Monthly Archives: June 2019

Father’s Day: When Adult Children Turn Away

Fathers: When Adult Children Turn Away
by Sheri McGregor, M.A.

Most men don’t talk much about estrangement. At least that’s the consensus among a lot of the fathers who do reach out to me (and among their wives, too).

“There’s nothing I can do about it,” says George, father of a 42-year-old daughter who hasn’t spoken to him in years. “I don’t want to talk about something that makes me feel like a failure.”

fathers when adult children turn away

George’s own father wasn’t around much, so being a family man was important to him. He did all the things he thought was right. Attended school functions, worked hard for the family, and spent time with his daughter. They had a good relationship. “Yet here we are,” he says. “I know this isn’t because of me. I don’t have guilt, but I also can’t fix it.”

George’s pain over the estrangement makes him angry, too. “Because of my daughter’s choice, I can’t make my wife happy anymore. It’s just us two now, and the loss of our daughter and the three grandchildren we don’t know is always between us.” George tries to be supportive, but it’s difficult to see his wife so sad. “She used to be so cheerful,” he says. “Always humming. Always making plans.”

George distracts himself with work and hobbies. He tries to cheer up his wife, too. Sometimes, the trying backfires. “She thinks I don’t care about it all,” he says. “And I do.”

This Father’s Day (2019), I hoped that providing George’s thoughts might provide a little insight. Maybe some fathers can relate. Maybe some father’s wives might better understand.

I hope to be sharing more about the experiences and feelings of fathers when adult children turn away. While it’s still mostly women who answer the surveys, lately, more fathers have been contacting me to share commentary, news, and feelings.

Meanwhile, here are a few more Father’s Day and other articles.

Fathers of estranged adult children, you’re not alone

Fortitude doesn’t mean “going it alone”

What about Father’s Day for fathers of estranged adult children

Cut off by adult children? You may feel lonely but you’re not alone

Why do they make contact now?

 

Elder Abuse Awareness

Elder Abuse:
World Elder Abuse Awareness Day (June 15)

elder abuse by adult childrenWhen Mary’s 52-year-old son was in an accident and needed help, she came to his rescue. She agreed to let him live in the second bedroom of her home in the small community she had recently moved to and was sure he’d want his independence and wouldn’t stay long. Mary was wrong.

“At seventy-four,” says Mary, “I’m doing his laundry and cooking his meals.” Mary has noticed some valuable items missing, too. And she’s convinced her son has taken them.

Is the above situation one that involves abuse? Some on the outside would be quick to tell her to oust him, but that’s not always so easy. Mary doesn’t have any other family left, and although she moved to this small community thinking she’d make friends, she didn’t have much time to get started before her son needed help. Although he hadn’t been in touch with her beyond the occasional text or holiday phone call for the last 20 years, his wife had recently divorced him. She felt for her son. He was alone after years of marriage, injured, and coudn’t work. “And he expressed regret,” says Mary. “He said it was a chance for us to get close again.” Instead, Mary stays in her bedroom most of the time now, because to be in the room with her son means enduring lectures about everything she did and does wrong.

Although he’s physically healed, he says he can’t find work. He says he’s depressed, but isn’t getting help. Mary’s son recently told her that if she turned on him too, he didn’t know what he might do. “He meant that he’d kill himself,” says a distraught Mary. “And I can’t be responsible for that.”

Elder abuse: An ugly truth

Although some people don’t want to think about the abuse of older persons, it’s an ugly truth. And as we age, for our own benefit, it’s important to consider.

The abuse of elders come in many forms. Some older persons are bilked out of their savings or denied their needs by a caregiver. Others are physically abused or mentally and emotionally tortured. The list goes on.

One of the most sobering facts is that in 60% of elder abuse/neglect cases, the abuse occurred at the hands of a family member (adult child/spouse). This fact, and many others about abuse, can be found at the National Council on Aging (NCOA).

Elder abuse is grossly underreported. NCOA reports that only one case is made known out of every 14 that occur. People might ask why that is. I’d like to share with you a short clip about a man, a father named Norman who was in his 70s at the time of filming.

The video was produced some time ago by Erna Maurer of Wise Owl Multimedia. She is a senior citizen who continues to put good out into the world.  The thoughts of the students before and after watching the video themselves are as eye-opening as Norman’s. (I’d love for you to share your thoughts about the video in reply to this article. . . you can click “leave a reply” at the top). Click on the screenshot below to view the video.

elder abuse by adult children

Old age: Prepare

One thing the video brings home to me is that it’s important to consider the older age years while you can. In my book, Done With The Crying, there are questions about end-of-life scenarios, and facing the tough questions in advance so that your wishes will be honored. Parents of estranged adult children can have lots of complexities to consider.

Norman is socially isolated. Having suffered elder abuse by his adult children (themselves middle-aged men) who exploit his generosity, to create social ties and seek help has become difficult for Norman. For those reading, consider making changes in your life now, so that you won’t end up isolated and at risk. That means facing reality. At the bottom of this article, I’ve included some additional articles that may be helpful.

Also, here’s a book to help. I like this one because it’s comprehensive and empowering.

Who Will Take Care of Me When I’m Old?: Plan Now to Safeguard Your Health and Happiness in Old Age by Joy Loverde prepares readers to take charge while they can, and empower themselves for decisions rather than leaving them to chance.

Elder abuse statistics

Often, in discussions among here about adult children who reject parents, the issue of financial abuse comes up. I’ve talked exhaustively elsewhere about the parents who have done so much (contributed down payments on houses, paid for schooling, helped time and time again … ), so I won’t go into that here. Many believe they have been abused financially by adult children, but wouldn’t think to report it as abuse. I wonder how much bigger the numbers in statistics about elder fraud would be if they did?

Recently, a research team broke elder fraud statistics down for a comprehensive examination. Near the end, some links to individual state research offers further breakdown with a variety of stats. It’s exhaustive, and interesting.

The United States of Elder Fraud

Elder abuse is real. I hope you will share that fact, and help raise awareness not only on this designated day, but all year long.

Related Reading:

Abusive Adult Children Influence Parents’ Self-Image

Adult Child’s Rejection: Emotional and Social Fallout

 

 

 

 

 

Grandparent Alienation

Grandparent alienation

“I’m over my estranged daughter,” says Cleo. “It’s my grandchildren I worry about now.”
grandparent alienation

Cleo is like thousands of parents around the world who are not allowed to see their grandchildren. A daughter or son’s estrangement, which can happen for a variety of reasons, usually means the grandchildren are also cut-off. It’s a breakdown in the family where innocent children are hurt.

Some grandparents have formed groups, organize rallies and awareness campaigns, and are fighting for changes to law that would support their efforts. And legislation is moving along the judicial pipelines with some success.

June 14: Grandparent Alienation Awareness Day

It’s a tough road when the grandchildren they have so bonded with are yanked away. “I always wonder what the kids are being told and what they’re thinking,” says Cleo. “Are they wondering if I don’t love them anymore?”

It’s not always estrangement that causes the separation. When one parent or both is incarcerated, sometimes one set of grandparents will swoop in and make it difficult for the other.

One mother whose son (in his 30s) went to prison, spent a small fortune in legal fees fighting against his in-laws for visitation of her young grandchild. Although she was an upstanding citizen with no criminal record and a history of emotional stability, the in-laws alleged that if she raised a son who committed a murder, then there must be something wrong with her. Her son’s was a crime of passion, and he had no previous offenses. Do you think what they alleged is automatically true?

Grandparent alienation: What do grandparents do?

Are you suffering grandparent alienation? Perhaps in connection with estrangement from adult children or for some other reason? Some grandparents consider their options, and decide it’s in the best interests of their grandchildren not to pursue a legal remedy. Others choose to fight with all their might as well as rally for more awareness. Each situation is unique. I hope you’ll share your thoughts by leaving a comment in reply to this posting.

For more information on grandparent alienation:

Alienated Grandparents Anonymous, Inc.
Offers telephone support calls, news of legal efforts, and groups in 50 states and 22 countries.

Grandparents Rights Advocates National Delegation (GRAND USA)
Legislative news and resources and support in 50 states.

Alienated Grandparents Anonymous Canada
Regular meetings, resources and support.

Bristol Grandparents Support Group (UK)
Championing grandparents rights.