Monthly Archives: July 2020

Restful respite: a moon garden

by Sheri McGregor

ways to get to sleepWhen the still of night hits, rejected parents often have difficulty soothing their minds and settling into slumber. Hot summer nights (and unrest in the world) can add to the trouble of getting any sleep. Don’t just lie there feeling miserable as the whys and what-ifs loop through your restless mind. Get up and take a dose of the moon! Create something fun and calming: a moon garden. 

In the early days of my estrangement from my son, I would often wander outdoors in the evening. By the light of the moon, the bright, sunny colors of my daytime garden faded, making room for more demure features to shine. The chalky leaves of Artemesia and Dusty Miller, a shallow, solar-lit bowl, and glowing spheres that mimicked the moon itself became a tonic. 

A dose of the moon 

There’s a poem I love: The Moon, by Jaime Sabines. It speaks of taking doses of the moon for a variety of ailments, including insomnia. In my moon garden, the blooms of Angel Trumpet softly scent the evening air. Tiny toadstool-shaped lights glimmer from the backdrop of shadowy bushes along a meandering walk. In the quiet of evening, the softest breeze rustles unseen leaves. The tinkle of a fountain soothes my ears.  

I hadn’t planned my moon garden where the pale flesh of an echeveria seems to glow in the moonlight. It was purely by accident that I chose a few plants with silvery, ashen leaves and white blooms that took center stage at night. That accidental moon garden was restorative for my estrangement-weary soul. As Sabines’ poem says, there is no better tonic. Taking my moon garden in doses calmed me and helped me find the peace to sleep. 

Your moon garden 

Next time you have trouble settling in, go outdoors. Find what’s already in your moon garden and then enhance those features. Even a patio or terrace can transform into a restful respite by night. Add a comfortable chair, a table for a cup of calming herbal tea, and a soothing sound like a tiny tinkling fountain or bamboo chimes.  

Recently, we have begun a long-distance move to a new location with the most enchanting yard. Tree frogs sing, owls hoot, and ponies occasionally whinny when startled by a passing deer.  Periodically, a string of dragonflies around a tree trunk blink on, their wings a rainbow flash in the night. As we settle into our new home, I’ll be adding elements to enhance my new moon garden. Sabines is right. There is nothing better than the moon as tonic.  

Related reading:

Moon garden design

About the history of moon gardens

For parents abandoned by adult children, sleep can be elusive

Abandoned parents, let your light shine

Troubling dreams, why do I have them?

Rejected parents: Your happiness can be independent of estrangement

Rejected parents: Your happiness can be independent of estrangement

By Sheri McGregor, M.A.

Rejected parents: You can be happy again

In the spirit of Independence Day, step away from the bondage of always thinking about the adult son who betrayed you or the adult daughter who walked away. Instead, think of this Fourth of July as a turning point. Then, support yourself in moving forward.

First off, if you don’t yet have my book, Done With The Crying, get it, read it, and do the exercises. People say it saved their sanity, helped them—finally—to move beyond the pain and sorrow, and to move forward in their own lives.

rejected parents

Rejected parents: Gain independence from the pain of estrangement

Here are six more tips for gaining your independence from the pain of estrangement, which may be the biggest shock of your life:

  • Get started. For some, just getting started in taking care of themselves can be difficult. This primer, Five Ways to Move On After an Adult Child’s Rejection , isn’t so much about moving on as it is about dealing with the thoughts and feelings that can keep you from moving at all.
  • Come to conclusions. Maybe you’re plagued by the Why? It’s a common stumbling block because, so often, parents aren’t told why. There’s simply a cutting-off, with no clear-cut answer. Here’s an article, written as I entered the fourth year of estrangement, that might help you come to a few conclusions. Settling on an answer, even if it’s incomplete, can help you gain independence from the question that can run on an endless loop.
  • Handle uncertainty. Another thing that keeps rejected parents from moving forward for themselves is that, as life moves on and events happen, they worry a son or daughter will have regrets or wait too long. But uncertainties are part of living, and adult children need to learn their own lessons. Learn to deal with uncertainty.
  • Get it out in the open— Our society has been conditioned to believe that adult children would not reject good parents. That’s one reason so many decent and loving, yet rejected parents feel shame and guilt that doesn’t reconcile with who they are or all they’ve stood for. It’s also why they might not talk about estrangement. Should you tell people? Taking small steps in that direction can break you free.
  • Get clear on hope. In estrangement circles, rejected parents often talk about hope, but that can be a two-edged sword. Are you hoping for something you can’t control? Are you bothered by lack of hope that you will ever reconcile? In Estrangement: What About Hope? you can start to clarify how hope can hurt or help.
  • Learn to cope. In the wake of estrangement, rejected parents are tasked with the question of how to cope. After estrangement, learn to cope. It starts with a decision.

Rejected parents: Gain independence

The articles linked within the blurbs above offer just a few of the ways rejected parents can gain independence from pain and suffering—and move toward a better future even after estrangement. If you’re a rejected parent, don’t get stuck telling yourself you can’t move forward until the estrangement ends. Instead, work at making your life great now. That way, you’ll be better off if or when reconciliation takes place later. Your happiness and fulfillment really can be independent of the estrangement. Get started by reading the articles linked above. Read or reread Done With The Crying and be sure to do the exercises. They really help.

For more articles, you can always click on the Latest Posts, or use the drop-down menus under “Answers to Common Questions” or “What Parents Can Do.” There’s also a search box that can help you locate information on specific topics.