Abuse by adult children: Why do parents tolerate it?
Ask Sheri McGregor —
Abuse by adult children: Why do parents tolerate it?
Dear Sheri,
For years, my now 37-year-old adult child spoke to me with contempt, blamed me for things I hadn’t done, made unreasonable demands, and sometimes used threats or silence to get their way. I knew the behavior was wrong, but I kept trying to calm things down, make excuses for it, and preserve the relationship.
I blamed myself for much of what was happening. I thought that if I were more patient, said the right thing, or handled things differently, the abuse might stop. Now that I’m finally saying, “No more,” I feel ashamed that I tolerated it for so long.
Why did I accept increasingly abusive behavior from my own child, and why do I still feel responsible for what happened?
Signed, A mother trying to understand
Sheri McGregor’s answer:
This recent email is similar to others I’ve received over the years. So, rather than answer only one mother, let me expand my response to parents who have experienced abuse by adult children.
When parents finally step away from an abusive pattern with an adult child—or begin saying “no more”—they often wonder why they tolerated so much. Some blame themselves. Others recognize they were made to feel responsible.
Let’s start with the figurative heart. When abuse comes from someone you love and are attached to, you’re motivated to preserve the bond. That’s commonly seen in intimate partner violence (IPV), where there may be a long shared history, vows, financial entanglements, and memories of a time when that person seemed honorable and loving. There is also the hope that things will change. With a child, there is even deeper bonding and attachment. You developed an identity in being their mother or father, hoped for the best for them, and share a history of love as well as the expectation of a shared future.
It’s a whole lifetime! And as a parent, you invested in them, guided them, and felt responsible for how they turned out. Those feelings don’t just drift away. And if you’re in a state of relational stress—which many parents of eventually estranged children are—then you’re not always thinking from a calm place. You can get caught up in fight, flight, freeze, or appease responses, trying to restore a sense of normalcy, or even “safety,” because an intact family, with everyone happy and connected, is what feels safe.
Why parents may tolerate abuse by adult children
Parents have often been adapting to the situation. They soothe, help, and overlook behavior in order to keep the peace. They’re waiting for the adult child they have always loved to come to their senses and change back. And while they’re trying to smooth things over, the adult child may be testing and pushing in what I sometimes call “tolerance creep.”
Abuse usually starts in small, insidious ways—a cutting remark, an unreasonable demand, a minor boundary violation. When these are tolerated, the adult child pushes a little further the next time. The mistreatment can escalate over time, too, as the abuser pushes the line of tolerance further and further, and the parent continues to try and smooth things over.
Shame complicates this further. Parents often do feel ashamed of how much mistreatment they have tolerated, concealed, or excused to protect their child or preserve the bond. Admitting what is happening can then feel like exposing both the child’s bad behavior and their own painful accommodations, so shame becomes another reason to stay quiet.
But feeling ashamed of what you tolerated or did to preserve the relationship does not make you responsible for the abuse. The abusive adult child is responsible for their own behavior. Blame-shifting is common in abusive relationships, and a parent’s shame about having endured the mistreatment can help keep the pattern going.
Another factor is that abuse is often intermittent. If the adult child was sometimes kind, or there were periods of normal interaction and even fun, those good moments can deepen attachment and renew a parent’s hope. In abusive relationships, intermittent mistreatment mixed with times of affection, charm, or relief—sometimes including love bombing—can create a cycle of intermittent reinforcement that keeps the abused person “hooked.” With abusive adult children, the situation isn’t exactly the same, but periods of calm or seemingly normal connection work on the heart and can make parents think, Maybe things are changing. Maybe they’re seeing the light.
That renewed hope helps explain why even a small return to contact can feel so powerful—and why parents may quickly believe the estrangement is over. I frequently hear from people who reply to one of my newsletters and thank me for helping them over the years, but say their son or daughter has been in touch and they’re going to see them again soon; it’s a miracle and they’re no longer estranged. I almost always think, Uh-oh …
Because a phone call and a couple of visits, even with apologies, aren’t necessarily a reconciliation. Too many times, the reconnection goes awry, the old behavior returns, or the renewed contact arose from a need or a hidden agenda. Maybe that sounds pessimistic, but after witnessing this pattern thousands of times, I have come to recognize how common it is.
Even after parents understand that they did not cause the abuse by their adult children, self-blame can serve a psychological purpose. Asking what they did wrong may feel better than facing this awful truth: their own child is making the decision to hurt them. And if parents believe they caused the problem, they can also hold onto the hope that they can fix it. Right?
In intimate partner violence (IPV), you’ll see an abused partner go back to the abuser and say their own behavior caused the anger. The abused person may blame himself or herself … just as parents sometimes do. The difference is that most people outside the situation can easily see through that in IPV, but with estrangement by adult children, people frequently want to go along with the idea that the parent must have done something wrong. Other parents don’t want to think their own children could just dump them.
Then there is the ambiguity of estrangement. The person is alive, so there’s no clear finality. If there’s no finality, then maybe there’s hope.
It may help to turn the question of how long we’ll put up with abuse and why we continue to allow it into one that has a clear answer:
What keeps parents attached, hopeful, scared to say “no more,” or continuing to try?
When we consider the strength of the attachment, how invested parents are in the outcome, and the ways people typically respond to abuse by someone they love, the answers become easier to understand.
Then, if you realize you can no longer tolerate the abuse because it will continue to cause harm—and especially if you have support—you can ask important questions for your well-being:
- Now that you understand, how can you protect yourself?
• How can you take better care of yourself?
• What might you need to limit, shift, or even drop?
You are not responsible for another adult’s abuse or bad behavior. But once you recognize the abusive pattern and how you may be drawn back into it, you can take responsibility for protecting yourself from further harm.
If you feel bad about how long it has taken, or is taking, to say no more, let yourself off the hook with self-compassion. We’re in shock when our own adult children, whom we have loved so deeply, hurt us this way. We gain clarity as we go.
Be kind to yourself. You’re a mom or dad. All the years and history and love don’t just evaporate because you want to say no more. That’s why, even for parents who conclude that enough is enough, it can still take work not to wonder, not to reach out, and not to second-guess yourself.
Hugs to every parent who is finding the clarity and strength to protect themselves.
Sheri McGregor
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45 thoughts on “Abuse by adult children: Why do parents tolerate it?”
I, too, put up with an abusive daughter and son in law for my grandkids. Like others here, it didn’t work once I refused to take the abuse. Haven’t seen my dear grandbabies for three years now. I don’t even see them on Facebook. I do believe it is better for them not to see me letting their parents treat me badly though. I’m so sorry for everyone here. This shouldn’t be our lives, but here we are.
Yes…years of abuse with contact at times. He likes to hook us in and then the cycle of control, aggression and abuse starts again.
Vicious abusive words thrown our way and we try to stay silent. We would love to distribute his texts to family and friends plus his friends at church. He doesn’t let people know the things he says to us.
We are so over him….and with strength we will survive the gaslighting .
So many of us here suffering similar stories.
We dont feel so alone here and Sheris articles are spot on and help enormously.
I hung in to keep contact with my grandchildren. I was belittled and diminished and just kept taking it until i finally broke when my daughter told me to get a tent for an expected freeze and loss of power in my house instead of having me come to her house where they had gas for heating. When I told her that she told her mother to get a tent instead of having me in her home she said ” I think we’re done here”. I said, “Yes”. After years of supporting her emotionally and her family with help with cars, education, money gifts, vacatons helping with buying their house on and on. I gave up for good. I can’t see the grandkids now at all.
I have recently tolerated my oldest child’s abusive behavior toward me for the last time. I have thought about this long and hard. My crime? Asking for them to call me, literally, which apparently triggers their abuse. They tell me they are so busy they cannot call me once every two months or so, and then when I asked, no rush, when you can, that makes them even angrier. I have come to see that my prior tolerance was not only my attempt to ‘preserve the relationship’ but why would I want to preserve an abusive relationship? Ha! It was also a result of letting go, and not seeing how they twisted everything I said and did to make sure it appeared to be sharp spears thrown at them causing them upset and pain. Whoa. Wait a minute. Literally asking for a call did all that? I think they did all that. I read the whole article with such interest because they also use ‘breaking my boundaries’ as a catch phrase to characterize simply asking for a call, as going across a boundary they have set. Yet no CLEAR boundary was ever spoken, no CLEAR cause for their upset ever told to me. What was told to me, was MY intentions, MY purpose for doing what I did, MY insincerity when I apologized for asking, MY MY MY motives, how I felt, and so on. That’s when I really felt the gaslighting for the first time and realized that this is what has been happening all along. I ask for clarity and get ‘well, I’ve already told you, you should know.’ If I knew, why would I ask? The irony is that whenever I seek to support them in some way, it’s as if they resent it. Pushing me further away with their anger, which I know has nothing to do with me. They feel pressured because they are so busy, they resent that I am doing well financially when they are stuggling, and they resent ‘the world’ my generation ‘left them’ and of course it’s all my fault. I dunno about that. I have been an activist all my life. But none none none of who I actually am matters to their mind and their vituperative responses. I think about how many children would LOVE a father who actually wanted to be in their lives and be loving and supportive and of course ask what the fk did I do wrong? Ah, made mistakes of course. But wrong? No, because no matter what I do or did, they would respond the same way. It’s ironic, but I also think that their over the top reactions are part of insecurity, of feeling like the world is against them, like they are always being attacked, and even when they are not at all. My love for them will never cease, but my willingness to continue an abusive relationship has finally stopped. Good for me. One mistake I made was thinking that in actually agreeing with a lot of the words coming from them, in alignment with a lot of our shared feelings about things, that this was creating a stronger bond. What happened was, if in their mind I disagreed with ANYTHING they said, it was attack time. Adults do disagree without trying to shred each other you know. I know. They do not. The further irony is that they are very intelligent, but just like Gautauma said to Siddhartha, “You are very clever Siddhartha. Beware of too much cleverness.” I don’t know what the ‘solution is’ but I do know tolerance of abuse is not it. When talking with friends about this, they are ‘on their I’m the parent’ perch, in response, but I am not there. I have never been on that pedestal. I am on the mind that if a person desires to be loving, then allow them to be loving, and then if not, well, you are seeing who they are without your influence. I don’t want to control or manage anyone else’s way of being. I only want to manage what I allow into my space. If you are wondering if there is a huge background story I am not telling, leading up to this point, I would simply say nope. I have always loved up on both my kids. Doing my ‘not perfect’ best to support them, period. Nothing’s changed I have just seen what they are doing more clearly than ever. So be it.
Nailed it Sheri! Excellent article. All your books are the same.
Yes! Thank goodness for Sheri’s books and blogs!
Great article. Totally changed my perspective as I have always held too much responsibility for losing contact with ED. I now realize it was not all my fault. A great deal of it was her and her decision, not to mention the influence of her stepsisters and my husband, her stepfather. The entire dynamic set up a perfect storm and I was always on the outside looking in with the oldest stepdaughter the ring leader of designating me the convenient scapegoat which I accepted for way too long. I am 74, no longer give it anymore attention than I have to when my husband visits his daughters. It is so hard, but I finally had to let go for my own sanity and survival.
I think I put up verbal abuse for so many years because my son was such a difficult person that I didn’t want to constantly be fighting him. I was wrong and it was a huge mistake. During the last 6 years of our relationship, I did it specifically so I would not be cut off from my grandchildren. Well, guess what? I haven’t seen them for 7 years when I finally drew a line and refused to kowtow to his demands which were given in a very disrespectful way. The kids are now 13 and 11 so I hope to reconnect after they turn 18.
My Estranged was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. My adult child blamed me for all their problems and got her father and sibling to agree that I was the bad guy. First estrangement lasted for 2 years. People with BPD split up the family and force family to take sides.
Estranged did come home for a holiday visit and was very rude to father. I protested and my spouse and children told me to keep quiet.
We had a death in the family and Estranged returned home. The grief was overwhelming so dealing with the estrangement didn’t really happen.
Then second estrangement, my adult Estranged child went to hospital for anorexia but Father and siblings not allowed to tell me. Finally my husband sobbed and couldn’t keep the secret. We went to parental hospital program. And family was whole again.
Our adult children apologized to us for keeping distant and not believing their sibling had severe mental illness. They never told the sibling “No.” What? You’re 35 years old and you never told your sibling no? My spouse apologized to me for siding with estranged instead of supporting me.
3rd and final estrangement. Both siblings asked us to visit and babysit at same time. We expected to visit our soon to be Estranged because of move and new baby. We all asked for date of visit? No response so we made plans with our children to babysit the grandkids. Estranged texted while we were on highway out of state and demanded we fly into North Dakota the next day! We said we already committed to our other children. We will be home in 4 days and you can fly in then and we will care for you and grandchild.
Estranged immediately cut off everyone in immediate family. Also sent vicious calls texts and emails. I believe we were set up to fail.
Many parents ask why and I think in many cases there is undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. It is genetic. My parent treated my Estranged awful and favored the other children. But Estranged got together with my parent as they both had BPD and kept secrets and lied about parents and siblings. Then I had aunt uncle siding with my parent and accusing me of being cruel and hateful. No one said that is terrible you cannot see your own child and grandchild and your parent kept it secret that they moved nearby.
I put up with in order to maintain contact with my grandchildren. It didn’t help. It’s 10 years since I’ve seen them.
Great article! In my case one reason I accepted the abuse was to remain in contact with my autistic grandson. It’s been 3 years since I have seen him. Today is a bad sad day. I am the one who went no contact. After her abuse took a very public turn of lying and dismantling her childhood through a filter of deception. I realize I most likely will never have him in my life again. Hope is too painful!
I agree, hope strings you along to more abuse. Let go let God. He gave them to us ,so give them back. He knows what to do
This article is the most important one yet for me. My youngest daughter is the one estranged. For several years before she estranged, she would become enraged over little nothings, such as me asking her to pick up her room when she had time or to put her cup in the dishwasher. I’ll never forget the Mother’s Day when I was informed it was just another day and why should I expect anything from my grown kids, then stood at the top of the stairs screaming “F you!” over and over. She threatened to stab my cat and then me. I walked on eggshells. Couldn’t put her out because she was on the lease. She called me every name imaginable. There was horrible scene after horrible scene. She picked on her older sister horribly, too. It got so bad that I actually began to feel like not being here would be easier. That was incredibly difficult because I have always been a happy-go-lucky person.
Well, now we’re 3 years into the estrangement. The last time we talked was one year ago in August. We were doing okay until I mentioned her previously abusive behavior. She flipped out, saying if she was my abuser, why did I want to talk to her? She said I must have Stockholm syndrome and mocked me. She denied being abusive. When I refused to change my tune, saying she needed to take accountability, she accused me of saying bad things about her husband’s family, said I needed to fix myself, and told me if I decided to reach out in the future, I need to lead with an apology. Unreal. But no matter what she does or says, the abuse I suffered by her was very real and I still get upset thinking about it. I don’t hold a grudge. I was just looking for acknowledgement. At some point, I will probably give up. I miss the sweet girl with the funny sense of humor. In my dreams, she is her old self and laughing with me and her sisters. Then I wake up and realize nothing has changed and the world still thinks our estrangement is my fault, because no one recognizes adult children can be the abuser. Thank you, Sheri.
My two sisters and I have Diametrically opposed ideas on closure. 16 years ago my daughter left. Just gone. My sisters, my mother knew and helped in her leaving. They believed each and every story… until she accused them (my daughter is mentally ill). I left the porch light on, and kept the front door unlocked for 12 years. The i moved. I heard from her once, “Mom, I’m homeless”. We emailed once or twice.
Then came a demand, “You have got to change”. I wrote back… My love… you have no idea how much I’ve changed in 16 years ( at the time).
My sisters and i are in our sixties, we plan in months not in years. They insist on trying to “patch things up” so we could have that elusive butterfly… closure. I don’t want to see my daughter and ask. Why? .. imagine you’re last thoughts in life focused on the ‘why’ of the most painful part of your life. Novels, movies, and television have a lot to answer for in these type of endings…
Love your articles.
Mal.
Thank you so much Sheri! This comes at a time when I needed to know that it is not me- I am in a number of abusive relationships and have tolerated these too long. One I can get out of and two I cannot fix.
Thank you for this article. I as a single parent, experience abuse from my only child (and family) from their mid-teens. It depleted my self belief and made me feel worthless. I hoped that as time passed there would be a change a recognition I did my best. They advised me that decent people wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me as “they all knew what I was” I ended all contact thereafter with my adult child. It was several years ago. I’m doing OK. I should have dealt with it sooner but better late than never.
Thank you. Intermittent contact certainly hits the nail on the head for me. It’s a hard one, and, you are right, it rekindles the hope that things are finally changing. They don’t change, and I am accepting that at long last. NPD is a chronic disease. That realization is helpful.
Thank you for reinforcing my need 3 years ago to say “ enough”. It’s a tough journey but one that must be taken. I stayed 8 years enduring the walking on eggs syndrome. But one does feel embarrassed by the thought of why one stayed so long. That’s also a tough journey simmering away on the back burner that I doubt at this point will go ever away.
This is very helpful. I became a grandma. I received a photo and nothing else.
I do not want my grandchild to witness treatment of her grandmother. No contact in 8 years and I’m feeling stronger with this realization.
Thank you for this. I needed to hear this today
I am so thankful for this post, Sheri, as I have been re-grieving the estrangement lately and worrying about why I let her off the hook for so much snarky rudeness at first, then hostility, then angry outbursts, then when she would be kind or loving I would somehow forget all the bad parts… what was happening?? why did I just sweep all that under the rug?
So this really rings true for me. Very very helpful. Thank you.
Hi Sheri, thank you for this, BUT, I don’t think I am ever going to arrive at the place where I can say enough is enough. My best hope is to keep busy with projects because it helps numb the pain.
Thank you for this. I’d been self blaming and ashamed of my adult daughter’s mistreatment and eventual estrangement. Eight years later I can admit she was cruel and I was too interested in maintaining a happy/civilized relationship to speak up, and today, I no longer reach out. Peace of mind followed but I miss being an active mom.
Oh Sheri…
I would SO love to forward this article to my daughter, but as youve prev suggested to another of the group, don’t….so ofcourse I won’t…
Thank you for clarity and an ah-ha moment. Its not easy to live this way, the guilt and anger even…
But your words of wisdom are loved and appreciated.
I have 2 estranged adult daughters
Who have been abusive more so the elder on who lives in Austrslia.
Over so many years she builds me up and let’s me down it was like a game of mental abuse. Not sure how I did not have a nervous breakdown as I loved my daughter’s beyond. Then late September my younger daughter aged 49 came to see me to tell me that her dad my.late husband sexually abused her when she was a young child not often The shock and shame I felt was unbearable but she would not and will not discuss with me apart from saying it was not.my fault. I am in therapy at the moment. Then my eldest daughter text me to say she was in deep therapy over the abuse but is looking at me in this
I am 100% not guilty not knowing anything. Why did I not see it.why did they not tell me. Today my 2nd husband and I are taking our dog to be put to sleep. I feel.that I have lost my family. Thank you for reading this Suzannexx
It helps to know thrre sre other families that go through the pain of estrangmentx
Dear Suzanne,
First, I am so very sorry to hear about your sweet dog. I had to say goodbye to a much loved pet, Cassie, who I’ve written about here on the site before. So, I get how heartbreaking this is, and it’s so fresh for me, too. Second, in BEYOND DONE, I talk about how the mother is often blamed, as if she should have just known, even when she didn’t. I’m sorry your daughter suffered abuse, of course!
HUGES hugs to you, Suzanne.
Sheri McGregor
Yes me too after 5 years of this yo yo of behaviour, treading g on egg shells, I finally said enough is enough. 3 years ago I was in hospital where I was asked who was my next of kin. It was my son who I hadnt spoken to for 3 years! So I contacted him to say he was removed as my next of kin. I was going no contact to preserve my health and mental health. It was a huge relief not to have to deal with him anymore.
I didn’t even properly realise that this happened with my husband and myself and our daughter. The screaming at us, treading on egg shells, excusing her behaviour cycle. Trying to help and drop everything for her and loving the good times in between.
We eventually stood up and challenged her after a particularly awful attack in front of my mother and our grandchildren. This resulted in 18 months of pain and accusations and huge distortions of truth until she told us not to contact her again.
It’s heart breaking but this article helped us to see what had been happening.
My son’s birthday is in about 10 days. Out of the past 6 months we’ve only had contact for about a month and that wasn’t even consistent. I don’t know whether or not to even send a birthday card. I’m so tired of reaching out and having it ignored. I think he gets a power rush off it all
The only thing I’ve actually never done is completely stop and I’ve never ignored a holiday. But I’m thinking maybe I should try something I’ve never done before and he can see what it’s like not to hear from his mother for a change. No telling how many Christmases and birthdays he has completely ignored but I’ve never done that. I’ve always sent something or reached out.
Have asked recently a close family member and a close friend about this and they both think I should just go ahead and send a card. But to me that’s just showing him that I’m still here waiting for him when he’s ready and I’m so tired of being that person after about 12 years.
He will be 32 and all this started when he was about 20. That’s when he started doing it.
Thank you for writing this article. I tried for years to rationalize why my daughters could be so cruel and abusive. I had raised them on my own as a single mother and they were my little family that I was so proud of. I know I made mistakes and I struggled financially, sometimes working two jobs to pay the rent and put food on the table. I realize now that I was willing to maintain the relationship with my two adult daughters at any cost, even though the verbal abuse left me in tears at times.
It’s been nearly three years now since I have had any contact with my daughters. They went no contact with me after I contracted encephalitis and was home recovering. That’s a painful story for another day.
In early 2025, I decided to relocate to the UK as I have dual citizenship. I have lovely extended family here and good friends. I swim in the sea almost daily, which is something I always loved. I am in my mid-60’s now and intend to live the remainder of my life with people who love me and treat me with respect. It’s certainly not what I had planned for this period of my life, but I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to make a huge life change for the better.
Society, generally, and a significant number of therapists assume that maintaining the relationship with one’s child is the primary purpose that parents MUST pursue–even at the cost of the parent’s self-respect and health. So, parents will keep soldiering on, because many of them adopt society’s (and some therapists’) view of what is necessarily paramount in a parent’s life.
The self-sacrifice that had a purpose when a parent was raising children to adulthood DOES have a shelf life. Many parents do not realize that. Many parents WANT to continue parenting their adult children beyond the point that it makes any sense to do so.
Success is building a gratifying life for yourself that has little or nothing to do with the fact that you birthed a child once upon a time. A pleasant life is far more attractive to anyone (perhaps even including your estranged child) than decades of obsessive, debilitating wanting what you can no longer expect to get.
Thank you for this article, it is so true. We have been estranged for 19 months on this 3rd cycle. There will be no more cycles for us. I often wondered how we would get through a day,let alone a year, but here we are happy and thriving. To some parents who read this, it, may seem like we stopped loving our ES, we love him from afar now. Through this painful ordeal, I learned who I was, what I liked and all about boundaries. I used to hate that word since it was used by our ES’s wife to cut us off if we didn’t act exactly the way she wanted us to. However, I learned that boundaries aren’t for locking others out of our lives, boundaries create deeper relationships when we are clear about what we, ourselves, are and aren’t willing to do or accept. I am so grateful for Sheri’s books and this forum. I have finally let go of the guilt and shame and living life with a new outlook. It feels good to not have to question if I said and did all the right things after each interaction. Now I can just be me and that’s a great thing.
Sometimes, a parent’s care quietly slips into the past, and what once held two people together slowly unravels until the bond is lost for good.
I am a Mom on my own. I was married for 30 years. The hell I have been through since marriage breakup is nothing compared to the last nine years. Three grown children blame me. He has anger issues a lot of the time I was protecting them. I was a great Mom. The three of them were my whole life. So how do I go on. I feel so much alone. Colleen
My daughter began her abuse of me shortly after I initiated divorce from her dad. She was then a young adult, early 20s. She learned her abusive behavior from him–blaming me for things, mocking me, yelling at me. There were lots of nicer times as well but his abuse devastated me for years. It took years for me to realize that her behavior was emotional abuse just as his was. It’s been 11 years now since estrangement began with a 1 year period of “reconciliation” that was very stressful. She has the same emotional patterns that her dad does and despite the sadness I still feel I don’t have to ever walk on egg shells with anyone ever again.
Estrangement is extra cruel when you divorce an abusive husband & father and the kids go on to follow in the abuser’s footsteps. That’s such deep pain and it feels surreal when you have to “divorce” your children too. No one prepares you for that. I don’t think I’ll ever really come back from this although I do plod on, reminding myself that I was a good mom but circumstances can be beyond us.
I cut contact completely with my daughter because of the intermittent abuse a few months after my husband died. She started it long before then. HE always told me to just ignore her. She is an alcoholic and I got to be her target. Iam living my best life without her in it. Much more peaceful.
Thank you for this article. I’ve always been about “the next thing” to see if it would make a difference. She is adopted and I believe that is part of the issue. She is 50 and I’m the mean one. As long as my husband was alive, he kept it in control. Haven’t seen her in five years and my grandchild in 14 months. Mostly, 99% of the time, I manage – health issues bring me down. I am fortunate to have a great church family and longtime friends.
We spoiled her; she got a great education and I am moving on. At the age of 80, I am in the winter of my life. I am making plans for her to know nothing about me. I worry about the grandchild at age 14 but have no control over what she and her husband tell him.
My problem is the literal abuse I get from a total stranger who thinks that I’m the one to blame for the ‘no more’ decision to stop the abuse from my oldest daughter, now 46 years old. She’s been doing it since she was a teen-ager, and just as Shari has said here, you don’t want to admit that the child is a narcissist who gets their supply from you. Just as she explained in an IPV case, it takes someone on the outside, seeing in, to see it.
And yes, that’s exactly what this stranger did… and I fear it’s because she herself fears that her child(ren) will turn on her. In today’s social peer pressure to reject your parents, to break the 4th Commandment of God Most High (Exodus 20:12)… “Honor [Respect] your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land which Adonai your God is giving you.”, we are seeing this more and more. Fulfillment of the end of days of the Church Age prophecy, where Jesus Himself says that He would come to divide families. For a reason, for a season such as this. He’s preparing us for our departure from this plane of existence. That’s what keeps me going.
I just posed this question to my DH – why did we put up with it for so long. My dd has been no contact for 3 years; it took me 2 years to stop chasing , thinking even though she cut the connection, I somehow owed it to her to keep trying. Once I stopped the chasing, I realized I started healing. And all the while, over the course of the last 5 years, dh and I failed to recognize the pattern with our ds and dil. We kept chasing as they gave us the crumbs of seeing our grandchildren . It kept us coming back for more. Now they too have started in with the silent treatment. And enough is enough. We are both so exhausted. What finally made me say Enough! was after I experienced an extreme emotional flooding episode after my dil verbally attacked me. I quite literally shut down – blacked out, ringing in the ears, dissociated from my body as it went numb and I froze. I can’t live like this, always walking on eggshells and landmines.
I allowed them, to a certain extent, to treat me so poorly . I tolerated the abuse and sent them the message that it was acceptable. My reward was the rare occasion of being able to see my grandchildren . But I can’t do it anymore. My body is fracturing .
Who can blame anyone for wanting to keep grandchildren in their life. That’s a tough one to let go of. Your body finally said no more. Smart body.
Great question and great answer. My ES disliked and estranged from his father when he was 16. Thus, the fear of estrangement also happening to me, meant I endured the abuse for over 25 years, walking on eggshells, trying to please. What we condone, we promote. In hindsight, yes, ES got everything he wanted from me and more, no responsibilities, cars, money, education, travel, all because of my fear of estrangement. I tried to make up for his broken relationship with his father. In the end, he still walked away from, not only me, but every member of his family, grandparents, cousins, all. His reason, his family did not meet his standards. Initially, it felt like a relief to be free of his abuse. Then, for a couple of years, I blamed myself, beat myself up, listened to those who say it’s our fault because we gave too much and tried too hard. Finally, I came to realize, no, I did my best and have no regrets!
Hello,
I read and reread this article and see the on and off of my situation. I have three children and is ealrier life we had a ” close” faily with hundreds of photos to show it. Two older chjildren are like thier father that I divorced 45 year ago. the third child is like me in inerests and easier going personality. Losing my soulmae husband of forty years in 2021 was the unbelievable date of this third female child stepping awy and actually abandment of me for the five plus years hereafter. NO voice contact, no emails, no text. Complete shutoff just after the memorial service was over at the shurch. I owuld nevr have believed this of his child as we had a bond of love, care and understanding. The older child, female was introverted and becamecontrolling although I never said anything bout it. She became ” close ” to my third cxhild and it was evident tht she was talking to her about me. This has been a heartbreaking more than five years with no support from the third chilkdl ( she does send birthday cards and GC with Lots Of Love written) but no contact. My son cannot deakl with conflict as his father and will not speak or ofrfer support in any way. I j ust had a major surgery and the older daughter came ( surprise) and on the third day went into a rane and was so angry I thought she was going to hit me. It was a hard conversation when she said I am baggage to her, my daughter and my son and they all feel that way. I should not hae by spoke back to her and stated I was being treated badly. She said is is my faulot and blame, blame, blame foro things she stated that never are or wer true. I am almost 85, a widow, living alone doing the nest I can with no help as all children live far away and no offfer of help.I now have to find a wy to go forward as I know there will not be any way I can live with any of these children. I will ahe to move, make major arrangements by myself and be positive in findingg a way to g on alone. Does anyone have any suggestions as to a company, group or any way I can find helpo in making these formward decisions? I have a lawyer but she is not interested in family things. Please tell me howe to find a person or company that can give answers. I am goingi foward, I have decided I have to or just fold up and fall. Please send any informaikton. Thank you.
wow! this article comes at an unbelievable good time for my husband and I…… it reads sort of biographical of what has happened and where we are. Hits the nail on the head; ESPECIALLY the description of the of intermittent contact/reconciliation attempts. thank you thank you
This is a very thought provoking artical Sherie. I am amazed at how much things have changed in my life time. When I was a teenager in the late 1950,s and early 1960,s parents would never tolerate abuse. Parents would not get down off their perch. you always deferred to them and often had to admit you were wrong even if you were not wrong, simply because they were the parent. I am not advocating that this way is right by any means We have changed from a world of parents rule and honour your mother and father to where Adult children hold the trump card. Does anyone out there have any ideas as to how this has happened. Elaine