Accepting estrangement and moving forward: Help for parents of estranged adults
[ssba-buttons] by Sheri McGregor, M.A.
The red maple in my front yard is prematurely dropping leaves. I toe the crinkly, faded green leaves beneath it and head for the hose. The last few weeks of summer were so hot. The leaf drop must be related to the heat, and I don’t want to miss the tree’s gorgeous crimson show, its last hurrah before winter sets in, when its dull gray branches reach like dry bones into a steel wool sky. I turn on the hose and position the water flow near its trunk for a good long soak. I should have watered on those predicted monsoon days that did little more than spit.
As I stand there, watching the dry ground suck in the water, I reflect on the many times I felt like my bone-dry tree, caught between the seasons of flourishing and letting go. Transitions are rarely easy. My tree illustrates that this year, by not giving up but adjusting, dropping some leaves early to conserve energy, yet holding on. The calendar may say summer’s over, but the weather isn’t quite there yet.
My maple is a lot like parents who find themselves in a similar in-between place. Barred from active roles in their adult children’s or their grandchildren’s lives, they see the years pass. Yet they hold out hope for a normal pattern to resume and a vibrant celebration ahead.
Accepting estrangement: The rhythms of life
It helps to accept that change is part of life. Even without estrangement, families change. Grandchildren grow into teenagers and then adults. Even if we’re allowed in their lives, they rarely run to us with broad smiles, reaching for hugs and calling out like they did when they were young. Marriages, in-laws, move-aways, and deaths all complicate and change the scene. We may grow tired of cooking and cleaning for special occasions, switching to restaurants, or skipping holidays entirely. We adapt as we go.
Letting go isn’t about giving up. Like the seasons, letting go is about allowing what is natural to unfold, even when it hurts. While losing loving connections with family members isn’t natural, our shifts in perspective over time most definitely are. What once seemed unbearable can eventually be seen more clearly. Boundaries that protect us grow stronger. Needs become clearer. And like trees, we can endure the hard transitions by adapting. We can root ourselves in sustaining practices as well as honest truths that support our dignity and cherish life’s simple joys. We can take in what nourishes our well-being. Those who learn to flex expectations during difficult transitions are more resilient and report higher well-being than those who hold on to the pain when life doesn’t turn out as they believe it “should.”¹
A few years ago, my husband and I noticed that the cherries on the trees had finally ripened. We planned to pick baskets full the next morning—but the squirrels beat us to it. Every branch was stripped bare, nothing left but pits. At first, I was furious, then just resigned. Sometimes we don’t get to enjoy the fruits we expected. Circumstances can change, and we have no choice but to accept this and get on with living. There is fruit in how we learn to manage and respond to the loss. I wrote about this experience and how it relates to estrangement in Beyond Done.
As has been wisely said, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1) Clearly seeing the degradation of the relationship, accepting estrangement, is part of this reality.
Transitions can feel like standing in the doorway—not quite inside, not yet outside. Yet they provide an opportunity to see where we’ve been and where we’re going. These thresholds between our past and future can be uncomfortable, but if we see them as moments of possibility, we can set intentions for this season and the next. We can choose what to let go and what to carry into the future. We can drop what’s taxing and make room for celebration of a new season of color … for ourselves.
Reflection questions
- What season of letting go are you in right now?
- How has your perspective shifted since the early days of estrangement?
- What keeps you steady as you navigate the uncertainties of life?
(For more about thresholds and transitions, you might like the practice I shared on my other site.)
Each year, my expectations for the seasons differ from how they play out. The summer heat lasts longer than I thought, the winter is colder or warmer than the last, spring or fall deviate from norms. It’s the same in life. None of us can control every season, but we can choose how we respond and adapt. By loosening our grip on what’s gone, nourishing ourselves with what brings us joy or meaning (whether it’s something we’ve always loved or something new we discovered), and looking ahead with a curiosity and excitement for good still to unfold, we continue to shift and grow.
A bird stirs in the branches above, and I glance up to see the maple looking fuller already, as if it’s gratefully receiving the long soak. The ground at my feet still looks dry, so I leave the hose running. That’s how I want to live: steady, soaking in what nourishes, and trusting that what I choose to tend—my spirit, my health, my joys—can flourish, even in seasons of change.
Related
When adult children ignore you: Changes in yourself
Reference
- Bonanno, G. A., Westphal, M., & Mancini, A. D. (2011). Resilience to loss and potential trauma. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 7(1), 511–535. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-032210-104526
Don't go through this all alone.
Get my books
33 thoughts on “Accepting estrangement and moving forward: Help for parents of estranged adults”
Thank you Sherri. It’s coming up to 8 years from when the estrangement started for us now. I had a TikTok account and would take a peak once in a while at my granddaughter to see how she was doing. I have not seen her in person in over 5 years. This week my ED did a hateful hoovering moved blaming me for everything and adding the lyrics from a Luke Brian song to make me look bad and then stating her late sister and my late mother are the only ones who care for her daughter. That’s it. I’m done. I closed my TikTok account and I am completely no contact. I accept the estrangement and I am thankful for all of the great people in my life.
Thank you for this Sheri. I usually read all the comments on your site. Oh we are just a bunch of heartbroken parents that did our best to raise our kids only to be rejected by them. We are about 3 years out from my only son rejecting us. I haven’t heard his voice in 3 years. He texted for a bit and then it all stopped. Recently we took a trip to CO where we think he is. We reached out in a text saying we would love to see him. NO RESPONSE. WE did say the door is always open. I never in my life thought I would be here. The hard part is hearing about other families that have wonderful relationships with their adult children. It just pours salt into the wound.
Wonderful article on acceptance. Three adult children: 2 estranged daughters and one, loving son. We havent heard from our eldest daughter in six years, our middle daughter was estranged for 4 years. We had finally moved into acceptance and were mostly at peace with the estrangement, enjoying our loving relationship with our son and his wife. Then a year ago, our middle daughter reached out, asking if she could move home. After discussion and prayer, we said yes and began to hope again that the relationship would be rebuilt. She lived with us for 10 months in which time she fell in love and moved out with her boyfriend. It was only a matter of weeks before we discovered through an email, she was completely estranging from us again. We were heartbroken, if course. To have been led to believe reconciliation was happening, hope was building, only to realize we were being used until something better came along. She lives in our town, which is very difficult, is attending our church for which we are thankful, of course, but because she refuses to speak to us or acknowledge us, we have not decided to attend elsewhere. Just too painful. She recently became engaged, told to us by our son. Her fiancee reached out this week to ask if he could meet only with me to tell us some good news. Pregnant? A wedding? I did not ask but told him the only way we would meet is if our daughter was the one wanting the meeting with both my husband: her father, and myself and I also told him honestly how very hurt we were by her estrangement. We are practicing very strong boundaries going forward. Things will be on our terms. I am VERY thankful for our faith. It has helped us in this journey tremendously. It is a walk of grief to be sure.
As always, Sheri, thank you for your helpful words. Going on six years now since my daughter estranged from me…so many questions left unanswered in my mind. At first, the pain was intolerable. Gradually, I’ve come to realize that this is a permanent situation, made harder by the fact that I’m 79 years old. However, acceptance has now helped me. I will always mourn the lost years and wonder how she is but am doing my best to find happiness mainly in the little things, in the time I have left. Your emails continue to be a great help to me and I thank you for them.
Thank you Sheri. Your articles always touch on what needs to be said and acknowledged. They are always what I need to hear to continue to move forward into the light of a happy life. It has been 8 years since the estrangement of all three of my children. I have no contact, no addresses, not sure if phone numbers have been changed. None of it matters. I focus on my faith in God and allow His joy to fill my heart and my life. I am traveling and spending my time and money on people who love me and make space for me in their lives. God is so good! May God bless you and continue to give you the strength and wisdom to navigate your own estrangement and to support others in theirs. You are truly a wonderful blessing in my life!
Hi
Four years without my daughter for me. She finally told a family member she no longer wants me in her life forever. That hit hard to hear the word forever. That put me over the edge that day because most days I hold out hope. My son seems to follow her lead. No communication. However I am allowed to see my grandson who is one but I have to arrange it through my son’s wife. It’s all very exhausting and confusing as to why we are put through this. I can handle a normal gradual shift in the relationships but this does not seem fair this way
Just what I needed to read this morning. Thank you for your gentle words and perspective on such a painful issue
Thank you for your beautiful writings!! Your words are so soothing and kind. I was estranged from my beautiful daughter for over six years with an occasional word once in a while. I turned to Sheri’s poetic expressions to find peace and strength. Thank the universe to bless us with someone like her. After saying goodbye to my daughter as I did not want to deal with the heartbreak anymore, she had reconnected to me and visited me a few times. When I read this article, I am thinking that the connection I now have with my daughter is like the beautiful Spring season. When she visits me I imagine it as a rain shower that moistens my dry heart. I am looking for friends to spend time with and share my life with.
I have said this to my husband. For 3 years he has had sent messages. Birthday’s, Christmas the odd random ” hope you are ok, I’m here if you ever need anything” all to no avail.
I’ve requested to him to stop. It’s time to take the power away from her and focus on what you do have.
Sheri, so beautifully written. We have to be open to change and find the blue sky above the forest. Lots of Love.
So well said Sheri. I think most of us don’t like change, especially as we get older, and feel angst when things don’t turn out as we expected. Letting go of how things should be in our minds is the key to moving forward. After 3 years of estrangement I’ve tried hard to let go of my son and accept that he wasn’t meant to be part of our family forever. The intense sadness and devastation of those early estrangement days has been nullified by time. Not to mention the terrible confusion, all I wanted was some understanding of what was happening. It’s similar to the stages of grief, I guess we come to acceptance and hopefully we learn to be grateful for what we do have.
I said out loud last night – I hate both of my adult children. I had a rage cry and wanted to vomit. I didn’t though, I went for a walk with my animals and came back still sad. I don’t know why, but I felt much better saying that out loud. It’s not how I usually roll, preferring to stay calm and peaceful but I’m at that place now where I see how much damage they have done to me and our relationship by not taking care of themselves and relying on me but only when it suits them. Seasons change and so have I. I don’t know what my son(s) will find when they return now. I hope I can remain steady and kind as I always have but I feel now, it’s okay if I’m not. I’m allowed to be human too.
I am definitely in a transition period. It has been 3 years since I spoke to my son. He and his wife have chosen to cut me out of their lives and the lives of my 3 precious grandchildren because I married a wonderful man 5 years after my husband died. They used a concocted excuse about believing that widows shouldn’t remarry as we are still married after death. They refused to ever meet my husband and will not have anything to do with me or his sister. My daughter is a joy and blessing to me and enjoys the benefits of my love and my husband’s love. My husband’s children and grandchildren are a joy and treat me with such love and respect. My heart is still broken but I am working very hard to live a full and happy life. Darkness creeps in at various times but I try to work through the hurt as best I can. I am better but will never be completely happy. How can my own flesh and blood just throw me away and never think of me or miss me. It is mind boggling!!! I appreciate the opportunity to share with those who understand. It can be a very lonely road. Carol
We, too, are a few months in with total estrangement from our 34 year old only child daughter. Your words Sheri and the sharing of others has helped us tremendously. Thank you for this area to be free and not judged! Thank you everyone who is part of this painful journey.
1st October marks my beautiful daughter’s birthday (not estranged and very much in my life as long with an older daughter and her 2 gorgeous sons). We are now 9 years into estrangement from our funny, happy, cheeky little boy who turned into a hostile teenager and then a hurtful adult. He has a daughter we have never met. He broke our hearts but Sheri’s books and website showed me how I could move on and value the many blessings in my life. I see my relationship with my son as something that was precious while it lasted but wasn’t meant to be forever, and just as I live with the memories of friends and family members who have died, I remember the good times fondly and then gently turn my attention to the here and now and carry on with my life. I remember the terrible devastation of those early days of estrangement and want everyone to know that you can turn a corner and get through this. Trust in Sheri and the wonderful parents on this website to help you. Big virtual hugs x
Hello Maytime….sorry about the estrangement from your son. I can relate . I am the Mom of 2 sons. One took his life in 2011 which changed my life forever. My other son is now 36 …he use to be a positive and happy young man and we were very close. In the last years he had a few things happened to him which changed him to an introvert and he doesn’t reach out. It’s sooooooo very painful and I am in counseling for it now. So my heart understands your situation❤️❤️
Thank you. I appreciate you and your words.
It’s a bittersweet feeling. Some days I still feel gutted. But, mostly, I feel resolved…”this too, I can endure” & move on. Life does go on. I can, I I have, & will be happy again.
I understand the gutted feeling. I have it missing my youngest young who stopped reaching out.We were always very close since the day he was born❤️
Love your closing sentence, truly rich. “My spirit, my health, my joys…can flourish, even in seasons of change.”
Spot on.
Hi Everybody. My estranged son visited us last week with his family. His wife had asked me a few weeks ago on Facebook if it was ok for them to come. I told her that he needed to ring me first, which he did. He said he now wanted to be in touch but that he only wanted a distant relationship and I replied that we felt the same. I had only recently fully accepted the situation and got over the worst of the upset so I was not particularly looking forward to the visit. I had not seen him for almost 3 years. He was quite close to us until he got married then he steadily became more distant and uncaring. They made mountains out of molehills until the relationships broke down.
The visit was awkward but there was no unpleasantness, and we made them welcome giving them lunch. I do not want to get too involved again because I do not trust him and his wife and I’m trying to protect myself from more trouble. The previous disputes had been bordering on nastiness, particularly towards me.
After the visit he sent us three messages, saying it was nice to see us, saying he thought it went well, then asking if they could visit again in two months. We replied with short answers. I don’t know what he wants or why he is now doing this. My husband just says time will tell.
Dear Linda J.,
From my experience with my estranged daughter, you are wise to be wary. My daughter pushed and pushed to visit, and I fell for it and got hurt again: she only wanted money for a new house down payment. It made the heartbreak even worse. If I had it to do over again I would not allow her back in my heart and would keep contact to a polite and infrequent minimum. But that was impossible for me then, because I was so emotionally vulnerable and wanted so badly to reconcile. I didn’t protect myself. We’re now completely “no contact.” Her fake return and then once she had the money her return to horrible unkindness, even unto publishing libels about us, well, it has been incredibly difficult and painful! Good luck to you, whatever you decide. Thank goodness we have this site and Sheri’s books.
I’m in a season of letting things unfold as they will. I’m not trying to “fix” our estrangement. But also, I’m not letting go of our estranged daughter. I’m at a point where my daughter and I are communicating on FB messenger every three months or so. Just a brief text back and forth. But I was devastated during the early years of our estrangement, especially as lines of communication were eroded. I no longer know her phone number or address. FB has been my only connection with her. Our son does communicate with her occasionally, though, and gives my husband and I some brief updates. My perspective on our estrangement has shifted from one of despair to one of acceptance. I realize that I have no control over my daughter’s feelings and actions. The only feelings and actions I can control are my own. What keeps me steady is my faith and hope in God. God knows my heart. He loves me and He loves my daughter. And I trust that I will see her again in His perfect timing.
Everything you write seems to be what I’ve replayed and processed in my heart and mind which is of comfort .
Thanks again for your wise words.
Families change sure sums it up for me. It has been a long road for me but I am working on accepting what is. It is not how I thought my family would be like but it’s am happy for the family who values time together and the friends who have filled in the empty spaces.
I visited with a new friend yesterday and she shared her heartbreaking story of estrangement with me. I am still amazed at how many people have adult children who have separated themselves from their parents. I feel lucky that I live in a time when the secret and shame is gone and we can open up to share our feelings without being judged.
I continue to struggle with some issues from the estrangement I went through . It is a process and seems to be ever changing. Seasons of life I suspect. I always look forward to another letter from you sheri
Wow this is so beautiful Sheri- It brought tears to my eyes. I love the acceptance and moving forward while ADAPTING to what’s happening around us. One of the only things in life we can truly count on is change- good and bad. We cannot count on anything remaining static, however difficult this can be at times. Four years in February next year has brought me here today from an ED cut off.
With the cut off I realized my life was to move in a different direction and that my family perspective and expectations about my adult children, was not to be carried forward. I learned to adapt and grow, and to be who I can be without her baggage surrounding me- thankful that we still have a grateful son. It’s opened up a world of possibilities for me, and my husband.
I cannot tell you enough, how much my perspective has shifted over the years. I look for the good in life, and have found it amazingly easy, after all these years, to loosen that grip on the ED Sheri. It’s almost like I am a different person now- and I’m happier for it. And so very grateful. Because I am at a place of peace- no more drama and walking on eggshells afraid to say the wrong thing to her, or do the wrong thing. Much of this is due to the help and community of your website. Make no mistake, it has not been easy, and it has taken time. Time does indeed heal and it feels miraculous and good.
And, now it seems I’ve found part of the silver lining in this after all these years! FREEDOM!
The freedom of not having an insecure, ungrateful ED in our lives-feels so much better.
I so needed to hear this. It has been over 6 years of estrangement with my younger daughter an almost 2 with my older daughter. I gratefully have my two sons in my life, however my oldest, dearest friend had a severe stroke in September and recently was moved to a Hospice facility. How I wish I would have appreciated her more and showed her even more love and spent quality time doing more of what she enjoyed when we had the chance. Like time with my daughters, some day will be too late. The time lost can’t be recaptured. A chance for a do over will no longer exist. Forgiveness please!!
Until finding you,and I am ever grateful for that, I had no idea there were so many who shared this awful situation! All the sharing has helped me so much. I have one son and one daughter. No other family close bye. My daughter is the most wonderful thing in my life I am so grateful for her each day. My son has been estranged for years. And like others have tried to understand why it happened, pleaded and kept hoping and waited for him to return. Now after so many years and being hurt so much,I just shockingly realized how much he and his wife must have hated us to abandon us and keep us out of their and children’s life. It was quite a realization to me. I cannot say much to my daughter as she won’t talk about it and I don’t want constant gloom and doom to ruin her life.I try to concentrate on the good things we share . I guess this is denial on my part but it works for me. Is that wrong but it helps the pain. Thanks to all who shares!!
This is so profound!
Emotionally, we are just beginning the estrangement, it was absolutely devastating for 3 weeks. I still have bouts of anguish.
The analogy of the trees leaves, reminded me that my Tree had a couple of leaves left before dropping to the ground. One leaf was my daughter-in-law, who was the one that brought our grandson to us for 6 years as our son wouldn’t. But this January, that leaf dropped to the ground and our son rejected me for something. I’m not even sure what it’s about and he “slammed the door” in my face and wouldn’t let me talk. Since he claimed to becoming an atheist about 15 years ago, he stated that it’s not necessary to forgive and be forgiven. Yet he talks about the 20+ years that apparently he suffered from something we supposedly did that I would assume had something to do with our Church. This will be our first Christmas without our grandchildren.
I like your analogy of fall and adapting to the changes of our seasons. My situation is a little different from most of the parents. My estranged daughter (50 yrs old) still lives with me in my house. That would sound good at first, but, because of this she is able to “be in.my face” pretty much every day to tell me how much she hates me for all the “evil things??” that I have done to her. She refuses to move out. I went to court to try to evict her and the judge sided with her and told me that he would not grant it. She had put on a big act about how she had mental illness and would be living on the streets.. She gets SS Disability and while it’s not much, she would be able to live in a group home in our area. The judge just told me that we need to resolve our differences and get on.with our lives in my house. I was livid. Last year, when she was angry with me for not taking her to Paris with me on.”my bucket list trip”, she left the water running in my bathroom and flooded half the house while she was downstairs sleeping on my couch ( after doing weed). She also further injured my broken foot by pulling the freezer drawer out over my foot. I then had to have further surgery due to the bone getting dislocated. She told the judge those were just accidents, and he believed her. So, here I am suffering every day while she ignores me and treats me with utter disrespect. I’m not sure what is better, having your child disrespect and hate you from afar or having them doing it in your face every day.. If you ask me, I’d say that I believe it’s the latter.
This was such a good article. It addressed how it feels to go theough the different stages of loss and frustration. It still is unbelievable how distant we are from our son. It will never change because of his other life and that is ok-he is grown and has made his choices on his own. I will always miss the way we were but I also know it is gone forever and I must remain centered and look at the big picture of my life. Thank you for sharing❤️
So perfectly articulated.
I have accepted my situation such that I am no longer sending un acknowledged cards, checks and gifts. I’m at the final 1/4 of my life. No use in living it pining for what will never be
Thank you. So beautiful and healing