Adult children’s distant behavior: More “parents at fault” media
Over the last month or so, I’ve seen several articles about parent-and-adult-child relationships that, for the most part, hit the same old stereotypes.
Take this one that makes any dissatisfaction in the relationship the parents’ fault:
7 signs your adult children respect, but don’t actually like you, according to psychology
First, where’s the “psychology” the title mentions? The article contains absolutely zero. Instead, it references vague behaviors, the reasons for which always loop back to the parent being the one at fault or to fix. The writer does admits the vagueness, advising parents to keep in mind that there could be other reasons the child is distant, doesn’t initiate contact, etc.
In my view, the article’s entire premise is off. It’s based on parents guessing about adult children’s distant behavior. Or, in the writer’s vernacular, “deciphering” what the vague behaviors may mean. If a son or daughter starts acting in the ways the article outlines, a parent who feels comfortable in the relationship ought to feel okay to ask if everything’s all right, if anything is wrong, or if there’s anything they can do to help. Communication is always touted as important for relationships. Yet here, parents are intended to guess (decipher).
As I read through the piece, I couldn’t help thinking that maybe a parent is better off not knowing all the ups and downs and personal details of an adult child’s life. I didn’t burden my parents with my relational discord, financial stressors, or other problems. Likewise, I don’t want my children to make me the keeper of their every worry or need. They’re adults.
While family members can lean on one another and do, knowing too many personal details might cause strife. If you’re the recipient of a feelings dump, will you also want to fix the problem? If you voice possible solutions, will you feel irritated when they choose to stay in the mess (or take someone else’s advice)? Perhaps you stay quiet because you trust they can manage their lives. Yet you still ponder their problems later and worry about the facts you now know.
Furthermore, since when did not sharing details have anything to do with whether you “like” someone? I don’t tell everyone I meet and like the details of my life. That included my parents when they were alive, and also includes my adult children and other family members. Do you share your private details with your adult children you like? How about other people?
Why was the idea that an adult child might respect you but not “like” you even proffered?
Most of us probably do want to be “liked,” but perhaps there’s too much emphasis on the idea of close friendship between parents and children. Parents love and often do like our adult kids, but it’s probably healthiest for us to also have our own interests and friendships. Social connection is important and relying on our children as the sole source doesn’t make sense.
Have you seen an article about estrangement, adult children’s distant behavior, or something else relevant to this site you’d like my thoughts about or would like others to see? Send me a note using the contact form with a link to the piece and your thoughts about it. Contact me here.
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11 thoughts on “Adult children’s distant behavior: More “parents at fault” media”
My estranged adult child, has stopped communicating with me, but left all forms of communication open, (still on Facebook etc…) last time they went 6 months, then one day they started talking again. I hesitate to ask why it happened, afraid they will go silent again. I came across your name by chance on fb and was grateful to see I’m not alone. Thank you for your powerful insight and safe space.
Peace,
This parents always at fault and parents’ experiences not being valid or worthy of processing is discouraging. Yes as parents we need to be the parent and validate our children’s experiences, but not at our own expense. Thank you Sheri for connecting all of us estranged parents and providing a safe forum for all of us.
At what point in time do adult children take responsibility for their actions?? Why do parents ALWAYS have to shoulder blame??
Society is out to lunch on parenting.
Hi Sheri,
It’s taken some sense of vulnerability and a push through my overwhelming sense of failure to comment. This article hit me in the heart hard. In our situation, the estrangement is with a adoptive child (now adult) who has FASD. The amount of whispering gossip filled with untruths has become overbearing. As a professional in the field of disabilities, I’ve always felt that the definition of success as a parent was higher for me than others. His bio-family became a directing force in his life with standards and rules being non-existent. We couldn’t compete with what they offered (no rules, no school, no job, etc). We are learning to live with invisible signs of “fault” as his confabulations have an audience that our truths don’t have.
Well. Part, or a good part, of the estrangement pain for me has been that I really liked my children and enjoyed their company and we had a lot of fun together. (Obviously, until they pushed away.) I haven’t found a similar dynamic in any other relationship/friendship, and that’s kept me in grief and solitude. Thus, I conclude, that it’s better not to be friends with your children, so they don’t have to push away so hard, and you don’t miss them when they’re gone and naturally want to live their own lives.
Candleinthewind,
Maybe when we have had fun and enjoyed their company, we neglect making more friends and cultivating outside interests. Then it’s a new task to seek these different yet satisfying social connections. Something we can ponder anyway. I also think the dynamics are unique as you said.. There’s not anything quite like these little humans we know from teeny status and they us. I guess I never thought to compare other sorts of relationships. We have to grieve the loss of these.
Hugs. You always give me a different angle to ponder.
Sheri McGregor
Hi Sheri:
I can’t thank you enough for your email and all the great articles you’ve enclosed with it. Your emails seem to always come when I’m in need of propping up. Your books and all of your articles have been of immense support to me. It has been four years since my daughter estranged herself & since then there is an element of sadness that is with me each day. I am now 78 & she is 53. I quit reaching out last year. I have no hope left at all, Sheri & she actually seems like a stranger to me now. The new “psychology” out there about estrangement is incredibly hurtful. Thank you, Sheri, for your continued support.
Sue,
Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad these bits help.
As you described the sadness, I was picturing it as a little felt heart or a beaded teardrop. Something you could tuck away or see differently somehow.
I’m sorry about your daughter and I know you must miss her so. And … she has changed. I know the feeling of the not recognizing someone because they have changed so much they are not the same person.
One thing we can hang onto is our own integrity. You’re right. There is some dangerous psychology out there that is ruining lives … including ones who will later realize they destroyed something beautiful and irreplaceable.
Hugs to you, Sue.
Sheri McGregor
Dear Sheri ~
While unfortunate, the truth is that estranged adult children, and those party to them, “will later realize that they destroyed something beautiful and irreplaceable”. Therein lies the absolute tragedy of estrangement. Because at some point, the search for the truth is really searching for an alternate ending to a skewed narrative that presented as the easy and prideful way out of having the difficult conversations.
Thank you for always being here for us.
Great blog post. I also think there might be too much emphasis with my peers on their children being a closed circle of their friendships and social lives. I had to realize I needed more friends and more of my own interests. My adult sons and daughters were not going to provide me with peer to peer friendships or relationships. I wanted to be with people I did not have to be in the role of mother with. My friends who never had kids talk about a great variety of subjects. My friends with kids often can only describe their grandkids latest sport or hobby. Neither way is right or wrong but I decided I truly needed more in my life.
Yellow Rose. We benefit from varied interests. It keeps us young! It’s good for adult children when we have our own interests, too.
You keep on learning and growing. I admire you for your gumption.
Sheri McGregor