Ask Sheri McGregor: Do parents self-reflect and ask “why?”
Question from an estranged adult:
“Do parents ever ask WHY?“
An adult who chose to estrange from her parents recently wrote:
I have come across your book and am intrigued by it and the fact that it’s written. I am estranged but I am the daughter!
Wouldn’t you want the parents to self reflect and ask why their child/children had to go to the extreme measure to be estranged? It is Not what I wanted yet it was better for my health and wellbeing to go no contact with my parents who are not healthy mentally but think they are.
So why does this book exist? Have the parents you researched self reflected? Have they asked why their children have gone no contact because for me and others it is usually the last resort, it is after we have tried everything and nothing else has worked, boundaries have been crossed and no amount of talking gets anywhere.
Thank you.
Kind regards,
N.
Answer from Sheri McGregor
Dear N,
Thank you for writing. Your basic question is one I’ve heard repeatedly over the years.
One part of your letter especially stood out to me. You asked whether the parents I hear from have reflected on themselves or asked why their children became estranged.
The answer is yes. In fact, “why?” is usually the first question they ask—and often the most difficult one to stop asking.
As for self-reflection, that’s where the “why” question leads. They replay the past, revisit decisions and conversations, and see everything through a lens of “there must be something I did.” It’s a natural response because loving parents are practiced at taking on a child’s perspective and trying to understand their pain. Most parents have been doing that since their children were tiny and crying out for food, comfort, or help.
Even when parents don’t understand what went wrong or why an adult child feels the need for estrangement, they frequently apologize and ask the son or daughter to talk it out, sometimes with a mediator. I hear from parents every day who have been searching for answers, sometimes for many years—and feeling as if they’re all alone. They may not tell other people because they:
- fear they’ll be judged
- want to protect their adult child’s reputation
- feel ashamed of the situation, even when they don’t understand what happened
Parents do self-reflect. I encourage that. It’s one way all individuals—parents or adult children—grow. Sometimes reflection leads to meaningful insight. Parents recognize mistakes, see blind spots, and make changes. They may ask for the opportunity to acknowledge mistakes, clear up misunderstandings, or talk openly about times when a child felt abandoned because other life circumstances took priority.
There comes a point when self-reflection turns to rumination. The search for certainty may never end. The hoped-for fix may require cooperation from someone who won’t come to the table. When that’s true, or when adult children expect all bending to go one way, parents eventually have to make room for a life without them.
Though parents apologize, ask to talk, suggest counseling or mediation, and hope for another chance, sometimes they’re never given that opportunity. Sometimes, the concerns raised by adult children shift repeatedly, too. So, resolution is always another step beyond parents’ reach.
Parents still need to function, enjoy healthy relationships, and experience joy in this fleeting life. That’s where my work to help parents be “done with the crying” comes in.
For parents who have been asking “why?”—healing often requires a new question: How do I live well despite estrangement?
N, I also want to address what you said about your own well-being. Parents, too, can come to a similar conclusion. They try, just as you said you did, without a good result. To move forward without the sons or daughters they have always loved isn’t necessarily what they want, but it can be healthier than chasing a relationship that only results in more hurt.
While your parents may indeed struggle with mental illness, that isn’t true of all parents whose adult children cut them off. I’m sorry you’ve been negatively affected. I know how heartbreaking and difficult it is when a loved one is unwell, suffering anosognosia, and not getting appropriate care and treatment. Also, some estranged adult children struggle with mental illness, addiction, or other problems that contribute to estrangement.
Just as honest self-reflection matters, so does knowing when reflection has done what it can. Looking at ourselves honestly is healthy. Looking forever for an explanation is not.
My books exist to help parents self-reflect. Yes, seeing mistakes, but also remembering the love, effort, and good they brought to parenting. I also help parents view possible reconciliation realistically–to reconnect if that’s possible and desired, and to live their own lives with dignity, self-respect, and peace regardless.
One other thought came to mind as I read your email. You said that, for you, rejecting your parents felt like a last resort after repeated attempts at a healthier relationship. I hear you that this has been your experience. There are certainly families where that’s true. Even so, no single experience explains all estrangements.
After thirteen-plus years of focused work (as of this writing halfway through 2026), I’ve heard thousands of stories from people all around the world. While many share similarities, they also hold great complexity. Broad statements about estrangement usually don’t fit. I wouldn’t tell an adult child with abusive parents to put themselves in the line of fire. Nor would I tell parents of abusive adult children to continue pursuing a relationship where they will be abused further.
My work helps hurting parents face estrangement honestly, take responsibility where appropriate, and let go of undue guilt or self-blame, even as much of society attempts to burden them.
I wish you well, N.
Sheri McGregor
—Note to parents of estranged adult children:
Honest self-reflection is healthy. Endless self-blame is not.
That conviction is woven throughout Healing Reflections for Parents of Estranged Adult Children. Like all my work, the book isn’t based on broad generalizations or one-size-fits-all answers. My aim is to help you better understand yourself in your own unique situation—and to move forward with greater clarity, dignity, and grace.
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26 thoughts on “Ask Sheri McGregor: Do parents self-reflect and ask “why?””
I amazes me how N and the estranged adult children away without explanation, ignore, give zero answers to direct questions and pleas for explanation of what we’ve done wrong, and we’re the ones who “should know what you did wrong.” Ummmm, actually, no, you’ve never adult-ed up and told us what we did wrong! And worse, you move the markers every time we might guess correctly, apologize profusely, and think we’re making progress.
The mile markers constantly move. Or you give us a blast of every single thing that’s gone wrong in your lives like it’s all our fault. We aren’t the reason you pay taxes, we aren’t the reason you can’t buy a home, we aren’t the reason you don’t go to family events, firstly saying you never want to see them ever again, and THEN get mad that you didn’t get an invite…
How much are we supposed to try? What’s the exact right amount of begging? What’s the right number of rejections before you decide to give us a smidge of human treatment for the ones that literally gave all we had and more until your switch flipped and suddenly we’re the arch enemies of all the things that go wrong in your adulthood?
Sorry, but God, you entitled and mentally immature adults are exhausting. You don’t know what help you want, but you sure as heck want to let us know how we’ve ruined your lives. You don’t want to have anything to do with us, and then get upset when we stop punishing ourselves by reaching out over and over ad nauseum and finally decide to save our sanity because we never get answers, acknowledgements, and you continue to play “I’m not telling you, guess” games.
I’m guessed out. I’m used out. I’m yelled at out. I’m blamed out. You wanna be an adult? Act like one, have a conversation, say your piece and maybe let us say ours so we can find common ground and stop the delusional nonsense that WE have RUINED your lives. You’re adults…act like responsible ones instead of tantruming toddlers with no words yet. Porcupines for adults…come close so I can tell you what you did, oh, nope, too close, blam! Here’s every quill of venom from the age of 2 to today that you and the universe did to me…suffer until I feel better!
We have news for you; you won’t ever feel better drinking your own poison and hatred and expecting us to die from heartache and sorrow if you won’t share your big person words…and no, tantrums and yelling and pulling every conceivable problem from everyone you’ve ever encountered out of the bag to spew at us to clean up doesn’t count as an adult conversation.
What do I wish for? What comes around goes around. You’ll experience it yourselves from someone you love deeply someday. And then maybe you’ll have half an inkling of the hurt.
Wow! Reading N.’s letter actually hurt me, this is my DIL to a T! My dil sent me a text when the “cut me out” and it was of the same words- is this a cult? I’m be facetious here by my word! How come they are all using the same verbiage ? It’s like they could care less about us,the parents and our feelings. I have asked WHY so many times, and to never have a reply! it is deafening to my soul.
I read all of your responses and I too have the same feelings and many of the same circumstances.And as of late, my older son is being brought into this by his brother and I m noticing changes in him, so now instead of our every other day call, I maybe get one every other week. My heart is breaking all over again.
hugs to you and thank you for being so open and sharing Sheri, thank you for giving us thiis safe place and being here for us. huge hugs,Mimsy
I totally understand this can go both ways especially if both parents are truly mentally ill. The problem is society is pushing estrangement from parents. Counselors encourage it even when there is no fault from the parents. Social media encourages it for all “wrong things parents did to their children”. The majority of parents do the best they can with what they have. I am not talking abusive situations or in the case where parents are mentally ill to the point t that it negatively impacts their children/grandchildren. It’s a known phenomenon that adult children particularly in the 20s-30s are cutting parents out as if they don’t exist. That is a great tragedy for everyone involved where there will forever scars on all parties.
As I have learned recently I see more and more of these “cut off” children in that age group.
Tamara, I agree with you,we do, do the best we can with what we have
hugs,Mimsy
Such a great response Sheri, thank you. The intrigue over the fact that your book even exists tells me everything I need to know; the abysmal ignorance of an estranged adult child’s hurtful and extreme decision making. “Self-reflect and think about what you’ve done” – that’s what we get for teaching them the disciplinary technique of “time out”.
I have three of Sheri McGregor’s books and they truly saved me. I have been devastated by my daughter’s estrangement . Thanks to Sheri McGregor and her books. I have freedom and peace in my life. It’s a daily process and the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I take one breath at a time and move forward. I will forever be grateful for this group and Sheri McGregor‘s work.
Thank you for this article. As an estranged parent, when you’ve tried everything you can think of to restore the relationship and it is still estranged, self-reflection and self-blame have to cease. I have such life now, especially since I read your book years ago, realizing like many estranged parents, ‘it is not my fault’. Sure I occasionally miss my two children that are estranged, but I try to remove them from my day-to-day life (it helps living a far distance from them), and my life is full.
Personally, I think it’s beneficial (in a difficult way) to be reminded of the vaste ocean of difference there is between the thinking and reasoning of the estranged, and the parents. After having been blanked at my birthday (expected) and trying not to send birthday wishes to my estranged son. It’s all so unnatural and difficult when we are surrounded by people telling of their family, children, grandchildren’s attentions, doings etc and we have nothing to report back. Society is all family based and we are excluded from that reality. I need a lie down! Resting rather than fighting my way through this has proved essential.
I’m sorry for your heart candleinthewind.”( I feel the same way about Society and family…right now we have none and it breaks my heart… Instead of a lie down, I get a cuppa and slow stitch
I respect her story but our situation was nothing like this. The estrangement was sudden, confusing, we were blindsided. Son met a girl who didn’t seem to care for our family, he began to mirror her behavior, and within 6 months he threw away 24 years of love and support. He didn’t respond to texts, letters, invitations or any outreach from me, our family, or extended family. Why? Because he has no intention of reconciling. He didn’t need us anymore. It’s been four years and we’ve given up trying, way too emotionally draining and one sided. No one knows where he is or what he is doing. Terribly sad but no one behaved unnaturally or dysfunctionally but him.
Loved when you called out the assertion of parents having mental health problems by making it real! Its so easy to use labels as insults or blanket diagnosis to discredit another person. Very thoughtful answer on behalf of us all.
Exactly! Bravo Sheri!
Dear Sheri:
I just read your answer to “N”. It felt, to me, like you were writing to my own estranged daughter and I must say, it felt like a balm to my soul.
Always grateful to you, Sheri, for helping to make the end years of my life liveable.
I have a son that without a doubt is married to a narcissist, She causes situations and then blames us for the problem. Unbeknownst to us she has been isolating our son by telling him we don’t love him. Now that particular son has acted ashamed of us and married into an old family in this small town where they are highly regarded and it makes him feel important that her family embraced him and in essence adopted him. Because for many years he has stopped attending any gatherings of our family and only attended her family gatherings. Only occasionally did he admit he had a problem ,say for instance on mother’s days when she denied him the opportunity to give me a mother’s day card. He had to have his son our grandson deliver it for fear of what she might do. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for him to live under such tyranny. My husband recently passed away, that daughter in law did show up for the funeral viewing but she gave me glances that said she was not happy being there plus every attempt I made to thank her she pushed me aside. My husband wrote into a trust where by he ask that son to be trustee or at least help me his mother but what I heard from him is he is just too busy to help me settle the necessary paper work and his attitude toward me is more like hers now. He is becoming her little by little. The grand children by that son and his wife are distant and didn’t even bother showing up for their grandfathers viewing nor show me any respect under the circumstances. I suppose you’ve heard this story or some version many times. I’ve come to realize Narcissism is becoming common place. I’ve stopped blaming my self long ago but it doesn’t mean that it isn’t painful. I raised my sons to be close and so they go fishing every fall and I had to ask that their father be included several years ago when I could see my husband’s health was failing. I ask the boys to consider that one day he would pass and they wouldn’t have any wonderful memories. It was told me that that the daughter in law objected but it still happened despite her. I stay in prayer and love no matter what.
Sheri, you were kind to the estranged daughter and also used her note to teach. I admire that and feel, also, that this adult daughter might not have asked sincerely. Her note reminded me of my daughter, who will ask things that come out as if they’re sincere but are rooted in a place of disdain. She’s very manipulative like her father, my ex, but looks wise to the outside world. I don’t think I’m biased when I see that in this estranged adult daughter’s question. I think you know that, too. Kudos to you for taking her and the rest of society on, because her view is what is heard the world over about parents. You, I, and so many of us know that we have asked ourselves “why?” and we “self-reflect” first. You always give everyone hugs, so here is one for you: (((((((Sheri))))))) Lots of love, Angela
I felt some of this too, Angela. I have spent years trying to understand why my child doesn’t want much of a relationship with me and the rest of our family and at this point, they simply say, “in fact, it’s not really you, it’s me.” This doesn’t make anything better or less painful, but I do think it is wrong-minded and cruel to suggest that a relationship that ends in estrangement is only the fault of one side. Sometimes the kids aren’t ok. Sometimes the kids are the ones with mental health problems for which they simply will not take responsibility, despite any amount of help and resources. I am not issuing blame here, but I am suggesting that nuance is sometimes lacking in conversations about why relationships fail. My heart will never stop hurting and grieving our loss or seeking to understand or hoping things might change.
I agree, Angela—that letter was not in good faith. Sheri did a masterful job of addressing the fallacies in it!
And yes, always hugs for Sheri. Who has been through hell and back with dignity and grace.
It’s so good to point out to that letter writer that parents have a long habit (since the child’s birth) of taking on the child’s perspective, but rarely if ever does the adult child attempt to understand how the parent feels or to understand the parent’s perspective. OR much less grow to understand that parents have lives that are more than just the role of parent! Kudos to Sheri for answering such a (not stupid—just limited and blinkered) perspectivally limited question with so much patience and teaching. The issue of mutuality: mutual respect, mutual boundaries, mutual effort to understand the other—is usually absent when children are talking. It was good to add that back in to the discussion because after all the adult child is AN ADULT. And should be able to think from more than a child-view.
“Honest self-reflection is healthy. Endless self-blame is not.”
Oh my! I need to embroider this and hang it on the wall. Tying ourselves in knots, trying to figure out what has happened, with no opportunity to hear where my son is in the process is like trying to catch smoke.
Yet, I try. How I wish I could switch off that instinct.
Love and peace to everyone.❤️
Very good answer back !
I was interested in N’s perspective. She may well have ‘tried everything’, but that hasn’t been my experience. I have two estranged sons. I have admitted to them both that I know I was never a perfect parent. I have apologised, many times, for any hurt I have caused them. Neither of them have ever acknowledged that they have done anything to hurt me.
Building bridges is a hard, and often painful, process but it is made harder when the person at the other side not only makes no effort to help, but who destroys the work you have done and sends you back to the beginning. So, yes, I have done a lot of self reflection. I have asked myself ‘why?’ – and often still do. But my health and wellbeing matter too.
I raised my children the best way I could and made sacrifices that they won’t or can’t acknowledge. I will always love my sons but I have reached the point where I have had to accept that relationships with them are too costly to my health. I truly believe that I deserve to have some peace and happiness in what remains of my life.
My son and I had an incredibly close and loving relationship, until he met the woman who would become his wife. Her insecurities have forced a wedge between my son and our family, particularly me. I miss him terribly and have spent years struggling to find answers to fix this difficult situation. Thank you for guiding me down the path of learning to cope without the endless pain and tears. Your book has been invaluable to me. I have been learning to wait and continue to live my life. I have convinced myself that at some point he’ll figure it out. Some days are more difficult than others, but thanks to your book, I now realize that I am not the one who has changed and he will figure that out in time. In the meantime, I continue to be me and hope that he’ll rejoin the family that loves him unconditionally.
I seem to be the parent that kids take things out of. Even if my husband feels the same as me. He never apologizes or defends me. He’s silent and I’m always the one who gets blasted. I don’t understand it. Excuse my language but he’s a chicken shit. When they need advice or want to complain about something in their life they call me then get mad. I constantly walk on eggmshells
A great reply Sheri to the letter you received from an Adult child who has estranged herself from her parents. We have all self reflected, many many times. Apologised when we do not know what for Endlessly blamed ourselves for the estrangement. Attempted many times to talk about a solution with our child. The hard truth is that they do not want to come back into our lives. That is a hard pill to swallow but it’s better for us to swallow it and get on with our lives with the beautiful people that want us in their lives. Elaine
I’m constantly making every effort I can to maintain my relationship with my 35 year old daughter. During her pregnancy she stopped talking to me completely with no explanation. 3 months after the birth of her child she reconnected, with phone calls and FaceTime I got to meet my grandchild. I offered to help with her return to work recently and visited and took care of baby for 3 days. Her partner showed he obviously disliked me. Nobody said thank you and I left a day early feeling exhausted. I have been back over a week with one brief phone call but otherwise ignored again. During the visit she only had praise for her father who paid for baby goods but never visits her city. She expressed sympathy for his health issues. She told me I have to get along with her boyfriend to be part of her family and I tried. But he just doesn’t like me. I took care of my children as a single mother and yet am The disposable parent. I feel worse with each discard
After reading Beautiful Sheri’s Post this evening concerning the letter from an estranged adult child asking “So why does this book exist? Have the parents you researched self reflected?” I was prompted to share my recent book review on Beautiful Sheri’s new book, “Healing Reflections for Parents of Adult Children.” It is a valuable resource for parents, as well as adult children…Not only in dealing with estrangement, but with any life experience, challenge and/or trauma. The “why” of it all may not be completely understood…but through Reflection some sense of Understanding & Acceptance can be gained…Easing the suffering…Allowing Free Will and Choice in Living Life Now & in the future…
My Heart is with “N” the estranged daughter who wrote the letter.
Customer Review
C.A.
5 out of 5 stars “Dollop of Grace”
Reviewed in the United States on June 28, 2026
Format: Paperback
Verified Purchase
This book feels like a “dollop of Grace,” as have all of Sheri McGregor’s former books dealing with estrangement.
Truly an invitation to the “journey within one’s self.” …Allowing & beckoning one to Reflect in this Beautiful & Enlightening Path of Nature…Within each Guided Meditation & Journal Prompt, one can Reflect through Awareness and Contemplation of life experiences… Guiding one to the Present Moment…Gaining Clarity, Wisdom and Discernment on “moving forward” in one’s Life path…Making Peace With What Was…Is and Will Be…
In Divine Friendship & Gratitude,
C.A.
May Beloved Estranged Parents & Adult Children Be Blessed In Body…Mind & Spirit.
Wishing You All A Wonder-Full “Fourth-of-July”…
God Bless America on 250th Birthday!!!
Let Freedom…Peace…& Justice Ring!!!