Ask Sheri McGregor: When one adult child stays connected to the child who estranged
Ask Sheri McGregor: When one adult child stays connected to the child who estranged
Question from Bianca, a mother of two adult children:
Dear Sheri,
Even after all our son’s hurtful comments and actions to us, his parents, our daughter continues a relationship with her brother. I’m having a difficult time understanding how she can continue the relationship and enable him to break up the family and not support us, her parents.
I feel so lost.
—Bianca
Answer from Sheri McGregor:
Dear Bianca,
I’m so sorry you’re in this confusing and painful situation. You’re already hurting over your son’s refusal to speak to you. Now, your daughter’s continued relationship with him feels like another betrayal.
When an adult child becomes cruel, acts in hurtful ways, or walks away entirely, parents often hope other family members will recognize the behavior for what it is: damaging, wrong, and uncalled for. When another of their children goes on as if nothing has happened, parents can feel abandoned all over again.
Often, parents are already wondering if, after all their love and devotion, a child could just up and walk away, then what’s to stop another? They may feel protective of the other children and fearful that the currently wayward adult child will pull the sibling away too. Or, without meaning to, parents may pull back from their other children as a buffer against potential hurt. All of those feelings can be normal given the circumstances, and it’s important for parents to be aware and work to minimize the damage creep (the way estrangement can seep into other relationships). The fact is that sometimes siblings have it rough too.
In Beyond Done With The Crying, I included interviews with siblings because their position can be complicated. They may have mixed feelings. They may know things the parents don’t know, or believe the estranged sibling will come around in time. They may be trying to keep a door open for reasons of their own, or perhaps even contemplating a future when parents are gone and siblings may be the only family ties left.
Estrangement brings confusion and complexity to the family landscape. From where you stand, your daughter’s continued contact looks like “enabling.” To her, it may feel like staying connected to her brother, avoiding conflict, keeping peace, refusing to take sides, or even helping.
Unfortunately, sometimes in their distress, parents can end up allowing the estranged child’s behavior to overshadow the relationship with the one who is still present. It’s as if the absent sibling’s choices, and the present sibling’s “enabling,” loom like dark clouds over every interaction. And that doesn’t foster the loving connection you want.
In Beyond Done, I’ve written more specifically about how to take care of yourself, in practical ways that support peace. When you’re grounded and calm, it influences those around you. It’s best to take care of yourself and your feelings outside the relationship. That way, if you do end up in conversations where you share your thoughts and feelings with your other child, you’re more likely to interact in a manner that feels safe and doesn’t escalate.
I’m not minimizing your very real and understandable feelings. I am suggesting that beyond stating the facts of the hurt, including that the continued relationship brings up fears and adds pain, it’s wise to turn to other places to process those feelings. A trusted friend, a counselor, a journal, or a private community such as the one hosted here can make all the difference. Your estranged son walked away. Even though your daughter may be as you said, “enabling” him by not shunning him in return, she isn’t to blame for what he chose and is continuing to do. She’s also not responsible for fixing the rift—he is.
You can still make decisions about what you do or don’t want to hear about the estranged one or their times together. You have the right to say the pain is too much to be exposed to those details. That way, you’re asserting that the pain has been inflicted and the behavior is hurtful, without demanding that your daughter take a stand she may not be willing to take.
If your son’s actions loom over the relationship, imagine yourself like a strong wind, blowing away the storm clouds. The storm has done damage, and there’s no need to pretend that’s not true. But you can make sure it doesn’t darken every moment you have with your daughter.
Do your best not to let your son’s estrangement steal a good relationship with her. Let her feel loved in your presence. Take your deepest hurt, fear, anger, and confusion to a place where those feelings can be held and processed. Then, even if rough feelings get stirred when you’re with your daughter, you can remain calm, caring, and strong.
For more on sibling perspectives and the possible wider family effects of estrangement, you may find Beyond Done With The Crying helpful. And in a private community such as the one hosted here, you can share more of the specifics and receive support from people who understand the complicated family waters estrangement creates.
Huge hugs to you, Bianca. I know this is a rough situation, and you’re certainly not alone in it. With four adult children besides my estranged one, I get how difficult navigating the family waters can be. I also want to add that the best way to handle this now, may change in the future. You’re always able to reevaluate.
Sheri McGregor
Don't go through this all alone.
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22 thoughts on “Ask Sheri McGregor: When one adult child stays connected to the child who estranged”
I have very much encouraged our one daughter to keep the lines of communication open & not choose sides…there is no such thing as a winning side with estrangement. Besides that my one daughter may one day be the reason to opening my other two daughters about this insanity they have chosen. Unfortunately, she has pretty much decided to just stay away from them as they aren’t making good life choices overall & the lies they are spreading about their parents is beyond inexcusable.
I’ve encouraged my youngest son to keep in contact with his older sister even though he disproves of her seven-year estrangement of me, her father. I told my son it’s good that he maintain “normal” family contact for my daughter’s sake. While awkward at times, such as finding out I have a new grandchild only through my son’s contact with her, even indirect contact is better than no contact for at least my son emailed me a picture of my new granddaughter when she was born a year ago. While it’s sad of course that my estranged daughter hasn’t even yet made contact with me about this new grandchild, at least through my son’s contact I know my daughter is still functioning and apparently happy, albeit without me. That’s the way it is. My daughter remains in my daily prayers.
My son and his family remain in touch with his sister who estranged herself from me 8 years ago. The estrangement was especially crushing since we were always a family of three after my husband died when they were 4 and 2 years old. I was 23 at the time and his loss shattered me and drastically altered our lives. Fast forward about 40 years and my daughter decided she no longer wanted a relationship, telling me she “no longer does Mothers Day”. I had a wonderful relationship with her two children and the loss of all three truly broke my heart. My son remains in contact with her and they go on vacations together. I understand his choice but I’m always torn between wanting to hear news of them and not wanting to re-open the wound.
my estranged daughter has contact with the younger sister, and we do see her when there are events that we are both invited to our ED says she loves us and hugs us and acts like nothing ever happened and then goes back to being no contact …so confusing! This has gone on for two years and I believe it’s her boyfriend of 11 years that has sparked this no Contact he is an only child and grew up with not a very good sense of family at all! The entire situation is very strange because we treated him like a son for nine of the 11 years. I believe we gave too much and gave him too much power.
Hi all
I don’t want to repeat all the same stories, they all are alike and I think is a very hard break of the family, when 1,2 or all adult children estranged us. Including our grandchildren, it is so painful and as all of you I feel the pain inside my heart, something I never felt before.
I’ve been estranged for 5 years. My siblings didn’t want to support me, they decided to take the easy way out. They see my children and their daughters as if nothing happened, so Im alone on this. When I realized that things will be that way, I worked on me, by myself, try to live day by day. Try not to ask as much as possible about them. But I can’t help not asking about my granddaughters. 2 out of 3 I never met. I’ve been estranged by 2 out of 4. The 4 maintain a good relationship as always. I feel very confused as all of you. This makes all the relationships more hurtful and difficult but I try to do the best I can with my 2 sons with whom I still have a relationship.
These relationships will never be as I used to have with them before the estrangement, I walk over eggshells. I don’t want them to cut me off.
It is a very light relationship only ask what I know they will answer. Never ask them to do something for me. I never talk with them how I feel, or if I want to cry. to add Im divorced and widow.
I can relate somewhat. My ED has been absent from my life for 13 years, with the exception of a business phone call two or three times a few years ago. My three stepdaughters are in constant contact with her and are virtually estranged from me as well now, except they put a nicer face on it for their dad’s sake. The horrible part for me is the family group texts of which I am on the roster and I get to see all of these interactions as if I am a casual bystander who is included because they fear my husband’s disapproval. I would really rather not be included at all, frankly. I blame these stepdaughters for much of the problem, however my daughter has a mind of her own and this is how she decides she wanted it. I asked her to serve as my POA last time we talked and she said she had no desire to be involved. So there you go. It’s brutal. I have a good life for the most part, but there is still a missing joy that has never been restored.
I sometimes struggle with this issue as well. It does seem in some ways like a betrayal, but I have to remember his brother is hurting too..he has also lost part of his family as well and is trying to keep some sort of contact with him. The reason could be a lot of things, but it is his choice and he is an adult. It is importantly for me to remember that the only person who can stand up for or defend me is myself. No one can be expected to “take sides” in something like this because it is so unfair and confusing in so many ways. Emotions run deep and we are all bruised by what has happened. I believe the only one unaffected is the child who has decided to be distant or estranged in the family. It is hard and so awful but the only thing to do is live my best life with who is around me and always there for me.
I spent five years with my daughter continuing her relationship with my estranged son, wife, and grandchildren. I always knew she had pictures on her phone since I don’t use social media. A year ago, I told her that the hurt is difficult for me to see her and not think about him too. She was telling my son anything I said and serving as an intermediary. We went to therapy for a second time three years ago and my daughter sided with my son for using past events as a weapon to keep holding against me. My daughter has a therapist she works with, and she disclosed that I made her feel she didn’t matter when I said I was hurt. The therapist suggested she set a boundary with me. I am now estranged from my second adult child too. This is rhetorical, but why wouldn’t a therapist suggest repairing the relationship as an empowerment for my daughter? She is heavily influenced by my son, his wife, and her therapist but does send me texts occasionally to say she will always love me. I guess she has to live inside their story they have created for me. It is the oddest and most painful dynamic I thought I would ever face with the ambiguous loss being a daily part of grieving I live with. I had a special bond with my two grandchildren that haven’t seen for almost six years now. My daughter-in-law has admitted she felt she was in competition with me when we went to therapy the first time, but she was not invested in repair. The positive part is that I do have more clarity now and I am living my life in the most positive way I can under this life circumstance.
I hate the word “boundries”- they are all setting boundries for their parents. Wish we could sue those therapists who do not support reconciliation, but advise on setting “boundries!”
Excellent advice. My situation is that I have a son and two daughters. My daughters have been estranged from me for many years, after their father convinced them that I was a horrible, toxic human being and I was destroying them. He blamed me and told people his sob story about how I threw him out and ruined all their lives. (As if nobody noticed I was the fourth wife to do so)! Anyway, my son is the only one I really have any kind of relationship with but it’s so hard to hear about what his sisters are doing, the grandkids I’ve never been allowed to see, extended family on his father’s side. It does feel like everyone deserted me. He doesn’t understand that. He’s just trying to keep the peace and not allow strife into his life. The best I’ve got to offer, and although it’s very painful and difficult, is to stay focused on the present. Cannot go back and fix the past and the future is just that, the future. Forget the “ what could’ve been, what SHOULD have been, and what should be”. Hugs to all
Bianca,
All three of my children were alienated from me by their father and my mother working in unison to accomplish it. It took six years for one child to return, I had a health crisis and she made the decision to want to have a relationship with me. I am very thankful and grateful to God for having one child see the truth and return.
My other two children made the choice to stay alienated. I purposely do not ask my daughter any questions regarding her siblings. I do not want her in the middle, it is not her responsibility to deal with my pain over the rejection of my other two children, nor is it her responsibility to heal it. I want her to have a relationship with her siblings. One day, my ex and I, will not be on this earth and they will only have each other. I want their sibling relationships to last their entire lifespan.
My mother is a covert narcissist and destroyed my relationship with my siblings from the day I was born. They are unable to see who she truly is, nor are they willing to try to heal our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, it took until after my divorce and almost dying that I was finally able to see what I was dealing with in my life. I was in my late 50’s. So, I made a good amount of mistakes on my end with my siblings.
I give this information because I did not want to do to my children what my mother has done to myself and my siblings.
I do not ask my daughter any questions about her siblings. I allow her to talk freely and there are times she will mention something one of them is doing. I don’t push for more information, I take what she says, hide the pain that they choose to not share their life with me, and continue on with our conversation. Is it hard? Absolutely. Finding out my one alienated child was with my daughter when I shattered my hip and said, “it’s not a big deal” devastated me. To realize and have to accept and understand I’m hated by that child is a tough pill to swallow. Interestingly, that was a huge turn around in my thinking and when the crying stopped. I’m thinking it’s because I had frozen water thrown in my face that hope was gone in there being a reconciliation.
Honestly, can I say that my relationship with my one child is absolutely healed? No, I can’t. I live with the reality, at any point, she can choose to walk away again. We’ve done a lot of work towards healing, yet total trust and being able to say “my child would never do that to me” is not going to happen.
Do I understand the feeling of my children siding with the parties who have intentionally worked to destroy my relationship with my children? Yes. It’s painful and especially frustrating when a subject can be broached and she is unable to empathize with the feelings of betrayal, pain or abuse I’ve experienced. Especially as I watch her give empathy to others that she does not even know, not their name, not their lifestyle, zilch. Yet, not for what I have been through.
Instead, I focus on being grateful that she has returned and chosen to have a relationship with me. We talk about many things and I stay cognizant of what I am allowed to say and not. I also try to think back to when I was her age and my beliefs at that time, along with the fact that she doesn’t have as many decades of life under her belt compared to me.
Your daughter needs to maintain her relationship with her brother, one day her parents will not be here and she will only have her sibling. You are allowed to tell her it is too raw and painful, at this time, to hear about his life and can the subject be changed.
All of your feelings are absolutely valid, painful and normal. Especially if it is in the early years of rejection. As Sherri suggested, confide in a friend (or therapist) to talk it through and keep from pressuring your daughter on choosing, you will unknowingly push her away and hurt your relationship with her.
Apologies for this being so long, I hope there is some info that can help.
Catherine
My estranged daughter has affected my relationship with a grandaughter I used to meet.My grandaughter has stopped answering my e mails and I think my daughter has said something to her about me.
I have been seeing a councillor for a number of years regarding estrangement from my daughter & she explained that involving another adult child in the situation is ‘triangulation’ which she strongly discourages, because the relationship between siblings is their own & should be respected.
While it’s understandable for a parent to need support, ideally that should come from a trained professional rather than from family or close friends who may feel compromised, which made sense to me.
My semi-estranged son is still in touch with my estranged son and family members who created a smear campaign against me, along with others who intentionally or unintentionally allowed the smears to live on. It’s one big ugly mess. My sons were used as pawns as children but don’t understand this. Keeping my life completely private from my semi-estranged son is crazy-making and increased the tension between us. He doesn’t get it, thinks he’s being neutral and caring and now shows his own toxic behaviours. I struggle with an impossible decision: Do I continue this risky relationship? How does someone cope with losing her children and entire family? No one should have to face this decision. There are no friends to support as they happily greet new grandchildren. My heart aches wishing I’d known what was really going on in the background 30 years ago. Here I thought I was a normal person living a normal life. Ha! Don’t underestimate the destructive power of a secret smear campaign. What would you do?
Hi Sharon. I completely empathise with you. I am in the same boat. Our brains are totally not wired that way so how could we have known this insidious behaviour was going on. My family of origin and my ex contributed to my alienation. And yes it hurts to the core when we see other loving supportive families show up for each other. It hurts a hell of a lot more when we see our own children repeating toxic behaviour. I’m 62 and am totally estranged from my eldest daughter for 7 years and have now been ostracised from the family system including her 3 siblings, albeit I do have contact with them individually, but as many here can relate it totally affects the quality of the relationship. Whilst my toxic ex who was never there for them is hailed the hero. I am going through the stages of grief, it’s as if they died. Who would have thought that we would need to start a new life in our retirement years.. I am thinking of doing the Camino trail to try and bring some clarity and meaning back into my life, as I sure can’t work out the answers on my own. Many people do it after major life transitions. Sending hugs.
Our ED, to her credit, has not shared her complaints about us, with her brother and his family. On the one hand, I give her credit for that; however, it puts them into a very pickle of a position.
We, also, have not shared all the details with our son and his family, but they know the nuts and bolts of it.
I actually have mixed feelings about it, but I don’t want our son and his family (two children) to be without their aunt, who has been very generous and loving to all of them. That she can no longer be that way with us hurts every day.
Really interesting item Sherie, one that affects many of us rejected parents. I have two daughters , one estranged and one very much in my life. The one in my life is in contact with her sister. Although in some ways this pains me because I do not believe she understands for a moment the pain I am going through. Her contact with her sister does have some advantages though. We hear news of her and her family that we would never hear otherwise,
and more importantly news of our precious grand children. There are fores and against with this issue. Elaine
I so feel for you Bianca and such wise words Sheri. Our eldest daughter wanted nothing to do with our son when he estranged from us in a cruel and brutal way. His younger sister, however, who loved and looked up to him, stayed in contact with him and defended him to the hilt. We had some upsetting conversations as she thought that my husband and I who are always the fixers in the family, should put things right. In the end, we agreed not to discuss him, she had counselling to help to deal with her loss and we are still close. That has continued for 10 years and, over that time, she has seen that her brother doesn’t really bother about her and usually only gets in touch when he wants something. A few months ago, out of the blue, our ES got in touch, apologised and said that he wants us to get to know his daughter. We have taken tentative steps down that road and our youngest daughter has been supportive of us but also warned us to be careful. Our eldest daughter is still not ready to have a relationship with him and I totally understand that. One thing that this long and painful estrangement experience and Sheri’s books have taught me is that I will always love my ES but I recognise that he is capable of treating his family in a way that the rest of us wouldn’t dream of so I am proceeding with caution and leaving other family members to sort out their relationship with him if they so wish. I must say that after an enthusiastic start on his part, contact is already diminishing so my expectations are somewhere around the zero mark!
Sheri,
Thank you for this, and for all your work to help parents who are hurt by adult children who part ways. I’ve been following you for several years and have to say how much I love your new book (Healing Reflections)! The beautiful writing is so calming and the prompts really helped me open to MY truth in a healing way. My oldest (son) and youngest (daughter) are estranged. My second son stays in touch with both his estranged siblings. It was hard for me at first. With your help, I have learned to release the worry. Healing Reflections helped me to see the beauty in my life and understand what’s mine and what isn’t. I am refreshed by the “well” that’s been present. THANK YOU.
Rose P.
And I wanted to say that my sons have no contact with their sister. The oldest son has contact with his brothers. The youngest and oldest son are close. Family dynamics are unusual, at best. I feel for those just starting this journey.
I have four children. The oldest one has always stayed in contact with me. The youngest one is also very close to me. My middle children are another story. My daughter hasn’t had any contact with me since April of 2018. My other son, calls me when he needs money. At first, I helped him. I decided I don’t need to pay for love and he is 37. He educated, which I paid for and at some point he has to fledge. So I haven’t heard from him since last October.
I made my peace with all of this. My phone number is the same as it has been for over two decades. I love all my children. I don’t like their behavior. I hope they are all well, happy and healthy. And truthfully, I’m living my life to the fullest. I hope they are, too.
Warm Regards,
Ola
I encouraged my daughter in continuing her contact with my ED. If there is still a bridge to the family through even one member, I reasoned that perhaps one day my ED would cross it. Unfortunately, my other daughter was the one who crossed it, over to my ED’s side. She hasn’t blocked me, but she refuses to respond to me, and of course now I have no way to see my young grandchildren. It has been incredibly rough on this mother’s heart, but you all know how that is. So yes, it is a real possibility that the connected child could estrange, too. But I’d still do it again; at least they have each other to keep an eye on.