Ask Sheri McGregor: When one parent is favored by an otherwise estranged adult child
Question from “B.”
Hi Sheri,
Answer from Sheri McGregor:
Yes—there’s a section in my 2021 book, Beyond Done With The Crying, that specifically addresses this: When one parent is still in touch and the other isn’t. In the book, I call the parent in touch the “in” parent, and the one who isn’t the “out” parent. You’ll find several examples of couples who’ve chosen how to handle this painful imbalance. That section may offer some clarity and comfort. Of course, situations are unique, and I couldn’t cover every nuance that might be taking place in every marriage where there’s tension with a prickly adult child, but I think you’ll find that part helpful. Joining the membership might also be helpful, because complexities like this one come up for intelligent discussion often. Here, let me address a few more thoughts.
In my opinion, one of the greatest risks in these situations is when couples stop sharing their feelings. It can feel protective in the short term, but over time, that silence can drive a wedge between the two of you. You were a couple before the chasm ripped open by your adult child, and you will be a couple if the chasm further deepens. Just because one parent has “feelings” doesn’t mean the other one has to stop taking calls. Those decisions must be negotiated between marriage partners, but that’s a key term in marriage: Negotiate.
If spouses are hiding from the other, it’s possible that all that eggshell walking about the other’s feelings could create a chasm in the marriage itself–perhaps especially when nerves are already frayed over the adult child’s behavior. Children, even adult ones, can learn how to “play” their parents and create division between them. Realistically, that may be one of the “feelings” that comes up for the parent who is the one in the “out” position with the adult child–a fear that the child is creating division, talking behind their back to their spouse, etc.
Consider that fear—that the adult child is attempting to drive a wedge or talking behind the “out” parent’s back—as an example. Is it helpful to bottle those worries up? Silence prompts further isolation and can deepen fear. A calm, sensible discussion might dispel it. Even if the fear turns out to be unfounded, talking it through invites connection.
And if the fear is based in past disloyalty or troubling behavior, that’s even more reason to talk. A discussion can strengthen your bond, and help you heal together.
You mention keeping a lifeline open with the adult child. Many parents will relate to that, and I’m not suggesting you close the door. That is something for the two of you to decide—if that decision is ever made. However, it’s my opinion that the lifeline between parents requires tending as well. Does hiding feelings and tiptoeing around one another strengthen or weaken that bond? Or does it cause division (which, in some cases, is the adult child’s intention).
Navigating this kind of divide is painful but could potentially open doors to more emotional intimacy and connection.
Hugs to you, B.
Sheri McGregor
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13 thoughts on “Ask Sheri McGregor: When one parent is favored by an otherwise estranged adult child”
I am so glad I came across this blog and website as I am very much hurting right now. The cause of my current pain is the way my adult daughter treats me and especially how she treated me yesterday after a long exhausting day of having a yard sale. She resented being asked to come help with the yard sale. Her father asked her to help. If I had asked her, she would have made an excuse. As it was, she did so reluctantly and showed up 2 hours later so she wasn’t available to help set up. My husband’s brother died in May and we were left with clearing out his apartment and all of his stuff. My daughter is an ICU nurse and has always been “Daddy’s Girl” but in the more recent years, she has avoided coming home and when she calls every few weeks, it is on her way home from work in the car. Most of her communication is with her dad as she knows I go to bed early. She rarely replies if I send her a text and never responds to my emails. She says she’s too busy with her job. The truth is, she has plenty of time for her friends, taking care of her 2 dogs and a cat, taking trips, giving her friends elaborate manicures, and moving into her new townhouse after announcing she is divorcing her husband of 7 years. My daughter will be 31 next month and after she finished college (where she was a star gymnast and academic scholar), she went to nursing school and immediately got a job when she finished. Once she went off to college as a freshman, she seldom came home for a visit and when she calls or texts, it’s always with her dad. He admits that he spoiled her rotten and always gave her whatever she wanted. She is not our only child. Before my daughter was adopted, we gave birth to a son who was diagnosed with autism when he was 3. Our daughter came alone a couple years later. She was an adorable, sweet, happy, and helpful child but once she got to middle school, she connected with older girls who were on her gymnastics team. She spent all her time with them and rarely had time to spend with her brother or to help out at home. She stayed late for gym practice and ate dinner with her dad at 9 pm before doing homework. She was never around to do any household chores and when I would ask her to, her dad would intervene. She also has grown up seeing her father always second guessing anything I say. He has this habit and claims he doesn’t do that and is unaware of such behavior. She learned to mimic this behavior and rarely shows me any personal connection. She never asks how my day was and only gives me information if I ask her a direct question. I will hear from one of my friends who is the mother of one of my daughter’s besties all about a trip that the girls took – and I never knew about. After packing things up for the yard sale at the end of the day yesterday, I went to give my daughter a hug to thank her for coming (although all she did was sit around until her dad had her help pack some things up). She yelled at me “GET OFF ME! You’re getting slime all over my top” and she pushed me away. I told her there was no way I got slime on her. She replied that “Every day in my job I’m cleaning up slime and poop and I don’t need you to get slime on me too.” She is an ICU nurse so I know she has to do a lot of patient care but I was angry and yelled back “For 15 years I took care of my mother (who had dementia) and I had to clean her up everyday. I did that for my mother, and I never complained and never treated her like you just treated me.” I was so mad I went upstairs to cool down my temper. It’s true that when I turned 40 and my mother turned 79, until my mother passed away at age 92 I was taking care of her. She moved into our home until we had to move her to a nursing home. I used to take my daughter to visit my mother and she would see me give my mother a manicure. Now my daughter’s nails are always perfect, but she has never once offered to give me a manicure. I tried to balance the amount of time I gave to mother and both of my children. Now, my daughter never asks about her brother, and when she talks to her dad, I know she never asks him how her brother is doing or how I am doing. I know I can never fix this relationship but now I have so much pain in my heart because I worry about what is going to happen to my son (now age 35) when I can no longer take care of him. I doubt my daughter will want to be “burdened” with what to do with her brother. As an ICU nurse, she has grown emotionally unattached which I understand can be a necessity under such conditions. Her father and I (as well as her in-laws) were very surprised and disappointed when she announced she was divorcing her husband, who is also a Korean adoptee and has great parents. Her personality has had a total makeover and not one that I like. She is now covered with tatoos, which she knows her dad and I both hate. There are no answers but I am glad to find this website to unload my thoughts. I can’t wait to read both books!
My Estranged child favored father and sister over me for 2 estrangements before returning to family. My adult child has diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. With counseling my spouse and I were able to work on the United Front of our marriage. The older sibling apologized for believing the Estranged lies about us. Finally the Estranged eliminated us. Dropped being Aunt and refused to allow contact with Estranged daughter.
Estranged also move to same state as my widowed parent and my parent never told me. I believe my parent had BPD too. While I am emailing and sending photos of family, my parent is lying by omission.
It is very painful.
My estranged (for 5 years) children have continued to maintain a relationship with my ex-husband to whom I’ve been divorced for many years. In Sheri’s workbook when she asks “what’s the word that describes how you feel?”, it’s betrayal. First from my ex who was having a long term affair (he married her), and then betrayal again from my two children (now ages 28 and 30). I am happily remarried and gone on with my life, but there will always be a deep seated feeling of betrayal. I just try very hard to keep those negative feelings/thoughts away and focus on the life I have in front of me. It’s very hard, but you can do it!!!
In our case our daughter has a relationship with me but not her father. Since childhood she has suffered from several emotional problems and then in adulthood had a serious medical illness which she is still coping with and which has limited her ability to continue working in the profession she trained for. She is married with no children and has almost no social life except with her husband. He is extremely kind but they struggle financially as he does not earn a lot.
Though my husband has apologized to her for many mistakes he made in the past, she does not want to see him as she says it triggers a lot of stress. She is not in good shape and is trying to keep her life as stress free as possible. Her father has accepted this. I see her once or twice a week as she needs a lot of support.
I’m sure many would disagree with our decision to accept her estrangement with her father and for me to continue to visit and support her. I do believe she is overreacting. But we don’t want to cut her off completely when she is in such a bad situation medically and financially. And I don’t want to cut her off because I can enjoy my time with her and her husband and bring some comfort to her. I hate this cutting off of my husband, but we’re dealing with it as best we can. It hasn’t hurt our relationship except that we’re sad we can’t see her together.
After 46 years of an empty marriage, I have filed for divorce. While my YS has stated to his father’s face, he is a liar, narcissist, and impossible to get along with, (which he is) he still maintains a relationship with him and invites him to all the important occasions of our 2 small grandchildren. His father relishes in my estrangement. My son says he holds me to a higher standard than his father. Go figure. Throughout the lives of our children, their father was never there. Just me, always holding down the fort. I’m done with all of them. Feeling stronger every passing day and I should have made this move decades ago.
I went through this with my oldest son when he began dating a young woman who was financially desperate (they’re now married). She was getting coached by her parents who encouraged her to declare war on me and create a close allegiance with my ex-husband ( who was wealthy). Her parents also did the same. It was a very painful time, but fortunately I have other children who I have a great relationship with. Sherie’s work and this website were also incredibly helpful. My ex re-married – also to a gold-digger, who encouraged him to cut ties with our children which he refused to do, although it did cause a strain with her constant
disparagement of her stepkids.
Fast forward 10 years: my ex dies under suspicious circumstances ( 2nd wife was a nurse until she was disbarred for stealing drugs), a phoney unnotarized will is presented by her that disinherits my children. The person who is the most in shock? My son’s wife. She spent a decade sowing trouble and drama, while preparing for a fortune and she got zero. I still chuckle sometimes at the irony.
Our daughter (mine biologically and his as a step-father in every way for over 40 years) stopped our close relationship at election 2024 time. The results were so “devastating” she couldn’t talk to me about our favorite basketball team! In the months since, she has called me once, 215 days since the last call on Oct. 31. But she has sent a number of messages, all filled with allegations of one sort or another, none with details. She has set as one of her boundaries, no talking with or about anything having to do with her dad. This man who took on a ready made family and has done it without reservation. She told me that she doesn’t expect me to change my relationship with him (that’s a good thing) but I don’t know how to begin a conversation, if I were to initiate one, without including him in some way. Actually there’s nothing to talk about because of the actual herd of elephants in the room. I take a daily assessment of my own mental health strength, and then decide if I want to make contact, or if I still have nothing to say. I think she is feeling the pain of not talking, but the ball is still in her court and she’s going to have to agree to address the elephants.
My estranged daughter targets me, not her father.
I believe that while the culture in our home was less than perfect, it was set by both of us. His inability to see that is part of the original problem. He will not work through the situation with me, discuss the situation, or comfort me in any way. His “support” is his presence, in his mind.
I struggle in this marriage.
One of our other children is very much here for me. The third is an enigma.
I feel conflicted and very sad. I search for hope and peace.
I wish my kids had other parents and I was never a mother.
Thank you Sheri for the message.
Sadly, Dad and I don’t communicate hardly ever. And when we used to, he reaches out to berate me about why I can’t pay for a $65,000 a year college tuition for the youngest daughter. Who incidentally is estranged from me currently since 2022 her senior year HS. I offered to pay what I could – Mind you , since I am only one person income and he is remarried (2 incomes) the step mom “swooped” in to help pay. But this only seemed to make estrangement worse. As my concern of financial burden of tuition was discarded. There was more enabling at their house.
Hey Sheri,
I know a man in this position, it’s taking it’s toll on his 40 yrs of marriage, specifically him. Trust is an issue, to much to fill in here. he doesn’t share his feelings, less said the better were his words, but things always come up to the surface. Six adult siblings, one estranged but the closest sibling followed them soon after, so two. You can imagine the amount of family activity, all year round. His family is well liked by all his children’s friends who visited, coming to parties staying over from college and Uni mates too.
Some of them still visit now in their 30’s.
They were a very close knit family. All 6 married now with great partners & grandkids a plenty. His wife is well loved having a great relationship with all 6 six adults couples . He has a good loving relationship with his 4 adult children and thier families. Family functions he doesn’t attend unless required, he said it’s not easy to cope with on a regular basis. He feels he’s lost much of the joy of life, but feels greatfull for his relationships with his four adult children’s families. It’s always the Elephant in the room.
He said, they went no contact three years ago.
It was an unexpected shock to both parents. He feels there is still love, but his estranged children just don’t know the way back.
Something he thinks about everyday.
He wants to thank you for your insight and time spent in research. He has both books and he appreciates your sentiments and careful writing style. He’s always felt a helping hand in your words. He prays God’s Blessings to you and your work Sheri.
A very interesting letter Sherie, It would be a tragedy if division is caused between the couple added to the tragedy of estrangement. Our daughter would have remained somewhat in contact with her father over the years of her estrangement but he has made it plain to her that we go together as a couple. She has contact with us both or neither of us. He would feel very uncomfortable and disloyal to be otherwise.
This is his choice without any pressure from me. We are fortunate to have another daughter whom we have a great relationship with and who is in touch with her sister. As a result of this we do hear news of the estranged one, which is far better than not hearing news for years as as many of you dear parents out there are suffering.
We all have differant ways of dealing with this modern but painful situation. Elaine
I agree that it should be both parents or no one. This situation is far too common than it should be.