Ask Sheri McGregor: Why do I feel so numb?
Ask Sheri McGregor: Why am I feeling numb after estrangement?
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Question from Brad:
Father of two estranged adult children, Brad, wrote in with a question many parents have. Brad writes:
“It’s been over a year since my kids cut off contact. At first, I cried a lot and couldn’t sleep. Then I had a period where I felt a lot of anger. Now, I feel almost nothing. I go through the motions of my life on autopilot. Friends ask how I’m doing and I say I’m doing fine. I guess that’s true, but it doesn’t feel true. It worries me that I don’t feel more. Am I becoming cold? Is something wrong with me? Will I ever feel like the old me again?”
Answer from Sheri McGregor:
Dear Brad,
Thank you for your note. I’m sorry you’re troubled—and I want you to know that you’re describing something I hear from many parents after estrangement. By no means does feeling numb after estrangement mean you’re coldhearted, uncaring, or broken. Feeling numb is indicative of the fact that you’ve been under emotional strain for a long time and your system has shifted into a protective mode.
When loss or stress overwhelms us, the nervous system sometimes pulls back from typical feeling as a way to give us a break. That can mean you look (or feel) emotionally flat or, as you so eloquently put it, seem like you’re moving through the day on “autopilot.” Staying busy and composed helps because it protects you from touching upon what hurts.
You’ve been through a lot. You’re like a lot of parents who have been through the wringer both before and after estrangement. Numbness allows a little breather to catch your breath. The more I learn about being human and how our bodies and minds work together, the more amazed I am at our innate ability to heal—and feeling numb can be part of that.
It’s also important to say here that although numbness isn’t the same thing as depression, the symptoms of clinical depression can include similar emotional blunting. It can be helpful to check in with a professional to get some support and perspective. Often, though, feeling a sense of numbness after estrangement is temporary, a state of self-protection that can be a part of recovering after emotional upheaval.
Rather than negatively judging yourself or trying to force yourself to feel more, I’d invite you to consider yourself with self-compassion and gentle curiosity. Reflect on these questions:
- What might this numbness have helped you get through?
- What feels safer about not feeling everything right now?
Over time, many parents find that more depth of feeling returns in moments of tenderness, sadness, or even unexpected amusement. You may kind of wake up a few weeks or months from now and realize the shift back to feeling was so gradual you hardly noticed.
And if your numbness feels heavy, unchanging, or accompanied by hopelessness or withdrawal from daily life, don’t hesitate to consult our doctor or clinician. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
What you’re experiencing is human and—if you think like I do—an amazing adaptation to an emotionally complex, ongoing situation.
I hope this helps—and that soon you’re feeling more engaged.
Big hugs to you,
Sheri McGregor
Related:
Fortitude doesn’t mean “going it alone”
Does healing from estrangement mean you’re cold-hearted?
Parents: You’ve earned a break
Don't go through this all alone.
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20 thoughts on “Ask Sheri McGregor: Why do I feel so numb?”
Someone here wrote it is a living grief……..it’s complicated and overwhelming. I know every parent here loved their child (and still does) in spite of how they have now been treated. I am not numb as much as feeling this living grief off and on. The busier I am the better. When the lights go out at night……..my thoughts go to my son. Where is he and LORD please keep your hand upon him. I have to give him up to GOD in order to cope. But I wonder: does he even think of us at all? All of this is just so terribly sad in our world today. Thank you Sheri for your comforting words. We all need this.
Why do I feel so numb? Because I feel like I can’t do this anymore. Sometime this year I’m going to write our daughter a letter. A letter in which I outline exactly what happened during an incident that occurred when she was three years old. An incident that in her psychotic mind became an abusive situation. But it wasn’t. I was there, and I remember all of it. I know these conversations should be face to face, but if she’s unwilling, how long do we wait? If she deletes my only connection with her, which is FB, so be it. I just can’t do this anymore. On far too many days I’m sad and crying . . . and my husband and I need to move on.
My daughter left the family 20 years ago. As I read other parent’s experiences with their situation, I realize that, despite my situation, I am fortunate in that when she walked out of our house one Sunday, that was the end of our contact with her. I feel for those Moms whose kids keep reopening the wounded hearts of their parents, and pouring salt into that wound. We have not had to suffer that pain. She is a stranger to me now, and I seldom think of her anymore. Margaret S.
It has been a year and nine months for me. I can now listen (dry eyed for the most part) to some songs that used to send me into deep heartache and full-blown crying. It is like I have developed some kind of protection within myself.
I hope I will get to a point where I have this protection within myself regarding other triggers.
Just hearing a train in the distance or thinking of the train station sets me off. I used to take my now ES to watch and hear the noon train rumble into the station after picking him up from preschool. There was also a street where we would pull over and roll down the car windows so he could hear the trains better.
Can he even remember all the things I tried to make special for him?
Thank you Sheri and everyone for sharing – it means a lot to me.
Yes…I am numb too. Most days I function and enjoy life but theres a part of me now thats broken. Im hoping with time the broken parts will heal but after probably 5 years of on/off abuse both privately and on social media the results have been major.
I hope one day they realise what theyve done.
Better days ahead and we are moving on with other family and friends that value and love us.
Reading this article about being numb, numb is something I think I’ve reached and never left . 8 years since my 3 kids went no contact and a few months ago my middle son reached out I spent my first Christmas in 8 years with someone other then myself I was called grandma it was something I had dreamed about then in the blink of an eye it’s gone again because my ex and his wife have a problem with me being involved . Out of my control just gone so numb is where I wish to stay because numb is better then this !!! I don’t know that I can do this again ! All the pain the loss all of it! I am again back to not leaving the house in so many days I don’t even know what day it is. It’s all gone again and I wish I would’ve just stayed numb!
Very necessary and well stated article. Thank you!
I might add that for me, after 25 years of struggles, demands, manipulations, and lies (and twisted perceptions), my adult child (40) ghosted me last year. The relief I felt stunned me. My heart has been shattered over and over again. There was always a new way to hurt me. But after her last ghost, my hair started growing again, my anxiety is virtually gone, I’ve started to do things for myself and I’m finding the old me, who I really loved. I lost my fear of losing her, and I lost my fear of angering her, my fear of her attempts to guilt me about things she can’t name… I should just feel guilty… I no longer have those fears. I feel strong and my perception is clear. After decades of struggling with walking on eggshells, I just know that I’m not going to let that happen again. I have missed this peace. I have gratitude for the life I have… and I never thought I’d feel that again.
Thank you… numb is scary because I don’t want to become a bitter old
Woman. Thank you… another step in this journey… this too shall pass.
I am not estranged from my child. But I do pay a lot emotionally to have a relationship. Lately I had the opportunity to connect with a friend/ Christian brother and his family I grew up with. I can’t tell you what a blessing it has been for me. I would encourage Brad to reconnect with friends and families you have good memories of . Especially childhood friends. It has helped me tremendously. Wishing you all the very best and God’s blessings.
That post has exactly been me for the last 8 months… lately I have longer periods ok “okayness” where I might smile or quickly
Laugh at something…thing I return to neutral. Sometimes I suddenly burst into tears…and then quickly stop as I have solid coping practices in place. But I do feel… and worry sometimes I’ll be like this forever.
I’m tired of the emotional rollercoaster. I can’t fight a ghost person. I’ve accepted my flaws as a parent but I was nowhere near the person they said I was. By their own admission but then taken off the table. I’m not nor have I been that person and they are estranged. There’s nothing to feel after a decade with the both of them. Last year I was an emotional wreck. I think it comes and goes in waves.
What a great answer, Sheri. This helps a lot of us out here! Thank you.
I’ve developed numbness towards my estranged child after so mny years – had to so I could survive. The treatment I’ve received from her for years shows her true feelings. My love never ends and that and prayers can be sent from a distance.
I felt this numbness too and it worried me. Am I losing my feelings? Am I losing my love for my estranged son? Do I even care anymore? At the time I was seeing a therapist to help me through the estrangement and I told her the numb feeling scared me. She said the fact that I was concerned showed that my emotions were normal and natural, and this was my mind’s way of protecting me. With time, and focusing more on my own happiness and the good family who is in my life, it has gotten better.
I am not estranged from my son anymore. I almost miss being estranged because now I am facing drama that I do not know how to handle. I am helping him get 3 kids back to their own family members. They were abandoned to his house against his wishes. His girlfriend took them after he told her not to. Now he is sick and can’t afford any of them. Not able to work a full week and needing to go on disability. He is the sole support and the only money coming in and his house will be foreclosed on. These kids have destroyed his house, and everything is dirty and broken. I called CPS and they will not make them go back to their mother and her problems make their decision understandable. She knows I reported her and is angry. Because she is an arsonist I have to worry. She sets fires when angry. His girlfriend who brought those kids in should fix this but refuses to. I think being estranged made me stronger because they want me to house them and I will not. They set boundaries with me, and I want those boundaries kept. If he were to come by himself, I would always welcome him, but I refuse to let dangerous people near me. I do not know how he even got this person he is with. All I know is he bought his house from a realtor and it was previously owned by drug dealers. The realtors kicked out the drug dealers, but they came back again and he had them removed. He never told me how this woman got into his life, but I know she came with the house. She had a baby very soon after she appeared and he loves the baby. This girlfriend that came with the house was arrested in 2023 for selling fentanyl and her sister who is the one that abandoned her 3 kids was arrested last summer for selling drugs and there were guns involved. Moral of this mess I am facing is ~ be careful what you wish for.
What a wonderful, calming response Sheri.
Thank you so much for being here for us all.
I really needed to read this! My children accused me of being a narcissist and gas lighter based on information they got on social media. Their accusations and estrangement totally blind-sided me. We’ve had our hurdles to overcome like many of us, but all in all, I thought we had a very good relationship. Even after 5 1/2 years of estrangement I still feel numb…..I have yet to go through the “anger” stage…….I am still just numb, bewildered and blindsided. I actually wondered that since I had this numb feeling that perhaps I was a narcissist and gas-lighter. My husband, sister, niece, nephew & a handful of friends who are aware of these accusations totally disagree, but it is still very comforting to have an outsiders voice…….THANK YOU!
I experience the 4+ years of estrangement from my son and daughter much like grief…initially it felt nearly all encompassing and then with time (and much self-work) those feelings began to ebb and flow. And these days I have long stretches of not thinking about them/my hurt. Something little might trip a memory; a dream will find me back in time with one or both of them; holidays can feel tough, BUT my thoughts and heart enjoy so much more freedom now! What a relief that I have found peace around what I think of as “living grief.”
I love your articles. Please keep writing them. I feel numb as well so I could definitely relate to this article.
After 9 years I feel numb. I think it’s a psychological protection. If I was distraught every day it would be destructive. I say frankly I don’t know what I feel.