Ask Sheri McGregor: Why does my estranged daughter let me see . . . ?
Why does she still …?
I frequently receive emails from parents asking me why I think their estranged adult daughter or son still allows them access via social media, texts and occasional photo, or in some other way gives the parent a window into their life. It’s not always clear, and there could be many reasons. Here’s one recent exchange with a father that captures that uncertainty … and leads this dad back to the self-esteem of at least one strength in his parenting (I’m sure there are many more!). After the exchange, I’ve listed a few questions to help you do the same.
Question from Kevin T. after receiving one of my newsletters:
Hi Sheri,
As always, I appreciate your updates. I’ve written to you before and I have one question. My estranged daughter is now over 30, but when she was in school, I set up and monitored her bank account. She knows I can still see where she spends her money and I’m glad to know my money talks worked. She’s very responsible and that’s comforting.
Why do you think she still allows me to watch her money transactions? Can this be a positive sign that someday the estrangement might end? I know you don’t have a crystal ball, but I continue to pray.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Reply from Sheri McGregor:
Dear Kevin,
It could be almost anything. Does she even think about it? Is she busy and just forgets? It’s possible she wants to keep the door open. This could be from a selfish motive that’s as yet unknown. Or your thought could be right, and she plans to return to you.
I suggest you limit time spent looking at her transactions. Less is more for your own well-being.
And …. I hear a good father in your words. She has a dad with money sense and shared it in “money talks!” I hope she realizes how fortunate she is … and I’m really glad she is responsible. You’re right. That’s a big comfort in this expensive, crazy world.
You said you pray. See if you can leave it with Him. I hope that comes across as intended in kindness.
Hugs to you, Kevin.
Sheri McGregor
Kevin’s reply:
Thank you Sheri – I am a good father and this destroys me daily. I’ll never give up and I’ll always leave it in God’s hands. You brought me to tears, but I needed that – Hugs back to you !
Kevin T.
What about you?
Kevin instilled in his daughter the value of money and how to use it sensibly as a tool. We all make mistakes but in this era when blaming parents is so prevalent, it’s important to remember the good you did (you’ll find an expansive exercise to do so in Done With The Crying).
- At what parts of parenting did you excel? (Base this on your values.)
- Did you support/encourage your child in ways that continue to help that person in his/her adult life? What? How?
- In what way can you take comfort in this knowledge?
- Kevin says the situation “destroys” him daily. Our perspectives change over time but you can probably relate to this from the early daze of estrangement. How much does your situation affect you now? Are you improving? (It’s good to get a measure on your progress.)
- Kevin turns to prayer to uplift him from his sadness. What is your go-to for rising above the emotional fallout?
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12 thoughts on “Ask Sheri McGregor: Why does my estranged daughter let me see . . . ?”
It is still new. Things became difficult a year before the no-contact request last April. Looking back, all the signs were there. I can’t help but obsessively think back to how I could have reacted differently to avoid this. The pain is constant as you know. She removed me as her “mother” from Facebook, of which she is not active. But did not block me from her FB, or Instagram account, of which she is VERY active. I have been checking in on her weekly via instagram, but am starting to doubt this is helpful to me in anyway. It does not make me feel closer, or better. It will be difficult to not see her at all, but perhaps viewing a prepared instagram post for the masses is worse.
Thank you so much for your email, Sheri, and I’m really sorry to hear of your sadness, Kevin. You sound like the perfect parent to me, and you definitely don’t deserve the treatment that you’re receiving from your daughter. My daughter was estranged 6 years ago. She didn’t have children, which contributed to her unhappiness, but at least I don’t have the torture of being denied contact with my grandchildren. I’m disabled, in a wheelchair, and in very poor health. My daughter takes no interest in this, of course. My 2nd husband is my full time carer, and copes really well, although it’s very hard on him, inevitably. I’m trying to put myself first, for all our sakes, and concentrate on my physical and mental health, and quality of life. Thinking of all of you, and wishing you well.
I don’t post anything, that’s just not how I work.
I continue heartbroken and desperately sad.
But when I see your email, newsletter, roll into my box, I get some comfort. Thank you Sheri.
How do you overcome the forced separation from the grandchildren? What were they told? That we are dead? I can accept the estrangement from my daughter but I was so close with the oldest grandson.
My thought is to have contact with him when he turns 18 outside of his mother’s home. Will this be wrong? He is 14 now, so 4 more years to wait.
Our daughter divorced us over ten years ago when she divorced her husband (without telling us – we regained contact with him later and our heart breaks for him too) We had always loved and supported her putting her through university, buying her first car, paying off substantial debts etc. She send us several nasty emails and then cut off all contact as well as apparently blackening our name with other close family members including our son. Thankfully over time our son seems to have realised that the bad things we were supposed to have done were untrue and we have a good relationship with him now. The hurt was beyond description but it has scarred over to an extent that has allowed us to continue with our lives with a semblance of normality.
Two years ago out of the blue she texted me to say she was having a baby with her new partner but that she didn’t want us to have any contact although she “wasn’t shunning us.“
I have tried to make countless loving overtures when I have been allowed, all ignored or rejected. Now a second baby is in the way and we are apparently allowed to meet him/her some time after she has recovered from the delivery. We feel sure from the last two meetings with her and her partner and toddler on neutral ground that she will be as distant as ever and we will be left with the sour taste again. It’s strange to be punished cruelly by the child you have brought into the world and cherished for over twenty years. It is our sad reality though. It hasn’t been just a horrible bad dream. It is heartbreaking to read all the letters from other rejected parents and I just hope that one day our grown up children will come to their senses. But if and when that happens I can’t imagine the deep guilt and shame they would have to feel considering the devastation their ungrateful and unnatural behaviour has wrought on those who love them most and to whom they owe their very lives! Apparently hope springs eternal though. How unnecessary it all is and what a difference a kind look and word can make at no cost to the bestower.
This may be of help to some abandoned parents-I did read your book.
Our daughter developed Borderline Personality Disorder after a breakdown and suicide attempts in college (we spent 10 years helping her to stabilize) and then abandoned us for the last 8, after accusing us of unspeakable things. We were miserable for some time-then one day, we just got very tired of being miserable.
We are older, and don’t have much time left, and didn’t want to waste any more time on a child who is seeks to hurt us, and blame all that happened to us.
We wish her health, joy, and peace-but my husband says, “why should we beg to spend time to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with us?”
It wasn’t easy, but we moved on, and have many friends-including young people our daughter’s age, who say we are kind and caring.
Life is short. This was her decision.
Expect nothing from these delicate flowers–your absent children. They’re fearful people at heart. Afraid that if they give too much then more will be expected of them. Cheerful indifference and keeping your distance in their lives seems to work. They probably feel threatened by our needs of closeness and friendship. Without expectations some can come to life briefly, but most likely will soon dive back into a protective shell. Learn not to take it personally–it’s them, not you.
We do not access any of our estranged children’s social media or otherwise. Our choice . . . why torture ourselves! They chose to treat us poorly and mentally abuse us. Why would we do them the honour of looking in on their lives.
Like many mothers estranged from their son, I haven’t seen mine in 5+ years. Suddenly, he’s emailing me several times over the last year with photos of he & his wife (not invited to wedding) who I don’t know much about, their pets & address.
It’s very confusing and I don’t trust him as I’m protecting myself from further heartbreak. There’s no indication of invitation to visit plus if they are blessed with children I wouldn’t expect any part of seeing grandchildren ever
Still continue to be a gracious parent, extending love in as God would want me. It isn’t easy though.
Your books & workbook have been grand plus therapy. I’ve grown & changed so much without him in my life that in some ways I’d rather not be involved with this limited vague contact. It’s like a letter from a stranger anyway.
Do others parents feel the same range of emotions, too?
Sheri’s books and workbook really helped me too, Ree.
When my daughter wanted money she would always try to pretend the estrangement hadn’t happened; never an apology, just an increased frequency of emails, cards, texts—-and then got angry when I was slower to respond then she wanted, or didn’t immediately pull out the checkbook. Beware of the returner, who may not have changed but who may want something material from you.
You are so right, they are like letters from a stranger, and not a stranger who is particularly enjoyable to be around, certainly not a stranger I want to be in touch with. I don’t trust her an inch. I’m done now, but she jerked me around for years.
Be careful. Heartbreak can be repeated, and they don’t care a bit. Live a good and constructive life and honor the lost child you gave so much to. This new person? That’s someone else. Good luck!
Kevin’s letter helps me. Thank you for printing it.
Kevin,, My heart breaks for you,,, I too am in pain every day,,, i pray, journal, pray, cry,,, i put my Faith in Jesus,, hut I have many moments and setbacks,, but not without understanding from Him Who loves us and died for us,,, keep your head up and PRAY, WAIT, TRUST,, Im keeping you in thought and prayer,,, Stephanie