Beyond Done–Almost

Sheri McGregor new estrangement bookTwo and a half years later…I just finished organizing printed copies of research and double checking all the citations for my next book. It’s a follow up to the first. If you haven’t yet read Done With The Crying, I hope you will do that before getting the next (soon available!). HUGS to all on our continuing journey! ❤️

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13 thoughts on “Beyond Done–Almost

  1. Sophia

    They can’t tell us because they don’t know. They’re projecting a lot of their problems into the person closest to them. My own daughter has never been able to articulate her feelings to anyone.

    All you can do is let them know that you love them and that you will talk when ready. That may be a while. I think that our children have delayed development. And they’re influenced by social media that blames parents for everything.

    Hang in there and build a life you love. It’s not ideal but it’s the hand we’re dealt with. Hugs…

    Reply
  2. Teresa

    I’m new here. Do I start a new post or tag on here? My only child/daughter is 40. I’ve been divorced 18 years, her dad does not communicate with her and lives his own crazy life. I’ve done everything I can to be mom and dad and make up for his absence. I am grandma and grandpa too to my beautiful granddaughter. I am alone and what has happened in these 18 years is I don’t have a life. That part is my own fault and issue I know. But, my daughter keeps me on a slippery slope where I’m treated wonderful and called and invited over if there is some upcoming need for me like dog sitting when they go out of town. But as soon as I am not needed, BOOM no texts are answered, I’m yelled at on the phone until I’m in tears, my granddaughter can’t come over, etc.

    I’m in tears as I write this. It’s a recurring, merry go round of garbage that honestly has made me wish I was dead—not that I’d do that! But does anyone understand? It’ll never end! Because as soon as she finds a need for me again, I’ll be contacted and waved in lovingly again and I will be so relieved and excited I’ll be there for them.

    It’s abuse — it’s abuse. I know that. But to stop it leaves me with no one. Not a husband, few distant friends. No one. Yes, I’m a loner. So I allow this madness to continue.

    What do I do?

    Last week I took time off from work that I don’t have to spare to puppy sit for 4 days while they went on a trip. This weekend, I’m yelled at, texts ignored, and told to go away. I’m not estranged, but abused. If I put my foot down, I’ll be estranged.

    Is it better?

    Reply
    1. Kate

      Teresa,
      I’m sorry but yes, you are just being used & then abused afterwards!
      I have no family except for a 50 yr. old daughter & grandchild whom I haven’t seen or talked to in years—their choice, certainly not mine. Like you, I was special when she needed me to do something but just as soon as she felt like she didn’t need anything from me anymore, she dumped me (& more than once). But today there’s no way that I’d want to start over with her again. (The hardest part was realizing she hates me & I don’t even know why). Also, she’s told nasty lies about me most of her life & that’s hard to forget, too! So even if a miracle were to happen & she were to call me up–I would try to talk to her but NEVER would I trust or let her use me again, I’m done! If I hadn’t finally found Sheri’s forum here & read her first book on estrangement, I probably would still be crying & trying to hang on to someone who simply hates my guts.

    2. Elizabeth

      We here are all in situations we did not ask for, nor in many cases do we even know why it happened. And if it is because our child is controlled by their spouse…well, whomever is in charge holds all the power over the situation. I feel especially sorry for those with only one child. If you read past comments and articles by Sheri here, there will be MANY ideas for ways to enrich your life. We are only given this one life and only a certain amount of years. Try to figure out what you might want to be experiencing and maybe find at least some of that through various organizations…to do with hobbies, religion, or places that help others. It will no doubt take some time. Consider whether moving to a new location might be helpful. And somewhere along the line, decide what amount of contact you will allow under the circumstances. I finally have decided in all the situations of my life, that one reason some strange things have happened is that quite simply your children do not inherit all their genes and personalities from just you…not only from the other parent, but they may even turn out like a distant relative you never even met…and indeed may have a mental problem. I do believe there is a great deal of mental illness out there today and some of us are just plain magnets for those types of people. We all did our best in raising these ungrateful children, and whatever mistakes we made (as do all people) are not reversible. I think most of us understand that our parents were not perfect but we tried to love and honor them anyway…but today that does not seem to be so known by this generation, unfortunately. I am sending you hugs and encouragement to continue coming here. There is comfort and understanding to be had here!!
      Elizabeth

    3. Effie

      I understand… I am wondering if that is called love bombing? I think I can relate to just about every post as I now am the proud mother of 2 ouf 4 adult children that forgot the stay at home doting mom… and now I am the scapegoat. So very painful and yes I do understand…I wished for death at times too…

    4. Sophie

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re daughter sounds like she has some issues. These are not yours to fix. If you’re not seeing a caring therapist, I encourage you to. You should not feel like crap because your daughter abuses you. Set your boundaries and stick with them. When she yells, hang up. Start exploring your hobbies, interests, and have a separate life. She’s a grown up now and her choices are hers. My daughter is 28 and continues to ignore me without giving a reason. I suspect that she has personality issues. As much as I love her, I can’t fix her. But I have a life and you should, too! Hugs…

  3. Effie

    Wow that leaves a lot of room for judgement of others so thought I would elaborate … Long story short, she is very sweet and seems to have lots of power over her grown brother ( 15 years difference) and he encouraged her to not allow rules she thought was unfair when she went to him crying her junior year… dating in the middle of the week, being sneaky and being where she was not to be at times while getting bad grades.. She did not want any rules.. Now its 6 years later and she continues to hurt me through estrangement and keeps them all in the loop of her wonderful life two babies now , she rejects all offers to talk to me… it is the worst pain ever.. I remain quiet and try to trust the Lord as he sees it all. I was told by a therapist she may have a Personality Disorder.. how is that ever figured out? love and hugs to you all..

    Reply
  4. Maytime

    Debra, you’ve come to the right place for support with what you are going through and what you might go through in the future. Our son was 26 when he informed us that I was toxic and his father was a stranger to him. Sheri’s book made me look at the past and recognise that estrangement was a process that had started many years previously. I was the one to pull the plug on our relationship because I was could see that my husband and I had been used and abused and it had to stop. The ensuing 5 years have shown me that I made the correct decision. I have happy memories of the happy times but I can look the bad times straight in the eye and know what they were, total abuse of our love and trust. I won’t be going back there. Our son has only been in touch with us or with other family members when he wants something. Sadly for him, there’s no good will left.

    Reply
    1. Effie

      I am here as well… daughter… 6 years now and try’s to inflict pain … her siblings think its me… but I have stayed quiet… pain that never ends

    2. Effie

      Why won’t they tell us?? Good question to ask Sheri.. I would love to know that too. Sorry Debra your going through this it is so painful.. Elephant on the chest pain is how I describe my bad days… days I cope its just a mouse ! I read once that people can die from heartbreak.. I wondered if I would, the hurt is real pain.

    3. Sophia

      You don’t need to apologize. But you can send him an email telling him that you love him and will be available to talk when he’s ready. Keep it brief. He may be going through late stage individuation or can have personal issues.

      Find ways to have and enjoy your life. Hopefully, he’ll come back around. But you can’t put your life on hold for that.

      It’s very hard. Try to care for yourself. Hugs…

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