Two and a half years later…I just finished organizing printed copies of research and double checking all the citations for my next book. It’s a follow up to the first. If you haven’t yet read Done With The Crying, I hope you will do that before getting the next (soon available!). —UPDATE: Now available at some stores.
If you have read Done With The Crying, consider sharing how it helped you by leaving a comment here to help other parents know it could be worth their while.
HUGS to all on our continuing journey!
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Has anyone got suggestions for Sheri’s discussion in Done With The Crying about end of life planning? I am almost 80 yo, in good health, but my daughter informed my son 2 years ago that “caring for mom in her old age” was up to him and his wife and she is not going to be involved. That was right before she emailed me that she wanted no more communication with me. My son and DIL love me and are just furious at her for hurting me. My son is my Health POA. Any suggestions for how he might handle informing or not informing her if I have serious health issues or when I die? I can’t imagine them being in the same room and certainly not as I lie dying. He is looking for guidance and so am I. He and my DIL have not communicated with her since she dumped me. I’ve tried to help them see that I’m okay and moving on and they don’t have to be angry on my behalf, but he just says “what she did is unforgivable!” We don’t talk about it and he knows I’m doing pretty well finally, but we do need to have this End of Life planning discussion. We’ve had some of it already, just not this part. Any suggestions? Hugs to all of you. And especially to Sheri!
I got my book today. I have read several other books for estranged parents. Some of them had helpful parts. Writing an amends letter would be damaging to my soul because I was a good parent. I read the other books and thought something is missing, this expert doesn’t fit my situation. One day I found Done with the Crying. I was so grateful to find this book as it helped me work on my own healing. I have to look forward in life and not be focused on the past or the painful things my EC have done. I am excited to get started on Beyond Done with the Crying. We all have different perspectives and it is not one size fits all with estrangement.
Thank you for this sensible comment. I so agree! We get to look forward and embrace OUR lives…. I hope you will find the new book of value and that it helps you claim your unique brand of resilience.
p.s. Beautiful Sheri’s suggestion to share the book with therapists is truly
empowering…As it is, most “professionals” don’t get” what estrangement is about. I would love to have it included in educational training curriculum…
I have the first book but am cautious about your overwhelmingly positive generic review. I doubt my comment will be allowed to be posted by the author, Sheri, although I think she has done a wonderful job of beginning to shine a light on this evil mess.
Reply to Karen L. … The only reason I might not post your message is because it sounds like a slam to Carrie-Ann. She was nice enough to say something nice about the book, and it sounds like you’re accusing her of dishonesty because it’s too”generic” sounding. I think she hasn’t had a chance to read it yet so was being honest about taking a look at what’s included but is looking forward to reading it. The “look inside” feature isn’t yet activated for online browsers, and I haven’t done much to talk about it. No big lauch party or speech!
Maybe she’ll post an update when she does read it, but I hope you won’t slam her for her enthusiasm (and my lack in talking more about what’s inside). I’m getting there…
You know, it’s true that some reviews online at various places are fake though, so I guess it’s wise to wonder.
I hope you will like the book … Or, more accurately, I hope it will be useful, helpful. I sincerely try to listen and do a good job. This subject is important to me because I know the pain and feel for the parents and and grandparents who have been so hurt (not to mention the grandchildren and siblings, and other family members…).
Hugs to you, Karen L., and everyone.
My last comment was not clear. A few months ago I wrote a comment (that was never posted as far as I can tell) about a national columnist who wrote about the extent of family estrangement and cited a couple of books by authors I had not heard of. I thought that could be helpful information to this community (I had already purchased and read Done With Crying). I just thought other resources could help this community and was disappointed to see my comment about it – my first comment here – was not accepted to be published. If this comment is posted, I hope all of us who are suffering estrangement will realize that as helpful as Done With Crying is, and possibly the new book, there are also other resources by other authors. I don’t want controversy…just was disappointed my orig post a few months ago about other authors was not included and if this comment is posted, I hope this community knows there are additional resources available (I am not an author or publisher but am a parent suffering the indescribable pain of estrangement from an adult child). And am I am looking for any help anywhere…
Dear Karen L. Your prior post was posted. It was late though. When people mention other items, I am sometimes leery of them and won’t immediately post. That’s because there are some unkind individuals who want parents who come here for help to be hurt by strange links or mean articles, etc. If I’m busy, which is often, and if there are several comments, I put those notes aside. Sometimes I don’t get back to them at all. Sometimes I decide they’re not right for the site. Sometimes I make decisions others would disagree with too! I’m doing my best but am imperfect.
HUGS to you.
I wish my therapist read it!!!! She went against my wishes and told my husband to continue to have a relationship with our son who estranged ME not my husband!
I said it was as a betrayal to me after 57 years together!!
It has ruined our marriage!!! She knew how I would feel but she encouraged their relationship!
Sheri opinion is a couple should have a United Front (or separate only if it doesn’t hurt anyone and they both agree….
Sheri hope I got that right???)
His betrayal almost put me away and I am certain if we were United my son would return!
What kind of therapist does that? Yes I have to go to her because my pain management Dr won’t treat me if I don’t!!
I am all alone and have no one to talk to about this!!!!
OMG Guys!!! For some reason I clicked on the Beyond Done With Crying Book icon and IT IS DONE AND AVAILABLE AT AMAZON…NOW!!!!
(No audio-book available yet…Sheri, will an audio-book be available soon?!)
BEAUTIFUL SHERI CONGRATULATIONS AND BIG BEAR HUGS!!! YOU HAVE “GONE BEYOND AND DONE IT!!!!” (On top of moving and all that goes with that…)
I just ordered the book!!! The book will be delivered the day after Thanksgiving…SOOO Grateful for that…Perfect, Divine, Right Timing!!!
In Gratitude & Friendship,
May You All Have a Peace-Full, Joy-Full, and Delicious Thanksgiving!!! Remember we have each other!!!
You found it before I could even officially announce that BEYOND DONE WITH THE CRYING: MORE ANSWERS AND ADVICE FOR PARENTS OF ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN is available now. It’s limited currently but will be more widely available soon. The audiobook is not in process at this time (and there is no “firm” plan in place for that yet). Currently, it is just the paperback available at amazon and it looks like it hasn’t made its way to other online retailers as of yet.
I hope you will find the book of value … and if you do, I hope you will leave a good review.
HUGS. I am very grateful for your enthusiasm!!
The new book arrived yesterday!!! Beautiful Sheri has really put so much into it…There are even Exercise workbook-type pages, as well as a Notes section, after each chapter. So many resources, (all the stuff we have been sharing that we are concerned with…legal…health…etc…)
What is truly helpful is that Beautiful Sheri has applied the research and information that she has gleaned from online surveys from those in this online community…Valuable references and books are listed…as well as a Wonderful “About the Author” section.
I am truly relieved the holiday is more or less over…Energy levels are low and this book is a timely Godsend…Thank You Beautiful Sheri!!!
I encourage you to order the book…as more holidays loom in the horizon…As the New Year approaches, I will read the book and use the Exercises to “Let Go-Let God” and “Welcome the New Year”…
In Gratitude in Each Breath…Each Now Moment…
May Each of You, You-Beautiful Sheri, Be Blessed In Body, Mind, & Spirit…
I am reading Sheri’s new book, “Beyond Done With the Crying.” It is a very thorough, helpful, insightful book. We (my husband and I) are 3 years into estrangement now and although after 2 years we moved on realizing we were not the problem but the new wife wasn’t accepting of us and had no plans to ever. I am so happy with the layout of the book and it covers everything that we could think of. I wanted to leave a positive review on Amazon but did not see a place to post reviews yet. It is my new bible and makes me feel so empowered. We have set new boundaries and will never be used again nor people please. Thank you Sheri for all of your hard work and dedication to help so many hurting parents, you were put here on earth to help us all.
I am taking the time to respectfully address your comment:
“…but am cautious about your overwhelmingly positive generic review.”
It was NOT a review…and it was not generic…
As to what you label as “…overwhelmingly positive generic…,” I do feel very positive and have much Gratitude for Beautiful Sheri’s dedicated & kind work in creating this book…Which I just received yesterday…and did an overview of specific contents of the overall book…
I am a member of this online community, which might be a clue that I might be in pain and sorrow, just like the others on this website…I did not go into details of what I have been experiencing this Thanksgiving…So “forgive me” (as Steve Martin says), for being “overwhelmingly positive” about a book that I gifted to myself and had just received…I continually use the 1st book and workbook, as well as audio book…finding empowering pearls of wisdom that I can use to get through this sadness and loss…To have the new book with workbook pages in each chapter is truly a blessing…
When I do share my Heart, I do not expect that others agree with me, or that I will be judged…I share, as others do, to simply share and support one another on this journey that we find ourselves on…That is the one and only reason I shared my thoughts about the new book, encouraging others to gift it to themselves…It is their choice…to use or not use what we share with each other…
Karen L., May You Be Blessed In Body, Mind, & Spirit…
After years of a very difficult relationship with my only thirty year old daughter, she decided she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, this happened ten days ago, I am devastated, I found this blog and it is already helping me a lot. Thanks to the author and to all the members
My heart goes out to you Marian. My only son, 23 stopped talking to me 15 months ago. I’m here if you need an ear. Huge hugs
My heart goes out to you. The pain of this event is beyond painful. I likened it (and still do) as grieving for a child who is still alive. Our daughter abruptly decided over 2 years ago that she wanted nothing to do with me, without communicating why. We were so very close. Subsequently, she disowned my husband and her sister. At the time, our grandson was 18 months, the love of our lives.
Sheri’s book quickly became my bible, particularly in low moments when I am really missing my daughter and grandson. Sheri is genuine, honest and full of incredibly valuable insights. Without Done With the Crying, I don’t think I would have been able to go back to living.
This past March, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My oldest daughter took it upon herself and wrote her sister to let her know what was happening. Four months went by when I found a card in my mailbox one afternoon, written by my estranged daughter. With shaking hands, I opened the card, only to find out that we have a four month old grandson. My daughter cryptically wrote that she had been informed about my diagnosis and “wished me well”. Once again, I rushed for Sheri’s book (marked with turned pages and post-it notes everywhere!) and found comfort.
I just want you to know you are not alone. In fact, since this awful event happened in our lives, I have met countless people and even people I’ve known for years….who “admit” similar situations in their own families…its an endemic situation, as tragic as it sounds.
I send hugs to you, knowing to well the pain that hangs in our hearts. I sure hope you love Sheri’s book. I’ve just ordered the new one and can hardly wait until it arrives!
Hi Marian, Thank you for sharing. I found this site today out of desperation. My only daughter who I have had a wonderful relationship with has decided that she no longer wants me in her life. I am completely heart broken and my mind keeps replaying her childhood; she now believes I was a terrible mother. She dropped out of university this year and is working, I pay her rent. It feels so strange to pay for something for someone and not have contact with them. I don’t know what to do about Christmas. She has asked for no contact. This will be my first holiday without her. I don’t know what happened.
Dopo anni di un rapporto molto difficile con la mia unica figlia di trenta anni, lei ha deciso che non vuole più parlare con me, questo è successo dieci giorni fa, sono devastata, ho trovato questo blog e mi sta già aiutando molto. Grazie alla autora ed a tutti i membri
I don’t know what I would have done had I not found Sheri’s book. Thank you so much. My daughter decided to transgender and from the moment he was on testosterone he became a mean, nasty person. Before that we had a lovely relationship and I had a friend in my child. Now he twists everything and has forgotten all the love and support he had from us for 30yrs. He created a story we were made to fit into so he could be a victim of his decisions. We were cut off and not even allowed to discuss his untrue statements. So sad for us and him when he clearly needs support. It is his life choice but has no empathy for the damage he’s done. I’m trying to move on but I have a big sad inside me.
My heart goes out to you.
My handsome son, whom I thought would marry a beautiful woman, started dabbling with makeup in his teens. He also started changing his mannerisms. I asked him, “ Do you believe that you should be a woman?”. He, after lengthy experimenting, said, “No”, and then gave it up. But, he later came out as gay. He has left his childhood home and has moved to a city that is more gay friendly/active. He is just 25 years old.
I noticed that you call your daughter “he” and “him”. I would like to suggest and encourage that none of us succumb to that brainwashing. A woman is a woman. A man is a man. Period. I’m sure you realize that too.
I have more thoughts on this, which pertain to the authority of the LORD above who rules the Heaven and Earth. The wickedness in the world has reached his ears., as in the days of Sodom and Gomorrah. We must all be in repentance.
Don’t give in to the prevailing evil but stand for the truth. ..even if our children are against us.
By the way, although I have estrangement with my daughter, my son is not estranged from me. I told my son that we cannot discuss his lifestyle. He has agreed.
Much love and peace in navigating this fallen world,
This has be therapeutic for me ! Thankfully I found this forum for comfort… my daughter also stopped talking to me for several years even though She lived with me… it’s painful and lonely sometimes.
Silent treatments from our children can be damaging our mental health and our physical health. Let them go with love. Not easy,
I’m planning to move and am confused what to do because my daughter has blocked me, and my other daughter doesn’t respond at all. I sent a heartfelt letter trying to ask what I’ve done wrong and received hateful texts back. If I move and don’t leave an address won’t I be portrayed as uncaring? I realize that sounds crazy because my daughters have pretty much cut ME out….I just want to do the right thing….any thoughts?
Dear Dawn, I have a feeling that you have already been portrayed as uncaring….
Having said that, if it feels better to you to let them know, find a way to do it (if possible).
I hope your move will be a good one!
I assume you will still have your cell phone number the same…which should leave you feeling free to move unannounced…and not send them your address, until you are ready…or if ever. Also, you likely have your same email address…and if you move and set up an address there, it will be online within about 2 months. We set up a PO BOX when we moved here…which is what we gave out and what you can find online. Few have our actual location address which so far in our 2+ yrs in this apt bldg, I have not found online. I never did tell the PO where we were…just started using the apt address (we have mail boxes in the lobby) and mail began coming. The best part is that SO FAR no junk mail comes here!!! I hope this helps, Dawn. By the way, the child who maybe still does not have our actual location address, moved and did not tell us UNTIL OUR DAUGHTER threatened to tell us and told him it was better if HE did so…so he did. They are in the same town and of course, the current address is online. But that left us feeling ok about not sharing anymore information than just our PO Box. They really do not care you know…even ones who will once in awhile make some kind of contact. If they did, they would find a way to connect, whether the crazy spouse liked it or not…Just saying…best wishes to your new life and I hope you find a wonderful active commmunity to be part of wherever you end up!!
Thank you so much, Sheri, and everyone who has posted their experiences and questions here. I came here because I was feeling sad and lonely and missing the way things used to be when the kids were young and my husband was with me, and the house was full and I loved every single day, and I leave here feeling the love of friends and people who understand me, with wonderful encouragement and hope to keep going, and with practical tools and great advice from people who have done it and are doing it on how to again make a good life, one I am looking forward to, beginning with this day. Thank you to all. I am feeling much better.
Thanks for writing to us. I personally am glad to hold hands with other parents who are going through this bewildering an unexpected outcome of parenting. Honestly, who knew? Not me would I have guessed this. But loved what you wrote, “Besides I’m harvesting some positive realizations now, and planning to make better use of my time the rest of this year and into the next. How about you? ” I am planning to enjoy my life despite this hurt. It is beautiful Fall. We are heading into our Holiday Season. We have obviously survived a Pandemic so far. We can enjoy the rest of life. And I may be 72 and not have much money and single but I still have life given to me to live and I plan to push aside the rejection and live one day at a time the most enjoyably that I can. Period. For me, Church has been a life line with friends, activities, and a home away from home. I’m really grateful for many things. I am buying season tickets to a little local theatre, delving into interesting cooking, dragging my folding chair to at least one grandchild’s sporting events despite not being able to see the parent, reading some Pulitzer prize winning novels, watching BBC and carrying on. Thanks for your efforts and kind understanding words on our behalf.
Kathleen, it sounds like you and I have lots in common. Thank you for your positive outlook on life. I am a newly estranged parent and still bewildered and beyond sad. No longer having my son in my life, it’s the 3 little grandsons I’m heartbroken by the most. Thank you for your words to know that life can go on.
Several years estranged here. ED in her 40s. Had very brief email contact (2 short emails from me and same her) during pandemic and was told never to contact her again in 2nd one. Didnt contact her out of the blue but she had contacted a known acquaintance of mine so I foolishly thought she wanted contact from me.
Havent contacted her since. That was last spring to summer so I guess the nice email was she’d fallen out with partner. The nasty one they had made up again I assume, so I could go back into the unrequired box.
Live and learn.
Yes, Rita. We do live and learn. It’s a shame that our own children choose to be such cruel “teachers.”
We can also teach: That people must treat others with kindness or, at the least, fairness. We don’t have to be forever available on a cruel person’s terms.
I know … It’s not easy.
Big hugs to you, Rita.
My estranged daughter sends me texts of her sons and tells me about their sports, school, etc. but when I reply and thank her for sending the pictures, she never responds again. I have no idea what she is doing or wants me to do. It’s like she’s punishing me further or is she reaching out so I will ask to see my grandkids. If I do, I am afraid the answer will be no so I don’t do anything.
They can’t tell us because they don’t know. They’re projecting a lot of their problems into the person closest to them. My own daughter has never been able to articulate her feelings to anyone.
All you can do is let them know that you love them and that you will talk when ready. That may be a while. I think that our children have delayed development. And they’re influenced by social media that blames parents for everything.
Hang in there and build a life you love. It’s not ideal but it’s the hand we’re dealt with. Hugs…
I couldn’t agree more !!
We can make a choice every single day to enjoy our life fully despite our adult children lack of kindness .
We can’t control another’s behavior including our children ; but we can make a choice to react differently; that can move us out of the victim mode ; not easy but possible
It is ok to feel good about ourselves even if we are estranged from our adult children !!!
I think grief, over our hopes with a good relationship with our adult kids, really does hit us in waves. At least for me, it has. It’s been years that I’ve had problems with my adult daughter and now I no longer hear from her, my son-in-law or my grown grandchildren. Some days, I’m fine and don’t even think about it. But some days I fall back, and then bring out my copy of Done With the Crying. That is like my “bible” and I keep it nearby. I have read back over needed topics as they pop up. Yes, we all need to build a good, new life for ourselves, for we so deserve it. But it’s an ebb and flow of feelings. Luckily, I have minimal contact with my adult son. I am grateful for that. But I’m still hoping my daughter and her family, that their hearts soften a bit and we can reconnect. But I’m done trying. Now it’s time for ME. I look forward to Sheri’s new, second book! All of you be well, safe and happy.
It been six weeks for me since our 19 year old cut us out with such disrespect. This is how I feel as well. Thank you for putting my feelings into words. I feel as if I’m grieving and feel so betrayed and hurt.
I’m new here. Do I start a new post or tag on here? My only child/daughter is 40. I’ve been divorced 18 years, her dad does not communicate with her and lives his own crazy life. I’ve done everything I can to be mom and dad and make up for his absence. I am grandma and grandpa too to my beautiful granddaughter. I am alone and what has happened in these 18 years is I don’t have a life. That part is my own fault and issue I know. But, my daughter keeps me on a slippery slope where I’m treated wonderful and called and invited over if there is some upcoming need for me like dog sitting when they go out of town. But as soon as I am not needed, BOOM no texts are answered, I’m yelled at on the phone until I’m in tears, my granddaughter can’t come over, etc.
I’m in tears as I write this. It’s a recurring, merry go round of garbage that honestly has made me wish I was dead—not that I’d do that! But does anyone understand? It’ll never end! Because as soon as she finds a need for me again, I’ll be contacted and waved in lovingly again and I will be so relieved and excited I’ll be there for them.
It’s abuse — it’s abuse. I know that. But to stop it leaves me with no one. Not a husband, few distant friends. No one. Yes, I’m a loner. So I allow this madness to continue.
What do I do?
Last week I took time off from work that I don’t have to spare to puppy sit for 4 days while they went on a trip. This weekend, I’m yelled at, texts ignored, and told to go away. I’m not estranged, but abused. If I put my foot down, I’ll be estranged.
Is it better?
I’m sorry but yes, you are just being used & then abused afterwards!
I have no family except for a 50 yr. old daughter & grandchild whom I haven’t seen or talked to in years—their choice, certainly not mine. Like you, I was special when she needed me to do something but just as soon as she felt like she didn’t need anything from me anymore, she dumped me (& more than once). But today there’s no way that I’d want to start over with her again. (The hardest part was realizing she hates me & I don’t even know why). Also, she’s told nasty lies about me most of her life & that’s hard to forget, too! So even if a miracle were to happen & she were to call me up–I would try to talk to her but NEVER would I trust or let her use me again, I’m done! If I hadn’t finally found Sheri’s forum here & read her first book on estrangement, I probably would still be crying & trying to hang on to someone who simply hates my guts.
We here are all in situations we did not ask for, nor in many cases do we even know why it happened. And if it is because our child is controlled by their spouse…well, whomever is in charge holds all the power over the situation. I feel especially sorry for those with only one child. If you read past comments and articles by Sheri here, there will be MANY ideas for ways to enrich your life. We are only given this one life and only a certain amount of years. Try to figure out what you might want to be experiencing and maybe find at least some of that through various organizations…to do with hobbies, religion, or places that help others. It will no doubt take some time. Consider whether moving to a new location might be helpful. And somewhere along the line, decide what amount of contact you will allow under the circumstances. I finally have decided in all the situations of my life, that one reason some strange things have happened is that quite simply your children do not inherit all their genes and personalities from just you…not only from the other parent, but they may even turn out like a distant relative you never even met…and indeed may have a mental problem. I do believe there is a great deal of mental illness out there today and some of us are just plain magnets for those types of people. We all did our best in raising these ungrateful children, and whatever mistakes we made (as do all people) are not reversible. I think most of us understand that our parents were not perfect but we tried to love and honor them anyway…but today that does not seem to be so known by this generation, unfortunately. I am sending you hugs and encouragement to continue coming here. There is comfort and understanding to be had here!!
I understand… I am wondering if that is called love bombing? I think I can relate to just about every post as I now am the proud mother of 2 ouf 4 adult children that forgot the stay at home doting mom… and now I am the scapegoat. So very painful and yes I do understand…I wished for death at times too…
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re daughter sounds like she has some issues. These are not yours to fix. If you’re not seeing a caring therapist, I encourage you to. You should not feel like crap because your daughter abuses you. Set your boundaries and stick with them. When she yells, hang up. Start exploring your hobbies, interests, and have a separate life. She’s a grown up now and her choices are hers. My daughter is 28 and continues to ignore me without giving a reason. I suspect that she has personality issues. As much as I love her, I can’t fix her. But I have a life and you should, too! Hugs…
After stumbling upon this book and all of Sheri’s advice I can tell say you’re heading in the right direction. My daughter hates me for leaving her abusive father and so many other reasons “I should know”. She’s cut off everyone in my family and her Godparents. I like you Teresa was on a roller coaster waiting to be needed, loved and would do whatever for contact. Only the next week to be yelled at and how I was a pathetic excuse for a mom. I now live 1,000 miles away in a city with no family. I have a great job, volunteer with kids who are dying for attention and love. I also have a lot of great friends. Volunteering with kids who have horrible home lives (I’m too old to foster) reminded me I did the best I could snd she wanted for nothing and I’m done. It took a good five years, Sheri’s book and great therapist to get me to this point but I’m truly living my best live. No walking on eggshells and I have my happy memories but I’m making lots of new ones! You’re not alone and you’ve got this!!!
If your daughter is about 40 than you are about 58 or 60, I guess. I’m 72 so I understand the alone thing. If I could give any advice it is two do two things. The first is to think of your life as One Day At a Time. and the second it to try and make YOURSELF as happy as possible. If you don’t focus on the past or future, I find we can make this one day a pleasant experience from making yourself a nice meal, to picking flowers for yourself, to watching your favorite shows, for contacting one friend to talk to. Shift your focus to trying to make yourself happy as you can’t look for happiness from your D anymore than I can expect it from my 2 sons. If I tried, I would be waiting by myself for ever and still be miserable. Sometimes when we don’t look for happiness from someone else, that person also loses the power to make you miserable. This truly works for me. Not always but most of the time.
Teresa, hang in there. Besides reading Sheri’s book, Done With the Crying, you may want to consider talking to a therapist. I talk to a Counselor twice a month. It does get better with time but our feelings of grief do come and go. When you get really down, that’s when you must talk to someone, a trusted friend or counselor. Getting it all “out there” does help, by talking or journaling, or both. Your life does have meaning. I think of my friends my age that never had kids. They have made new lives for themselves with each new life season. I’m 70 y/o now and value the time I have left here on earth. I do love my estranged daughter and her family however I cannot take the time or energy to pine away for anyone! Life is too short. Please talk to someone especially if you have the “wish to die.” That just means you are deeply hurt and depressed and there is help out there. You take care and be with people that love you, now.
Teresa, I’ve been in this vicious cycle too for 5 years – since my son married and my first grandson was born. Since then basically no contact. I have days that I am so paralyzed in depression over this I too see no use of going on, but Sheri’s book has become my Bible of sorts and my go-to when I am deep in the depression mode. Yes it ebbs and flows. I never expected this in a million years and don’t know the outcome but I can say you are a valued person, just like I am and we don’t deserve to be abused!
I can relate to your story. It is abuse…It is cruel…and as a single parent (my daughter is now 31) I hear you! I have been through this twice now… The first time when my daughter married her husband and now for the past nine months no contact with her or my grandchildren who are three and five. Honestly I have walked on eggshells for the last eight years just trying to make things right so I wouldn’t be in the position I’m in right now… It has affected me mentally, physically and emotionally. I did it because I never wanted to be in a position of losing her or my grand children. At the end of the day it really didn’t matter because just like that they’re gone. I’ve done some hard work and with the help of Sheri’s book/workbook Done with the Crying has helped me in so many ways. I can’t wait for Beyond the Crying to hit the shelf!
If you’ve not started this series please do! Although my heart is shattered I’m learning that I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I hope you stop allowing her to abuse you…put your foot down see what happens. Don’t be afraid to do that…yes there is a risk but, you will hopefully get your life back. There are days like you I don’t feel like being here but I know that I’m stronger then I know and everyday I have to tell myself to get up and get going….My love…memories…belong to me and nobody can take that away from me…that’s what keeps me going. I can’t explain how our daughters can do this to us and as sad as this situation is…they have to figure it out and we can’t allow them to take us down in the process. Hang in there. Pam
Yes it is better. I have not once missed the abuse her father has taught her. Good riddance. Your grand daughter can reach out on her own (send her cards etc. so she knows you care). Draw your line in the sand and DO NOT BUDGE. You will find she quickly moves on.. which is proof she is a user. Did I mention how I loath the millennial generation? We created these self centered axe murderers. We did! My daughters dog bit my face & ate part of my nose on a 34 hour straight through drive to TX (they were moving, my hubby & I helped.. being the sap sucking suckers we are). Not once did they ask if I was okay or if I needed Advil.. NOTHING! I was called into a meeting at the 32 hour mark and notified their dog is not mean it must have been my fault. She was sitting next to me in the car when it happened, I looked at the dog… BIG MISTAKE, & not my fault. That dog has attacked others including animals. I made a claim on her home owners insurance to get my nose fixed. It is on her other home so they won’t force the removal of the dog. It will bite again.. and when that happens .. she will eventually need to be responsible. Not my problem! BTW I know the dog I sat for the dog when they had closing. So that wasn’t the problem. I had no business having children. My mother is a sociopath and abused us to no end. I have no idea how to parent and did my best. I drove down to abort her at 3 months & changed my mind. There. I did one thing correct. I let her live, probably wasn’t the best choice but it was the moral choice. Her millionaire father beat the living crap out of me when he found out I did not follow through with the abortion. She sides with him (I left him after beating # ? when he almost killed me). He is all about the show & God forbid his “Barbie” divorced him. He spent the rest of his life brainwashing her. He has to meet his maker some day. I don’t miss her at all the abuse was frequent I don’t even have any positive memories left. has·ta la vis·ta
it is abuse and your story sounds much like mine. I am a loner and abandoned/rejected by my daughter over 20 years ago. There have been attempts at reconciliation, but all were associated with her needing my money… Being left absolutely alone was beyond heartbreak…She was 22 years old at the time, and all the dreams I had of our relationship and her life were smashed in that one letter. I went through 10 years of therapy, with the goal being to be someone she liked, so we could have a healthy relationship. I took on the responsibility of healing myself, acknowledging she had a sometimes rough time with me; I loved her so much and did everything I could to be a good parent (I even took ECE certificate to learn about children when she was 4) I did my best, even though there were times my best was ‘piss poor.’ I spent another 10 years as a relatively healed, happy person who learned to live without my daughter and attempted another reconciliation 2 years ago…she needed a truck, it turns out…’thanks mom, i am so grateful’…..haven’t heard from her since, no answered texts, no answered emails or phone calls. Yes, you are abused, and the only way to break that cycle is to not accept the abuse….I just let her go, and that is pretty ‘tough love’. The pain is horrible but there are golden rays of enlightenment that come with going through the healing process. I won’t accept her abuse and I let her go in love. I keep a photo of her nearby and I pray, “I send you my love, I pray for your peace, I wish you good health and joy” as a gentle release of my hope. It is worth the effort to do this.
Wow that leaves a lot of room for judgement of others so thought I would elaborate … Long story short, she is very sweet and seems to have lots of power over her grown brother ( 15 years difference) and he encouraged her to not allow rules she thought was unfair when she went to him crying her junior year… dating in the middle of the week, being sneaky and being where she was not to be at times while getting bad grades.. She did not want any rules.. Now its 6 years later and she continues to hurt me through estrangement and keeps them all in the loop of her wonderful life two babies now , she rejects all offers to talk to me… it is the worst pain ever.. I remain quiet and try to trust the Lord as he sees it all. I was told by a therapist she may have a Personality Disorder.. how is that ever figured out? love and hugs to you all..
Debra, you’ve come to the right place for support with what you are going through and what you might go through in the future. Our son was 26 when he informed us that I was toxic and his father was a stranger to him. Sheri’s book made me look at the past and recognise that estrangement was a process that had started many years previously. I was the one to pull the plug on our relationship because I was could see that my husband and I had been used and abused and it had to stop. The ensuing 5 years have shown me that I made the correct decision. I have happy memories of the happy times but I can look the bad times straight in the eye and know what they were, total abuse of our love and trust. I won’t be going back there. Our son has only been in touch with us or with other family members when he wants something. Sadly for him, there’s no good will left.
My 25 yr old son hates me..
And he wont tell me what I did…
Im not apoligizing to him..
I am here as well… daughter… 6 years now and try’s to inflict pain … her siblings think its me… but I have stayed quiet… pain that never ends
Why won’t they tell us?? Good question to ask Sheri.. I would love to know that too. Sorry Debra your going through this it is so painful.. Elephant on the chest pain is how I describe my bad days… days I cope its just a mouse ! I read once that people can die from heartbreak.. I wondered if I would, the hurt is real pain.
You don’t need to apologize. But you can send him an email telling him that you love him and will be available to talk when he’s ready. Keep it brief. He may be going through late stage individuation or can have personal issues.
Find ways to have and enjoy your life. Hopefully, he’ll come back around. But you can’t put your life on hold for that.
It’s very hard. Try to care for yourself. Hugs…
My ESON told me not to leave him anything as he would turn around and give to ANTIFA. I just re wrote my will 🙁 that was the last i heard from him about 6 months ago.