Ask Sheri McGregor: Why can’t I stop checking my estranged daughter’s social media?

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Email from estranged mother, Roseanne:

Dear Sheri,

My daughter hasn’t spoken to me in more than two years. She asked for “space,” and I’ve tried to respect that. I haven’t contacted her, but lately, I find myself checking her social media a lot.

Sometimes I just want to make sure she’s okay. She has had health troubles in the past, and I worry about that. Other times I just long to look at the beautiful girl I raised and have always loved. I hate to admit it, but I’m also hoping to see some sign that something has changed in her and that maybe there’s hope this estrangement will end.

The reason I’m writing to you is that afterwards, I usually feel worse. I’ll see her pictures from events I wasn’t invited to or learn she was promoted at work. Then I spend the rest of the day feeling sick to my stomach.

I tell myself I’m not going to look anymore. But a few days later I’m doing it again. It’s almost automatic. I pick up my phone and before I even think about it, I’m on her page again. It’s like I can’t stop.  And then I feel like a pathetic loser, hunting for a granule of contact that isn’t even real.  Why can’t I get this under control?

Thank you for all you do for parents like me, Sheri. I love your books. I just started the new one, Rumination Remedies, and already notice I’m feeling more like I’m living a real life again instead of always in a fog of the future or the past. Thank you.

Roseanne

Answer from Sheri McGregor:

Dear Roseanne,

Thank you for writing and for your kind words about my work. First, let me assure you that you’re not a “pathetic loser.” You’re a loving mother and far from alone in the struggle you’re feeling. I hear all the time from parents who wish they could quell the urge to check their estranged adult child’s social media. There are underlying reasons why parents of estranged adult children sometimes feel as you said, like they just “can’t stop” going back to look—even though they often feel worse afterward.

Because so many parents can relate, I decided to answer your email in this column.  A parent’s urge to check in on their child can feel surprisingly strong. Almost like a compulsion. Let’s take a closer look, because understanding how estrangement affects normal relational responses can help you gain better control.

Why estrangement creates such a powerful urge

Monitoring our children is normal. Watching, assisting, encouraging … that’s how parents keep children safe and help them thrive. Like many creatures in nature, humans are wired to protect and watch over their young.

When children grow up, a Mom’s or Dad’s “parenting” doesn’t just switch suddenly off. So, it’s normal to wonder if your child is okay. Estrangement removes the normal channels to check in—so we’re compelled to search for other ways to find out.

Checking social media after estrangement

The “can’t stop” part usually begins with a quick glance that brings a modicum of relief. The adult child looks well, or a grandchild appears to be happy and fine. Then, very often, there’s an opposite effect. Parents feel left out of important events, learn something that causes worry, or see their son or daughter blissfully living on without them.

Parents often wish they hadn’t looked and tell themselves they won’t again. Yet a few days or weeks later, curiosity or worry pulls them back. Painful social media becomes a window to their estranged child’s life.

Why estranged parents keep checking

Unpredictable outcomes create strong habits. When something occasionally provides reward or relief—but not every time—we’re more motivated to keep trying. As mentioned in BEYOND Done With The Crying, it’s a bit like slot machines that keep us pulling the handle for another win. For estranged parents, the “reward” from social media peeking can be small but powerful.

The term for inconsistent rewards is “intermittent reinforcement,” and that certainly applies. But estrangement adds something else that increases the pull: a powerful drive to search for information when a strong emotional bond is disrupted.

When an important relationship grows distant and the conflict is unresolved, the mind naturally searches for clues that might make sense of what happened. Of course, part of the compulsion to check on them is simply that parents love their children.

In my earlier book, Done With The Crying, one mother describes the compulsion she feels and acts on, and it’s something I hear inside the membership group too. I also wrote about the behavior and its possible consequences in an article where I asked parents if they were “stalking” their estranged adult child (a term the estranged grown children sometimes use for parents who watch them online). Here, we’re exploring more how the psychological pull can make the behavior difficult to stop. Recognizing the pattern helps you begin to step outside it.

You mentioned that you’ve just started Rumination Remedies. The awareness exercises in that book are designed to interrupt loops like this—when the mind keeps returning to something that causes distress. As you keep moving through those activities, you may find yourself gaining more control over the urge to check your estranged daughter’s social media.

Awareness begins to make way for change

Start with awareness. Consider these questions:

• What are you hoping to feel when you check?
• Do you usually achieve that feeling? If so, does it last?
• Is the habit helping you heal — or reopening the wound?

Often, that awareness becomes the first step toward changing the pattern. It’s also helpful to experiment with small boundaries. Limit yourself to checking once a week or month to start, for example. And remove social media apps from your phone so checking becomes inconvenient.

What’s the real worry?

Many parents worry that not checking on their estranged child might make it seem like they don’t care anymore or are giving up. If that’s one of your worries, ask yourself if halting a painful habit truly defines your love. Or does it simply allow you to move forward in your own life without being pulled repeatedly back into the same old hurt.

Moving forward for your own well-being, whether or not you ever end up reconciling, has no downside. Stepping out of the loop is an important way for parents of estranged adult children to cope. Your love can remain steady and real even when the constant checking stops—with an important upside: You’ll be sending yourself the message that you’re worthy of a good and happy life regardless of what another adult chooses to do or think. That last shift of caring for yourself is one of the most self-compassionate steps parents of estranged adult children can take.

Related

Parents in estranged relationships with adult children: The River of shared compassion

Healing from adult children’s rejection: Persevere beyond “backdraft” to freedom

Rejected parents: Should you tell people?