Parents of estranged adult children: Gaining clarity after estrangement
Clarity after estrangement: A short video (8 minutes)
Parents of estranged adult children often spend years searching for answers. Can you gain clarity after estrangement without knowing every reason why the cut-off occurred?
In this short video, Sheri McGregor connects a familiar borrowed saying, Al-Anon’s Three C’s about cause, control, and cure, with another familiar C-set … and ends with another question.
The video is approximately 8 minutes. In the near future, we’ll be exploring these ideas more deeply in one of the Zoom meetings inside the membership. Don’t miss out. Join for meetings usually twice a month. Or, watch the replays stored inside the membership.
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27 thoughts on “Parents of estranged adult children: Gaining clarity after estrangement”
I have avoided ‘going into’ the emails ,wonderfully sent to me by you.
I didn’t want to ‘go there’
well I went there and was hugely uplifted, knowing I am not alone in this THANKYOU SOOOO MUCH !
Hi Sheri
I first read your book Done with Crying and that’s how I ended up receiving your emails. You and your community have been a constant comfort while I continue to make allowances for the continuing abuse I receive especially from my daughter who tries to control the relationship I have with her children. I have formed a bond with my oldest grand daughter (6 years old) over the years even tho we hardly see each other. And the second one is showing signs of wanting to get to know me.
Yesterday was the youngest granddaughters birthday and I wasn’t invited to the celebrations, I knew it was near but it was her Facebook post that informed me of their celebrations. Interestingly I was shopping for clothes for them as there was a sale on in my local kids clothes shop and they had those bell bottom tights. When I texted her asking for their sizes she promptly replied most unusual as she has been ignoring me for weeks. I ve asked her to confirm lunch arrangements I am making, no reply received.
I ve been through that parent alienation thing. We met when we were young. I was 19 and he 18. I had a full time job and he was going to uni (which I was impressed by). He had Jimmy Hendrix hair and wore John Lennon Glasses and the sweetest smile. We both came from the same cultural background so perhaps I could also make my father happy with this union. Turned out he was a drop out uni student with a drug problem he asked me not to tell our parents. A year goes by and we broke up. His mother stepped in and talked us into marrying, which we did and Ended up selling my house and moved to the country to become self sufficient. I got sick of the parental control and wanted to be left alone to work things out for myself of which I did and separated from him with two small children 6 years later because he chose to become a drug dealer and I moved us back to the city. When he arrived a year later his parents rewarded him and blamed me for everything with my bipolar sister who agreed with them.
I am an artist and with the support of my brother and his partner applied for funding to make a film about domestic violence and I was successful but my siblings begged me to give the money back but I didn’t and when my children were at school I made it over 3 years and another part time job as a programmer for a community centre. I still managed fresh food and care for my children with their father hounding me. Eventually I lost my rented house so I was homeless for a few weeks until my new house became available and stayed with a friend and my children stayed on weekends. (I had agreed they go to his house for a holiday) When I eventually got my home my friends son helped me with painting and fixing. It was so beautiful with a big yard but one day when my children were visiting my sister also decided to visit even when I asked her not to. I can’t say anymore about that. I lost them, they wanted to live with their father. My son became a drug addict and my daughter used work and study and food to get over her grief in losing me. Didn’t see my son for ten years. Now we all see each other but I don’t like the people they’ve become even tho Imlove them both dearly. Very difficult for me. I love my grandchildren so much. But tired of the gas lighting and crumbs I get, walking on eggshells and breaking my grandchildren’s hearts because their parents don’t want us to have a relationship. So the alienation begins all over again.
I do live a good life, eat well, exercise, laugh, garden, have friends who I see occasionally, love living on my own, don’t drink, don’t smoke. I am 70
And have been thinking enough is enough, maybe I should move back to the country and start over. Then I think but my olive tree, my lemon tree, my fig tree all producing in my tiny yard. Perhaps I just need a holiday.
Thank you.
This video was very informative to me, I have a 37 year old daughter that share a 2 bedroom apartment our arrangement is roommates, we pay half on all the bills, however I always seem to be paying more than my share because she is bipolar and OCD, but prefers to self medicate, so that to her comes before any bills, but the roommate thing i feel has gotten out of hand, you see i had a few accidents last year that I have had surgeries and I use a walker it’s been a year, so she had to do things on her own, so now she acts like the head of the house no apathy or respect for me at all, she hates the fact that I have to have shower chair toilet rise walker, and it breaks my heart a little every time she tells me that, I cant say anything to her because her bipolar will surface, so I don’t say anything. She blames me because I never let her want for anything I spoiled her, and now we are struggling financially and she can’t deal with it, any advice?
Before watching your video this morning I was in the kitchen and was remembering my daughter’s laughter and her smile, and wishing I could see and hear her again. I don’t know the cause, I can only guess, I have no control over it, you don’t own people’s choices, and there is no cure, and I have been cancelled. I can put my energy elsewhere and do but there is no replacement for that laughter.
Thank you Sheri for all that you are, & all that you do to help those that are estranged from their adult children. I have now come to radical acceptance & that is thanks to you Sheri & all your help & advice. Thank you so much & God Bless!
I think what has become clearer to me is that I lost the hope that I would be a part of my young grandchildren’s lives. But, I have not lost hope in myself thanks to your support, Sheri. I will continue to strive to make good choices for myself.
Thank you for your wisdom! I learned that I had to let go and heal…I could not let it ruin my life. It was about self care and realizing it had little to do with me and was just my bipolar son’s coping mechanism to ghost everyone except his live in girlfriend. I pray for him but honestly don’t know if I could ever trust him again. My mind understands what he chose to do but my heart doesn’t….hope all of you find peace!
I babysat my grandchildren for 7 years and was paid $60 a week for gas money. I also lent them $10,000 to help buy their home, which they haven’t repaid. I often altered my schedule to help them out. My 5-year-old granddaughter habitually has tantrums 5 or more times a day. She has never let me comfort her. She may scream, kick doors, and carry on for 15+ minutes. I’ve seen her kick and hit her dad, my son, while he tries to get her calmed. Her behavior provokes my anxiety, and I try to leave the room when she is carrying on, but I can’t always do that when watching her twin 2-year-and-4-month-old brothers because of my physical limitations. I’ve seen her deliberately hit and shove them. In late April, she was carrying on for about the 4th time that day. I lost it and said loudly, “what the F*ck is she screaming about now?” Her mother, who has yelled at her with expressions like “I’m tired of the shit, you have to stop your screaming or go to your room,” came out and yelled at me. At that point my son came upstairs (they both work from home) and tried to calm the situation. I was very frustrated (I also have PTSD) and basically said I’m done and to find a babysitter. The last one lasted 1 week and quit over the tantrums, as did a previous sitter that gave up after 2 weeks. When I got home, I emailed my son to apologize for putting him in a difficult situation. Since then, I received a short phone call on Mother’s Day. That’s it—no other calls, visits, or emails. I should add that I also helped with dishes and cleaning. I feel very conflicted about the whole situation. I have never liked the way his wife talks to him; neither does his sister, and neither do his friends, some of whom he has lost because his wife got pissed about the friends telling him they are concerned about the way she treats him. I have kept my lips zipped regarding how she treats him, so the whole situation is a mess.
Wow. Thank-you for helping see that I can still shine while I grapple with my human flaws and lack of the full understand of my estrangements.
Love Alanon. I also love the extra C tools you have laid out so beautifully for use. I can never have enough of those! I always feel so grounded and healable with your work.
Linda
I always thought people got what they deserved in life (i.e. ‘karma’) but have realized that bad things happen to good people all the time. After this estrangement from my son and my grandkids, I no longer believe in karma. Bad things just happen and you have to deal with it. It’s the most painful thing in my life.
I think what has been clearer to me is that the last couple of years of estrangement that it isn’t all about me – which I tend to do for a lot of things. I am learning to not take it all in as all my fault and what I did or did not do is the whole reason that they have done what they did and thereby protecting them for their own decisions.
I love your positivity. The 4th “C” is choice, like you said. Due to my daughter’s choice to have no contact with her parents, we have a different path. We are choosing to find joy in other ways: golf, travel, social activities with friends, church involvement and new hobbies.
Great commentary and video Sheri! So well structured and thought out. For me, estrangement has finally reached the state of acceptance. Actually that occurred a couple of years ago, when I found myself thinking back on the good times we had with our Son and realizing that Hey! He can’t take away all our happy memories. I realized it was like finally accepting your child’s death. What there isn’t for me is complete clarity, but I have understood a certainty (another “C”), and that this wasn’t our fault at all. We had normal family relationships, warts and all, but lots of love. That was destroyed by his wife. And she continues to destroy other relationships that are close to our Son. Currently, she destroyed the relationship between the estranged Son and our youngest Son and the aftermath for our youngest Son has been devastating. As I watch this horror story continue after almost 12 years I guess I am seeing some clarity and that is that some people cannot breathe without creating chaos (oh look! Another C). What that provides for them is completely unclear to me, but it must give them some kind of reward. I pity and pray for the children they have as I suspect there will be severe emotional repercussions for them.
I read your article from the other day about putting up with abuse and I did comment it helped my husband and I immensely; I read it several times and it was perfect timing for us to have this wisdom.
The CLARITY comes SLOWLY when over the course of years, contact is sparce, insults of our character are abundant, conversations need deciphering from vagueness/contradictions, and new reasons for estrangement emerge. This keeps us on the “ride”.
We’ve come to realize how POWERFUL the grip of spouses/partners are on our children. We continue to grow accustomed to the “tolerance creep” of abuse out of desperation to have the family back and see our grandchildren; but no more!!
Thank you so much! Clarity does lead to making better choices and caring for ourselves. Just like you wrote; hidden agendas can be part of the “hook”. We are grateful we made choices from the beginning to stop financial generosity. We are so sad for parents who have purchased homes, cars, etc out of that heartbreaking desperation for being a family again.
We have been completely estranged from our son for a year now, but were semi-estranged before that for many years before we finally said enough. We finally had to accept that while we hadn’t been the ones to cause the estrangement, we also were powerless to fix it if our son was not interested in doing so, which he evidently wasn’t. Much reflection and rumination had gone into how things did get this way. However, in looking back over events in my son’s life before he got married, I started to see some of his past behavior in a new light. He had always been a child who seemed to feel superior to others and who wanted to have things his own way. I can remember him at six coming home from playing kickball with neighboring kids because “they weren’t playing by the rules!” and he was always very choosey about who he would associate with. I guess, despite all that we did for him, we are just not good enough for him either anymore, since he feels there is nothing else “we can do for him!”
Love… love your videos and so love the pearls wisdom your share! Thank you. I have decided to take your advice to heal myself.
Hi, I think the pressure of estrangement speaks to me more than anything. I think although painful, it has helped forge me into a person quite different from the last. My reliance on my faith in God has also significantly changed too. Also, I am realising that a parent’s love is very different from a childs. There is a scar on my soul now, but I also am embracing the freedom of responsibility for my adult child. I am not the only one with imperfections and I think I am able to separate the maternal feeling and look at my child with a honest and genuine regard of what sort of person they are.
Like all of your topic s .They have helped confirm how I feel about my estranged daughter.
Thank you for this Sherri
What is becoming clearer for me? Is that my estrangement from my son is part of a chain of estrangement that run back through my family almost 50years. Those are the ones I know about for sure, but I have a feeling that they go back further.
This epiphany came to me this morning as soon as I woke up I realised my granny was a estrangrd from two of her daughters, and also her brother. This made my mum estranged from two siblings followed by a low contact from myself. I now have a low contact brother and what is turning out to be an estranged son.
Putting it into this family dynamic has helped me see that this process is written into our Family tapestry and my estrangement with my son is not the one off out of the blue thing and it could be said almost unavoidable.
Something that gives me comfort is that the arrangement with my son feels like it has given him freedom. I don’t know for sure but I let him go. I hope that I have given him the opportunity to be free without any guilt. I do hope that he will return at some point, but for now I have let him go and focus on keeping myself safe emotionally and focused on how I can make my life have authentic and supportive connections with good friends.
Thank you x
A very thought provoking Video Sherie. Yes we all would like clarity. We feel we cannot moving on without it. I have been fighting for acceptance for a long time now but feel.I am trying to accept the unacceptable . The truth is that we have to let it go or give in as you say in one of your books. We will never be able to explain every thing or get clear answers to our questions. So no we don’t need clarity or acceptance. We need to just let it go. What a liberation.that is. Elaine
It’s becoming clear to me that my son has a lot of growing to do with regard to continuing to be a loving husband and father while at the same time being assertive in the name of fairness and respect.
Thank you so much for this video, Sheri!
What is becoming clearer to me now? I’m clearer that I didn’t cause this. My daughter became estranged from me a year and a half prior to my report to child protection. That only after a call from a caregiver who stated that the child needed to be in a safe place because his mother (my daughter) was “not doing well.” I take full responsibility for taking this action. What has become clearer is that she takes no responsibility for any of her choices that put her child in jeopardy, nor the consequences of those choices.
What is also clearer is that mental illness plays a role as well as a 2 year addiction to heroin.
Thank you Sheri,
It’s 3.55 am and on waking I saw your email and watched the video. In the past 6 years I’ve gone over and over in my mind blaming myself, feeling sad, feeling rejected, wondering how I got things so wrong and wishing I could turn back time. My daughter was a very much wanted child I gave birth to when I was nearly 43. She was adored. I am 70 this year and she has not spoken to her father and I for 6 years. She was 27 on her last birthday and our hearts feel broken. It’s a painful journey for us and we are trying to gain some clarity in this situation but it seems elusive.
Helpful video. I have owned up to what I did do wrong and I have apologized for that. My daughter never says she is sorry. I have forgiven myself with Gods help. She has never owned up the the stress and pressure she has put on me. One major thing she has done is let my granddaughter read Text I wrote to her at a very young age of 10 and 11 years old. I told her she needed to seek help meaning counseling because a healthy person does not carry grudges for years against for instance me as well as others. Of course a ten year doesn’t understand and the Mother doesn’t explain what she knows I was talking about. I could go on and divorce is involved also. Also turning that child against said child’s father and grandparents. Some has improved but not a lot. I have learned to accept the estrangement but I don’t like it. I have let God lead me to do what is right and I pray everyday about it. But it will not ruin my happiness! Thanks for hel
This video as with all Sheri’s work has helped me to further release all the pain, frustration, and negative self-talk around my son’s estrangement. There likely may not be full closure but I am learning to gain courage and empowerment from knowing we are all connected and many of us have had to confront this outrageously difficult and often twisted situation and we can love ourselves and eachother and not give in to anger, shame, blame or any of the traps that bitterness can create. It has been about 8 years now of firstly being in shock and disbelief then pleading for our relationship back and then the anger with life that this could happen to good, devoted, loving parents, etc. etc. Now I accept it and understand the injustice of it but it is more manageable thanks to Sheri, her amazing books, and all of you here sharing so much which has helped me to know I am not alone. Deepest thanks to you all.❤️
Thank you for your insights… they are very helpful. I understand that my son has issues I cannot fix and as much as it hurts my heart I want to sever the fragile and intermittent relationship I have with him. He is an amazing human and yet his issues with me are ongoing and toxic. I would be ready to do this but it would mean severing any potential to see my grandkids ( ages 3 and 5) whom I see very seldom as he has strict boundaries when I can see them. I am hanging by a thread so I can continue to see my grandchildren and the thread is getting more frayed. I don’t know how to reconcile my feelings of wanting to stop this abusive and toxic cycle with my son and yet accepting any crumbs so I can get to see my grandkids.. I feel conflicted and stuck. As a retired therapist I know my choices ( clarity) but as a hurting mom I am not sure how to let go..
Sheri,
Since my estrangement from my children, I now am clear on what I will and will not accept in my life. I know there are two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth.
But I refuse to continually fight to be heard, and I refuse to continually defend myself to those that choose one story over another. Since my estrangement, I have become very active in my community, pursued education, more importantly, I have allowed myself to live. I choose to live my life in the fullest possible extent and be happy. It’s not to say I don’t miss my children because I always will, but I refuse to continue to live in despair and sadness while they too move on with their lives.
Unfortunately, we have a choice to either wallow in the pain and agony of estrangement or like a phoenix, rise above and fly again. I choose to fly.