Estranged parents’ dilemma: A Different definition of “communication”
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Estranged parents’ dilemma: A different definition of “communication”
One subject comes up frequently in discussions about estranged relationships with children—communication.
Your estranged adult children may never or seldom talk to you. Or you’re involved in one of the so-called “truthful” or “honest” relationships some adult children say they want—but end up being anything but. The “honesty” only flows one way. The adult children speak, dictate, and critique, while parents are expected to absorb, apologize, and agree. Only their “truth” is acceptable. Estranged parents are often confused by this behavior and feel troubled about what to do. Continue the painful interaction and suffer consequences to physical and mental health? Or, ask for more fairness and be cut off?
We’ve all heard the thought that “communication is key.” This relationships message is everywhere. The idea is that if you talk openly and listen well, relationships thrive. But this only works when all parties commit to the same terms. In estranged relationships with adult children, if communication happens at all, it’s often one-sided. That doesn’t fit what most of us always learned about communicating to build relationships, which is that it’s a two-way street.
When only one voice counts, is there a real relationship? Read through some of the common scenarios of estranged relationships with adult children and conclude for yourself.
The initial break
- Adult children: Stop answering calls, block numbers, walk away.
- Parents: Reach out, worry, frequently blame themselves.
The silence itself is the message: “I’m done.” But parents aren’t given the chance to speak or understand.
The verbal beat down
Sometimes, there’s a wave of contact, not for reconciliation, but for reproach. The parent gets a list of everything they did wrong, often going back decades. The “communication” consists of name-calling, blame, and even character assassination. It’s less about working things out and more about cutting the parent down. Frequently, a final dictate clarifies their true intent: Don’t try to communicate. I will not read or reply to you. In other words, they want the last word.
The “reconciliation”
If estranged adult children reconnect, it’s often offered only on their terms. Parents may be told: “Don’t ask questions. Don’t bring up the past. Just move forward.”
Translation: Communication is welcome — as long as it flows from one direction.
Parents are left wondering what went wrong. How can they be sure they won’t inadvertently trigger another estrangement? It’s the old W.O.E. (walking on eggshells), and with little to no communication, they don’t know where it’s safe to step.
False hope
Frequently, parents look back on what they thought were moments of connection and see them differently. When the adult child asked about family health history, it was a way to gather useful information before moving on. That cheerful visit before a financial request? Just a softener toward a selfish plan. What once felt like hope is later seen as a setup.
Shifting identities
Sometimes, a parent tries to reconcile with an adult child they find out is living under a different name and gender. Reasonable people would agree that, after using one name for decades, that old name might roll off a parent’s tongue. . . . A human mistake—seized upon by the transgender adult child as a reason to estrange. If parents try to explain and ask for empathy, they’re ridiculed and silenced.
“Honest” relationships
A couple in their seventies accepts their adult child’s request for an “honest” relationship. The problem? The adult child speaks freely, while the parents tiptoe around, worried they’ll lose the tenuous threads of a relationship they’re forging with grandchildren under fire. They’ve experienced the wrath of a disagreed-upon move or thought. The stress in these estranged relationships with adult children and grandchildren is damaging to their health and psyche.
Adult education
Sometimes, adult children seek to “educate” their elders about religion or politics. Every visit becomes a lecture. Any disagreement is labeled ignorance, bigotry, or hate. The parents learn to nod and smile just to keep the connection. They wonder, is it worth the pain?
The therapy trap
Even when it comes to family counseling, parents frequently tell me they’re instructed to listen, validate, and empathize—not to speak their own truth. Therapy becomes another space where their voice doesn’t count, their humanity is ignored, and the “communication” remains one-sided.
Ageism at work
There’s another layer at play: ageism. In today’s culture, older adults are often dismissed with a smirk or an “okay, boomer.” Their thoughts are branded irrelevant. Their opinions, explanations, or defenses go unheard.
This cultural backdrop doesn’t disappear in estrangement—it intensifies. Parents are almost always blamed. Even experts often slip into assumptions: “They just won’t accept their child’s lifestyle or identity.”
The reality? Many parents try. They stumble, they learn, they say they’ll accept. But tolerance isn’t enough when adult children demand not just acceptance but total agreement — with no room for confusion, questions, or the parent’s own beliefs. The sage and well-tried “agree to disagree” stance, which can preserve love and allow people to get along, just isn’t allowed.
Negative stereotyping fuels the problem. Older people are painted as rigid or unworthy of being heard. As I explore more deeply in Beyond Done With The Crying: More Answers and Advice for Parents of Estranged Adult Children (2021), even elder abuse — which includes keeping older parents from grandchildren — is well known but not prioritized by public health in the way other forms of abuse are.
When society discounts the aged, their voices are quieted. Estranged parents experience this in their most personal relationships as well as culturally.
The truth about communication
Healthy communication requires that both parties count. That means:
- Two voices
- Mutual respect
- Room for differences of opinion
Research confirms what many estranged parents already feel. When one side dominates and the other appeases, the result isn’t resolution. It’s stressful, lowers self-esteem, and worsens relational health.1,2,3
For estranged parents, the hard reality is that communication, as the memes and experts preach it, isn’t always possible. The often promoted fix for relationships becomes another way parents are silenced, blamed, or dismissed.
Food for thought
Have you mistaken one-sided exchanges for genuine connection? Consider:
- Do you find yourself silenced, walking on eggshells, or fearful of saying the wrong thing?
- What would true communication look like for you?
- If your reality doesn’t match how you defined true communication, what would you call the exchange that takes place? Frustrating? Long-suffering? Hell on Earth?
Once you see clearly: What next?
Clarity is freeing … and it raises a hard question: Now that I see this for what it is, what do I do?
Here, I’m not going to advocate for a particular answer. Situations are unique, and I understand the complexities. I’m not in favor of accepting or enabling abuse. I also know that some parents aren’t willing to recognize abuse for what it is. Sometimes clarity comes in stages, or they decide to allow abuse for now, for reasons they define. No matter the level of abuse, parents need to be aware of the risks of continued stress on their physical and emotional health—and at least make decisions to mitigate those risks.
For many parents, the mind keeps replaying old conversations, imagined reconciliations, or “if only” scenarios that keep them stuck and hurting. If your thoughts loop this way, my new book, Rumination Remedies: Free Your Mind from Worry, Regret, and Racing Thoughts offers simple, neuroscience-based tools and gentle practices to quiet your mental noise, calm your negative self-talk, and reclaim your peace. Communication may not be possible with them … but you can learn to communicate well with yourself–and Rumination Remedies will help.
Some parents protect themselves by setting limits on exposure, preparing emotionally for the criticism, and refusing to absorb every cutting word as truth. They may stay present for the sake of grandchildren, but they learn to better balance that contact with self-care and supportive friendships, as well as inner and outer boundaries.
Others recognize that the cost is too high. If every contact leaves you doubting yourself, or erodes your health, then stepping away — temporarily or permanently — can be the healthiest choice. Many grandparents decide it’s better for their grandchildren too.
Weigh it out:
- What do you gain from staying engaged?
- What does it cost you — emotionally, physically, spiritually?
- If you choose to stay, how will you guard your well-being?
- If you choose to step away, what will you cultivate instead?
I offer more in-depth exercises and strategies for weighing these choices in my books, especially Beyond Done With The Crying (2021), which goes further into negotiating relationships, protecting your dignity, and reclaiming your life. (Right now, the audiobook is available at half price through October 3, and the print edition is reduced.
Final word
If you’ve tried to “communicate” and have been shut down, count yourself among the masses. Don’t second-guess what you’re experiencing. Communication only heals relationships when it goes both ways. Otherwise, it’s not a mutually respectful and caring dialogue. It’s a series of demands.
In estranged relationships with adult children, even your best intentions may be twisted into efforts worthy of blame and silence. Remember those definitions are twisted, and don’t erase your sincerity or worth. You still have the power to grow, to connect, and to thrive. As I remind readers in Beyond Done, healing doesn’t come from chasing adult children or communication that goes nowhere, but from reclaiming your own voice and dignity.
Work at finding places and groups where your voice is heard and you feel safe. Cultivate meaning, connection, and joy. Communicate to yourself this important fact: You’re worth your own best efforts. You count.
Related:
Should I keep up the painful visits?
Heartbroken parents: Are you to blame?
Parents in estranged relationships with adult children: The River of shared compassion
About the statue in the image above this blog post:
“Die Lauschenden (“The Listeners”) by Karl-Henning Seemann — part of a group of statues in front of Freiburg’s University of Music, symbolizing attention, listening, and the arts. Learn more about the artist/the art: File:DieLauschenden-01.jpg – Wikimedia Commons
Karl-Henning Seemann – Wikipedia
References
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745.
Schrodt, P. (2014). Communication in stepfamilies: Coparenting and communication as predictors of relational satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 31(6), 808–829.
Nelson, T. D. (2016). Promoting healthy aging by confronting ageism. American Psychologist, 71(4), 276–282. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0040221
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31 thoughts on “Estranged parents’ dilemma: A Different definition of “communication””
This article just ticked off all the boxes as to what my husband and I have been going through. When our daughter came to our house almost a year ago and told her Dad his sins (by proxy, because her husband didn’t have the guts to say these things himself) I would not tolerate this petty fault-finding. She tried to shut me down and would not let me speak. Because I would not go along with their narrative, we went into full on estrangement this summer. We’ve gone over it in our heads and after apologizing and trying to make peace, WE ARE DONE. She thinks we will eventually cave because the grandsons are being withheld but we can’t take the one-sided, lack of accountability anymore. She told me years ago her husband was jealous of her Dad. I blew it off because I didn’t think he’d blow up our family. He blew up our family. She can choose him but we don’t have to. Being around negative, fault-finding, insecure, lying, manipulative people….nope. DONE. We hope our grandsons find us someday. We tried mending this fence to no avail. You cannot sell your soul to please these people, even if it means being cut off of grandchildren. They will never be pleased and you must realize this. God sees all and will work it out in His own way. I pray the boys will not be screwed up from all of this. Thank God my husband and I are a united front. He didn’t want to believe she could be this way. He finally saw and it’s painful. At least our son wasn’t pulled to the dark side. He and his girlfriend are the bright spot. We haven’t discussed this with him yet. We think his sister tried to sabotage our relationship with him and he hasn’t forsaken us. But I told him a month ago it’s time he heard what has transpired and why. He’s in for a shock. Daughter already tried to pull her aunt (husband’s sister) over to her side and told her version. When her Dad told his sister his version, it was quite a different story and she was shocked. The truth always comes out. This article was so spot on it’s uncannily accurate. It’s like you experienced it. I know we are not perfect people but we cannot fix their dysfunction.
This helped me – thank you for your words. My husband and I are new to this with my only son. His 2 adult sons are comforting, and we choose to place our energies there.
I share your pain. I was estranged from both of my children, my daughter and I reestablished our relationship but she is more distant now. I have two grandchildren that I have never seen, I have lived in NC for 20 years and she has only come to see me three times. I have not seen either of them for six or seven years. I have not see my oldest grandchild since he was seven. He is now 13. She has had two more children who are very young, two and six montha that I have never seen except in pictures.
I was very good mother, I was kind, I never yelled at them, I did not over react. They felt free to talk to me. I always made the greatest birthday, Halloween and Christmas parties for them. All of their friends were welcome in our house and were often at the table with us for dinner. I made them chocolate cakes. You name it, I tried to do it. I was unfailingly kind. I had grown up with an abusive mother and I was determined to avoid the worst ways of my mother and my father, who was an alcoholic but also a great person when he was not drinking.
My son began to gravitate to some of my fellow teachers after we moved to NC, especially after His father began drinking again and committed suicide, he had been disabled by Agent Orange exposure. My son’s attitude towards me changed and her became very dismissive of me and spent a lot of time with other families that wee my “friends”, leaving me alone at home by myself, even on Holidays. There were so many sorrows,
I had suffered a TBI from a car accident three months earlier and , my best friends daughter committed suicide, my husbands best friend died of lung cancer, my son overdosed on dramamine and my husband shot himself five days before Christrmas. all withing less than one yerar/ I moved to take a teaching position in NC becaused I realized that my husband could no longer support us.
I became the villain. My husbands mother and siblings family refused to speak to me, they would not allow even a conversation with my son. My own family were very mean, I had three siblings and they all ghosted me. The only “family” that I had was my ex-husband’s and they were very kind to me. Now since my daughters grandparents died, not so much. After my husbands death my siblings never spoke to me again. I sweat that I did nothing to them. it was due to my mother’s estate which they cheated me out of.
My son got married and did not tell me. My daughter got pregant and did not tell me for quite a while. She had a miscarriage and did not tell me. She got pregant again and did not tell me. My son did not invite me to his wedding, but he invited his half brother, my daughter, and all of his “friends”, the families that he had spent a lot of time with. I was not included or informed. After my husband killed himself, my son’s grandparents never spoke to him or me again, he was thirteen when that happened. He is now 34. the woman that he married dislikes me very much and my daughter’s husband is possessive and does not want anyone around her and the grandchildren. I know that he does not even want me to see my two youngest. grandchlldren.
There are times when I have been suicidal myself but I always say to myself “You will fill better in 24 hours and I wait and I do feel better. Over the years I have cried a river, but i know that I do not deserve this. All I ever really wanted was a happy family who got together for dinner and were kind.
My heart is broken. I love kids. I loved my family, I did my best. After I had my TBI, I did know it and my behavior was erratic and I was severely depressed and had cognitive issues. I lost my professorship thanks to some negative actions of my “friends”. While I still had medical insurance. I sought professional help. I went to a psychiatrist, voccational rehabilitation, therapists, doctors, group therapy and grief workshops to try to mend myself. I went througfh my savings and I was broke with a mortgage to pay. I took all kinds of menial work for at least six years years. It was all so overwhelmin. I did my best. In spite of my disability, which was not diagnosed for four years, I wrote a grant and brought 35K into our department and I recruited 35 students into a new program, under graduate and graduate. which I developed in spite of these issues/
Some of the professors, all women, played games and pulled tricks on me to discredit me and which caused me to lose my job. I was denigrated and called paranoid before I lost my position. I do not know if I will ever be able to get past these things, even though I am in a loving relationship and still live in my house as I managed to continue to pay the mortgage by working low wage part time jobs for many years. I even had to go to the Food Banks. I got in debt, but, finally. I have been able to pay off my debts, keep my home, buy food etc.
I have to move on but it has been twenty years and I cannot forgive these people. I experienced so much pain and betrayal. I wracked my brain to find out why these people, my family and my own children were so cruel.
I just want to see my new grandchildren. I love children very much. I am really good with kids. I still feel sad when I think of them and what I am missing out on. I was always all about family, because my own childhood was so grim. I just decided that I have to overcome this pain and move on. I am 77 years old and I feel sad thinking about never seeing my son again and never meeting my grandchildren. My husband’s mother-in-law accused me of murdering my husband. The very day he died and was being taken out on a gurney, his stepmother grilled about how much money did i receive from selling my house did I have and so forth.
Unfortunately, all of this is true, I did not make it up, I am not a bad person. I still carry my sisters and brother’s pictures with me everywhere. My sisters did not tell me when my brother died and neither did they tell me that my mother had died. They manipulated me to take my inheritance from me and my children.
You know we ask ourselves, Why? Why? Why?
what did I do to deserve this. I never thought that it would be this way.
I learned this, the person closest to the one who commits suicide is
blamed and it is not their fault.
My son started dating a girl who began to cause chaotic scenes whenever she was around, always ending with my son calling me a few days later to somehow blame me for her behavior. I got the verbal beat down, was called toxic and narcissistic, and watched my son turn into a cold emotionless thing who had no feelings or use for me. It seemed effortless for him to simply dump me. When my younger son, husband and everyone else in the family tried to defend me and question him, he cut them off too. I tried everything I could think of to repair our relationship, texts, invitations, letters, therapy, apologizing over and over. Nothing ever worked, because I was always set up to fail. Interacting with them was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, it felt like constant manipulation and gaslighting and I thought I was going insane. There was zero reciprocity and zero warmth and love. I finally gave up.
My estranged daughter is the perpetual victim and every victim needs a villain. She’s decided that villain is me. I wish it was as easy as walking on eggshells around her, but it’s more like navigating mine fields.
She never contacted me when she gave birth to my grandson. What did I do that was so horrible? I wrote a note to my grandson’s other grandmother before he was born. Just a short note to introduce myself. His other grandmother wrote back right away thanking me for reaching out. But my daughter was furious for not respecting “boundaries.” Eventually, my daughter did let my husband and I see our grandson for a few quick visits with others present so she would have a “safe space.” My husband is very ill and my daughter now calls every week, but she won’t let us visit our grandson. Even when I tell her I’ll respect her need for a “safe space” from me and I’ll just drop my husband off at her house to see his grandson, she puts me off (which means no). I love my daughter dearly, but I’ve decided that after my husband passes I’m going to cease contact with her. I have nothing to lose as I have no relationship with my grandson. It will feel so good to end the hurt and humiliation I’ve put up with so that my husband can have some contact with her.
Don’t allow them to breadcrumb you, know your worth – you teach people how to treat you!!!
Hi Everyone,
Thank you Sheri for your books and newsletters – and thank you everyone for your comments!
I have read and re-read the books, newsletters, and comments for several months and they have helped me adjust to having an ES.
My heart is still broken and I still cry in the shower but I am coping better than I was. When our son left us on 5/22/24, he said to me “I am never talking to you again.” I think I was in shock for a while. I cried and was nauseated for three days.
I did have a part in this as I was rather cranky in May 2024. I was stressed and overwhelmed by several factors at the time.
Luckily our son texts my husband (his dad) on a rare occasion. So at least every month or so I know our ES is okay.
I pray for all of us and I hope it helps!
Dear Sheri,
This article really resonated with me!
It’s been over 14 years since we’ve had any contact with my ED. My husband and I have learned to accept things as they are, and build a good life together. But of course there’s that void that will probably never be filled; and some days, it still hurts like hell.
I recently read a book suggesting parents write an amends letter if they are interested in reconciliation. Well, yes, I am interested—but… As I was writing and rewriting the letter again and again, searching once more for the “perfect” words, the “perfect” tone, etc, I began to notice former feelings of anxiety and fear returning. I finally asked myself, “What is best for US? Do we REALLY want to reestablish communication?”
Your article perfectly described, the abusive, unforgiving, one-way street our relationship with our ED had become.
I am also reminded that our daughter knows where we live, she has our email addresses and phone numbers, and we told her—multiple times—that we were sorry, we loved her, and that our door was always open. In contrast, she blocked us from phone, email, and all social media and told us we were not to contact her unless we renounce our “narrow-minded Christian values” and admit we abused her by raising her in a God-honoring home.
Thanks for reminding me that we matter too! Despite how much we love her and want reconciliation, we have chosen to preserve our own mental and physical health, to allow ourselves to live our own “authentic” lives, and to simply be grateful for all the blessings we do enjoy.
Hugs to you and all the hurting parents out there.
Hi Sherie. Your thoughts and comments in this newsletter are spot on. You obviousky get similar stories over and over again. My daughter considers me Narcissistic, toxic, controlling etc. All terms she has got from Therapists, or social media. My daughter has been estranged for 10 years now. For the first 5 years I battled this on my own until I discovered your books and this website. Thankyou Sherie for being there for us. Elaine
I often “walk on eggshells” when I’m with my daughter-in-law. I believe she encouraged our daughter to estrange back in 2021. At that time our daughter was in a cannabis-induced psychosis: she was delusional, hallucinating, and was hospitalized three times. My DIL didn’t honor my place as our daughter’s mother. She did everything to take over instead.
How do I deal with her? I regulate my emotions with her by maintaining a calm demeanor. I try to be helpful if I can. Our DIL needs power and control more than I do, and I give it to her if it really doesn’t matter in that particular situation. However, I won’t tolerate disrespect. I have a pretty good idea of how to communicate with her.
What would true communication with her look like? At some point I’d love to have a very, very long forthright conversation with our DIL about events that occurred in 2021 which led to our daughter’s estrangement. Our therapist suggested that my DIL and I write letters to each other about things that transpired back then. So that’s what we’ve done. Why we couldn’t just talk about these things is hard to understand, because even though I’m a fairly quiet person I have good communication skills. What I’ve learned through the letter writing is that our DIL failed to understand our daughter’s condition back and still doesn’t acknowledge the medical providers’ diagnosis. She didn’t understand, or want to learn about, our family’s relationships with one another. She chose instead to be the smartest person in the room, rather than listen to me, my husband, her own husband (our son), and health care providers. And she ignored medical research articles on the subject of CIP and false memories.
It is especially moving today to see the comments. I have fallen back into “if-only” thoughts after ten years of silence. I believe healing is possible ….with or without my estranged loved one. I utter wise things like “God loves her better than I can,” but I forget that God loves me too.
My granddaughter turned 13, a particularly vulnerable time.
I give up on trying to understand.
It has been over 8 years since I have had any communication with my daughter and 9 years since I have seen her. She will be 40 years old in January.
Before this I thought we had a great father daughter relationship. I believe she was diagnosed as bipolar.
I have tried reaching out in numerous ways. No response.
I could go where she lives or track her down somewhere, but I am afraid she will hurt herself. I could not live with that.
I ask her sister how she is doing maybe 2 times a year. I don’t wanted my youngest daughter think I only get with her to talk about her sister.
My ex-wife is no help.
My daughter was living with her until about 3 years ago. Her mom bought another house so she got an apartment. No one told her address but the Internet provides lots of information so I know where she lives. It is a newer apartment building so I know housing is great. I could go there but again I am afraid she will hurt herself.
I now text her a few times a year.
I am at the point of giving up. No one has offered to talk to her about this.
She has no contact with my wife or anyone on my side of the family. She has never been close with her sister. Her sister would just be in the middle and like I said I don’t was that.
Just venting. My heart aches. I am now almost 65. Both my parents died at 66.
The entire article struck a chord with me. I walked on eggshells for ten years with my older daughter until I could no longer handle it. The stress from the constant fear of saying the wrong thing was taking a severe toll on my mental and emotional health. I never knew what to expect whenever we got together; whether it would be fun and pleasant or whether I would be a punching bag. I finally decided to end the cycle. My heart aches, and I miss my daughter, but we could not continue like that. It is toxic. Thank you for these wise words; they really help me stay focused!
For some reason, when I read in the article that keeping grandchildren from grandparents is elder abuse, I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally someone has spoken what I sincerely believe. I adore my grandson, who is nine years old, and who I used to have a loving relationship with. I write stories for him, send him cards, presents, and money, and hear nothing from his parents. For all I know, he never sees these things; the stories and cards may be ripped up, the money taken by the parents, the presents thrown in the trash or given to Goodwill. THIS IS ABUSE. I love that child with all my heart and my estranged daughter knows it. I think she takes great satisfaction in keeping him away from me.
BTW, her therapist told her I was a narcissist. The therapist never met me, never contacted me, just slapped a label on me from what my daughter said. And of course my daughter was telling the whole truth, right? Nothing about her own abusive behavior, just “mine”.
Thank you Sheri. It really comforts me to know there are people like you to help me deal with this shocking aspect of my life. I still can’t believe I’m living with this relationship ( my daughter) and her hateful words and cruel actions towards me. I have finally realized that our relationship is not valuable to her. But I remain valuable and one person in the world can not take that away from me even if she is family.
The only communication I have with my son is email. I call and leave him phone messages if I deem it important, but he never picks up. One time I called from a number he never saw before, and he picked up. Wow what a message I got from this behavior. I am lying to myself if I think we are coming out of estrangement.
I have gone NC with my estranged daughter. Probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but I had to spare myself the crushing pain of every contact being fraught with danger.
I refused to play her game and apologise for whatever grievances she had. I still don’t know what they were as I should “just know” what I did???
My final words were of love, time and an open door whenever or if ever she chooses to use it.
I know it’s not for everyone, but I don’t have to live in emotional pain and turmoil every day.
It hurts, like now as I write this, when I think of her but day to day, but overall it’s for the best for me to be able to breathe.
Scott P., me too—after my 43YO daughter published libelous and hurtful things about me (and about her dad, from whom she estranged herself about a decade ago, as well as others in her extended family who have only treated her with kindness), I explained to her that I’ve been walking on eggshells for 20 years with her, her words and acts have been unacceptable, and that this public libel is the final straw. My last words, like yours, Scott P., were loving ones, and to sincerely wish her well in the future.
I also changed my will to leave the estate to trusted institutions I have volunteered with and donated to over the years.
It is frankly such a relief not to have to dread the phone call or email or text from her, never knowing what awful thing she will say or do, having to tense up and be sure to watch every word for fear of her reactions. She always had to “express herself” and “be herself” regardless of anyone’s feelings; that speaking her truth was used to bash and insult other people, who never got to be themselves or speak their truth or express themselves. No wonder she has no friends.
If it hadn’t been for Sheri’s books I would never have had the courage to stand up for myself and say “no more attacks on me.” Going no-contact has been a relief because it has made space in my life for constructive and happy times without fear of her. Thank you, Sheri.
Thank you for this article, it expresses clearly what I think and feel. It seems to be about power, the adult child using his or her power to hurt you. My estranged daughter had a baby two days ago, my first grandchild. She told others that I am not welcome to see the child. The pain is acute. The only communication I’ve had with her in 6 years was when I finally got her address, I sent her a birthday card. She ripped it up in small pieces, put it in the envelope and sent it back to me with some nasty words written on the envelope. That is hatred. Sometimes I think people just have hate inside them and they choose some target for it, regardless of whether the target deserves it. I’m grateful for this input from this website. Life is so painful. I wish there was more love.
If you are walking on eggshells you are suffering a form of abuse. Years were spent doing this until the shells were pulverized. There has to come a point where you say “enough” or you will suffer emotionally and physically. Our lives are too short, emotional or physical abuse should never be tolerated. Thank you Sheri for all you sage words and explanations.
I never thought of WOE as a form of abuse. Yes, my husband and I have been walking on eggshells since my son was about 10 yrs old. Now that he estranged from us since his disastrous wedding day (yep-his wedding day!) I have given so much thought to the many years of WOE and we are done with that. That part is a relief. We are still in shock and feeling traumatized.
I cannot thank you enough Sheri. Your write about me . You write about my daughter. Each time I read your words you build my confidence that was almost taken from me. Gas lighting has been my daughter’s forte. In your last book you touch on personality disorder which has explained so much to me. I thoroughly recommend it. Thank you.
Those two – the initial break and the verbal beat down – spot on. 9-10 years ago, an email list of things that were wrong about us which mostly amounted to ‘you cared too much’ and finished off with I don’t want to communicate for ‘the a while’. Boundary accepted except to send birthday and Christmas cards, with no expectation of a return. 9 years on and nothing. Finally can really see that it was not us – a manipulative partner (and her mother) succeeded in isolating our son from all his family, all his friends, every bit of life pre the partner. And he allowed it, and has never had the courage or humility or compassion to reach out. I’m seeing more sites speaking up for parents, thank goodness. Maybe it’s the algorithms. I spent too long googling things like ‘controlling mother’, ‘narcissistic mother’, ‘toxic parents’ trying to understand so as to be able to take responsibility if he ever reached out. He hasn’t, but I know that I am none of those things I googled. Sheri, thank you for helping me accept and live a good life.
Very helpful comment. I can totally relate. Thank you
To tell you the truth, I feel relieved that we are no contact now. I tried all the advice by “ experts” on the internet and it just fed my identical twin daughter’ egos. 20 years of verbal abuse by them, and I kept making excuses. Then the last straw after years of ghosting and more, and I realized: they are 36 and there are no excuses left to make.
There are so many more influences on our children out there than simply parents. I have blocked them and wish them all the best.
This article really helped. Our ES said he wanted no contact with us, but he is the one who sends texts. Why? We didn’t respond, what was the point? To open things up again and start down a rabbit hole? Not willing to do that anymore. When we didn’t respond he had something to say about that too. Wow! He called me all sorts of things…controlling, narcissistic, toxic… but my husband and I have not reached out to him and have respected his request for no contact. Looks like we can see who is actually trying to control.
Your emails are life giving in my time of need, and of course God. Thank you for reading my mind it seems
Before I was dumped again, I had one ED asking about family history and her childhood history. I was so very on guard and distrustful because I knew she ostracized me in the past and did not respect me. An example of one-sided communication.
I was troubled that entire last go round from the ED. Something was off and I had no trust based on her past behaviors. It was troubling and confusing.
Reading this about parents being asked for family history information before being dumped just clicked this time. Yes, I think that was what she was doing – getting ready to go full on no contact this time. And it was always one sided, as in I walked on eggshells, and she said anything she wanted.
Thank you so much for this powerful message! Yes, communication has to go two ways to work. I heard a saying the other day (sorry I can’t remember where) “If you walk on eggshells, you will only end up with broken eggshells.” I really liked this because I have walked on eggshells for so long and I think it made things worse not better.
I also found myself thinking that if I can just say things right, she will understand and meet me halfway. Then I realized that this is what I always thought about my ex-husband. It was a physically, verbally, emotionally, mentally, abusive relationship. This correlation led me to the realization that my daughter is also being abusive towards me.
My son-in-law says outrageous things sometimes. During the height of COVID he was explaining to me how it was better for people over 60 to die from COVID than to keep our young people out of school. Later I mentioned to my daughter that he might want to consider his audience when sharing this type of opinion. She responded that this was not what he meant. He just has trouble finding the right words. But she couldn’t explain what he meant either.
I have lots of examples when they say something and later tell me, “I never said that” By the end of my marriage I knew one of us was crazy, but I wasn’t sure if it was him or me. I now firmly know it was him (accepting that it takes two to argue). I was starting to feel this way in conversations with my daughter but did not want to go so far as to say it was abusive. I could not accept that she was abusive towards me. If she ever speaks to me again, I would like a firm boundary around communication.
Warm Regards
Hopeful
Thank You Beautiful Sheri…So Appreciate your words…As thoughts on Communication are entwined with Rumination (thoughts about past…present…future…”shoulda-coulda-woulda”…guilt…longing…etc. (lots of etc.).
I will use this Post as a “Go-To” Reference Point when Rumination & longing for Communication arises. (I liken it to the analogy of a “safety belt” to keep me Safe and prevent me from driving my Empathy car off the cliff.)
As per u-su-al…Beloved Beautiful Sheri… ”PAR EXCELLENCE”…
Also…Thank You To Each Of You That Share Their ♥’s…
♥In Divine Friendship & Gratitude♥
C.A.
♥May Beloved Beautiful Sheri & Each Beloved One In this Online Healing Community Be Blessed In Body…Mind…& Spirit♥
Thank You!