Parents in estranged relationships with adult children: The River of Shared Compassion
Parents in estranged relationships with adult children: The River of Shared Compassion
by Sheri McGregor, M.A.
Parents deeply hurt by estranged relationships with their children can feel like bystanders to life, watching in isolation from a lonely, barren shore as the river of life rushes by. They sometimes arrive at this website in a state of shock, amazed to discover they aren’t alone at all. The truth is, all around the world, countless parents are affected by similar heartache.
I sometimes think of parents’ collective grief like a river that stretches around the globe. It’s fed by the streams of our individual sorrow but, as parents gather and encourage one another, they add tributaries of hope, kindness, and resilience. And in their sharing, something extraordinary happens: the river of sorrow becomes a restorative current.
Healing from estranged relationships
Research shows that turning our thoughts compassionately toward others, even strangers we may never physically meet, creates real and measurable changes inside us. That’s one of the strengths of a website such as this, where people who empathize with our pain, and whom we can relate to in theirs, join together as if at the river’s edge. When we’re focused on kindness, our brains release oxytocin, the emotionally soothing hormone that fosters connection and feelings of safety. Meanwhile, the stress hormone, cortisol, begins to drop. These shifts not only help regulate our bodies but also open emotional pathways for healing. 1, 2
Compassion for others, even when silently offered, changes us. And researchers have found that when individuals receive support, even remotely from someone they don’t know who focuses kind thoughts on them, their biological markers of stress, such as heart rhythms and cortisol levels, improve.3
Compassion-based practices, whether focused on generating goodwill toward others, cultivating self-kindness, or fostering a sense of shared humanity, can physically reshape areas of the brain associated with empathy, resilience, and emotional integration. Studies reveal that after just a few weeks of consistent practice, participants experienced increased life satisfaction and significantly reduced feelings of loneliness and anxiety. These effects have been observed across a range of methods, including compassion-focused therapy, mindful self-compassion, and meditative practices that direct caring thoughts toward others. 4, 5
The healing river is alive with much more than water. It’s woven of the hopes, prayers, and kind thoughts of parents in estranged relationships all around the globe, holding one another in good will. As you read here and tenderly regard others like you, you’re pooling your healing energy into a living current. There’s enough love for us all.
Emerging knowledge of heart-brain coherence and emotional resonance6 suggest that the compassionate focus of many can even create subtle fields of positive energy that ripple outward, affecting whole communities.7 And the principles of Polyvagal Theory show us why: our nervous systems are wired to sense safety and care, even in subtle ways.8
Since I began this website in late 2013, started the free newsletter, formed the community area, and wrote my books, it has been my honor to see more and more parents find their way back from suffering and claim more peace and strength. As you read here today, I know you are wishing other parents well, becoming a part of their healing journey even from afar. And in holding them so compassionately, you help yourself heal too.
Dipping your feet: A reflective compassion-based practice
To more fully immerse in the healing current of parents everywhere, helping and being helped, try this visualization. You’ll need a quiet space where you can close your eyes and feel safe and relaxed. It’s not necessary to memorize the sequence. After reading through it a few times, you’ll recall enough to make it your own. When you go to recreate the images, your mind and heart will embellish them in ways that are meaningful to you. Just remember to include compassion to others and to yourself.
Here are the basic instructions.
Find a quiet, comfortable space and close your eyes. Imagine you are standing barefoot at the edge of a wide, beautiful river that’s clear, cool, and gently flowing. Sit on the bank of the river and dip your feet into the water. Feel its cool, soothing touch, and imagine its energy invigorating you, bringing your estrangement to mind but not overwhelming you with emotion. The water doesn’t wash away the memories, but its gentle urgency helps you to hold them tenderly, easing their harshness … and perhaps, if it feels right, to let them go.
After a few moments of relaxed silence, you notice there are people nearby, also dipping their feet. In fact, all along the river’s winding banks, across valleys and into the distant hills, parents have gathered along the winding river. You may recognize some of them but most of them you don’t know personally. Yet you feel a kindred spirit among them. You recognize their hurt, much like yours, and you sense their kindness. As you sit quietly with the water bathing your feet, you wish each of these people well. Then, with the same compassion and kindness, you wish all that is good for yourself.
The river belongs to all of you, its healing current connecting you, carrying away your isolation, and infusing you with strength. You linger a while, perhaps noticing the sunlight on your arms, the soft rustle of the wind in the nearby trees, or birdsong. As you relax, you relish the parents’ shared spirit of courageous kindness to yourself and to each other.
When you feel ready, you stand, knowing you can dip your feet at any time. And as you walk away, toward your real life, you think of parents in estranged relationships everywhere. These gentle, loving souls weave a beautiful tapestry of healing energy from around the globe. As you imagine their healing, you deepen your own.
More shoulders lighten the load
Healing is lighter when the weight is shared among many. In the membership group, you’ll find lots of parents who offer kindness and practical help in finding strength and witnessing one another’s courage. It’s a safe space for people who care for and understand each other, allowing parents who have been so hurt in their estranged relationships to drop their pretenses, dip their feet in the waters of compassion, and begin to heal. In this steady, supported space, healing flows naturally. There is no pressure to hurry or to do or feel a certain way. If you’re ready to deepen your connection to your own wellness rather than focusing on the sorrow of estranged relationships, consider joining. Even if you don’t join, stick with the site. There is more than a decade’s worth of information in blog postings here to help you move ahead despite the situation.
Related
Estrangement grief: Ripples from the loss we don’t talk about
Should I send this to my estranged adult child?
References:
1. Zak, P. J. (2011). The moral molecule: The source of love and prosperity. Dutton.
2. Carter, C. S. (2014). Oxytocin pathways and the evolution of human behavior. Stress: The International Journal on the Biology of Stress, 17(5), 499–505. https://doi.org/10.3109/10253890.2014.927272
3. Baldwin, M., Schlund, R. J., Field, A., & Smith, C. (2022). The physiological impact of remote emotional support: A randomized controlled trial. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 871063. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.871063
4. Davidson, R. J., & Lutz, A. (2008). Buddha’s brain: Neuroplasticity and meditation. IEEE Signal Processing Magazine, 25(1), 171–174. https://doi.org/10.1109/MSP.2008.4431873
5. Kirby, J. N., Tellegen, C. L., & Steindl, S. R. (2020). A meta-analysis of compassion-based interventions: Current state of knowledge and future directions. Behavior Therapy, 51(5), 686–700. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2019.11.003
6. McCraty, R., & Childre, D. (2010). Coherence: Bridging personal, social and global health. Alternative Therapies in Health and Medicine, 16(4), 10–24. Link to article
7. Nelson, R. D., Radin, D. I., & Bancel, P. A. (2023). Global Consciousness Project findings and interpretations: Field consciousness effects in human systems. Journal of Scientific Exploration, 37(1), 75–94. https://doi.org/10.31275/20233133
8. Porges, S. W. (2021). Polyvagal safety: Attachment, communication, self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
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15 thoughts on “Parents in estranged relationships with adult children: The River of Shared Compassion”
Thank you so much for this wonderful image, Sheri. I have trained in Reiki and Spiritual healing, and it really resonates with me. I can gain so much from sharing compassion with others who are suffering like myself. My only daughter has been estranged for 6 years. I never really understood what I was supposed to have done wrong. There are no grandchildren (which may have contributed to an unhappy situation), but at least I don’t have to suffer the torture of being denied access to them. I nearly died 2 years ago from Peritonitis caused by undiagnosed Diverticulitis, and I also have Non Hodgkins Lymphoma in my bone marrow. I am in a wheelchair, with a stoma bag, and my lovely husband is my full time carer, with 2 sessions of 4 hour respite care per week. My daughter has never paid any attention to this. My thoughts go out to all those who are sadly in the same circumstances xx
Thank you Sheri. It does make me feel like I don’t suffer alone. I gave everything to my 3 children. My eldest son has always been mentally unstable. He is now actually hateful towards me and I have blocked him. I actually fear him. He is supposedly getting counseling however, I think the Internet counseling is only harming him. He is a very narcissistic person. My middle son and I are on semi estranged. He has changed since he married a very emotionally needy and I suspect damaged woman. He used to adore and admire me…but, no more. I only have a good relationship with my youngest ..my daughter. I am seeing a new therapist. She is helping me. But, my heart is and will always be broken. My entire personality has changed. I now lack the ability to feel much joy and don’t see most friends anymore. I just can’t get over crying over how I am living my worst nightmare. I am working on accepting all of it. I have them all such a beautiful life. I will never understand or accept their cruelty towards me. My 38 year marriage is hanging on by a string. I am barely managing. I will keep trying. I have thought many times of the ultimate to end my pain. I won’t because my daughter would suffer. Thank all of you too because I no longer feel the shame.
Absolutely!
Thank you Sheri for making me feel that Mother’s Day will be calm and pleasant. I know we were excellent parents, but our daughter rejected us and moved in with a toxic boyfriend. Both are involved in unsavoury activities online now. After 3 years, I have let go, but my husband still clings to hope. Your river analogy rings true for me. The water flows, life continues to change. We must adapt to our new life. I wish the best for all of you as you embrace your new life.
Thank you for this Sheri. Last year my son got married. He initially invited me and then withdrew the invite. Most of my family went to the wedding without me and told me it was nothing to do with them. In a months time my daughter gets married. I have not been invited. This time all of my family are going. They all know my acute distress and being left out. but wont help or support me as there is a suggestion I have ‘done something’, even though they admit both my children have never told them what it is. My estrangement started when their father walked out after 27 years when I finally had the courage to call out his physical and emotional abuse towards me. He has remarried and his new wife is taking my place. My children have believed ever lie he told them and my family culture of scapegoating me has left me with no sympathy from them. Some are already rewriting history as to how the estrangement has arisen. I am stressed and lonely. I have remarried and my husband fully supports me but the sense of being a freak and reviled has not left me. This meditation and post is something I am going to try to do, to bear the stress of the rejection and loss.
This isn’t just a thank you. It’s the most grateful thankful. For five years ago I was feeling suicidal. I bought every book. Read everything sent to me and it saved my life. It’s almost like to know exactly how I’m hurting and you give me strength I’m much stronger now although I have vulnerable times. One thing I thought of myself that helps is that they are not our babies. When you stop thinking of them that way it becomes a little easier for me anyways. I hope for some of you
Thank you and exactly what I need today. My hope for myself is that I can “let go” and live my best life!
The moment I found your site, Sheri, I felt the load of estrangement lighten. To know, sadly, that there were other parents experiencing the same thing as us made us feel less ‘alone’ in this. It’s been 6 years for us, with a few contacts over the years when he needed something (money), but the brief contacts never lasted. As much as we miss our ES, we’ve pretty much have come to accept that we won’t have a relationship with him and must continue on with our lives. Thanks for all you do for Estranged Parents.
Thankyou Sheri for the word picture you painted of all us estranged mothers standing bare foot on the riverside. I picture myself standing where the river flows down stream ,taking all my worries and hurt down with it ,and carrying them way out to sea. I feel so much lighter, freer, unburdened as I take in the lovely clean air from my beatuful surroundings. I feel these burdens leaving my body and flow down stream. Feelings of anger, hurt from abuse from my estranged daughter sail down stream far away. I intend to hang on to this feeling of release. Thankyou again Sherie for this inspiration . Elaine
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Thank you so very much for your wonderful work and words if wisdom.
Thank you, sending love and hugs to all .x
Thank you for sharing this healing river
analogy, it’s given me calm…❤️
My heart is so broken that I just don’t how to function daily. I have 4 children, 10 grandchildren, and from what I’ve been told 4 possibly a fifth soon of great grandchildren that have never seen. My husband died 4 1/2 years ago and my children have not talked to me since. I have 1 grandson and 2 granddaughters who keep touch with me but none of them live close. The man that I married ended up not being the man he professed to be and i didn’t find out until right before he died. How do you recover from that?
This has been incredibly helpful for me , validating my feelings and my decision to let go and finally live for me . Thank you
Thank You