Estrangement grief: Ripples from the loss we don’t talk about
Estrangement grief: The loss we don’t talk about and its ripples
by Sheri McGregor, M.A.
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Parents who are estranged know all too well the difference between gaining support when a loved one dies versus their ending contact while alive. First off, estrangement is tough to talk about. Even when the parent is the one to initiate estrangement from an adult child who is abusive, trying to explain it can be wrought with conflict. No matter who does the estranging, there’s the possibility of judgment or blame, which isn’t typically present in the case of a death. Estrangement grief is a major loss and devastating, but it’s disenfranchised from societal expectations. Support is needed but not as forthcoming or easy to find.
That’s so different from grief that goes with a loved one’s death, where empathy and support are a given. The isolation of estrangement grief is one reason I decided to write and talk about my experiences, and help other moms and dads to realize they are not so alone.
Estrangement grief and secondary losses
As if the isolating bleakness of the situation isn’t traumatic enough, secondary losses that stem from the estrangement multiply the loneliness. These run the gamut from practical items to emotionally wrought shifts in family structure and overall outlook on life. Yet they’re seldom given much attention or called into view where they can be identified, processed, and managed for the parents’ benefit.
One secondary loss I talk about in Done With The Crying (2016) is the fact that my estranged adult child was the tech wizard of the family. When that child grew distant all those years ago, I lost the person I had always turned to for that sort of help. That was a practical loss that rippled from the estrangement. A deeper one was my feeling that I’d lost my identity. If my own child could turn on me, then how could I reconcile the amazing “Earth Mother” of five, as I’d often been called throughout the years, with the rejected mother status the estrangement seemed to define?
Your secondary losses may be laden uncertainties and create massive changes that, unless faced and adapted to, can make your life seem out of control. You can take charge though—and the first step is to take a hard look at how much your life has changed.
Identifying your secondary losses
Here, I’ve assigned a few broad categories that encompass secondary loss. The list is not exhaustive and, in some ways, will be unique to you. I’ve created this visual to illustrate the experience of secondary loss. As you read through the bulleted sections below, consider how your own losses may relate. Take out paper and pen, and create your own lists using these categories and the prompts they include. Broaden to additional categories to represent your experience.
Future Uncertainty: Loss of an expected future with your child as they move through life. You can’t be certain you’ll see your own child for the holidays let alone that you’ll ever see their children—your grandchildren—grow to adulthood. It’s like a veil falls over the once bright days you imagined ahead. Instead you wonder: What’s out there now? With who? And how will it be? What uncertainties do you have about the future now?
Loss of Routines: You miss routines and activities you enjoyed with your adult child. No more sports events together. Or, maybe you lost the partner who went to the gym or played a sport with you—meaning you not only miss the physical/social activity but may not want to do those things with other people or alone (so you miss out on the health/fitness aspect too). What routines have changed for you?
Loss of Tradition: “Who will bake the holiday cookies with me?” laments one grandmother who cherished the four generations who, just last year, gathered in her kitchen—especially since her mother since passed away. Tree-decorating night, attending an annual holiday play, or gathering as a family for a charity 5K are all examples of the lost traditions accentuating estrangement grief. What traditions, whether holiday or not, have gone the way of secondary estrangement grief?
Loss of community or faith: It’s not unusual for parents to leave a church or other community they have loved after estrangement. Perhaps your adult child and his/her family still attend and it has gotten awkward. Or perhaps you expected more support or guidance and feel disappointed in the church (or God). Other “communities” can be disrupted as well, where parents feel embarrassed or forced out. Have you experienced secondary loss related to your spiritual beliefs, religious or other communities? Which? Where? Why?
Loss of Good Standing: Families in business may suffer damaged reputations or no longer feel at ease or revered in their own company—as examples in BEYOND Done With The Crying (2021) detail. Your reputation may suffer within the extended family, in your town, or among mutual acquaintances. Do you feel you have lost status, reputation, or good standing? How? Where?
Loss of Meaning: A common sentiment expressed by parents in their estrangement grief is a feeling that their whole life has been for nothing. Years of focus, effort, love, and money—for what? When the people you love more than anyone hurt you, what was all the striving for? Your sense of purpose can slip away. Do you feel a loss of meaning? How? Why?
Loss of Self: Parents who’ve been forced into hideous situations where they no longer trust a child, no longer want a relationship or, in a dark moment, wonder if their lives would have been better without children at all, often then judge themselves harshly for such thoughts. Or, you might feel like you’ve lost your sense of humor, spontaneity, or fun. Do you feel different? Like you’ve lost yourself? How?
Loss of Trust: In the wake of estrangement, most parents feel less trusting in general. After all, if your own child could betray you, who is safe? Are you less trusting? How has this manifested in your life and outlook?
Secondary losses to estrangement can relate to almost anything: your lifestyle, finances, grandchildren, pets, family traditions, the future. . . .
Secondary losses in estrangement grief: What’s next?
Take your time in considering your secondary losses. These require your attention as much or even more than the primary loss of a loving relationship with your adult child. Contemplate your life since the estrangement began. Journal about your feelings as it relates to loss. Take several days to reflect and add to your list. Just as a crack in the windshield can form legs and spread, so do the losses that stem from estrangement. Bringing them into view is an important step in learning how to best care for yourself in the throes of estrangement grief.
Finding others who understand this unique situation is also beneficial. That’s one function of the Done With The Crying Peer Support Community here at the site. In a members-only environment, parents can talk openly about their circumstances and pain, as well as support one another as they work on ways to move forward for their own well-being.
In a live event on November 25, 2024, we reflected more upon the secondary losses to estrangement, in an innovative way that sparked creativity and fostered parents’ momentum, the focus will, as always, was on parents taking care of themselves, supporting one another, and gaining strength as they learn to live well despite the loss. You can watch the replay for this event by joining the membership peer support community where events take place regularly.
At the very least, subscribe to the free newsletter so you’ll hear about updates here at the site.
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18 thoughts on “Estrangement grief: Ripples from the loss we don’t talk about”
So glad to have found this article. I will be reading your books. It has been a very disorienting and shame drenched two years. Your insights and the diagram really helped today. My identity, future, self-esteem and family standing have all taken blows and I now find I am getting used to being a person and not solely a mother. It is odd. I’ve begun to wonder who I’d be if I’d chosen not to allow an unexpected pregnancy to alter my schooling and young adulthood. Does anyone feel relief that they can finally admit they don’t like to be treated so dismissively and even cruelly? I am finally feeling a sort of guilty relief that I can say to myself, “I don’t deserve this.” I took responsibility right away and made sure my ES knew I was here to talk or work things through. But when only one person comes to the table, I’ve learned from Al Anon to let go and let God. Today it hurts a little less. Tomorrow? I truly can’t say. The grief has its own teeth and claws.
This is the 2nd Christmas without our 19 yr old daughter. After being diagnosed bipolar and BPD, she refused treatment or medication and opted instead to self-medicate with weed and other drugs. Psychotic delusions followed and led to her making false accusations against her best friend, her Dad and then to cut off contact with everyone in her life who expressed concern about her mental health or challenged her role as “victim”. The worst part of this, as others have mentioned, is the ongoing ambiguity and a lack of a framework for how to talk about or deal with this. No one shows up with casseroles and even though it goes on and on and on, it’s not good for me or anyone to keep talking about it forever, even though it’s always present in my mind and heart. It’s SO confusing- I cycle between empathy and worry for her mental illness, anger at what she has done to her sister and the rest of our family, hope when there is some limited communication from her (usually when she wants something), followed by anger when she goes 100% no contact again. It’s exhausting. therapy, meditation, exercise, alanon all help but the pain is excruciating at times.
Hi Sheri. I’m going crazy and don’t know what to do. I learned to cope with my youngest daughter being estranged for seven years. Occasionally I have a phone call out of the blue. It seems hopeful but then I still don’t see her. My mum was very sick this year and 2 months ago she died. My sisters were nasty to me through that and I got to a point feeling very isolated. But I had connection with my eldest daughter and we talked often. I visited her shortly before mum died as she had a miscarriage. I care about her. After I got back mum passed and my sisters continued excluding me. I just wanted to see my daughter and when she visited I was not in best mood because she was going to have dinner with her dad. I felt I really needed time with her, some support in my grief about mum. But she hasn’t spoken to me since then. I feel like I expressed my own need for support and it was taken as being selfish and not caring about her. I am now at a point where my whole life seems pointless. I have a caring partner and one kind relative I trust, my niece. But I am in shock my eldest daughter has followed her sister and estranged and I’m fearful I will never see her again either
Dear Cherie,
You said it: “I’m going crazy,” and “I am in shock,” and “my own need for support.”
These are all telling about your needs right now — to lean into your own self-care and toward those who will be supportive.
You said your daughter took your expression of your own need for support as “selfish and not caring about her.” Well, gosh, sometimes MOM needs support, too. Our lives are not all about the children we raised, who are now adults. You lost your mum, and I know how that feels. You loved your mother dearly ….
My suggestion is that you put all the worries about seeing your daughters again on the back burner for now. Right now, it’s your time to take care of yourself. Allow yourself some space, and rest up a bit. Get local support, too. Trusted friends, perhaps a therapist.
Don’t forget that parents are people too. Please be in your own corner right now. I have this feeling that even in that moment of shock and grief, if you had gone into a serving-daughter mode, she’d have still found something to complain about. Perhaps that sounds harsh but I’ll bet it’s true.
HUGS to you,
Sheri McGregor
This is the worst time of the year for thoughts of my ES. We’re heading into our third holiday season without him and the pangs of his absence feel more painful, more magnified, when it should be a joyous time. It’s also the start of basketball season and we shared such a love of college basketball, rooting on his college team. But it’s too sad for me to have any interest in it anymore. The last time I saw him I held onto his arm and cried and begged him to remember the good times we had. He was just stone cold and emotionless. Like it didn’t mean anything, like we didn’t mean anything. I’ll never ever understand.
I think one ripple effect for me is that I feel “unjustly accused” and that is so unsettling. My estranged daughter’s perspective is almost surreal….no basis in fact anymore. Her accusations are painful and without merit but they cause me to second guess myself and my years of parenting.
However, I have two other daughters that love and respect me so that is very helpful in this journey.
Thank you for these articles…they have been my lifeline.
Sherie. I agree with your comments about grief. The grief from estrangement is often worse than losing a loved one in death. Although with estrangement you can hang on to a slither of hope that things will change you get the judgements of people that you do not get when a loved one dies . You have the self analyses, and as you say so many heart breaking changes in your life with out the explanation that you have when someone dies. Thankyou again for your insightful article
Elaine
Thank you so much for this, Sheri. It’s now been three years since I saw or heard from my daughter and grandchildren and I often think it’s a kind iof bereavement that you get no support with. Also, I’ do find when you talk about it with anyone, which I generally avoid, they try to give advice about how to put things right. So they assume it’s just me that has to do something. That hurts all over again. My daughter has gone so far as to move home, change phone numbers, and delete all social media. She clearly doesn’t want to be found, and yet even now I feel I should explain she also admits we haven’t really done anything wrong, she just wants out.
Hi Sheri,
after yet another dream about my estranged son as a sweet and loving child I wonder how long my subconscious will need to work it through. What do I do with that love in my heart that was there for that child? Direct it to myself or my daughter (who is the first “victim” of her brother’s estrangement)? What triggers these dreams and visions that emerge in the wee hours? I wish I knew, but I try and go with the flow and use them as a learning tool. I no longer sob when waking, knowing it’s all in the past and irretrievable.
But on another level, it is increasingly hard for me to bond or open up to women with sons (all of whom of course have a fabulous relationship with them, and are close and loving *wink*). Living abroad, it’s hard enough to not feel alienated, and this estrangement in the family has added to our “outsider” status. So thank you for all your newsletters and support. As a fellow Californian, I am always soothed by your language and insights.
I find myself alone. I still have my dear brother, but he doesn’t understand. I haven’t told anyone about my daughter finally crossing the line with me, and my final break with her. Financially, she owes me over $150k that I will never see. That’s fine. But I am terrified that my daughter has told my granddaughter lies about me. There has been no contact for 10 months. I feel alone, unworthy and afraid. My health is not well. I’ve made final plans with a trust that leaves everything to my granddaughter. I cannot connect with anyone because I don’t trust anyone, as you have spoken about. My family is gone.
My adult daughter, and I have been joined to the hip up until the last four years. She had moved 2 1/2 hours away to go to school, got a job and stayed there after years of her, encouraging me to move near her. I relented and moved. I have seen her once in the last eight months. She lives 20 minutes away doesn’t return my calls doesn’t answer the phone when I call the times that we have been together. She has been hyper critical of me and I am not allowed to talk about the situation, I don’t mean to sound like I am completely without any fault, however, nothing transpired between us, nothing negative. She is hyper critical when we’re together doesn’t acknowledge me anymore on holidays. It’s such a hurtful situation, albeit confusing. She keeps reminding me that it’s not all about me. I’m just so confused. I don’t understand how this happens. I don’t know anyone else that this is happened to if you could just give some insight. I read the book I’m done with the crying. Of course I’m not done with the crying. She has replaced me with a couple that live across the street from her and they have no children. I read the book I’m done with the crying. Of course I’m not done with the crying. She has replaced me with a couple that live across the street from her and they have big and they’ve no children no children children. Perhaps she doesn’t need me anymore because she has them I don’t know.
Dearest Sheri
Thank you for your article “Estrangement grief: the loss we don’t talk about and its ripples”, which has hit home hard, leading me to examine the ripple losses of being estranged from my daughter and my adored little granddaughter. As you so wisely write, these ripple losses are likely the hardest. I am working on your exercises suggested in your article, allowing the grief to flow. I had been trying to just put these ripple losses aside, but to see them as you suggest is, I know the wisest strategy to move forward. I so thank you for all that you do for us. Blessings, Judith
Estrangement from close family is very sad, & the time cannot be made up, but some situations cannot be resolved. Mediation may help, but only if both parties want that,& are prepared to listen. We’re human beings, not saints.
Sheri–
Thank you and blessings to you for taking the time to go into detail on estrangement. Its such a waste of life for all involved. Ive been in therapy over it for quite awhile. My twin daughters are both “difficult” people (even their husbands words) which make hard to hace relationship with. One we dont hear from and the other lives overseas and not exactly nice at times. Both have spoken so cruel and disrepectfully to me. My prayer is they examine the hearts so long after we are gone they wont have deep regrets for treating and negpecting their parents.
Its the holidays and again, me and my loving husband and doggies make it special, having accepting to the best we can.
We are still alive, God loves and uses us to help and bless others..
Love and healing to all..
Excellent article about digging deeper into the losses that accompany estrangement. I appreciate it. It gives me lots to think about. Thank you Sheri!
This article hits home for me in so many ways right now. I am dreading the holidays with my siblings and their families – fearing we will be judged. Or everyone trying to avoid the elephant in the room which is the absence of our daughter at yet another year of holidays. Your book is amazingly helpful and I’m so glad to know that my feelings are real. It’s been over 2 years since we’ve heard from her. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. BUT I’m slowly learning to cope.
Thank you for being here for so many people.
These do help some in trying to heal . Those that have been through estrangement, especially the pain & heartache felt when a mother is blind-sighted. I just didn’t see it coming. I love my three adult children unconditionally. November 8th, 2020 was the last conversation I had with my son, my firstborn.
This was SO timely arriving in my inbox just now. After 7 years of estrangement from our son, “trolling” his social media that I could access and find out how far down he has slipped morally-which sent me reeling all over again. My daughter has gone dark on me as well the last month-was it because of our differences politically-never seemed to be an issue, but that is what I am thinking. I am beside myself with grief at the loss of both of my kids. (and subsequently grandkids too)