Estrangement: This isn’t the family I planned

Paula enjoyed seeing her friend’s family vacation photos. Still, a knot formed in her stomach at the sight of her friend holding her newest grandchild. “I’m truly happy she has been so blessed,” says Paula. “But my daughter got married without me in the spring, and I recently found out she’s expecting. I don’t think my friend is a better parent than I was. We were both great moms. But here I am all alone.”

Paula’s reaction illustrates what’s known as social comparison theory. First proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger in the 1950s, the basic idea is that we look to other people for information about ourselves. Comparing is common and, depending on whom you compare yourself with and how you interpret the difference, can help or hurt.

Upward comparison

Sometimes, comparing yourself with someone who seems better off spurs envy, discouragement, or thoughts like, “Some people get all the breaks.” In social comparison theory, this is called upward comparison. It can make us feel worse—or, under the right circumstances, awaken a sense of what’s possible: If she could do that, maybe I can too. This sort of upward comparison helps you take courage and step forward despite the estrangement curveball.

Because what most parents seek depends on another adult, estrangement adds complications. Paula couldn’t aspire her way into her future grandchild’s life. That was up to her daughter.

Comparison to point the way

In Done With The Crying, I encourage parents to contemplate inspiring figures who have overcome struggles. People like pioneers who headed into unknown territory in search of a better life. They didn’t know for certain they’d make it or how things would pan out, yet we owe so much to their innovation and willingness to try. Maybe we don’t rush to California in search of gold or keep knocking on the door to a dream like Dr. Seuss with his piles of publishing rejection slips, but we can step bravely into a new phase of life.

In Rumination Remedies, I take that idea further with what I like to call a spirit of “thrival.” Each of us has ancestors who beat odds or else we wouldn’t be here. Members of my Native American family were driven from their homelands on the Trail of Tears. Some died but many survived and endured. I’m living proof. No matter who you are, you’re living proof that your ancestors prevailed. Their creativity, adaptation, and determination to thrive live on in you.

Inspiration comes from historical figures and ancestors, but social comparison theory suggests that comparisons may feel especially relevant when the other person seems a lot like you. That makes the comparison personally relevant. Someone who faced a situation similar to yours and is doing well anyway can make a strong, motivating impression that you’ll get there too.

That’s one reason seeing other parents of estranged adult children moving forward is encouraging. Parents who acknowledge the pain yet are traveling, pursuing interests, and making sound decisions for themselves are relevant examples of what’s possible for you. That’s part of what I intend for parents in my books and in all I create here at the site. Inside the membership, you’ll find people who are struggling and needing support—and also parents who laugh, offer earned perspective, and share ways to live well despite estrangement.

Paula isn’t impervious to reminders of what she lost, but says, “Knowing other moms and dads can have a good life anyway motivates me to work at my own.” That’s estrangement’s version of upward comparison in a nutshell.

When Paula saw her friend’s family photos, she didn’t see her friend as the winner of a parenting contest. She saw a happy family much like she’d imagined for herself.  She longed to be a grandmother and ached for the closeness she had once imagined would continue with her daughter. But she remembered she was a good mother. She also realized she’d reached a turning point. “I could spend the next few years stalking my daughter for grandbaby photos and wishing I could have that life, or I could turn to my new way of life and make it good.”

Making comparison work for you

You don’t have to see someone’s happy family photos and slide into the moody blues. Close-knit families making holiday plans don’t have to send you into hours of rumination over what you don’t get to enjoy or convince you that your life went all wrong. Instead, consider those moments turning points toward new paths of fulfillment and joy.

Life may serve up reminders that tug at your heart, but you can be deliberate about what happens next. Notice where your thinking goes and turn it around. Notice whose presence prompts comparisons that drag you down and try steering the conversations toward something more nurturing. It’s possible the person scrolling to show you her grandchildren’s photos on her phone doesn’t have much else to talk about. Or, she may have chosen a topic she assumed was safe. Maybe you change the subject—to your upcoming trip to St. Croix, the online class you’re taking, or a project you finally have time to pursue. Or even give yourself permission to step away. Sometimes we’re more vulnerable than other times due to time of year or other circumstances. You’re allowed to take good care of yourself.

One mother wrote to tell me she liked my hair and said that seeing me happy and taking care of myself helped her feel sure she could do well, too. That mom used comparison to help herself. And you can too. Estrangement may have altered the family life you planned, but other people can remind you that your life can be good. You won’t have to look far to find people who have started over, adapted to circumstances beyond their control, and faced new life chapters with curiosity and courage. Let their resilience strengthen you.

Related

Estranged parents: What about envy?

Abandoned parents: Comparing doesn’t help

Leon Festinger: A Theory of Social Comparison Process