Estrangement: What’s your costume to help?

by Sheri McGregor, M.A.

Costumes aren’t just suitable for Halloween. Choosing a sort of “costume” can be a helpful support in times of stress.

estranged from adult childrenMost of us are familiar with the old term, “dress for success.” The idea was that the clothes we wear convey a message to others about who we are and what we can do. But clothing can convey helpful messages to ourselves, too.

Your clothes:
It’s not always about what other people think

Years ago as a young mother of five, attending writers’ conferences and networking events for the first few times felt scary. Having to shake strangers’ hands and present myself as a professional writer had me trembling. On some level, those sorts of things still jangle my nerves a bit, but I learned a trick to help: put on a “costume” and step into the role. Back then, that meant business attire. Looking professional made me feel more confident. The new people I met didn’t need to know that I worked from a home office off my bedroom with toddlers playing at my feet.

Help yourself, help others
How your clothes make you feel

Just the other day, after a couple of stressful weeks full of … well, let’s just call them “situations,”  I fell back on the tactic to help me–and help a friend.

Feeling particularly harried on the day I’d planned a visit with a friend, the last thing I wanted to do was spread my tension to her. She had her own stresses—a daughter with recent health complications, career adjustments, family drama, and general stress. I almost cancelled that morning, but hadn’t seen her in months. So I chose a feel-good “costume” instead.

estrangement of parentsHere I am, exhausted but hopeful in my colorful, elasticized waist, handkerchief hemmed skirt and a bright blouse with embroidery swirls. Rather than trouble myself to style my hair, I swept it into a clip, buckled on my most comfortable shoes, and tossed some beads around my neck. That skirt always feels so breezy and easy. It flows when I walk—and I could imagine myself drifting along, a wave of peace and joy. Maybe it’s silly, but it helped.

I did tell my friend a little of what had been going on in my life, but my “costume” served as a reminder to let the troubles drift away. My costume felt a little like Glenda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz that day, but I was told I looked more like a kindergarten teacher. Either way, my role was one of peace.

Estranged parents: What’s your costume?

That evening, I thought about all the different “costumes” I’ve worn over the years. At one point, I had a sparkly duck lapel pin for an organization’s meetings where I played a leadership role. That pretty little duck helped me remember to let complaints roll right off my back like a duck sheds water. And once, for a trying personal meeting that required emotional armor, I chose a bell-sleeved tunic with a metallic print on the front. That top looked stylish but felt like protection for my heart.

With the holidays approaching, maybe you’re facing uncertain or uncomfortable situations surrounding your adult child’s estrangement. If so, consider what sort of “costume” will help. I wouldn’t feel good in clothes that bind, but someone else might feel supported by more structured apparel. Maybe you wear a soft jacket that’s suitable indoors (for an added layer of emotional padding), or a solid pair of shoes that keep you standing firm.

The clothing you choose can be another form of self-kindness and self-support. You’ve seen me in my good witch teacher “costume.” Now, leave a comment and tell me about yours!

For more information about estrangement and how to move forward after an adult child’s estrangement, read the book: Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children (Fathers, it’s for you too. See Note to Fathers)

Related Reading:

Estranged? Enjoy the holidays anyway

Holidays for parents rejected by adult children

When adult children reject parents: Be kind to yourself this holiday season

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8 thoughts on “Estrangement: What’s your costume to help?

  1. Strong

    I use music. You can find this beautiful and empowering song on Youtube: Change on the Rise by Avi Kaplan.

  2. Patricia

    So thankful I have found this site! Thank you Sheri for being “ you” so excited to get the book !!!! God be with you all!!!!!

    1. rparents Post author

      Dear Patricia,
      I’m thankful you found your way here, too! (Although I am not happy you have the need.)

      Hugs to you,
      Sheri McGregor

  3. Intothemystic

    This is my first time here. I found this idea of a costume so helpful. I won’t see any of my kids on this coming Easter but this year I will put my costume on that makes me feel good and strong. I need goodness and strength right now. I’m grateful I finally found a forum that addresses adult children with parents. I’ve been looking for years and all I find is parents abuse kids. These are very wise words I’ve read here especially the woman who said this, “ it make s me feel good, is very comfortable for the climate i live in (israel) and it reminds me of who i am, not who my estranged daughter thinks i am.” Thank you for sharing.

    1. rparents Post author


      I am SO happy that you have found this site! Thank you for commenting. We do need to dress for our own success … at joy, at happiness, at feeling good.

      Sheri McGregor

  4. Onlychildmom

    I’ve chosen to wear a colorful apron–the kind that hangs from the neck and ties at the waist. Makes me look like a typical mom and a little old fashioned and vulnerable. When the adult children arrive for dinner they seem to note the change from my usual attire. I think they let down their defenses a bit and begin to relax.

  5. melanie z.

    i try conservative with a little flair. i have a plain blue loose cotton and bamboo weave dress, that i wear with a fringed vest in faux leather that is long (the fringes touch the hem of hte dress even) it make s me feel good, is very comfortable for the climate i live in (israel) and it reminds me of who i am, not who my estranged daughter thinks i am.


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