Fathers of estranged adult children: Here’s to the ones who keep going
Fathers of estranged adult children:
Here’s to the ones who keep going
The calendar has rolled around once again to Father’s Day, which can feel complicated and sad when an adult child is estranged.
Some fathers will talk about the disappointment and pain—and a lot of them won’t. They may get quiet and move on with practical tasks that make the third Sunday in June feel like any other day. They may not want another conversation about what happened or to have their feelings analyzed. Instead, they’ll mow the lawn, chill in front of the TV, or be grateful for a few jokes, a tasty meal, and an ordinary Sunday that doesn’t revolve around who won’t be coming over, who did or didn’t say what, or what might happen next. Who wants talk of estrangement or how they feel to mar the day set aside as theirs?
This may sound like stereotyping. Fathers do feel sad and wish things were different, but so many men I hear from say they’ve worked hard to provide a good life and be there for their families. When everyone’s happiness revolves around the one who walked away, they feel like they’ve failed—and nothing could be further from the truth. A gift for those fathers might be to let him be him, and simply enjoy the day, however he wants to spend it.
Estrangement has probably already taken so much. Enjoying an ordinary day can be a rest. A little laughter, a favorite meal, and a few pleasant hours without discussing the hurt may be a father’s way of keeping Father’s Day his—rather than letting it be swallowed by the elephant in the room.
Grief and going on
Some dads need to talk it through, understand what happened, and feel understood. Those fathers deserve support and respect, as do the ones who say little and simply keep going, perhaps even seeming distant at times. They may grieve by working, fixing, helping … keeping life moving.
Those dads may not get the call, but they still get up. My husband has always been like so many fathers of estranged adult children: checking the tires, watering the trees, taking out the trash. And when emotions get heavy, they may sit quietly beside one who needs to talk. Or they may make a joke … or change the subject. They want to go on living. Keeping on is how they grieve—and how they demonstrate courage by continuing to show up in life, even when someone they’ve poured so much love into has walked away.
I’m not suggesting that men should minimize their feelings—or that they carry their pain alone. As I said in a previous post, fortitude doesn’t mean going it alone. Fathers of estranged adult children, like the rest of us, need support. It’s just that encouraging them may sometimes mean providing peace: acknowledging that you know the day may be hard and then getting on with life. A favorite meal where estrangement talk is off the menu. A walk where the focus is a colorful bird flitting by, the way the light sparkles on the water, or the tranquility of the breeze as it rustles softly through the trees. Sometimes encouragement doesn’t need words. Sometimes love says silently: I know this hurts. I’m here. Let’s enjoy the day.
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11 thoughts on “Fathers of estranged adult children: Here’s to the ones who keep going”
Thank you for saying this: honoring the Fathers here. I know my husband was very hurt this past Father’s Day. Complete silence. I wondered if we would hear anything because occasionally my son would text back with him. My husband carries his grief differently from me. He keeps busy and rarely speaks about it although yesterday we did talk about how we could have raised our son differently……all the “what did we do wrong” kind of stuff you talk about. I on the other hand, feel a heavy weight upon me every single day I wake up. I am learning to live around the grief and that joy and happiness can coexist with one another. I pray every day for my son’s well being and life. It’s all there is left to do.
Father’s Day is my roughest day of the year, even worse than my birthday. This is something I try to hide from my wife, but I’m sure I’m not fooling her. We both suffer estrangement caused by one of our adult girls, though for me the volcanic event of the estrangement was more formalized and directed, and as a result we cannot see four of our eighteen grandchildren. We do take solace and joy knowing that our other three adult children let us see the other 14 grandchildren who genuinely want us in their lives throughout the year, not just on Father’s Day, my birthday, or other family day events. To ease the suffering of an “ambiguous death” that estrangement is sometimes classified, and to remove the recycled pain caused by several false-reconciliations, I have made the estrangement with my adult daughter permanent to lessen, albeit not remove, the pain of estrangement. Though the pain is less, it’s not gone, for I still can’t forget my daughter who no longer loves me, if she ever did love me, on every Father’s Day that roles around. Memories are permanent, and I cannot train myself to “un-forget” them. Thus the suffering remains. That’s just the way it is.
Happy Father’s Day & Happy 1st Day of Summer!!!
May Each & All Be Blessed In Body…Mind & Spirit.
In Divine Friendship & Gratitude,
C.A.
Excellent article as always, thank you Sheri. My husband and I celebrate Mother’s and Father’s Day by celebrating each other, respectively. Last month it was my special day and this Sunday will be his. We give each other a little gift, a small yet meaningful acknowledgment of how cherished we are, by one another. The estranged children are not part of the day and we don’t waste precious time rehashing what could have, should have. We are at peace knowing we were great parents, not perfect, and certainly not deserving of the cruel and wretched treatment we both endured at the hands of our children. The suffering once felt insurmountable, but we eventually got on with life that is now very rich and full. So this Sunday will be celebrated, albeit with a different spin!
Thank you for this, I will give to my husband. He is a good, patient father who wonders where he failed with our ES. We try to focus on all of the good and positive things in our life. Occasionally, the negative thoughts about our long term estrangement creep into the conversations but we try to minimize them.
This is exactly how I will spend the 10th Fathers Day without hearing from my Daughters.
In fact I will likely spend the day alone no mention of Fathers Day at all other than a message or two from other Fathers. Their will be no talk of estrangement or discussions of reconciliation.
It will be a quiet day with moments of reflection. A walk by the water, stop by my favorite watering hole and raise a glass to my Father and the other estranged Fathers out there.
I will take some solace in my Daughters are happy and healthy from all accounts. If they have chosen to live their lives without me in it, so be it. It is a decision I cannot control.
I chose to live the best life I can knowing I will never be whole. I still laugh, socialize and enjoy life. I know I did the best I could as a Father, not perfect made mistakes (I have acknowledge.)
Not looking forgiveness, as I have forgiven myself.
Life has to go on. You are not defined by your past it is important to move forward.
One of the many deep levels of estrangement pain is seeing my sweet, loving, patient, sensitive, hard working husband be disposed of and disregarded. Our son has allowed his emotionally disturbed wife to destroy our family and actively participates in this estrangement.
His dad is one of the best on the planet and I try hard to take good care of him now, lift his spirits with encouragement and shower him with the love he deserves. My heart has a broken part thats just for what my husband is going through.
Thank you for the article. I think often about being estranged. On holidays like Father’s Day, I keep doing without talking about it like any other day. Sometimes, on Father’s Day I have wondered if I’m wrong in just trying to live life with the pain and trying not to think about how I wish things were different. As a man who doesn’t share much, I do value your articles and that they arrive at the appropriate time.
This article describes my husband perfectly. He grieves silently. Finds it easier to think of hie estranged daughter as dead which is easier for him to deal with than the real facts that she has chosen to disown us . He says he does not want to waste another moment of this precious life talking and rehashing everything related to the estrangement Elaine
I have a cousin whose 6 children do not talk to her. Twenty years later I still do not know the whole story. Her father, in his 90s is in terrific shape and very active. My uncle and I are close and we talk for hours. Last week we were talking about many things that led to my daughter and then for the 1st time ever he talked about his 6 grandchildren he has not seen in 20 years. That was the 1st time I realized our children rejected us but their grandparents as well. He said to me, there is only one thing we can do and it was peaceful. He said pray just pray. Thats all you can do. He is probably right and so pray.
Our daughter left 21 yrs ago. My husband is one who doesn’t ever talk about her—never has since she left. Neither one of us spends much “mind” time on her. Never seeing her is a blessing because the wounds are not constantly reopened. Thank you for all that you do for us,