Feeling “triggered”? A helpful shift for parents of estranged adult children
Transcript: Slightly edited for written format
Triggers, for parents of estranged adult children, can be painful, but today, I have a question for you: Are there are times when a memory comes up on social media, or It’s your estranged adult child’s birthday, or you see a happy family that reminds you of the grandchildren you don’t get to see. Or maybe something else catches you off guard … and suddenly you’re triggered.
When you’re “triggered,” do you feel as if you’re being swept away—as though a wave of thoughts and emotions rushes in and carries you off?
Triggers for parents of estranged adult children arrive unexpectedly
The word “trigger” for what starts a cascade of emotional reactions is everywhere. It has become part of everyday vernacular—as if seeing a photograph, hearing a song, or realizing a holiday is approaching unleashes a landslide of emotions. Like an emergency, the trigger appears unexpectedly, and we’re swept away.
I know how it feels when a reminder sends your thoughts swirling backward, forward, or into a whirl. Your emotions can follow and derail the day … or even the week.
But what if you could catch yourself in that moment and recast your trigger as a prompt?
A trigger suggests helplessness. Something has been set in motion, and now you’re at its mercy, just swept up, and reacting.
On the other hand, a prompt creates a pause—and restores a measure of choice.
In my autumn 2025 book, Rumination Remedies, I chose deliberately to use the word—prompt—instead of trigger. It’s gentler and reminds us that we may be able to respond differently. Maybe you can’t control the situation or the painful reminder, but you still have some choice over what you do next.
What is the “trigger” prompting you to notice?
In Rumination Remedies, I go into greater detail about interrupting automatic reactions and creating space for emotional distance and awareness. The next time you find yourself responding to what you might once have called a trigger, consider it instead as a prompt.
What do you need right now?
Maybe you need to pause and allow yourself to shed a tear. Perhaps admitting how much pain or anger you feel is important. Your feelings are important. Or maybe it would help to say no to another commitment and give yourself a break.
The prompt may be telling you it’s time to release the need to help—or to stop wrestling with what is beyond your power to solve or control. Maybe it’s time to stop yourself from reaching out or taking some other action that has in the past resulted in further hurt.
A prompt doesn’t take away the painful reminder, but it can change what you do next.
And that’s important, because repeated responses can become habits. Checking social media, replaying the past, or ruminating in bed may begin to feel almost automatic—or beyond your control. But unhelpful habits can be interrupted, and shifted to more helpful responses.
What if the next time you’re “triggered,” you think of it as a prompt—to care for yourself?
Instead of sending a text, checking social media, looking through old emails, or ruminating about what went wrong, you might do something that builds your resilience, shifts your attention back to your own life, and helps you regain your footing.
A prompt restores a measure of choice
A trigger takes you for a ride, a prompt puts you back in the driver’s seat. It asks:
- What now?
- What do you need?
- What is yours to do?
- What would help you return to yourself?
Instead of being swept into rumination, self-blame, impulsive contact, or despair, a prompt can become:
- a cue to pause
- a reminder to care for yourself
- a nudge back toward what is within your power
The word trigger can leave you feeling helpless.
The word prompt reminds you that, even in a painful moment, you may still have a choice.
So, the next time you find yourself “triggered,” consider:
Is this only a trigger—something that will sweep you into rumination, a painful mood, or a day overtaken by sadness?
Or could it also be a prompt? A reminder to pause. To do something that helps rather than hurts.
To remember that you can take care of yourself, that you count, and that this life is yours to live.
Triggers for parents of estranged adult children: An upcoming event
In an upcoming member event, we’ll talk more about triggers—and how repeated responses can become habits. Together, we’ll look at some of those familiar patterns, consider what they lead to, and explore practical ways to interrupt them and choose a more helpful response. Join us.
Event date to be announced soon.
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16 thoughts on “Feeling “triggered”? A helpful shift for parents of estranged adult children”
Recently after many years of no longer reaching out to my daughters I thought about reaching out to them again but I don’t think it is a good idea. I remember that it hurts not to get a response but I could never trust them again but more importantly I have been left out of so many important lost memories that I just think it would be too weird, like meeting with strangers. While I am many years over the sadness of our estrangment I still miss them and always will.
Thank you for this video. I too like it when I can hear your voice in a video rather than just
reading a text of words. The words seem ‘kinder’ gentler’ because of the calm tone.
Today is Sunday evening. This is often a time of ‘family reflection and yes I will say
it can be lonely too. Easy to get ‘swept up by those whirls of emotions’ as you describe
them. It was a time when my parents, friends at times would call and sort of wrap up
the week. That doesn’t happen now and so I turn to thoughts of my ED. Not even a
year. Not really sunk in. Not even really altogether ‘real’. But real enough.
So. I will ‘wrap up’ here if you will. I have written in my journal and I have been on online
therapy about it. I have not ignored it’s happening. Reading all your replies brings me
some solace. I can see clearly, I’m not alone in ‘this’. Coming onto this site has been
a big step I’ve taken in self care. Because I have found rich material here to ponder
and all of you to meet. People whose thoughts I’d never imagine I’d be sharing but
whose every words speak to my experiences about, divorce, parenting and yes that
other harsh sounding word ‘estrangement’. And to also see that I have choices.
The simple changing of the word ‘trigger’ to prompt. I so like
what Liz P. wrote about how she hates the social media and use of the word ‘triggered’
as denoting violence and guns. It also implies that something is coming at you and you
(me/I) am at it’s mercy. Where to hide? Where to go?
I find my mind gets caught up in a particular memory these past few weeks. It’s one
that wants to resolve a question I didn’t answer from my daughter. A question which I
didn’t allow her to ask so I don’t know what it was. I allow myself to look at it and let it
be. At least for now. I can write about it in my journal this week. I can use it as a
‘prompt.’ I can put the ammo away. Look at things in new ways. Breath into things more.
Also, I am quite a bit older than many on this site. And I have health issues such as
Covid which has occurred these past two weeks. It has taken all my energy and I’m
getting better. So, as I close, I will choose, ‘Netlix.com ‘happy film’ as my response of
choice for the rest of the evening. It seems about the kindest thing I can do for myself
at this moment. And thanks again for the video Sheri and for everyone’s heartfelt and
wise replies. And yes courageous. because it takes a lot of courage to open to what
is happening as you do.
You’re welcome, Sage. Thank you for commenting–BE WELL and do go to the happy videos if that’s what helps. HUGS, Sheri
The word ‘trigger’ made me think of the character Tigger in Winnie-the-Pooh. He’s always bouncing around having fun and pleased with himself. Triggers happen to me all the time, but thinking of them as prompts or pauses and choosing what happens next to take care of myself is a grand alternative to mental deterioration.
I love Sheri’s videos, thank you for the captions and the transcripts. July is a painful prompt month…. But when estrangement first started I was practically comatose with grief shame depression…. I did not think I would survive.
It’s the 5th year of no adult child and grandchildren.
But lots of love and kindness from my other children and grandchildren. Blessed to have happy marriage.
Prompt is more gentle than trigger. Trigger amplifies the knife skewer of estrangement pain.
A friend contacted me for help from this group. I forwarded the newsletter. Passing on our courage a little bit at a time.
My daughter’s 50th birthday is coming soon. I guess I’ve been triggering like crazy.
Your article changed my perspective to prompting instead of triggering and it enabled me to think more clearly.
Years ago, she told me to never wish her happy birthday again. I have been so torn because it’s going to be her 50th and so very difficult for me to not wish her happy birthday. I had a flood of memories about her birth and the incredible joy my husband and I experienced surrounding the days before, during and after her birth.
I was 22 when she was born and my husband 28.
I decided not to wish her happy birthday and so honor what she wanted.
I will feel the love and joy from my memories of her birth and weep a bit.
But I will not beat myself up.
Thank-you for being there.
I like the “prompt” to re-think automatic responses to sad events or dates, etc. Thanks Sheri
It’s so important to consider how the language we use can reshape our experiences.
Sheri, I always hated the therapy-speak and social-media-speak “triggered” because of its violent association with guns, and its failure to distinguish between verbal and real violence.(Also, I am not an inanimate weapon that can be “triggered” without my own participation, and shots will not ensue!) Even as a metaphor it is bad news, that therapy-speak.
So I really like your idea to replace that inappropriate, ugly word with one that suggests choice, reflection, intelligent consideration of whatever the stimulus is to our emotions. Our emotions aren’t weapons and we aren’t machines! “Prompt” is so much better. Other possible substitutes, probably not as good, might be “image” or “stimulus” or “reminder” or “data point” or even “invitation.” Anyway, I am so glad you have asked us to reconsider this. It will be very helpful. Thank you!
I’ll offer another example: I’ll give an example: after my 20-year marriage ended with his repeated cheating, upon the divorce judgment, I was awarded a modest pension as part of the settlement. I used to call it “the divorce pension” while doing financial planning and it kept stirring up negative feelings (I never wanted to be divorced but it became impossible to live with the cheating). But even in my own head this phrase “divorce pension” was a painful reminder, so I started calling it “the marriage pension” which reminded me that the courts saw fit to honor the 20 years of hard work and faithfulness I had put in. So I, too, should honor it with a positive term.
Bye-bye “trigger,” and hello “prompt” (or “reminder,” “beckoning,” “invitation,” “stimulus” etc.): neutral words that show we can decide thoughtfully how to respond.
oh my goodness = thank you for this! exactly what I need to do (in a variety of triggers) – what en empowering thought – now I just need to remember to do it when that emotion is flowing!
Sheri, so helpful content with expert advice how to navigate these triggers. Thank you.
Thank you so much for these videos. I seem to get more out of hearing you speak than reading your words. I think being spoken to gets your point across so much more than just reading it. And your voice is calming to me and that means a lot right now. I started out thinking, “Oh I don’t really need this, I’m doing fine now.” But by the end of your video, I was in tears. When you said, “You count,” I thought yes, she is so right. And I am starting to live my life accordingly. Thank you again. I look forward to more of these.
Thank you , Sheri you seem to read my mind, because whenever I am at that sad moment ,you come up with the correct solution for comfort . I look forward to each of you newsletters.
My greatest antidote to a trigger is to replace it with thinking of all the things in my life I have to be grateful for. As well as thinking of those in my family that want to be in my life, there is so much to be grateful for each day. The fact that I can get out of bed each morning without pain , do a day’s satisfying work. Live in a comfortable and warm home. Enjoy my food. The list is endless. Considering these things really help to put triggers into perspective. Elaine
Dear Sheri
Thank you for your article.
It’s very good. A new word for me
Prompt instead of trigger.
A very wonderful word to use..
I believe when feeling sad physical pain will becomes more intense. I suffer from arthritis. Now I will try to use prompt not trigger.
By thinking of how to help myself and letting go – my pain will easel.
Many thanks.
Valerie.
I recently cleaned out a closet in the guest bedroom. I found many of my daughters things. That set off a trigger for the day and I did not know what to do with her things. If I knew prompt it would have really helped. I saved her things wondering where she is or what she is doing.
Thank you for recognizing the need for resources and support as rejected parents