Finding peace after estrangement: “Done” is a first step
Finding peace after estrangement: “Done” is a first step
Recently, I started running again. After years of walking and hiking, I actually began to run. And as my feet hit the pavement—in short stints during a longer, routine walk—it felt like flying. Those bursts of running took me back, mentally and physically, to my youth. In the 10th grade, I intended to join the cross-country team. Running felt natural to me. I spent a lot of my tomboy childhood chasing after my brothers whose freedom I envied. I couldn’t wait to join the team.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get to try out, let alone join. Still, my recent sprints on morning walks prompted a sense of freedom that flooded me with good feelings. I decided to run every day, gradually increasing the ratio of running to walking during my routine three-miler. Who knew? Maybe within a few months I’d be running the whole way.
Too bad my newly graduated-to-Medicare age body didn’t agree. I did too much too soon—and my knees revolted. When I first experienced some mild pain, I was fitted for more running-appropriate shoes, and I pushed through. Then I spent a week barely able to walk. Getting up after sitting hurt, taking the stairs hurt, and even turning over in bed reminded me that enthusiasm couldn’t compensate for conditioning. My spirit was ready to run. Unfortunately, my knees weren’t.
For parents, finding peace after estrangement can require a similar sort of conditioning.
Finding peace after estrangement takes time
You’ve walked the long miles of giving the benefit of the doubt, forgiving, and reaching out again. Maybe you’ve even excused disrespect you’d never tolerate from someone else. Then, exhausted by the painful cycle of hope and hurt, you conclude that enough is enough. With a sudden burst of determination, you declare you’re done with accusations, abuse, and silence. You’re finished with the push-pull and with feeling like a fool for being sucked in and spat out again.
Sometimes, parents do need to firmly close the door—and they have the right to protect themselves from further hurt. Other times, a declaration of “done” is more like an emotional sprint. They know they can’t keep living in suspension, waiting, hoping, and abandoning themselves. Even so, the heart and nervous system remain conditioned by years of hoping, worrying, and caring. They don’t instantly catch up with the decision.
A new decision meets old conditioning
When I started running again, my feelings of joy and freedom were real. They connected me to youthful vigor and optimism. Too bad my knees aren’t teenaged.
Parents of estranged adult children can experience a similar split. While one part recognizes that it’s time to change, another part remains attached. The parent they have always been still loves the child they knew, grieves what happened, and holds out hope that the situation will change.
Boundaries don’t end love
Often, parents are reminded of their estranged adult child and are transported back to the same old place: the longing, the worry, and the hope. They call themselves fools for trying again, stupid to have expected something other than silence, or weak for feeling distress. Really, the longstanding parent-child bond is surfacing. A decision can change your direction before your emotions have adjusted to the new course.
You may feel tremendous relief after saying you’re done, only to feel grief soon after. And just as my knee pain doesn’t necessarily mean I will have to stop running forever, your feelings don’t mean the “done” or “enough” boundary you’ve set is wrong. But setting a boundary doesn’t halt the heart’s longing.
Finding peace after estrangement: Don’t force it
As I write this with a hint of knee pain lingering, I’m determined to run again. But I’ll have to start out more gradually, warming up, stretching, and allowing my body to speak.
Likewise, the desire to reclaim your peace, your dignity, and your life isn’t wrong. Just know that it won’t happen overnight. You’ll have to work at it—warming up, stretching, and learning what you need to do and think to sustain the change.
As I discuss in Rumination Remedies, noticing how you speak to yourself helps you replace harsh demands with a more encouraging inner voice. Demanding you “should” never miss your child or “shouldn’t” care turns a wise decision into an unrealistic standard that sets you up to fail. Growth and healing require flexibility, self-compassion, and a realistic view of what you’re actually letting go of—someone you have loved.
Building muscles for peace
As I discuss more thoroughly in Beyond Done, you’ll need to exercise your emotional muscles if they’re to grow. With a bit of work the book outlines, you can strengthen your ability to let go of what was and embrace what’s within your power to cultivate now.
Your future of peace, contentment, and joy despite the sorrow of estrangement can start with a decision, but you’ll need to strengthen your capacity for peace. The next time your mind travels back to old pain or ahead to an uncertain future, remind yourself that you are here now, with choices about where you place your attention and energy. If intermittent contact reinforces your pain, or reminders of your estranged adult child stir up hurt, view these as practice sessions—more conditioning for your goal of peace.
And just as proper shoes are foundational to a body that’s taking on new demands, the right emotional support can help you as you build a different way of living. That can include trusted professionals, useful resources, and peer support from people have been there and understand.
A setback isn’t starting over
My hurting knees discouraged me, but after wallowing a little, I realized all was not lost. I could still swim, keeping the muscles around my joints strong as they healed. Similarly, a wave of grief doesn’t mean you’ve lost all of your progress. Take the rest you need and forgive yourself for any tears. You’re growing toward your own freedom—today, as the relationship stands, whether or not you allow for possible future reconciliation.
Even if you’re done, for now or forever, you’ll probably miss your child from time to time. I still think of that sweet, apple-cheeked boy who grew into a handsome man who had the tools to do anything. But the son I once knew, at least for now, is gone. I can’t change that person or the facts. I can only work on myself.
I intend to run again, this time respecting that my older knees require different care and gradual conditioning. Finding peace after estrangement requires that same patience. A decision can set you in a new direction, but you aren’t likely to cover the entire distance in a single day. Peace, freedom, exhilaration … these can all be ahead. Small steps, taken gradually and with awareness, will move you forward.
Running on your own team
One way that parents begin strengthening a fuller life is by reconnecting with foundational parts of themselves that existed long before estrangement. Old interests, qualities, and dreams can offer clues about what still makes you feel alive. In an upcoming event inside the membership, we’ll mine the fields of old hobbies and dreams and identify where that energy may have resurfaced for you. What parts of yourself will you choose to reconnect with and bring forward now?
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38 thoughts on “Finding peace after estrangement: “Done” is a first step”
Thank you for all you do. I am also new to the group. It is going on 3 years since my son told me to never reach out to them again. He has 4 children. My husband and I were involved with the oldest two then after they had their third we were cut off shortly after his 1st birthday. Then we found out last November they had another son we have never met. My oldest granddaughter’s birthday party is this weekend and again we are not invited. Your book and workbook have truly helped me get through. We have two other son’s and their fiancés are wonderful and kind. My middle son is expecting his first child this October and we have been included in their joy. Your book has helped me to focus on what blessing I have in front of me. But at times the heartbreak creeps in and it feels like I am being paralyzed. This e-mail has been very helpful to me to forge ahead. Thank you!!!
Keep going forward, Karla! There’s more to life than these ones who hurt us.
Hugs to you.
Sheri
Good Afternoon Sheri,
Two years ago I got a postcard from my estranged daughter, It was the birth announcement of my second grandchild. A baby girl. I had no idea, It was like a kick in the stomach. Shock. Pain. Anger. Sadness, that I will never be able meet or see my grandchild grow.
I’ve just read your article “ finding peace after estrangement”. It reminds me that healing and forgiveness take time. One step forward, one step back, we have to live for ourselves and enjoy what life has to offer.
Thanks,
Doug
Thank you your help is so appreciated ❤️❤️❤️
We knew after the latest text message from my cruel son that permanent contact is the only thing to do.
The very fibre of my character was destroyed with his cruel words. The message two weeks ago was that moment for us of realisation that the venom he has cant be tolerated anymore.
Changed our mobile numbers and now to reset our lives with peace and love for the ones who have stood by us through this painful painful time.
My lovely dr is monitoring the health impact of the trauma and we are filling our lives with happiness where we can.
We all know I am sure of the grief they cause.
I text him to say never contact us again and how sad that hes thrown away two people who love him but we won’t be treated like his punching bag.
Resetting our expectations and going with this new normal is liberating…very painful at times but as Sheri says sad thoughts can be thought of as options or reflections of a way forward.
Your stories really do help and Sheris writing is so valuable for me .
Many thanks to you, Sheri, for giving us parents a voice to express our grief & loss
@ our children. It is a phenomenon! The breakdown of family ties today is shocking! I was an anthropology major in college & helped mothers nurse their
children, as I did. I never thought in a million years my two would desert me! What has contributed to this abnormalty?
Too many factors to list, but the numbers
CLIMB. My heart goes out to every parent who has suffered this tragic loss.
Hi Sheri,
I am grateful for your shares in the Newsletter. My estranged daughter contacted me after 12 years to seek support for her father, my ex-husband who has been diagnosed with brain cancer and could do with support. I responded and supported him as best as I could through chemo-radiation but when this phase ended and I wanted to step back, my daughter lashed out at me, accusing me of being selfish and self centered as always, abandoning a dying man and saying she was so ashamed of me.
I have been feeling so low and have again asked for no contact. I thought her reaching out could mean something for us but it feels now that it was only for her Dad.
It is so sad that after wanting to have a loving relationship with her, I myself have suggested no contact to protect myself from her attacks.
Thanks for listening,
Aparna
Sheri,
Thank you for your wisdom. It’s been about 9-11 years since our son and dil went no contact. We fought hard for awhile and no doubt made things worse. But we’ve come to accept that it’s not in our control; and only our Higher Power can change this. They took 4 granddaughters with them. Our dil is a narcissist and we know our son has to support her.
We’ve seen him a couple of times at funerals and he hugs and kisses us with “I love you & miss you”, but that is all we get.
Our oldest granddaughter is expecting our first great grand this October. Our hearts are broken but again it is not ours to fix. All we can do is pray, heal, and keep living. We have another son who loves us unconditionally. He and his husband are our lifeline. (They have been cut off as well).
Thank you for your writings; until I read your first book I thought we were the only one’s that had this happen.
Sincerely,
Nan
This is very reassuring and comforting. Among many other experiences, I’m haunted by a recurring nightmare – my two daughters are still little, they are on one side of the road, and I’m on the other side. A man holds each one by the hand. They’re appealing to me to free them from the man, but every time I try to cross the road, a car passes at high speed. I watch them go…and I wake up. Two to three times a week. For the past thirteen years.
Thank you so much! I have your books & eventually would like to make a meeting-Dealing with lots of dr appts procedures the next few months -I appreciate keeping me on the email list with encouraging post for now
You’re welcome, Civilla. I hope the doctor appointment season will be over before too long and that the procedures go well.
Huge hugs to you.
Sheri McGregor
Thank you Sheri! I never thought as a parent that I would block my Estranged from contact. But our other children and my spouse and I could not take the vicious attacks anymore. Our counselor was wonderful.
We recently heard from Estranged in the Spring when a family festival happened. After informing us we were no longer a part of their family and not to send gifts to our grandchildren, we followed the directions.
Suddenly my spouse and close children got contacted about being mean and hateful and excluding Extranged and their children from the event. Why I was spared I do not know. Extranged used a new number her to get through. Our counselor said if we send gifts, Estranged is angry. If we don’t send gifts, Estranged is angry.
Feel like I have permanent hole in my heart and I try to keep it full from my other blessings, volunteer work, hobbies etc. I too miss the child who used to love us.
Such a common scenario, K. The damned if you do damned if you don’t is a no-win trap. You’re wise to concentrate on the people and activities that bring good into your life.
Perhaps one day your daughter will gain some clarity on her own actions and distorted thinking that leads to them. Meanwhile, you’re tending to your heart.
Huge hugs to you
Sheri McGregor
Thank you Sheri, your kindness is much appreciated.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and advice in this journey of estrangement. Helps so much.
Thank YOU, Linda. I’m glad this was helpful.
HUGS,
Sheri McGregor
Thank you so much Sheri. You are so inspirational and the offer of support that you share is truly fenomenal. I really feel my estranged son has a heart of stone, and deep inside me I don’t think I can ever forgive him, if he ever came back, but I don’t think he will. I am currently reading “Beyond Done with the Crying,” and it’s really fantastic as it’s helping me reshape my thought process to think more positively about my future. Thank you .
Hi Stella,
Well, I’m glad for your honesty here about your feelings. You’ve helped someone else to feel less alone by stating your thoughts. You may be able to forgive in the future … and I hope you’re forgiving yourself for not “feeling it” for him. Some of our adult children truly do have a “heart of stone,” as you said.
I’m so glad you’re finding Beyond Done helpful in reshaping your thoughts and optimism toward the future–which starts NOW. (If you wouldn’t mind leaving a good review at Amazon or wherever you go it, I’d be so grateful. If you are not up to it, please, no worries. I wouldn’t want to burden you in any way.).
HUGE HUGS to you.
Sheri McGregor
Thank you. Those heartstrings and longings for that sweet child never leave. It has been four years since she cut us and all her extended family out of her life. I miss the child, but not the adult. I miss the grandchildren and long to see them again. Through therapy, caring support from others, and continuing care for myself and the rest of the family, I have survived and healed. Your words have been a great help towards peace. Thank you.
Julie,
I’m so happy to hear that you have taken good care of yourself, found good support, and having people who love you and whom to love. I hope to continue to be a part of that for you and others.
HUGS to you,
Sheri McGregor
We all need each other. Thanks to you all.
Hello Sheri
I have been reading/following you for nearly 3 years now. I have wanted to reach out before but never could. Your writings are meaningful. My son disappeared on purpose about 3 years ago. Just disappeared. No words. No phone number. No address. No nothing. I did not even know if my 18 year old was dead or alive for months on end. Left me in complete and utter devastation.
He was my world. I raised him completely alone as a single mom after divorce when he was an infant.
The pain of him purposely hurting me has destroyed my life.
I have no other children and no family. Its just me. Trying to step forward.
I found out in March of this year through a third party that he had married last November. Painful.
Also found out he just had a baby last month. I guess I have a grandchild now.
Its been 3 years of deafening silence from my son. And purposeful deceit so I could not even find out where he lives or has been living. Total nightmare of pain that just goes on and on and gets added to daily. I read other people’s accounts of what has happened to them and maybe feel a little less alone. But not really. Most of your readers have other children, or a spouse or family. It is easier to see through if you have any or all of those. I do not.
I did not do anything to deserve how my child has treated me. I was a good mother working hard to take of my son and myself completely alone while also managing a career. I had to be everything for my son and I was.
And he did this. So incredulously deliberately hurtful. And it continues daily. How does one treat your mom like this I have no idea.
This has upended me to the core. Just devastatingly heartbroken.
Thank you Sheri ,your blogs are very helpful . Sending hugs to all mums and dads going through this pain x
HUGS to you, April.
Sheri McGregor
I too don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t found Done With The Crying 10 years ago which then brought me to this wonderful community. The help and advice from Sheri and other members over the years have been invaluable. On the whole I have managed to stay strong and enjoy what I have rather than focus on what I’ve lost. After 10 long years of nearly no contact, our ES got in touch and apologised. He now has a child of his own and, even though he’s holding onto to his truth about his childhood and adolescence which we see from a different perspective, something has definitely shifted and he is at least treating us with respect and is friendly towards us as we are to him. It’s baby steps and we’re not getting too involved or meeting up in person but I do feel that our patience and conviction that we needed to wait for him to come back to us and live our lives in the full in the meantime are now paying off. I know how tough it is. I’ve cried rivers too but there is sometimes light at the end of the tunnel. Love and hugs to you all x
I have not seen my only grandchild, a granddaughter since she was 4 and she is now 13. I recently was sent a photo of her that my sister had found on Facebook. I sent her a letter with no assurance that I might hear back from her. About one hour ago she called and we had a nice conversation! We agreed to keep in touch and when saying goodbye she called me Grandma! I am happy! Don’t know if this will change things with my son and his wife, but it is the beginning of a new direction!
Margi K,
I’m really happy you got this beautiful connection. I know you will cherish it.
HUGS to you,
Sheri
Hello, I’m new to your newsletter and grateful to read my first one. I read your book and may join your membership. Thank you for doing the work you do in such a disheartening arena with all of us parents with estranged child(ren). It’s tough. For me it’s been 4 years, my oldest daughter of the two daughters that I have. I am definitely reaching out to meet people who enjoy the things I enjoy and haven’t for a very long time, while I was working and raising a family. I completed a 33 year career and have been retired 4 1/2 years. My daughter cut the family out soon after I retired. I’m really feeling ok with giving myself the care and love I so deserve(d) all the while being patient with my life’s journey. So thank you. I have much gratitude for you and your words. ☺️
Hello, I’m new to your newsletter and grateful to read my first one. I read your book and may join your membership. Thank you for doing the work you do in such a disheartening arena of all of us parents with estranged child(ren). It’s tough. For me it’s been 4 years, my oldest daughter of the two daughters that I have. I am definitely reaching out to meet people who enjoy the things I enjoy and haven’t for a very long time, working and raising a family. I completed a 33 year career and have been retired 4 1/2 years. My daughter cut the family out soon after I retired. I’m really feeling ok with giving myself the care and love I so deserve(d) all the while being patient with my life’s journey. So thank you. I have much gratitude for you and your words. ☺️
Hi Janelle,
I’m glad to hear that you’re giving yourself what you need–and deserve! HUGE hugs to you as you “work” at your retirement. LOL.
Hugs,
Sheri
I opened this email at just the right time. Today my son called. I simply didn’t have the energy to answer. So I didn’t. He texted then and said he had some time alone in the car and wanted to “catch up”. He does this from time to time. Sometimes I question his emotional intelligence. He and my DIL have treated us terribly. They’ve kept our grandchildren away from us and told us we aren’t welcome in their home. These periodic calls deflate us. What can he be thinking? We’ll chat???
After reading your latest I’m seeing that it’s ok to be momentarily flattened. But I can turn from it after a while and go on to other things.
I’ve considered telling him not to contact me BUT right now that doesn’t suit me. Maybe one day I will. I have no one to answer to regarding this.
Hi Liz,
Glad this landed at the right moment for you. Yes, I guess you’re expected to just chat like nothing has happened. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and yes, flattening. Good that you can turn from it and go on with YOUR life!
HUGE hugs,
Sheri McGregor
Thank you Sheri,
You have so much wisdom for all of us. I appreciate you so much. Today I said a little prayer of forgiveness for my ED.
Dear Sheri, I have been a subscriber for a long time, but have never shared my story.
It is long and complicated, and involves my only child, a daughter, now with a profession and a husband. She was a troubled child, emotional outbursts, and slept very little. Angry and never called me mommy. Difficult and quite intelligent at same time. Made it through high school and I moved to Hawaii, while she went to college. Made it through college and after 1 year went to law school. My mother dies, and her anger and verbal abuse become worse. I tried, I did my best to keep what family was left “together”. I totally couldn’t
take it anymore and moved South, as husband had died. Insults continued on Facebook, etc. and then I found out from a friend far away, that she was engaged. I knew nothing about it. I did not go to the wedding, my postcard invite was an afterthought. I grieved this as a death, for I knew it was the end of our relationship. But, as you know, sadness, hope, denial, fantasizing about “the way things should be”, are held for long periods. Years go by…
Her birthday was 8/8, and I texted a dog photo and my love as her mother and not really understanding what was going on.
No response, I really don’t want a relationship but an understanding. So I performed a ritual yesterday with some written words and burned them and saved everything, including my house. Such relief, and this my change of heart, as I am almost 78 and time is precious. You have such keen observations and ability to write and instruct, thank you so much!!❤️
Thank you for this article, Sheri. It’s timely as I choose, once more, to not reach out anymore. The silence is deafening, and you’re right…those sweet apple cheeked boys that grew into men are gone, for now…maybe forever, but it’s one day at a time walking back to myself.
Hugs to you, Michelle.
Sheri
Thank you so much, Sheri! I am forever grateful that you are out there and that you share your thoughts and wisdom!
Thank you for this, Sheri. It helps me to feel normal for having to fight my longing for the daughter who is gone for now at least as your son is. If I give into my wishy washy moments, it renews the silence. So, I won’t. I will think of it as conditioning for my emotional muscles.
Thank you for all you do and say. I couldn’t have gotten through this without you, the one sensible voice in the crowd. I look forward to your blogs and return to them and your books as a source of wisdom.