Five ways to move on after an adult child’s rejection

adult child's rejectionby Sheri McGregor

When an adult child abandons parents, or in some cases the entire family, the what-ifs and how-coulds can limit recovery. What if my child returns to reconcile? How can I move on now yet still hold onto hope?

After an adult child’s rejection, the idea of moving on can feel like giving up, so trying to move forward brings guilt. You might question your character. What kind of a parent just gets on with life as if nothing has happened? Few parents move on with such abandon. Most, on some level, hold out hope for reconciliation. But staring at the silent telephone, desperately waiting for the uncertain return of your adult child can lead to despair. Getting on with life despite what’s happened connects you to other people and activities, helps fill the void of loss, and can help you to heal. In my book, Done With The Crying, tools, the latest research, and insight from more than 9,000 parents of estranged adults can help you move forward and heal.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. When you are betrayed by someone you love, perhaps particularly an estranged adult child who you nurtured and helped to shape, it’s as if the bottom falls out. You may question everything you thought about your child, your relationship, and how your life will continue in relation to your son or daughter, and perhaps in relation to your prior expectations. Getting to a point where you feel you’ve moved on may take time, so be kind to yourself. Expecting that you can go to sleep one night determined to leave the pain of an adult child’s rejection behind, and wake up over it, isn’t realistic. Recovering from deep emotional wounds takes time. I’ve gleaned a few tips from my own experience with my estranged adult child as well as from studies, books, and articles that can help.

An adult child’s rejection hurts.

One: Don’t pretend you’re not hurting.

Fearing judgment, you may be embarrassed to share your painful truth.  And you may be right to hold back with people at work, or certain friends you feel won’t understand or will judge you. It’s helpful to reach out to a trusted, empathetic friend or two, but whether you can or can’t confide in others, don’t deny your feelings exist. Accept your emotions as normal in the situation.

Some common feelings of rejected parents include:

*Guilt: I must not have raised my child right. An adult child’s rejection may cause parents to look back critically at their parenting skills, even magnifying some incidents or interactions during the child’s growing up years as proof they did a poor job.

*Anger: I raised my child better than this. What happened to honoring one’s parents?

*Helplessness: How can he/she refuse to take my call? Parents realize they have no control over their adult child’s actions.

*Fear: What if my other adult children leave me too?

*Denial: This can’t be happening. Surely it won’t last.

*Uncertainty: Am I crazy? Is this all my fault? Am I that insufferable? Will this ever end?

*Failure: I feel powerless. Parents may have a sense of failure at having tried everything, but nothing has worked to restore the relationship.

These are just a few of the feelings you may encounter in response to an adult child’s rejection, betrayal or neglect. Keeping a journal or simply free-writing about your feelings may provide a safe way to offload them. Some find an online group designed as support for parents of estranged adult children useful. We host an online group to help. Acknowledging your feelings, whether in a journal or by sharing with others you trust can be healthy, but not to excess or in a negative way.

Two: Don’t Ruminate

Listen to your thoughts. Do you catch yourself saying aloud or thinking, “I’ll never get over this..” Are you continually asking questions, such as, “Why do these sorts of things always happen to me?” Called “ruminating,” this sort of negative thinking spurs more negative thought, perhaps even calling to mind the other things that “always happen.” Clinical studies have linked ruminating to high blood pressure and to unhealthy behaviors such as binge drinking and overeating, so steer clear.

How do you avoid ruminating? Turn your statements and questions around with positive thoughts. I am moving past this. Good things happen in my life. This suggestion may sound trite, but if negative thoughts can produce more negative thoughts, positive thoughts can be as fruitful.

When you catch yourself thinking negatively about your adult child or the situation, notice your physical body as well. Are you holding your breath? Clenching your jaw? Tightening your fists? You may be experiencing a stress response that isn’t good for you.

As reported in the Harvard Health Newsletter, researchers at Hope College in Michigan found that changing one’s thoughts about a stressful situation, perhaps by considering the parts you handled well or imagining offering forgiveness, changes the body’s responses. In short, the way we think about things can reduce our physical stress response

Take a few deep breaths, loosen up or even get up and move around. Drink a glass of water. Do something to aid your physical body and health as well as positively altering your thoughts.

Three: Focus on the Good

Take time out each day to consider the positive situations and good people in your life. A journal of good thoughts written down at the end of each day is a healthy habit, and a formal record is fun to re-read later. However, a more casual approach can be effective.

Keeping a positive focus after an adult child’s rejection.

Here are a few suggestions:

Instead of joining everyone in the lunch break room each day, take a short stroll outdoors instead, or perhaps before you join the others. The benefits of nature to the psyche are well-documented. Be sure to experience your surroundings to the fullest, by taking notice. The dappled sunlight beneath this tree is pretty. The breeze feels good as it goes through my hair.

If getting outdoors isn’t an option, you can still focus your thoughts in a positive direction. Perhaps recall moments from your morning that went well.  I’m glad I was able to make that telephone connection and cross the task off my list. I arrived at the office earlier than my boss this morning. I’m lucky my co-workers are helpful.

Looking to the future with a positive focus promotes the well-known attitude of gratitude that’s so helpful. My dog will be waiting for me with a wagging tail. I look forward to my favorite television show tonight. I’m so thankful my aging mother is well.

Four: Forgive.

Parents have known and loved their children for so long that forgiveness may be second nature – – or not. Perhaps you blame other people who are involved with your adult children. Or maybe you blame yourself. We all make mistakes, so work to forgive. Because of the personal benefits, forgiveness is a gift you can give yourself. Forgive for the sake of your own happiness.

In a study published by National Institute of Health in 2011, researchers found that older adults (median age 66) who forgive others report higher levels of life satisfaction. Forgiving freely, without requiring an act of contrition, (such as an apology or admission), was particularly beneficial. Holding one’s forgiveness hostage to some act or condition was associated with psychological distress and symptoms of depression.

Five: Accept.

Accepting the reality of an adult child’s abandonment, and your helplessness to change it, may feel like letting go of hope. Reconciliation may eventually take place, but in the present, accepting what’s happened allows you to make the most of your life now.

Most of us have had to accept other disappointing realities during our lives: a loved one’s death, the inability to finish college due to other responsibilities, or an unrealized professional goal. We all have disappointments, but the vast majority of us accept reality and move forward, perhaps in more fulfilling directions. Even after an adult child’s rejection, you have the right to enjoy your life. Dwelling on the past or struggling with pursuits that, at least for the moment, are futile, rob you of precious time.

Acceptance may take determination, but is worth the effort. Acceptance has allowed me the freedom to be who I truly am: A strong woman blessed with many people, including four other adult children, to love and share my life with. By accepting the sad reality of one adult child’s rejection, I can better spend my time and energy on people that want my company, on interests that are meaningful and fulfilling to me, and where I can make a difference.

Recently, a parent told me she had reconciled with an estranged adult child after nearly two decades of estrangement. Her story illustrates the fulfillment of hope. Like she did, you can live your life now—-in a way that’s meaningful, fulfilling, and happy—-and still hold out hope for a future reconciliation.
parents of estranged adult childrenDone With The Crying is available through popular booksellers. Ask your local bookstore to order this book for parents of estranged adult children for you. Or order online. And fathers–this book can help you, too.

Take the confidential, 8-question survey to help parents of estranged adult children.

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19 thoughts on “Five ways to move on after an adult child’s rejection

  1. AvatarBonnie

    My son hasn’t spoken to me in 3 years now. He has 2 children that he has kept from me since their birth, not even a picture of the children have I been given. It’s all revenge and vengeance to punish me because I don’t think highly of his In Laws. I see it like this, I’m entitled to my opinion. I don’t agree with everyones opinion on all matters, but I respect others opinion, I don’t start hating on them just because I don’t like their opinion. That’s not my thing, that’s my son’s thing. He’s a grown man and if he chooses to make that his thing, so be it. He can hate on me til the cows come home, and the sun goes down, I’ve got bigger fish to fry, than to concern myself with the minnows in the pond. As for my grandchildren that he keeps from me as a form of punishment towards me, well…. I can’t miss something I ain’t never had in my life, so he’s wasting his time on that matter, and don’t even realize it. He thinks that kicking me to the curb is his way of making me suffer. Im not suffering, I’m over it and moved on.

    Reply
  2. AvatarEd H.

    I have a 19-year-old daughter who started apparently hating me when she was 15. After years of being tormented by it, and never being able to find a reason for it, I found refuge in the only place it exists: Detachment. I stopped caring. It is impossible to care and yet not be tormented by it, so I had no choice.

    I took it all the way. She got sick once when she was 18, and I spent a moment hoping she would die. This no doubt sounds terrible, and I know people will say awful things to me for it (which I will not read–so enjoy your soliloquy), but they will have no better solution on offer.

    I refuse to let ANYONE hold such power over me. I was rejected by my parents and then by my own child. So if you think you’re going to hurt my feelings with a nasty reply, think again.

    Reply
  3. AvatarK.

    Hi everyone. I guess I’m in the same boat. My recently diagnosed with Klinefelters son, aged 31, has decided he abhors me. I was cut off about 12 months ago, without realising it as he still came around to see his father.
    He’s verbally abusive, greeting me with Hi c…t. Or Hi Mong, but never in front of his Dad. Well my husband recently heard a phone call of my son screaming abuse at me. We were both dumbfounded and confused but couldn’t get a word in to find out the cause as he was too busy screaming at me. In his eyes I’m the reason he has Klinefelters. He has thrown his father around on many occasions, last time 12 months ago. I threatened to press charges and that’s when he cut me off.
    I’ve totally accepted,it now. I cannot handle it anymore. I feel threatened. I won’t get to see him and his pregnant wife anymore, or be able to know my own grandchild, but I believe if you cannot change a thing, you have to change the way you think about it. I have two other adult kids and I’m focusing on them, as well as working full time and getting on with my life.

    Reply
  4. AvatarJanie M.

    I have been in pain over my 45 yr old daughter and 11 yr old grandson for almost 3 yrs. I try everything to get in touch only to have her be so cruel. I got desperate and leave notes on the door to getting angry and saying mean things back . I’m exhausted. This book sounds great. I thought I was the only one abandoned

    Reply
    1. AvatarKayae J.

      Janie,

      Believe me. It happens to many parents which is the reason I am on this website.
      Take care of yourself.
      Kayae

    2. AvatarMaree

      I have lost four of my five children and all of my grandchildren. They said I made mistakes and they wanted a better Mum. I am beyond broken, can’t sleep and feel that my life is over. No am 72 and up until four months ago I though I had a family (not perfect and maybe dysfunctional) but we were a family. I cry most of the day abs night and just want my family back. I try messaging them but they only read what they want and either ignore my messages or respond in a nasty cruel way. I need help to get through the day and my life as I knew it is over.

    3. AvatarMary Lee

      You are not alone! When my husband was dying a slow, 10-year death for which I took care of him, my child and one stepchild just…disappeared. As did my only Grandchild, whose tuition we had paid to an expensive school. I’m 70 now and feel as if the only family I have left is my 82-year-old brother. I feel sad and bereft most of the time, but I’m trying to let go and move on. Every morning I awake with sadness in my heart that I will never see them again. I was emotionally abused by my Mother and was determined to never be like that. I must have failed.

  5. AvatarPaula

    I just ordered your book, a single mother I raised my 25 year old son alone and was divorced when he was just 4. He is extremely bright and talented in the creative area, and also started doing well in the stock market this summer. I was both mother and father to him and worked so hard to ensure he had a great life however something is missing and and when he came home from NYC in March due to Covid and lost his Restaurant job it was devastating. He went to college in NYC and always resented coming back to his childhood home and blames me for so many things… I gave him both financial and emotional support but he only holds on to the negative things I did or said ( we are human) and has a severe anger issues. He told me my talking was exhausting to him and resented my offering of advice and suggestions which I did alot but it was hard for me to stop doing this… On October 1, he moved out to a larger nicer apartment and told me he changed his phone number and did not want a relationship with me and that he had ” warned” me if I kept suggesting things this would happen. I was shocked in the way he was so cold about this and I started crying and was very emotional… It has been 4 weeks and still no word from him, although 90% of his clothes and notebooks are still here. I have apologized so many times for things that might have hurt him, yet he has never apologized for the yelling at me or hitting walls.. I am a loving forgiving person who always wanted the best for him. I have a rewarding job and many good friends, yet he kept thinking i needed him for company, but while he was living here I had expected manners like ” good morning” some conversation, and helping me clean, etc, none of which happened…and I always had his favorite food and healthy snacks here and made dinner all the time. I hope in time he will understand that I did the best i knew how, even if a bit controlling at times… I never had a partner or boyfriend to help bounce things off of, so it was very hard…. I do forgive him and respect that he needs his space and to work on his career, yet I still cant believe he changed his phone number..

    Reply
    1. AvatarPam W.

      My dear Paula, I’ve read your story and can sympathize with you in so many ways. I was a divorced mom of two at one time. I worked fulltime, drove my son and daughter to soccer and ballet for years, cooked them dinner at night, cleaned my house, mowed my own lawn and actually had a little time to volunteer for a dog rescue. I think I know when my daughter and I got crossways; it was when she was in about the 8th grade. It was downhill from there apparently. She’s now 41, married with two children who I adore. My daughter and I have been on and off since high school. She’s said ugly things to her husband and his family and anyone who will listen about what an awful mother I was (am). I’ve asked if we can discuss it and try to iron things out. She says no, we must go to a professional counselor. Not knowing specifically what she’s upset about, I have apologized multiple times, asked for forgiveness, told her I needed to draw a line in the dirt and she needed to step over the line so we could move forward together, hand in hand, because my time is running out. I am 71. She’s not interested. I’m so sad. One day I’m up, the next I’m down. As I’ve read on this website, the tiniest breakthrough can get our hopes up and then drop us into the pit. I’ve been like this for years. The best thing I’ve ever done for myself is buy this book, Done With the Crying, by Sheri MxGregor. If you haven’t gotten it yet, you will find answers to many situations you’re in. I’ve read it thru once and now I’m going thru it again, underlining ideas I find pertinent to my situation , making notes, etc. I’ve started a journal and it helps me to read back thru what I’ve written to really get a grasp on my estranged daughter. I feel everything in this book is directed at me and if I am to get well, get over the crying and the depression, I need to take to heart what is written and follow the safe guidelines of how to “save myself”. No one can do this for me. So that’s where I am now. This year is coming to a close and I’ve made up my mind that I’m going to start a new life in 2021. My husband stands by my side and encourages me every chance he gets. He knows the hell I’ve been put thru with my estranged daughter and wants me to climb out of the hole she’s put me in. Only I can do that. I’ve put down my phone, stopped checking for texts or calls that never come and have decided I’m going to pursue a hobby or some worthwhile endeavor that will take my mind off of my daughter. If you have a close friend or relative you can depend on, talk to about your situation, cry on their shoulder, etc. I would recommend that. I always hold out hope that my daughter and I will reconcile…at some time…but I’m starting to realize this is probably not going to happen and I need to move on. I can’t begin to tell you the ugly things she’s done to me over the years. I need to make myself happy for the remainder of my life and quit waiting on my daughter. Perhaps its time for you to do the same. If you haven’t read it, be sure to check on the article “The Boat. It made me gasp when I read it. It really hit home. I hope I haven’t stepped on your toes or made you sad. I guess the reason I responded to you is to tell you it has taken me many years to come to the conclusion that I need to save myself. You will reach that point too, I hope. The book will be very enlightening. Please take care of yourself, do nice things for yourself and others, think positive thoughts and know that you can be strong enough to move on. I’m on my way. It’s been a long journey but I think I can make it.

  6. AvatarSally Z.

    I just came back from a 3 day weekend for my 31 year old estranged daughter. She invited me, i had plans canceled them and said yes to her invite. After two days of slights and disrespect i broke down o. Hsr birthday, i felt set up. Im home now and now i want to disengage because whats the use, my granddaughter is mimicking her behavior and so im done. Its not gonna work. It is so unhealthy that i get to the poin t of considering sucide. So now i have to block these 3 days and concentrate on surviving. I feel pathetic but tomorrow i will con entrate on my job.

    Reply
    1. rparentsrparents Post author

      I’m sorry, Sally. I’m glad you shared here, and I know there are many parents who will relate.

      Tomorrow will be better. Yes, you can shake it off. Please take kind care of yourself. Many big hugs to you!

      Sheri McGregor

    2. Avatarnewchapter101

      Hi Sally Z,
      I feel the pain in your post from October. How abut next time just Don’t Go ? I decided to not go anymore – I know it HURTS when their kids (our grandkids) mock the hateful behavior exhibited by our estranged adult children. Inter-generational trauma – they are swimming in it but can’t see the forrest for the trees. Let’s CHOOSE LIFE for ourselves. We don’t need to dance this dance anymore – lets recapture US okay? We can do this – it’s going to be okay. Hang in there. Sending love and compassion your way.

  7. AvatarMarlis

    Randa W. This reminds me so much of my own situation. Ours is not a complete estrangement but our contact with them happens when they feel like it (which is not often) and provided my son in laws mother has had her share (or more) of being with the grand children. I would not even Call it real contact. Just Birthday invitations where
    all their friends are there too. I dont know what is going on in their lives (and the kids) and it is as if they dont want me to know. Our son in law has Aspergers and he is a difficult man to get on with. Also very controlling. I have taken into consideration that it might be difficult for my daughter but how difficult is it to tell the grand kids to answer Birthday greetings which they never do (to show some respect). We have accepted a lot for our grand childrens sake but i have come to a point where it is not healthy for me any more and i have to look after our well being. To constantly being rejected hurts too much.
    I make no further contact and see what will happen. It probably suits them fine. Maybe you are not there yet and i think you have to do what feels best for you. Yes they can prevent us from seeing our grand children but would that not be a lousy thing to do from their side? I know what my husband and i have done for our grand children (when we were allowed to have them). I think they will always remember that. That is my only consolation.

    Reply
  8. AvatarRed

    Randa, maybe I’m wrong for saying this but maybe you should be happy that your daughter is making a effort for you to see and spend time with your grandchildren. As the grandchildren grow older other activities take over the families time such as sports or lessons in other interests of the children. This can be time consuming for the parents and if they work very tiring. My son and his wife have been estranged from my husband and I going on five years now and not a word from them no phone calls or emails or messages. Feel blessed that at least you have some communication. How I would give anything to hear from son. God bless. Red

    Reply
  9. AvatarRanda W.

    I’ve read this over and over. It’s been over 3 1/2 years now. Yes, there has been forward movement, but that is fanning the flames of hope as her only reason to contact us is to facilitate us seeing our three grandsons. (2 years where we didn’t see them at all) We were so very much a weekly fixture in their lives before this and I feel angry and robbed of the past 3 1/2 years. I see this current arrangement not ending. When we do see them, my daughter and son-j-law are like none of this happened. Conversation is like it was before the estrangement. That would be great if we could get back to how things were, but we are still blocked on her phone and email is our only form to commincate. Email is used to facilitate seeing the grandsons (now in 6th grade, 7th grade and a sophomore in high school) or to communicate what they boys want for birthdays or Christmas. Any attempt by me to use it for catching up (small talk) is ignored. The boys are old enough to communicate on their own, but they don’t and I have no idea if it is because they are not allowed to or it is their choice. We aren’t’ allowed to discuss this situation with the boys…fair. We also aren’t allowed to discuss anything with our daughter. Our son-in-law refuses to meet with me or my husband to talk about our situation. So, how do I stop the ruminating and grief, the what if’s when every couple months or so it is opened up with an out of the blue email arranging to see the boys? I’m trying to accept this is how it is, but those emails along with the actual visits take me weeks to get past the grief. I know not seeing the boys might help, but not seeing them kills me. My husband of 43 years, her father, wants to just cut them off completely. I can’t do that, but is that what I need to do to accept and move on?

    Reply
    1. AvatarMartin I.

      After years and years of hoping for some kind of decent communication, the only thing we get is enduring grief. Is there no limit to our suffering? We try to get over it, we forgive, we live with it, but the salt never stops getting poured into the wound, over and over again. For some reason the shrinks think we should just go on suffering, apparently for decades, they won’t just say that yes, you may allow the healing process to begin by going ahead and cutting off the communication from your end as well. That way you do not keep having your soul ripped out and stomped on constantly. I think this might fall into the category of Toughlove. I don’t see the difference in NOT communicating from our end, because that’s exactly what it already is. You either have NOT communicating or cut them off and have NOT communicating, same thing. The only difference is on one of the NOT communicating scenarios you’re allowed to heal and I think that’s where I’m going with this.

    2. rparentsrparents Post author

      Exactly, Martin. That’s why I started this site and wrote my book. Move forward…for yourselves! Hugs to you, Sheri McGregor

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