December 6, 2018 at 6:33 pm #64679
I have been reading, but not posting. It is now 16 days until my daughter gets married. 2 weeks ago, her and I had over a 2 hr. conversation on the phone. It was a good talk. We both expressed ourselves, she listened and validated my concerns for her relationship, never coming to his defense or even admitting she loved him. She agreed to meet with a counsellor and myself at the local women’s shelter as well as my therapist ( The Cursing ex nun) YAY!!!!
A week of I love you’s and superficial talk, we met. I gave her a chocolate Christmas Countdown Calendar as I always have and Christmas Ornament that is a private family joke but will also be her safe word.
She denied our whole phone conversation. She denied he assaulted her, even though he admitted it and refused to answer any questions. I have been sh*& for over 5 years now and her dad is a liar according to Pastor Daddy and his entourage. It was 3 hrs of hell. The Counsellor also recommended to her she postpone her wedding to work on her fractured relationship with us, that wasn’t fractured before her husband to be entered the picture.
I get an I love you the next day. I want you guys to come see me at work etc..etc.. My husband went 2 days ago as he had a dentist appt in the same building. All he got was” Are you walking me down the aisle or not? I need to make arrangements by the end of the week”
He cried all the way home.
We were suppose to go see my therapist last night. I called in the morning to make arrangements of where to meet so she could follow me there as it’s hard to find. I asked her if she was going to participate and be honest cause if not, there is no point. She screamed at me” I don’t have to answer your effin questions” read your damn bible… I’m to leave and cleave. I don’t need a safe word.
I cancelled the appt.
I am DONE!
My mom gave her some clothes last night as she is broke from supporting him and this wedding. She shared with my mom, that her job is in jeopardy again. They asked to check her phone as she goes to the bathroom too much. He messages every 5 minutes.
My daughter has always been a hard worker and very good at her jobs, taking the responsibilities seriously….this could be the 2nd job she loses in the 6 months she has been with this yahoo.
NOT MY PROBLEM!
My Husband and I have an appt. at mental health on Tuesday. The counsellor at the women’s shelter talked to me after she walked out. Did I forget to mention that? She refuses to answer questions so gets hysterical and walks out. The counsellor agrees there are some underlying mental health issues. She disassociates all the good we have ever done and focuses on one moment where I couldn’t fly across the country to see her as we were broke. In her eyes, I abandoned her.
Just damn 🙁 16 days and I know she is lost to us. Leave and Cleave 🙁
December 7, 2018 at 6:55 am #64704
“The counsellor agrees there are some underlying mental health issues. She disassociates all the good we have ever done and focuses on one moment where I couldn’t fly across the country to see her as we were broke. In her eyes, I abandoned her.” ~ LAKE45
Dear LAKE45, thank for bringing the forum up to date on your situation. The beginning of the post gave reason for excitement, until you mentioned her text to her father … 🙁
I wasn’t aware that the above-mentioned behavior is disassociation. Hmm (??). I learned that my ES told his aunt that he felt abandoned when I was unable to attend his events. He was aware that I had no income and was recovering from a health issue, and from my point of view, he messages indicated that he was fine and understood. Do you think this behavior is disassociation?
I would say that you have done everything humanly possible to assist your daughter. Another thought I had was, what if you portrayed yourself as in full support of her nuptials to this abuser? If she she is regarding this as an issue of control or is being oppositional, how would she respond to a shift in your position. Hey, its a shot that I admit to just pulling out of the air.
We are here for you, as support and the rollercoaster ride too. I am so sorry that your efforts did not have a more promising outcome.
December 7, 2018 at 2:35 pm #64722
Oh, Lake, my thoughts were how obvious your daughter seems to be irrational but perhaps to the daughter, her path in life to “leave and cleave” is totally rational. Besides mental illness, people who abuse drugs and alcohol often become irrational while under the influence. Our EC show us who they are and how they are and this young lady has laid her true self out to you and its shockingly strange, odd, sad. I am so sorry. I have mental illness and drug/alcohol abuse in some of my EC. It ain’t pretty.
Counseling really helped us because this other person was telling us we weren’t the bad guy as we were painted by the EC and we learned to find our own self worth and value. And for me, changing how I think was the most important thing I have done “to heal” from all this estrangement. Not that I have perfected it and I still go back into these dysfunctional thinking patterns of mine but at least I now catch myself and shake myself out of it. I learned to let go of outcomes and just accept and move forward in my own life. It may seem like a good parent doesn’t detach emotionally from their adult child’s behaviors but the alternative is to stay emotionally tangled and emotionally upset or sick over something we have no power to control, didn’t cause, and can’t cure or fix. Swim for the shore and save yourself.
Bee, the psychological definition of disassociation is different than perhaps what Lake used or meant.
I took this definition off the internet dictionary — “a state in which some integrated part of a person’s life becomes separated from the rest of the personality and functions independently.” People who disassociate in a psychological way usually don’t remember what happened during these times. It is thought that some people with borderline personality disorder may disassociate. The term to disassociate is also used in every day language in a non-psychological way and can also mean to remove oneself from something, to stop associating with someone or something. From what you wrote about your ES, it is unclear if he was in a state of separation from the rest of his personality or reality, unable to share his true feelings with you, or just lying to the aunt for attention, manipulation, control, whatever.
December 8, 2018 at 2:39 am #64720
My advice here is from my perspective but I have walked your daughters shoes.
I myself met and married a man just like your daughter will probably be doing. When I was very younge I met a man very much been described by a therapist as a narcissistic/phychopath personality.
When your young you dont listen to your inner voice as you have nothing to compare this too. I can remember walking out of the car in my wedding dress thinking what the hell am I doing but still walking forward to a man that didnt deserve me.
Unfortunately no matter what you say about him this will only make her back him up and defend him think of it like brain washing they are very good to making things that dont happen happen they are the perfect “sales person” like what she said about abandoning her he would be saying “ see I told you they weren’t good parents they couldn’t even fly across the country to see you when you needed them the most” they turn things around to get the closest people out of your lives its called control and they are masters at doing it as they see the closest to their partner as a threat to their world of manipulation.
Whilst my parents could see I could not no matter what happened was their violence absolutely, I still would always defend him this I feel she is doing now what can you do about it educate yourselfs about phychopath personality and narcissistic personality whilst this may be scary words knowledge is always the key to success.
As much as you want to protect her from him be careful as his goal will be to get you out of her life and he is succeeding be the winner, be “seen” to support her and her partner even though you want to scream “how cant she see this” Until her brain snaps and says I’m done and this will happen believe me just dont be seen as being critical as this only gives him all the ammunition that he needs to achieve what he wants to achieve.
I know this is hard but unfortunately you have done all you can and unfortunately she has to walk this path on her own, she will one day see what you have always known but it has to be her decision be supportive dont put pressure on her as much as you want to shake her for her to see what you know.
My advice to you is only from my experience and I hope some of this helps dont give up because she will need you like I needed my mother the day finally I came to my senses.
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