February 6, 2019 at 5:40 pm #71247
There has been a lot of talk lately about people changing, wanting to change, thinking about changing their username.
When people go to sign up for the forum, they are warned, strongly advised, and cautioned to choose something that does not identify them. (Also suggested that a name that makes them feel good is chosen.)
When I see someone choose their own name, their email or a portion of either, the registration gets deleted. I may miss a few
Usernames are not able to change. One trick is to assign a nickname that will show, but the original name is still used for login. If a new public nickname is decided upon, it can make old threads nonsensical because people are still referring to the old name.
The only way to get around this is to register in a new way, with new email address and new username. But then you’re new and nobody on here knows you’re actually an old member.
All if this is complicated. PLEASE … choose wisely. Read the instructions when you register. They’re there for a reason.
February 7, 2019 at 4:28 pm #71359Yellow RoseParticipant
Pick something fun and positive that isn’t your name or a location that would easily recognizable as you. Words matter and if we name ourselves something negative, we may stay stuck in that negative label longer than is beneficial to us. Who knows, in a month or six months we may feel totally different – hopefully, we will be moving forward with a new perspective. And welcome!
February 7, 2019 at 6:04 pm #71380
Yes, that’s what new users are advised. It’s more fun to think of yourself as you want to be, were, or truly are behind the anguish of the moment. Because that will go away!
March 6, 2019 at 5:13 am #73773TheblueskyParticipant
Just seeing if I’m still on board here. The phone format does not let me see my whole reply. Tried desktop and submitted but don’t know if my response went through that way. Sorry if off topic here. Just holding that my user name still worked.
March 7, 2019 at 5:37 pm #73932RebelParticipant
I believe mine is what I feel, the movie, Rebel without a cause! Don’t believe anyone will ever think of me! Sometimes I feel like I have nothing, therefore being the rebel! Hope to hear from all of you!
March 11, 2019 at 4:01 pm #74178sonshineParticipant
I’m new here as well. My username is sonshine…with hope that my son will shine again in my life. He is greatly missed and this estrangement from me and my family is going into it’s 5th year. I’m getting better, but my heart is still forever broken. Thankful for this community.
June 14, 2019 at 3:00 am #83243
Hi sonshine I’m blue never thought i would be on a web-site for the broken-hearted. Any advice? How. Do i move on?
April 12, 2019 at 1:56 am #77081AndeParticipant
I’m new here also.. My user name is Ande ,my nickname as a young girl in scouting in my youth. My daughter is a Borderline Personality, which has been extremely difficult to deal with as some of you must already know. I have stepped away from her because I choose not to be abused. But that does not change the fact that deep inside I am still a Mom and was a very good one …It makes me sad at times as I am sure it does for all of you. I am thankful for this community !
April 12, 2019 at 1:59 am #77083
Ande, I hope you will post in the other threads, or start a new topic of your own. Your post might not be seen much in this particular thread.
I’m really sorry about your daughter. Sometimes, parents really must do what is necessary to preserve their own sanity.
Please take good care of yourself, and know that there are many here who also have adult children with mental health diagnoses.
May 13, 2019 at 4:39 pm #80203NewworldarisingParticipant
I am brand new here and my user name reflects what I hope for myself and my husband. I am amazed at how much comfort I feel from reading posts – mainly, my husband and I are not alone. We are good parents, like all of you and just reading these posts has inspired me to get up, put on a little makeup and move on with my day. It’s not easy, definitely a process, but we deserve it. Thank you!
May 14, 2019 at 10:40 pm #80434peachy19Participant
newworldarising i am fairly new i jumped in because mothersday, my son and grandaughters birthdays were approaching and i knew that i would not be part of of the celebations and my heart was broken so i bought the book done with the crying it is informative and interactive the one i could understand is that it is not my fault and to stop blaming myself for his decision to cut me off from his life and go on with mine .what i was important is to pay attention to why i kept beating myself up this was his decision no matter how many times i said sorry no reply so i found that this too will pass i will not blame me i will read stay healthy and enjoy my life
May 29, 2019 at 11:54 am #81825ZombieParticipant
June 14, 2019 at 3:00 am #83242
Hi I’m new too. Ive been sad for awhile not sure how to deal with this unreal situation i find myself in. Children that were my joy . How can they do this to me?
June 14, 2019 at 3:01 am #83244
Hey Sheri its blue having a tough time letting this go and not letting it consume my days. Any thoughts?
June 14, 2019 at 3:02 am #83245
Wish i could move on let all the hate , bitterness move from my heart.
June 15, 2019 at 6:44 am #83370DottyParticipant
I’m glad you found us, but very sorry to hear that you are hurting.
Have you read Sheri’s book, Done with the Crying? This is such a valuable resource for learning how to move past the pain, bitterness and hate. It has helped me so much, and so many folk on this forum.
I have lost a much-loved son to estrangement, and as a result of the mess a brother has stirred up, other family members have also estranged themselves. So sad, and so unnecessary.
Please post more of your story when you feel able, but in the mean time please do try and get hold of a copy of the book. It’s available on Amazon.
August 5, 2019 at 6:19 pm #88751JustifiedParticipant
Hi All, My username now seems like it wasn’t a
good idea. I just binge watched a show and couldn’t think
of a good username. It might sound bitter, I’m not, just
hurt. I’m just a 63 year old Mom who misses her
grandsons who like me, don’t have a choice. My house
Is on the market and looking forward to a new chapter
In life. Wishing you all a good day.
August 5, 2019 at 6:39 pm #88767
Dear “justified,” your user name did not make me think of you as bitter. To me, it sounded immediately like someone with a good sense of self, who feels justified in taking good care of herself/himself so they can have a good, meaningful, and satisfying life despite estrangement.
August 6, 2019 at 3:17 am #88812JustifiedParticipant
Hi All, Nice to laugh for a change.
Anyone seen Timothy Olyphant? I don’t
Know if I spelled that correctly, but he makes
me laugh. He’s a good actor in my
opinion. This group helps me so much.
Thank you and have a good night.
August 6, 2019 at 9:50 pm #88848
I am okay sticking with my username Rattlesnake. I have my reasons for choosing it, but if I had more time to think about it I would have called myself Number8. That handle would have a very significant meaning regarding me ending up on this forum. I used to be close to my son (before he married his current wife) and he called on me to help with his kids so much that I helped raise them along with he and his ex wife.
In the past year, he listed me as #8 on his “living will” which detailed 8 different people in order who he wished to take care of his children if there was any reason he and his wife could not. #1 was his wife’s sister in a different state whom he barely knew, #2 and #3 were bridesmaids from the wedding he only met on the weekend of his own wedding (but he listed them as ‘his friends’ as if they were close and he’d known them forever, on this so-called document. #4 was her brother, same circumstance, different state, ES doesn’t know him. #5 and #6 were my daughters, both in distant states but at least he knows them, and they know his kids.
#7 was her own mother, who lives in a different state, and I also knew in advance DIL does not like her own mother. What I don’t know is if her mother knows about this hurtful “living will.”
And obviously, #8 was me. So after crying for three weeks straight when I learned of this, I finally confronted my son and he said first of all he didn’t think I’d ever see that, and second of all, these were for his imaginary kids, not the ones he already has with his ex wife. That is not how he worded it, and the document just said “his kids” not kids he might have in the future. Neither me, nor my daughters (both with Ph.Ds), nor two counselors picked up that this was for possible future children as my son said, after I disclosed how upset I was.
But he still does not get it. I never thought for a second that document would have any legal meaning. I was hurt that my son would list me as last on any such list. There is only one reason for it and it was to hurt me. Since that time he has tried over and over to convince me that I am paranoid, stupid and the one who “doesn’t get it.” And he tried even last week to convince me again that it was perfectly normal to write such a document. Sometimes he claims is she was “not behind it” as if this was his idea, and other times of course he flat out admits she was, and defends her because as a “social worker she SEES SO MUCH” (that she feels everyone should have a legal document to detail at least 8 possible caretakers in succession if something should happen where the kids who are not conceived yet can be cared for?) Alrighty then….
The point is though I cried over it a lot, now I am laughing like most everybody else does when they hear of this. He does not understand that is old news to me, but I will never believe it was not done with the only purpose being to hurt me.
August 12, 2019 at 4:27 am #89288
They hurt us in so many ways!
I wish they would use their “creativity” and ‘intelligence’ and abilities and time and effort and life, to do other things with their talents.
Gosh, I rarely look at this section of the forum, so I am not sure many others will see your post,
but I AM glad I happened to see it.
Thanks for sharing that , even though I am very sorry you had to go through the emotions and thoughts that must have caused you.
I comprehend them listing many people, because most of those they listed would NOT be at all interested in such a big, demanding (and often thankless!) task!
However, listing you as number 8 was so wrong,
that I am personally glad you did not choose that for your username.
You are worth a much better one.
Welcome to you. Nice to meet you, too.
(Btw, some of us, me included, would not even be on such a list made by our adult child…. but that doesn’t make up for your being listed that way, either! )
Reading and thinking about this post of yours, causes me to want to write a poem,
that would begin….
How do they hurt us?
Let me count the ways…..
hmmmm…sounds familiar, doesn’t it? 😉
It is truly shocking though, the lengths to which they go.
August 12, 2019 at 4:28 am #89289
I hope you did not take my tired evening humor as flippant. I truly comprehended the deep hurt that the document list, would cause, and did cause you!
Welcome to Blue. I had not seen your posts.
I hope to see you on other topic threads, where people will answer your questions, much more than hereon this one.
Welcome also to Justified.
August 12, 2019 at 1:58 pm #89351
Hi Need others.
I did not find your humor flippant and in fact over time I try to see some humor in some of it myself.
I get what you are saying that some here would not be make it to be anywhere on such a list but I guess I feel being number 8 is in some ways worse than not being on it. It is a little hard to explain but I believe the “list” was only made for one reason and it had nothing to do with who would take care of their future (imaginary) children. The reason for the list was to hurt me, and to create a permanent wedge between my son and I.
My son cannot plan for one day in advance, let alone years in advance for children not yet conceived. Sad but true, he would NEVER think of such a thing. It was all her idea and he has admitted that to me, but tried to defend her in needing such a thing because she is a “social worker” and sees so much. Funny, but I don’t know any other social worker who needed a list of 8 potential caretakers for children not yet conceived.
August 13, 2019 at 3:31 am #89388
I definitely see your point, in your entire posts, and in your last sentence especially and specifically.
It is true that no one does that. I have seen many professionals who have all seen many scenarios, yet no one reacts to the knowledge and experiences, by making that extensive a list and at that timing.
Also, you do know them, far better than any of us could, so I trust your judgement as to their motives.
She sounds like quite a difficult one to have in your family. And your son did go along with it, and is an adult too.
To do something like that, solely or mainly to hurt you, would make me extremely careful about the relationship with them. A propensity like that, would show up in other issues as well. It would cause me to be cautious and self-protective in all areas where they are involved.
Honestly I hope you can focus as much as possible on your own life, from here on, as they are clearly doing that. I would choose to distance myself, as they will surely cast me aside, again, and be hurtful when I least expect it, in the future, if I do not remain aware of their manner of doing things, which shows from their actions.
Personally I would not put time or effort or energy into anything “retaliatory” even though there would be a mixture of anger and other emotions on my part. I myself, would choose to try to express that with some other outlet, and then, to put my own energies into something good, and for people who need and want and benefit from, my input.
I do not see any actual benefit to you or to anyone, of your attempting to make clear to them, that their action is not warranted or right. You tried to interact with him about it, which was worth trying, and that is all I would do. Now,
Either their actions will be different from that in the future or they will not.
It does not seem “paranoid” at all to me, to simply take in the reality of their actions.
I understood what you said about your feeling worse than if you were not on it.
And I am very glad you understood that humor is one of my own coping methods, that I rely on heavily, with all of my difficult challenges, in my life.
Even though, some of this is not funny. My own emotional pain from my adult daughter’s actions, has had a huge negative impact on me. I find it very challenging to use any and all of my coping methods.
Still, resorting to lashing out toward her, in some way, or to chasing and begging for her to change toward me, would not be successful in my situation, and would not help me any, so I retreated.
I also would fear that any action on my part might cause even worse reactions on her part, so I must move on without her. Very sad and hurt by that, but tht is my own situation, which is much different from yours.
But overlaps, in that, we are both disappointed with the shocking hurts, they choose to hurl in our direction.
I hope that my thoughts help you to deal with your own. I fully know that my ideas might not fit for yourself or for your adult son.
August 13, 2019 at 4:58 am #89420SapphirePeonyParticipant
I am so sorry for all the hurt that has been your experience with your ED. But you need to know how many of us here deeply appreciate and are so grateful for all your loving care and concern in efforts to help so many other hurting EP. Your kindness and gifts of thoughtful suggestions resonate clearly to us all and I believe significantly help us to cope and grow in our new lives post estrangement. You bring great comfort. Thank you for being a faithful friend to so many of us! Hugs, Sapphire Peony
August 13, 2019 at 11:43 am #89428
Yes, along with SapphirePeony, I appreciate your kind and thoughtful words, Needothers.
August 13, 2019 at 10:39 pm #89490
That message, you put here, means so much to me. Thank you.
It does help me to hear that my presence here matters, and does have value for others, who are hurting and needing some input from others who are accepting and understanding.
This message from you is so full of goodness, thank you.
And for your understanding too. To ED, I am totally worthless. My love and kindness means nothing at all to her. It helps, what you wrote.
And thank you to Rattlesnake for adding your appreciation as well. That is good of you.
And every bit of positive we hear, helps to fill the well they emptied, and the gaping hole they left, when they left our lives.
many hugs and much caring, from me….
October 9, 2019 at 9:12 pm #93882
Please check the few reply posts I just submitted today.
My computer was inserting things into my sentences that do NOT mean to be there.
Please check them and remove any very discordant stuff possibly inserted, if there is any!
It is very obvious, if it is there.
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