January 29, 2018 at 2:31 am #43251
I’m having a hard time lately. I know the sensible logistics. I have not cried in a long time. I’m a blubbering idiot now. Just thank you for letting me say this. I love all of you.
As always, Peace and Love,
🎶 💜 🌎 🌼 🐬
January 29, 2018 at 1:47 pm #43272AUSSIEMOMParticipant
Oh Blue Sky, you know quite frankly, I don’t think these feelings of rejection and sadness ever completely go away and you’ve been an inspiration for others here, so, too, will we be for you. Your sense of humour, your whimsical way at looking at things, your strength for others here over the time I’ve been here, has been so appreciated. It sounds simple to say you are not alone. Not here. BlueSky you are only human.
Heck, look at me on my second marriage ‘rejected horse’ riding the waves of my feelings of being hurt. You’d think I’d be putting that horse away in the stables wouldn’t you after thirty five years but no, I coped back then quite admirably, keeping my mouth shut and doing all the right things of loving my stepdaughter, still do, to this day, missing her…but here all these years later out it pops on this board for heaven’s sakes…. where did that come from…I say….
I think when there is trauma in our lives, it’s sometimes hard to call it that, to see it as that. Estrangement is a horrible trauma and to you, Blue Sky, can I say, we are only human. When we’re hurt, we’re hurt. Sending you a cyber hug,
January 29, 2018 at 2:09 pm #43280rparentsKeymaster
Seeing your name appear on the board lately, I wondered if you were doing okay.
Of course, what AussieMom said about trauma, yes, estrangement is a trauma. Do consider it that way, and be good to yourself.
I also want to say that setbacks, if you want to call it this, are not unusual. There could be other things going on that are tough, and the the “trauma” of those hook with familiar feelings. It could be that there are other traumas, past or present, that need to come out right now … and they are put into the container of estrangement by you because it’s there (and perhaps safer, easier, less intrusive, etc). Or, it could just be that you needed to get more out about the estrangement, because it was still bothering you.
Along the journey of long-term estrangement, there are different points to reach where the feelings change. Our perspectives change, and sometimes when time goes by, and a new realization occurs about it, well, that can be traumatic in and of itself. We need to “cope” with new realizations because they sometimes really hurt.
Or, heck, it could just be that like a wet washcloth, no matter how hard you wring it out, there is still another drop–so much so that you hurt your hands trying to squeeze and squeeze, and still, there’s more.
I’m going to say one more thing, and please don’t take it negatively. I mentioned earlier that seeing you back on the boards made me wonder if you were doing okay. Another thought also occurred, and that was that it’s possible to “renew” the pain. Reading about others’ trauma can trigger our own, even if it’s long past. In trying to help others, we can hurt ourselves. This is why those in the helping fields must recharge and seek support for themselves, and learn to acknowledge their own … well, you could say weakness, or just call it humanness.
TheBlueSky, thank you for gracing the site here with you You-ness.
January 29, 2018 at 4:53 pm #43285patientParticipant
sending you cyber hugs – its okay to cry xx
January 29, 2018 at 4:55 pm #43282RainbowParticipant
Dear Thebluesky, I am sorry you are having a hard time lately. Even after all these years, I have my down moments. Sometimes something will trigger it. We’ve been deeply hurt, my dear friend and I believe the scars that we bear on our hearts truly never heal entirely. I had a hard time this holiday season. I really couldn’t seem to shake the down feeling. Eventually, it did pass and then something else seemed to slither in and trigger my emotions again. Estrangement is an emotional roller coaster ride and for me the passing of another year, the older I get and the realization and acceptance that this is what it is, I have to accept what I cannot change there are moments when all of this is just too hard to swallow,my shoulders burdened. I hear you,my friend. Please be kind to yourself and if you can learn from me just one thing, it is to go out there push your shoulders back and enjoy life as best as you can. Please don’t waste precious time. I did for so many years and now in hindsight . . . . Sending you hugs and my prayers that your heart will find its way to peace. Love, Rainbow
January 29, 2018 at 5:04 pm #43281Yellow RoseParticipant
For me, personally, the Christmas holidays have not been “fun” for years and lead to a kind of let down feeling all January. This year was especially tough. Its cold here, and gray, and there’s no happy memories of Christmas to shore me up emotionally. I tend to beat myself up for feeling down or let down but today am thinking its just normal for me, its okay, it will pass. Whatever is bothering you, I am hoping you have brighter days ahead. Best wishes to you.
January 29, 2018 at 5:05 pm #43286NingParticipant
Sending you courage to accept how you feel. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Have endless compassion for yourself.
We are so hard on ourselves. We judge ourselves for feeling our pain. Go gently and gracefully into your pain. It will ease, I promise.
January 29, 2018 at 7:04 pm #43293MovingongrannyParticipant
The blue sky: its ok to cry. Crying cleans the soul! As least that’s how I feel. I will pray for you for peace; and try to think about “now” not yesterday, tomorrow, just live in the now. Go for a walk or sit outside and look at what beautiful surroundings you have! Breathe in and tell yourself: “I’m loved”.
January 29, 2018 at 7:21 pm #43304missmarleygirlParticipant
I just want to thank you for all the help and support you’ve given to me and others over the years that I have been here. You always have a kind word, something wise to share, or some way to make us smile. Your contribution to this site has been invaluable. You have comforted us when we’ve need a hug, you’ve counseled us when we needed advice, and you’ve made us smile when we’ve needed someone to brighten our day. Now it’s your turn. Be kind to your self and remember how very much we appreciate you here and how very much you’ve contributed to the healing of others. Being a blubber idiot is not always a bad thing… Sometimes you just need to get through that to move on to the next step towards healing. Hope you’ll have found that place by the time you read this.
Cosmic love dust and cyber hugs,
January 30, 2018 at 12:07 am #43313butterfly099Participant
I am sorry you are feeling sad. You were offered great advice and I don’t have much to add.
Just want you to know that I hope your recover quickly. I will be praying for you.
Peace, love and Hugs
January 30, 2018 at 2:34 am #43318kittylvrParticipant
I’d read your note yesterday. You’d shared the son who was soon to turn 40. Yesterday was my sons birthday. He turned 42.
What I remember about his birthdays, when he was young, he was so easily pleased. Fun is what he lived for. As he got older and was away, he’d call me on his birthday before I could call him. It was a special day for both of us he’d said. He did this for a number of years. Sometimes secretly from the spouse.
Was it a trigger for me. Maybe not so much yesterday as the day after, realizing it will never be anymore.
I’d had some health issues and a multitude of tests the last year. It was always hard. Not just doing this alone, but not having them to share this with. Doesn’t matter I know they don’t care to know. It matters I want to share it with them, as to me that is how it should be. But yes I know, it’s not how it will be.
I will share I am back to see my therapist. It’s what I need for me. I hope she doesn’t plan on retiring.
January 30, 2018 at 5:18 am #43316LostinCParticipant
Oh the blue sky. Crying shows your humanity your ability to feel to love, to attach. Rejection and estrangement change our story and our life . It becomes a life we didn’t anticipate and it’s hard. Xmas is hard and the loss is often felt more acutely . This Xmas my husband bought me a puppy and it has changed my life. He is something to love and take care of. I’m healing but will always bear the scares. You have been a bright light on this site and I’m here to tell you it’s okay to cry it’s not weakness but a strength. My thoughts are with you. Lostinc
January 31, 2018 at 6:39 am #43378
My dear friends, you all have warmed my heart so much. I want you to know that I just started typing names in the post title and ran out of space at Ann. But each and everyone of you were meant to be there.
Dear Aussiemom, yes, you and I exchanged often how that while most of life is now feeling pretty balanced and whole after these years have gone by, there is a very fragile line separating that from the rejection and sadness our bodies once felt so intensely. Through me off to cry as I did nonetheless. Indeed, our humanness makes us vulnerable. As always, thank you for your caring strength. And a big hug to you too.
Rainbow, I so appreciated your reminder of not wasting precious time. It can become easy to slip back into a pattern of gloom. Sending you and your hubby a lot of love.
Yellow rose, thank you for your kind thoughts. I am sorry that Christmas left you feeling down. Is it possible at all to consider a move to brighter year round skies? For me I know that to be able to gaze at the blue skies most every day is a big part of my well being. Thinking of you.
Missmarleygirl, if you don’t mind I gave your cosmic dust a periwinkle hue. You as well have inspired and made such a difference with your kind words. Thank you.
Ning, patient, moving on, butterfly, thank you all for your caring thoughts and support. To know that there are those that don’t even know me yet take the time to be a friend is priceless.
Kittylvr, birthdays, yes have always bothered me more then holidays. You have been through so much, and I’m glad that you are taking care of yourself with therapy. Much love to you.
Lostin, we lost our little bird this past September, but brought home a new little guy after Christmas. He is very spunky and has added a positive energy to our home. So glad that your puppy is bringing you joy. Thank you for your kindness and allowing me to see that although my crying jag shook me up, it was love really coming to the surface. Peace and love to you.
Dear Sheri, ah yes, much has changed. My husband and I both started new jobs end of August. On the upside financially we are doing much better. I am now with an extremely busy practice where I am treating acute and chronic pain patients. I do not have a moment to sit and I am EXHAUSTED. I still walk home and the other day I was so tired I thought I would pass out in the middle of the sidewalk. My husband gave me a beautiful new yoga mat for Christmas and I’ve yet to step on it.
Much of what you said I can see. I guess the only way the washcloth could be free of one more drop of water would be to put it out in the sun to dry completely. But then you would have to use it again.
Admittedly, I have been thinking more about the length of time that has gone by and the permanence of it all. And that is so sad. At my new job no one knows I have a son. Just a daughter and grandchildren. A few years ago I would just say oh my son lives there, he has busy life, haven’t seen in a while. People love to talk about their families. I felt in the past that I was just lying and I couldn’t do it anymore. That may sound messed up, but as Lostin said, our story has changed.
I peek here once in a while, but honestly this site has grown so much that I wouldn’t be able to keep up and follow everyone. That feels a little selfish, as this was my lifeline for quite a while and I wish I did have the time and energy. But I do agree, that once one has moved past a certain point, regression is a possibility if you relive the trauma. So it is a fine line. And the focus of the site is healing. So even if I am no longer a “regular” here, I think about and pray for healing for everyone seasoned and new.
Thank you for letting me cry. I’m sure it won’t be the last time. But my life goes on and I have much to be grateful for.
Peace and Love to all
February 1, 2018 at 3:52 am #43426AnnParticipant
I join late because my computer hard drive went kaput (only a week after my car sailed into the sunset on the back of a pickup truck headed for the scrap yard – both through old age!)
I’m sorry you were feeling so low. It’s horrible isn’t it and like nothing else in this world and I speak from many similar such black holes.
I haven’t read all of this thread yet, just your posts, I shall read it later when I’ve walked my little life saver dog. (I have to say it was a surprise to see my name listed, it made me feel like I mattered to someone!)
We are still in the throes of a miserable winter here which seems to be going on forever. I’m sure it doesn’t help. It seems to be all rain and mud, mud, mud…….. not much fun. I hope with the coming better weather all our spirits will see some sunshine. I certainly wish you and everyone else sunshine at last 🙂
My very best Wishes to you TheBluesky.
As the song goes, you’ll never walk alone – though it may bloomin’ well feel like it!
February 1, 2018 at 5:53 am #43461
Dear Ann, it was nice to see a response from you. Of course you matter! Although our journeys to this site were very different, our hearts were experiencing the same pain and struggle. You were among those that lifted me, and also helped move me to a place where I mattered too.
Hope the mud dries up, and the black holes keep shrinking and float away.
Peace to you,
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