Daughter in law is back

This topic contains 10 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by Avatar Millenials 6 months ago.

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  • #71699
    Avatar
    Hopeforfuture
    Participant

    Hello everyone,
    I think some of you remember my story. Long story short, loving son marries a bipolar young woman who completely takes over his life. She starts monitoring phone calls, insists on speaker phone, won’t let us see our son alone. Starts skipping family functions, slowly but ever slowly weeds us and our entire family out of the picture. They have has a son we have only seen 3 times.
    This has been going on for 2+and half years.
    Fast forward yesterday, she calls while my son is out of town and asks if she can bring grandson around. I of course am thrilled and say yes. She also did this around Halloween. My son never comes.
    Yesterday seemed different, she appears to be extremely remorseful about the situation and said she wants my grandson to know his other family. He is getting quite big now!
    I talked to her about my son, she said he’s not ready to see us. I told her all is forgiven on our part and we have an open door. I also broke down and told her the grief has been unbearable for me. The way I explain it, “no joy in my life” tough to admit that.
    She genuinely seemed concerned and remorseful and told me she was sorry. She said she didn’t want to push my son but she would throw off hints to him.
    My son has always been passive and quiet. When I asked how he was doing she said, “fantastic! He has lots of friends and his job his going great. She made it sound like getting the burden gone of having a family is just what he needed.
    I’m confused, thankful for the olive branch, but confused and still sad.
    Any opinions on where to go from here?

  • #71744
    Needothers
    Needothers
    Participant

    Wow, that is a confusing one! I don’t know.
    I would hold onto some hope, but I personally would not believe or trust everything she says, or how she acts in one visit. I would wait and see if there is any consistency in her follow-up.

    I would have some hope, but I wouldn’t put all of my eggs in trusting what she says or does for 1 day.

    You can feel good about what YOU said and did. You showed you are not holding up a brick wall, and have flexibility and caring, etc.

    You cannot control what she or he will or will not do, next, or later on, or next week.
    You let her know the door is open.
    I would wait to see what either of them do. That is just my reaction. There would need to be more follow-up from her or them, in order to make a major shift in the situation.

    I do hope for you, that things improve with them, for you.

    But I wouldn’t count fully on it. I would think it far too soon to know. Try to keep some of your focus on your other interests. Just my ideas, if any help you.

    • #72526
      Avatar
      Millenials
      Participant

      MamaG …Im having a rough day today but had to say I am having the same issue except my DIL hasnt made any attempts. Not expecting her to. No contact from son in almost a year.

  • #71769
    delilah
    delilah
    Participant

    y’know, what comes across is “having my cake and eating it”.
    “I want my son to have a big happy family, but I also need to believe my husband is happy and successful even though I destroyed his family….so I’ll just control this situation and get it how I would like it, because I still need it to be all about me”

    I’m not saying she isn’t genuinely remorseful and sad that her son has missed out. She’s likely seeing that now he’s getting big….but, maybe even with no awareness, she has carved your son out of your life, made him choose, and she did that for her needs. I am not saying he is blameless. We all know sons choose wives over mothers and stick their heads up their rear ends.

    Sounds like you coped really well with a difficult situation. I hope you can settle back onto your own nest after the visit, and centre yourself back in your own life.

  • #71797
    iamsweetjak
    iamsweetjak
    Participant

    I feel your pain completely.
    My DIL has caused issues between my ES and myself and ES and his brother. She states the same thing more or less. How awful it is that ES does not speak with me and that she wants to be supportive of ES’s Brother (my youngest son), however she causes problems to make what comes out of her mouth a Big Lie.
    She is a Huge Drama Queen and agitates situations unmercifully. Then she tries to fix things after problems she causes arise.
    I received a text from her a couple of weeks ago requesting that her and I sit down and talk to see if we can resolve the estrangement between My Son and I. I’ve tried doing this before during another estrangement My Son and I went through. She just tries to control everybody and pretends to really care how awful this Estrangement is.
    She doesn’t care, I see right through her.
    I’m not telling you what to do Hopeforfuture, but for me any communication is going to be between My Son and Myself. If he doesn’t want to, Well I can’t Control that. I absolutely will not get involved with His Wife.
    I will say something and she will totally turn it around and repeat something different to My Son.

    Just be Careful, Hopeforfuture. This is My Advice.

  • #71802
    KindSoul
    KindSoul
    Participant

    Saw this on Pinterest today (no author given) and it made me think of your situation, Hopeforfuture.

    “A sincere apology has 3 parts–I am sorry…It is my fault…What can I do to make it right?”

    It doesn’t sound like DIL feels any responsibility for this situation and it sure doesn’t sound like she’s apologizing for anything. Characterize people by their actions and you will never be fooled by their words. If it quacks like a duck and it walks like a duck, it’s still a duck. Chances are that nothnig has changed and she has an ulterior motive that best serves HER and not you.

  • #71810
    Yellow Rose
    Yellow Rose
    Participant

    Hopeforfuture, I think we often hear what we want to hear and assume people have our same values. So let’s not assume anything, nor allow a third party to be the lynchpin to your relationship with ES. Talk is cheap, actions are harder. We might assume, and that is the word assume again, that this DIL has some kind of feelings or needs to be in sporadic contact with you. But whether she is telling you the truth about what your ES feels or does is not something I would not assume. People’s words tell us what they are all about. It seems to me, and I am a skeptic at heart, that her visit is about her not about you. My advice would be to just enjoy it on the level that it is offered, as occasional getting to see GC, but do not get sucked into the vortex of this DIL going to solve the estrangement or change the situation or even being on your side.

  • #71824
    foreverhopeful
    foreverhopeful
    Participant

    Hopeforfuture,

    Sadly, the older I get, the less I trust others motives. Either your dil is having a rational moment and feels guilty or she has an ulterior motive…was she hoping to find you in a pile of ruins?
    Does your son know she is visiting you? If not, that to me is a huge red flag.
    I’m no expert but if it were me, I would leave the ball in their court and see how it plays out. This feels like some sort of game to me. I hope I’m wrong. just be careful and look out for yourself, first and foremost.

    hugs,
    Foreverhopeful

  • #71855
    sadlostbroken
    sadlostbroken
    Participant

    Dear Hope, I could totally be wrong, but I smell a fat rat. DIL caused the devide and now wants to be the hero. It appears to me that DIL knows she has control. People that cause this kind of destruction take pleasure in the hurt. I am glad she knows the door is open and could see you are still living your life. Something tells me she was there to observe, making sure you were in that dark place she put you in, distraught, unable to eat or sleep, loss weight and curled up on a sofa. A wolf in sheep’s clothing is still a wolf. You said she is bipolar and something tells me that has not changed.

    Personally, I would paint a smile on my face and hand out hugs and kisses with the best Southern charm available. I certainly would love up on that sweet GC any opportunity I had. If it was my situation, I would wonder if her motives were one of two things. 1. Making sure Is she still in control. 2. To make sure I still miss and love her by showing her my tears, grief and suffering. If your DIL doesn’t have empathy then you could have been speaking a foreign language because she wouldn’t really understand your feelings anyway. I could be totally wrong but my own AD shows this kind of behavior so I always have my guard up as she doesn’t really seem to have empathy, at least not for me. I have decided that I will never again show her any unhappy emotions or discuss the estrangement or my feelings because I think that is what she wants to see. Now, she will have to wonder because I’m not going to show her this side of me again. Honesty, I believe it will bother her more if I didn’t cry or act sad.

    The door is open but the heart has not forgotten. Where there is breath there is hope. We just have to work with the hand we were dealt. Unfortunately, I don’t even have two of a kind but I’m still playing the game of life.

  • #71865
    Avatar
    Hopeforfuture
    Participant

    Thanks everyone for your input. I believe the general consensus is don’t trust the dil, which I don’t.
    I’m still confused by my dil’s actions. Is it guilt? Manipulation? Just not sure. My grandson is only 3 but he stopped cold and saw the pictures on my refrigerator. Some were of me and my son. He stared for quite some time before I explained who everyone was. He is a sharp cookie and it won’t be long for him to put the pieces together. Maybe that’s why my dil is eager to reconnect us.
    My dil jumps to conclusions also. My sister in law deleted her from Facebook and she said she wouldn’t feel comfortable around extended family members because they are all talking crap about them. That isn’t true at all. Everyone in the extended family and it is big, are really sad and can’t believe this happened. They were the ones that put together a lavish wedding reception. They are definitely not grudge holders.
    I guess time will tell how this unfolds, I really appreciate the love and support from this sight.
    Love and peace to everyone.

  • #71937
    Avatar
    Sunshine69
    Participant

    Dear Hope, sonmething in your last comment stood out,
    Your DIL is mad because people deleted her off of
    FB. Mine said something very similar. She was upset my
    Sister deleted her and how can she be around the
    Family again if They all think bad of her.

    My sister did it On her own as she could tell my
    DIL was using it as a weapon against me with the
    GC.

    It amazes me that these girls are more concerned
    With FB, their self image, and the number of friends
    In their FB than their own husbands and trying to
    Mend things. Mend the family. Bring us all together.
    Again they need control. And with people deleting them, They lose control.

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