Did I fail my children…..

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    • #61614
      AvatarMoms60
      Participant

      I always prided myself on being a good mother doing the best I could no matter the situation

    • #61626
      newnormalnewnormal
      Participant

      I feel the same way. I am still shocked that my daughter could throw me away like last week’s trash. I live for my children. It isn’t you. Maybe we did too much and gave too much. I am really feeling like that now.

    • #61773
      FarmgirlFarmgirl
      Participant

      Me too! I am just so tired of being hurt. Thinking of all the things I did for my 2 boys and to be treated like this has been very hard. Glad to have this website and support from all of you.

      trying to make decisions about the holidays……sad

    • #61775
      AvatarAndsoitgoes
      Participant

      We did out best. We made mistakes – nobody is perfect. We loved and protected our children. The pain of estrangement is so very intense and personal. It is the most difficult thing I have ever endured and at age 60 – life has handed me a few big blows – nobody escapes that – I am going to turn this thought around. Did we fail our children or are they failing us and perhaps themselves?

      Sheri’s book helped me so much. I often refer back to it when I let my guard down and the pain floods in – Take care.

    • #61788
      foreverhopefulforeverhopeful
      Participant

      like all of us, I also did the best I was personally capable of. I am so angry at myself as well, because I always put myself last and in doing so I suppose I created a selfish son. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world and I fully accepted the challenge…I just always thought there would be more high points and payoffs for putting in the work and sacrifices…am I selfish for wanting as much back as I put in? my soul feels so empty and I wonder why I ever thought being a mom would be rewarding.
      I absolutely feel our EC are failing us and themselves. I never expected perfection…now I have a son who only accepts perfection for himself and lives in a world according to only himself.

    • #61796
      Avatarbhopeful
      Participant

      Foreverhopeful, you took the words out of my mouth! I feel my EC have failed me, that’s how I view it. I used to beat myself up over how they treated me even to the point I was convinced it could boil down to a Xmas gift of a life size doll but instead I bought my daughter a computer! Parents we did the best we could, we went above and beyond-We know we were good parents and did everything we could. So now today do everything you can to chose to be Happy inspite of our EC and the shortcomings. Look forward and be kind to yourself parents! Healing and blessings to all,
      Bhopeful

    • #61816
      AvatarMoms60
      Participant

      Thank you all for responding I intended to say more but could not find the words…..June will be 5 years of estrangement with my ES and I have come to accept we will never reconcile. My deepest sadness is for my younger son with special needs who ES also ignores, I used to take comfort in believing he would be there for his brother when I’m gone, the reality is only now hitting me.

    • #61817
      ImovinonImovinon
      Participant

      My grandpa gave me some very good advice when I was a young mother. His words ring in my ears even still today. When he was a young boy his dad died, leaving behind a widowed mom and eight children, during the depression. He was second oldest and had to quit school to work in the fields so his family could eat. He sweat for a whole day to earn 10 cents and bought bread for his family with it. He truly knew hardship, yet chose to be a good and happy person, full of love and kindness. I miss him so much. I admire him so much, I named my firstborn after him. That son is living a good life and is on the loving path, serving and loving others. (Unlike my EC.)

      Anyways, when my children were really little and we were just starting out and struggling to make ends meet, my oldest boy wanted a bicycle and it just wasn’t in our budget at the time. I remember telling Grandpa how I wish I could get it for him because I wanted him to have more than I had growing up. He told me, “I know you want to give to your children what you didn’t have growing up, but it is more important to give them what you DID have.” As we got promotions in our jobs and got better off through the years, we could afford more for our kids but my grandpas’s wise words kept me from lavishing them with gifts. And I still ended up with 2 EC.

      We can’t blame ourselves. The blame belongs to the ones with hate in their hearts and that is not us. I so agree with what has been said. Ansoitgoes, well said! Lets turn this thought around. We didn’t fail them, they are failing us and themselves.

    • #61879
      Avatarladywalker
      Participant

      From all of us having dealt with kids that have treated us so bad, just think how their kids will treat them when they are our age? Knowing that this generation is so selfish and into themselves, the generation they are raising will treat them even worse. We all did our best under the circumstances, and I think we all were fighting the changing times of society with social media overriding many of the things we taught them. At least that’s what I think happened with my three estranged kids. I have one son left whom I homeschooled and didn’t get caught up in all that stuff, and it shows. I’m thankful he can still think logically. Thank you all for sharing your heartache and challenges.

    • #61932
      AvatarLessonsLearned
      Participant

      Moms60
      I also have a child with Special Needs. I have been a Widow
      for 6 years now. My Husband and I knew that our ED WOULD
      NEVER be there for our Son. So years before my husband died
      we went to a Special Needs Lawyer and fixed everything so my
      Son would have a Trust Fund which would not be administered
      by our ED. We knew we could not trust our ED to right by our Son.
      So we hired a Company (referred by our Lawyer who also has a
      Special Needs Son) to take care of our Sons Trust Fund. At the
      time of doing all of this we also made sure it was fair to our ED
      and left our Estate 50/50 between our ED and Son.
      MY ED walked out of my life 8 months after my Husband died
      My Husband was ED’S bio Father. I waited three years for some
      sort of communication from ED even extended the Olive Branch
      three times. I never received a word from ED. I then took the
      step and cut out my ED from any Inheritance. It will all go to
      my Son for any needs he may have. He lives residentially with a
      Agency. After he dies the remainder will go to my 3 Grandsons. I
      am at peace with my decision. There are consequences for Bad Behavior.

    • #62251
      Avatartiredmom
      Participant

      I read the entries here and I feel the same as all of you. I raised my 2 children for many years as a single mother (divorced their father after 13 years of marriage).
      I am not perfect, but did my best.
      Imovinon-loved your words of wisdom. I am not angry with my ED-I am hurt by her estrangment. But I do realize she is full of hate (she also does not talk to her father).
      I told her many years ago that holding on to hate or bitterness only hurts you in end and affects ALL of your relationships in one way or another.
      I am close to my son-I told him I will never put him in the middle.

    • #62261
      walkingforwardwalkingforward
      Participant

      My husband and I were wonderful grandparents and I can only wonder what my grands, who we never see, have been told. I do know this much, their children are watching them and one day the tides may turn on these adult children. My older grands will remember us, the youngest ones do not know us. Our children made these decisions and will have to live with them. That’s what adults have to do, live with their choices. Unfortunately, so do we and we didn’t make the decisions

    • #62269
      PepperPepper
      Participant

      I read all these threads and can identify with all ! I find it very hard to stop beating myself up about being a failure as a mother. I was a single mother too for many years and did my utmost when I really examine myself I know I was a loving nurturing kind mother who would have done anything for my children.
      I try to hang onto this but on bad days I just feel such pain and wonder what I could have possibly done to be dismissed so easily and for my first born to be filled with such hate towards me. The worst is the loss of my grandchildren and the loneliness this estrangement brings.
      Peace and love to all 💖💖💖

    • #62295
      Avatarfreshstart
      Participant

      I have struggled with this idea of personal failure too. People who I’ve known for more than 30 or 40 years, and some all my life, assure me that I was there for my children in every way I should have been. Yet my children seem to remember it differently. I didn’t do enough, they say. Oddly, it isn’t for while they were growing up that they resent me (or so they say), it is for since they were in their 20s that they felt I should still be giving every moment of myself for them without regard to anything else. They are now in their 30s and 40s. I was told by my daughter, “Once a mother, always a mother.” She also said all the effort should come from me and that they, my 3 adult children, owed me nothing. It was all my job. And I wasn’t the mother or grandmother she thought I should be. And that since they all agree they must be right and I am in the wrong. I don’t think I taught them that! Where did they get the idea that no one else matters but them? None of them speaks to me anymore, 2 years for one, 1 year for another, off and on for the other but no contact since March. It’s been a gradual estrangement I could see and feel coming for the last 12 years, since I remarried. I was widowed last year and that seemed to finish me. I owe them apologies, they say. For not being what they think I should be. It eats at me, knowing they are wrong and wondering if it is my fault that they think that way.

    • #62296
      wkgmomwkgmom
      Participant

      I think it is normal for good mothers to question what we did wrong because as GOOD mothers we take the blame, we take the hurt we want to protect our child, even when they behave badly. I think that it has a lot more to do with society today than with our parenting however.

      We have become a “throw away” society. I mean, I remember my parents in the 70’s taking our large TV console to get repaired. We were without TV for like a week and oh my gosh my brother and I thought we would just DIE. Today, your TV breaks, you go to a big box store and buy another, better, brighter “smarter”. We don’t fix things anymore, it’s cheaper and most times better to just “get a new one”. I think this is a mentality that is now being applied to people as well.

      When our children see a “broken” parent, relationship, promise etc. It is broken forever in their minds and we are easily replaced with other distractions. They aren’t sitting there waiting for the tv to return from the repair man, they have gone to the big box store…… maybe the store name is therapy……….. and decided to just throw it away and get something new. A new distraction a new relationship someone who doesn’t make them feel bad about their choices or someone who will give them the validation they need to be “right” in throwing us away.

      Ok that was a bit scattered but you get my point right. Our parents weren’t perfect but we didn’t expect perfection from them either. We could disagree with them, listen to the lectures and move on without “hating them forever”. We were able to understand that people are important, family is important. Today all over social media and in college indoctrination classrooms they are told that they are riotous in bucking what their parents said or the values they were taught. They are told it is “healthy” to cut out “toxic” parents to find their “truth”. These are things that are soooooo wrong. You are not going to improve your health by cutting out your family and you are not going to find “your truth”. There is THE TRUTH. The truth is no one will put up with your crap like your mother, no one will stand by you through thick and thin like your mother. EVEN IF SHE HAS AN OPINION ABOUT IT YOU DON”T WANT TO HEAR!!!!!

      Look, if we were horrible parents we would not be here searching for answers and taking the blame like we all have done through this estrangement deal. If we didn’t give a rats [email protected]$ about our kids we wouldn’t think about them again when they walked away. No one on here should feel as if you failed. Please don’t feel that way. YOUR CHILDREN FAILED AT BEING DECENT HUMAN BEINGS!

      Quit taking the blame, quit shielding them from their responsibility. Go out and take back your life. You don’t have to stop loving them, you have to start loving yourself, and when you do you will find the relief you are searching for. It will not be overnight but it will happen. You will always feel this pain but you will learn to live with it.

    • #62466
      Avatarfreshstart
      Participant

      Love is a choice. I choose to love my EC every day, regardless of ever receiving love back. Then I cry a little, as I reflect on what I really thought my life would be. It sure isn’t what I got!

      Some days I feel so sad I could just curl up in a ball and never get up again. But I do because that won’t change anything. And, as my husband had pointed out years ago, “I guarantee you, you are the only one suffering. I don’t think they are thinking about it at all.” So what is the point in my suffering?

      I forgive them for hurting me and I have apologized at length in a letter for anything I have ever done that they feel I have done to hurt them. Only one of 3 answered. She texted me a list of my sins. Some were imagined. The rest were a difference of opinion and some misunderstandings going back 12 years to when I remarried. All been discussed and resolved at least 3 times in the past. I told them there would be no more apologies for the past. It was time to move on. So now no one talks to me at all.

      I pray for all of them and offer my hurt to God so that my suffering will not be wasted. I still love them.

      But I believe they did fail me. Things are not always the Mom’s fault! I have forgiven them for so much horrible behavior and insulting treatment. I have forgiven silent treatment going on for years. I have forgiven verbal abuse as well as physical abuse which was perpetrated on me and for which I did not respond in kind.

      I did not fail my children. And I told them in that letter that whenever they want me I am still here, no judgment, no questions. I just want to love them. I have done all I can. It is up to them now.

      So my life, goes on. You can’t make people love you. All you can do is be the best person you know how to be. I was told long ago, “If people talk badly about you, live your life in such a way that no one would believe them.”

      Don’t let abusive people have power over you!

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