June 20, 2019 at 3:11 am #83766
Hi Friends, I just needed to vent. I knew my gs would be graduating elementary school sometime this week and like always my husband and I sent a card and a gift last week. Well today was graduation day and we saw photos on fb. We are the outsiders looking in. Another milestone missed and there was my ES, DIL and my gc and of course the adored mil that is treated like the queen. ES son has always treated her and his fil when he was living better than us, his parents who raised him, had his back and gave him a good life.. I know many of you have your opinions of fb,and I do understand your views, but for me it’s my only connection to see my gc. Hurtful, of course, and my husband is the only grandfather. Really the cruelty of these EC are beyond words. The hurt they intentionally do just to give us pain is beyond human comprehension. It’s hurts all of it but I am strong and will survive this. I will grieve for awhile that my husband and I couldn’t be there and as I have done in the past 25 years , I will at some point dust myself off and start all over again. Thanks for listening. Sheri, thank you for giving all of us a voice. Love, Rainbow
June 20, 2019 at 7:36 am #83781SapphirePeonyParticipant
So sorry for the hurt you experienced seeing your precious ones on fb and unable to touch them or be there physically. We are all in this unfortunate situation that we never planned to be in or saw coming. Wish we could wave a magic wand and have our young, loving kids back. I know what you mean when you said you will dust yourself off and start again. Our lives do go on, and we must see the good, the beauty in each new day. One day we hope we have answers. I am also very grateful to Sheri for her tireless work in providing this healing avenue for each of us.
Take care of yourself and your husband, encouraging each other.
Love and hugs,
June 20, 2019 at 1:30 pm #83798Yellow RoseParticipant
Yes, Rainbow, it is hard to be aware of what we are missing. I think a lot of readers on here can relate to your post. It is many of our “truth” of our lives. That FB stuff, I just can’t go there myself as it hurts too much but I know lots of parents on here find it okay. If it makes you feel connected or better, then do what you need to do. We all have those things we might do that others might not do because our healing journeys are all different. For me, I have had to detach with love from the connection I have with all 3 of the EC. I have to guard my heart. I can’t stand the down times, the feeling depressed. My ED#1 is stopping by this weekend for an hour, she says, on her way from a family event back to her home. A family event I am ostracized from. I decided okay, we’ll see how this goes, she has not been to visit me in a lot of years. I will have a simple lunch for her and the GC. But I can no longer plan to go visit them, plan and pay, get my heart set up with expectations and go and find we are still strangers. I just can’t care more, which is different from still loving them. But I am fully aware that come Sunday evening, I may be feeling very very down. Its like the post about touching the wound, or what I call picking the scab. We get our wounds opened up a little and then we regroup and go back to moving forward. Stay strong.
June 20, 2019 at 2:45 pm #83807EasyStreetParticipant
Everybody is different. Everyone handles things differently. We too missed out on this big day. I chose to spare myself further pain and refrained from asking my sisters to send me pictures my ED put on FB Of our GC. My ED has she has me blocked. We are in enough pain already . Each time I look at these pictures I woukd be punisihing myself even more has it woukd reminds me of what we are missing. And that pain is too hard to bear.
June 20, 2019 at 10:52 pm #83784ImovinonParticipant
Hi there, Rainbow. I quit FB a few years ago, after I realized my ED was using it to intentionally hurt me. She would thank her new adopted mom for every little thing and go on and on about how happy she is to have been adopted (again) and how this mom is the best thing ever. It hurt too much to go there anymore so I just dropped off. But I still get reports from everyone else on the stuff she posts.
A few months ago she wished this “mom” a happy birthday, the day after totally ignoring my birthday. My parents had come to see me on my birthday and they watch her kids since I got cut off. Babysitting is hard on my parents because they are getting old but they wanted to help my nephew. Anyway, on my birthday I gave my parents birthday gifts for my GDs that I had saved and they gave them to my ED that night. The same night my mom read that FB post and was very hurt for me. ED wished this “mom” a happy birthday and gave a long tribute to her – while doing nothing, not even a text to the mom who raised her. My dad confronted her that night and said they can’t babysit anymore. All this drama and I didn’t even say anything or know any of this happened until after it all did and everyone was talking about it. Guess what? Now they my parents are cut off too, for standing up for me. It is just so sad. They use my GDs and FB to hurt us. It does hurt, a lot. (Even though I don’t even have FB anymore.)
I am sorry you are hurting today. These milestone events can hurt a lot but it does get easier after the events pass.
June 20, 2019 at 10:53 pm #83785MJmomParticipant
I am so sorry for your hurt! You have been here for so many, and you are much more compassionate than I. I wish there was a magic wand for you. FB keeps us in the loop. We have a need to at least have a glimpse. One day GC will see us. They will know how we loved them. I write a small note on each special occasion. One day the true story will be theirs to read. Karma. Love Mjmom
June 20, 2019 at 10:53 pm #83786Rose PetalsParticipant
I’m so sorry Rainbow. We can move on in a hundred different ways but grandchildren are almost unsurmountable the hardest to face the loss of. I truly believe that one day your grandchildren will be on your door step wanting to know their grandparents. I hope a ray of happiness reaches your heart today to take the pain away.
June 20, 2019 at 10:58 pm #83809AUSSIEMOMParticipant
Rainbow, does this estrangement and the emotional pain ever end? I wonder. Not likely until the last shovelful of dirt is placed upon us. I have expressed by views of FB, but it still doesn’t change the fact that for you, it’s the only way to see your grandchildren and it must bring all the pain of twenty-five years back upon you. What did you do to so create such an issue? To be so disregarded as grandparents, as parents? Were you both so awful that this had to happen, that this was the only way to have it happen? All of this to me would rain down upon me looking at pictures of grandchildren and your son.
I have seen pictures of my granddaughters whom I was not allowed contact with as they were growing up. Both are interesting, creative-looking young women whose lives I was not part of from the time they were small children. One day, abruptly, it all came to an end. It used to hurt, I don’t know if it still does. I’m removed from it and being removed from it is sometimes easier. As Kind Soul mentioned, rubbing the sore just doesn’t make it go away. Not having the sore, helps.
You’ll know as others here, we’re all very appreciative of having the support of others when there is so much pain associated with estrangement. You’ve been an inspiration to others and now today, an inspiration to others in knowing that you, too, are not past experiencing this pain.
Love to you,
June 20, 2019 at 11:16 pm #83825MountaintopParticipant
Sorry to hear you are hurting. I can understand fb is the only window you can observe your GC and be there silently to watch them as they grow, however it does come with a cost of emotional distress. How hard that must be.
I should hope that your ES and DIL sent a thank you on behalf of your GC for the card and gift, or if they didn’t they should have your graduating GC send a note or text (if they have their own phone) to acknowledge your thoughtfulness. Otherwise they are only teaching their child how to respond in NOT so kind to them when they are older.
Sending a hug to you Rainbow.
June 20, 2019 at 11:17 pm #83827
SapphirePeony, thank you so very much for your kind and compassionate reply to my post. We have no choice when estrangement happens. The pain is intense and if we allow it, it can consume us. We have be be strong enough to pick ourselves up each day and move forward. Life is so fragile and precious and at some point in our journey we realize that we cannot waste a moment in sorrow on EC who could care less about us. It may sound harsh, but it is the reality of this sad and tragic happening. Love and Hugs, Rainbow
June 21, 2019 at 12:22 am #83866SapphirePeonyParticipant
You made my day – thank you! Your kind reply makes me want to drive 6 hours, pick up my beautiful 5 year old GD, and drive to where you are just so you can see her, hug her and enjoy her sweet self. I haven’t seen my precious since December before Christmas, and know her favorite place to be is at my fun home where she is Princess to doting grandparents. We kept her several nights a week when she was a baby and whenever we could see her. Several episodes of estrangements – months at a time – are cruel to her and to us. Like you, I am waiting – possibly 13 years – until we pray she seeks us out when her parents cannot stop her. We will celebrate all the lost birthdays, Valentine’s Days, Easters, Christmases, Thanksgivings and all other everyday occasions that her parents have tried to steal from her and us. Thankfully all of this is not going unseen – heaven sees it all. I believe the parents/GP on this forum have experienced rejection to such a degree that few others know. Wrongs must be made right one day.
Meantime, every moment of our lives must be lived to the fullest – thank you for being there – Rainbow, Sheri and everyone. We are not alone. Love and hugs, Sapphire Peony
June 21, 2019 at 4:27 am #83873LostinadreamParticipant
Hugs Rainbow! Feels like it’s been a tough week for many of us. Love and Light friends…Lostinadream
June 21, 2019 at 7:27 am #83902rparentsKeymaster
I intended to reply earlier, but better late than never. I still imagine you wearing pretty lace trim on your sleeves, bits of satin ribbon, and with little birds that fly near, singing. Your grandson is very fortunate to have a wonderful grandmother like you. I know it hurts … and I know you dust off again. You’re such a pro at this, and inspire many!
June 21, 2019 at 6:52 pm #83903alyballybeeParticipant
There are no words, and the ones there are have already been expressed, I just want to add my love and hugs, you have been there for so many of us in the past and just know we are walking alongside you now.
June 22, 2019 at 2:11 am #83978
To All of You, thank you so very much for taking time out and responding to my post. It is only here that I can vent and let me voice be heard among friends who truly understand this heart-wrenching journey because sadly you too are walking this walk we never envisioned would happen in our lives.. Sometime it feels like a nightmare doesn’t it and we can’ wait to wake up. YellowRose, I understand what you feel about getting your expectations up and then being let down. We had reconciled for a short period of time 6 years and we walked those darn egg shells and we too we’re left out many times and it hurt so darn bad. I’m getting older and at 72 I just can’t go through it again. Getting let down and then wound opens wider and bleeds again. Easy Street, I am sorry you too missed out on the big day. Imovinon, fb is truly a double-edge sword. I really am not a fan of it but for me it’s my only connection to my gc. My ES not only cut himself off from his parents, he cut himself off from his entire family so it is my only way of knowing what’s happening in my gc world.Mjmom, from your mouth to God’s ears, my friend. I too hope that someday by the grace of God our gc will find their way to us. RosePetals, I agree the loss of our gc is truly the most hurtful part of all this and our EC know exactly where it hit us where it hurts the most. Aussiemom, our EC where the trial and jury and the sentence was handed down. No of us committed any crime and as you know there is no justification to what our EC are doing to us and yet, we have not choice but to accept this cruel and unjust sentence and move on.Somehow we find the strength to put one foot in front of the other each day. Lostinadream, yes seems like just when we have both feet on the ground and we think we are doing okay the rug is pulled out from under us. Sheri, your response as always has touched my heart. I only hope that someday my gc will come and find us and get to know us. In the short time we were in their lives perhaps they remember the love. I hope and pray. Alyhallybee, I feel your hugs and I am holding all of your hands to give me strength. SapphirePeony, I too wish we could meet and have a day with our gc. That would be one of the greatest gifts. Mountaintop, my gifts are never acknowledged except for one time. If you click on my avatar see my posting on GD contacted me. Love and Hugs Rainbow
June 22, 2019 at 5:26 am #83985
Aussiemom, I forgot to mention in my reply posting. I have been in this horror for 25 years and the pain and anger is still there just below the surface and even after all this time it rears its ugly head. I like you feel we will never be free of it not until “… the last shovelful of dirt is placed upon us.” Love, Rainbow
June 22, 2019 at 12:57 pm #84003AUSSIEMOMParticipant
Rainbow, I don’t know what to say other than I don’t like feeling used and that’s how I’ve felt about this estrangement. If you don’t like me, fine, let’s sort through it, get past it, go on with our lives, things didn’t work out, I’m sorry for that, but to badmouth someone, be so critical of them behind their back, when that person puts a whole lot of effort into that someone’s life or lives, well, it just left me feeling used. And abused. I wish to heck it didn’t. I wish to heck I could say, okay, let’s go on, it happened, somehow manage a relationship but I can’t get past the feeling used by these two females in my life that I raised, particularly my former stepdaughter who was so highly critical of me from the day she walked into my home, two-faced, loving me, needing me, yet, criticizing me, not accepting what she heard as my truth, stuck in what she believed was her own negative truth. It doesn’t feel good, didn’t feel good. It’s not so much anger as just feeling used, Rainbow, for me. I gave too much of myself. I think most mothers here have felt this way, too. Well, it’s a lovely sunny day and as I look out of my studio windows I’m grateful to be able to see it and appreciate it. Life goes on.
June 22, 2019 at 1:57 pm #84026
Aussiemom, my husband and I feel the same way. We feel like we were taken advantage of, used and they made jerks out of us. My ES bad mouthed us to anyone who had his ears and when he started dating his now wife he even then opened his vile mouth and spit out venom about us. My husband and I were just saying that our lives evolved around ES in his growing years and everything we did was for him. Yes, we too are guilty of giving too much of ourselves and needless to say our ES appreciated nothing. We are having a sunny day in my part of the world and I am going to enjoy it as well. I wish you a good day, my dear friend. Hugs across the internet. Love, Rainbow
June 23, 2019 at 4:48 pm #84143TheblueskyParticipant
Dear Rainbow, I hope you are feeling a little better today. I agree with Yellowrose that we can still love our EC, but don’t have the energy to care anymore. Not so easy to do with grandchildren though. Your sadness speaks volumes of
the love you have in you to give. After five years, I too have my difficult days and moments, and start to question, again, how this could have possibly happened given the love my son was given, and I am only left with being able to shake my head and walk away from the past.
I hope you you enjoyed the sunshine and breathed it into your heart.
Peace and Love to you,
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