February 3, 2018 at 6:34 am #43556
I believe that this out of the blue, gut wrenching crying was my spirit, my soul, my heart, speaking more to my son then to me. I know myself. The crying spoke that there need not be anymore seeking, no more debate, no explanation. From him or me. The crying was a mother’s love. That will always be. And that is a beautiful thing.
These last few days, as I have delved a little deeper, As I reached out here, I had detached for a while, which was okay too, has brought a sense of my mortality, the reason for my being here. Aussiemom, you pointed out that my new job would give the opportunity for me to give the stored up love. You are so right. Do not mistake that I am looking for others to replace the loss of my son. I have realized that despite that loss, my existence expands much further.
February 3, 2018 at 11:50 am #43585TrainingParticipant
I read your post with a tear in my eye. So so true for me, the tears can be gut wrenching but they also can be cleansing, we can put our face to the sun and march on.
I believe there is a message from every mess we go thru. Sometimes have to dig real deep to find it. I began volunteering, I have two dogs that are now certified as therapy dogs. I visit hospitals, schools, retirement residences and the Hospice. It is inspirational to see the grace, kindness Respect and love that the people extend to me and the pups for coming to spend some time with them. If these folks can rise above their life hurts so can I.
February 3, 2018 at 5:01 pm #43580AnnParticipant
I’ve not cried over my ED, she made her choice and I cannot change it. I don’t even blame her, I blame her dad for what happened. I did all my crying when I realised that I had to get away from her father who was constantly egging her on.
But the gut wrenching crying you describe, I know how very cathartic that can be. Months after my first child died (age 5) it happened to me completely out of the blue and it came on so strong it overwhelmed me. Up to that point I’d been too numb to let go. It was the only time I ever cried like that.
I wish you well and send you a hug if it’s any help 🙂
February 3, 2018 at 5:26 pm #43593Yellow RoseParticipant
Healing comes from being true to ourselves and acknowledging our feelings and why we feel whatever we feel with no self judgement. Your post today shows us that healing comes in many forms. Thank you. I don’t have the words to say how you help me. I personally think its okay to love others even if it is looking to replace the estranged child’s love. I decided that my EC are unfortunately not capable of loving me or wanting a loving relationship so why shouldn’t I try to find others in my life to give love to and who will give love back? Although with some people, we can give a lot of love but they can’t or won’t return this love, I am talking generalities.
When I mentioned the gray skies in the other post, you mentioned could i move. I do live in a sunny, hot climate. We just had about 3 weeks of gray skies with no rain. So it was gray but no benefit and we are needing rain. I also talked to my husband about January and he said he loves January because that means the holidays are over which is happiness to him. I thought this was an interesting viewpoint and one to consider for me. Instead of being let down, maybe I should try being joyous that its over.
February 4, 2018 at 7:13 am #43642
Training, I have a patient I work with on a biweekly basis that brings his service dog with him. She snuggles next to the wall, crosses her front paws, looks up for a short while, then lays her head down for a well deserved 30 minute nap. She is a cross of lab and retriever. Now, I am a kitty kind of person, but this little doggy has stolen my heart. Her owner allows me to pet her and let her jump up to me. She is the highlight of our office.
Bless your heart for the work that you do for others, and I know from my experience, that these dogs know and love what they came here for.
February 4, 2018 at 1:06 pm #43682TrainingParticipant
Thank you, my dogs are Westies, they get Into bed with those that want them, the patients pet them and they snuggle right beside them and sleep. They do seem to know the condition of the patients. Inspirational fo sure. You are also making a huge difference in there lives
February 4, 2018 at 1:24 pm #43679
BlueSky, if I stop to really think about what has happened with my daughter and with her behaviour towards me, over so many years of which she would say, as I’ve said here before, “well, she deserved it, what else did she expect” then I would feel the grief all over again. I could have handled her years in alternative choices better perhaps, I could have not removed her from her private school in which she was not doing the work. Instead, I had limited funds, I was placed in a situation where the man to whom I was married appeared to his children and my daughter as the one who was good, I was bad. Instead, they have or had no idea what his behaviour was like towards me, towards his first wife. I had to sell our home, our lives changed considerably but it had to be done and I was the fall guy in all of that mess. I know that affected my daughter deeply. But to blame me was wrong on her part, she only saw what she wanted to see. So my grief lies close beneath the surface but what also lies closer is the things that matter now in my life. My dogs, whom I’ve always had, provide love and caring and in reverse from me, my small B&B provides me with the opportunity to nurture people, just as in your job you will do this as well, my volunteer work allows me to be in contact with people who are aging and all are courageous in this, my life is a privilege despite what happened years ago. My goal has been to remain centered as much as I could, I knew what had happened to me, I knew how I had behaved and I could and can look myself in the mirror and say, I tried. I could have done things differently perhaps but I am and was a good person. Misunderstood, I accept that. But don’t go to the extreme of cutting me out of your life, my daughter. And that I lay on her doorstep, her choice, she has the ability to blot out the unpleasant things in her life and I happened to be one of them.
It’s how you build your life after estrangement that counts and matters to you. BlueSky, your tears were the release and gift to you that you needed and it’s broken the pattern of your life now to move in another direction which I feel will given you great personal satisfaction and rebuild the love that is in you for others. You will have much to give to others. The gift to your son, to my daughter, of our love, is wasted on them. They don’t need it. I sometimes wonder if they are empty inside of some ability to feel for others. It’s a very healthy thing to have happened to you and to come back on here, is exactly what needed to happen.
February 6, 2018 at 4:17 am #43730
Your words, “My life is a privilege despite what happened years ago”, through my tears is exactly how I for the most part have attempted to approach the ups and downs throughout my life. My mother twenty years ago was complaining, expressing that she was somehow deprived as she had never travelled abroad. For the hundredth time. Now, there certainly is nothing wrong with dreaming, hoping, wanting to explore. But one day it was enough and I told her that compared to the majority of the planet, we live like royalty. So, despite my sons rejection, I continue to live like royalty. I am not starving, I have a home, I have two tired feet to walk me home from a job that pays the bills and allows me to enrich others lives.
We were designed to cry, to have that release as you said. To open new channels of thinking and feeling. Our Love, I believe, is not, never has been wasted. Taken for granted, thrown into a gutter of their self indulgence, absolutely. But Love my friend is never wasted. We redirect, and yes rebuild and throw it out there to those that are needing and more appreciative. And that means to ourselves as well.
Peace and Love
February 7, 2018 at 2:46 am #43748
BlueSky, I miss my daughter to this day, the sweet child who was thoughtful enough to ask me if I’d like a cup of tea when she saw me working at night in the laundryroom, which was my quilt ‘studio’ (now, for the first time, after many, many years, I have a small space to call a real studio). I remember the child who was so whimsical and kind and yet, times changed, others influenced her, in particular a step-sister who later in life admitted to me that she wanted to be where my daughter was in my affections and was jealous of her. It’s so trite to say you can’t tell how life is going to turn out. Certainly, it wasn’t in my life’s plan to have my husband die at such a young age, to be left financially so compromised and dealing with creditors from the day he died. He was a good man but mentally unwell, an illness which has run now through three generations of that family. All I’ve done is tried to muddle through the muck that’s fallen into my life and not become bitter though I’ve found here that the despair towards the necessary ending (on my part) of a second marriage impacted on me more than I’d have ever thought. And then this issue of estrangement. Once the grief recedes, once the shock recedes, once the hurt lessens, there is still a life to be lived. I hope in remaining here, as you have done, as Rainbow as done, it can be that there is life after estrangement. It’s different, it’s not what we would ever choose, it can leave residual anger and grief, as we both know, but being a mother is only one part of our lives. The gift of years left to us is for us to determine, not shaped by estrangement, not shaped by those who would disrespect us so.
And tears are cleansing, to the mind and heart and soul. It releases the pressure on feelings we still have but have tucked away somewhere in the depths of our minds, but they are there.
There are many here who have been and are courageous, kind and caring parents. We really only have influence over our children when they are young, as they grow and develop into adulthood, we can only lay the foundation of their lives. After that, their choices, like ours, determine their future lives. It is time to let go. They are not a reflection on us, but upon themselves, just as we are to ourselves. But there are some thing that for me, I don’t go beyond. Name calling, verbal abuse, it didn’t work with me in my second marriage, it doesn’t work for me now. That is where I draw the line. If you have such disrespect for me and towards me, I should no longer be in your life. Nor do I need people in my life who disrespect me, to my face or behind my back. That is my bottom line.
February 7, 2018 at 4:19 am #43759RainbowParticipant
Aussiemom, I couldn’t have said it better and as always your posts are wisdom filled. TheBluesky,I have always felt that crying is the cleansing of one’s soul. In all these years of estrangement, I have never really fully released my tears. A tear may have rolled down my cheeks at times, but I don’t really believe I let what’s inside me out. I wish I could. Perhaps, if I started to release those long overdue tears,I think I would have a hard time stopping. I will always love the person my ES used to be, but that person is gone and no longer exists. I think the hardest part of this estrangement for me at this point in my life, is my realization of my mortality and knowing full well in my heart how my story will end. Like anything I do in life, I give my all and go beyond 100%. My husband and I were good parents and did our best. We deserved at the very least our ES respect. Like Aussiemom, I had to draw the line in the sand. I can and will no longer tolerate my ES abuse. I have learned to enjoy what’s left in my life and have moved forward.This was not how I expected it to turn out,but it is what it is and I took the lemons handed to me and made lemonade. Love and Hugs, Rainbow
February 7, 2018 at 1:45 pm #43773SimplifyPleaseParticipant
The experiences shared in these posts are heartbreaking. AussieMom, your ability to rise above so much hardship is truly inspirational. Have you ever cried buckets – or, like me and Rainbow, is all the gut-wrenching grief largely unexpressed? All that love, all those memories …
I wish there was a pill we could swallow to make us cry. Weeping to the point of being ill sounds shocking and scary, but maybe it’s a good thing once in a while. I’ve thought about downing a bottle of wine while watching the saddest movie I can find, in the hope that I can get rid of some of my pent-up sadness. But something stops me …
February 7, 2018 at 1:46 pm #43775MorganaParticipant
A very emotive post, and some incredible insights.
I have cried from the depths of my soul, less so now, but tears are never very far away, I’m still too easily triggered and overly sensitive. My husband hates it when I cry and so I suppress it most of the time, not sure if that’s good for my general health,but still.
Yes, Aussiemom, I agree with you, I had to draw the line at disrespect too. I had been in an unhappy marriage due to total lack of respect and selfish behaviour. Seems the apple did not fall far from the tree and I have had to detach from my son also.
I tried, they didn’t. 💐
February 7, 2018 at 11:32 pm #43799
YellowRose, Morgana, Rainbow, No, I have learned not to cry, isn’t that something. The day the police came to my door to tell me that my husband was dead, the two children were at home, four and six, the six year old recovering from chickenpox, they hid behind a door, frightened. My husband suffered from bipolar disorder and had attempted suicide once before. The intervening years in which I lived in fear of his attempt is what brought my immune system to chronic ongoing health issues to this day. I cried the day he died, I didn’t cry for ten years after that and then one day, it happened, as it happened with BlueSky, completely unrelated yet similar incident and I cried for an hour behind a greenhouse where I was working at the time. But no, I have no cried openly about my daughter’s behaviour towards me. Part of my conditioning I guess, but I have grieved deeply and I live now in the happier memories of her as a young child growing up. It’s all I have left of her now. As with Rainbow’s post, my daughter changed in her teen-aged years and it was a difficult time for us both.
I don’t think kids understand what their parents may deal with in their marriages. I grew to love my stepchildren when I remarried, I loved being a parent to four kids, it was a challenging time of my life, it was hard work particularly with my stepchildren. When their father started acting ‘oddly’, I knew then what had happened to his first wife and I determined it wasn’t going to happen to me. I’d been down once with bad nerves before my late husband died, I took measures to protect myself. I paid a huge price for it. Some people come out of a marriage smelling like a rose when in fact, they are the manure that killed it. I didn’t have those skills of deception that this man did. I think a lot of moms here have paid a heavy price for making a choice to protect themselves in leaving a marriage and their kids are making them pay to this day for what they selfishly perceive as their mother’s fault for a divorce in their lives. Where did I see this quote: ” ignorance is a heavy boulder to roll away from a closed mind” was it here? I think it was a comment made earlier on this website.
February 8, 2018 at 4:32 am #43823
I am so in awe of the mothers here, (no dads currently that I know). The strength and fortitude and resilience that is voiced here is incredible, sad to hear, comforting, enlightening. My heart cries for those that are in the early throngs, the crying from dawn to dusk days. It seems long ago, yet still vivid. Just like the births or adoptions of our children. My heart sits quietly with those that have had to make their peace as best we can. And face unexpected emotions.
Aussiemom, yes, although our estranged children are grown adults, their view, for whatever reason is narrow in recognizing their mothers as individuals that have endured, protected, and gathered their lives the best they could. I suppose the best, the most we can do is tuck the good we experienced with our children, that awesome love we gave, and felt back from them during moments, years, where our lives were touched with a certain magic, into a secure garden that we can visit if we need, to smile or cry. No doubt, after a number of significant, mind blowing events enter one’s life, and then the numbness of estrangement, we are at a loss as to why we, anyone, should deserve any of it. I have no answers my friend. I can only through my off and on tears, and the life’s strides myself and so many here have made, offer my heartfelt friendship and support as we fly. Love and Joy to you my friend.
Rainbow, I can feel and, as we have communicated through these years, see how the decades have left you tearless. I understand, and feel the mortality of our lives of which you express as the birthdays pass by.
“It is what it is”. has gotten me through, and opens my eyes wider after this rogue crying jag. A loving, wise reminder from you Rainbow, that we have the NOW and the future. Big hugs and Love to you.
Morgana, my husband is torn when I have cried, from comforting me, to saying he’s ready to drive 1,400 miles to set this straight. This coming from a guy that is so gentle and kind. I too have had tears brimming at random thoughts of my son, but no big crying until this last one after a long while.
I think if whether we need to cry, dance or sing, our health and emotional well being is first and foremost. Hugs to you.
I’ve tried the wine route simplify, but it only made me gain pounds! But yes,
Crying till you almost throw up is no fun. But just maybe that is the pill or magic wand here and there when needed.
February 8, 2018 at 10:57 am #43827SimplifyPleaseParticipant
I once broke down in a cinema/movie theatre after watching a film about a young Indian boy cruelly treated and eventually abandoned by his father. Only just remembered the incident … It was in the early 2000s and the name of the movie escapes me. But it resonated at the time, reminding me of my youngest son’s treatment at his father’s hands. I made a complete spectacle of myself, crying uncontrollably in public much to the embarrassment of both my sons, who watched the movie with me. I’m scared something like that will happen again … There are prickly, teary feelings just below the surface pretty much all the time right now …
Oh well … Thanks, everyone, for your insights. Special thanks to TheBlueSky for starting the topic. Thank goodness for this forum. Can’t imagine how I’d survive without it, feeling as I am these days …
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.