INTRODUCE YOURSELF #4 — READ ONLY

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    • #84029
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      This is the fourth INTRODUCTION thread, and is NOW CLOSED. Feel free to read here, but to introduce yourself, please go to Introduce Yourself #5.

      The intro topics just get so long and unwieldy that they are very difficult to use. As of today, May 10, 2020 (Mother’s Day), we’re switching to Introduce Yourself #5.

      Feel free to read the intros here though.

      Hugs to all.

      Sheri McGregor

      • This topic was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by rparentsrparents.
    • #84042
      ddubskyddubsky
      Participant

      it’s been 2 years since my middle child stopped speaking to us. she just had a baby. we haven’t seen or been in our grandchild’s life since then. i have apologized 59 million times . i’ve wrote , texted and called . all attempts she says is pathetic from both my husband and I. last year my other child mentioned to her that her dad may have metastic cancer . she said his pathetic attempts at apologizing didn’t bring us back together and a cancer diagnosis won’t either . i miss and i love her but i’m so angry. i need help with the anger i feel.

      • #85271
        AvatarWillow2
        Participant

        I am so sorry to hear this and just wanted to let you know that. The cruelty is just so displaced.

      • #102436
        AvatarPlinkyplonk
        Participant

        Hi ddubsky, I’ve just joined but wanted to say I understand so much of what you’re going through. My adult child is much the same as yours. We will always love them that is true but there comes a time when they need to take a look at their own behaviour. I used to think I was alone in this situation so I’m glad to have found this place.

      • #85280
        Avatarempty1
        Participant

        Hi ddubsky
        I love your photograph….so peaceful.

        First I am so sorry to hear about your husband and your story. Mine is not disimilar……my son and wife has just had another baby, my daughter found out from facebook.

        I have just put my thread on……just wanted to know that I feel for you and all the other parents on here…..unfortuantely I do not have any answers, I just do not understand it all….

      • #86495
        AvatarLady_Macbeth_D
        Participant

        ddubsky,

        I’m so sorry to hear your troubles. I have the same problem with my daughter. She’s 30 and refuses to accept any apologies I’ve made. I need to let go but it’s so difficult. She’s my only child. I mourn the loss of a relationship with her. I know that you do as well. We are here for you.

      • #89765
        AvatarGingersnaps
        Participant

        I am glad to have found this site. My only child disowned me in February – 6 months ago. Will not respond to email, texts, notes left on her car, phone message, Facebook, Instagram. When my mother had a debilitating stroke, I was embarrassed that I had to contact her place of employment. I guess I didn’t have to looking back at it now. My husband went to some meeting with her and her therapist but I was excluded. She gave her Dad her phone number but told him NOT to give it to me. I have no idea where all this anger is coming from since no one is really talking. I can’t reconcile this – I don’t know how. Radio silence – no communication whatever. Why do I keep trying? I wouldn’t with anyone else. The pain is sometimes too much to take.

      • #95120
        AvatarHummerlover
        Participant

        Dear Lady, I am in the same boat as you!! Only child, 30 years old. I did nothing wrong! As soon as she got married, I can go to hell!! Been two years of dead silence. How sad…..

      • #96272
        AvatarMissingmom
        Participant

        I was cut off almost 2 years ago by my daughter. She hasnt spoken to me, my husband or her little brother. Blocked fro phone, email and all other social media. Tried leaving a note on her car still nothing. So much pain and so hard to talk to anyone about it

      • #89178
        AvatarCapricorn10
        Participant

        Thanks Sheri McGregor for providing me with a place to
        Feel comfortable enough to talk about my feelings. I have
        been estranged from my only offspring for approximately
        One month. I had been trying to get counseling but this is the wo worst time of year because of vacation. Most said they would
        Take new patients after Labor Day.
        Therefore, I have been meditating, journaling, praying and increased my dosage of Zoloft (physician visit yesterday).
        However I’m still Angry.
        In addition, I am having ambulatory surgery on 20th and
        Want to be in better mindset when I go under anesthesia.
        I look forward to hearing and learning from the
        Members. Happy Friday

      • #89184
        rparentsrparents
        Keymaster

        To Capricorn10,

        You’re welcome. I’m sorry you need to be here, but I’m glad you found your way.

        What is “ambulatory” surgery? I hope this is not intrusive, but I’m just not sure. Don’t feel obligated to answer.

        For right now, if it’s possible to concentrate on the upcoming surgery and therefore your health, that’s a good thing. Years ago, I did some work with Belleruth Naparstek and she has some guided imagery tapes for surgery related things. You might look her up, or I’m sure there are also some things on youtube you could find for this purpose.

        Hugs to you. The “issue” is likely to exist once you get through the surgery and beyond your steady recovery, so it’s good to set it aside. You deserve your own kind care and especially right now.

        Sheri McGregor

      • #90120
        SpiderlilySpiderlily
        Participant

        Is this the right place for a for introducing myself?

      • #94177
        AvatarMaMaRose
        Participant

        Hello, I’m 62, I have two children. One son who is 25. I have a great relationship with him & his wife & my grandson.
        My daughter is 35. We are estranged. Have been for 20 years on & off.
        Some days I feel surreal like she doesn’t exist, other days I am depressed & crying about how did we get to this horrible spot in our lives.
        My daughter is toxic & any conversation with her always leaves me bewildered and feeling like a horrible mother. I wish I can go back in time & ‘fix’ things.
        She is bipolar. So was my mom.

      • #96254
        Avatarpuppetnomore
        Participant

        Hello to all. My story is fairly similar to all I’ve read on here. Raised four children mostly alone except for the help of a boyfriend once in awhile. We were dirt poor. But I worked, sometimes two jobs and whatever else I could find.
        This is so long I’m not even sure where to begin. I had a boyfriend, who had been raised fairly strictly, by his family. His rules were no cussing, you didn’t talk back to the person( parent) who fed you, and you did your chores. He held his own three children to the same standards, who also lived with us. I moved in with him because my purse that contained my rent money had been stolen. I had little choice. Before I had moved in with him, I was a fairly soft disciplining parent.. I was trying to go to school full time, work and internship that I could not be paid for, and work off food stamps. We lived in government housing. I was gone a lot, and the oldest usually took care of the younger ones. ( 13, 11,9, and 7). Mind you this was back in the early 90’s. I did the best I could. So, once we moved, the kids were somewhat in a culture shock I suppose, of having discipline. They were never spanked by him or I; but they were grounded, which of course they hated.
        The youngest daughter,( whom we’ll call Grace here) swore she would do whatever it took to split he and I up. We lived in an old house that he was trying to remodel. The kids got along for the most part, but I’m sure there were jealousies that existed although I wasn’t really aware of any at the time. The oldest daughter had chosen not to move with us to the new town/school and opted to stay with her best friend. She wanted to keep her school and I thought I was being nice in allowing it. So..
        Throughout the year there was turmoil between he and I at various times for various reasons. He cheated on me, we had a fight. Money was always an issue. I had a severe health problem I didn’t even know about then. I got injured at work and was off for a long time. Just one catastrophe after another, but I had no help. I did the best I could. Eventually the oldest son went to live with his Father, but that didn’t go so well, so he returned home, and eventually went to live with his best friend as well. Grace was about 13 by now. She would try and dress provocatively. She got a summer job through a certain program, as a dispatcher for a local small town police station. I drove her to work and back everyday, she and I would collide from time to time, but she and the boyfriend went head to head. Mostly it was because he was on to her lies and tricks, and tried to tell me but I refused to listen. She hated him, but could also turn around and ask for money, talk nice and seem ok.. Grace then decided it was time to pull out all the stops and accuse him of saying Or doing something sexual to her. The story would change. I didn’t believe her. Why? Because the oldest daughter HAD been molested, and it was true, and the signs were there. She knew that had resulted in the end of my second marriage. I believe she thought it would get the same results for her, and that’s why she said it. None of it had a ring of truth to it. He was a womanizer, but he was not a child molester. During these years, she constantly lied to me, had boyfriends, caused issues between the boyfriend and me. All of the normal teenage things plus twenty more. She at one point, even accused her best friend’s brother of the same thing. We went to the police, he spent the night in juvenile detention. He did a lie detector test that proved inconclusive, so the charges were dropped and later it was found out that she had been buying him girlie magazines. It was a disaster. She wanted home schooling, so I paid for that. When it became too much, and we didn’t split up, she went to live with her older sister who was on her own by this time.
        Eventually, she met a man twice her age and had a baby with him, despite what we thought. When the baby was born, I made two trips daily between houses over an hour apart, to care for them. When it fell apart, she and the baby moved back with us and stayed with us for some time. Years pass. I finally left him, and Grace and I had apartments almost side by side. My boyfriend would still visit on occasion, and she never objected to any of his help for either of us or him pulling her daughter up and down the sidewalk in the wagon. By then I was going to school again, and would eventually move. She finally got a house as well, and moved right down the street from my former boyfriend. She borrowed money from him on a few occasions, still spent time with his children, and went to social functions where she knew he would be.

        Fast forward. Over the years, she has continued her lies, about me, my then boyfriend, her growing up years, and sexual advances or suggestions or whatever it is or was. Most I never knew about u til later when the person would come and ask me. I have apologized over and over and over for anything and everything I did or was imagined to have done. She has lied so much that she actually believes it. She uses sharp jabs of things from years and years ago, usually something that never even happened, to try and hurt me. I have lived with the regret that I couldn’t do better, beaten myself up mentally to the point I have considered they would be better off without me. Have lived with guilt and shame as a constant companion, and she has used this to manipulate me. I have done whatever I could do to make up for anything that did or didn’t happen. I’ve spent the better part of the last 15 years making up for things. She continues to lie and make me put to be the most evil person ever. But am always good enough to work myself to death for her when she needs something done. I have proven myself to be trustworthy and decent and kind but I will never amount to anything in her book.

        These kids were never physically harmed. Yes we were poor. Yes we had little. But I was there. I helped them with the homework, made sure they had breakfasts before school, their clothes were clean and I did the best I could when they needed something. It wasn’t the childhood I wished for them, but I never imagined myself raising four kids alone either. I did the best I could and knew how .
        Currently, we are not speaking. Again. I am not allowed to see my grandchildren. I have been screamed at, hung up on, accused or things that never happened.. and I kept apologizing just to keep the peace, to see my grandkids, that I had a majority of their early years as she was busy working and being young. She just delivered my fourth grandchild, but I’ve not met him yet.

        I know my past isn’t perfect. I’ve asked for forgiveness for anything I did or didn’t do. Any attempt at standing up for myself results in a complete you are trash episode. This has gone on for years.
        There’s a lot about the eay years that would take too long to tell. I know it looks as if I am a horrible parent, but I swear to you, I did everything I could.

        Is there any hope? I could apologize again, but she says all of my apologies are “ half assed” and are worthless. She even has some of her siblings believing her, and yet they have little to do with her because she is irrational and superior in every way. I believe she is a narcissist. My oldest son says it is all my fault.
        I can’t go on like this much longer. Do I apologize again, even when I’ve done nothing wrong? It will o my start all over again, and I can’t take much more.
        I’m sorry this is so long and has loads of gaps, but it would simply be too much. Thanks for listening.

    • #84063
      Avatarthis2shallpass
      Participant

      Our son hadn’t spoken to us for over 2 years. I emailed him countless times until last December when he finally replied to me. He was very angry and he expressed what he was angry about. I agreed with everything he said. I listened to his feelings and I accepted the fact that even though I still would have done the same thing over again, I needed to realize that his perception of things was his own reality. I had to validate his feelings even if I experienced the situation in a completely different way. This has been the only way that I could deal with my own anger regarding his decision to hang on to a grudge with dear life instead of choosing to forgive. I am in a state of perpetual anger and heartache while trying to remain hopeful and accepting of everything. Everything happens for a reason. Praying to God is what has helped me. I have experienced 4 true miracles in my life. Therefore I believe that all things will happen as they are supposed to. Don’t give up.

      • #89185
        AvatarCapricorn10
        Participant

        Hello, Ambulatory Care is a service which offers same day care to patients at the hospital. This means that patients are able to go home the same day, without being admitted into a hospital bed overnight wherever possible. I’m have Breast surgery- lumpectomy and will have to wait for prognosis after surgery and lab
        Results. You are correct that I need to be in best spirits
        Possible.

    • #84076
      Avatarcattydoll
      Participant

      I want to preface this by saying I was an irresponsible 19 years old when I had my son who is now 33 and has not spoken to me for 4 years. Also, by the time i was 20 I was divorced from his father and had two children. So pretty much I was still a kid trying to figure out how to survive in the world by myself with 2 kids. My parents helped me a lot but also made it clear that I had to get my stuff together and figure out how to support these kids. I Recently figured out I could use a phone number changing app and get through to his voicemail. I left a message that told him I loved him and hoped he was doing well and also hoped that we could mend whatever fence was broke in the future. Two days later an attorney (later I figured out it was his friend) called me with a request from my son that I stop all communication. I basically said,”thats not gonna happen” but after further consideration called the attorney back and asked for a letter in writing on the firm letterhead requesting the no contact and decided that for now i would leave it be until I figure more out. I also have a Daughter (his sister) who is 34 she has almost no contact with him, he lives a few states away and will respond to an occasional text from her. I was an awesome parent. I worked a lot of hours and had a good job that provided well for the family and the father was not involved on his own volition . I was happily able to provide a lot of financial support to both my son and daughter when they were growing up and as adults purchasing cars, houses , furnishing, giving money,giving expensive gifts all without the expectations of being paid back. The last phone called I received from my son was asking for money, in addition it was the first time that I had asked him to repay me the loan because I had decided it was time to stop the money train. This was just something i had decided and nothing that I spoke to my children about. He said he would be happy to pay me back and expected a large sum of money soon so I was not worried about his ability to pay me back. I do not believe this separation is all about money but I think that some how he started to think my only value in his life was financial and when he was self supporting he no longer needed me. He got married to a women with a good job and did not invite any of the family to his wedding that I am aware of. When times where not so good for him he sold gifts that where family heirlooms that where given to him by me from the estate of his deceased grandfather that where more sentimental to me. He was severe ADHD growing up he failed every single grade but i kept pushing him through because he was too smart to repeat a grade. In high school he could not get out of 9th grade after 2 years because he was unable to earn the credits. Because he was ADHD he was able to get special education, which he resisted strenuously because he didn’t want to be with (those kids) at the time I had to override his wishes and force it. He did well and earned enough credits to get into 10th grade at the age of 16 he dropped out of school and got a job at the age of 18 I gave him no other option but to join the military. He asked me to write him a letter everyday that he was in boot camp which i did. He wrote me almost daily and began to tell me that he was faking having a disability to get out. I called the boot camp till i got his direct drill Sgt on the phone and sent copies of the letters to them. I realize now that was probably not a good idea. My only excuse is we come from a long line of veterans (people who died at war to save our country) my father was a Korean war vet and I severed in a sensitive government position and his father was an active duty solider who had severed his country in multiple wars and conflicts so the option to fake out a disability on the army was not happening. When I went to his graduation from boot camp his drill instructor told me it was the biggest turn around he had ever seen in a solider. My son went to Iraq was injured he a purple heart and returned changed he was angry as hell and mad, mad , mad at everyone but he did thank me many times for not letting him quit. He has since graduated from college with honors courtesy of US Army GI Bill and earned two degrees. I just dont know what to do to make this better. I did everything that I thought was the best. I know people will read this and think well you shouldn’t have done this or done that or blah blah blah but we all have to face that we cant change the past. Most of us did the best that we knew how.

    • #84110
      Avatarthis2shallpass
      Participant

      I wanted to add more detail to my story after reading ddubssk and cattydoll entries. My son will be 30 years old very soon and my daughter is soon to be 27. I met the man who would become my husband after a 2 year stint in hell, dealing with an abusive, stalking ex-boyfriend.
      At 21 years old, I left home to get away from “the stalker” and went to live with this man that I had met 2 weeks prior. He felt that I was in danger( which I was) and so his mother welcomed me in at first.
      She certainly must have thought that her only son and younger of 2, got involved with the ultimate damsel in distress.
      Anyway, a lot of twists and turns later, we got married and had our son 6 years after we met. Our daughter was born 3 years later. We decided we would do everything our parents didn’t do for us. My husband worked and I was a stay at home mom. I was with my kids through everything and my husband would always manage to have time for our 2 children. They meant the world to us and they still do. My son graduated college and got a job that took him overseas for a while. He met a girl there and she came to visit with a temporary visa. She was supposed to leave after a few months if she didn’t get a job or get married. Well, they got married. My husband and I supported all of his decisions. She was a lovely girl also. After they got married, there was a noticeable change in her attitude. My son became very quiet and subdued and she seemed very dominant. He could never be alone with us, etc. Anyway, 5 months after their marriage, they got in a huge fight and my son called me, literally crying. I texted him that he didn’t deserve to be treated like that and he should find out why she was so insecure or he would continue to endure her abuse. Well, the next morning was when the “stuff” hit the fan. They left and that was almost 3 years ago. I apologized in every way imaginable. My husband has no desire to speak to such a disrespectful person. I didn’t care who was right or wrong. I just wanted our broken family to be mended. My daughter has been affected terribly. They don’t communicate that much and he did not attend her wedding.(my husband told her that she had to choose her brother or father to attend). I never gave up emailing, contacted an old friend of his and finally he emailed me around Christmas. The few emails he has sent have been bitter, angry and hard to read sometimes. I’m still trying to supply his request to build back trust. He felt that I was deceptive, not saying how I felt about his wife from the start. I felt that I had to mind my own business and then I got involved and here’s where we are at. We gave our kids everything; financial, emotional and unconditional support. You see guys, we’re in this club that we never signed up for and we all have different paths to how we got to the same place. It’s incredible, really. It proves to me that kids will grow up to do what they are going to do, no matter what kind of family they come from. Hopefully we will learn from eachother and all get to the other side of this mountain.

    • #84184
      Avatarpeachy19
      Participant

      Dear this2shall pass,
      The names change but the painful story is the same! My son changed totally when he got married,I cant say or do anything to please her and my son agrees . I miss I love mom now.They broke up for a minute i agreed with him which was wrong I now know he of course shared that with her and she has hated me ever since . he and i were close before or so i thought now i here nothing at all from him,nor my granddaughter,idont know will this feeling ever pass

      • #91353
        AvatarEver
        Participant

        I am ‘Ever’…My story is similar to peachy 19’s story. After my son married, everything changed. His wife took a disliking to me and, apparently, he said nothing to come to my defense.. She is from another country, so there are cultural differences. I did hear, through ‘the grapevine’, that she had threatened to take their baby to her home country. I was told that the threat came after he told her that he wanted me to meet my grandson.! Pretty low.That baby is twenty years old now and I saw him once when he was seventeen. It was awkward because I was a stranger to him. His mother hovered close by, like I was going to kidnap him. She is one strange lady! After that gathering, I asked my son to at least email and we did for a while. He eventually stopped and I wrote asking why. He just said, I love you, but we cannot continue our emails. I tried again, anyway, and he never responded. That has been a couple of years ago and not a word. I have heard that my grandson doesn’t work (he was a concert pianist) and plays video games all day. Meanwhile, they both have work and hobbies that keeps them gone most of the time. They all live in another state. I cannot travel due to ill health. The grief edges around me, but I guess I am used to it…sometimes the edges are pretty sharp. We were so close for the first 24 years of his life! I guess it was not mutual, so sad. I have read a lot about Asperger’s (high functioning autism) and wonder if that is him….so smart, but, so uncaring. He is brilliant at his job, but can turn off emotions with such ease. A friend, who met them, said that they seemed like ‘pretend people’…imitating others to fit in, but with no feeling. Scary!

    • #84233
      Avatarthis2shallpass
      Participant

      I wrote a lengthy reply

      • #84257
        rparentsrparents
        Keymaster

        this2shallpass,

        You’ve written several replies in this thread, which are posted above. If you did not see them appear immediately, it is because this forum is moderated. Postings do not go up when you hit submit, but must be approved first.

        Welcome here… I know you will find it supportive.

        Hugs,
        Sheri McGregor

    • #84347
      AvatarRockrose
      Participant

      Hello! I am not even sure where to start and I will keep it as brief as I can because it is so convoluted and messed up that I feel like I am living in another world. Here goes.

      My dear 39 year old son died of cancer 3 years ago. He would be 43 in a couple of weeks. We were really close and I am grieving this as well as my 47 year old daughter who has been estranged since a little after my son’s death. Again. She has done this before in her adult life and I am always the one to put it together again.

      She and her husband and my grandchildren (older children) moved out of state without even saying goodbye in 2017 about a year after my son died. She texted her address and told me that she could not stand the drama. She is the type that runs away from problems. Of course it hurt and I also got angry for the non supportive lack of respect. It is a real blow under the circumstances. I needed her.

      My son was diagnosed with cancer when he was 25 and suffered from it. I was there for him. Always. And helped him a lot. He had two relationships with two young women and has 4 children. During his dying days his wife was actually bringing her future husband in the house when my son was sick in bed unaware in front of the children. My granddaughter finally came out with this this year. I sort of knew in my own heart and she had done this before. My son told her back then not to come home but she wanted the house and everything in it which I bought. Before he was diagnosed we were buying fixer uppers.

      His first relationship, he met my granddaughter’s mom, who was too young and crazy and they split. We went through court proceedings and my son got custody of my granddaughter. My husband and I helped my son and took care of her a most of the time during her first 5 years.

      My son was sick and vulnerable and these young women latched on to a guy with a house and things. He worked hard even though he was sick and my husband and I helped. I made the worst mistake by signing my name off the house early in his marriage to her with her first pregnancy. After my son died she took everything including my family heirlooms and my grandsons. Even his ashes. She married a guy who wore my son’s clothing within weeks after his death.

      We are supporting my granddaughter’s family or they would be on the streets. It will be 3 years in September.

      My husband and I met when my son was in radiation and we are very close. His daughters are estranged too. Long story of the same. Sometimes we wonder why we ever had children? There are altogether 9 grandchildren and thank God we see 1 child. She is the sweetest. There is a light in all of this tragedy. My son’s best friend and his wife are very close to us too. They have a big family and include us in everything. We bought a memorial plaque for my son since she did not even have a funeral and would not include me in anything. We installed his memorial plaque beside my dear parents and grandparents in our community cemetery. My granddaughter and I take flowers of remembrance to all them. They are our family! My daughter does not want family I guess. I ask why all the time. She and I were very close when she was little and I was always there for her when she needed me monetarily. I helped her get into her first house. I took care of my first grandson when she was single. I miss him so much too. That is a whole story too.

      Anyway, that is my some of my story and my heart breaks as I write this. I try not to think anymore because when I do it always leads to questions there are no answers for. I hope that I can meet people that understand and get it. We are trying. We are good people that have bad luck I think. We are not control freaks and avoid confrontation.

      I have also found out through reading that friends that you thought were friends when you lose a child, even an adult child, shy away from you. So true.

      And my daughter can’t take my memories of the beautiful wonderful daughter that I know she can be.

      • #95711
        AvatarPoppyBell
        Participant

        Hello ~ I am about to turn 60 in a few days. I gave birth to 3 children & I have one left, my youngest daughter. I lost my oldest daughter to cervical cancer, 9 yrs ago & my son to marriage 2 yrs ago. I was blindsighted by my son & his wife at there wedding rehearsal & dinner. My husband & I did not see it coming. My daughter didn’t see it coming. The reason, his wife gave was she didn’t like my behavior. After the rehearsal was over, she let me have it. I was so shocked I couldn’t respond to her. She
        acused me of ridiculous things I never said or did. I told my son I thought it was best that I did not come to the wedding. He begged me to come. I did & it just made things worse. She ignored me & when she did talk to me once, she told me off in front of everybody. I left at that point. After the wedding my son got ahold of me & told me not to worry, she will calm down & everything would be fine. Her anxiety made her treat me that way. After a few months, he reached out again. Everything will be fine, she feels bad about treating you so bad. Would I reach out to her? I sent her a message & apologized to her, even tho I had no idea what I was apologizing for! She would not accept it. I didn’t hear from my son for another 4 months. Then my husband had 2 heart attacks in one day & I called my son. Both of them came to the hospital everyday he was there. I thought that this would wake them both up. I was dead wrong. The Dr wasn’t sure if he was having a heart attack or he had blood clots in his lungs. While my husband was getting a cat scan, she looked at m & said you have done many things to hurt me & I need to get it off my chest. I could not believe she wanted to talk about when my husband is in a scanner & we didn’t know if he was going to make. I told her not now, it was not the time. She told my son “I told you your mom doesn’t want to work this out”. My son was furious w/ me. He came to my house after his dad was out of the hospital & he let me have it. He said terrible things to me & he told me I caused his dad’s heart attacks. He was screaming at me, cussing at me, shaking his fists at me & he stormed out. He demanded that my husband sell his business, sell the house, move to a smaller house & if we didn’t he wasn’t coming around anymore. We told him no & we would decide when it was time to give up the business & we were not ever moving. That was the last time I saw him. I didn’t hear from him for months. When I did hear from him he
        either told me off or he would tell me how much he loved me, he couldn’t stand this, he needs his mother & he misses me so much it hurts. A few months ago he reached out & told me he wants this to be resolved. He was coming over soon. He was gaslighting me. We had been texting allot for a few wks. I thought we were on our way to resolving this. He told me in his mind it was resolved. I just needed to talk to his wife & everything would be back to normal. The last day I talked to him I immediately got an icky feeling. He told me he needed me to admit to something they both know I’d did to her. Just admit it mom, we understand when you did this, that you were angry & hurt. We won’t be mad, just admit it. I told I didn’t do it. He acused me of turning 3 people against her. I told them I didn’t know what he was talking about. Then she sent me a text from his phone & let me have it again. She has my son convinced that I started this, every nasty thing she said & did, she told him I did those things. She even told me I did those things, not her. When I can figure out how to apologize to her in the right way, she might accept it. She has forgiven me & she prays for me every night that I will change my behavior. She won’t say what she think is wrong w/ my behavior. That was my breaking point. I had a good cry & when I was done I sent my son one final message. I told him him this needs to stop, I will not tolerate this treatment any longer, I did not deserve it, he married a girl who doesn’t want his family in his life, she wants him all to herself & she wins. They both needed to stop & I was putting a stop to it. I blocked them both & told them why. I am tired of them disrupting my life & being abused by him. I felt the stress melt away. I did not get the outcome I wanted but I feel like I have closure. It still feels like I got kicked in the stomach when I think about it. I feel like he died. His wife has cut him off from everyone. I went thru the grieving process like I did w/ my daughter. It didn’t last as long, he’s still alive so there’s always hope. I will never stop grieving my daughter. That’s something no parent can get over.

      • #95836
        Avatarrattlesnake
        Participant

        Poppybelle,

        So sorry for what you are going through! There are little bits of so many stories that I relate to. My son’s new wife turned on me and tried to get him estranged from his whole family as well. There were times my son did what yours did, contacts me and says he wanted to work things out and that he missed him mom. The first time he did that, I thought, wait a minute? What does he want? Money? Is there trouble in paradise? But quite honestly my son has been talking to me for months now. There are some issues we don’t talk about, lets say an elephant in the room. But we don’t talk about it and for the most part it seems like there never was the falling out. His wife most definitely does not talk to me and won’t, and that is the elephant in the room. They’ve renovated their whole house and I have seen the outside a couple times because I agreed to drop off kids but I’m certainly not allowed to come in and see it.

        I feel so bad for so many here, especially when you have no idea what supposed terrible thing you did. At least in my case, I think I know or can piece together what her hatred is about. It is not rational or justified though! She married a man who has weekend custody of two children, ages 8 and 9 when she married him. I have been a major caretaker of these two ever since they were born and there is nobody in this world who can convince me I should back out of their lives. It is not going to happen after both parents encouraged my involvement for 10 years. My husband who is not their bio grandfather, loves them as much as I do as they have been in our home almost as much as with either parent.

        These kids are good kids (in my opinion) and normal sweet kids, but they are by no means perfect angels and they fight and squabble with each other to the annoyance of anyone who ever spends time with them, including me. New DIL has very unrealistic expectations of such children. She thinks they are supposed to sit quietly in church and look nice on Christmas cards and always eat everything she puts in front of them (even when they are sick but don’t let me get side tracked like I always do!)

        With their back story including a messy divorce and fighting parents, financially struggling parents, there are issues, sometimes with behavior and manners and other things. One of the final blows was when I got wind my new daughter-in-law was planning to take my grandson to a psychologist over his “behavior.” I don’t even think my son was planning to go and was going to authorize her as the guardian for that, and they planned this at a time when the bio mom could not attend since she just started a new job that week and did not feel she could take off for that the first week.

        Well the “terrible thing” I did was go see my ex-DIL and tell her that she needed to go that appointment. I got through to her the importance of it. Not to tell my whole story here but this new wife of my son’s is very intimidating, condescending and domineering and my former DIL is on the meek and timid side most of the time. She is, or was (I hope not any more) scared of the new wife who flaunts her social work degree and claims to “know what children need.” (She was over 30 when she married my son and has never had children of her own). Well new wife was not able to hide that it upset her that the bio mom came to this meeting. But further, as could be expected, new wife started running the show, steering things to her POV about the “terrible” behavior. Then bio mom spoke up and said she did not agree with the bootcamp punishment! New DIL had a melt down and went to bawl in the bathroom for at least 10 minutes, according to what former DIL told me.
        They never went back to the psychiatrist after that.

        And after that DIL did a very direct and viscous thing to try to put a permanent wedge between my son and I. A lot has happened but at this point, I can only say he and I are on speaking terms again. Recently, my son and his wife are expressing once again that they feel severe punishment is due because the kids’ report cards were not stellar this first quarter. Because that (the way she treats my grandkids, etc.) is the “elephant in the room” I doubt my son will bring up anything about the report cards when we talk. But my former DIL told me about this. I have grown as close to my ex-DIL as I was when they were married (she was like a daughter to me). I never thought we’d have that relationship again after the divorce but we do and she confides in me which of course pisses off my son and his new wife, but oh well. As we learn and grow, I have grown enough to say that I love my son but I am not going to give up my friendship with his ex-wife, nor am I going to stand by and do nothing when I see his kids getting hurt, even abused, even if that means he won’t talk to me any more. And I also will never give him (or his new wife) another cent of my hard earned money.

        Poppybelle, I’d like to hear more of your story. Do you have any hints of where her irrational accusations come from? What is great about this forum and Sheri’s book is that it acknowledges what is happening to so many of us here. I think for those who have not experienced such estrangement, there is a tendency to buy into many stereotypes assuming they must have a good reason to cut us off. Or that MILs are just bad people and we don’t want our little boys getting married. That is just so not the truth. We even understand they are going to choose their wife over us, and we are fine with that. But that doesn’t mean it has to be so extreme that the wife can be viscous and horrible, telling lies, hurting children. At some point our grown child should stand up to that rather than also becoming estranged to us.

    • #84353
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Welcome to all of the newcomers, here.

      ddubsky and this2shallpass, and cattydoll,

      I am very sorry that you have experienced these awful and upsetting situations with your child who is now an adult.
      Very sadly, we cannot change another persons feelings, ideas, or decisions, or actions,
      as wrong or incorrect or unkind, or unforgiving, or disrespectful, as we may find them to be, and even though they were our loved children.

      ddubsky,
      it is my own opinion and viewpoint, that you have apologized enough, and the adult has made their position clear. Of course, you feel anger. Amongst the other emotions. I hope you can find some ways to express that, without involving her, and then to try to focus on other things you still have in your life.

      It would really take both sides, working toward a shared goal, in order to resolve anything. We can try to do our part, but at some point, we cannot do it all.

      We did our best we could do, each in our own circumstances, for our children. We tried to do what we thought was good. Now we may be discarded or treated with coldness, cruelty or abandonment.
      It hurts badly, but often, we cannot solve it.
      They do not comprehend how we feel, but we comprehend each other. We are not here to be critical or to judge other parents who tried, and did what they could do.

      There is much caring and support, here.

    • #84362
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Hello to Rockrose.

      I am very sorry for your loss of your son who died 3 years ago, after suffering from cancer.

      And you have suffered so much further grief also. That your daughter would not be with you during that process, is so devastating, and then, the rest of the losses.
      You tried your best, yet still have so much deep heartache.
      We do understand.

      Welcome to our group, that we wish none of us needed, but it does help to be understood, at least for some of what we endure. And accepted for having been parents who tried and made many efforts out of our love.

      Needothers

      • #95739
        AvatarPoppyBell
        Participant

        Hi to RockRose. I understand your story and I understand it well. Nine yrs ago, I lost my oldest daughter to cervical cancer at 26. 7 yrs later I lost my son to his marriage. His wife does want me in his life. She told me she was his wife and he does not need his mother anymore. She has told him so many lies and he chose to believe her. She has also cut everyone out of his life. His family and his friends. I have no idea where they even live. I honestly think he is brainwashed by her. My heart goes out to you and I am sorry that your son passed away. We don’t deserve this agonizing pain our estranged children have put us in. We are forever changed by the deaths of our children, we have been thru the worst kind of loss that a parent can go thru. Then to have another child reject us, it’s terrible. They have no empathy, especially my sons wife. I refuse to call her my daughter in law. She is nothing to me and I resent the hell out of her for tearing my small family apart. My son does not deserve to have me in his life while he is treating me like this. I felt like he died too. I grieved him like he died for awhile. Then I realized he’s still alive so there is always hope. As long as our estranged child is alive, there is hope. Do you ever wonder how your son would feel if he was still here, what he would think of his sibling treating you this way? I know my daughter would be mortified if she were still here! I have another daughter, my youngest and her and I are very close. She calls me her best friend. She’s very hurt by this, so hurt, she can’t talk about it anymore. My husband is crushed by this. All we can do is love each other thru it.

    • #84367
      LvngLvLvngLv
      Participant

      I am a young mother and grandmother. At age 43 I have 3 grandsons age 11, 9 and one I haven’t meet that is approximately a month old, all from my estrange daughter but all from different fathers. I dont intent to be judgemental but is part of the story. At age 16 she got pregnant with my first GS. Understanding how hard was to be a teenage mother I offered all the support I could w/o judgement but w/o removing the responsibilities from her. Her first child arrival came with a lot of drama and a restraining order had to be put on the kid father. We had to move to ease the issue by putting distance between them. After a couple of years we had an argument she basically ran away with her son, only to come back a few month later almost ready to have her second child. I again was supportive and couple of months after her second child was born. she asked to come back home to put her self together and find a place w/ her second kid father. With a heavy heart I had to say no. But I got them into an apartment they could afford (paid security, deposit and 1st month rent) I then found a CNA program and with my ex husband help paid paid for her to enroll in the training that would help her gain a job. About two years later they had an ugly break up broke up and returned to live w me. Now I was recently remarried and was leaving in a different state. Having her home put tension in my new marriage. About 1 1/2 years later she and the 2nd kid father reconciled and he came to live w us too. That added extra tension to already existing issues and I got divorced shortly after. I have set the conditions that they would move out once they were situated, with jobs and cars. I always helped w the kids but it was a constant argument because there was the tendencies to ignore the kids needs. 3 years later they moved on their own after I took a stand. I bought a house and started a new relationship we moved in together. But my daughter’s relationship didn’t last a full year after that and i took her back again after an even uglier break up. They both got involved with other people while living together and the kids, specially my oldes GS where cut up in the situation. Two months later, after she moved w me I found through FB that she was pregnant again from her new boyfriend. I also found I was the only one that didn’t know. She has told the kids to keep it from me. Of course I blew up on her, mostly out of concern for the kids, for her and from been tired of revisiting the same behavior pattern. What started as a conversation ended up in yelling but what’s worst t happened in front of my grandkids. Our relationship was already hard because she wanted to do things in my house I did not agree with, like leaving the kids alone. My boyfriend pull them aside took them to a restaurant and pretty much try to have them understand why I was angry. So a few more things took place so she end up leaving w she new baby’s daddy and she has estranged herself from me claiming I hurt her feelings and disrespected her. She wrote me an email demanding apology, I accepted I was at fault on some of my actions and suggested to go the therapy to work out our differences, but she refused and responded w mean and hurtful words. I adore my grandkids, who basically grew up w me, and now I have a new grandbaby that I wish I could have a relationship with as I did w the older ones. I also understand she got married and her father has come back into her life. She speaks as if I was a bad mother and not been in her life the reason to her new happy life. She claim to have forgiven me but it only sounds as she need to make me the bad guy here. It’s been 9 months and I know it will be years before I see them again. I was the kind of granmother that would bake bday cakes and cook outs for them every year. Help w the back to school purchases, drive them back and forth from school when need it and with homeworks. Or when the kids missed behaved, I was the person she calledto talk to the kids and figured out the issue. Now she have a new person in her life and he’s family supports her been away from me. But only I know I done everything w love and not hate as she claims.

    • #84418
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      LvngLv,
      It is so very difficult and emotional, to do all we can to show love and caring and many types of help, for our child and gc’s, and to go through all of the effects on our own lives, our hearts, your own marriage, etc

      And to be considered not good enough, or harmful , so they discard us ,and tell others negative falsehoods about us, and it feels that no one can understand that we do love them, and did do, many good things for them.

      I am sorry you are in this sad situation, and we welcome you to our group. None of us expected to be cast aside like this, by ones we loved so much, and did work hard ourselves, trying to learn what to do for them, and what not to do.

      You will find plenty of understanding here, and ideas on how to cope, with these losses which are very difficult to cope with, and with many other people, who do not comprehend what we have endured and what we have done, how much love they have turned their back on.

      Needothers

    • #84536
      AvatarMe
      Participant

      Hi Parents,

      When i was joining this site i wrote a long history on how i think my relationship has turned out how it has with my 33yr old daughter. My only child infact. After reading some of the situations you guys are experiencing ive come to realize im not alone. My situation isn’t unique, it actually seems typical these days. Oh my gosh im feeling so used and abused thats for sure. I raised my daughter alone. I was pregnant at 19, married at 19, a mother at 20 and a single mother before 22. I did 4 yrs of school immediately and got a good job in order to support us properly. I had a traumatic childhood and was determined not to let my daughter suffer the experiences i suffered. She was a noisey child. Loud and rambunctious. Testing every boundary not once or twice but every time. It could be exhausting but i would think wow, shes gonna be something else. Shes limitless. Shes so smart, so unique, so interesting. Never did i imagine the boundaries she would test and cross would become bigger and bigger..then disastrous. Never did i think it would carry thru to age 33 which she is now. Early teens she completely stopped listening and decided she knew everything and if she didnt her friends did. She started with the EVERYONE THINKS…..which was always contradictory to what i think. She began to collect her armies so to speak. I began to lose confidence as a parent. I stayed single while she was growing up because i stupidly believed due to my own experiences that step fathers wouldn’t love her like i do..and she would feel it. He wouldnt treat her right. These thoughts were just a product of my own experiences though. She ended up with an older guy. They had kids. They were both immature and selfish. Lots of fighting going on in the household. Irresponsible with bills. Partying. I was a nervous wreck over my grandchildren. I worked hard to spare my daughter from the things she was submitting my grandchildren to. The disrespect from her and her commonlaw towards me was insufferable. Disgusting. I felt emotionally trapped…held hostage. I was desperate for my grandkids. I basically raised them emotionally, physically, financially for the first 9 yrs of their life. My daughter and son inlaw were out of control so many times the kids lived with me. There are 2. They are my heart. My daughter ended up leaving him. Clearly neither one of them were very motivated in life. They worked but their money went to everything but bills. They would count their paycheques as well as mine when considering income it seemed. During the ups and doens i would try to set boundaries around money and my daughter would scream at me til i couldnt stand it. “But mom the kids need this the kids need that. Sign for our lease, sign for our car, sign for cable, internet, cell phones. If you dont ill never see you again. You wont see the kids.”. The second she would say no kids i would panic and do anything. I was scared if i wasnt around something bad would happen. I knew i was their safe place..and they were mine. After the separation my daughter met a man from a well off family. He wanted a baby with her. They got pregnant pretty quick and his family bought them a house and a nice vehicle. They no longer need me. For anything. The casual threats of not being able to see the kids are now facts. She yells and is ignorant to me when we are together. Its embarrassing. She says i have to out up with her if i want to see the kids. There are 3 now. Ive been beaten down so bad even i havent liked myself a whole lot. I think if my daughter thinks im horrible then i must be. Anyways ive done a lot of thinking and self reflection combined with some freakin counseling so i could think straight. My thinking was do spun around. This behaviour of hers has been unacceptable for too many years. It kills me to not be able to see my grandchildren but ive decided to accept it. The bond i have established with them is tight. No one can break it. Not even her. I cant stand for them to see their mother yelling and screaming at me for nothing. Disrespecting me. It teaches them bad things. They know i love them with all my heart. They know where i live. They are mot allowed to call me on the phones i bought them nor are they allowed to send me photos or videos but in a few years from now they will be old enough to come see me on their own regardless of what she says. This is what i have to hang on to. I need my sanity back. My self esteem. Shes not going to mature as i thought she would. Nothing is ever her fault. Shes never apologetic. My daughter is a narcissist. She went from a spoiled brat to a full on narcissist. I never seen it coming. I never allowed to see it. Ive been in emotional pain for so long while sitting in denial of how bad this situation has become. I have to accept it for what it is. Its been a couple months and im holding strong. Only 3-4 more years to go.

    • #84555
      AvatarTampabay
      Participant

      Hi everyone, I am new to this group and I see I am not alone. I am trying to accept my son’s estrangement. Little bit of background, we moved to another state as a family, and I am the only one that came back. I was in an abusive marriage where I couldn’t do anything right after a while. I never laughed or smiled anymore. Constantly walking on eggshells it seemed. One day he will end up killing me and I needed to get out of the marriage. My son at the time had a choice to stay or come with me. He chose to stay with his dad because he felt sorry for him. I cried for 3 months when I got back home where my family is. I kept in contact with my son by flying to see him and vice-versa. Sending him things in the mail all the time. Texting when we could. Somehow he got influence by the ex. He became disrespectful like his father. I still tried to make it work with him. I did not like how my own son was treating me after a while. After his graduation from high school, he wrote me a nasty text basically telling me, I do not want to talk to you anymore. I always tried to hide the abuse from him. Looking back, I should’ve let him see it. (that is the reason why I left) He thinks I am the bad guy. So after handing my a** to me, he never replies to my texts or calls me back. I send him cards for Christmas with money in it. I see he cashes the check, but never texts a thank you. I am done with that part of it. I am not sure If I should still text on his birthday, or Christmas when I don’t get anything back. What do you think? In a way, I miss him, but I do not miss the disrespect. I am feeling a lot better since I started reading your book Sheri! I guess I am learning to accept the loss. Every time I encounter a young man around my son’s age 19, I feel like my motherly instincts come out and I feel like I want to give that young man a hug. For instance, I went to church on mothers day and a young man was handing out a carnation to all mothers walking out of church. I really wanted to give him a hug, but I just said thank you! By the way, I was a real mess that day!

    • #84639
      Avatarpeachy19
      Participant

      WELCOME Tampabay,
      I found this site a few months ago when my son stopped all contact with me he told my brother he needed to take a break from me and so I am no longer able to see my granddaughter either,that broke my heart . I am reading the book Done with the crying also it is helping but I still have my moments ,mothersday i worked thinking it would ease the pain i am taking better care of myself but it still hurts and i know it will for a while. but it is getting less there is a relief not walking on eggshells with every interaction, no responses to my texts , I do still turn around when someone says mom but that will change again too.this site the book and therapy is helping

    • #84729
      AvatarHayleyD
      Participant

      I suppose I should introduce myself as I’ve been lurking around here off and on for a few years now. My story is quite different from most on here as my ex turned my son against me when he was still in grade school so when we split up a year or so later, my son moved in with his cousin and REFUSED to live with me so I had to let him live with his father. My ex taught him that I was ‘the old biddie’ and he didn’t have to do anything I said making discipline impossible. That was 30+ years ago. I’m a devout Christian so I have done all I can to try to restore the relationship but it’s very strained at best. We do have a relationship but it’s all at his choosing, and one wrong word out of me, and he stops speaking to me. Fortunately I don’t get nasty texts or emails, in fact, I don’t get anything unless I initiate it. I’m to the point of realizing that when he told me years ago that he really doesn’t want a relationship with me, he meant it and all my groveling to him does not make him love me more. I just ordered the book as I’m to the point of realizing that I have to move on with my life and stop thinking somehow, some way we’re going to have a wonderful relationship if I just show him that I love him. I’ve killed myself to show him that–and I think he genuinely knows I do, but can’t be bothered. I’ve seen him once in almost 8 years. The funny thing about this whole sad situation is that he treats his dad as poorly as he treats me. He married into a very wealthy family and I think that has a lot to do with how he treats his dad who was a blue collar worker. Anyway, it’s nice to know I’m not alone, and while I do have contact with my son, I’m constantly on edge as one wrong word can get me banished again. He refused to speak to me for 9 months several years ago for something I said.

    • #84885
      BooksandTreesBooksandTrees
      Participant

      Hi everyone. I’m new around here and, I guess like must of you, I never expected to need a place like this (thanks Sheri!)

      I have one child – son, aged nearly 32 – we aren’t estranged (yet) but I sometimes think that it’s only because I bite my tongue all the time that we aren’t – if I said the wrong thing, that would be that.

      The final straw for me was not getting a reply to a call – something really small but it’s the straw that’s broken this camel’s back. You know what it’s like – you call (I hardly ever do – usually text and even then not often – once a month, maybe) but we hadn’t spoken in four months and I decided to risk it…so you call, and you know, you can feel, that he’s screening his calls, sees it’s only you and thinks – it’s only mum, can’t be bothered with that, whatever. So I kind of knew he wouldn’t answer the actual call but I did expect the courtesy of a reply over the weekend, then I thought maybe he was busy but he’d call on the way home from work on the Monday, like he used to…nothing. This went on for four weeks. He did call eventually, left a voicemail which I replied to as soon as I saw it and nothing again…so more than a month on, we still haven’t actually spoken to each other…

      Now, I feel bad talking about this as if it’s a problem because I know some of you have had really bad experiences and maybe no contact from your kids for years. But this little thing has been like having my rose tinted spectacles knocked off my face and all of a sudden I can see for the first time the actual, real relationship I have with my adult child – and it’s not anything like the one I hoped for. I walk on eggshells all the time, don’t be too motherly, try to keep things light and it’s still wrong. How did we end up like this? We were so close (I thought) when he was little. I look at photographs of him as a child and I literally cannot see any connection with the man he is today. It’s like they are two different people.

      I haven’t explained things very well but I’m looking forward to talking things over with you here, sharing and supporting 🙂

    • #84887
      AvatarIamloved
      Participant

      I’m not exactly certain that I’m estranged from by son but I think it’s coming real soon. He’s always been rebellious and only recently began to see reality and understand that no one is a perfect parent, even him. But things have taken a turn for the worst recently. He didn’t call me in my birthday, which he normally did. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but he is my only son and I’m single. But really, even a phone call is pretty lame.

      A few years ago I called him and asked what I did to cause him to be so distant from me. He didn’t say, but called me back after some thought and said that he realized there was abuse. Here’s the abuse; his dad lectured him for hours on end, his dad was so cheap and his gifts were the cheapest ones available.and We didn’t have his back when he was accused of something (even though he said he did it). I was hopeful that our relationship would improve, and it somewhat. For a few years he came over every week with his son for dinner. But I realized he was using me for a place where he could have a no cost custody visit with his son who’s moms house was close to mine. Eventually they stopped coming because the GS had activities, he’s 17 now, and our relationship is pretty good. For the first 7 years of his life he visited for an overnight every other weekend. I’m so thankful for the time I got to spend with him. That bonding time is the only reason for him to stay in my life as an adult.

      My ES does not curse me or yell at me. Everything he does to show his disgust is passive aggressive. Examples are when I didn’t get invited to the rehearsal dinner for his first wedding Or when he chose not to attend my second wedding, or when he would never call me back if I left a message, or when I never got school pictures of GS, or when I get a $50 grocery store gift card for any holiday (he married into a wealthy family), or when he barely acknowledges my birthday but take his dad golfing two days later on his birthday.

      Believe me, I realize many have much worse situations than mine. I’m not interested in getting a $100 gift card instead of $50. I just want to be treated as respectfully as anyone else in the family.

      I’m 65 and currently working on improving my health situation Since I just got insurance. I plan to sell my house and purchase an RV to live in. I make a craft I can sell and will be able to do some shows and find places to sell my work. Thank you for listening. I rarely talk to anyone about this because most don’t understand.

      • #84971
        BooksandTreesBooksandTrees
        Participant

        Hi Iamloved – I’m in pretty much the same situation as you. My son is still on speaking terms with me but it feels like it’s only because I give way all the time – the only time I stood up for myself we didn’t see each other for a year. It’s so good to find somewhere to talk to other people in the same situation – hope we can help each other along the way to a better future 🙂

      • #85064
        rparentsrparents
        Keymaster

        Dear Iamloved,

        You expressed yourself well. There are many, many parents who find themselves in the sorts of situations you mention. A son (or daughter) who just grows distant and there is no reason why. No yelling or abuse, but the question lingering there (Why doesn’t he ever call? Why won’t he even reply to a friendly text now and again—or if he does, if I tell him I love him, his only reply is “thanks”?).

        Don’t feel as if your situation is not as worthy of care here. You are not alone, and you are welcome.

        HUGS to you.

        Sheri McGregor

    • #84958
      AvatarWeezee67
      Participant

      I’m a 52 year old Mum of 6 in West Sussex in the Uk. So glad I found this place. My eldest daughter , she moved out at 22 approx 5 years ago, is the kind that you can’t say anything to about anything so I have constantly been biting my tongue, allowed no opinion Whatsoever. We fell out when I said I didn’t agree with how she spoke to me. Ignored for 6 months.
      Middle daughter and her fella lived with me for 2 years. Paid barely any housekeeping to me even though they both worked. The one time I put my foot down and say I won’t be spoken to like that, and I need rent money from them, they move out within 2 hours to live with my ex mother in law (we are friendly still).
      My sons are all respectful and kind and my youngest daughter is only 14. It’s my eldest daughters baby shower at the end of August and I got a crappy text in group message on what’s app. “Mum, I cant add you to the event on FB for some reason. I will send you details nearer the time!” I purposely haven’t I friended them as I don’t want to see bitter and twisted.

      • #84972
        BooksandTreesBooksandTrees
        Participant

        Hi Weezee67 – biting your tongue – that sounds familiar! I feel like I’m the one who has to watch what I say all the time with my son…how did that get to be the way it is? Anyway, welcome – I’ve just joined too. Hope to be able to help each other along the way 🙂

    • #84975
      Avataremily38
      Participant

      Welcome to Weezee67, Iamloved and BooksandTRees……and every other parent here.

      Welcome, to a place none of us ever expected we’d be, or even knew existed. I mean the Land of Estrangement from our adult offspring.

      Everyone here has something to offer. Each of us has our own specific experiences and none are too small while many are enormous, all ones that led us to Estrangement.

      Start your journey to healing with Sheri’s book. Do the exercises. Read the book and do the exercises again. And again if necessary. This is like physical therapy but otherapy for the heart. You’ll have to be committed to the program and show up.

      Sheri’s essays on the home page of this site are invaluable. And, of course, so is everything shared on the Forum. As you read here, even if the specifics don’t ‘fit,’ you’ll gain perspective. You’ll come to understand the roots of this dynamic even though none of us claim to know the ‘why?” of it.

      Please keep posting. We need one another with the support our stories provide.
      emily38

      • #85985
        AvatarChickenLittle
        Participant

        Thank you for this post…it helped me tonight.

    • #84996
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Welcome to each of the ones who are new to us, here.

      And thanks again, as always, to Emily38,
      for such a true and wonderful post, that helps all of us who read it.

      Needothers

      • #85056
        Avataremily38
        Participant

        Needothers, your lovely words and caring reply almost brought tears to me. I value everything you write too. In the Spirit of the Fourth of July, here’s to our prayed for/hoped for/ desired Freedom from the chains of Estrangement round our hearts,
        emily38

    • #85117
      AvatarHayleyD
      Participant

      BooksandTrees, love the user name as I buy books like they’re going out of style, and absolutely love trees.

      I’m glad to see that there are a few of us who aren’t fully estranged from our ACs but still need support of dealing with the turmoil of being cut off willy-nilly as you describe.

      I’m in the same boat with my son with whom I have a strained relationship, but we’re fully estranged. Our relationship is at his whim, and he responds to me if and when it suits him. It’s very frustrating waiting day by day to see if he’s going to answer an email or text or call like he said he would.

      He has no real interest in anything my husband and I do, and I get sick of trying to make conversation. We basically talk about his sports as he’s a semi-professional extreme athlete, but if it wasn’t for that, we wouldn’t have anything to talk about. I’m happy to support him, and am extremely proud of him and all his accomplishments, but I get sick of feeling like I have to lavish praise on him every time I talk to him to maintain the relationship. I also walk on eggshells when I talk to him as one wrong word and I don’t hear from him for months.

    • #85119
      AvatarIamloved
      Participant

      Thank you BooksandTrees,

      Yes, it’s the walking on eggshells that gets old. I’m not sure if it’s okay if I say this but I believe this happens so much because evil is very prevalent in the world and family relationships will improve only through prayer and redemption.

      Thank you Sherri, for your warm welcome.

      I have a part 2 in my story and that is that I’m estranged from my sister, who is much younger than me. Actually, I’m estranged from both, but at one time my younger one and I were very close. The other one has always had a chip on her shoulder. I had some success with my hobby and during that time I received a hateful email cutting me off from any contact. I was devastated because I mothered her as well as being a sister. I was her brownie and Girl Scout leader and helped her pick out her wedding dress. Our family was very dysfunctional and she spent many weekend at my house after I married young. Losing my sister is almost as bad as being emotionally estranged from my son. I pray for a reconciliation, but I’m not interested in another sick relationship. To be in my life she needs to search her heart and go to counseling or something. I’m not worthy of anyone’s envy, yet seems to be the reason the hate.

      All this turmoil added to my job loss in 2008, really set on my heels. I became depressed and it was difficult to function. Through counseling and my faith I’m in a much better place now. Thank you again for listening. It’s son wonderful to speak the truth knowing most will understand.

      • #85166
        BooksandTreesBooksandTrees
        Participant

        Thanks HayleyD – mad about books here too…I’d hate to have to choose between my garden and my books!

    • #85211
      Avatarpeachy19
      Participant

      hi all,
      I need a little feedback my daughter-in-law has reached out to invite me to a few get get to gathers,I went to one and my son was well not welcoming , she invited me to the 4th but i didnt go i felt torn i could see my granddaughter,but, the look on my sons face from the last party stays in my mind ,he and i had gone to the store last time and i said to him “the past is the past i am sorry for any miss understanding we had i would like to start new , his reaction was just a blank look,how would you feel??

    • #85236
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Emily38,
      Thank you for that very appreciated comment, for me above. It gave me a smile and a happy tear in my eye.

      And also, I love that reframing you did, for the freedom, we need and hope for, we seek and deserve.

      Oh, those hearts of ours.
      They cry , yet they are full of love and caring, as we repeatedly demonstrate, here.
      We are loving people.
      The words and actions of others, do not define us, after all.
      (As they sometimes have so much felt like they did)

      Thank you Emily38, and all of you for being here too.

      Needothers

    • #85278
      Avatarempty1
      Participant

      Hi
      It is many months since I have been on any of the threads, just to heartbroken and trying to get on. But I need some support as no one else seems to understand and it is so so lonely. I can see there are so many who know the same feelings….
      I will try and keep it as short as possible….
      My husband left me 3 years ago and at that point my son of 34 rejected me as well, I had a good relationship with him as a child and teenager and have always been there for him. I had an excellent relationship with my grandson who is now 9, my granddaughter has a degenerative disease and is often in hospital. I am not allowed any contact with them. I have sent them Xmas, birthday cards, presents, letters etc. over the past 3 years and no response from any of them. I found out last month that I now also have another granddaughter.
      I am so scared of my other two children doing the same…..my ex messaged me tonight and said he was going to visit our son, I told him I can’t do it anyone, I can’t continue to be in limbo and can’t take anymore rejection and hurt. I don’t know why I did it, guees what he hasn’t replied, which just adds to my rejection. I am not being the victim, I am just so hurt and angry at the same time. I have stayed calm and not said anything for 3 years, but inside I feel like shouting, “You are the most cruel people I know, how can you do this”.
      I am lost I don’t know what to do….my daughter doesn’t seem to understand the pain I am in either……so the less and less people I can talk to, there is actually know one I can talk to, because people just don’t understand….do I pretend with my other two children that everything is OK, not talk about my son and grandchildren, I miss them so so much each day….I don’t know what my grandson has been told and that cuts me up, does he think granny doesn’t love him anymore, does he think I am dead even, I just don’t know and that is the worst….
      I really feel for people who have lost their children in death, but I feel this is a living death, I can’t even put it into words anymore……is it a case of just putting a smile on your face and sayin “I am OK”…..
      I usually cope quite well in silence, but today is a bad day and I just can’t take it anymore….

    • #85309
      AvatarHayleyD
      Participant

      empty1, I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

      Are you in a position to get some sort of counseling? With all the loss you’ve suffered, you need someone to help you process it so you can move on with your life in a productive way.

      One thing I’ve concluded with my son with whom I’m not fully estranged, but have a very difficult relationship as his father turned him against me as a child is that older people are despised by younger people, especially when they have a need or are down on their luck. I think this is the natural result of a culture that doesn’t value anything but youth, wealth, health, good looks and success.

    • #85338
      AvatarIamloved
      Participant

      Dear Grandmothers,

      It’s worth it to suck it up to keep your grandchildren in your life. That’s what I had to do and i am now reaping the rewards of my grandson’s weekly visit to cut my grass and he always spends a little time because I bribe him with cookies and milk. His last visit made me realize our relationship is just between he and I now.

      I realize everyone’s situation is different and not everyone can or should even try. I didn’t realize at the time bc it was a subconscious decision, but I took everything at face value, accepted every invitation almost, attended every football game, baseball and even wrestling, which BTW I enjoyed thoroughly. Sometimes ES gave me his schedules, but if not I found it online. What helped the most was his bi-weekly overnight visits from birth to about 7.

      I must give credit to the Lord because I prayed a lot and this is answered prayer.

    • #85376
      Avatarempty1
      Participant

      Thank you HayleyD yes I do access the support I need. I appreciate your comments Iamloved, however I wish I had the opportunity to just ‘suck it up’. Unfortunately I don’t as I do not live near for one and two my son will not allow any access at all. Some of us do not get invitations and are completely blocked.

    • #85584
      AlchemyAlchemy
      Participant

      Hello all, I’ve been reading your stories and am sending support.

      My son moved out 18 months ago, when he was 20. He moved several states away and moved in with his girlfriend.

      We knew he was moving and we supported him. The day after he arrived (and I had been looking forward to calling him and talking) we got an email saying he had changed his phone number and that we could email but he might not respond.

      He has not responded. He blocked us on social media. I was trying to send money through his girlfriend’s mother but she removed herself from the middle, which I respect. I just haven’t had any information to know exactly what he wanted.

      I found out through indirect means that he and his girlfriend got married very recently. I wasn’t invited to my own son’s wedding. Ouch.

      There was a misunderstanding and some mistakes with his girlfriend before this, and when I tried to set some boundaries I sent a message that upset her. I have apologized profusely and really worked on myself to do better and to support. She wants space to heal and I respect that. I respect that he needs space and to set these boundaries. I admire that they are thriving in their lives, from the little I know.

      So my work, in the book and in this group, is to grieve and process this in some way so that I can move on. I wish them the very best. I’ve gone over and over mistakes and regrets, but in the end I realize that it’s less about what I’ve done and more about that he has the agency to make these choices. My work is with myself, through the pain and grief and loss, and that’s what I commit to now.

    • #85585
      Avatarpeachy19
      Participant

      Thank-you I am loved,
      Most invitations are last minute and i cant get off of work, which makes my son more angry he expects me to drop everything and be there .In the past i did that and look what it lead to him not talking to me at all . the point is when i can see my granddaughter my son either is not there or he gives be a cold look and may say hi but thats it. this hurts so much i just want to give him a hug and a kiss he is still my baby that looks like he hates me

    • #85762
      AvatarBestNina
      Participant

      Our daughter was adopted at 25 HOURS old due to my infertility issues. She and I began to share a difficult relationship when she was 13 years old. We saw several counselors in an attempt to make things better. During her 20’s she began to be verbally abusive to me. She is now 28 and we have been estranged for 18 months. Her dad and I struggle with the usual guilt, anger, sadness and unbelief this is happening in our family. The only contact we have are occasional nasty texts . We still have contact with our grand daughter for which we are very grateful.

    • #85848
      AvatarChickenLittle
      Participant

      I am a mother of two men who are close in age & in their early thirties. When in their late teens, they pulled away and I assumed this a natural phase and that they would return to develop a better relationship. One did return but the other has not.
      I hoped when he married that our relationship would be restored but it has not, in fact, I would say it is worse. We have occasional contact but those occasions seem strained and more difficult with each passing year. I feel that he & his wife really do not want to spend time with us and we honestly feel that we hardly know him any more. They do not take (or return) our occasional calls or text messaging so I quit calling. I only text a message about every 2-3 months telling them that we are thinking of them & hoping they are having a good week & that we love them or along those lines. Texts that require no reply. I know very little about how they are doing as even when we are together it seems there is very little communication.
      He is expecting his first child and I do not believe we will be given much opportunity to know this grandchild. I fear that my other son will pull back & follow suit as they both will have children close in age. They get together at least weekly sometimes more often.
      As I have read the posts by other parents, I realize that we are fortunate as he still sees us about 3 times a year & I am glad but am fearful that this contact will soon be totally cutoff. The situation seems hopeless for improvement.
      I received “Done with the Crying” today. I have begun to read & work through the exercises. I hope to learn how to better cope with the grieving and to not be paralyzed by it, to learn acceptance while holding out hope for reconciliation & to find happiness inspire of the heartbreak.

    • #85913
      Avatarpeachy19
      Participant

      Thank all of you for sharing,
      Sometimes my friends and family tell me! To suck it up that my son ignores me if he sees me , ignores my texts and calls,he makes plans for me to see my granddaughter then cancels.They just dont understand the pain of being treated this way by my only child, This is so helpful to not feel alone or judged!!!! I am not the one closing him out of my life

    • #85933
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      ChickenLittle, you are doing the right thing by not chasing after your son. I am sure you have read that the only one you can change is yourself. You cannot change other people. Your son will need to change himself. The more you push and ask what happened or what you did the more he will pull away. He has made this decision and hopefully someday he will want to rejoin the family. Until then there is nothing you can really do to make it happen. I’m wondering about the relationship the son and DIL has with her parents as well as your relationship with this DIL? Does the DIL want you guys in their life and to be park of the child’s family? This estrangement is his decision and not yours, it is cruel and unnatural. Accepting his decision is probably the hardest thing you will do. The pain and torment estrangement can cause the parents seems unbearable. I know your emotions are all over the place and it is hard to balance your life with all you are dealing with.

      Done with the Crying really helped me! I am so glad you ordered it. I really took a lot of time with the exercises and put a lot of thought in my answers. I hope you do the same.
      I know your life is not the same with your son being estranged. This is not the future you planned or wanted. I am sorry you are going through this. I know your heart is broken. While you still have a relationship with your other son try not to involve him as it will push him away as well. I hope you find peace and comfort.

      Sadlostbroken

      • #85983
        AvatarChickenLittle
        Participant

        Sadlostbroken, thank you for your thoughts & kind words. My son married into a prosperous family who can offer gifts, entertainment & travel that we can not. They see her parents frequently and live close by them (and just under an hour from us). They are with them for all holidays & we always try for alternate days or weekends; however, they frequently do not come & do not notify us if they will be with us or not.
        Our DIL has all the classic signs of narcissistic personality disorder. We feel the she tolerates us but does not want to be with us & would likely prefer never to see us. We have not spoken about our hopes & dreams to be a part of the GC life, but we feel that she will use the child as a pawn to punish us & show further disdain for us. I have not allowed myself to even hope for a relationship with the GC. Having said that, my son had pulled away prior to her involvement. (I only met her 2-3 times for very brief encounters prior to their engagement) so while I believe she encourages the breech in the relationship, I feel he owns it.
        Like so many here, this is not what I had hoped for and because of my own childhood rejection issues, coping with this has been especially painful. Thank you for your encouragement. I will truly work through the book and heed the counsel you gave. Thank you for taking time to read & post…means everything to me.

    • #86103
      AvatarBubbles73
      Participant

      Hello,

      I originally posted this intro in the Introduce Yourself #3 after it was closed, so I’m posting it here too.

      I have three estranged children – my eldest son, middle daughter, youngest daughter (with two grandbabies and an expectant one).

      My eldest son has been estranged the longest, although he does contact me if he needs money or sometimes I will order groceries for delivery for him. I never miss Christmas and birthdays and give him money on these occasions. I have no forwarding address for him so I can’t ever send him cards – he moves around a lot for work too. My husband is stepfather to him and my eldest daughter. However, both children are in regular contact with their real father – spending every single Christmas with him and his family, and lots of other times too. They then splash it all over social media, and it’s so painful.

      My son has made it clear that his problem is with my husband – I don’t know what turned their relationship sour, my son was our best man at our wedding, they were always best chums. I’m so confused. We never really talked about it – my son left home when he was twenty to work away. I’ve seen him once in 10 years, and I miss him. My youngest son misses him, he really looks up to his big brother. (Youngest is still at home, he’s 15.)

      My eldest daughter and I were very close until she moved out at 25 to live nearer her birth father. She lived with my husband, me and my son, rent free until then. I supported her through university – we were very close, and I miss her. She is being the most hurtful – constantly sending nasty messages saying she will not see me. I have asked her to meet me so we can talk and she says she is busy. It’s passive-aggressive and it’s killing me. My husband suspects that it is her father and his partner turning them against us – we even had the partner sending us nasty messages, getting involved where it was not requested. I hate to admit it, but he may be right. I do think it’s a very cruel popularity contest. They spend hundreds on them at Christmas and birthdays and we can only manage modest gifts as I’m on disabiltity. I love my girl and boy so much and it’s killing me.

      I have severe fibromyalgia, diabetes, hypertension, postural hypotension…I use a wheelchair and my husband is my carer. My children complain that I change my plans last minute – sometimes that’s the nature of my illnesses – but I always call them to explain. They then say that I am making excuses…there is never any sympathy. They say that lots of people have grief/illness/emotional scars etc, and they manage to be good parents. I try to explain that all people cope differently, and that it’s not an excuse, but they just send nasty comments. If there are days when I’ve had to cancel plans at the last minute, I usually end up crying all day at home. I hate disappointing anyone and I do feel useless and worthless a lot of the time and sometimes I do wonder if they’d all be better off without me.

      I lost my mother in 2010, very suddenly. I lost two of my siblings to cancer (two in the same month), and a third sibling died suddenly in her sleep. Never had a daddy – he died when I was 3. I was also sexually abused as a child (twice) and emotionally abused by my stepfather. My kids think I use my past and my grief for my family as an excuse – it doesn’t define me but it still hurts me. They accuse me of being empty and distant, but oh, it’s the opposite! I can’t get enough of them! They are (were?) my whole world and I’m lost without them. I wish my mum was here…she was the glue that kept our family together – i loved her so deeply and she loved me and I find it so difficult to accept such hate from my own kids…they were brought up amongst so much love and family togetherness….my heart is breaking.

      My youngest daughter, I feel, is being dragged into the conflict. She’s very impressionable, and I feel like they are all turning her against me as she started sending me nasty messages saying I’m useless and a waste of skin. I just want to know what I’ve done. I really do want to fix it but they refuse to talk to me.

      I feel so broken. I’m in so much pain emotionally, physically….I don’t know who to turn to. My husband is in pain too. He’s raised these kids as his own since they were little and loves them (my youngest daughter calls him dad as her dad is dead). Our youngest boy is constantly being exposed to all the drama too. It’s so unhealthy. I’m so scared he’s going to grow up emotionally damaged by it all. I just don’t know where to turn.

      Thank you so much for listening (if you made it this far!) Just writing it all down has helped a little.

    • #86259
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      I hadn’t realized that the Introduction #3 was previously closed, seemingly before I had recently written and posted the following there:

      Welcome to all of the new ones who posted here.

      Amethyst,

      you do not sound unreasonable at all, to me. She (the dil) sounds like a very cold person, who cannot be trusted, and it sounds like a very difficult situation. It certainly can make you sad and upset, but you need to try the best you can, to take care of your own health, too. And the upsets do effect us.

      She does seem that she cannot be ever fully trusted, which is not your fault at all.

      You probably will not ever be the same, again, as you said. Yet, you can find ways to comfort and reassure yourself, you do know you have been a loving good parent, and that you were even accepting and caring toward your father, who was not nearly as attentive as you were to your sons.
      I had that experience too.

      My parents made far more serious mistakes than I did, in parenting, yet I did love them, and would not have wanted to hurt them, or to see them hurt, as our adult children allow us to be.

      I am sorry you have this difficult challenging situation, that is not of your making.
      Welcome to this group of good people, though.
      ***************

      Bubbles73,

      I am so sorry for all of the losses you have had in the past, your siblings, the past traumas, and your mom.

      And now you have the difficulties with your painful and difficult illness, and with family members not being understanding and supportive of that, and the estrangements of your children.

      The unkind words from your younger daughter…. that is hard to bear. Your illness is not your fault, and it did not even cause all these challenges.

      It is a very difficult, heavy load.
      I am glad you found this group.
      It really does help.

      I am glad to have each one of you, here in this helpful, accepting group, with us.
      Needothers

    • #86377
      AvatarHayleyD
      Participant

      Bubbles73, I’m very sorry for your loss and health problems. I’ve had chronic health problems that mainifested as fibro/CFS/adrenal fatigue for 37 years that turned out to be an inability to metabolize salicylates, the compound found in aspirin and a host of fruits, veggies and used as preservatives. My son thinks I’m nuts so I know how it goes with getting no sympathy. I don’t know when I’m going to be wiped out, in pain or just sick as a dog if I get too many salicylates as it’s in plants as well, and can take a few days to manifest. I look like a boob which is very frustrating. People who’ve never had a chronic health issue have no clue how difficult some of these hidden illnesses can be.

      I’m wondering if your son’s issues with your husband have more to do with some sort of emotional conflict about his dad vs his stepfather? When you’re young, it’s hard to understand that you can love more than one person.

      I wish I had some good advice about your daughter’s nasty texts. If you tell her you won’t put up with that, you may never hear from her again, but if you allow her to abuse you, you lower yourself in her eyes by coming off as desperate. I guess you put up with it until you’re ready to say ‘no more’ and then let her know you won’t tolerate being talked to that way, and let the chips fall where they may. The problem with estrangements is that no matter what you do, it’s probably the wrong thing…

    • #86716
      AvatarWMMCCB
      Participant

      My husband and I have been together for 30 years. Our oldest daughter hasnt spoken to me in three months over a gift for her. Some day when I have more time to explain, I would like to get everyone’s take on that. She was a wonderful young child but when she became a teenager, she changed. I would say she is narcissistic. We were always there for our children in every way possible. I’m dealing with the why is she so disrespectful to me still after all these years. (Teenager to now mid 20s) People will just assume she is that way because I allowed it but when I tried to stop it our house was not peaceful. My husband was not supportive because she was always a high achieving person and thought I need to let things go. He would also say “that’s how she is”. Both are very competitive people and match better personality wise. So, of course, now she only will speak to him and he gloats about it. So that is what I’m dealing with on top of the estrangement. I’m struggling.

    • #86741
      AvatarHayleyD
      Participant

      WMMCCB, welcome! I’m sorry you’re going through this and hope you find help here knowing you aren’t alone.

      The thing that jumps out at me is that where your daughter and husband have the same personality and get along better, and he gloats about it, do you think he could be somehow undermining you in her eyes? It sounds almost like you’re dealing with parental alienation is a very underhanded, convoluted way.

      • #86888
        AvatarWMMCCB
        Participant

        Thank you!

    • #86740
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      WMMCCB, It sounds like a tough situation. I know it is so hurtful to be ignored and it makes you feel isolated. I feel like the relationship that really needs the immediate attention may be your marriage. Perhaps have a quiet time with him and discuss the situation and your feelings. Let him know that the two of you should always have each other’s back. You are already wounded and don’t need to add salt to the wound. Let him know you are looking for support and a shoulder not more rejection. To gloat is cold and hurtful and if the situation was reversed how would he feel.

      Your daughter is grown and is certainly capable of destroying a marriage. She is putting a wedge between you and your husband and your husband needs to recognize it before it’s too late.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #86766
      AvatarLedoux
      Participant

      Hello one and all,

      My one and only son did a 180 after he got married to a bi polar woman over six years ago. And the ex wife of 38 years is also now a prize and she’s launched a campaign against me as well. I brought this boy up myself from age 11. He now has a master’s degree and a great job with the government. I have 2 grandson’s, one that I saw every single week since he was born, the other I wasn’t allowed to have a relationship with.

      Ten months ago, I walked away from ALL these toxic people as I found this the only way to sanity since I tried everything under the sun to rectify things to no avail. I’m dealing with it quite well now, but the pain comes and goes and I think of my son and grandsons everyday wondering what his maniac wife will do next.

    • #86797
      Avatarpeachy19
      Participant

      I can relate I became a single parent when my son was two i walked away from a marriage with a drug addict .My son was a handful but i did everything i could to help him.I never took a break . What i thought was me showing him unconditional love appears to be that I put my life on hold ! I have come to realize how wrong that was , i defended him for years and although we can blame every one for influencing his actions now but the truth is he is an adult it is his choice to accept these toxic people in to his life the final decision is his !!! Why is it so easy to blame everyone around them for their actions and not blame our adult son for His actions He is the one choosing to walk away i cant defend these actions he knows exactly what he is doing AND DOESNT CARE!!! yes it is painful to accept that we raised them cried when they cried, we dont deserve this and our sons KNOW IT! I blame Him i told him i cant read your mind if i did something let us talk it out i love you and miss you this is really hurting me i am here to listen. NO ONE IS TWISTING HIS ARM ! HE IS CHOOSING TO BREAK MY HEART NO ONE WOULD EVER MAKE ME DO THIS TO HIM NO MATTER WHAT HE HAS DONE

    • #86805
      Avatarkindergarten
      Participant

      My daughter was in college studying aviation. She met a boy he dropped out of school and she followed suit. She has not talked to me in almost a year. I will get text very infrequently. I have been on an emotional roller coaster since this has happened. I have so many different emotions since this happened emotions that I have never experienced. This is so hard I feel like a failure as a parent. In a million years I never thought this would happen to me. I keep asking the questions why, why why????

    • #86832
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Kindergarten, I’m sorry this has happened to you. You will find comfort and support here. The question of “why” is usually what we all ask ourselves. We may never know the answer and for that I am also sorry. This horrific decision was your daughter’s and not yours. Our children are grown and we cannot control their actions or poor decisions. I know your grief is consuming you and it’s probably a struggle to get through the day. I’ll bet you have a hard time sleeping and are easy to cry, you are probably sad, mad, embarrassed, emotional, hurt, and don’t want to be around people. You wonder how you will tell family and friends and will they automatically blame you. Then, you start to self blame and just turn into a big mess. This is not your fault. This was not your decision.

      I have a few suggestions that may help you get through the day. Order Sheri’s book, Done with the Crying, as it got me to at least start living again and not isolate. It can be ordered from Amazon or check it out at your local library. I also suggest to start journaling as writing your emotions allows you release the build up of stress you have been carrying. Post here often with your feelings or ask for advice. You are not alone as we travel this same journey. Trust me when I say everything you are feeling is normal and we have all been there.

      I didn’t really understand what my friends on this forum and Sheri meant when they told me to take care of me but I do now. The stress of feeling rejected and be estranged can take control of your health. Carrying this with you daily and the lack of sleep can cause you all kinds of physical damage. So, the first one you need to take care of is you. I went down this path for 4 years before I joined this forum, read Done with the Crying, and got some of my life back. This rejection aged me, took my confidence, made me not trust, and made me isolate. My happy go lucky personality has definitely changed and I’m sure yours has to. I look forward to your continued post on how you are doing.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #86909
      VeraSunsetVeraSunset
      Participant

      That’s my sad story. Once upon a time I had a small but lovely family: me, my husband and my son. We were always together, inseparable; we just couldn’t live without each other. Now I am 55; I have multiple sclerosis 14 last years. No job, no friends, I’m like broken dolly – good for nothing. 2 years ago my son married pretty Chinese girl, smart, warm and kind. At first all seemed perfect. They came to visit us time to time. We were having dinner together, watching movies, laughing, talking. My daughter-in-low used to say “We are family now.” What scared me a bit, that they never invited us to visit them (we live in the same city). Then they came to us less and less. Our son stopped calling us; he hardly returned my calls, once in a month, and with some kind of irritation. Son stopped responding to my greetings, then his wife. 2 months ago we saw him last time, and he announces us that they are planning to move to China to live with my daughter-in-law’s parents. I was shocked. I said him, maybe it’ll be much better if they work here and send financial support to her parents. He said they don’t need money, they need their emotional support. And not a word about me, all that was so devastating for me. They want to leave en Christmas. If so I won’t ever see him, hear from him again. My husband is so angry with me. He insists that I stop calling our son, stop annoying him, stop humiliate myself. He accuses me of having spoiled our son very much when he was a kid. My mom tells me that we can’t beg for love, and that’s exactly what I’m doing – begging. If I let him go, sooner or later he will understand his cruel mistake and he’ll come back. Maybe she’s right, but I’m so desperate with the idea of his understanding “later”. Maybe my life will come to an end “sooner”. No need to come back to see me lying in bed like a vegetable. I need him now, when I am quite active, I can move, I can even cook something simple. And I am not asking for much, just to call me once in 2 weeks, it’ll be ok. Now I don’t know what to do… not calling him… or calling him… I feel myself ruined.
      VeraSunset.

      • #87096
        Avatarpeachy19
        Participant

        Dear verasunset ,I too feel sorry for your situation, this situation is hard enough but being ignored when you are ill only makes it more painful. Some times I think of moving away would he notice? He lives 15 minutes away and we never see each other and he declines any texts or calls. so emotional distance is just as bad as him being right around the block or being in another country, please take time to take care of yourself

    • #86914
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Welcome to Kindergarten,

      I want to add my hello, after sadlostbroken gave you such a good response.

      It is true that the questions of “why” and “how could this possibly have happened” that you are asking yourself, repeatedly surface, and they have plagued me, many nights and days.

      There are no perfect answers. You might find one that helps you to partially explain it, which I hope you do, but either way, we cannot change what the adult children we loved, do later.

      It has a disturbing effect on us, yet we need to try to process and accept it (EXTREMELY difficult!)
      and to try to find some other joys in our own lives.
      You deserve that, and I hope this site helps you to find some steps toward it.
      You sound like someone who did your best to do everything you knew how, for your daughter.

      There are many great people here, who I am sure have wondered, as I have too, why we failed so badly.
      Relearning that this is not our failure. That is very difficult, but worth working to try to do.

      The book and the site, and sharing with us, will likely help you. We are very sorry you are going through this unexpected, terrible experience.

      Needothers

    • #86975
      AvatarHayleyD
      Participant

      VeraSunset, I’m terribly sorry you’re going through all this.

      With your son planning to move to China, where I assume you live in a first world country, I think he’s in for a HUGE cultural shock and could very easily decide he’s not willing to live under a Communist regime. Once he gets his eyes opened, he might have a change of heart towards his family.

    • #86993
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      VeraSunset,
      I am so sorry you are in a very difficult situation. I do not think anything you do, calling or not calling, will change your son’s mind or their decision to move so far away, and to pay less attention to you and to your needs and your love for him.

      It is devastating, to have them emotionally distance themselves from you, AND also, for them to move so far away.

      And I understand how your illness effects you in addition, and how scary it is, I have a similar one, myself.

      I do not believe that what your son and wife have done and decided to do, has anything at all to do with what you did and did not do, in his childhood. He is an adult now, and making these decisions, and I am sorry he does not comprehend your position.

      So sorry for your heartache.

      Needothers

    • #87229
      AvatarCabingirl61
      Participant

      Hello, I’m new and I hope I’m doing this correctly. I am new to this site but unfortunately not new to estrangement. My husband and I have 4 children and this is our second son. He’s almost 34 and he was the greatest kid ever until his sr year of college. He met a woman 8 years older who had been married multtimes, in and out of mental hospitals, jail, and tried to kill herself on numerous occasions. Their courtship was a disaster, with multiple fights, her punching holes in our wall of our weekend condo, him running to us crying, us commiserating with him only to have him run back and tell her what we said, etc. They finally married and we were in invited to the wedding but by that point it was a relief as none of us wanted to. It was like why would we want to pretend to be happy about watching your child’s train wreck? Anyway…. the night before the wedding she put on Facebook “Haha.. I won!” Like it was a crazy game. But before the wedding our son had cried to us and told us she was crazy and he wanted out, so we agreed, only to have him run back to her and hate on us. It’s like he turned into Jekyll and Hyde. Anyway they got pregnant immediately and we tried to get back in their lives again but it was unbearable. She would try to turn various family members against each other. Always trying to stir up trouble. She even told everyone my husband of 38 years was cheating on me! That really was the final straw and we told our son he and the grands were always welcome but she wasn’t welcome. At first he blew up and said it wasn’t fair since we allow our other daughter in law to come, but our other dill is kind and doesn’t act that way! When we would try to reason with him he acted like he had no memory of what all she’d done! And it gets even worse…. he even came home once in tears and begged us for money so he could divorce her and I calmly asked him why and he responded because she’s crazy and he’s fearful for the baby! So of course we gave him $$$ which he took, went back to her, and then they both raged at us. And when I remind him of this he acts like I made it up! Anyway…. now they have THREE children and we’ve not seen them in over a year. Now he says if she can’t come none of them will. And this is going to sound terrible but my husband and I are relieved. We don’t want to get close to those kids because our daughter in law is very manipulative and I don’t want her to use them against us. We have four other grandchildren who we adore and it would kill me to lose one so for our own protection this is how it is. Anyway there is so much more I could type but this is the gist of it. Oh… he HAS come a couple of times with just the kids and it was wonderful and he even told us how great it was and how
      Much better without her but the second he goes home he turns hateful again.

    • #87242
      AvatarStoicia
      Participant

      Hi I am a mother and grandmother struggling to have something else occupy my mind apart from my daughter and my grandchildren that occupy my thoughts everyday and night. They live 10 minutes away but I haven’t had a normal conversation with my daughter for over 5 years. Any contact I have with her is about access to my grandchildren and it’s usually fraught with unreasonable instructions on how to look after them if I am fortunate to be able to see them. After the visit I will get numerous text messages abusing me. The accusations are ridiculous and absolutely made with the sole intention of showing that she is more capable than I am as if it’s a contest. Things like “they came home and had a mosquito bite”. “You spoil them and then they can’t transition smoothly back home (after a 2 hour visit when we bake cookies)”. The list goes on and on. She forces them to drink from baby bottles and they are 8 and 9. She won’t let them leave the house and rarely takes them to school (school is constantly having meeting so with her to no avail). She has no friends and will not interact with family. For the 100th time I have received texts where she’s states she is “done with me” because I did something fun with them like taking them to a neighbours house to play with other kids or let me them play too long in the pool on a hot day. Too many examples I won’t bore you with. I’ve had more than 2 years of counselling, I’ve read every book on BPD and listened to audio book son how to use appropriate language with people with BPD but she has not been diagnosed so I can’t say for certain this is her problem. I had so much to do with the grandkids when they were younger and I miss them so much.

      My main issue is moving forward. I no longer want the abuse and in the past like so many other parents I’ve read about here, I put up with it so I could see my grandkids. However, the emotional abuse has taken its toll and affected my other relationships because of being depressed. I also try and avoid situations where I see other happy parents and grandparents. I hate shopping especially on Saturdays when there are lots of mothers and daughters in the mall. I dread Mother’s Day even though I have a son who is kind and loving and it takes away from that.

      I worry constantly mainly about what she has done and is doing to the grandkids. I want to stop because it is beyond my control. In the past I put up with the abuse to provide them with some retrieve from her and to let them have fun but it is affecting me and my partner too much and therefore I have to learn to accept it. I am currently working through the book.

      There was a post about what if a parent did something wrong and I related to that. I wasn’t a perfect parent and made so many mistakes but it was over a short time when I was going through difficult times and I have more than made up for it and apologised enough. When her behaviour first started I spent 1000’s of hours reviewing everything I did that may have contributed however logically I know this is not the cause of her behaviour. She was born like this and every stressor contributed, but everyone has stressors in their lives over the time that they are raising their kids and they don’t turn out like this. And my son didn’t.

      I really just want 2 things – to know how to stop letting it occupy my every thought and to move on. I also want comfort in knowing I’m not alone and this forum has already helped with that so thank you.

    • #87250
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Cabingirl61,
      Welcome to the site.
      And I don’t think your story sounds unreasonable to any of us.

      It does not sound terrible to us, that you are having some relief, now that you set some boundaries.

      That sounds like a sensible and good decision to me. And relief sounds like a good reaction of yours and your husband’s.

      They have proven their behaviors enough times, that you don’t need to let them have free reign to run any more train wrecks through your home, than you choose.

      I am sorry for what you have been through, and the terrible decisions your son made, the effects it has, and the ways his wife is.

      All you can do now, is control your own actions and decisions, and definitely set some very clear and strong rules, around your own home and marriage.

      There is so much understanding and comprehension at this site, from very good people, many of us found it surprising at first.

      Welcome.
      Needothers

    • #87273
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Welcome to Stoicia,

      I am sorry for your very difficult situation, with your adult daughter and her children.
      It surely is difficult to try to find ways for us to cope, ourselves, with all of these worrisome types of difficulties, and what our emotions and our thoughts do with it all.

      You are not alone, there are many very understanding people here. We have all made mistakes and do not claim to have been perfect parents, either. You are honest and you have tried to do, and you DID DO,
      MANY good things, for your children and your gc’s.

      Like you said, NOT all of the adult children ‘s problems are caused by ourselves being human and imperfect. No one has a perfect parent or perfect childhood.
      We did our best at the times, when we were under enormous difficulties ourselves.

      We know it is very difficult to do what you said, your primary goal, of learning to have the thoughts about the daughter and her children NOT consume you.
      I think it is good that you have clear goals in mind.
      I think you will find some good ideas though, in the site and in the book. Many of us are working at that.

      You are not alone. So you were correct, you are already making strides at that goal.

      Welcome!
      Needothers

    • #87316
      AvatarAutumn
      Participant

      Hi,
      I’m a mom of 3 adult children and a grandmother of 1. My two oldest, who are two years apart decided that they will have their “own family.” My son, who is the middle child is the one who has my granddaughter, he holds her over our heads; unless we behave the way he wants, by giving him stuff, we don’t get to see her. He has his older sister to side with him. My oldest daughter and I were close, until my son started bad mouthing me to him. She feels sorry for him, being a single dad and plus her husband is best friends with my son. My youngest adult daughter still talks to me and her dad, but she moved away and don’t see her much now. I am absolutely confused and racked my brain for the past 2 years trying to figure out if I said or did something to my son to have him turn on us. He moved two hours away from us 5 1/2 yrs ago when he and his fiancee at the time moved closer to her parents. He used to bring our granddaughter to see us and we used to go visit them, everything seemed fine. Then he and his fiancee broke up and she didn’t want us over so much. She seems to want her parents to be the only grandparents in our granddaughter’s life. We no get to see our granddaughter on some holidays and her birthday is coming up, hoping to get an invitation. It is so hard, because when she sees us, she runs up to me and hangs on and tells me how much she misses me. It’s not like I can say, “Well, talk to your dad about that.” I am afraid to say anything to get him upset. This past father’s day, he went to his older sister’s house the day before and we went there so my husband could see all the kids. We asked my son what was he doing the next day, because we would drive up to see him and spend the day, he told us that he was invited to my granddaughter’s other grandfather’s house (his once to be father-in-law). My husband was very hurt that he would spend it there and not with his own father. For Mother’s day I didn’t even get to see him, he was too busy to drive down. Didn’t even send me a card.
      I’m so confused and I’ve asked what started this and he tells me he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. My youngest daughter wants to tell him off and I’m like, nope…don’t do it, he’ll think it’s me telling you to do it.
      The best in my life was raising my three kids, I worked from home on purpose so I could raise them. I was involved in any event they wanted me to be in, I made sure I wasn’t pushy, because my mom was pushy. I was there for all their ups and downs, they always felt free to talk to me about anything, which I appreciated. We were a joking family, loved to play board games and yard games. I thought I had the perfect family and somehow that is taken away from me and I keep myself up at nights trying to figure out why. I get so depressed, 3 years ago I had a heart attack and then the next year another attack. My doctor tells me to stay away from stress, but these are my kids and I love them no matter what, I miss my family. I don’t know what to do anymore…how do you move on? Thanks for reading, sorry so long….I even cut it short…ha

      • #87370
        WriterMomWriterMom
        Participant

        First, Autumn, welcome. I wish none of us had to be here, but I glad you have found this supportive group.

        There is no one way to move on, as you will see when you start reading all the threads about coping with our new normal. I hope you can find something outside of your experience as a mother to focus on, whatever those things are that make *you* most happy and calm. For the sake of your stress levels and your heart, try anything from meditation to exercise, or any enjoyable new activities or interests. Much of your life has been spent being a wonderful, caring, playful, eager to listen mother. Your ECs have changed that experience for you, but only as it relates to them. You can still be the woman who is a wonderful, caring, playful, and eager to listen, but now you are turning your skills to yourself. EC cannot take that from you.

        Be good to yourself. I know you love your family and miss them. That won’t end. But maybe you also love and miss yourself, and right now you are the person who matters most.

      • #87605
        AvatarAutumn
        Participant

        Thank you for your kind words. I’ve spent so many years just identifying myself as a mom and grandmother, that I think I lost myself. I absolutely loved raising my kids, they were fun to be around and gave me a reason to wake up everyday. Which is weird to say, because I’ve always been independent, strictly a business woman, loved being that way…then when I had kids, I completely changed…which wasn’t bad…but after 30+ years…it’s like OK how do I get back to my old ways before kids. That they don’t have to be the reason why I get up each morning.

        I’ve been trying to find things to do, also at the same time trying to find myself again. I’d love to go out with friends and do different things with. Unfortunately, the state I moved to is a transitional state, the friends I made here all moved back to their original home state. I don’t know where to meet new people. I drag my poor husband around with me, told him he had to do Tai Chi with me. We did it for 10 weeks and our bodies felt it. Even though it was hard, it still got me out of the house and thinking about something else.

        For 7 years I ran a support group for people with panic attacks and taught them relaxation, meditation, etc. That was 20 years ago. I can’t even get myself to do it. I try and try, but my mind keeps going back to my kids.

        I just started therapy recently, hoping I can get help in just learning about myself and changing my thought patterns.

        I’ve read other posts here and my heart goes out to everyone. It is nice to know that I’m not alone in all this. I’m grateful for this group and support.

    • #87419
      AvatarTrees123
      Participant

      I am 2 years after my divorce and have suffered alienation from both of my children who are 26 and 33 years old. My ex left me to pursue other women online. He undermined me and assassinated my character to my children all through the separation and divorce. He is still doing it today. He played the “victim” to them and accused me of verbal abuse and having a personality disorder. I am sure he did this to justify his abrupt departure from our 44 year marriage. My children won’t speak to me nor will they go to counseling with me to try and work on our relationships. I’m broken-hearted and trying to put myself back together again and move forward. I have been seeing a therapist for almost 2 years now. She has helped me put things into perspective and given me tools to go forward but I still need to continue walking through this deep dark forest. I miss my kids. I know they are adults making adult decisions, but I still miss what we had. I was a good mother. I did all the right things just like all of you did to provide a loving, nurturing stable home. Was I perfect? No. Was my marriage perfect? No. After 44 years what marriage hasn’t had their share of ups and downs? I would honestly say none. She’s book, Done With the Crying, has helped me also. I’m taking baby steps to try and move forward. I still feel so isolated and in such emotional pain. How do you get through these moments of hell?

    • #87500
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Trees, We know your suffering and we know it well. One suggestion is to revisit Done With The Crying and do the exercises. Try journaling your thoughts as it helps release the built up emotions. I know your broken heart needs healing and it starts with baby steps. I spent an hour each morning journaling my feelings and I made list. I know it seems simple and your thinking it’s not going to work but I really does. Please go back to the book and re-read and take your time doing the exercises. Put a great deal of thought in your answers. Get a notebook and really write them out, don’t just use the space in the book.

      Make a list of all the things you did right by your children, taking them to ball practice, dance, teaching them to read, making lunches, tucking them in at night. These kinds of list are really important to your healing journey. Take baby steps to move forward by taking care of you. Posting here is always a good thing to do and read others post. You will find other Moms that you connect with. You will find your path and you will find what works for you.

      I’m sorry you are going through this nightmare and know that you have friends here, you have support.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #87610
      AvatarHayleyD
      Participant

      Stocia, Welcome to the forum, and I’m sorry you’re in a position of needing to join a group like this, but there are a lot of very kind mothers who understand what you’re going through.

      It does sound like your daughter has BPD traits, and as such, it’s hard to know what will set such a person off. I speak from experience as my sister has those traits, and dealing with her is beyond a challenge. I haven’t seen in her decades because it always blew up in my face, but back when I did, things would be going along fine and all of a sudden she was either in tears or screaming about something someone did that upset her. I spent over 35 years trying to help her fix various things in her life all to no avail. Anything I say is met with anger. We’re pretty much permanently estranged, and much as she was my best friend for years, it’s actually a relief to not have to walk on eggshells around her. It took me decades to learn about BPD, and while she doesn’t have every characteristic of the disorder, she does have the very rigid black and white thinking where a person is either the most wonderful person who has ever lived or the devil himself.

    • #87611
      AvatarHayleyD
      Participant

      Trees123, I’m very sorry you’re going through this and glad you found Sheri’s bookand this forum as you’ll find it very helpful.

      I’m also a victim of parental alienation, but my son was in grade school when his dad started teaching him to disrespect me. Today my son and I have a strained relationship–it’s not horrible, but it’s basically at his whim which is why I’m here.

      The one thing I do want to suggest to you is that you research parental alienation as I think there’s a chance your kids are going to start to see their dad for who he is as time goes on which will then make them realize that you aren’t the bad guy he made you out to be. It could take several years, but kids aren’t stupid, and people reveal themselves to be who they are over time. Check out a guy named Ryan Thomas on youtube as he’s a child victim of parental alienation who reunited with his father when he got older and came to realize that what his mother and her family had told him growing up wasn’t true.

    • #87723
      Avatarcanuk1
      Participant

      I am new to this and needless to say am heartbroken and in shock that both my adult children have decided never to have anything to do with me again. I am divorced and have been remarried for 24 years. It was my birthday, when my son blew up at me, telling me all the horrible things he did not like about me. He stormed out of the cottage with his wife at 1:00 AM. He immediately called his sister and told her not to come to the cottage. She never showed up nor emailed etc., that she was not coming. My daughter in law posted on face book….”to all our family and friends please un friend myself and my husband, as we do not want them in our life.” I have been a good mother while their father was absent from their lives while they were growing up. Now he has come back into the picture and has money to spend on them. I have read Sheri’s book, which has helped, but it has only been four weeks now,and all I do is cry, have sleepless night, and am unable to come to terms with the fact I will never see my adult children again.

    • #87739
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Dear canuk,

      It’s possible this will be fixable. Please don’t get too far ahead in your thinking and make your future bleak in your mind. Try to stick to the present, and do all the self-care strategies in the book. At four weeks, it’s too soon to expect to be over it, so please… accept a hug. Feel free to stay here where people understand and can be supportive. Share your grief, and feel safe here.

      Hugs,
      Sheri McGregor

      • #88018
        Avatarcanuk1
        Participant

        rparents(Sheri): Thank you for the hugs. I have read your book twice and have done all the exercises, which helps. I am trying to live in the present but still the shock continues. Your examples in the book also help. To all those in this group, your stories, although painful, are inspirational, and give me hope that I will be able to survive this.

    • #87796
      AvatarCasiDoll
      Participant

      Hi all. I’m new to the group and feel rather alone. I have my hubby and he’s great but I suppose I need other people who get the struggle we’re going through.

      I had two children prior to my marriage with my now husband. I was 19 and 22 when I got pregnant with both my girls. The oldest daughter is the one I’m estranged from. She’s now over 18 – and has had two children that have been adopted and I’ve never met. Plus, I hear she’s pregnant again and with another (sorry if I use colorful terminology. If it’s not okay, please let me know. Again, I’m new) flavor of the week. She’s BPD, delusional disorder (persecutory type) – etc. She was abused by my ex husband and was exceptionally abusive to my youngest child. My youngest passed away before she turned 17 due to a family genetic issue which broke my heart.

      My eldest, I’ll call her BB to save from continuing to say “my eldest” had been homeless after losing an apartment she demolished with unsavory, unhealthy, and just overall gross living conditions as cleaning was never her strong suit. She blames everyone for everything – always. So, it’s just a continuing saga of not learning anything from her mistakes. The loss of the apartment was someone else’s fault. Her being homeless was my fault. The negativity she feels is everyone else’s fault. It’s exhausting! I’m sure reading my diatribe is exhausting!

      The day she blamed me for her being homeless, I lost my grip – completely. By this point I had dealt with her negativity and blame. I had dealt with a number of other unsavory situations with her. So by that point I just said, NO! I reminded her of that as a parent, I did my time. You’re a grown up now. It sucks, but you wanted so badly to be an adult and now you’re here and having a tough time . Work your way through that hard time. We did the best we could to give you a leg up in this life and you fought us tooth and nail because you didn’t like how things went. We honestly tried. She of course, as per usual hung up before I could finish my train of thought.

      At that point, she had been living across the country from my husband and I for about a year, after she had her first child and before her second. I stopped accepting her phone calls and eventually blocked every phone number that came out of that area code. I deleted all of her emails to me without even reading them. And for a long time, I felt guilty. Then it happened. I was on facebook when a mutual friend of hers and mine messaged me. She told me to go on BB’s facebook and to view her facebook live video. I NEVER watch her facebook live videos, btw. BB is truly drama incarnate. In this case, I do though. About minute 2, she’s talking to a random male person that you cannot see. The video is directed at her and her alone. So all you hear is this male person talking in the background. He says she would look good with her hair being blue. She says, her sister died her hair blue and it looked really good. But she’s dead now. Yea, my parents did that.

      When I watched that, saw her lips moving and heard the words come out of her mouth – I think my heart almost broke in two. I could not believe what I was hearing. She said it just so matter of fact. There was no contempt, no anger… just like you were telling a customer what the special of the day was at your local diner. I was beyond hurt and disgusted. So I completely cut ties and still cannot fathom trusting her again.

      My oldest brother tried keeping in touch with her to keep her in the family. He tried and eventually severed ties with her as well. It seemed she only viewed him as a check book. However, before he cut her off he text me one night telling me she was coming back to my neck of the woods from where she was living. Living with her across the country was so easy because I could distance myself so easily from her. Especially since I termed my facebook profile before the 2018 ended. I’ve been happier since I had! I figured since she had over 50 facebook profiles just so she could search me out, or have her friends message me to tell me things from her… facebook was not a medium I could count on anymore. Now she was going to be within a half hour from me. I honestly started panicking.

      I felt like, if she found me again, I’d feel so compelled to help her. Despite being angry with BB – it’s the conflict of love and anger. It’s my child. How could I just see her hurting and not do anything? In my heart of hearts, I know that my enabling her wouldn’t solve anything. It would just continue to have the dependence on me or anyone else that chooses to offer her a way out without investigating what they’re getting into first. Don’t choose a stock before you look up the company profile! You’ll lose everything you put in! I didn’t make up the rules! So I dug my heels in. I still panicked, but as soon as I went to work, I told my boss a little about what was happening and she informed me she’d tell BB I didn’t work there if she showed up. I put all these plans in place. And it really did work. Until she saw my vehicle outside of my friends duplex near where she got off the city bus.

      I had a confrontation with her at that point. I swore way too much and I apologized for it but I said I was just doing it to reflect just how angry I was. With her, with her actions, and all of it. I told her under no uncertain terms that I love her and I was worried about her the whole time she was gone – especially being homeless. I stood my ground and said that I cannot have her living in my home. It didn’t work before and it wouldn’t be healthy for any of us now. That she’s an adult. I told her I’d love to have a relationship again with her and the terms that she’d have to meet in order to get there again. I have not seen her since. And I think it was probably about May of this year when I saw her.

      I’ve learned a lot since my daughter passed away and since BB and I stepped away from one another that last time. I finally stood up to her and said what I needed to say. For the first time I wasn’t trying to serve BB’s needs, I was honoring my physical and emotional health. I was saying No More! And it was exhilarating, liberating… freeing.

      I have major depression, anxiety, and ptsd. Things have not been easy in my life – not just because of what I’ve discussed her but much much more. I am learning to find myself and who I deserve to be now and I hope to all that is good in this world that the rest of you are as well. I’m grateful to have found this group and I hope that we can get to know each other a little. I will try to communicate when time permits.

      Thank you for reading!

    • #87818
      Yellow RoseYellow Rose
      Participant

      Welcome, CasiDoll, I am sorry you have suffered so much heartbreak and loss. It sounds very distressing and hard to cope wiht. This forum is a good place to find healing and learning to move forward. Sheri’s book, Done with the Crying, is super helpful. Feel free to write a new thread for the main page or respond to other people’s posts.

    • #87861
      AvatarZelda1947
      Participant

      Hello
      I am new to this site, though I have read Sheri’s book which I found so helpful when all this first happened and I was devastated. I am estranged from my only son and have been for 18 months now. He lives a long way from me and is married to a very difficult woman who he himself has called a ‘psycho’ in the past. She is very negative and envious and I have walked on eggshells for years while she treated me with disrespect. They have two beautiful children who I have built a loving bond with, in fact my son called me a wonderful gran a couple of years ago.
      I have been divorced from his father for many years and he recently died. During his father’s life he went some way to try and alienate my son from me but I felt as my son became an adult he and I had a good understanding of each other, in fact he wrote me a letter saying as much.
      It was only after he had married and had children that things started being harder. My D.I.L continually found fault with me but never said anything to me but complained to my son who had to ‘tell me off’. So the walking on eggshells began…I was too noisy playing with the children, I sang them too many songs, bought them too many presents, cooked them the wrong food etc etc.
      Even so, I kept on travelling the miles to see them ( I so wanted to be part of their lives even though it was very stressful with her attitude and also was costing a lot) If there was a problem and my son asked me to come and help out I would always drop everything and go. Sometimes I had to pay for a hotel as she wasn’t comfortable having me stay. Through this time I met my partner who is wonderful and has been a loving and great support. He did not like the way I was being treated but put up with it for the sake of the children with whom he has made a good relationship.
      We have paid for things they needed in their house and also paid for holidays. They have rarely been to visit us, even though my grandchildren have loved it when they did.
      Things came to a head when my son started pressurising me to help him construct an annexe to his house which could be somewhere I could come and stay for longer periods of time. He wanted me to pay for it all and then, when I wasn’t there, he and his wife would rent it out and would keep the money.I said I could give him a third of the money but I did not think I could afford it all. ( I am retired now) Over a period of a year (during which my D.I.L gave up her full time job) he kept pressuring me saying I owed it to him because of his past, being a child of divorce etc. When eventually I said it was just not possible all hell erupted. I cannot believe the terrible, hurtful, appalling things he had said to me about being a dreadful, uncaring, thoughtless, selfish person and what a dreadful mother I was. Over this 18 months there have been three or four of these dreadful outbursts. They have been so dreadfully hurtful, truly like a dagger in my heart. At times it has been difficult to function. I have been allowed to go and see my grandchildren occasionally but it has been very difficult and my D.I.L ignores me and my son is so cold or taking the opportunity for yet another character assassination which I just find soul destroying. I know I did not always get things right in his childhood andI have apologised to him often if there were things he was upset by but nothing makes any difference. He always knew I loved him very much and all this about his childhood has only surfaced when I did not come up with the money.I am desperate to keep contact with my grandchildren but my sons attitude to me now is like a perpetual wound. But I keep on asking to see the children in the hope I will be allowed to occasionally. I am so upset about how these beautiful innocent children are in the middle of this and what they have been told.
      I am trying to live my life, my partner and my friends have been wonderful supports, but it is so hard at times not to let it colour you life and-also to fight the self doubt all this brings.

    • #87928
      Avataremily38
      Participant

      Good morning Zelda1947 and welcome to this group. In addition to Sheri’s book, there is a wealth of information and help in the columns Sheri posts on the website’s home page. And, yes, you will learn as you read the generous, non-judgmental contributions of those who post here. Hopefully, you will find yourself able to join in.

      Your story is one told over and over again here. That isn’t meant to diminish it but to let you know it sadly happens far too often. Whether the DIL/SIL or an issue of money or loss of contact with grandchildren or the emotional fall-out from divorce, whether demands made by entitled ‘children,’ you will find yourself here over and over again. As part of binding the terrible wounds of E, the changes, the growth and the perspectives must and will change in you. Not in the ‘child’ who has done such damage.

      There’s much to learn here and helping hands, and hearts, offer what they’ve lived with and through. No easy fixes, as there never are for hurts this horrible, but time, baby steps, patience and self-forgiveness will lead to a healing. It may take years ( and probably will), but it can happen to and for you. That’s what this journey is about!

      Welcome, with sadness that you are here,
      emily38

    • #87953
      delilahdelilah
      Participant

      Hello Zelda 1947 and I’m glad you’re here.
      It’s the start of true healing, although a tough
      Road, you can do it.
      I understand in that it is 18 months for me,
      And separation from four adored grandchildren.
      I have also experienced one of my two estranged
      Adult children, turning on me in the manner
      You describe. It has nearly finished me off
      Psychologically at times to be turned on by
      This. I’m sure you have a lot of shock,
      Horror and disbelief running through you.
      Do feel you can post and respond here.
      There are times it is a real lifeline

    • #88014
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Hello Zelda and welcome. You have friends here and much support. I’m sorry you are being treated so badly. We understand what you are going through. Many times parents have given every dime they had only to receive this treatment again once all the money is gone. Your son sounds like he is just manipulating you to build rental space so he can have additional income off of your money. Don’t blame yourself for this, it is not your fault. There is no need to spend money you don’t have just to satisfy your son. He is most likely to act the same way if you depleted your funds. You did the best you could do raising him and you do not owe him anything. You have nothing to apologize for. I would like to suggest reading Sheri’s book “Done with the Crying “. This book will offer you skill of coping and managing. Please come back often and post anytime you need a shoulder to lean on. We are in the same boat as you, you are not alone.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #88016
      AvatarCasiDoll
      Participant

      Hi Zelda! I’m so sorry to hear about your situation with your son and daughter in law. This is truly unfortunate. Especially in the case of your grandchildren. I wish I could give you a hug, because you definitely deserve that and then some.
      I don’t think that you deserved to have any of that said to you, and I don’t think you owe your child for being from a divorced family… etc. The things my parents would have owed me? Lol. Honestly though, none of this is easy. If it were, none of us would be here. Just remember this isn’t your fault. Even if money were no object, things would come to a head again over something. There is no blame you should assign yourself as all you did is love. Hopefully some day things will normalize. Your daughter in law might get past whatever issues she has with you and can realize what beauty and wonder you contributed. It sure as heck is hard to wait though.
      Either way, hold tight. Hold strong.

    • #88178
      AvatarHoneybee74
      Participant

      Hi..I’m a mother of one 40 year old daughter. She lives in UK with her husband and two children, while I’m in Sydney. When staying with them a year ago, I witnessed the husband hitting the 5 year old boy across the back of the head. I was told to mind my own business. I talked to my daughter about this and she called me a liar and a hypocrite. I wasn’t a perfect mother. Given her denial of the head hitting, I talked to my grandson before leaving the UK, I told him to tell his mother if it kept happening, and if it didn’t stop, to tell his teacher. I was a teacher in Australia, where Child Protection is taught in primary schools. I taught it for 20 years as part of the curriculum. I wrote my daughter when I returned, telling her that head hitting is dangerous, I had seen it three times, and her son had claimed he’d been hit by his father three years earlier. She didn’t believe him. When the boy discussed with his mother that I’d told him to tell his teacher, she accused me of coaching her son to spread lies about his father. No matter what I said, my words fell on deaf ears. I said the son is stressed, you can see this in his photos. My daughter says her family is happy. Her husband has said he only hit the boy once, I am lying about the other times because I don’t like him. Plus I have coached the son to spread lies about the father. They want me to apologise to them (husband and wife) and admit I taught the boy to tell lies. I have refused to do this. Without an apology on my part, there will be no further contact. I have gone over every year for a month at least to look after the children. But no more. My daughter has written me many letters telling me what a low sod I am and that I have a poisonous mind as her family is perfect. The little boy has had trouble at school controlling his emotions, although has shown some improvement this year. He wets the bed, randomly vomits and has emotional meltdowns. He is looking happier in recent photos. I worry about his well being. I’ve considered writing to his school about my concerns. Anything I say to my daughter has been taken as an insult and a lie. There is nothing wrong with her family, only me. Initially, I had only wanted to tell her so that she could stop the head hitting from happening. The past year has been very painful for me but I think I am beginning to recover. I realise I suffer from anxiety as this still haunts my sleep.

      • #88194
        Avataremily38
        Participant

        Welcome here Honeybee74,
        Your story is so sad and frightening too.
        Of course you’re anxious; you know too much about too many aspects of what you’ve seen. And to be on the other side of the world adds another dimension both punishing and helpful.

        You will find as you read and read here that the loss of grandchildren can often exceed the pain any adult child delivers. The grandchildren are often the undefended and innocent victims, whether physically or emotionally, of this scourge called estrangement.

        The feeling of powerlessness and inability to care for a defenseless child is devastating. But all of this must turn to become about you, your health, your emotional safety. So very, very hard.

        I hope you have resources where you live, medical and counseling kinds, to support you. They might help you come to a decision about informing your grandson’s school about what you know.
        Personally, Just reading about that idea brought up warning signals in me, for you. Taking that step, in light of everything you wrote, could ultimately hurt the boy even more. It’s a lose-lose situation and tragic.

        If you haven’t read Sheri’s book, I urge you to find it. The essays on the home page of this website are invaluable. And of course the sharing in the a Forum is beyond supportive and so revealing.

        These are my thoughts alone. I hope you’ll stay here, read and write and find the answers that will be yours alone. Welcome to a group we never thought we’d join.

        emily38

    • #88179
      AvatarHoneybee74
      Participant

       

      I just put up a post but it didn’t come up. Just seeing if this appears.

      • #88207
        AvatarHoneybee74
        Participant

        Emily38. Many thanks for your thoughtful response, and concern.. app. I appreciate your points and advice. Yes, it’s time for me to heal. I do have the book and will make a more consistent effort to read it. Kind regards. Sorry…trying to edit and it’s not fittingting well on device. Hope It’s readable.

    • #88187
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Welcome, HoneyBee74,

      Posts are moderated. They don’t immediately appear, but require approval. This keeps the forum safer from sploggers and haters.

    • #88234
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Honeybee74,

      Welcome,
      and I am so sorry for what you have been through, and all of your worries and concerns.
      It is very difficult to deal with.

      None of us were perfect parents, or at least I know I wasn’t. But I did love and did give to the very best of my ability, and in the challenging situations I was in.

      You were doing the best you could, also, for your adult daughter and grandson. I am sorry how it has turned out, for the moment, and that you have some awful effects from it, too.

      Again, welcome.

      Needothers

      • #88268
        AvatarHoneybee74
        Participant

        Thanks, needothers. Unfortunately in the end I spat the dummy and said her husband was a liar and only interested in protecting himself. People advised me not to do that…turn the other cheek so to speak. But I’m glad I did as has stopped the abuse. How truthful should you be!

    • #88238
      AvatarRenewed
      Participant

      Hi everyone! It’s been seven years since my youngest daughter ‘dumped’ me. My three sons are distant and indifferent for the most part, but I still feel I can call them. (They all live in different cities/towns than I do.) The hardest part is that my daughter is the only one who has given me a grandchild, who I never see anymore. The pain is too much sometimes. That being said, it’s time for me to start healing, fold those cards, and let it go. But as you all probably know that’s easier said than done. Any advice to help me start living my life again would be welcome. I would especially appreciate any advice from other Christians.

    • #88331
      Believer42Believer42
      Participant

      Hello Everyone! I am a recently divorced mom. After 35 years of marriage – I called it quits. I spent two years praying, stressing and loosing my hair, until I made the decision to leave. (No abuse or anything – just all those little things added up… anyway) In all the possible scenarios I envisioned what being divorced would look like; I never in a million years thought my (biological) son would not speak to me. His father is also his best friend. My ex is now also living with our son after the sale of our home. My oldest son (my stepson) and his family – including my four grandkids are very supportive – my (step) son asked me “Why did it take you so long?” I see them many times a week. But my youngest won’t talk with me except for maybe answering a few texts – if he needs something. He says that I “broke” his dad and that he has to pick up the pieces. He told me that he just needed some time to process everything… It has been a year… In that year I only saw him on Christmas and my birthday. Before the divorce – we spoke and texted almost everyday. He is recently engaged (to a lovely woman) and it is killing me not to be part of his life. I got Sheri’s book “Done with the crying” and am making my way through it. It has been VERY helpful, but I still have some really bad days…

    • #88377
      AvatarMrslost
      Participant

      Hi, couple of years ago we thought we were dealing with a moody stubborn, headstrong teenager as all parents do. 1 year ago we received a text off a stranger saying things about our daughter we had no idea about. So, as loving, concerned parents we confronted her which led to her becoming very aggressive and running out of the house. She went straight to the police and made the most shocking accusations about us (especially her Dad) Heartbreak, disbelief and shock are words that do not even come close to the how 2018 to the present day have evolved. Over the past year we have built up a very close relationship with police, social workers, drug and alcohol and family crisis workers. They feel for us as parents and describe us as a lovely family and that our daughter has chosen this life outside the home with no reason.
      I’ve received countless vile messages, social media posts, suffered terrible daily anxiety attacks and recovered a breakdown. During this year I also had a cancer health scare and had to undergo an operation and ongoing observation. We had to sign a letter of estrangement to enable her to be housed outside the home. This was due to the aggression and fear of however become.
      This has been the worst year of our lives.
      A few weeks ago remorse is coming through but the messages have become excessive (non violent) and always request some monetary request. We can not trust her as she’s told so many lies we can never believe anything.
      I can not put into words what lengths she has gone to try and destroy us.
      It’s a terribly sad situation and I can’t believe this is who I gave birth to.

    • #88380
      AvatarHayleyD
      Participant

      Renewed, I’m sorry that you’re going through this with the rest of us, but glad you’re here as knowing you’re not alone is very helpful.

      Speaking as a Christian, my advice to you is to pray that God will soften your child’s heart towards you. Have you ever heard the saying that goes something to the effect of ‘the same water that hardens the egg softens the potato’? Only God can soften someone’s heart and give you grace and favor in their site.

      That’s the only reason I believe I have somewhat of a relationship with my son. My ex started turning him against me when he was in grade school so when we split up when he was 9, he refused to live with me. He’ll be 40 later this summer and I’ve been trying to re-establish a relationship for over 30 years. I hear from him when it’s convenient for him. I know if he had his druthers he wouldn’t have a relationship with me as he’s told me so.

      For the life of me, I don’t know why God has allowed this to happen to me as I was a good mother and tried to raise my raise in the fear and admonition of the Lord, but my ex overruled me and allowed our son to do whatever he wanted so of course that was who my son wanted to be with. I was ‘the old biddie’ that he didn’t have to listen to. All I can say is that we don’t know why God works in our lives the way he does, and that He can bring great good out of great evil.

      I think you have to be emotionally ready to move on, and when you are, it’s like you are finally done with the crying, guilt and shame.

    • #88464
      Avatarpeachy19
      Participant

      I went to my therapist today and told her I found this great site where people share what they are going through and I felt this would be great I cant share this with my family or friends . so my therapist asked me why bother with this site if you never get any support or feedback she is right so i looked back over my posts I have shared my situation shared support to others and nothing thanks

    • #88474
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Peachy19,

      You posted something like this a week or more ago. I replied personally and explained that by using the”reply” button above an individual posting in a thread, that your reply goes directly there in the middle of the thread, and in long threads, it can be hard to locate or even spot. That’s what you had done in that recent post.

      After that, I looked up the email you registered with and emailed you directly, to which I never received a reply.

      I’m very sorry that you have felt left out and I am certain it was not purposeful on anyone’s part here.

      Just to clarify, in case there is some confusion, you started one topic thread here, to which you did receive several replies. It’s here: https://www.rejectedparents.net/forums/topic/i-am-trying-to-stay-positive-but/

      Also, in this thread, I replied to your posting: https://www.rejectedparents.net/forums/topic/done-with-the-crying-1st-exercise/

      There may be more. It’s tiring to go look through and find them for me. You can click on your profile name, and it will list your replies and topics so you can check them at anytime by clicking on the topic in which they appear.

      I hope you will consider trying again. This is a very active forum with many very supportive parents.

      Hugs,
      Sheri McGregor

    • #88520
      Avatarpeachy19
      Participant

      Thank-you so much sheri, I do feel so much better, alot foolish that i dont know what i am doing to miss the responces thanks again

    • #88540
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      HI, Peachy19,

      I am sorry you felt left out. It is a sad feeling that none of us need to add to add our troubles and rejections.
      Some of us come and go here, at this site, and we do miss some people’s posts, but I am sure that no one wanted to intentionally ignore you. I am sorry that I may have missed answering you.

      We all know that it is also easy for any of us, to miss seeing responses to our posts, and it took me some time to figure out how to miss fewer of them, too.
      🙂

      It took me some weeks before I figured out, (forgive me Sheri, and please ignore this, Sheri, if you explain it well and fully, which you likely do, right on the site for all of us!!! 😉

      Anyway, Peachy19, 🙂
      It took me several weeks before I figured out, that after I sign in, then I should click on Community again, and my username comes up.
      Then, whenever I chose to, I can click on it, for my own profile page.

      On that page, I can select from the menu list on the left side,
      and click on “Replies” and then I can click on each one of MY own replies, to see if anyone on those thread topics, answered any comment I made. Or if I want to add more to any discussion I had participated in the past.
      They are NOT always in order, so look thru the list again on any topic! 🙂

      OR, back on your own profile page, you can select and click on “Topics started” and see all of the ones that you started, and then click on each, to see any additional replies that you got.

      Try this site some more , and I think you will feel welcome, Peachy19.

      Even though, of course, each of us cannot respond to every single post topic.

      Needothers
      xo

      • #89004
        Avatarpeachy19
        Participant

        thank-you so much ,I think I got it now and the meds kicked in L.O.L… so I am better

    • #88950
      HopeonedayHopeoneday
      Participant

      Hi everyone, firstly thank you for letting me join

      I am a mother of three children 2 sons Age 22 and 15 and 1 daughter aged 19. I guess my story started 17 years ago when my first husband left me for the younger woman which was extremely hard but I still had my two beautiful son and daughter so life was ok. Luckily I found a terrific man who helps me through a lot and we were blessed with our son. Over the years I made sure my children’s life were balanced with both sets of parents my eldest spent a lot of time with his father and I made sure when ever any problems arose for my daughter with her father and step mother I help fix the problems. 5 years ago my ex and his wife left to live in another state and the children would go and visit on holidays. Life was pretty exciting going to live in the big city as our small town doesn’t have half of what they have. That was when my daughter decided to leave and live with her father which was extremely hard for me to deal with, after many tears I had to except the reality of things. For the past 2 and half years I have done everything I can to keep our relationship going we were talking ok only if I rang. Last year she was having difficulties with her step mum and was sleeping at friends houses. Instead of letting things runs it’s course I helped her fix her relationship with her step mum. Now one year later she was posting all photos of herself and the step mom and it got a bit much for me so I deleted the daughter on Instagram and Snapchat so I didn’t have to see them. When she found out she got very angry with me and every time I called she wouldn’t answer my calls. The step mum and father has done everything in their power to convince my daughter that I am bad for her. When she finally did answer she more or less wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say her life is fantastic without me and don’t call me. I really don’t know how to cope and I am trying hard not to reach out to her. Thanks for listening

    • #88997
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Oh my, that is so heart-wrenching, I am sorry that is happening for you, Hopeoneday.

      I do hope that she might shift her ideas at some point. She is still young, so she might.
      Personally I would not call her, but I would try sending other small reminders, occasionally (but not too often for now) that you are thinking of her in your own special ways.

      There is not a lot you can do to influence anyone, including her. Or to rush her to change her mind.
      In the meanwhile, the unknown future with her is worrisome, but try to find other focuses for yourself.
      Do try to do some enjoyable things for yourself and with your other people in your life, even though we understand how much that hurts!

      Welcome,
      Needothers
      xo

    • #89003
      AvatarLOVECATS
      Participant

      Brand new here!
      I’ve read a little bit, enough to see that I too am in a club I never wished to belong to.
      Is there a thread regarding wills and trusts?

    • #89090
      Avatarsmartcookie54
      Participant

      I feel relief in finding a place where I can talk about my situation with no judgement and an understanding of what I am experiencing. I raised my daughters, who were 15 and 9 at the time I separated and divorced from their father. The three of us were exceptionally close and I made the consious decision to not date until after my younger daughter married. My daughters are now 37 and 31. I helped raise my older daughter’s sons, now 14 and 12, while she went back to school to get her bachelors and masters degrees and I am also very close to the boys. My older daughter lives locally and says she doesn’t see a place in her life for me. My younger daughter lives 1700 mailes away and will not communicate with me at all and did not contact me when my only granddaughter was born. I have only seen one picture of the child that someone else shared with me when the baby was a few days old. She has since threatened family members to cut them off as well if they showed me any pictures.

      Three years ago I moved in with a man I had been dating. We did have a few fights while we go used to living with another person again. During one of these fights, my younger daughter called and in hearing us yell at each other, convinced her sister to call 911. I was angry at the time and moved out for a couple of weeks then we reconciled and I moved back in. Both of my daughters say they lost respect for me and that I deserved better than the relationship I was in and that it was too painful for them to continue to our relationship. That was three years ago.

      I understand what they were saying on some level, but if they were truly concerned for me, why withdraw their love and support? I have done everything I know to do to repair the situation, apologized, never made a reference to my personal situation, kept sending birthday and Xmas gifts, finally getting angry and saying how much they were hurting me as well. Nothing.

      My grandsons are old enough for us to keep in touch and have gotten together to go to the movies a couple of times (when my daughter wanted to go out), but it makes me sad that my granddaughter may never even know I exist.

      I keep my wonderful memories of my daughters up until 3 years ago, but honestly don’t know that I would even want to reconnect. No one can devestate you like your child can and I don’t think I want to tiptoe around them waiting to accidently do something that pisses them off again.

      Any happy endings out there?

    • #89040
      Avatarpeachy19
      Participant

      Welcome , I feel if you read over some of the previous posts you can see that many of us, can relate to your pain, shock,and feelings of guilt,however the guilt should not be yours,not one of us ever could have possibly imagined that those sweet babies we cherished went through blood sweat and tears for would shut us out of their lives and act as if we were total strangers, that it is so easy to just ignore our calls,texts and pleas for forgiveness for something that sometimes came out of the blue,or if we look back we have been mistreated by them for years and just put up with it. hoping they would change . I sometimes think they all read the same book how to break our parents hearts!!! I feel it is pointless to do anything but go on with our lives finally take care of ourselves read the book done with the crying and know you have alot of support

    • #89059
      Avataremily38
      Participant

      Good morning and welcome, LOVE CATS,

      Quick note, as it happens Sheri just added a post on this, a topic that routinely comes up here.

      Updating our Wills

      Wills. What do you do

      (you may have to copy and paste these links)

      If you want/need more discussion, perhaps opening a thread on the Forum would also work.

      Again, welcome as you said to a club none of us wanted to join.

      emily38

    • #89130
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      smartcookie,
      I don’t have a personal happy ending story to tell you.

      I am sorry for what you have gone through, though, and I offer my welcome and my understanding, and yes, this is a place where you are not judged, and I am not, for mistakes we made or our imperfections, or the fact that my own daughter does not like or love or value me.

      We did our best, and yet, are shunned to extremes and abandoned by those we did prioritize for many years, as you said, you put off dating till after they were settled as adults, and you helped with the boys, your first grandchildren.
      And yet, now, your daughters don’t show caring and compassion for you (and whatever forgiveness possibly needed)
      and they don’t show appreciation for all that you did do.

      And yes, many of us deal with the great hurt of not even seeing or knowing our grandchildren, at all, like your youngest.

      I hope things might change for your situation.
      Or that you will find some other focuses, that we know, cannot replace them, but could add some goodness to your own life.

      LOVECATS< Welcome to you as well.

      Needothers

    • #89188
      AvatarCapricorn10
      Participant

      Hello Again,
      I replied earlier to Sheri McGregor however I
      Didn’t check the notifications box for replies.

    • #89230
      DragontearsDragontears
      Participant

      Hello. I have 2 adult daughters. The youngest was estranged, but she has since returned. She was an estranged child. She is now 19 and our relationship is good. The oldest was here during that estrangement. It was an estrangement that was come and go. Within a week of the final and most hurtful estrangement of my youngest, my oldest walked out and I have not heard a kind word from her since. That was over 2 years ago. I have done my best to recover over the past two years, but it has been a case of touch and go. I’m hoping to heal myself and help others as I can. My heart is still in pieces, but I’m hopeful to stitch it back together and allow the scars to heal so that I may move forward with. The ability to trust in the love of a child once more as my returned daughter has just informed me that I will be a grandmother soon. The thought of allowing anyone into my heart is terrifying, even a little baby. Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to explore my feelings.

    • #89282
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Welcome to Dragontears,
      and to Capricorn10.

      Needothers

    • #89404
      AvatarUbuntu
      Participant

      Hi, I am a mother of 2 boys and married. The oldest one is 22 years old and we have been estranged for under 6 months. It has been over 4 years that our relationship has been erroding but in the last 6 months we have not seen our son or grandson. It really started when he meet our grandson’s mother. Trust me when I say, I so wanted a daughter in law. I was raised with 3 brothers and I myself have two boys. I tried so hard to please her, be kind, generous and supportive. But it soon became evident that she would outright lie and twist things that would happen. At first I blamed myself and thought I need to try harder. It caused fights between my husband and myself because he could see they were just using me and truth be told I was allowing them to take advantage of me. I was so scared of losing my son. It finally took a therapist and the reality I was losing my self and husband and other son because I was so absorbed in the constant drama and lies. I spent many days so confused and or believing I was a failure. I was so glad to have found “Done with the Crying” and this online support group. Since my boys were young I would periodically throughout their years say “what are the most important things in life”. They would chant like some kind of cult “love, God, family and friends”. I would giggle and say that is right. I am extremely close with my own 3 brothers and their families and cutting family off is just so foreign in our family. My son has admitted to me in the past that is partner is controlling and abusive. I have tried talking to him about the patterns and cycles but to no avail. Since he has cut us off we have tried to reach out but his partner(and now him) have just twisted reality and outright lie.He has become as sick as she is and that makes us so sad. I am a social worker by profession and understand the cycle of abuse but I still find it still so unreal. It is like I am living a nightmare. Physically it is my son but I don’t recognize the person he has become. Where did my loving, bright blue eyed boy go? I am a spiritual person and I am trying to have faith that things happen for a reason. It might not be about my journey. I am slowly trying to get better and let go…..anyway, this is a long introduction…thanks for listening.

    • #89584
      AvatarSummer1972
      Participant

      Hi, this is my 3rd attempt to introduce myself. I have 1 son of whom I adore & 3 small grandchildren. I am in a very dark place, I have been here a few times before when my son has stopped communicating with me, but this time is different. I think I might be slightly different to some of you as for self preservation reason I have walked away from my son, I know that I can no longer manage the humiliation in front of others that I have endured for the last 3-4 years. The disrespect & lack of care for me I have found a place to manage that over time, the humiliation…. no, despite trying. Hand on my heart I have given everything & more to him & his family, ensured his childhood was so different to mine, yet here I am in the darkest & loneliest of places. Yesterday I woke up being able to see past tomorrow, but today it’s hit me all over again… & all that keeps going around & around in my head “what the hell did I do wrong?”.

    • #89629
      Avataranaeco
      Participant

      Hello all,

      Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I had no idea the rejection from a grown child is so prevalent. I joined this group as my 30 year old son, intoxicated, exploded on me two weeks ago that he could see why his dad wanted to hit me and that I was the worst mother for yelling at him and getting angry when he was younger. I had anger issues as a child and fought with his dad until he separated. In his teenage years I lost my mother, then father a year later and I was making bad decisions in regards to my own drinking. I was very depressed and no longer forced him to see his father as I did not have the strength to battle with his father. My son was cutting school due to a bad case of eczema, so I allowed him to be home schooled for a year. He went to few years of college but did not finish and is now working as a waiter and unhappy with his low paying job. My son has lived on his own since has 24, but asked to move in with me for 6 months when he had a bad reaction to a steroid cream that caused his skin to peel off. He went back home once he got better
      and got a job. My son and I regressed during those six months with me being the caregiver again. Even once he started working, my son wanted to still spend the night. In May, he woke from my alarm and started yelling at me but apologized and said he did not to hurt me but blamed my and his dad for a bad childhood in which he always felt afraid that his dad would break things and I would yell. He said this bad childhood was the reason that he gambled and did drugs a few years back. He went to counseling when he was a teenager and being home schooled and that he helped. My son was sick most of his childhood with bad asthma that put him in the hospital 3 times. His help health is better except for getting over his skin condition. When he exploded on me two weeks ago, he had such hate in his eyes and I was scared. At that time he asked me why did I do this him and that he will never forgive me for sometimes yelling when I was in my depressed state for a year. Before that time, he would come by and have dinner and always tell me that he loved me. I think I will never hear that he loves my again and I’m heartbroken. There were signs over the last ten years that he was unhappy when he said that he had no good times in his childhood and that he wants to move out of the area to get away from me. It hurts like hell that he had this much animosity towards me that he could whip out at anytime when he intoxicated. We had fights when he was a teenager but nothing this hateful. Once he moved out, I thought we were one good terms, we would see each once a week and everything was civil. I understand my son needs to grow up at 30 and not be dependent on me but it the way he unloaded with hate in his eyes that have put me in such a state of depression that I feel like I am having a panic attack every day and cause major crying jags. I am going to start therapy to try to get over this hump. Has anyone else gone through this with their child? My son has never shut me out before and I’m scared we will never talk again.

      • #89883
        Avatarpeachy19
        Participant

        “Cher sings ” WORDS ARE LIKE WEAPONS THAT HURT LIKE A KNIFE” in her song if i could turn back time. That is so true, as you read thru the stories here so many of us have gone thru the shock of what our once loving children say to us that hurts like a knife . We try to figure out where, when did this anger come from and we hold the guilt until we realize we did the best we could bringing our children up and that our love for them never changed , but somehow, for some reason we became the reason for all their problems, and as my son says ” we just dont see things the same way “and that is why we are on our what he refers to as a break, no contact and the power becomes theirs no response to our pleas for forgiveness or resolution to whatever this is,as we grieve thru this loss we slowly work on gaining back our lives thru sharing on this site , reading the book Done With The Crying, for me doing anything to shut out the words and thoughts is healthy, productive and what i think is the best and only way to survive

    • #89648
      AvatarC_Side
      Participant

      Hi, just wanted to say a quick hello. Hope everyones having an okay evening 😊☉❤

    • #89657
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Welcome to Ubunto,

      You wrote:
      “I have tried talking to him about the patterns and cycles but to no avail. Since he has cut us off we have tried to reach out but his partner(and now him) have just twisted reality and outright lie.He has become as sick as she is and that makes us so sad. I am a social worker by profession and understand the cycle of abuse but I still find it still so unreal. It is like I am living a nightmare. Physically it is my son but I don’t recognize the person he has become. Where did my loving, bright blue eyed boy go? ”

      This all makes sense. You tried talking with him about it, you are aware of the related issues, but it didn’t work. I am so sorry. Many of us have had similar experiences. I do not see how you could try any better, or change what he does.

      And we have similar resultant quandaries. How could this happen to us? How could he turn into this?

      It definitely feels unreal. And is a nightmare.
      We do understand what you wrote.

      Summer1972,

      I am glad you tried for the third time.
      I am very sorry for the heartache you are enduring. You probably did not do anything wrong. Many of us have been as good as we knew how, as parents, but something did not turn out right, and we were totally rejected by our own child.
      Even the mistakes we made, do not warrant cold, humiliating, disrespectfulness, treating you badly in front of others or alone, is not healthy for you.

      I wish we could visit you and give you whatever type of hug that would be comfortable for you. You are hurting, and we know that is terrible. Try not to emotionally hurt yourself any more than he and others have hurt you.
      Try to say kind, good things to yourself. Remember all of the good things you did do, including all the efforts to make his childhood better than yours was.

      Remind yourself of nice things about you. HIS opinion does not make it true, they are not fact. He sounds like he enjoys upsetting you and says whatever he knows will upset you.

      Tell yourself some good things about you.

      Welcome to this group.
      There are many good people here, who want to lend you a hand.
      Join in with our other conversations.

      Needothers
      xoxo

      • #89876
        AvatarUbuntu
        Participant

        Needothers,
        Thank you for taking the time to welcome me into the group. It is nice to know I am not alone in this trying time. Reading other people’s posts and knowing others understand and care helps immensely . Thanks again.

    • #89658
      Avatarrattlesnake
      Participant

      Hello Anaoco,

      Sorry for what you are dealing with! I also have a 30 year old son, and I also homeschooled him for a year! Seems so coincidental, but many of the other facts of our stories are quite different. I’ve always been close to my ES, but yes, I enabled his irresponsibility and inability to live within his means. My son has never been a drug or substance user but whenever i did try to address some of his very real issues, he knew just how to cut me off, one of those ways was to ask, “Would you rather I be a drug addict?” Of course my answer was no, but really he was just changing the subject.

      In spite of it all we remained close until he married his second wife. Now, the real irony is I get along fine with my son’s first wife, but have a serious falling out with him and his new wife.

    • #89757
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Rattlesnake,

      What a diversion tactic reply that is, “would you rather I be a drug addict?”

      Difficult to have any productive conversation on another topic, with someone who answers like that, eh?

      Welcome to you, Anaeco,

      I am so sorry for the very difficult times you have had, even way back, when you were struggling terribly and not able to cope , with various difficulties, and with losing your parents, and it is very difficult to cope with the stresses of parenting, while having difficult issues ourselves, and depressions, are so difficult.

      And now, your son blames you, and looks at you with anger, and that upsets you, too, and you are also afraid he might not return.

      I am so sorry. It is all very difficult.

      Needothers

    • #89790
      Avatarrattlesnake
      Participant

      Hello Gingersnap!

      Sorry you find yourself here amongst this group of rejected parents.

      I hope you find comfort in sharing your story and sorrow.

      ~Rattlesnake

    • #89819
      AvatarSummer1972
      Participant

      Needothers
      Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have probably read it 10 times over. You are very kind & I realised that a hug is something I could really do with right now. I left my husband back in December & currently going through a divorce & lots of the arguments was due to everything I did for my son, that wasn’t the main reason to separate. My son is close to his step father & despite not needing to take sides, he has been amazingly supportive to his step father. My son has chosen to kick me whilst I’m down so to speak….. but yes I am aware that a hug would be lovely right now.. thank you

    • #89890
      Avataremily38
      Participant

      To all the new members who’ve joined this week, welcome to a group you never thought you’d join but happy you found us. NeedOthers is such a generous Ambassador with her hand extended to recent arrivals, as she’s done for all of you.

      If you haven’t already, please begin this journey toward healing with Sheri’s book in hand. It will shine a light on your path to guide you through the darkness. So will the rich treasury of articles on the home page of this site. Your work will be to read and read and read ( plus do the exercises in the book). None of this will be easy but it will lead you to the person you are, not the parent, the person.

      Each of us is at different places on this path. I hope those of us ‘veterans’ (as Rainbow calls herself), will help you stand on your own two feet, head held high, walking toward wellness and reaching peace. We understand.

      emily38

    • #89891
      AvatarAnonymous
      Inactive

      I am heartbroken my youngest daughter does not speak to me after a marital split and literally breaking my heart every single day 😥

    • #89957
      AvatarSusie66
      Participant

      Hi,  all we can do is take it day by day I I know its heart rending. I too am coming up to a year without contact from my daughter and 3 year old grandson. I try and find new meaning in everyday however hard some day’s are better than others. Should we give up I have thought so so many times and I remember my worth. I cant say it is getting easier as it does consume all my thoughts at times but it is getting easier to manage I play music I garden I bake and visit people close to me who are aware of my situation. Try and stay strong and hopefully all our hearts will learn to heal.

    • #89999
      Avatar3DogDays
      Participant

      Am I on the right thread, posts, replies…?

      Sheri, your Six Points are so useful. Happiness after estrangement of my family…for me…not possible. As I age out of pertinence in this world, days of being OK come and go. The reminders are consent.

      I was never able to admit to my bad behaviors because I was so young and ignorant. For me, it was drinking. SO socially acceptable and almost required if you wanted to be in the Game.

      Drinking and using was bad??? In, ‘70s and ’80s it was just what most did. And now, in ’19, booze/drugs are more used than ever! I started drinking at 20 and already had two children. Boyfriends liked me drunk! Husbands loved me drunk.

      Everyone I was in business with drank! Never attributed our/my drinking to what I thought drunks were: losers, skid row, broke, incarcerated, or street livers. In my illiterate mind I simply did not see how my money and social status could possibility be connected to a ‘drunk’. More successful & monied, the more we drank. No DUIs, no legal problems, no health issues nothing to make me think I WAS THE PROBLEM!

      I was ignorant to think my drinking behaivors did not influenced my kids on conscious or subliminal levels.

      Great zip code, stunning home, pool, own private rooms, new cars in high school, fun vacations, great clothes, horses, dogs, exotic birds, lots of freedoms. As my kids started to ‘act out’ I blamed everything: schools, teachers, spoiled brats, too much money, society, friends, ex-husbands, Fathers lack, everything, except…me.

      I drank at political functions, business meeting, traveling, vacations, I drank after my sisters suicide. I drank after my sons suicide. I drank after my husbands suicide attempts when he bankrupted our business. I functioned but, I was diminishing.

      What finally stopped my decline into the horrors of alcoholism was when my 10 yr old granddaughter said, “Grandma, do you have to have another one?” She touched my Soul. I instantly KNEW. I never drank again. That was 20+ years ago.

      Spent yrs and money trying to make up for my bad choices but nothing worked, the damage had been done. My daughters third husband does not like sobriety. I am rejected.

      I live in isolation from my highly educated professional daughter, her third husband and my adult granddaughters. They are not about to forgive me in their perceptions of what, ”I did to them’ fantasies. They do not acknowledge all the help I freely gave them as they came up in life. The home I bought for my daughter, happily embracing each of her 3 husbands, the car for a new baby, the ‘loans’, the free money, the child support money and child caregiving, the utilities bills. I am No longer able to give money. Maybe that was all they needed. They are in their world of ego, families, relationships, work and fast living to survive this whacked life. DO not misunderstand! I am SO grateful they are all highly educated monied professionals and able to support their families!!

      If there is truly self-forgiveness, that can only be done when we admit our part in estrangements. Denial is futile. I have to live (or not) with the hit of regrets, losses and loneliness.

      Not much $$ work for olders, I volunteer a lot. Makes me sadder. I do still cry, (so human), but, now I know why and I have to live and die with that. AND, I have rescue doggies..they need me:)

    • #90029
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      3DogDays,

      You have replied in the Introduction thread. You can click on ANY thread and reply to particular topics.

      It’s a wise thing to be able to admit faults, so good for you. I’m sorry that you were caught up in a lifestyle that you didn’t see (at the time) was not good for your family. Many of the parents here do not have histories that include things we can so clearly see. In fact, there are many here who did everything “right,” and still face estrangement. Sometimes it is about “denial,” as you say. Other times, a son or daughter has reasons they don’t share with the parents (and may have nothing/little to do with them). Sometimes a son or daughter suffers mental illness that causes the split, or they choose something/someone over a relationship with the family ….Oh, the list can go on.

      From what you say, you did DO a lot for your children, and they are living successful lives. I’m happy for that, too. it’s a comfort to know the ones we truly did love (though perhaps imperfectly as is the way of humans) are doing fine.

      Pat those rescue doggies and hug them close. Cherish your existing friendships and/or broaden out to find new ones with people that can be meaningful (and help against loneliness, which you mention).

      Many hugs, and join in the conversations here as you wish.

      Sheri McGregor

    • #90006
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Welcome to each one of you, and it sounds to me , such a good job you are each doing,
      just attempting to cope with such a huge difficulty.

      Good job, Susie66,
      with what you described doing, to give yourself the support you need and you do deserve.

      I think that you and all the others, will find extra support and ideas, among us, as I have,
      and the understanding that others often do not offer to us, about this sad experience.

      Anonymous,
      welcome to you also,
      and so sorry you are going through so much at one time. Many here have overlapping experiences with what you are enduring. Hang in there, and notice that we do understand. That is very rough.

      Still thinking of you too, Summer1972,

      and emily38, thank you always and again, for your beautiful input, and so supportive.

      It means a lot to me, and to so many others, I am sure.

      Needothers
      xoxo

    • #90009
      AvatarSoItGoes
      Participant

      Having a bad day. I haven’t seen my adult daughter in four years. Spent the first two years crying every night, and not sleeping. Crying first thing in the morning. Hoping each day would be the day she came back to me. The next two years, I stopped crying (was seeing a therapist), and simply blacked out all memory of having a daughter. It’s the only way I get through life. When she left, she took away all joy in my life. I lost my zest for life, and I’ve never been the same.

      Her father and I had divorced. He remarried, had other kids, and had little involvement in raising our daughter. I was always there for her, and we were very closely bonded. I don’t want to provided a detailed story, but to say the cut-off was abrupt and totally puzzling. I’ve done everything imaginable to reach out to her. Right after she cut me off (and her little brother), she fell in with her father’s family and began posting family pictures of that family. After year one of total silence, she sent her brother a text saying that I’m not her mother—her stepmother is. She’s since graduated college (I was not allowed), and moved out of state. I don’t want to offend anyone who’s lost a child to death, by making this comparison. I will say I’m comforted that my daughter is still alive. But I feel as though the grief I feel over the loss of my child is at least similar to the enormous pain one most feel to losing a child to death. Today, the anguish is so unbearable. Today, I remembered I had a daughter. I looked her up online. I saw her face.

      • #90062
        AvatarSiobhan
        Participant

        Hi ,
        I have the same issue, my daughter hasn’t spoken to me for 5 months this time. She is 27 and has done this before.
        We haven’t fought, it’s just that she seems to blame me for everything.
        Same as you , i’m divorced and her father played no part in her upbringing -she couldn’t stand him growing up .Now he’s her buddy.
        She doesn’t talk to her brother or younger (half ) sister either or her 84 year year old grandmother.
        I’m starting to think she has a personality disorder or mental illness .
        How cruel and self centred this generation seems to be. I would never have done this to my parents and i didn’t have a perfect upbringing . My father was beyond tough , never entered my head to disown him . I loved him and forgave him .

    • #90036
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Dear SoItGoes,

      My empathy is huge for you … so let me just give you a virtual hug to start. It’s okay to come here and share your sorrow. It’s a part of the way forward. Eventually, though, it will be time to put away that old tale of not having any zest. It will be time to purposely work toward a new sort of zest. A new life, a new journey, a new era for yourself. No, you cannot change what happened, but you can certainly have a choice, have influence, have a measure of control in what happenS now.

      So, instead of getting up and crying. How about deciding to make a change, and then beginning to implement it. One of the most basic things is near the beginning of my book, and that is to have a plan for your day. So, instead of letting yourself cry or blocking (that takes a lot of energy, actually), you get going on something. A hobby that can be fun, a walk to the store where you purposely smile at people and say hello, where you get your items and cook a meal (make it special, set the table, etc). You could feed the birds, get a book about them, watch with binoculars, take pictures…. (try mindful photography). You could make a point of doing something for a neighbor each week, or perhaps try some clubs or read a new book.

      BEFORE all of this happened, can you remember a time when you were strong? A time when you overcame something? You can overcome the sadness and move ahead. Maybe there will always be a piece that you can hold onto and feel hurt with when you choose, but you don’t have to be miserable and without zest.

      Here’s another thought: Don’t let her ruin you. Stand up for yourself. Do it for you.

      Hugs to you. I know how hard it all is. I have confidence that you can be full of life in a whole new way. But, again, we’re here for you and understand the pain.

      Sheri McGregor

    • #90044
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Oh, Soitgoes,

      my heart goes out to you.
      I have had so many of those same experiences as yours, and feelings. It does feel so damaging to our hearts.

      I am sorry it happened to you.

      Welcome to this supportive group.

      Needothers

    • #90061
      AvatarSummer1972
      Participant

      I feel in a very similar situation to lots of you, except my estrangement is from my only son (I have 3 grandchildren). I brought up my son alone & with no support. I looked him up on fb the other day & there is a whopping photo with him his stepmother (who was awful / rejected him as a child) & his step sisters with a message saying “family”… I worked, I provided & the last few years (he is now 30) have been heart wrenching . On my granddaughters 2nd birthday (4 weeks ago) when I had my “a-ha” moment, I realised this situation is going to end me the humiliation in front of others has to end, I walked away & for the first time ever I sent a text saying exactly what I thought in that 1 moment, & now it’s over. I’m full of guilt because I couldn’t manage it anymore, full of heart break is an understatement & I can’t believe the thing in my life I adored & cherished the most has treated me so badly & what’s worse I have no idea why? I honestly don’t. I work in mental health services & even with my knowledge & understanding I cannot for the life of me understand it, when some friends of mine make comments like “you ruined him”, “I think he took you for granted for years”, “you’ve been an amazing mum”, it just doesn’t fit & my brain is breaking. I have 1 friend at the moment that I am off loading too much, she is the only one at the moment I can be totally honest with, I needed to confess to someone about my suicidal thoughts it was my time to try & take the power away from it. So 2 nights ago I told her that on my granddaughters birthday I drove to a beach the one that I used to take my son to when he was young (no intention of returning home), I watched the sun set waiting for the moment to take that last step at it never came, & I don’t know why it never came, but it didn’t. 3 hours later I was driving home, my hearts broken, my brain is broken. Something in me wants to live, something inside of me wants to survive & also I am asking myself a question “why is my happiness based upon my relationship with my child?”, I have achieved so much in my life but my role as a parent & a grandmother consumes everything. People live their lives very happy childless, I know a very successful psychologist who has just married her childhood sweetheart, they have made a sworn vowel to each other that they never have children. I think my relationship with my child is based around my own unmet needs as a child & that’s why I always went over the top with love, time and money, I’m in debt because of it. My son didn’t make me do all those things, I chose to. I am only 4 weeks into this excruciating painful journey, life is so short & part of me feels ashamed because there is also a feeling of relief, never having to feel awful because another Mother’s Day or birthday with a forgotten card & no present (my husband whom I’m divorcing) used to get lovely cards (my son used to write in them- not mine my daughter in law would do it) & he would get lovely thoughtful gifts. Never having to be accused of something I didn’t do, not having to walk into that house ever again to be ignored & more importantly humiliated in front of others, never have to suck up ever, ever again just to be acknowledged for one second. Like many of you I also have lost my grandchildren, but one day I hope they find their way to me… I opened a box of old toys, cards etc yesterday & I found loads of mother day cards & birthday cards with my little boys beautiful writing, which reminded me that, that’s what I’m grieving for my little boy who used to love me so much & I have to accept for whatever reason he doesn’t anymore… I have to somehow find a way to find a life for me. Apologies if this is a very long post, but typing this I think has really helped… sending positive thoughts to you all xx

    • #90071
      Avatarrattlesnake
      Participant

      So Sorry, SoitGoes.

      Something you said really stands out to me:

      “But I feel as though the grief I feel over the loss of my child is at least similar to the enormous pain one most feel to losing a child to death. ”

      My husband has been very supportive to me during this period of ED with my youngest child, but he often reminds me that this could be “much worse” since we lost his youngest child when she was at the prime of her life, a new mother, 24 years old. I have agreed with him as he said that because in so many ways I know he is right. There are times in my journey of learning to cope with this, that the grief is similar when you lose a living child, especially if you were close to that child before a rather sudden change of circumstances.

    • #90090
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Summer1972,

      Rejection hurts, and that has been proven in studies from the tiniest rejection from someone we don’t know. It rattles our core. When it comes from someone we love so much, then it’s not difficult to get why it is so earth shattering.

      You mention your unmet needs as a child, and of course, that could have been at play when you were raising your son and giving him so much. It could also be an issue here when you are not willing to be humiliated.

      However, just because you gave your child/adult a lot, even “over the top,” is not a reason for estrangement. Your son chose that. There are lots of sons and daughters who love their parents for who they are (over the top givers or not giving much at all).

      If you had unmet needs as a child, okay, now you can choose to meet your own needs … from a place of awareness. I’m glad that you found writing about your situation helpful. It does help to gain clarity and express ourselves, and here, you will find understanding voices. There’s no need to apologize (there are much longer postings here in this forum, and I created for parents like you).

      I’m glad you joined us.

      HUGS to you …

      Sheri McGregor

    • #90129
      AvatarTO.THE.MOON
      Participant

      Hi Everyone,

      My husband and I have experienced many heart-wrenching results of child who is seeking her own way in life. It is so difficult to experience the rejection and not truly understand what drives it. My daughter married a “quasi-abusive” man and the only parts of the situation that I do know of is what she has relayed to me in the past. Abusive. Initially, I was supportive of her but not fully understanding what was actually taking place, if it was taking place, exaggeration, etc. and there are so many questions, however, abuse is abuse, and there is no turning away from it. My daughter, whom I love tremendously, is being manipulated against us. Not only by her husband but by his family. If I were to relay the types of behaviors I’ve seen from all of these folks, there probably is a pattern. Defensiveness, some of the letters I have received from the mother-in-law are so bizarre and accusational and stock full of the most crazy we have ever seen. Well, yes – I remain broken hearted and empty. Though I am learning. I have a question. The last crusade against my husband and I – we have been married 30 years and very stable, same house, not abusive, supportive, etc. Pretty good stuff we are built on. I waited over six months to contact her because of the last crazy that I was put through. She responded and it was warm, engaging, sent pictures of our grandchildren, herself and so forth. I also sent photos of the things we were doing, childhood photos so that she could show the grandchildren how much they all looked alike. Just fun stuff. Very positive. Here is my question. I will text randomly, she always responds positively, however, will never attempt to text me which I find interesting. Bearing in mind that she is behaving almost in my opinion narcissistic. She has been in the past but it almost seems to be going away but vaguely there – maybe I no longer trust? I’m not sure. Why is she responding but not initiating? Is this normal? I don’t want to be abused again. Sad, sad, sad. I want to be strong again like I once was? Does anyone understanding this?

    • #90156
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      To the Moon, my daughter is just the opposite. She will never respond if I initiate it! She has trained me not to call or text as there will be no response if I do. I absolutely never reach out first under no circumstances. My daughter sends random text and even more randomly calls. I think she has called twice this year. Only they know why they behave the way they do. We can’t figure them out because we don’t think like they do. I don’t put much thought into it anymore and I hope you don’t as well. You cannot change your daughter’s behavior so just try to accept it and live your life. You know she will respond for you if you need her and that sounds positive.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #90223
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Summer1972,

      That is beautiful, all that you wrote.
      I am glad you are here with us.

      Needothers
      xoxo

    • #90265
      AvatarSiobhan
      Participant

      I am estranged from my 27 year old daughter , its been 5 months since i’ve seen her and 3 months since i got a text from her on the eve of Mothers Day saying that she doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to see me .
      She also said that i sat her down when she was 8 and told her i loved her but hated her as a person !!!
      i have no memory of that ,nor is it something i’d say especially to an 8 year old . She was the apple of my eye until she was a teen .
      She has estranged from me before but i did not recognise it for what it was.
      I follow her on social media but other than that, have no contact.
      She does not speak to my mother, her brother or sister or her step father either .Only her natural father who was an absolute bastard when she was growing up .
      My question is ,do any of you feel like your child is someone you used to know ? like a close friend / other family member that you’ve lost contact with?
      I just cant put my finger on it .
      I work and have 2 other kids , my son has a gorgeous girlfriend and i adore her. My son recently asked me if she’s the daughter i wanted instead of the one that i got !!!
      Anyway , i’m pretty busy and try not to think about my daughter too much. She has hurt me so badly. Like others, i was single and worked and spoilt her rotten . She had a good childhood , it wasn’t great but i was coping with alot and made sure she was driven everywhere , friends always welcome, etc etc
      I am actually quite angry – i haven’t had the easiest life but i am a doer . I don’t sit on my arse and wait for things to come to me , i go get them . I don’t know why my family is broken like this .
      I am also grateful that i have 2 other kids who are great at the moment .
      All i ever wanted was a happy family.
      This is so common though, my husband and i were recent at a restaurant in Milan on holiday and were sat next to a couple from New York, we got chatting and she showed my pictures of her grandkids etc .
      I mentioned that we were estranged from my eldest and then she admitted that she is estranged from her eldest son and doesn’t see those grandkids .
      He is a Psychologist as well !!! I think they are always f….. up and think mothers are to blame.
      I’ve been thinking alot about our Misogynistic society and why mothers are blamed for everything lately. Kids generally have fathers too.
      Bit of a rant sorry. But Hi to everyone and sorry we are all here.

    • #90275
      Avatarrattlesnake
      Participant

      Hello Siobhan,

      So sorry to hear that you are among us with estranged adult children. I do think there is a growing trend to blame the mother for everything and because some of us seek help from psychologists, I’m hesitant to agree they are “always F…d up.” I do think that half the time, or more, they are though, so we need to be cautious who we trust to give us guidance and advice. I think forums like this are just as useful. You take what you need, leave what does not apply to your situation and we get support and try to grow and learn and cope.

      I have to deal with a social worker (my son’s wife) and some people are telling me THEY are always F…d up too. Well, my DIL certainly is, but I will leave it at that.

      Though my ES has always somehow worshiped his father and dismissed me, we were still close up until last year when he married his second wife. His father and I divorced when he was young and he would have no real memory of us together. As a young adult, as we discussed things going on in his life, whatever I’d say he would comment something like, “yes, I hear you but MY DAD says…” and it was obvious from the context whatever Dad said was more important to him even though his father was NOT a good role model, in my view.

      I think it is the social worker (my DIL) who thinks mothers are to blame for everything and I learned early on that she can’t stand her own mother, but curiously lived with her right up until age 30 when she moved in my area because of my son. After they got married, she quickly learned how close I was to his children (whom quite frankly I helped raise with the blessing and encouragement of both bio parents). She started emotionally abusing them and imposing boot camp style punishment on them and one of the frequent, extreme and lengthy punishments included they were grounded from seeing Grandma. The bio mom didn’t like this and once it became known that bio mom and I were friendly, DIL turned more vicious than I could have ever imagined, and she took direct measures to put a permanent wedge between my son and I.

      I will share more on the forum as time goes on, but I’m cautiously optimistic. My son has started talking to me a little. Not a lot, not every morning on the way to work like before, but some.

    • #90451
      AvatarNookie
      Participant

      I am not quite ready for a full introduction, I am
      Hopeful this will help me learn how to piece my heart and life back together. I’m so sorry any of us are here- oddly there is comfort in knowing I’m not alone. My husband seems to be able to move on and ‘deal’ with my daughters estrangement – I cannot. I do not share my feelings with other family members or friends for fear of judgement or just no understanding. I try to talk to my husband but he’s ‘tired of it’ and just tells me to go get therapy.
      I feel broken, lost and alone.

    • #90590
      Avatarrattlesnake
      Participant

      Hi Nookie,
      So sorry to hear this! I hope you find some comfort here.

    • #90589
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Nookie, you will find emotional support here, you have come to the right place. We know and understand how you feel. You are probably feeling every emotion we have all experienced. Rejection from your child leaves you feeling lost, shame, broken, hurt, sad, embarrassed, confused, isolated, angry, betrayed, and the list goes on and on. Friends and family will not understand and think you just had some tiff and it will pass. Most of the time they will blame the parent because your adult child is just a kid and they will pretend in their mind your 30 year old is 12.

      This is not your fault and the estrangement was not your decision. My advice is to not self blame and not to apologize for something you didn’t do. I didn’t understand the estrangement and certainly didn’t understand all my own feelings. I read Sheri’s book Done with the Crying and it helped me more than I could ever explain. This forum is always a wonderful place to express your feelings and just let it out. Go back through the history of all the posts and read everything. You will learn a lot from what others have experienced. Please reach out anytime you need support and it’s so much better than holding it in. You are not alone, you have friends here.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #90636
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Welcome Nookie,

      You wrote what so many of us do feel as well, and have felt, so you are not alone.

      How “moving on” looks so far out of reach and feels impossible.

      How we hide our thoughts and feelings, from other people, for fear of judgment and lack of understanding.
      How even someone close to us, might not comprehend how we feel, or support us the ways we need, in this awful situation.

      Welcome also to Sioban.

      I am sorry for what both of you are going through, and that you find yourself here,
      but I have found this group is very helpful, and a positive step to take, participating here.

      I think that you each will find that, too.

      Needothers

    • #90669
      AvatarRedd
      Participant

      Wow It’s comforting to know we are not alone. We were just recently estranged by my son because I put my foot down about the way his fiancé was treating my wife. We were close until he met her and now………. I am a flight paramedic and the last conversation we had he said he hoped I crashed and died.

      I just don’t know how to feel right now.

    • #90680
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Reed, you are not alone. As you can see there are many of us. I’m sorry your son is treating you and your wife this way. Welcome to the forum and you will find support here.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #90715
      AvatarNowisthetime
      Participant

      Hello- this is the first forum I have ever participated in. I’m not sure how to start. There are so many topics and so many of you I would like to learn from. From the little I have read, we are all in the same boat! My husband and I have been estranged from our daughter for a year and a half and like most of you, we were completely blind sided! We were good parents and gave our daughter all the help she asked for. That is probably part of the problem. We could help…with college, housing, childcare, medical bills, more school and on and on including more financial support for lawyers in her two divorces. She was always very grateful and showed a lot of appreciation. She asked for extras and I often put her needs first. When she finally got a job that could barely support her and her kids, she exited from our lives. Then we learned about all the blame and criticism she harbored for us. She was critical of everything we said or did and said we hurt her. Unfortunately we were never able to convince her that we never meant to hurt her in any way. It was so shocking to hear her interpretation of events! Everything seemed to be a personal attack on her when it was never meant that way. We tried counseling in the beginning but the counselor had a personal health issue and had to leave. We never got started again…and she claims we were to blame for that too. So, I went myself as my husband didn’t feel the need after a year. It helped a little but I felt like I wasn’t getting any insight into the issue. That’s when I found Sheri’s book and all of you! Wow, I’m not alone and that in itself helps a lot. I know we parents did the best we could and don’t deserve this. Somewhere I feel there is a personal lesson/growth opportunity for me here and I hope to gain from that and become a stronger person as a result!

    • #90729
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Dear Nowisthetime,

      Now is the time! Yes, you can be a stronger person. Your attitude is leading you. I’m so sorry you need to be here…but Welcome!!

      Hugs,
      Sheri McGregor

      • #90737
        AvatarNowisthetime
        Participant

        Thank you Sheri! When I first looked for help all I could find on the internet was blaming the parents! I am so grateful for your book and research. thank you! I shared it with my therapist because I don’t think he was aware of the epidemic of estranged parents. I am so happy you chose to help so many.

    • #90717
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Welcome to Redd,
      I am so sorry that your son and his fiancé are doing that.
      You are right in my view, to require your wife to be treated with respect and kindness, and even love.

      What an awful thing for him to say to you, also.

      Needothers

    • #90748
      RestoredSmileRestoredSmile
      Participant

      Dear Fellow Estranged Parents,

      I’m here to introduce myself as a brand new member and I’m very relieved I have found a “home” where I don’t feel I am so alone. For me, the estrangement slowly began 4 years ago after my son got married and began cutting his sister out of his life. However, it didn’t become obvious to me until a couple of years later. My son and I always had a very close and healthy relationship, and he had a special bond with his sister as well. Their loving relationship was the joy of my life. When he first met his bride-to-be, we all loved her – she was beautiful, friendly, and quickly endeared herself to us. When the new happy couple began cutting my daughter out of their lives, I didn’t think much of it as I figured they were merely adjusting to their new lives together.

      After a few months of married life, my son and his wife moved to the other side of the state. I was never a “hover mother” and encouraged independence. So again, I really didn’t think much of it. Finally, I asked my son about his seemingly strained relationship with his sister, and he confirmed what my daughter had always suspected. He gave me no specific reason for cutting his sister out of his life, and was vague overall. During the following years, I occasionally mentioned to him that this strained relationship saddened me, but didn’t let him know how much it devastated me because I didn’t want this “issue” to destroy our relationship. So I tried not to make a big deal over it, figuring it would work itself out somehow. But there was always that “elephant in the room” whenever they came for any family get-togethers.

      Several weeks ago, my son called me to say his wife recently had a miscarriage. I was devastated for them, as I knew they wanted a family. Later that day, I shared the sad news with his sister, and she asked whether she should reach out to him. I told her “that would make my heart smile.” I was hoping for a positive connection. After she reached out to him, my son called me to say that he did not appreciate me sharing this “confidential” information with her. I was completely gob smacked and could hardly speak. We usually end our phone conversations with a “goodbye, I love you” but I couldn’t even bring myself to utter those words. The phone pretty much fell out of my hands. He later texted me and said he was sorry if he hurt my feelings. Again, I didn’t even know how to respond. There was so much to say, and I knew I couldn’t express myself in a meaningful way over the phone, so I began writing down my feelings. After a few days, I finally responded to him by email that my feelings were not hurt by being confronted about an assumed understanding of confidentiality, but I was dismayed because of the REASON he didn’t want his sister to know… and that is, she is no longer considered to be a member of his family. I poured out my heart and soul to him because I wanted him to finally understand how much this is hurting me. Well, that was 5 weeks ago, and I haven’t heard a peep from him since then. His silence speaks volumes. Apparently, I’ve overstepped certain “boundaries” by challenging his decision to cut his sister out of his life. So, apparently, I guess I’m being cut out as well.

      I’m living my life in a sort of limbo now, I feel my son has died – not physically, but emotionally. Like he’s been kidnapped by some insidious cult and was completely brainwashed. I’ve been completely blind sided by this, and don’t know how to move on. I’ve just ordered the book, “Done With The Crying” and I’m hoping to find some guidance and peace.

      • #90772
        RestoredSmileRestoredSmile
        Participant

        **correction** They moved to the other side of the country, not the other side of the state.

      • #90782
        Avataremily38
        Participant

        Welcome to the group, RestoredSmile. And you’ve taken the correct first step in ordering Sheri’s book. You will find as you read, do the exercises, read the experiences of others here that several common threads run through the stories told. One is parental alienation. Another is third-party disrupters. In both situations, another person triangulates a relationship and will insert themselves to a degree that forces out one of the other two. Many parents tell of this after their now-estranged adults marry. They will claim a close and loving relationship existed before the marriage. Often it’s the DIL who disrupts the family relationships though this isn’t exclusively a DIL issue.

        Read Sheri’s essays and the responses to her posts on the Home page. There’s a search function there for topics. Keep reading, then read even more. Your sad introduction story is a familiar one. Many parents who post here will offer supportive and caring thoughts. They have walked in your shoes.

        With commitment and effort and time and baby steps, you will be a fellow traveler on this journey toward healing. There isn’t a timetable. This will cover much territory and will change YOU. And that’s what coming on board is about.

        Be patient with yourself and the process. The road will be whatever it needs to be for you. We are here to support and encourage, because we KNOW.

        i am so sorry you are here, but am glad you found us. The pain of rejection by one’s own child is beyond description. Words for that are not needed.

        Welcome,
        emily38

      • #90799
        RestoredSmileRestoredSmile
        Participant

        Dear emily38,
        Thank you for your words of welcome and encouragement. It’s comforting to know that I do not walk alone in this sad journey. I’m looking forward to reading the book, as well as the other essays and experiences of fellow rejected parents here. It gives me hope in learning to cope with this “new normal.”
        I’m hoping that in time, my smile will be truly be restored.
        ~ RestoredSmile ~

    • #90755
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Welcome to Nowisthetime!

      Everything you wrote here, about your experiences, is so well put and easily understood by us. You are not alone, and I am glad you are seeking ways for yourself, to heal and to find ways to go forward.

      This is a huge and difficult , shocking hurt that we endure, and not easy to cope with. There is much understanding from many other parents, here at this site.

      I am glad you found us, and Sheri, and her book, which are so extremely helpful for others, that we cannot thank her enough.

      Look at some other topics, and join in, with your comments. You are welcome here. It is a process to go through, and others can help.

      Needothers

      • #90854
        AvatarNowisthetime
        Participant

        Hello needothers:) Thank you for your reply and I will take a look at the other topics. This is all new to me and I really appreciate being able to communicate with all of you in this frustrating and challenging situation!

    • #90756
      TeacherspetTeacherspet
      Participant

      Welcome nowisthetime

      I am sorry that you are here, but you are in the right place to find compassion and understanding from so many wise, and sadly experienced, parents who have been given the boot by their ungrateful children.

      I hope that you will begin to find some peace and feel the warmth of the sunshine once again. You will.

      Sending love to you and I look forward to reading your posts. TP

      • #90859
        AvatarNowisthetime
        Participant

        Thank you teacherspet:) Happy to be a part of this forum and have much to read from others. I am overwhelmed by this epidemic of estrangement and so curious about why. But like so many other things, I can ponder until I’m blue in the face and may never find the answer! So, there seems to be no choice but to “move on” and find some peace and acceptance in “not knowing.” Sending love to you, nowisthetime.

    • #90822
      Avatarrattlesnake
      Participant

      RestoredSmile,

      So sorry you have any reason to join us here, but welcome. I hope you find some comfort. Do you have any clue why your son cut his sister out of his life? Does it have something to do with his wife not liking her?

      My son has had a strained relationship with his sisters most of their adult years but it was not because of him cutting them out. The girls did not exactly cut him out, but it was obvious they disapproved of the way he goes about life and at times it seemed they did not care if they did not see him on occasions when they were home to our area. This bothered me and I was always advocating for him, encouraging the relationship between all my children. My daughters are understanding and supportive with what I am no going through. I have done so much for him, and they know it, but all it takes is marrying a woman who does not like me and is jealous of my relationship with his children for him to throw me under the bus.

      Part of my irony is that I understood some of their disapproval because my son is disorganized and rather irresponsible regarding many things, and he has narcissistic traits regarding the way he treats people in general. But I have spent much of my life defending my son to all of my family, to his sisters, past employers, friends, teachers, and extended family. I still love him and feel sad every day this goes on. I am past most of the hurt to myself for the loss of our relationship. Now this has moved back to the stage of the mother worrying about her grown son, the way I always have. I know his life is a huge mess with his neurotic, control freak wife, and it keeps getting deeper and worse. There is nothing I can do and there still wouldn’t be anything I could do even if we were on speaking terms. I’m done helping him out of his messes, especially financially. I really am.

      • #91148
        RestoredSmileRestoredSmile
        Participant

        Dear Rattlesnake, My daughter and I have absolutely no clue why my son cut her out of his life. When he first me his future wife, we thought the world of her. She seemed to make my son happy, seemed to enjoy my and my daughter’s company. But she slowly began pulling away from my daughter, stopped making eye contact, and stopped responding to anything she said. My daughter never did or said anything to my son’s wife that was out of line, insulting, or anything negative. My daughter liked her new sister-in-law. But it eventually became obvious my daughter was being cut of our my son and daughter-in-law’s life — for absolutely no reason. And once I finally poured my heart out to my son how much it was devastating me, I haven’t heard back from him either. I could see if my daughter had said or done something to warrant being shunned temporarily, but she did nothing at all. And even if she did something they perceived as horrible (which did not do) they should have talked to her and worked things out. Now I have to face my new normal in having my son reject me as well.

    • #90914
      SapphirePeonySapphirePeony
      Participant

      Dear Restored Smile,
      I am so sorry you are going through this. When I read these words from your post, “I’m living my life in a sort of limbo now, I feel my son has died – not physically, but emotionally. Like he’s been kidnapped by some insidious cult and was completely brainwashed. I’ve been completely blind sided by this, and don’t know how to move on.”, I thought I had written those very words. No one can know what you are going through except those of us on this forum who have gone through the very same thing. Almost no words for this kind of pain. I just want to encourage you – there are so many kind, loving people on this forum who are here for you.

      Breathe one breath at a time, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Every day growing stronger as you go forward – together with all of us!

      Sending hugs to you and all here,
      SapphirePeony <3

      • #91149
        RestoredSmileRestoredSmile
        Participant

        Dear SapphirePeony, Thank you so much for your understanding and words of support. Although I’m brand new here on this forum, I already feel the “fog” is dissipating just a little, and I’m regaining some strength just to know I’m not alone.

        Thank you, and hugs to you all here too. xoxo

        Hoping my smile will someday be truly restored,
        ~ RestoredSmile

    • #91309
      AvatarBachenpouf
      Participant

      Hi. I am an 89 year old mother, with 2 sons in another state, and one daughter living in the area where I live.
      I moved here 5 years ago from Florida, because I had some heart problems, and she suggested the move.
      The first year was great and I got invited to everything. Now, I see her about once a month. She is very socially active and has a lot of friends, a husband, and a very good job.
      She goes on a lot of vacations, has a lot of parties and other contacts. I am never included. I have some friends of my own, but the hurt is there.
      She visits her father’s 3rd wife, now a widow, for a weekend at a time.

      I have grieved a lot, and have finally come to the conclusion that this is just part of being a mother.
      No one said it would be a rose garden. Well, they did, but it isn’t. Other mothers see their daughters and sons often, and sometimes plan vacations together.
      Motherhood is not without pain, also not without joy. But you have to be ready for anything.
      Like being excluded from my husband’s funeral by the 3rd wife. And my kids agreed to it.

      My kids miss their father, but they don’t miss me even though I am alive.

      Oh Well.

    • #91361
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Oh, Backenpoof,

      Thank you for sharing with us.
      We do comprehend, and am so sorry for your being set to the side.
      Thank you so much for sharing. Your writing means a lot to me.

      I have gone through so much hurt and rejection, that I did not know would be “part of being a mother” but it has been for me.

      And it is true, that the unexpected turns are so emotionally painful. Such as the funeral, and the actions by family members at such important times, as that,
      and ongoing times, and the difference with how they treat others they are kinder to than to us, and how some mothers are included, but not some of us.

      I am sorry for what you go through. We are glad to have you here,
      and your sharing helps others, too.

      Welcome to all the newcomers.

      Needothers
      xo

    • #91362
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      I want to welcome
      Ever,
      who wrote an Introduction which is up above, between others, and I do not think I saw it before this time, today.

      I am so sorry for what you go through. There are many kind and understanding people here, at this forum. It does help, to be understood.

      Instead of clicking on REPLY to a post, in the middle of a list of posts,

      it might be better to go to the bottom and write in the Reply box there, on each thread, so that your reply post will be at the end, and be seen by others, more.

      Welcome to any I have missed welcoming.
      Needothers
      xo

    • #91436
      Avataridontgetit1946
      Participant

      I have tried this site before, but can’t figure out how to post something independently. I am fortunate in that I have relationships with my children, but still they are too often strained. I don’t seem to have anything in common with most of them. I find it hard to talk to them. Some of my children enjoy pushing the envelope talking about the latest pop culture stuff (transgender issues, etc.). It bores me, frankly, and it’s no topic for family get-togethers in my opinion.

    • #91518
      Avataritried
      Participant

      This is the third time my (almost) 25 year old son has shut me out. The previous times were shorter and we are only at 3 + months this time, but it feels like forever. Each time he does it, there is no reasoning behind it. Just starts ignoring me. The last couple times, he would return with a phone call to tell me he “doesn’t know why he does it, just finds himself blaming me for everything and that he’s sorry and won’t do it again.” In previous times, he’s only shut me out, still talking to my oldest (his sister) and my parents. This time, he has also shut out my parents and almost entirely his sister as well.
      Well, here we are again. He has a son, that I don’t see when he has him. Fortunately, my grandson’s mom and I have a great relationship, so I still get to see him frequently.

      My ex, his dad, was very manipulative, emotionally/verbally abusive, and at times even physically abusive to our son. He was paroled about 2 years ago after 4 years (way to short) in prison for incest with a minor and child pornography. My son has chosen to keep his dad close in his life, and I have never asked him to do otherwise. Just asked him to stay sharp and guard his mind and heart.

      For whatever reason, my son finds ways to condemn me for what is wrong in his life, despite my efforts to help him and give him a peaceful, safe home when things got really bad with his dad after we divorced.
      He has borrowed and never returned numerous items as well as thousands of dollars from my husband and I. (Two years ago, he told my husband how much he loves and respects him and considers him more of a “Dad” than his own father.) He will respond to my husband’s texts, but that is it.
      Just last summer he walked me down the aisle to marry the man I mentioned above, but now we are shut out of life events in his life. We are told that his girlfriend, not grandson’s mom, is pregnant and learned through social media that he proposed to her last week.

      He was pretty rude at Mother’s Day and after he didn’t even recognize my birthday, I finally wrote a tough love letter to him. Part of that letter told him to return the borrowed items if really is happier with me out of his life. No response of any kind.

      I’m hurt, disappointed, angry, conflicted and unsure of what steps to take next. I swore I would never again let anyone treat me like his dad did, I never expected it to be my own son.

    • #91523
      Avataritried
      Participant

      Gonna try this again. Last post did not save for some reason. 🙁

      My (almost) 25 year old son has shut me out again. The previous times were relatively short, and after reading some of the other introductions, so is this time so far. It has been 3+ months since our last communication, but feels like forever.

      There is never an argument of any kind, never any reasoning before he shuts down. He just stops responding to any attempts to contact him and certainly doesn’t initiate any. I finally quit chasing him. When he comes back, its with a phone call. He tells me “I don’t know why I do it, but I just blame you for things. It’s not right and I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again”.

      When we are not in these times, I like to think we are pretty close, but I may have been fooling myself. Family dinners, outings, regular communication, frequent daily texts, etc. But there is also a high level of drama, needs for “things or favors” and questionable decisions in life. Additionally, he has borrowed and never returned many expensive items and thousands of dollars from my husband and I.

      Usually it’s just me that he shuts out, this time he has included my parents and my oldest, his sister, who he has always been really close to. In fact she was living with him and moved out because she was feeling the disconnect and his passive blame for his relationship problems.
      He has a two year old son, that I don’t get to see when he has him. Fortunately, my grandson’s mom and I have a great relationship and I see him frequently through her.

      I see so much of his father’s behavior coming out and it scares me. His dad is a cunning man that put all of us through a lot of emotional, verbal, and even some physical abuse. 2 years ago, he was paroled after 4 years towards a potential life sentence (how is that justice?) for incest with a minor and child pornography. My son has chosen to keep him active in his life and I’ve never asked him to do otherwise. I’ve only asked him to guard his heart and mind to his dad’s words and actions.

      Last summer he was happy and eager to walk me down the aisle to marry my husband. The same man that two years ago, he told was a “better dad to him than his own father.” He will still respond to a text from my husband but nothing further. Through social media and second hand comments, we are learning that he and his girlfriend (not grandson’s mom) are pregnant and he has proposed to her. A year ago, he would have been giddy to tell us of these life events.

      I kept telling myself, “my birthday will be a tell-all. If he acknowledges it, he is just keeping a distance, if he ignores it, he’s being a brat again”.
      He ignored it. With that, I sent him what was probably a long overdue, tough love letter. Explaining my hurt, disappointment and anguish with the idea that I will have to somehow find peace if he is truly happier with me out of his life. Right or wrong, I also included that he need to return all the borrowed items if in fact he was removing us from his life.

      It was tough to do before, but after the divorce I worked so hard to keep a peaceful and safe environment for the kids, a refuge from the chaos of their dad’s house. I have letters from my son expressing gratitude for that, but for some reason he forgets and turns to blaming me for something I can’t defend or even apologize for.

      I’m confused, hurt, angry, conflicted and unsure of the next step. How tough is tough love? When is enough, enough? Why am I the one to blame? So many questions and so few answers.

      • #91566
        Avatarpeachy19
        Participant

        Oh the games they play! I can so relate ! I always feel like one minute we are ok having some small talk then what happens who knows no contact at all except now its back to are you going to pick up your gd from school , when will you bring her home . I ask myself Who is this person!!! What kind of relationship is this , do I want to play so I can see my gd. As for Holidays I have no expectations and my birthday he might text me again this year with a happy b day and thats it , so I will not hold my breathe and work on me and pray he is ok and that I will be ok I say take care of you!!!

    • #91557
      Avatarsunflowermom
      Participant

      Hello, my daughter has been estranged from us (me, my husband and two adult sons) for a total of about 5 years now. The first time lasted about 2 years; she got back in contact when my mother died (she had helped me take care of her) and that lasted almost a year before she informed me via email that she was done “checking in” and would only contact me/us if something major happened, like an illness or if she moved. Ironically, I found out second hand that both of these circumstances have happened to her, but she never contacted us directly.
      At this point, most of the time I can concentrate on my everyday life and although I think about her every single day, I can cope. But too frequently for my liking, something will trigger me and I have a (usually private) meltdown. I’ve read on this website some comments about a broken heart. While I have not experienced the symptoms most people describe, it still feels like a punch to the gut, a feeling of extreme distress and hopelessness that this could be a permanent situation, and I would absolutely describe this as having a broken heart.
      When I first realized five or so years ago what the situation was and that she was angry and didn’t want contact, I was hurt and totally devastated. I don’t handle stress well and it affects me physically– I tend to break out in rashes. Shortly after our falling out, I had the worst breakout ever of hives all over.
      Anyway, I am glad to have found this online group and thanks for the invite. The feeling of loneliness and isolation is one of the hardest parts of this whole thing to cope with.

    • #91594
      AvatarMum
      Participant

      Hello SUNFLOWERMOM,

      Welcome to a safe, loving place to try to understand and cope with estrangement, however severe. Sheri’s book “Done With The Crying” is highly recommended for all levels of estrangement. This forum is a safe, nonjudgemental place to come to vent, or sometimes just to read other’s posts without posting yourself, to know you are not the only one in this silent epidemic. There are many wonderful, wise parents here with some good suggestions on how to cope through all of this.

      Please try to take care of yourself through this journey and know you have done the best as a parent and don’t deserve this estrangement. It is something in our estranged children. Us parents are not perfect, that is for sure, but we did the best we could at the time.

      Eat a healthy meal and take a walk and try to focus on some good things in your life. Sometimes we have to purposefully redirect our nightmarish ruminations of our estranged children. We can’t make other people behave properly, only ourselves.

      Many blessings to you,
      Mum

    • #91739
      AvatarEliza54
      Participant

      My son and I have been estranged for 8 years. He has communicated with me a handful of times on FB and I have seen him face to face once a year and a half ago before he moved out of state. He is angry with me about his childhood and I have taken responsibility for not being the parent he needed and for the messed up things I did. I have apologized many times and have asked him to forgive me and could we move forward slowly and work on a relationship and if that meant him verbalizing to me what he is so angry about, I would listen. He has not responded to my pleas or apologies and chooses to remain angry and not deal with any of his issues regarding me. I work daily on accepting this and am trying to live my life well and move on as there is nothing I can do to reach him. I will continue to let him know that I love him and will always be here if he wants to talk, but I know he is shut down and shut off from myself as well as the rest of my family. I have days when I feel heartbroken and let myself cry and days when the guilt threatens to consume me. The rest of the time I work on me and moving forward and living a good life.

    • #91775
      Avatarrattlesnake
      Participant

      Eliza54,
      Without knowing more of your back story, often it seems that today’s generation thinks they should be angry with us because we were not “perfect” while forgetting that nobody is perfect, including themselves. Do you really think his childhood was as bad as he seems to claim?

      Maybe you will share more but it seems you are blaming yourself but don’t even really know what he is angry about. Maybe you are not being fair to yourself. Anyway, I hope you find some comfort here.

    • #91825
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Eliza 54, there are no perfect parents so if you son thinks you should have been perfect he surely will be disappointed. We have all made mistakes and he has too. When you son makes mistakes you have not shunned him. You have apologized and there is nothing else you can do. Our children doesn’t realize that the cruelest thing you can do to a parent is shun them. We know you hurt and pain. It’s always on your mind and you do everything you can to fit it because that is what a parent does. Unfortunately, we as parents cannot fit the estrangement because it was not our decision. The best we can do is learn to cope with the hand we were given.

      Sheri’s book, Done With The Crying helped me cope and continue to live my life and I’m sure it will help you as well. There are exercises in each chapter that will help you change your focus to things you can control. This is a safe place and you will find kindness and understanding here.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #91887
      AvatarTeenMom
      Participant

      My daughter will be 28 and after her many attempts to block me out of her life, this last one it’ll be a year next month, I actually want to leave it as is. I’m tired of trying to mend a relationship that was never there. I was a teen mom and did everything I could do to be the best mom and it just seems like it all backfired. Her father was in and mostly OUT of her life but once she graduated from college ( I paid for) they became close and now he is the best father and her stepmom is her new mom. I want her to be happy in life so if not having me in it makes her happy I’m going to learn to be at peace with that. Some think I’m selfish and cold for feeling this way but I have a life too and it can’t revolve around a child that does not love or care about me.

    • #91900
      Avataritried
      Participant

      Oh TeenMom, can I relate with your feelings. As parents its heartbreaking to think that our kids are happier without us in their lives, but as parents, it is just another sacrifice we are willing to make, for the sake of our children.
      I frequently find myself wondering, at what point does hanging on and chasing just hurt us more and delay our own happiness. I have always been one to hope for the best, but I also prepare for the worst. A realistic optimist, I guess. But when is enough, enough?

    • #91906
      Avatarbreakfree
      Participant

      When you have done all in your power to make things right then that’s when you realize you deserve to live your life…if we waited for our estranged children to come back into our lives then before you know it our lives have been wasted. I always hold hope for mine but until that day comes or ever comes I owe it to myself to start living…that’s what you have to tell yourself. 😐

    • #92122
      Avatarwhitebutterfly
      Participant

      Hello, I am “white butterfly” I am a 56 year old mother to a son 38 and a daughter 35. Each of my adult children have 3 children, so I am, was grandma to 6. I feel as though I lost 8 children and all at the same time. Lots of days it is almost to much to bear. I physically hurt I long so badly to have them all back in my life. Both of my children have played this abandoning mom game that almost kills me. First was my son, just after my breast cancer diagnosis he vanished from my life for no reason that I was aware of. I tried everything to contact him with no response of any kind. I finally emailed him after about 3 months and said I was going to call the local police where he lived to check on him as I had no idea what was going on. He then decided to respond to me telling me not to embarrass him by sending the police to his home. He said I do not need or want you in my life so just leave me alone!
      I was devastated and clueless. We had always been close and I couldn’t imagine why he was treating me like this. He was gone from my life for 2.5 years, during which time my only grandson was born, whom I never got to see or know as an infant. After 2.5 years he told his sister he would like to reconcile with me but I had to promise to never ask him WHY he had choose to abandon me. Of course I agreed, anything to just have him and my grandchildren back in my life, he also had 2 young daughters when he disappeared from my life. We saw each other maybe 3 or 4 times a year after that. Now he has gone again, this time it’s been about 5 or 6 weeks so far.

      My daughter has made her own life a living hell with many bad choices. She remarried again after having 2 daughters already. Her new husband is a heavy drinker and very mean to her girls. After his first time abusing my middle granddaughter I turned him into the police. My daughter was very anger and vowed to not have anything to do with me for “over stepping” and calling the police on her husband. She was then estranged for 2 years. At the end of the second year my nephew was murdered. She came to the funeral and we reconciled for about 8 months. Then her husband again hit my granddaughter in the head and face at MY home! I witnessed this one. I again called the police and CPS, who did nothing! So now she is gone again, we just passed the first year at the end of August this time.

      I miss my grandchildren and want to be able to be part of their lives so badly. I do understand what has happened to my own children as they were not raised at all how they are acting and the things they are accepting as normal. I am broken, so broken with out them all. 🙁

    • #92211
      Avatarrattlesnake
      Participant

      Whitebutterfly,

      That is awful! It seems that many of us end up here because we absolutely needed to protect our grandchildren from abuse but the parents call that “overstepping” and CPS often seems to either do nothing, or somehow to make it worse. I didn’t call CPS on my son and his wife but I surely thought of it.

      I do understand there is a fine line where some “overstep” but when it is abuse, it is abuse and we are told we should report that. But sadly, I think more often than not, the abusers end up knowing who reported and take it out on that person. And what is worse the abuse continues.

      They were abusing my grandchildren but it was more emotional with some physical (bootcamp style punishment, pushups, running around the house, going to bed without supper, forcing them to eat food they don’t like until they vomit, and then forcing them to bed without supper and forcing them to eat any of it that remained the next day for breakfast. Oh and grounding weeks on end, with one of the criteria being “no visiting Grandma.” DIL also told them they were the “worst children she has ever dealt with” right in front of their mother when she returned them early one weekend since she could not stand to be around them any more.

      This became extreme after this woman married my son and yes, a couple of times I said something, or took actions to protect them, and that is what has landed me on this forum. My DIL is a social worker and his informed me many times that she “knows what children need.”

      How odd that your son makes such a big deal of you not being allowed to ask why he became estranged in the first place. And cruel.

      I hope you find some comfort here, Whitebutterfly.

    • #92213
      AvatarSpero
      Participant

      Hello to everyone.
      First my user name. I was stuck when prompted to choose something that “makes you smile” because I’m feeling so very sad right now, so I chose the Italian term for “I Hope”. I am not Italian but it seems like a good way to focus. Not that I hope for reconciliation, but I hope for my spirits to lift and my focus to shift off my emotions to healing and moving on.

      Briefly: Estranged from my first born son for most of the past 15 years. Now estranged from my oldest daughter for a few days. This includes two grandchildren, one I barely know and one who has been a huge part of my life for 7 1/2 of his 10 years of life. I’m fortunate to have two daughter who see through the garbage of these attacks and are supportive and still part of my life.

      I have served as caregiver for my elderly mother until her death this past April at age 96. So I’m working on the grief and loss of purpose. I have had a couple of injuries so I ‘m dealing with pain and limited mobility right now. I donated my copy of Sheri’s amazing book just a couple months ago in hopes that someone who needed it would find and and now I NEED IT! I may just buy another copy.

      Anyway that is the overview for now. Thanks for hosting this site. I Hope, SPERO, to heal and contribute.

    • #92401
      AvatarGreta
      Participant

      I was dumped about 6 days ago, my husband got dumped almost two years ago. We both came from broken, alcoholic homes but did massively better for our two daughters. One of them is our best friend and then there’s the other. She was a difficult toddler but we still had a good life and while I stayed home, my husband worked hard and gave us all the things that make life fun and pleasurable. And in between his working, we were with our kids always, took holidays together, life was grand.

      When we moved back to the other side of the country so I could be close to my aging mother, was when the ED cut off my husband. His crime? He was irritated that she never, ever returned his calls and had the nerve to ask her to call back once in a while. Big fight, she cut him off but I managed to apologize and ‘make up’ and our now hobbled relationship continued on sort of.

      I wrote to her, called her maybe once a month just to keep in touch and each month would send a card, a letter or a little gift to the two kids, alternating months. There was no big fight, no disagreement, no Grandmotherly bending of rules regarding the kids……..and 6 days ago I got a massive text telling me ‘she wanted out because there is no trust’. I have no idea what that means, nor do I have a clue why she’s done this. She’s also blocked her sister on social media (without there being a fight) and I’m not sure yet if she’s blocked my mother whom she did have a good relationship with. Time will tell on that, because I haven’t mentioned any of this yet to my mother in case they are still tight and I don’t want to be the cause of screwing that up.

      This whole thing is a massive mystery to all of us who do know what’s going on.

      • #92432
        AvatarHayleyD
        Participant

        Greta, I’m sorry you’re going through this mess, and welcome to the forum.

        Where your daughter has been difficult since she was a toddler, I wonder if she might have some sort of personality or other disorder that is impacting her ability to relate to people. I say this because this cutting people off for no reason is very common in people with borderline personality disorder. They tend to see life as either brightest white or blackest black with no in between. Same with people–you’re either the most wonderful person who ever lived or Satan himself.

        My sister has traits of borderline personality disorder and I can’t begin to tell you the chaos I’ve been through every time I’ve seen her in the last 35 years. Things will seemingly be going well, and then all of a sudden she goes into a meltdown or blows sky high over some perceived wrong. It happens like clockwork. She’s cut me off numerous times–we’re presently on about our 4th long-term estrangement which is fine with me as I can’t take the drama.

        After reading so many stories on this forum, I’ve come to the conclusion that a large percentage of the estrangements, especially with daughters involves things like borderline personality disorder as women tend to suffer from it more than men.

    • #92499
      AvatarDanelle
      Participant

      Hello fellow parents. I am new to this forum and have benefited from reading others stories. I became a single mom 4 years ago when my teenager informed me that she never wanted to see her father again mostly because of the way he had spent the the past 11 years after our divorce denigrating me. I had our parenting agreement changed and as part of the new agreement insisted on counseling to help them resolve their relationship. After 1 yea of counselling she felt there was little change in their relationship and has since only seen him periodically.

      This year became particularly troublesome as she felt that she should be able to continue living with me as an adult but not follow house rules. The rules were simple – no curfew or restrictions but instead allow her to make her own schedule and simply communicate it to me or inform me of any changes. After 9 months of her not following this one rule and having endless discussion about it I asked her to leave for a few days. She refused but ultimately left for 5 weeks and went to her dad’s house. She returned after much discussion and agreement that she would follow this one rule but after 2 weeks it was clear she wasn’t respecting her agreement and I told her I could not continue this way. We had a nasty argument that involved the police. She left that night and went back to her dad’s. She has informed me that she wants nothing to do with me and believes that I am responsible for all her problems. Her father is now beaming that she has finally come to his side.

      While I do not think this is a good place for her to be, I am thankful that at least she is physically safe with him.

      At this point she will not acknowledge my texts or phone calls which are on average twice per week. She has stated that this is not her home and will not even accept any responsibility for her pets which were left with me.

      I am so sad and still cry at least daily but at the same time realize that I could not continue living as we were.

    • #92566
      AvatarMamaCoco75
      Participant

      Glad to be here and glad to have finally found a group that involves what seems like a taboo subject today.

      I will make my story as short as possible. I am a daughter estranged from my father for over 20 years and would love to be in his life again but not sure where to start the healing with us. I now am the proud parent of not 1 but both of my oldest daughters who blame me for everything and for not doing anything for them growing up. My oldest still speaks to me, however 1 week it’s all lovey-dovey and the following is what a bitch I am. My 2nd daughter doesn’t speak to me at all and blames me for everything. I’m at my wits end with all this crap. I tried everything possible to raise responsible, respectful, caring kids while working 60 hours a week to make sure they were taken care of. 4 years ago I had a meltdown and serious health issues and because it was not all about THEM that is when all this shit of me not doing anything for them.

      I am hurt and angry with both of them and not sure where to turn to.

    • #92568
      AvatarTrees123
      Participant

      Hello Danelle,

      I’m so sorry all this has happened to you. You have taken a big step in seeking out this forum and reading about all other similar scenarios.

      Mine involves estrangement from my adult children when their father left me 2 years ago. We are now divorced but inspite of my effort to establish a good relationship with each of them independent of their father, they remain estranged from me. Their father played the victim to them even though he was having a secret affair while we were married. Playing the victim card and being Disneyland Dad at the same time has worked well for him. Not so good for me. I have asked and begged to get them both to see my counselor so we could try and establish a basis for a relationship. They both have refused.

      Your divorce is obviously a factor in your daughter’s choices. She is probably running to the only adult right now who will give in to her requests. We will see how long her Dad can tolerate her. Odds are she will be inconvenient to him at some time in the future. Question to you is: What basic must follow rules will she have to sign on to before you take her back?

      I know this hurts deeply right now. Believe me, I feel your pain. Try all the stress relieving ideas in Sheri’s book. They do help.
      Trees123

    • #92650
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      MamaCoco75, as far as estrangement from your father goes, I guess the first place to start is with a phone call. Perhaps make some small talk and see if he is open to establish a fresh relationship.

      I’m sorry you are feeling the hurt of abandonment, rejection and shunning from your daughters. If you read up on shunning you will certainly read it is the cruelest thing you can do to someone. It is emotionally devastating. You cannot change people, their actions or their minds. You can set boundaries on acceptable behavior. Unfortunately, if your children are not communicating with you there is nothing you can do to make them communicate with you. I guess a question come to my mind, was there anything your father could have done or said that would have changed your mind? Probably not. Sheri wrote a book that has been very helpful for me and I think it will be helpful to you as well. Done With The Crying also offers exercises that will help you cope with estrangement.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #92715
      Avatargratefulone
      Participant

      I am glad there is a place I can go where I no longer feel alone, My 30 year old daughter rejected me in January of 2014. My mother had just died from Alzheimer’s and my 28 year marriage ended (not my choice). I was in a world of pain, these things happen simultaneously just 2 months prior. She met me at Starbucks and told me I have to stand on my own 2 feet and stop wallowing in pity. She announced she found me a dish washing job, When I said at 57 years old I was not up to it she got up and walked away, never looking back.
      Fast forward 3 years. I got a stage 3 cancer diagnosis, so she came back into my life. I am in remission and I was so happy. She gave me my only grandchild last year. But now she said she is tired of my aches and pains and insisted I take CBD oil. I have aches and pains because of 6 rounds of heavy nduty chemo, steroids, and 5 weeks of radiation, plus aging to boot. When I said I am ok with the aches just so glad to be alive she walked away again (my biggest fear for 3 years). But this time she cut me off from my beautiful granddaughter. The pain is so intense I can’t breath.

    • #92716
      AvatarEllieMae
      Participant

      Hi everyone,

      Mom of 3 sons, all adults in their late twenties/early thirties. It is the 2nd one that has pulled away from our family.

      I can see that since he was about 18 he has separated from the brood. He has always been especially contentious with our oldest son. They are very different. Son #1 has pretty much had the philosophy of “let’s agree to disagree” – son #2 wants everyone to think and act just like he does.

      About 18 months ago, son #2 gave me and husband an ultimatum that we have to choose either him and his family or son #1. My response was “NO.” And I coupled that with “one child is not telling me to choose another. Ever.” Son #2 reasons for this is political differences. Son #1 is very conservative and Son #2 is very liberal. Son #1 doesn’t care what another person’s views are. Son #2 calls people names and swears at them for not believing as he does.

      He was separated from our entire family that time for two months. In that time, I did send greeting cards to the grandchildren, as well as books – something I have always done since they were born. I didn’t change my pattern at all. I sent son #2 a letter that told him simply I love him and he knows where to find me.

      He did finally reach out and tell me that he wants his kids to know their grandparents.

      So, we go along for few months till the holidays come in 2018 and once again, he entered a separation – this time preceded by refusing to shake son #1 hand at Christmas time and also refusing to be in any pictures with him.

      Things go along in a walking-on-eggshells manner through the middle of August. Husband and I have the grandkids overnight for several lengthy visits when Son #2 and his wife go out of town. Come August, my husband is visiting Son # 2 (they live 2 hours away) and is to help do a project at their home. Son #2 decides – after husband makes the trip there – that he cannot have him in his house and around his kids because of his political views (husband is very conservative, similar to Son #1). This is nothing new. Son #2 packs up his father’s belongings and tells him to leave. It is, according to both, a calm conversation. Husband told son #2 that he respects him for standing up for what he believes but he disagrees with how he is shunning his own father.

      Son #2 has unfriended and blocked all family on Facebook. Even though he told me that he wants ME to have a relationship with him, his wife and kids, he sent me a message that told me to “F*** this family” before he also blocked me. That was on September 5. I have not attempted to reach out to him at all since that time.

      So, for the last 6 weeks, Son #2 has been sending husband all kinds of links about the political issues he feels are important and why he thinks his father’s views are not only wrong, but hateful. He has called his father foul names. My husband has not responded.

      The last messages were sent to my husband this past weekend.

      The whole thing makes me feel crazy and sad and wondering, “where did I go wrong?”. I did an online search on estranged adult children and found this site and Sheri’s book.

      That’s my story so far. I’m in a place now where I am choosing to be mindful of what I am doing each day, but also feel like I need to guard my heart.

      ~EllieMae

    • #92720
      AvatarOnwithlife
      Participant

      While I have been following this forum for about a month now this is the first time posting. We have ES who we have been on and off with for a little over 20 years. The last estrangement has lasted almost 3 years and was started when he decided not to divorce his wife, after we had paid for the divorce, this was the third divorce that we had paid for, along with rent, getting cars out of repossession, attorneys and airfare for back support, etc. At the time they were living in a home, which we had purchased for them to rent for one year as they were moving back home. The agreement was a rent to own and rent was exactly our cost in the first year. As the years went on we never raised the rent although obviously our expenses, taxes and insurance did increase. All of this for a child who was making 6 figures. After they were home approximately 5 years his wife had an affair with their pastor. He filed for divorce and she had him removed from the home. During the next few months she threatened to burn down the house, the one they were renting from us. Our 3 grandchildren were forced to call the police over abuse and we were told there was nothing we could do. She did finally move to an apartment and our son was back to the house. They then spent a couple of months and decided to reconcile, and remain at the church. They quit paying rent and when faced with her moving back we said no as the previous threat was a part of legal records and should they ever have a fire we were at risk of losing the house. Since then they have moved 6 hours away without informing us because the pastor was transferred and they followed him. We were kept from communicating with our GD’s until the past year or so when we have been texting with them, but have had no meaningful contact in three years. Communication with ES has been sparse and normally when he finds family news to which he feels entitled to know and he calls to tell us what horrible people we are. We have asked on multiple occasions to sit and talk and he has refused to do so although he is aware without communication there can be no resolution. Although his story is that this is not true since he has never said no to communicating, he simply does not answer. Recently his grandmother had some medical issues and he called while she was in the hospital with another 20 minute tirade on how horrible we are and he has a right to know. He does not stay in contact with either of his living grandparents other than maybe a once a year quick visit if he is in town. This is the point I found Sheris book. It has been a lifesaver for me and the writing has made me see things so much clearer. Like why do I allow him to berate me for 20 minutes! This last conversation I did express that he needs to look at his responsibility in all of this and let us know when he is ready to talk. I believe that this was a bit of a wake up call and I did indeed receive a birthday message several weeks later. There have been further developments with his grandmother and we made it clear that it his responsibility to be in contact with her, not ours to keep him updated. Yesterday we received an invitation to our youngest granddaughter’s Grandparents Day. As he travels extensively we asked who would be attending as his wife can be quite volatile and we would not want to put our granddaughter in a position to be embarrassed. The pastor that they followed also has a child we believe is in the same school and if we would be forced to sit with his family we could not do that. Our ES blew up will not give us this information and said we either or don’t and that this is the problem in our relationship that we question to much. We so want to see our granddaughter but I am afraid this is not a good idea given that we are walking into a public school event, at the school his wife works and seeing each other without first having spoken after 3 years of estrangement. How I wish things were different and we could just go and enjoy a typical fun grandparents day. Thanks to all for sharing your stories and opening my eyes to so much.

    • #92744
      Dazed_and_confusedDazed_and_confused
      Participant

      MamaCoco75,

      You stated, “I tried everything possible to raise responsible, respectful, caring kids while working 60 hours a week to make sure they were taken care of.”

      Here is the thing with kids. If you work your butt off to support them all they remember is that you didn’t do homework with them. If you don’t work your butt off then you didn’t do enough to support them. Mental health issues? I was so depressed after divorcing my abusive husband I wanted to die. I got help, I got drugged up by the doctor and barely made it through my days until they were teens and a self-help book helped me drag myself out of the hole I had been living in. Kids DO NOT CARE. When a child grows up and decides you weren’t good enough, the more you try to explain, the more they say you should have done the opposite for them.

      I worked a gazillion hours a week and went to school so eventually, I would only have to work a million hours a week. I had sitters that they didn’t like, so that was abusive. I had my mom watch the kids and they’d leave her house and hang out with friends at home, therefore I “left them alone at the house”. (Scratching my head here.) I didn’t help them with their homework? They lied and said they didn’t have any plus the school never called to say there was a problem but that is my fault.

      They will take and take and take until there is nothing more to give, then they reject you. I am bitter but I am DONE. My advice is to let it go. Get on with your life. Eat ice cream. Go on a cruise. You will never be good enough in their eyes so the sooner you let go the sooner you can be happy.

      Yah, I’m still working on it. I am though, following my own advice.

    • #92760
      Avatarskatergirl
      Participant

      Hello everyone,

      I have just discovered this forum, and there are two things that stand out.
      !. there is a huge community of loving strong parents who are amazing, brave and true warriors.
      2. for the first time in a long time I do not feel alone.
      My ES is my only child, I am an only child with both parents deceased. I am also a single woman. my son and DIL have been together since 8th grade. After 8 years of inner torment, silence and trying to make her accept me I finally gather my courage and wrote an email letting it all out. I had enough of supporting them, acquiescing to her and going against every gut instinct I had to keep them in my life.
      She blocked me on FB, I knew I was not working with adults at this point. My son has always felt in the middle so I removed myself from the toxic situation.
      I had deep depression for the last 2 years , many hospitals stays and a host of auto immune diseases and then finally have reached a point of acceptance. I don’t want to look back and regret wasting my life on something I have no control over.
      Some days are rough, but I love this forum and I see myself in so many posts. Thank you all for being so brave and vulnerable, I am very grateful to all of you !

    • #92901
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Skater girl, welcome and I’m so glad you have been reading all the post. You will find many parents that are in the same situation. I also have an only child so I know your loss. It’s a hard pill to swallow for sure. The estrangement was not your decision, it is a cruel punishment and unfortunately we don’t have control over it. All we can do is accept their decision, honor their wishes and leave them alone. I would like to suggest reading “Done with the Crying”. It can be ordered online. Sheri’s book and the kind people here helped me so much. The guidance of how to move forward and take care of my own emotional needs is what got me through. Please post anytime you need support or chime in if you would like to offer advice to others.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #92925
      AvatarSouthpaw
      Participant

      Hello!
      I am new to this forum. This is a place, much like all of you, that I never thought I would be! I have four children who I would give my life for. This estrangement from my second oldest son only began four months ago. I may be different in the fact that I have not tried to reconcile. I feel as though that ball is in his court. I know that I did nothing wrong and I will not apologize for something I did not do! This is his issue. He has never verbalized to me why he has stopped speaking to me so as far as I’m concerned when he can act like an adult (he is 32 and married) and have an adult conversation we may be able to move forward. I say may be able to move forward because last year around the same time he stopped speaking to me. I believe his reason was he did not like my attitude. At that time I was caring for my mother with dementia who lived with us. Taking care of someone with dimentia can be heart wrenching and very frustrating to say the least! While his two younger siblings helped out as much as possible with their grandmother and could understand my frustration my ES spent maybe 5 minutes a week with her! He had no clue how hard it was! He had plenty of opportunity to help and spend time with his grandmother because he and his wife were living with us at that time bc their lease was up on their apartment and they were waiting to make settlement on their new house. He chose not to spend his time with her or helping out! I refuse to be the person who makes amends or begs for his forgiveness only to walk on eggshells for fear that if I say or do something he doesn’t like I will be cut off again! All of this started when he got engaged! I started noticing changes in his personality and the way he was treating us (myself, my husband and his siblings). His wife who I still speak to comes from a very wealthy family. Even though I have tried to keep my relationship with her separate from my relationship from my son I do feel that she has influenced some of his behavior. It has always been clear to us that while she won’t come right out and say it she feels her family is superior to ours. With that said my ES is an adult and makes is own choices. If he chooses to compare us to his in-laws so be it! He was raised better than this with loving parents and loving grandparents that set an example for him growing up. If he decides he would like to reconcile it will have to be on my terms! I will not let this estrangement control my life! I have the most amazing husband and three other adult children who I love and love me. I have a grandson from my oldest son and his wife who is smart and funny and he also loves me! Thank you to everyone hear for sharing your stories and for giving me a place to feel comfortable sharing mine. I have not read Sherri’s book yet but it is definitely on my to do list!

    • #93011
      AvatarSunshinenurse
      Participant

      Hi, I guess I don’t quite know when my daughter disowned me to be honest it’s been happening for the last seven years on and off I say that because halfway during that time there was an ongoing custody battle between myself and her grandparents, she is now almost 18. Over the years there has been times she would reach out with texts then say hateful and hurtful things towards me. I feel like no one in my social circle really knows what I’m going through I worry I’m never going to have a relationship with her she is so very angry at me. She recently told me to $&@? Off and that she doesn’t need my kind of negativity in her life when all I did was shoot a message asking her how school and everything was going on general. Anyways I found this group because there is honestly no support group for anything like this where I live,when there seems to be a support group for a lot of other
      Issues. I would just like some advice maybe someone else can offer some words of wisdom on being an estranged parent something anything I feel so heartbroken and lost.

    • #93091
      AvatarLacy
      Participant

      Our family went to church every Sunday. I was a stay at home Mom. I worked one day a week and my Mom watched our son and daughter.
      Our son stared dating a girl that was not good for him. When the wedding came we weren’t really included in the wedding. His sister had no part in it. They had the wedding shower on the day we were to move our daughter to college. So my Mom and sister in law went to the shower.
      The marriage lasted 9 months. Her lawyer said our son was drinking, gambling, and other women. I couldn’t believe my son would be doing that. He tried to commit suicide. The counselor said he had major issues with me.
      Meet another woman. Got married as soon as his annualment was put through. They had two boys 14 months apart. His wife left him. We find out during the divorce trial that he had an affair with a 17 year old and had another son. So he had 2 women pregnant at the same time.
      He moved in another woman after his 2nd wife left him. He had supervised visits with his 2 sons put on him and the boys could only be with him if he was with us.
      He called to tell us that the woman was moving out. Than a week later he was moving in with another woman. Than he married the woman after only knowing her about 2 months. Than 2 months later they tell us she is pregnant. We were so upset. She also had a son from another relationship.
      For 9 years while he has been with his 3rd wife it has been awful. She would want him out of the house and than back. We can see the grandkids, we can’t. We have no rights to the grandkids. She does but we don’t. During one time the police were called to their house she was to leave and not take the baby with her. Than we find out there is another baby from the woman he lived with after 2nd wife left. That baby was adopted. So now he has had 2 sets of women pregnant at the same time.
      This is like my worst nightmare. I have never know anyone that had this in their life.
      His wife now has had him thrown in jail twice. Has had 2 affairs. Our son had a drug overdose when she was trying to get him our of the house to be with her boyfried. She told everyone he tried to kill himself. The lung specialist at the hospital while he was on life support said he didn’t take what his wife said he took. She hovered over him the whole time at the hospital. Than at night she was with her boyfriend. We believe she tried to kill him.
      My parents paid for a vestocomy so our son couldn’t have anymore children. His wife was upset that her brother was having his second child so she had our son move out. They were to take a break from each other for 3 months. She has another boyfriend. Our son finds a woman online. Wife gets pregnant, boyfriend didn’t know she was married and didn’t want the child. So our son moves back in with her and he ends up taking care of baby because she is tired after working 40 hours and runs around with her Mom and friends, while he stays home after working 40 to 50 hours and takes care of her son, their daughter, and the baby that isn’t his. He worked nights and weekends so they wouldn’t have to pay for daycare. So when his 2 sons came for their weekend visits he was working on Friday evenings and Saturday’s and didn’t see them, they are with his wife.
      We told him if he went back to her we were done. She had done many things to us in the past and we were done. His wife wants him to give up all his kids and they just have her 3 kids from 3 different men.
      Two months ago the 2 boys were here for their 2 week visitation for the summer. His wife didn’t want them there. She went off on the boys and scared them. She was yelling they needed to get out of the house or she was going to hurt them, will leave their Dad, and their Dad starts yelling at the boys why are you ruining my life? She chased them and broke one of the boys guitar. When our son and daughter in law left them in their room they boys escaped out a window and ran to our house 1 1/2 miles in their socks scared to death. Begged me to take them back to their Mom’s. We left and my husband said you need to make a police report because they will call and say you kidnapped them. Son didn’t call till 2 hours later, asked if I knew where the boys were. Told him I was taking them back to their mother. He started yelling and cussing me out. His wife is screaming in the background. He says he is calling the police and filling kidnapping charges on me. I never mentioned we had gone to the police.
      The police did call me but once I gave them our case number it was okay.
      He called back furious that I made a police report against his wife. He said we would never see our granddaughter again and he will never pay another payment on the school loan that my husband cosigned 13 years ago.
      He did not make the payments so we went ahead and paid it off. Our son hasn’t talked to his Dad since we took the boys back.
      He had to go to court about supervised visits. Judge said he had to pay $750 for the guardian ad litem and the supervised visits. His wife will not let them use their money for his boys. So he will not see them. So when the judge said he will keep supervised visits on him she was sitting behind our son and she was shaking her head, YES. The judge ordered a drug test before he left and he failed it. So he is still taking drugs. The boys says he drinks all the time.
      His wife does have a protection of abuse order on her until a trial in Nov. It is sad but it is a relief that they can not be near his boys. The boys are having nightmares. They are going to counseling.
      Right now it is like a death all over again. I haven’t really had a relationship with our son for the last 2 years. But I did get to spend a lot of time with the granddaughther this summer. Now that is over again.
      I am trying to move on. It’s hard to let go of the dream you have for your family. My family is broken but for now it has to be. I will protect my two grandson from them.
      Their mother is letting us see them. Our son doesn’t know that. When they kept the boys from us for 6 months 3 years ago, we got to see them. They got to come to our house. He would be furious.
      I can’t believe that I gave birth and stayed home and raised this person. Loved him with all my heart and he turned out this way. He has many addictions and needs help but like my husband keeps saying he has to get help, we can’t do it for him.
      I am so thankful for this book and website. I felt so alone and you can’t just tell people how awful it really is.

    • #93158
      DottyDotty
      Participant

      Hi Lacy – Welcome to the forum. You will find many strong and wonderful parents here who wonder everyday how we raised the children we raised.

      Your story is horrific. Thank you for being a strong and wonderful person in your grandchildren’s lives.

      Please look after yourself, and keep posting when you are ready.

      Love,
      Dotty

    • #93241
      AvatarLacy
      Participant

      Thank you Dotty.

    • #93242
      AvatarCurlysports
      Participant

      I have come to this forum with the hope of getting through daily life without my daughter at least until she is ready. We have not seen each other for almost 2 years and very little contact. I admit I made mistakes and caused all of this but my apologies go unaccepted which is very hard. I deal daily with extreme sadness with bouts of anger.

      This has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with and I need people to talk to about it that can understand what I’m feeling and also help me navigate what to do next.

      Thank you all and I hope to be able to grow with the help of all of you.

    • #93278
      Avatarbostonbaby22
      Participant

      I haven’t seen my daughter or my granddaughters in over a month now. According to her, I am a malignant narcissist that gaslights her all the time. I have read on these topics until I can’t read anymore (she sends me articles). I have asked my friends (I have a wonderful support group of girlfriends) and they insist I am not these things — that she is playing emotional blackmail with me. She has me doubting my sanity most of the time. When I read these articles she is constantly sending me, I see her not myself. I am just at my wits end. The constant emotional abuse is just too much to bear. It has been going on for at least a year now. Sure I made mistakes in her upbringing. After I divorced, I basically gave her everything and she has never had to face consequences. Anyway, our last texting session I just ended it with “text me when you can forgive me.” I haven’t heard from her, except to receive articles about what is wrong with me, with portions highlighted. I am not responding. She has some depression and anxiety issues and won’t take medication because it is poison. I just don’t know what to do. Until she can get help, I just can’t take any more. My heart is broken.

    • #93312
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Bostonbaby, I’m just being honest here, you cannot control this situation. The only thing you can truly control is your behavior or response. Our children will punish us and control us by blaming us and withholding the grandchildren and in many other ways. Your daughter must feel like she can control you and manipulate you with abusive text and not letting you see the grands. Is there something she wants from you or does she just like to show her power over you? She knows it hurts you to call you those names so she continues to do it. She knows how to push your buttons. You can control your response, you can control receiving the text.

      Don’t fall into the trap and give her the satisfaction of even responding to things that are cruel and abusive. Your response of “I’m not crazy” feeds her to send you more. If it continues then block her number for a while. You deserve to live free of torment. You deserve to be happy. I know you miss your daughter and grands but the price you are paying is your happiness. Your daughter has to realize the issues are her own. She is unhappy and taking it out on you. Until she comes to terms with her issues and problems there is nothing you can do but protect yourself. You cannot be the one to tell her the problem is hers, she will not believe it. If you are not around for a bit and she finds herself not having control over you and she is still miserable she may see the problem is hers. You know your situation and all the pieces to the puzzle. Think about what she would do if you didn’t respond to the cruel text, what she would do if she lost her power and control over you.

      I’m sure you will receive many different things here for advice. I hope one of them is the right one for your situation.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #93552
      AvatarBirdy
      Participant

      Hello everyone, my name is Birdy and im brand new to this site. I purchased the book “done with the crying ” a few months ago, as I knew this situation was happening and i wanted to prepare my mind a little for what was to come. After years off and on depression and anxiety, caused through life’s circumstances and with me being a sensitive person, I have learnt strategies over the years to help me cope. Ive decided I’m NOT going back down that block hole anymore!
      I have read your posts with empathy and love and only wish you were around the corner from me, so I could catch up over a coffee with you and we could give each other a hug. Times like this we cant receive enough hugs. I’m probably in another country, on the other side of the world to you, my story is different, but I hurt like you as I carried this child for 9 months and gave her a home and a life and sometimes I think she forgets I’m still her mum, what happened to respect? RESPECT is the first word that comes to mind and I accept now in this crazy old “imperfect” world of ours has a gone a bit mad.

      I somehow knew I’d need this site so I could vent and understand how others are hurting too, hence not feeling so alone. I’ll tell a bit of my story tomorrow, just sad of course as “I” have decided I deserve respect and I will not, under any circumstances accept anything less. She is one of 3 grown daughters and I don’t want to ruin the rest of my precious time {and hers} on earth grieving for someone who will probably never admit that I have a right to my opinion too as she has. I am who I am the same as she is, we just perceive things differently as we have had different childhoods and life experiences…. The truth of it all is, like that old saying; ‘”you cant put an old head on young shoulders”. I’ll write again tomorrow……….Sending love and warm gentle hugs to you all!

    • #93588
      AvatarMaggie72
      Participant

      Hello All, I am Maggie72. The mother of 2 young adult daughters and grandmother to 1 granddaughter. Like all of you I love my children and never expected that I would need the support of you all. I always thought I had a strong healthy relationship with both of my girls. Their father and I split six years ago and both girls moved with me. One in colllege and the other in high school it was still a difficult time for us all. My oldest daughter couldn’t wait for us to move away from their father. She would say her father didn’t understand her she couldn’t do anything right in his eyes and he always attacked anything she said. Fast forward…. I met someone else and started dating. She became angry and moved her things out of apartment while I was at work and back in with her father.I came home to an empty house. Eventually I moved in with and married my current husband. My daughter met a man ,got engaged, and had a baby. I was there for the birth of my granddaughter, called in the middle of the night their first night home because the baby wouldn’t stop crying to drive to their home and settle the baby, kept the baby at least once a week over night since she was one week old. Five months after my granddaughter was born my daughter left the babies father and asked to move in with me and my husband. We became a family again. We supported her and granddaughter financially and emotionally. We kept the baby on our days off so she didn’t need to pay a sitter. We were there for her first words her first steps, all of her firsts. And then……. she met my future son in law. He moved into our home with in 2 weeks of meeting my daughter. We welcomed him into our home and lives and eventually looked for a bigger home to accommodate all of us and allow us to all have our own space if needed. But somewhere something changed. His family started pushing more and more for them to get their own place, they started to hide in their room. They secretly started looking to buy a house and moved out. She has excluded me from their wedding plans now, does not answer my texts and says that she does nothing right in my eyes, I attack her every decision and that to me everything she does is wrong. I have tried countless times to fix and apologize for something I’m not even sure I’ve done. I routinely message her to ask how they are and that I love them. As all of you have experienced i walk on egg shells, have constant knots in my stomach and cry myself to sleep most nights. I ache for my granddaughter who spent the first 2 years of her life with us. I fear she thinks her grandparents have abandoned her. I feel helpless, i feel alone, and i have no explanation or answers as to how i got here. My child who I’ve lived my entire life for is going to shop for her wedding dress tomorrow and I’m not wanted there. I’m hurt beyond words but even more I’m worried that some day she will feel regret and guilt because i dont want my daughter to feel one ounce of pain. I feel for all of you as well and it saddens me to know there are so many of us in this position. I should also add that i have a wonderful relationship with my other daughter who has bern nothing but supportive. She fears that if she defends me to her sister she will cut her out of her life as well.

    • #93811
      Avatarsleeplessinseattle
      Participant

      Bless, I am 1 year into therapy and am now tiptoeing out into the world (online world lol)
      <i>. . . . . . . hellooooooo . . . . . . . </i>

      I am so grateful for the opportunity to read the well written posts within this community – oh how well you each speak of this experience. And grateful to Sheri… so, so, so grateful♥

      <b>I have felt ever so alone.</b> And confused. And betrayed. And anxious— “MY BABY! I HAVE TO HELP HER!” And angry: “WHY?!!!! Why, !!!WHY!!!! did you do this terrible abusive stuff that will damage you so much my Gift from God. And repelled by the injustice of it all to both of us- “YOU are HURTING ME – ON PURPOSE! No! No, don’t do this – you aren’t strong enough to claw your way back- oh you are choosing something you don’t understand the cost of.”

      <b>And fearful as this is possible.</b>

      Yes, a loved (so very much) and a loving child can become an abuser — a truly diabolical, intimately informed abuser: socially maligning and financially terrorizing and legally jeopardizing abuser, who lays in wait to launch additional cruelties armed with untruths that seemingly are believed by her.
      UN-POSSIBLE!

      <b>But it is all true. </b>

      Like unchosen emotional skydiving- I can reach out to others as we find our find our way through.

      <b>Shock and awe. </b>Thank you all for sharing community with me.

    • #93850
      AvatarHeaven
      Participant

      Hello everyone, I am having trouble logging in and so am trying once again, am trying a different way now, so please could someone let me know if they can see this.
      Love from a UK mum xx

    • #93880
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Welcome to sleeplessinseattle,

      and to Maggie72.

      I am sorry you are in this awful situation, but glad you are here. We do comprehend the distress.

      It is such a terrible and confusing experience, but you are not alone. We understand.

      Needothers

    • #93942
      AvatarWillowtree
      Participant

      Hello everyone – so grateful to be a part of this group. My daughter has not talked to me or her father or sister in about 3 months (4 months for her sister). For her sister it’s because she doesn’t need her to pick up her kids etc. When she needs her sister she is very warm and loving. My ED has always been angry and once in a while there will be a flare up and she won’t speak to me for a while. This time I have no idea why she is angry – our conversations suddenly changed and became very short out of the clear blue- I tried to ignore it but when I asked her to call me when she wasn’t angry she just stopped calling all together. I think my mistake was setting a boundary finally and that made her not in control (we should have done this years ago). Her father texted her over Labor Day weekend and asked her to come and visit us and put everything on the table and figure it out. She said we would yell at her (his response was why would we yell at her – we would never do that). She also stated that she was angry at him because he ignored her (he tried to call her several times but she was busy) the last part of her text was she didn’t want to either one of us. All I know is that it’s my fault but she won’t tell me or her father what I did. I even texted her last Wednesday to please let me know what it is so I can atone for my actions and try to make it right. No response. to either one of us. Thank you everyone for being out there – I had no idea how many of us are in the same boat – feeling like the boat is actually a cruise liner!!! There is such comfort in knowing you are not alone…

    • #93951
      AvatarHopefulfaith
      Participant

      Hi from Hopefulfaith. I am here to be encouraged and hopefully to be an encouragement. Nothing is harder than going through relationship troubles with adult children. I have hopeful faith even as I walk through this thing and that’s what keeps me going.

    • #94198
      AvatarZoe1224
      Participant

      My son left town around 9 years ago. We do speak on the phone occasionally. He is almost 28. He is not on social media at all. Frequently changes his phone number. The last number I had is now disconnected. He is vague about who he lives with and what he does for work. He has nothing registered in his name. Last I knew he lives in Denver, Colorado. He tells me his happy. Now I fear he won’t call me with a new phone number. I just keep thinking about the possibility of never hearing his voice again or seeing his face. I have two other sons who I am very close to ages 22 and 19. I can’t wrap my head around this.

    • #94255
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Zoe1224, I’m so sorry you have lived in this estrangement so long! I know it bad when you absolutely have no contact or no way to contact. For a while this is what is was like with my daughter. There was no one to call and no one who knew anything. It’s a horrible feeling. This was your son’s decision not yours. Unfortunately, we cannot make someone do something we know they should do. It’s not your fault so please don’t self blame. Accepting this is his choice and his way of living is the hardest thing a parent can do. I read Sheri’s book Done with the Crying from Amazon and it helped me understand a lot of things and it helped me learn how to get through the hard days. Perhaps it will h you as well. Welcome to this forum. You have friends here that understand so you are not alone.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #94295
      AvatarPeaf
      Participant

      Please Help…..
      I am a Dad…..a broken one.
      I am a divorced Dad to four grown children, two are mine, two are my wife’s . Three of them I have wonderful relationships with…
      My first born daughter, now 27 has essentially banished me and my family from her life..
      Id love to tell you there has been some “straw that broke the camels back” story, truth…there is not. This has been coming like a slow moving freight train since she was 13-14…I just ignored, or didn’t see where it was headed. There is no doubt that her mother quietly poisoned her and manipulated her away from me.
      Id love to tell you that I wasn’t there, that I had some kind of vice or other life interfering behavior that led to this…again, No! I WAS THERE FOR EVERYTHING…DOCTORS, DENTIST, SCHOOL FUNCTIONS,SPORTS, DANCING…BREAKUPS, DRIVING, GRADUATIONS….ETC EC ETC
      So why am I here? Great question…..I DONT KNOW!!
      My daughter is a college graduate with a Masters Degree, she met her now husband while visiting with us for a week in 2015
      He is a member of the armed forces. Months into her new relationship she informed me she was concerned with his drinking, he is also the child of an alcoholic father. As their relationship evolved she moved from N.J. to where we live in NC to move in with him.
      The first several months with her living 20 minutes away were heaven for us… She felt physically and emotionally close to her… we saw each other 1-2 times a week and talked about life, she sought my advice and I happily gave it, felt great being able to be there for her….
      Soon she started to pull back, we saw her less and less until ultimately she seemed to be completely avoiding us ….
      The person she ultimately married is not a good man, he exhibits all the symptoms of alcoholism…disrespectful and manipulative…I cannot blame him though, as I feel my daughter has allowed this…
      They became engaged in 2018 and I was told via text weeks after…
      They married in late 2018…I was not asked to walk her down the aisle, nor were my wife and I or anyone in “our side” of the family invited…..
      As I sit here in pain writing this, my daughter is about to give birth to my grandson while stationed in California….
      I am confused…every so often she sends out an innocuous text, as if to see if I’m still there…
      I RESPOND IMMEDIATELY, ALL IN!!! Only to have my heart shattered and broken time and time again….
      There’s so much more to this story…..
      I NEED HELP….I MUST LET GO…I MUST ACCEPT THIS AND MOVE ON….
      I love my daughter unconditionally, I place no expectations or unrealistic demands on her…
      All I have ever asked is to be a part of her life but the reality for now is, that’s just not possible…
      How do I cope, accept this and move on…I feel I’m on the doorstep of acceptance, of letting go, however, there are so many feelings attached to this…guilt,fear, abandonment,hurt,sorrow,hopelessness,grief….
      Please Help……..
      I

      • #94481
        Avatar3DogDays
        Participant

        Peaf,
        Thank You for sharing!
        It is so good to hear from the Dads!!! For me, when Dads share it helps me feel so not ‘parent alone’ and Mom guilty.
        3dogdays

    • #94320
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Dear Peaf,

      A little at a time. You don’t have to choose it all in this moment. Do it in small steps. Today, I will focus here
      This morning, I will redirect my thoughts.
      Tomorrow, I will…

      I hope you will read my book. It’ll help you take the steps.

      Hugs to you dear Dad. You’ve been a good one.

      Sheri McGregor

    • #94306
      Avatar3DogDays
      Participant

      Zoe1224,

      Like so many of us You have evidence your 28 yr old son is out in this whacked world CHOOSING to be away from your family! That is so hurtful. All of us on Sheri’s site know the pain of even one child leaving us.

      Your blessing is the You have other children that you are ‘very close to’…Look at what you have! TWO OTHER LOVING SONS! That is a blessing. I would give anything to have other children. To have the awareness of knowing I am loved, respected and still a MOM.

      Embrace them, appreciate them. Be open about what is happening with the one that isolates from all of you.

      That 28 years old son will be 38, 48, 58, 68 and at some point in the aging he may (or not) see why he left an entire family.

      You can wait for him forever, but while you are On The Planes of Regret and Waiting…look at your other two children and be grateful.

      Please Keep sharing…it HELPS all of us!

    • #94334
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Peaf, I’m so sorry you are experiencing estrangement/ rejection from your child. You are not alone, there are many of us in your situation. We know how you feel, you have no control over this bad situation that breaks your heart daily. Sheri’s book, Done with the Crying, really helped me. This book, the exercises in it and the kind people on this forum really helped me from isolation, depression and drowning in my brokenness. It’s more than just reading a book, it’s journaling while reading and doing the exercises. That sounds simple, right, well no, the exercises are asking you to put a lot of thought in your responses and really write out your feelings. It takes time and hard work to find your old self and understand the depth of your feelings and pain and how to cope with it. It’s a start to healing and accepting something you never thought you would have to accept.

      It takes time and a lot of it. Posting here for advice and chiming in if you feel comfortable is another way to learn more about estrangement and being shunned by your child. My child was not neglected or abused, she was loved, adored, educated, respected and yet she did the same to me. We are not bad parents, we are not perfect but mainly good parents who didn’t deserve this cruel treatment. Learning to accept what you cannot change is very hard. Learning to change your focus to behaviors you can control is even harder. Right now, you are probably hurt, angry, sad, even mad and bitter that someone you love could be so cruel to you. We know how you feel and it’s understandable. Please don’t self blame as it’s not your fault. Try to read all the post here and see the advice that is given.

      I understand a 3rd party has influence over your daughter’s thinking and that is also discussed in Done with the Crying along with how to handle holidays and questions from family and so much more. Right now, try to focus on you and the things you can do for yourself to get through the day. The stress alone will take years off of your life so focus on keeping yourself busy with things you enjoy before your health starts to be affected by this trauma. Make plans with family or friends, plan a weekend away, anything to give your mind a break. It’s so hard to let go of it for a bit but it gives you strength to keep moving forward when you do. Baby steps, one step at a time, let your health be your first step. Please let us know how you are doing and how you are taking care of you.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #94363
      AvatarPeaf
      Participant

      Hello All,
      Yesterday, as I wrote my first post I didn’t know whether my daughter gave birth….
      I found out hours after that post that my daughter gave birth to a healthy son, 9.1…
      I do not know his name…thank god my son loves me and stays in close contact ….
      Strangely, I feel relieved that my daughter and her son are doing fine, I know that this comes from my always present concern for her well being…to know that she is ok makes me happy…
      I saw my therapist yesterday afternoon…it helped, she guided me to the basic principle that has always driven me…being a Dad!
      I called my daughter, she didn’t pick up, as I started to leave her a voicemail I couldn’t control the crying, a mix a pain and joy…
      I do not expect a return call, at least not now…I will call again…I Love Her, I am her father, he is my Grandson…I do not like this giant space between us…it is crushing..
      My pain is ever present and is a daily hurdle to overcome…
      I want to be better, healthier, capable of experiencing joy…
      I want to be a better man for my wife and all in my family who love me…
      It seems that all my wife and I ever talk about it “THIS”….I’m so very tired of it
      It’s not fair to my wife who has had my back THROUGH EVERYTHING….
      I often forget that my wife, (not her mom) suffers too…my wife and my daughter used to have an amazing relationship….my daughter would confide in her rather than me at times, understandably, regarding “girl things”…
      We all feel hurt but I feel I’m piloting the SS Pain alone….
      Thank you for listening and for the support…today I will continue to focus on rebuilding my life..

    • #94366
      AvatarArlena
      Participant

      Hi Everyone, I am new to this site, thank you so much for hosting this Sheri, it is such a comfort to know that I’m not alone.
      My 2 daughters have cut me out of their lives. My youngest cut ties with me after she was caught in yet another lie. Somehow, this became my fault, and the angry rant of hurtful texts were the last that I heard from her. My oldest cut me off after I called and requested a closer relationship with her , my grandchild and her husband. This resulted in pure venom and I haven’t heard a word from her since. They have both restricted my Facebook account so I can’t see any posts or pictures.
      My emotions for them are so raw right now, it’s hard to find the words to express how deeply hurt I am. To discover that both of them could so easily discard me, hurts more than I could ever imagine. It also hurts to realize they both don’t care that they hurt me. I never realized how little they cared for me let alone loved me. I foolishly assumed that they loved me like I love them, with my whole heart, and nothing held back.
      I have been thinking a lot these past few days, in truth, I believe the reason this happened was because they were never taught to value or treasure me. I always thought I shielded them from their dad’s emotional abuse of me, but I believe now that he didn’t. By him they were both taught to think less of me than they should have. I now know that he would often go behind my back and undermine and belittle me to both of them. I also can see several times when he would insult me and put me down in front of them. It really hurts to realize that they are victims too. Through their dad’s emotional abuse, they were never taught or allowed to value or treasure me as a Mom. I never realized how bad his emotional abuse was until he passed away. I have achieved a lot of healing since then. I have also remarried to a wonderful man who is at a total loss as to how this could happen.
      We were always so close until this happened. With the holiday’s approaching, for the first time in my life I dread them.
      I welcome any support or encouragement that you can give me,

      • #94405
        AvatarHayleyD
        Participant

        Arlena, welcome to the forum.

        I can relate to what you’re going through as it’s parental alienation syndrome which is what my ex did to me over 30 years ago when our son was still in grade school. He was abusive to me and taught our son to disrespect me so that when we split up, my son refused to live with me. My ex took him to live with his sister’s family and my son refused to move back in with me so I had to let him live with his father or he would have ended up in foster care.

        Today we do have a relationship but it’s solely at his discretion and whim. Fortunately he isn’t abusive or anything, just doesn’t really want the relationship if he had his druthers.

        If you haven’t researched Parental Alienation Syndrome, do so as it will help shed some light on what you’re going through. Search ‘Ryan Thomas, parental alienation syndrome’ on youtube for a lot of good videos about what the kids of this experience, and how to combat it. Ryan’s mother and her family turned him against his father when he was a child, but over the years he came to realize that he’d been lied to and reconnected with his father when he came of age. He has a lot of good advice on how to approach your alienated child.

        The one thing I did was never give up in spite of being told how I wasn’t wanted, to butt out, etc., etc. I think my son knows I love him, and does love me, but we don’t have a lot in common which makes having a close relationship tough. He’s an extreme athlete so I follow his races and that gives up something to talk about. He also lives in another state and I have health issues that makes traveling tough so I don’t see him very often. Just the same, I haven’t given up…

      • #94540
        AvatarArlena
        Participant

        Hayley D, Rattlesnake, and 3DogDays, thank you so much for your replies, it means so much to know that I’m not alone, I’m also sad that I’m not alone. No parent should ever have to go through this. I’m very thankful to have found this group! Thank you all again, blessings to you!

    • #94462
      Avatarrattlesnake
      Participant

      Arlena,

      Sorry you are here! While the undermining by your ex certainly had a negative overall affect, I think we live in a society where this generation looks for reasons to make themselves victims and they seem to be encouraged to “cut people out” of their lives, and if one looks closer, more often than not it is because we have done SO MUCH for them, but the first time we ask for something, or stand up for ourselves, catch them in a lie, or ask them to pay back something they owe, that is the perfect time for them to turn on us and convince their peers and followers they are the victim and we are “toxic.”

      For me, it was standing up for my grandkids who were being emotionally if not physically abused by her. I helped raise them with the blessing and encouragement of both parents. Then a few years after they split, my ES married someone who is an extreme control freak and jealous. She decided to take very calculated measures to put a wedge between my ES and I, and even tried to keep my grandkids away from me. (She ultimately failed with that because the bio mom has assured me that she will never keep me away from those kids, but that makes her even angrier at both me and the bio mom).

      Both he and his wife have me blocked on Facebook. My ES has been calling me recently but now I guess his phone is broke so I’m only hearing things from 3rd parties (like his father, my XH).

    • #94483
      Avatar3DogDays
      Participant

      Peaf,

      It is so good to hear from the Dads!!! For me, when Dads share it helps me feel so not ‘parent alone’ and Mom guilty.
      Thank You for sharing!

      3dogdays

    • #94584
      AvatarSunnyside2019
      Participant

      I did write a short explanation of my middle daughter’s (40 yrs. old) disconnect from me. I wrote it on another site.My middle daughter’s estrangment started from me expressing my dislike about something she posted for the public to see. After that, she messaged me telling me she never wanted to talk to me again. I thought this would pass, but it’s been quite a few years and she still doesn’t speak to me. I’ve sent her messages, e-mails, etc., telling her I love her and hoping she will respond but nothing on her part. I’m sure it must be due to her digging up all the fights when she was living with me, drinking and taking drugs because it can’t be over me expressing my dislike over something she posted . Anyway, this estranged daughter does invite my two other daughters and their husbands to events she has, but not me. I don’t know if I have a right to feel this way or if it’s wrong but I feel that my two other daughters should confront this daughter who isn’t talking to me and tell her how wrong this is. But, at the same time, I know that they know she will turn on them too if they do this .Is anyone here experiencing something similar where your other children see the estranged grown child and don’t confront her as to why she isn’t talking to her mother? I don’t want to mention this to my other two daughters and make them feel bad but this does bother me at times – I think one of my daughters knows why this daughter isn’t talking to me but she doesn’t ever want to get involved in things so won’t speak to me about it. My middle daughter has spread lies about me to others which is pretty low so I’m sure if she’s explaining to people why she doesn’t have contact with me she’s lying about her reasons. Well, thank you for any input.

      • #94699
        AvatarHayleyD
        Participant

        Sunnyside2019, welcome to the forum.

        Your situation reminds me a great deal of an experience I had with my sister a few years back. She took offense at a snarky comment my mother made to her and emailed me that I was NEVER to speak to my mother again. Obviously I didn’t obey her order, but I think this is very common, and I would urge you to give some serious thought to whether your daughter might suffer from a personality disorder such as borderline personality disorder[bpd].

        I know I’m always pontificating about bpd but for those that have never researched it, a one of the hallmarks is seeking revenge on those who hurt or offend you which refusing to speak to you is. These people [mostly women] tend to experience very black and white thinking with no shades of gray meaning that they live in a world where they either love and adore you, or in the case of the mothers on this forum, hate you with a passion that defies comprehension for something as simple as you’re experiencing of not liking something your ED posted on social media. They don’t seem to be able to understand that we all have good and bad characteristics and no one’s perfect.

        If you’re interested in learning more about bpd and revenge, look up A.J. Mahari on youtube. She has a 9 minute video on punishment and revenge in bpd that I’ve found very helpful. I should add that my sister has a lot of bpd traits, and we’re on about our 4th or 5th long-term estrangement so I know what it’s like dealing with these type of people.

    • #94650
      AvatarCoolBreeze
      Participant

      Estranged

      I have two adult children; my son is 22 and my daughter is 24.

      My daughter is pregnant; she and I are estranged, except for communications initiated by myself and for things that may benefit her; such as her baby shower.

      Their father and I divorced when they were very young (1 & 3), due to his alcoholism and abuse towards me. I had custody of them until they were 7 & 9, at which time, I had custody legally transferred to him, due to a transfer in the military that was not conducive to my situation as a single mother with young children. He had gotten remarried and was financially responsible. I had no reason to believe that he was ever abusive toward my children and still don’t think he was – physically, but am now thinking that he may have been emotionally abusive (which I did not know at the time).

      My daughter started becoming distant and my son made comments such as that I had “abandoned” them. I later learned that my ex-husband and his wife were making up lies about me and making many comments against me to my children. Their step-mother called herself, “mama” to my children, in person and in birthday cards, etc. It was a perfect case of parental alienation, which is a form of abuse, in my opinion. It has forever affected my relationship with both of my children, more so, with my daughter.

      When I was back in the same area as my children, before another tour in which I was stationed on a ship overseas, my son visited me on a regular basis but my daughter chose not to. She also made statements such as that I had ruined her life yet she wouldn’t tell me why. She has been very excited about living with her father and still seemed glad that she was.

      Currently, my ex-husband and his wife have divorced but the ex step-mother still inserts herself in my children’s lives and even claims that she will be a grandmother soon, with the birth of my daughter’s baby. My daughter is happy to continue her relationship with her but not with me.

      My son and I have a pretty good relationship and he’s the only one that visits me, while I am in town (I am retired from the military and I travel full time). He and I go to eat and get together here and there for events. He communicates with me fairly regularly via phone and text (mostly text).

      I am staying in town right now while awaiting the birth of my grandson. However, my daughter seems not to care whether I am here or not. I went to her baby shower (to which she invited me) and she was cordial with me and I would like to be at the hospital when the baby is born. However, I’m not sure how to “be” with her anymore because I feel as though my presence is not really wanted or appreciated.

      I’ve felt this way for many years but I continue to “try” to have a relationship with her. When I get hurt, then I stop for awhile, but then I try again. I feel as though I am in limbo and do not know why I am supposed to do. I feel that l should step away but then I’ll be accused of not wanting to be in her life (and the baby’s) but then when I try to be in her life, I feel as though she doesn’t really want me there. I’m always hoping that being persistent will pay off one day but maybe not.

      So…here I am…

    • #94700
      AvatarHayleyD
      Participant

      CoolBreeze, I’m also a victim of parental alienation, and it happened around the same age as with your kids.

      It’s been 31 years for me, and while I don’t have a great relationship with my son, we do have a relationship albeit strained and at his discretion. It’s very tough which is why I’m on this forum. I doubt he really cares if he has a relationship with me, but I care so I put forth the effort to reach out to him from time to time and try to work on a relationship. He seems to appreciate my support for his sports career as a semi-professional bike racer, but other than that, we don’t have much to talk about.

      I find myself very unsure how to behave around him. I’ve only seen him once in the last 8 years, and it was because I was giving him something. I was very ill at ease to be honest. He was thinking of coming up this summer but it didn’t work out, and honestly, I was kind of glad it didn’t as he makes me uneasy. I suspect these feelings come from feeling I have to prove something to him, and the need to try to get him to love me. Sometimes I feel like I’m 13 and chasing the cute boy who sits next to me in home room or something.

      One thing you might do is check out a guy named Ryan Thomas on youtube who was a childhood victim of parental alienation. He came to realize his mother and her family who he terms ‘the Regime’ were lying to him about his dad as he was growing up. He reconnected with him and has a great relationship. His videos focus on helping parents relate to their kids who are the victim of parental alienation. I’ve found them very helpful even though my son is approaching middle age.

    • #94772
      AvatarAnonymous
      Inactive

      I am hesitant but going to introduce myself and hope someone out there is reading or listening. This website is not the easiest to navigate…I am sure of because of the confidentiality…but I will try to post at least one…we will see if it gets approved.
      I have been suffering the estrangement of my 25 year old son now for over a year and now I can end that estrangement. I think my post is relevant ( Sheri, read your book, so insightful, thank you), please listen to my words though, they are a little different from the majority of the sites posts).
      I logged on to this site and read all the posts for sooooo long. In truth, nothing seamed to ring true for me. My son and I had a wonderful relationship, there was no reason to end it. I understand all the reasons for strife in a relationship…money reasons, in-law reasons, adult/child issues etc. My son and I had none of that. He told me he had accepted a T/A (Teaching Assistant) position at a school on the East Coast and would get his Master’s degree paid for. He was excited and we had a going away party for him. At that party he said to me ” You know Mom, I am never coming back”. I was a little taken aback but because of the economy of where we live, not surprising. If you do not have a million dollars, you can not buy a home where we live…it is crazy. Are these homes worth that, ABSOLUTELY not but we are by the coast…that says it all.
      I knew the words I heard from his lips were weird but I justified them…still cried myself to sleep after we said good-bye, Mother’s intuition that something was off. That was the last time I saw him.
      Fast Forward….so many things deleted but to keep this message short, a year later my older son got a call in the middle of the night from his brother. He said, he moved back East to give Mom time to get used to not being in her life. ( He had not responded to e-mails, texts, etc. and blocked all of our family for almost a year). He told his brother he had taken some type of poison and it was over. He died the next day….planned it for a year through ESTRANGEMENT to ease the pain…so he said.
      Estrangement…it comes in so many different forms…this time…my son thought he would give us time before he made his decision to end his life…that is a crazy type of estrangement and if I had known his suffering, would have been able to at least try to help him.
      My message, and I hope Sheri will agree, if there is not a “pinpoint event” or any “idea” of why estrangement is happening, look into Mental Illness and seek out help for your child. I tried, but it was too late.
      My sweet baby boy is now gone…he was Gifted intellectually and had so may accolades and friends…it doesn’t make sense…we are still suffering…but are already willing to help others.
      Please reach out, especially if you are in the same situation. Never thought I would be living this nightmare….but I am trying to turn it into something worthy…I am hopeful…Loving thoughts to everyone grieving an estranged child….My time is over….Now I must grieve a child that is no longer.

    • #94778
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Dear Liz,

      I’m so very sorry you’ve lost your son. I do agree that mental illness is an issue in many, many instances. You mention trying to get help. It’s just not always that easy, is it?. Parents are often helpless to do much, when children are adults especially. They often won’t listen, or self-medicate, or are funtionining so they can hide it.

      I’m just so sad to hear of your situation, Liz. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I have heard from a few in similar situations over the years. I know your note here will be helpful to others.

      Hugs to you. Please take care of yourself.

      Sheri McGregor

    • #94806
      AvatarIron
      Participant

      Sunnyside2019 –
      I read your fustration and a couple of the others here. I am going to tell you this. You know my girls done this to me. I was in a great depression and thinking of killing myself. But you know what, I read the Bible and I spoke with the Lord, and from some strange reason I was not feeling lonly anylonger one morning that I woke up. I went to work and I was feeling really, really good. Then my one of my girls called me out of no where and she spoke to me and asked me if I would go stay with her one weekend. I did at her house I was with my grnadkids and to be honest with you, we spoke. Well, times passed I moved out the house I was renting and felt really good of this new change for me and still at this house I am renting now. Well, in March, it was a Sunday my girls caused a big drama when I called out one of my daughter out, that she comes dropps off her kids without asking me if I can stay with the kids. I walked towards the door and I said your leaving already, and out of no where she went off on me. I texted the oldest daugher telling her what her how her little sister went off me for no reason. Well as soon as my oldest daughter came over just as she walked into the door the first thing she said “I dont’ like the text messages you sent me.” I dont appreicate what your telling me”…..I was surprised at how she was speaking to me. both og my daughter went into a ramp and grabbed my grandkids and one of my grandkids asked them why are we going home, Can you believe my daughter tells my grandkids “BECASUE GRANDMA IS CRAZY”…. Oh hell no…I turned over and said you know what you dont need to tell to express and tell your kids that I am crazy. you don’t tell kids that” I got so upset, that when they left I was so angry at I exploeded like a volcano and started throwing things around the house. If it wasn’t for my son that grabbed me to control me I think I would had distoyed the house. Set up and appointment with a social worker from the clinic, and Can you believe that He indicated in front of my girls that I might be Bi-Polar. Well, I ended the session and went home and I had an assessement done for BI_POLAR illness. Well come to find out I am not Bi-Polar at all. So I let my girls know this and I asked them in front of all my boys “SO WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE”….Truly I think its this gerenation. Bi-Polar my ass is bi-polar. So now I dont want to see my girls and I am done with them two. They can stay on there island I will stay on mine and I like it like that. I am so sick and tired of drama this bitches of mine start. Dont be coming up my house starting shit and making me sick angry. I can;t have that. Hell no I am 58 years I need my health to continue health. because let me tell you when you have Mama Baby drama with female daughter, Naw, no no just walk away. I turly think they are the bi-polar ones. so Sister you go out enjoy your self with some friends go to the movies or go to a sports bar, have some margaritas. And stop looking for that daughter of yours. Move on Sister. Move on.

      • #94925
        AvatarButterflykisses
        Participant

        Hello Iron,

        I read two of your posts. I feel that my daughter is mentally ill, which is hereditary and affected her dad, as well has his mother (her grandmother). It’s sad that while our children point their fingers at us all self-righteous, they fail to see themselves and their actions as being any problem. I am quite sure that they garner a lot of sympathy and attention for their actions too. My daughter has talked to her brother’s about me, yet won’t tell me what her issues are on any deep level. They are trying to remain neutral–pretty sure because she can be a bully and is the oldest of them. She is also very generous, so it “pays” to be in her good graces.

        So I also drew a firm boundary after my daughter put a post on FB about how she has no respect for me. She has no understanding it makes her look badly, not me. In the past, I tried making peace with her. She said all kinds of awful things to me and when I began to cry, she said, “I’m sorry I made you cry.” while I walked out the door. My life is happy without her and the drama. My husband and I will be drawing up our will soon and all he asked is that she receive nothing of his assets. At this point, I do not see why even I would include her and she’s my daughter.

        My boundary includes the stipulation that I will only meet her at a therapist office. Otherwise, I am not interested in reconciling. Been there, done that. Unless that happens, she will be treated as someone I do not really know anymore. I mourn that sweet daughter I used to know, but that is in the past and I am living in the present, unlike her. How hard must that be on her mental health? No idea, but I do know that at first I felt sad, then tried everything to heal things, then angry, and now I am done. I have so moved on, but she just doesn’t realize it. The best revenge is to live a happy life and that I am doing!

        Take great care!

    • #94807
      AvatarIron
      Participant

      Let me tell eveyone one up here. I have noticed that it is not to much the boys (sons) it seems like it is more, we are all having problems with the girls (daughter) and sisters I am going to tell y’all. We need to stop begging and looking for our girls. Because while they have this mentality that they are grown up and they can do anything they want and they have their own place. Well good, just do not allow them ravens of yours bring their shit at your porch. Naw, we mothers need to take charge of our lifes, because let me tell you, folks, we need to take care of our health. If this ravens of ours treat us with the silent treatment, well-baby girls you got something coming to you. Because these mother you do not want to speak to will not allow for you to bring us down. Hell, I got to worry about my shelf. We toke care of them for to many years and folk let them Adult Children of ours learn by thier mistakes. Ladies, go out and travel have fun. HAve some maragritas. Dont cal lthem dont look for them. Sooner or later its gonna hit them. Oh I am sure the ywill find out that your having lots of fun while they are all misrable and upset at home. Them girls will not be happy and if you think they are, well sister let me tell you they are merely putting an up front that they are. SO LADY’S GO OUT HAVE YOUR SELF A GIRLS NIGHT OUT. GO TO VEGAS, WALKING WITH A FRIEND. TREAT YOUR SELF WITH SETTING UP AN APPOINTMENE IN SPA. PAPMER YOUR SELFS. INVITE FRIEND OVER FOR A ON SUNDAYS YOUR NEIGHBORS. GO TO THE GYM MEET FOLKS OUT THERE. TRUST ME KEEP YOUR MIND BUSY. I HAVE STARTED AND BEING HONEST ENROLL IN A THERPY SESSION FOR YOUR YOU SO YOU CAN CLEAR THAT INSANITY THEM GIRLS OF OURS HAVE GAVEN US. I KNOW I AM. AND I CAME UP HERE TO LET ALL OF YOU LADIES KNOW WE ARE MOTHERS, AND IT IS TIME TO HAVE FUN AND CATCH UP FOR THOSE YEARS THAT WE DIDN’T BECAUSE WE WERE SO WORRIED ABOUT GROWNING UP OUR KIDS. SO TAKE MY ADIVISE. NO MORE TEARS!!!

    • #94818
      AvatarButterflykisses
      Participant

      Hello, like many of you, I am new to this site. Briefly, I was divorced by my daughter’s dad when she was two years old and he was diagnosed with mental illness. I remarried when she was five. We ended up having 3 more son’s. My daughter also had a son when she was a teenager that I helped raise the first 5 years of his life. He was estranged from his mom (my daughter) for a while. My daughter and I met at her therapist office so we could work on reconciling the two of them. Kind of ironic, since now she has totally alienated him from me! When I last text him, he text back that I was a “selfish bit*h”. Kind of over that, but it infuriated my son’s.

      I am now also estranged from my daughter. Back in 2010 Thanksgiving, at one of the very lowest points of my life, my daughter verbally attacked me after dinner. One thing she was blaming me for was not allowing her to have an abortion as a teenager (never mind she did NOT want an abortion at that time). She also repeatedly said that I should never have remarried. When I asked if she thought I should have stayed single until she was 18, she said “Yes!”. After that episode, things actually smoothed out between us, or so I thought. Every time we saw each other, she was pleasant and accommodating, though wasn’t past making a snide remark still.

      In 2014, I received a really nice Mother’s Day card and gift from my daughter. Soon after, she and my ex (her stepdad), attended my married son’s out-of-state graduation. I was unable to attend because I was scheduled to care for my elderly mother after her impending surgery. During the celebration afterwards, my daughter got drunk and began saying all kinds of awful things about me, my ex fed the fire–lying to her–and my DIL didn’t help either. I received a text from my daughter with a list of all these crazy allegations, so I knew exactly what was said and by whom. There was no way I could defend myself against some very absurd “charges”, though I did confront my ex and his part of it and also my DIL and she felt terrible. Just proves that people shouldn’t talk about what they don’t know! Gossip is so evil and destructive.

      In 2018, my son and DIL visited and when we got together for lunch, my daughter and her new husband joined them. We began having lunches together and her husband text me, he felt it was really helping her. (He is super nice, btw). She had asked to borrow my van to go to a 3 day music event with her friends and I said yes. We seemingly had a nice dinner and a few days later, she returned the van. No big deal. Then I didn’t hear from her for several weeks. I invited my youngest son and his GF to visit so I could get to know her better. They came to town and were staying either here or with her, so we met a few times. She was distant, yet cordial. Then a couple of months went by with no contact. My daughter then asked if she could take me for a BD lunch. We got together and all she did was complain about everybody! Towards the end of lunch, she tried accusing me of hating my son’s GF. I refused to agree with her. The next day, she began an argument via text. One thing I text were my feelings that she wants to misconstrue anything I say to put me in the worst light possible. She then text that I was too negative a person, so she was cutting me off. Then she asked my oldest son if he thought I liked this GF. My son text her back and she cut-off the bottom of the text (which said “Mom loves us and only wants the best for us.”) and sent me just the top part. It was at this point, I text her husband and said the only way I will meet her again, is at a therapist office. Otherwise, no thanks.

      Just over a year ago, I was excluded from my DIL’s baby shower, because my ED had invited herself. That really hurt. Last year she posted a FB post about getting rid of toxic people out of your life before the holidays. Recently, she added a new one about losing all respect for someone and added “My mother!” to the top of it. That was painful, but it also made me know I had to set boundaries. I will never allow someone to verbally abuse me again in my life. All the mean nasty things she has said to me the last few years only reflect badly on her. Sad that she can’t see that. Luckily, my 3 sons and I are very close.

      We are having a big family event next month and my son and DIL asked my husband and myself to attend. When my ED found out I was coming, at first she refused to come, but her husband convinced her. (In other words, she acted like a child.) Let’s just say, I am not going to do anything but act cordial and after reading some of Sheri’s book, do not plan to approach her either. My DIL is concerned that my ED may verbally attack me again, since alcohol is involved. I assured her, I will turn and walk away. it is interesting that my DIL is from a culture where elders are valued and respected, so once again, my daughter is going to look badly. Not my problem however.

      Essentially, everyone–my friends, husband and myself–believe my daughter is mentally ill–since mental illness affected her dad and grandmother. Basically I don’t know what is going to happen, but I’m done trying to reach out. When I told her how much I loved her on her BD last year, she blocked my phone number. My life is happy and fulfilling. Although, I think about my daughter often, I think about her in the past tense these days.

      Looking forward to reading more of Sheri’s book and chatting with all of you.

    • #95041
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Butterfly kisses, I am so sorry you are going through this situation. Done with the Crying helped me as well. Sometimes the estrangement is due to mental illness and other times a third party gets involved and sometimes it’s a mixture of many things. You are doing the right this, by chasing a relationship with her you are teaching her it’s ok to treat you the way she has been. Take care of yourself and your emotional needs first, set some boundaries and focus on those that values you and the good person you are. I agree that walking away from chaos and the drama is the best thing. If your daughter starts anything only she will look bad. You have come to the right place and you will find friends here. We have all walked in your shoes and know how devastating it is when your child no longer finds value in you. Keep reading and doing the exercises.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #95082
      NeedothersNeedothers
      Participant

      Welcome to the newcomers to this valuable site, which you will find, is full of wonderful people and parents, who are kind and understanding and supportive to others.

      And I am sending a special thank you to Sadlostbroken, for your many messages of caring for others.
      You are such a special person, and your words are so full of truth and of caring. It is always healing to read yours and others posts.

      xoxo
      Needothers

    • #95255
      Avatarmudpies
      Participant

      Greetings: I’m a mama of a 25 y/o ‘son’ who earned himself a full ride to college at 17, graduated magna cum laude, never gave us a moments trouble growing up, moved out of the house after graduation and it all began. He accuse me of emotional manipulation. Has had no contact with his father in years. SPends all of his time cooped up in an apartment playing video games. He does not work and can only exist on some money his grandfather left him which cannot last forever. He has been GONE from our lives for over four years now. I am going thru a divorce and thought I would reach out again since previous efforts had only brought further attacks on how he could not be around me. He did engage in a couple of phone conversations for a month or so but two weeks ago, after I had left a voicemail about my trip to his area, he called and screamed at me for even thinking that he would want to see me. What I forgot to say that prior to this call, I had gently informed him that due to a protracted divorce, I would not be able to help him out and that he needed to think about how to support himself going forward. IT took me a few moments to digest that this statement could have precipitated the acute verbal attack where is said he NEVER wanted to see me again or hear from me again and he didn’t care if I was dead. THe whole emotional abuse claim is a mystery to me except that he was given everything, excelled at everything and was praised for his accomplishments. He never had to really work for grades or anything he tried. It came naturally. Maybe I should have sought out things to show his failure and given him a chance to recover from failure. It is so strange to me. We sought counseling but he refused claiming that was more emotional abuse. HE went through a phase right after college of threatening suicide. We even had to call for a safety check which further irritated him. THen he went through a durg and alcohol phase. Now, he identifies as a lesbian female. Through friends, I attempted to show acceptance of this lifestyle yet any outreach is met with anger, blame, hate etc. I am now the one angry, ha! I’ve gone thru the crying, praying, begging, trying and all other ‘ings’ and just need to let it go. It is in God’s hands. I pray and pray that someday we can speak and work it out. However, I am also at a point where there is NOTHING I can do for him/her . The pain is always there tho. Letting go is incremental at best and works on some days but not others. I feel for each and every one of the parents in this group. We share a common pain, a common yearning for reconciliation and closure. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. ALl I do know is that it is one day at a time and maybe even one hour at a time. OR in reality, maybe TIME has become the enemy now and that is what I need to get beyond. THanks for listening!

    • #95315
      ilovedogsilovedogs
      Participant

      I’m new to the group. I have been estranged from my adult son (from a previous marriage) for 1 year now. He sent me a very angry text telling me to cut the BS because we haven’t had much of a relationship for the last 15 years and not to send him any more gifts, cards, etc.
      I had been waiting/hoping for a long time to meet his new fiance and i felt that he was blowing me off. I told him that i really missed seeing him & that it broke my heart to be lied to. He responded with another angry text & I waited a few days before responding but did tell him that I was sorry he felt that way & to take care of himself. I sent him a Christmas card (no gift) per his request and didn’t hear from him at Christmas, my birthday, or Mother’s Day. I sent him a birthday card in April and had been texting him once a month or so just telling him that i was thinking of him & loved him, etc. (My counselor told me I could do that as long as I didn’t expect a response). I finally heard from him later in May when he apologized for his recent behavior etc. I told him that I loved him and always would. However, he had done this to be years before and I felt that it was really cruel of him. I don’t know what to do now so I’ve stopped texting him. I feel a little better about myself than how i felt when it first happened. It was like a punch in the gut. I guess I’ll just pray for a miracle but for now I’ll accept it & try to move on, focusing on healing myself. I’m grateful for Sheri’s book & this website.

    • #95379
      Dazed_and_confusedDazed_and_confused
      Participant

      ilovedogs,

      Please do move on. He has done this before and now he has done this again. Would you, could you ever trust him not to do it a 3rd time if you reconciled? Would you want to be like that beaten woman who time after time forgives her husband and grabs on to any morsel or crumb of affection he was willing to give you? Who gets beaten time and again just because he can and he knows you will still be there for him?

      He’s done this twice and will continue the behavior just like an abusive husband. Ask yourself “how much is enough?” You can forgive him for all he has put you through but you don’t need him to forgive you to move on. Stop with the card and text sending. He doesn’t want them. All they do is let him know you are still groveling at his feet begging for a morsel. That gives these men and women we birthed, these kinds of people, power and an evil kind of pleasure. (I am not saying you are groveling but this is how it comes across to them after being told to stop.)

      I might sound bitter but I’m really not. I was blindsided by the banishment by my son from his family the second time. My eyes are wide open now. There doesn’t need to be any hope of reconciliation. Hope is just a way of punishing yourself for things you have no control over. Anger is good. It helps keeps my boundaries strong so this doesn’t happen again. I’m working on the forgiveness part. I need that to totally move on and put this crap behind me.

      I hope you read this and think about it. If you have to send a text, send it to us, this community of very supporting people. If you have to send a card, fill it out and put it in a box marked “to be given to my son upon my death”. You will get the same response which is nothing (from him). Here you will get support.

      D.A.C.

    • #95443
      AvatarPhoenix12
      Participant

      Reintroducing myself. I have two EDs, one adult ES, and a minor child who was abducted by ES1, but the police were convinced that he was a runaway and refused to file a missing persons report.

      I am a single parent. I homeschooled ED2 and ES1 from compulsory attendance age or birth (depending on your perspective) to high school age or early college entrance (depending on your perspective). Raising my children WAS my career–the jobs I did to support them were incidental.

      It has been 13 months since my youngest was taken. It turns out I don’t have any friends, either. Not done crying and never will be, but can’t afford attorneys, private investigators, etc.

      I used to post here about my EDs before the abduction. Not sure if I feel like talking or just lurking.

    • #95457
      Avatartea-lady
      Participant

      Hi, I’m 54 and this is my very first post, I registered in May this year but find it traumatising to get started because I have to bring the pain to the surface. I’m highly sensitive in personality, suffered a past of emotional childhood neglect and now estranged by DIL, my son and their children all under the age of 5. They’ve been married a year tomorrow, November 3.

      This estrangement came to an ugly head this year at Easter. It’s been brewing for some years though.I guess DIL could take it no longer. She is royally peeved at not being able to control my time and energy. My therapist said it’s because I’m not doing her bidding. She treats her own mother like a slave.

      She is the type of person where it’s a community and larger family responsibility of getting her where she wants. She wants everything yesterday. In a nutshell we are being punished as I am not saving them on childcare as I was reminded how expensive it was going to be on them.

      My own adult daughter is autistic and she is my priority until I can see she can live independently someday. It was easy enough for DIL to discard us. .Her newly married husbands parents. I guess he is securing his future as a father and husband. I would be devastated to live under that regime. Maybe he is happy, maybe he is not. I don’t know.

      I see now the relationship was very much conditional, it didn’t become clear until I needed to decline a few childminding requests, I was always up for organising so as I could child mind and be supportive. I was never an all ‘no’ person. I just needed better planning and could do so with for thought and no regular commitment lock in. I was regularly childminding but it was never pleasing enough for her.

      I knew her schedule was hectic, to mention work placement for a graduate year in nursing, 3 children under 5. I had to consider my own daughter and our therapy commitments and programs. I am not a robot. As it is I am on burnout.

      We are tired of all the pushing, asking, messaging and trying. It feels like we push against a stone wall. We get critisised for trying, we get critisised for not trying. I hate most of all the comparison we were put under against her 2 sets of parents. I know the darkness will haunt me soon in a big wave.

      At this time my other son has returned from Canada after 5 and half months and I have distractions. But I think of my estranged son every day. I’m disappointed and sad that he ignored our plea to see him, around his birthday. He said he would but cancelled, said he would again the following week and then nothing.

      My son that returned from Canada went to see his brother, with our birthday gift and six pack of beer. No acknowledgement or even a 2 word text. He either doesn’t care or has no emotional awareness. The only reason he replied to the text message plea to see him around his birthday was because his dad sent him a pic of a caravan build he is making.

      Our son likes to build things, and we thought this would get him responding, which it did, but it didn’t play out. I am very scared of when this comes to the surface again, The anguish of this estrangement is gone a bit deeper inside of me and I do know it will surface, I don’t know or sure when. I am really scared of the sadness and realisation. Thank you for reading.

    • #95560
      AvatarBeingfree
      Participant

      Hi, my story is a little different but painful in many ways. Throughout my 6 year old granddaughters life her mom has withheld her from us. Every time it happens it is reliving the first time. This time I asked a question that set her off. A totally innocent question on how she wanted to handle something that had come up. The next thing I know I get a text, because she will not speak to me in person that we will not be able too our granddaughter. Over the past year we had our grandchild Friday, Saturday until Sunday afternoon. My daughter owns a shop that is open that is open on these days and it would be very long and boring for a 6 year old. So we agreed to keep here. Which we loved. This past year we had approximately 100 days. I’m sure there may be some that say count yourself lucky. In one way I do in another it has been torture. It takes less and less of an offense to set her off. This is her first go to reaction is to cut us off. I did “happen” to see my granddaughter when my daughter was not around. I talked to her and tried to keep it light. It broke my heart because she almost seemed afraid to talk to me. So I found out through this poor child that her grandma had a problem and she could not come over anymore. My heart broke. We live very close to my daughter. We have helped her by keeping my granddaughter when she was in school or working. It has always been a time of walking on eggshells with her. Even if she would be able to come again there will come a time when she will keep our granddaughter from us. Every Tim is happens the hurt is the same. It is always my fault. She does not care what it does to the rest of the family because she is justified and they don’t really know how horrible I am. My heart is breaking but her actions are causing turmoil between my husband and I because I am so raw and vulnerable. Not sure what to do. I love my granddaughter more than life but it is not good for her to be yanked back and forth at her mothers whim, I’m in a depression spiral one minute and then just a rage I feel like it will consume me. Some people say I do should do anything to maintain contact with my granddaughter. But the point is no matter what I do this will happen again and again. I told my husband that this pain is almost worse than when my mother died. If I would ever say this to my daughter I am being to emotional proving her point that I am unstable. No, she has no emotion. She does not care how painful and confusing this must be for my granddaughter.if we would break off communication with I really don’t think she would care. As a side not they are totally estranged from my son-in-laws family. They have not seen their granddaughter since she was 6 months old. If any body ha an insight or ideas I am open to any.Thank you

    • #95570
      AvatarDesertRose
      Participant

      Hello. My name is Desert Rose. Is this where I introduce myself?

    • #95617
      AvatarThis2ShallPass2019
      Participant

      Hello…introducing myself as This2ShallPass2019. My daughter estranged herself from me about a month ago. I’ll leave some details about our relationship issues on another thread and I look forward to any ounce of support/hope this forum can bring. Thank you.

    • #95621
      Avatarkelshaw
      Participant

      Hello to everyone. i am a newbie joined last week. So happy to have found this place to land. My story is very long and i’m not sure how long i can make it also not sure where to post it.
      I have two sons, one is married with two girls age twelve and nine, my son is forty nine and married a girl from east europe
      Younger son is forty two and is expecting his first baby next week please god. His partner is divorced with three boys and they live about 20 miles from me but they invite me to their house every sunday for dinner, he has been a tower of strength since his father entered long term care with dementia.
      It is my married son who is estranged from me, he lives just eight minutes from me.
      I reared his two girls since they were six months old from 8.30 morning till 6.30 evening because they both work.
      My husband was a periodic drinker and to make story short it took until a couple of years ago for my son to blame me for everything. I financed his three years in college even through the bad times. He met his wife online and i really didnt know much about what was going on until he decided to fly over to marry her, she said her father would not let her come unless they were married. I didnt stand in his way if he was happy i was happy.
      When she arrived i took to her and did everything to help her but when her first child was born things changed. As i have explained my story is long and if someone can guide me as to where i can post my story i would be grateful. Even though we are estranged he expects me to pick the kids up from school and look after them, i just drop the girls off at their house but i do not go in. What i do not understand is if i was to blame for his life etc etc why did he take a chance on giving his children to me to practically rear them. He said its good to have a grandmother in their lives and i know you will all agree with that but if you understood the full story you could think like i do. His wife is 100% culpable in what went on. Thank you.

    • #95631
      Dazed_and_confusedDazed_and_confused
      Participant

      Hello Kelshaw,

      Welcome to our group. Sorry you have to be amongst our numbers of those being rejected by their kids. You can start a new topic if you scroll down to the first page of this community section. You will see that you can title it and write anything you want. Just know that sometimes it takes a bit to show up because this group is moderated to protect us and each message is reviewed. We welcome your story and hope we can lend you support which is something this group is great at doing.

      Hugs,
      D.A.C.

    • #95635
      AvatarRoadrunner
      Participant

      His wife is not 100% culpable. He is responsible as well. We shouldn’t let our kids off the hook for the things they either do or allow to be done.

    • #95648
      AvatarSemicolon
      Participant

      I have been reading this site for over a year, but first time posting. I read Sheri’s book and it was very helpful . Thank you Sheri!! Glad that the estrangement is over but so sad at the outcome. Need to share in hopes that it may help others that may be in my same situation.
      My 25 year old son stopped contacting me after he left home to go back east to complete his Master’s degree. He had obtained a Teacher’s Assistant position to pay for his education and was going to be ~3000 miles away from everyone in his family.
      We were all excited for him and despite his dad and I divorced when he was just 1, he had a huge extended family that were close and very supportive.
      He kept in contact for about the first 2 months and then suddenly…nothing…every one from my family, including his brother, had been blocked and he had no contact. I heard from my other son that he was also not responding to his dad’s text at this time. I was so worried…and thus..beginning to think I was going to be the next “estranged parent”, not understanding anything that was going on. He was always so responsible and never a problem child, highly intelligent, qualified as ‘Gifted and Talented” in the second grade. He graduated from college in 3 years and so there you go…very smart. But still, no one understood what was going on.
      Being Mom, I suspected he may be suffering from mental illness because he would NEVER block me…we had such a great relationship, could talk about anything, and there was never any argument, disagreement etc. So here is where I related to all of the other posts…so much unknown out there when a child disengages and stops contact. It is something I have never experienced. I am still very close to my 82 year old mother and we talk every day. I would never think about ending the relationship even if she made me mad..what would be the point…the time is limited!
      I am going to keep this succinct and tell you the outcome and not any of the year’s worth of detail. My son created the estrangement to help prepare us for his end of life, which he took on August 17th. He made his last phone call to his brother letting him know what he had taken and where he was but explained that the reason why he had cut me and other family members ( the closest to him who would ask questions) was to prepare us for a whole year of him not being with us. I know this seems so disturbed and horrible…it is…but it is also another reason why people become estranged. My son planned his suicide for a whole year through estrangement…yes, he was smart…maybe book smart…but when it comes to relationships, he thought a year would prepare us for his death…nothing could have prepared us for an “out of order” death. I pray for all of you who are estranged from your children and hope your outcome is reconciliation and nothing like what I experienced. I know I learned a lot from this site and want to let others know not to give up, especially if you are not sure of what caused the estrangement…seek answers…never give up. Love to you all. I know all of your pain and more…..

    • #95653
      Yellow RoseYellow Rose
      Participant

      Semicolon, I am very sorry for your loss. This sounds like such a tragedy. I hope you can get counseling to help you through this difficult time. I think suicide can be especially hard on those left behind. Your story might help someone on this forum and you were very brave to share it. I wish you well. Sending you cyber hugs.

    • #95659
      ZenhumanZenhuman
      Participant

      Hello I am new to this site and want to thank everyone for making me feel not so alone.
      My son moved to another state with a girl he met, and at first things were fine. We all got along well, I thought. I was very accepting of her and thought we got along great. I never wanted to be that awful MIL!
      They decided to marry after a couple of years, and I was fine with that, I was so happy he had found a love of his own. After they married, things started to change. When they would come for a visit, they suddenly didn’t hug us anymore, didn’t speak to us hardly at all (faces in their phones). In fact, it felt they only came to get laundry done and free meals for a few days. (Before they married we would talk, laugh, play game, etc..)
      During the last visit to see us, his wife started making snide political comments to us, and in a moment of anger I lashed back at her. Later that day my son came down and said a lot of hurtful things to me that just hurt me so much I can’t even describe it. They left in the middle of the night and he really has not spoken to me since then. My daughter tells me he is waiting for an apology, which I will not give.
      Before this happened I always felt something was wrong when they would visit, and when they would leave I’d cry and my husband would ask why are you crying? I said I don’t know, I feel like I didn’t really get to visit with him. I knew something was off.
      The reason I won’t apologize is because she deserved it, and I feel like even if I did, later on it would just be another reason to shut me out of his life. They were using us, and when I put my foot down to her because I didn’t feel good and she was acting like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum, then I’m just the unforgivable one, I guess.
      There is of course more to the story, but I am not a healthy person. I have been sick from a very young age, and have several immune issues and the day that this happened I was not feeling well at all. They didn’t care. They had no compassion for me, and yet had the audacity to tell me a little empathy would be nice.
      I was a decent mother. I never claimed to be perfect, but I loved my kids more than my own life. We weren’t wealthy, but we tried to make every holiday and birthday special for them. I am certain this would not have ever happened with him except that he picked a girl to marry who is bipolar or has some kind of mental illness. I am heartbroken. This has been going on for close to 2 years now.
      The last time we spoke was via messenger, and he said he would let me know when he is ready to talk. That was 11 months ago. I have no hope it’s ever going to get better. I will never forgive his wife and she is not welcomed in our home. I have been trying to accept it, but it’s so hard. Some days he is all I can think about and how in gods name could this have happened to me. I’m already isolated because I don’t work outside the home, and have no friends where I live now. Already feeling bad about myself because of illnesses, and then my son taken from me is almost too much to bear. It really feels exactly like a death, but possibly even worse because he is choosing this and because he didn’t stick up for me!!
      I sent a birthday card and didn’t get any response at all from him, I don’t even know if he received it or if his wife threw it away before he got home. I just don’t know. Anyway, I’m working on trying to work on myself and forget this pain. It is so unbearable at times. How you could carry a child 9 months, meet their every need, give them a great childhood, and in a moment they can just drop you like this. If I were abusive or murdered someone, or something awful I might understand. But all I’ve ever done is love him. I ask god why, but I still don’t really understand it. Where is the forgiveness, the understanding that someone may believe differently than you but that’s ok? It seems we have raised a bunch of entitled, spoiled, users. So sad!!!

      • #95675
        AvatarHayleyD
        Participant

        zenhuman, I’m very sorry you’re going through this and can relate. I have genetic health issues that have consumed most of my life and made it to where I have no friends, haven’t worked in decades and the like. People have no idea how tough it is to have something you can’t control rule your life, and the younger generation certainly isn’t sympathetic.

        Politics today is a minefield on both sides. I feel like we’re living in the Twilight Zone.

        I also believe that the change in parenting approaches from generations ago when children were seen and not heard to being the center of their parents’ universe has boomeranged from one bad approach to the opposite bad approach, and we’re reaping the consequences of it. I’m certainly not for any form of neglect or abuse of children in any way, shape or form, but I think living solely to please your child creates a generation of narcissists. My ex used to put buying toys for our son above paying the mortgage which we were usually late on so I know whereof I speak. I was always opposed to how my son was ‘the little prince’ and my ex catered to him hoping to be his best friend.

        I don’t think there’s a solution for what our generation has done to our kids by teaching them that they’re the only ones who matter. And that’s what they now believe–they matter and their parents don’t. I believe it was Victor Hugo who said ‘adversity makes men, prosperity makes monsters.’ I believe we’ve raised a generation of monsters thinking giving them every advantage we didn’t have. Instead, we have a generation of selfish, spoiled rotten brats who hate their parents with a passion.

      • #95689
        ZenhumanZenhuman
        Participant

        Thank you HayleyD and yes, I agree with you. I guess we did spoil him, not with money but just with attention and love, thinking it was the right thing to do. It’s impossibly hard to accept, but I know it must be done.
        I know his wife was the only girl in the family, and she too was spoiled and adored I’m sure. I know she’s had times she quit speaking to her own mother, and then will reconcile with her over and over. It didn’t work with me.
        It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I do feel so ashamed at times, but I also know I didn’t do anything wrong. I will try to keep my head up and carry on!

    • #95691
      Avatar3DogDays
      Participant

      HayleyD.

      You nailed it!

      “Instead, we have a generation of selfish, spoiled rotten brats who hate their parents with a passion.”

      3dogdays

    • #96718
      AvatarHomesteader
      Participant

      Good morning everyone:
      I’m a new member that is having trouble just getting it out there and verbalizing my rejection experience. The actual break with my daughter came just over 3 years ago, but in hindsight I now understand that there have been subtle hints of what might be coming since she was a lot younger. There was always so much drama and turmoil at times. The break came with what I believe was a “staged” blowup and I was in such a state of shock afterwards that I just shut down, was numb for the longest time. And for that longest time, I functioned, worked and did what I needed to do, gradually allowing some thoughts in to try and make sense of things. For the first year, there were a few emails with pictures of my grandson and a card for Mother’s day, then nothing. I did my darndest to stay calm and rational, thinking she has some more serious issues than I’m unaware of and needs time to deal. I thought to myself that at any time, as long as I don’t harrass her, she’ll approach me and we’ll work it out. Two more years went by with no contact during which I retired and did my best to keep things as normal as possible. Several months ago, I needed to make a trip back home to check up on my elderly father, during which time I woke up to the fact that time was passing so quickly and things could happen in the blink of an eye. I came back home determined to mend fences and try to make things better with her. We ran into each other at a local market (she lives about a 15 minute walk away from me), and we ended up talking for a couple of hours and she agreed that perhaps we could email and have brief contact that way until she got more comfortable with the idea of more. Well we did email for a few weeks and then again, nothing; no warning, no reason, just nothing. I thought perhaps emailing once a week to keep each other up to speed with things was more than she was able to deal with and emailed only every two weeks. Nothing. I had been so careful not to say anything that might be considered inflammatory or cause her any pressure, just let her know that I was here for her and that I loved her. So it’s been done again; I’ve been cut off, out, whatever is a good term for it. I was even more shattered this time, couldn’t stop crying, my health was suffering, but I was fully aware that I needed to do something to help myself. I had to be practical but do something fast. I can’t afford a therapist, my family and I have never been close and I don’t have any close friends, just people I know. I found Sheri’s book Done with the Crying on the first try and after reading the first few chapters knew this could work for me. One side effect tho – I’m struggling to get through each chapter and mostly have to do them more than once; the info, exercises and the stories in them are making me experience everything again and just wringing me out – such sadness! But today I reached the point of realizing that I’m done. I can’t keep putting myself through this – the pain, sorrow, sense of loss and yes fear that I’m experiencing over and over and over again. My story is text book and I know now that a reconciliation such as I envisioned will not be with the precious daughter that I remember, but a stranger that I’m not sure I am able or even want to deal with. There is so much more to be said and acknowledged, but this post has been hard to do and I think I need to back off for a bit and make sure I’m not over-reacting emotionally but making sense of things in a way that will benefit me. I love my daughter, but right now I know I don’t like her. I hope that will change, but I can’t live my life expecting that and being disappointed and hurt again and again.
      Take care all,
      Homesteader

    • #96726
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Welcome, Homesteader! Even if things did change, by going on with your life and taking care of yourself, you’ll be strong if the time were to come.

      Hugs,
      Sheri McGregor

      • #97035
        AvatarHomesteader
        Participant

        Thanks Sheri:
        It’s like drowning and someone throws you a flotation device; that was what your book did for me !! Then getting the first post done was a milestone for me, but I did it and it should get easier. I have one issue that I need to deal with right away as it’s eating away at me daily. I think I know what I want to do, but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do. When my daughter and I first were estranged, I started sending money for her birthday, her Christmas gift and my grandson’s Christmas gift all at the same time plus a card for each occasion – $300 at this time of year which is tough as I’m retired – saved for it all year. No thanks, no card in return, nothing. I guess she got it, I don’t know! I was planning to follow through again this year as she is a single mom at this point and I felt bad at the thought of either of them possibly going without, especially at Christmas. But after her saying we could renew contact and then just rejecting me again, it was almost more than I could bear. My thought was to stop doing it as I could use the money and she wouldn’t get the opportunity to say I was trying to buy her love or provoke a response; or I could just send something to my grandson in a card and accept the fact that he may feel that his “Bama” just didn’t think about him anymore as I don’t believe she ever told him there was a gift from me for him. Would I even tell her not to expect it this year, or just do nothing? Should I even bother with a card… I likely wouldn’t know one way or the other if she is just not responding or has blocked my emails (I do not have a phone number for her, nor do I have her new cell phone number). I know I have to make my own decision on this, but an opinion is always helpful and helps to clarify my thoughts.
        Thanks for any reply,
        Homesteader

    • #96721
      AvatarCaldwell
      Participant

      I am 61 and my only child emailed me last January to tell me he did not want to have contact because he was too stressed. At the time he was working on his masters. i was taken aback and remember thinking what just happened. There had been no prior indicators that anything was amiss.
      I immediately emailed him asking if he would be willing to talk with me about what was causing the stress. No response. I wrote again, telling him how much I loved him and if I had done anything to contribute to his stress I would want to make amends. No response. I phoned and left a message. A week later I received an email saying he did not want to receive phone calls, emails or texts from me, no explanation. I have cried buckets of tears, spoken with a counselor, read Sheri’s book. Thank goodness for Done With the Crying. As I approach almost a year of estrangement I know this may seem harsh to some of you, but I feel and think that I just want to let go and move on. I no longer think I know the man that is my son. The son I thought I knew would not have thrown me to the curb like the trash. The son I knew, was loving kind and funny. I am still trying to process the letting go part. He is a grown man. This is his decision. I have no control over it. If this is what he wants I believe it is important for my own sanity to move on with this new normal. In 12 step programs it is said acceptance is a gauge for your level of serenity. I have not stopped loving all the memories, but I do not like his current behavior. I loved being his mom but I am going to be bold and say I deserve better than this even from my own child. His decision to estrange has damaged our relationship. If he were to want to reconcile I would of course be open, but in all truthfullness, I would probably proceed with caution. This past year I have missed him terribly, but I can’t keep wishing for what was.

    • #96765
      AvatarKat-Tea
      Participant

      Hello everyone.  I love tea so I thought this would be a clever name. Took me quite a bit of scrolling to get to the bottom of this thread so I understand if no one gets around to reading this, but I’ll write out my story just because it’s nice to vent.

      My husband and I have two sons. My ES is the older one at 27 years old. The whole family has had a wonderful and healthy relationship. 7 months ago my ES met a young lady who he introduced to us. The whole family adored her as she was beautiful, intelligent and right for my boy. I had a good relationship with her as we bonded over our love for horse back riding and crochet. Everything was normal.

      Then 10 weeks ago my aunt, who was basically my mother as she adopted me from the age of 2, suddenly passed away. This was devastating to me. At the funeral the whole family was emotional. Towards the end of the funeral I was comforting my younger son, and I overheard the girlfriend say “There’s not a lot of people here, maybe she wasn’t liked” to my ES. When I heard that I just reacted. I turned around while crying and yelled “She was loved. Why would you say that, what’s wrong with you, bitch”. I ran off after that.

      This began the downfall. I hate the way I behaved, I have never used cuss words in front of my kids and I’m embarrassed. I know I was emotional and I reacted out of pain but I was still wrong to do so. I spent the next 2 days at home mourning. Afterwards I reached out to my ES. He explained that it was a misunderstanding and what his girlfriend met was that my aunt was an introvert which she knew from our conversations so she didn’t connect with a lot of people outside of the family. I apologized to my son, he then asked me how I was holding up and we had a good conversation about the grief we were both feeling. No mention of my outburst. I then called his girlfriend and apologized to her, explained that I was just so broken down and reacted horribly. She seemed really quiet which I initially thought was her just taking everything in. She just said that she understood but was hurt and felt embarrassed in front of the family. I told her I understand and asked her if I could do anything to help like call up the family members and apologize for my outburst and take the responsibility for it. She said no, and after that they had to go to the grocery store so we said our goodbyes. I felt really bad but honestly I was grieving and didn’t really think much about the exchange. Over the next month my son slowly withdrew from me, his father and brother. I thought maybe that was his way of coping with the grief but I was wrong.

      About a month ago he called me up to say that he needed a break from the family and that he was hurt by how I embarrassed his girlfriend. I didn’t know what to say, I stumbled over explaining my reaction was from grief not over me disliking his girlfriend. He just said that he was too uncomfortable with the situation. Then he said I love you mom, goodbye. And that was it.

      It’s been a month since then and everyday feels so long. I feel like I’m grieving the loss of my aunt and the loss of my relationship with my son. I go from being angry at myself for acting so terrible to being angry at my son’s girlfriend for not understanding. I feel like a complete failure and I have so much guilt over how I acted. This month has been so hard and I’ve barely been able to leave my own room. My younger son is handling this poorly too as they were extremely close and ES won’t talk to him. I also feel like a failure that I’m unable to support my younger son through this hard time as I’m just overwhelmed with grief.

      I know I haven’t been estranged as long as others on this forum, but I also could not imagine not seeing my boy any longer. I’ve picked up and started reading the Sheri’s book. I don’t know what to do now. I try not to text my ES often to give him space but everyday feels like an eternity. Currently I’ve texted him three times, , twice to tell him I love and once to encourage him to still stay in contact with his younger brother. I’ve heard nothing back. I’m reliving those moments everyday. I feel like a failure and I just want to talk to my son again and figure out a way to get his girlfriends forgiveness as I know I embarrassed her in front of the whole family and she’s very shy so I know she’s probably miserable too. It’s a miserable situation.

      Phew. It feels like I wrote a novel, thank you to this forum and for letting me vent.

    • #96766
      Avatarrattlesnake
      Participant

      Sorry you find yourselves here, Caldwell and Homesteader! It sounds like you both are arriving at that place where you know it is better to stop waiting for things to get better since there is not a great chance that will happen. I was actually at that place too and I keep in mind that it could happen again, especially with my son married to whom he is married to. But for now, my son and I have reconciled. Nothing was formal. He just started calling me again and we talk. We don’t talk about what happened or his wife, but that is okay.

      I feel awful for you especially when they give you absolutely no clue why you are cut off. I had a “clue.” He married someone new who was jealous of me and also his ex-wife (the bio mom of his kids). And then when her behavior toward his kids was alarming and even abusive, I took a stand. And I’d do it again if I’m put in that position so that is one reason I say I realize that I could still be back in that place of having to accept not talking to my son.

    • #96783
      AvatarTugboats
      Participant

      Hello folks,
      Thank you for the strength and wisdom so many people show here as they write of their trauma.

    • #96784
      AvatarTugboats
      Participant

      Hello
      Yikes I need tutoring in using this site. I am trying again to post. I’ll get it eventually!

    • #96796
      ilovedogsilovedogs
      Participant

      Dazed & Confused,

      Thank you so much for your post. I would have responded back sooner but i just saw it yesterday and i’m still figuring out how to navigate the website. Your advice makes alot of sense. I repeat the same behavior over and over and expect different results. It’s insanity! I have noticed a pattern in my ES son’s behavior over the years and I’m starting to finally get it. He may be more like his father than I care to admit. (His dad was verbally abusive to me when we were dating & I got pregnant at 19 so we got married. I always hoped that he would quit drinking & change after we got married & treat me better but that never happened. We divorced when my ES was only two. It’s so hard to let go but I know that’s what needs to happen sooner rather than later. Take care.

    • #96893
      AvatarAhopeandafuture
      Participant

      Hello. I am brand new to this site but very grateful to have found it. I really did think I was alone and now I know I’m not. My 34 year old daughter cut us out of her life last December. Prior to that her Dad and I were very involved with our 5 year old grandson and are devastated to have been cut off. She had a baby girl in April and we have not been allowed to meet her. Our daughter is very high achieving with a PhD and a great job — married to a man who has no education and can’t keep a job. We believe her husband is driving the estrangement, and it now looks like we won’t see our grandkids until he is out of the picture, and that could be a very long time. I tried to make amends numerous times in the last year but nothing made it better, so I walked away in September. Now it is silence and it is killing me. We were excellent parents and excellent grandparents and are absolutely shocked that this is happening. It does help to know we are not alone. I am just starting to read Dr Coleman’s book and feel like finally someone understands.

    • #96965
      Avatarlilium
      Participant

      Hi, all. To tell my story Ill have to start from before my EC became an adult. To be honest we had been butting heads for a long time. The EC was always turning everything into an argument and constantly spinning a web of lies everytime she got caught being in the wrong. It was exhausting. I also found out they were and still are using my divorce as a way to get clothes, gifts and tution paid. It was near the end of last year that the EC wrote me a two page letter. When I got to the part where I’m this horrible,abusive person I just ripped the letter up. I was done. I have another AC who happens to be very. close in age to EC. They both grew up together,they shared a room too and even she says EC is living in an alternate reality. Rewind several months earlier: EC told me about going to see a therapist for possible anxiety. As we exchange hugs EC said “I know you’re not a perfect mom but you’re still my mom and i love you.” Right. Well it was not long aftet seeing this therapist that EC suddenly started behaving bizarrely towsrd me. Not only that but started hanging out with the man who mentally scarred me for life. Its okay though because he’s a “changed” man. Except that he’s not. I don’t get it.

    • #97099
      Avatartea-lady
      Participant

      Hi, I’m 54 and this is my very first post, I registered in May this year but find it traumatising to get started because I have to bring the pain to the surface. I’m highly sensitive in personality, suffered a past of emotional childhood neglect and now estranged by DIL, my son and their children all under the age of 5. They’ve been married a year tomorrow, November 3.

      This estrangement came to an ugly head this year at Easter. It’s been brewing for some years though.I guess DIL could take it no longer. She is royally peeved at not being able to control my time and energy. My therapist said it’s because I’m not doing her bidding. She treats her own mother like a slave.

      She is the type of person where it’s a community and larger family responsibility of getting her where she wants. She wants everything yesterday. In a nutshell we are being punished as I am not saving them on childcare as I was reminded how expensive it was going to be on them.

      My own adult daughter is autistic and she is my priority until I can see she can live independently someday. It was easy enough for DIL to discard us. .Her newly married husbands parents. I guess he is securing his future as a father and husband. I would be devastated to live under that regime. Maybe he is happy, maybe he is not. I don’t know.

      I see now the relationship was very much conditional, it didn’t become clear until I needed to decline a few childminding requests, I was always up for organising so as I could child mind and be supportive. I was never an all ‘no’ person. I just needed better planning and could do so with for thought and no regular commitment lock in. I was regularly childminding but it was never pleasing enough for her.

      I knew her schedule was hectic, to mention work placement for a graduate year in nursing, 3 children under 5. I had to consider my own daughter and our therapy commitments and programs. I am not a robot. As it is I am on burnout.

      We are tired of all the pushing, asking, messaging and trying. It feels like we push against a stone wall. We get critisised for trying, we get critisised for not trying. I hate most of all the comparison we were put under against her 2 sets of parents. I know the darkness will haunt me soon in a big wave.

      At this time my other son has returned from Canada after 5 and half months and I have distractions. But I think of my estranged son every day. I’m disappointed and sad that he ignored our plea to see him, around his birthday. He said he would but cancelled, said he would again the following week and then nothing.

      My son that returned from Canada went to see his brother, with our birthday gift and six pack of beer. No acknowledgement or even a 2 word text. He either doesn’t care or has no emotional awareness. The only reason he replied to the text message plea to see him around his birthday was because his dad sent him a pic of a caravan build he is making.

      Our son likes to build things, and we thought this would get him responding, which it did, but it didn’t play out. I am very scared of when this comes to the surface again, The anguish of this estrangement is gone a bit deeper inside of me and I do know it will surface, I don’t know or sure when. I am really scared of the sadness and realisation. Thank you for reading.

    • #97140
      AvatarKaiserw
      Participant

      Not sure if I am doing this correctly. Just joined today. Three sons and have drifted slowly into estrangement with them. It’s a long story and I won’t get into it all here. Was married for 32 years then came to realization she was an alcoholic. I ended the marriage in 2006. She remained in closer contact with them than I did. Tried but it is not my forte and I accept that.

      Remarried in 2013 and we tried to have a family Christmas in November; that left the Christmas holiday open for them to attend Christmas Day with her and her family. We were in Italy last October and were late trying to organize the November get-together. It was not possible so we agreed to set a date in January however I felt there was a definite lack of interest on their part. Both my wife and I had the definite sense that something was wrong but we did not know what. On Christmas Day I decided I would not contact them as a test and see what the response would be. None of them contacted me. On January 1st, I sent an email message wishing them all a Happy New Year; only son #2 responded with a Happy New Year wish and an apology for not contacting me on Christmas Day. There were some “nasty things going on” but he said no more. There was no reply from sons #1 and #3.

      On the morning of April 6, 2019 I received a text from Son #2 telling me his mother (my ex-wife) had died from cancer the prior evening. She had been ill for 18 months and he did not want me to get the news on social media (she had just turned 65). He also revealed it was her explicit request that I not be advised of her illness (we were not cordial but I no idea what she thought I would do if I were told she was seriously ill!)

      I attended the funeral but only after asking if all three were OK with my being in attendance (she and I did not have an amicable relationship). Sons #2 & #3 were OK, no reply from Son #1. The funeral went as well as could be expected; her family was cordial and I am not aware of any issues that
      happened that day.

      No contact with them after that. Gave benefit of the doubt they were adjusting to the death of their mother. My birthday is May 25th and Son #2 sent a text wishing me a Happy Birthday; there was nothing from the other two. Again benefit of doubt they may have forgot.

      Father’s Day came and there was no contact from any of them. No phone call, card, email or text message. There has been nothing since and I have ceased trying to make any contact. Birthdays can be overlooked however I don’t see how with all the hype one would overlook Father’s Day.

      So that is where things sit. Christmas is just around the corner and I expect there will be no contact. I doubt there will be no contact ever going forward. I honestly do not know what their issue is with me; perhaps I never will.

      Life isn’t always fair. We adapt and move on.

    • #97250
      AvatarSunRider
      Participant

      Hello, I am nervous since I am brand new to social media, but need to find avenues to help myself, so here goes.

      I have two estrangements to deal with. My son has been estranged for 6 years, most likely due to his addictions and sensing my husband (his step-father) and my disappointment. We have helped him try to rehab a couple of times, and all of a sudden he quit all communications. I don’t know where he is or how to even find him.

      However, 5 years ago we got custody of my granddaughter at age 13 (my daughter is her mother and was also battling alcoholism, sober now 4 years) which helped me have another focus. She was what we felt was a perfect child. She was in the honor society, active in our church, very strong in athletics and never gave us any issues. We held off on our retirement so we could provide her experiences and support her in extracurricular activities. We moved her into college in Aug, and within a week she was lying to us and we learned her boyfriend was staying in her dorm room. We advised her we could not condone that behavior and if she wanted to be a full adult she could start taking care of her expenses. She took some items from home and moved them all over to her boyfriends family and then lied and told people we kicked her out, We have tried to have two conversations in late Aug which were horrible, in which we were called toxic, and other mean comments. No communication since Aug. My daughter (her mother) was in communication, but once her mother expressed her thoughts on the situation, she is now cut off too. She is using what she has learned through the 12 step program to deal with the loss.

      I was crying every day, but with reading Ms. McGregor’s book (about 1/3 through) and seeing a therapist I am trying to remake my identity since every action/decision has been based on our granddaughter’s needs the past few years, but it’s really hard here at the holiday season. Any suggestions on how to stop thinking about both of them constantly and wondering why someone you thought you knew so well turns out to be someone totally different? How do you accept that the person estranged does not have the love for you that you have for them? Does the hurt get better with time?

      Thank you for listening and letting me vent. It is helpful to know I am not alone in this type scenario.

    • #97383
      AvatarMsNettie
      Participant

      Same story as many here but with a really fun bourgeois twist!
      I’m a mom of 2 adult sons
      My husband of 20 years has 1 son, 1 daughter- adults
      For 15 years we lived, loved & grew into a finely blended family.
      Estranged from us is MY 1st born son. The estrangement began shortly after his move to Florida from Pennsylvania, where he moved to be with his college girlfriend (both attended PSU).
      She had just completed a year studying abroad & earning her Masters degree, debt free (in the USA!!!).
      We talked before he left, I shared my concerns & he listened. I wasnt crazy about the idea, especially as he had yet to finish his Bachelors degree, but he promised he would with only 12 additional credits needed…”hey Mom FSU is sooo much cheaper than PSU”, while I argued things like “we will no longer be able to pay your car insurance”. Back & forth we went & then tearfully for both of us…he left.
      We very naturally kept in contact for a year or 2, whilst they shared an apartment. They then bought a house. It was after this that things changed, and this is just for reference. The purchase of this house was not funded by us, at all & maybe that’s a part of the problem? We had been invited to Thanksgiving in Florida & we happily rsvp’d… just try & stop us!
      Strangely, g/f’s mom asks me “dont you think they got a great deal on this house? *cringe* The kids appeared to be in no financial distress, I was taught its rude to ask what people pay for things, and so answered “I’m not familiar with real estate in your area PLUS where I come from, it’s considered rude to ask about a “nunya”. LOL
      It didnt stop her tho from sharing the kids financials…up to & including how many dollars she “loaned” towards downpayment. I much prefer keeping my eyes on my own paper!
      Wrapping this up, sorry it was just to be an introduction 🙂
      Our estrangement with who shall henceforth be referred to as child #3 began formally September 2019. Initiated by ME, following another exhausting trip to Florida where my character, motives and perceptions were assaulted. Kid #4 was there too, saw & heard it all.
      Oddly, tho my estrangement with kid #3 only started months ago, is been running damage control for years because he stopped communicating with all the siblings, my sister (his only & beloved Aunt), extended family members & friends for a few years now.
      I’d apologize for their lack, making excuses for him.
      How dare kid #3 treat all the people who love & care about him as an insignificant bother? I’m infuriated but will not let it ruin the rest of our beautiful family! It doesnt feel any better just being crapped on last & I’m angry that he treated those I love badly.
      What happened to kid #3?
      The world may never know 🙁

    • #97423
      Avatarclassyk8
      Participant

      Like so many, I am approaching the second Christmas now with neither of my two daughters speaking with me. My kids were my life from birth and I gave it my all and did everything with them until they started to build their own lives. I feel that I was a great parent but now feel like a failure because of this situation. I find it hard to believe that after so many wonderful years that they would turn their backs on me and basically write me off. Everyone has their own story as do I of what may have been or was the catalyst to create this. My story is complicated an certainly not one that I would go into detail about in this introduction but there was a lot of change in my later years. This change came as a shock and and brought out grieving type emotions but they did work through it. As time went on our relationship started to strain and eventually things got so twisted which resulted in their abandonment. Was I good paren? YES, am I perfect?, NO, have I made some mistakes that I have acknowledged, YES but it wasn’t enough for them. At the end of the day my kids don’t accept certain aspects of my life and have left me. I think about them every day, my heart is hurting so much, lots of tears and the only thing I hold on to is hope. Hoping that one day they will come back to me. Now it’s the Christmas season and I get so down hearing commercials talking about how Christmas is such a great time for families. I have no family now and just want to get through this season. Hugs for every parent in this situation with your kids.

    • #97485
      AvatarBlueangel53
      Participant

      Dear Group and Sheri
      Thank you for being here. I have to be honest and say this: I hurt my family including my two children with being an alcoholic. I sobered up on April 1, 1991 and have never had a drink since. (It was thru AA). My son found it in his heart to forgive me (its genuine) though until very recently we did not maintain contact except if I wanted to read his FB page. His wife died rather unexpectantly from brain cancer last week. I attended the large funeral last Monday. I say all this to say that it was at the funeral of my daughter in law that I saw my estranged daughter, her husband and their two children (small under five). She ignored me and though i came up to say hi she did not respond and her little boy looked up at me with a blank stare. He of course did not know I technically am his grandmother. The pain of her hatred and the ignoring like I don’t exist stabs me in the heart every time it happens. I am stunned even though in my mind I am totally aware of the estrangement. Still if someone fb’s me about another child shs is having or that she got married-or what she does for a living it is a total shock all over again. There is the shock- then the feeling of deep shame, and then some anger and then all i want to do it isolate.
      I have deep shame at her rejection. On the surface I get it but on another level I can’t get it. I mean she loathes me so much so that I have never met her husband or two children (a third on the way), Has never called, emailed etc. There is this part of me that ignores how much she hates me and looks down on me. My memories of her as a little girl and how she is now..it is impossible for me to tie it all together to emotionally accept. I know but I don’t get it tho in a lot of ways I do get it. This has gone on for 21 years. Over the years since I sobered up I have made a few feeble attempts to say how sorry I was/am but it inevitably falls dead like trying to connect two hoses whose rims are not cut the same. They just will not connect. I am 66 and it is too late. At the funeral (amazing that my son invited me to the family meal) he said “so you see you have two grandchildren. I said “yes I tried to speak with her but she was having none of it. I am sorry for whatever it is. He said “there is nothing you can do Mom”.
      The backdrop of all this is that both my children are church people and professing christians. So their ideals of charity, forgiveness, and love do not extend to me but they do to everyone else.My son was a pastor. So its makes me doubly ashamed of myself. They look down on me that much. I am not asking for closeness just to be treated like a casual friend-someone one talks to once in a while.
      Back in the day there were things that happened that were beyond my control. I did divorce their father. Then he did what they now call “parental alienation,” and he got custody of them. After I recovered and got my life back I adopted a handicap girl who had been severely abused. That was the last straw i was told.
      That doesn’t make sense but it does make sense- Which is it? I am a shameful person, I am not a shameful person -which is it? I don’t deserve to have a relationship with my grandchildren-or do I? There are no real answers. So I stay in limbo navigating through the same cycle over and over. The cycle is I hear second hand or thru FB something about their lives I did not know. Then I feel shock then shame, then anger and then hurt. The hurt never gets resolved. I have always believed that something positive can come out of the worst tragedies and circumstances. I am still waiting to see what that is.

    • #97450
      Avatarredtulips
      Participant

      Hello! My story is a bit different but the pain is the same. I have three children, two older daughters and a son. My son and I do not talk often but he reaches out to me and always responds when I reach out to him. We both have intermittent contact with my daughters. Both go in and out of periods when communication stops. Sometimes for a month sometimes for half a year. They get emotionally overloaded so very easily. Both unfortunately were molested by their father. They were 6 and 8 and I did not know but was in the process of leaving him. They never revealed the abuse until they were in their 30″s. They are both in their mid to late thirties now. I have much compassion for them but their silence still hurts.

    • #97524
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Hello to new members. Your notes here have been read, and you’ve been heard. I hope you will all begin to talk in some of the other threads. Sometimes the introduction notes just get lost…. You are very welcome here! Please join in the other threads.

      Hugs! And again, welcome to all. I’m sorry you have a need to be here, but I am glad you found the site.

      Sheri McGregor

    • #97529
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Blueangel53, please don’t beat yourself up. We have all made mistakes and you are no different. I encourage you to read Sheri’s book Done with the Crying. One of the many things you will learn is how to forgive yourself and forgive your children as well. You don’t forgive for a relationship, you forgive to let go of the hurt and pain. You are worthy of forgiveness and your children are as well. It’s time you walk the journey of healing and moving forward. It’s your daughters decision to estrange from you, it wasn’t your decision. You cannot change their behavior or their mind. Actually, you cannot change anything but yourself. Start changing yourself by forgiving yourself and loving yourself. You have been sober for a long time and taken responsibility for your actions. What more can you do? You don’t deserve a lifetime of unhappiness! I’m sure one of the things you learned is AA was the Serenity Prayer.

      It’s time my friend, it’s time to love yourself enough to forgive yourself and your girls. Let go of the hurt that you do not deserve. Please order Sheri’s book and do the exercises as they will redirect your thinking to a more positive life without the pain you carry.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #97559
      AvatarPickhername
      Participant

      Heartbroken
      My oldest son, upper 20’s, has been no contact since July. I miss him and my granddaughter terribly. Blocked from all communications, he moved and I do not have his address. It seems hopeless, he hates me and I know I made mistakes but him wanting me out of his life was a complete shock. I have begged, he hates me. No pain have I ever experienced like this. I lost my job, too depressed to get out of bed most days. Now the Holidays makes it so much worse. I just feel lost

    • #97564
      AvatarMab
      Participant

      Good Morning! I’m so confused, so am so glad to be here.

      When our son left home, he met a girl. She came from an unhappy home, and started trying to get him to get him to cut us off. This was 25 years ago. They were just divorced a few years ago, and we hung in there, even moving several thousand miles at his request after our grandchild was born 15 years ago. Then it started in earnest. At one point he cut us off from himself and our grandkids for two years. Every holiday, he is either out of town, or gets mad at us just before and we are alone. This year is no exception. He got mad at us in October, and we haven’t heard from him since. The big problem was he asked us when we wanted to go to his daughter’s b/d party… Wednesday or Sunday. We said Sunday. We weren’t told of any party, but it was all posted on FB with pictures of his girlfriend’s family who flew in from out of town and the caption #Best Family Ever. I just can’t take any more. I’m hurt and exhausted and so is my husband.

    • #97570
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Glad you made it on, Mab!

      You are among friends here who have gone through the chaos, hung on, and are often confused still because it’s nonsensical.

      I look forward to interacting with you here where you will find support. Join the other threads.

      Hugs,
      Sheri McGregor

    • #97596
      AvatarMab
      Participant

      Thank you, Sheri! I read your book and that brought me here. Thank you so much for everything you do!

    • #97764
      AvatarOddogg
      Participant

      Hello, thank you for accepting me to your forum. I can’t believe this is happening and to so many of us. Our stories are so similar. I had the best life ever until my beloved husband of 11 years was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in April of 2018. I thought that diagnosis would bring my sister closer. We had always been close but since marrying my husband she seemed to pull away and exclude me but not my two daughters or my grandchildren
      I began counseling before my husband was diagnosed to try to mend fences with my sister. I thought we were on the right track but after my husband was diagnosed I hardly heard from her. No phone calls, just a few texts to say, “Thinking of you.” Everyone loved my husband. He had no flaws. He was kind to everyone. I was my family’s scapegoat.
      He had surgery 6 hours from our home. He had many complications. We were in and out of the hospital for 11 months. I was his sole caregiver. I asked for their support to come and be with me. When we were home I was his sole caregiver. I am not a nurse but I learned how to give him his meds and food through his j tube. He could not swallow anything for 11 months. I had to drive him six hours back to the hospital over mountains in winter while he was aspirating. I thought he would die then and there. He never healed from the surgery. I watched him deteriorate day by day u till he was a skeleton. I pleaded for help. All I got was, “We sent you a text, do you want an email too?!” I never heard from my sister. She never called or offered to come and be with me. Neither did my daughters.
      I asked over and over what did I do? I wanted to make amends and go to group therapy but I got nothing. My daughter blockrd me when my husband was dieing. I couldn’t call them to tell them. I was hurt and angry and breaking down. He was dieing before my eyes and I was alone. I did a stupid thing out of anger. I defriended one of my daughters on FB. I detest FB and never go on it. My da7prefer texting but I think it is a terrible way to communicate. I wanted to hear their voices. Anyway, my entire family, sister two daughters and their husbands have cut me off. They won’t let me contact my grandchildren whom we had a fabulous loving rela6with. My youngest daughter had her first child 3 days after my husband died 9.9.19. I have never seen a picture of her.
      No one from my family came to my husband’s Celebration of Life, no invites for the holidays. One day I was a wife, mother, sister, grandmother and the next I was alone and still don’t know who I am. The worst part is that when your entire family dumps you the world judges you and thinks it was my fault and I must have done horrible for them to abandon me, but I have asked and no one will tell me. I thought I knew these people and that they lived me and would support me through the nightmare my husband and I were enduring. I am guilty of asking for their help. If I am guilty of anyt6else I would like to know and work it out. They are cowards, always the victims, never at fault. They take no responsibility for their actions. They won’t speak to me u till I get help. They have accused me of having Borderline Personality Disorder despite the fact I have been in therapy for a year and my therapist sees no symptoms of any personality disorders and after what I went through for the past year she and other psychologists I have talked to are suroU am sane at all. So I am really. Sometimes I think I have slipped into the insa8hole but I manage to climb out because of friends, therapists and my hu8family. It’s almost Christmas and my life is inside out. Some days I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Mornings are the hardest. But I keep going. I try to live my life like my dear husband wanted me to even if it means losing g my entire family.

    • #97893
      AvatarSvdbygrc50
      Participant

      Wow, where do I even begin? 😢 I write this with tears and hopelessness.
      I have 2 daughters, 26 & 24. I came from a tumultuous marriage of 22 years; my girls painfully remember it, though I protected them from most of what I dealt with because I didn’t have the means or option to leave my marriage at the time. I finally broke free 7 years ago. He was abusive to me, but not my girls, so I felt removing myself from the situation would bring peace.
      Neither of them have ever blamed me for leaving; in fact, they understood. What happened next was a little harder for my younger to accept.
      (Please don’t judge me-I’m being open and honest to provide a background for help)
      My daughter’s best friend’s parents also did not have a good marriage and later, we fell deeply in love. He had even been suicidal in his marriage at times, so we both found comfort in one another. I tried desperately to remove myself from the situation but he wanted very much to be with me and we were married in 2016. While this was hard for my daughter and her friend initially, they eventually gave us their support, participated in our wedding and many times repeated that they knew we were better for each other. Many, many tears of repentance and pain has been mulled over the years, and even though the girls agreed that both my husband I saved each other’s lives, there will always be an understandable wound that I can’t go back and fix.
      This year, my daughter chose to move in with her younger boyfriend and his parents. I initially worried about this because my older had done this as well when I was first divorced and the mother turned her against me for a couple of years (she and I are now fine and she lives back in my area, away from her). I would expect that a normal disconnect would be there as she made her way to independence, but there was something more I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Being one who likes to keep the air clear, I would try to get her to talk to me, but she would not. Instead, I would get an angry text or phone call when I made a mistake or decision that she felt hurt her feelings (that wasn’t at all personal) and she suddenly started speaking to me in a tone of disrespect I had never heard. Unfortunately, trying to be open with her about my hurt that I didn’t hear from her was not taken the same way I received her, a problem we have always had and I have always felt like I walk on eggshells as to not upset her.
      Recently, I noticed that she was being very supportive of her father on social media, which normally I would be fine with, even with my history with him. But it was harder with her ignoring me. When I reached out to her, she didn’t want to talk again.
      I have to add an important footnote that I struggle with a lifelong insecurity of rejection that causes me to retreat and “hide”. It’s something anyone who has known me knows about me, and she definitely does.
      Back to recent events; when I sensed her rejection, I answered with “I have my answer :(“ I impulsively blocked her on Facebook and the circle around her (including her boyfriend and parents who all seem to have judged me based on social media actions) as an attempt to protect myself. It didn’t last for more than 15 minutes and I instantly took it off. I then tried to text her. She blocked me. On Facebook, I had unblocked her by now and put as my cover photo a quote that SHE gave me that your story starts with your mother. Then she blocked me back. I messaged her on Instagram. She read my deep cries for forgiveness and then blocked me there.
      I do think that for the most part, there has been healing from the divorce, but this past year I started posting publicly about how I wanted to be stronger and even voiced about the abuse I endured in a passive manner. This is what I think got her angry. I found out it was about this time she stopped following me (though others have said there was absolutely nothing wrong with what I did or said).
      I know in reading all this I sound like I must have been a horrible mom (especially after the second relationship) and that she has pent up anger. And maybe she does. But please read further.
      Throughout their childhood, I protected my babies with everything I possibly could as a woman trapped in an abusive marriage without an escape. When my girls grew up, I was there every minute they needed me, for every financial need, every direction they needed; heck, even when my daughter had someone hit her in a parking lot after she had lunch with her father she called ME. I have always admitted that I made mistakes and that I was wrong at times. But my mistakes doesn’t negate how much I have loved and sacrificed for my kids and THIS is what kills me. 💔 I am hearing stories now that she has told people in her circle how my love was conditional; this is so incredibly offensive and hurtful no words can even describe the pain.
      If it weren’t for the love and support of my husband, I wouldn’t be breathing right now because I literally wanted to die the other night. My soul cried a cry of anguish I never have heard from myself before and I felt defeated, like all my love for them cannot be seen. That my sins (that weren’t against them personally) cannot be forgiven. That I am not loved enough to try to reconcile with 💔💔💔
      I am embarrassed and shamed by my story. I am angry that my ex has gotten away with all his behavior. I am angry that she would lie, after absolutely everything I have done for her and say such ugly things that causes others to judge me without knowing the truth. I am devastated and cannot even keep the picture up she gave me of me holding her as a baby because I am so broken hearted.

      I am not not taking responsibility for anything. But I do think that if you love your family you don’t cut them off. You don’t know if something will happen that you never had the chance to make it right. And that is what hurts. Does she even love me? 💔

    • #97935
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Svdbygrc50, you have come to the right place, you will find support here. No one here will judge you so don’t worry about that. This is a safe place and a place to heal your broken heart. I’m sorry that you are in such distress and even have the need to be here but I’m so glad you found this forum.

      I do have a few suggestions if you don’t mind. It’s been my experience that when your child is not talking to you, the more you reach out and chase for the relationship the more silence you will hear. Your daughter’s rejection of communication with you is her decision, not yours. You are actually pushing her farther away when you seek new ways to contact her. I know it drives you crazy not to hear from her and it’s all you can focus on. You cannot change your daughter or control the situation. The only thing you can control is yourself and how you react to her choices. As hard as it is, you have no other choice but to step back and respect her decision. Her silence is a request/demand for no contact. Honestly, I think if you will just let her be and fight the urge to chase her she will come around.

      I read your post and I could have read it wrong but this started when you put something on social media and the abuse you suffered from her father. While your daughter knows in her heart you suffered abuse from her father she probably didn’t like the world reading anything negative about her dad. She probably felt sorry sorry for him that he was publicly shamed, although he deserves it. These kids know the truth but probably don’t want to read about it. I hate you were abused by this man and you certainly did not deserve that nor this estrangement.

      The absolute best advice I can give you is to order Sheri’s book Done with the Crying. This book helped me get through my 6 years of turmoil in estrangement from my daughter. The exercises are so important and helpful in dealing with rejection.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #97961
      AvatarLoveMyChildeen
      Participant

      Hi, I’m almost afraid to write too much as I know it would be obvious who I am. I have 3 children who I’m estranged from. My abusive ex husband has not only encouraged this, but helped with it. Again, trying not to put out too many details.
      I’ve been physically assaulted by 1 of my children several times. The others are aware but she’s very manipulative, mentally ill, and convinces one of them that it didn’t happen. She and my ex simply agree I “deserve” the abuse.
      The third child is also mentally I’ll and we were very close until very recently. He has severe issues with depression, but has become suicidal the last couple years. I’ve had to talk hum down from it at least once or twice a month. He bcame violent against his GF and having hallucinations and delusions, per his comments to me. He also became violent against me, twice verbally and once physically. Then one day when he threatened suicide I took action to have him picked up because I couldn’t talk him down any longer. He lied his way out and now refuses to speak to me and has told himself that all the truth that he knew in the past (about me being assaulted, etc) is suddenly not true.
      My kids saw my ex abuse me growing up. 😪 I blame myself for some of this. I feel like I should have left earlier. They may have come out better. OTOH, the one daughter, I believe it’s genetic. Likely it’s on the ASPD spectrum, which is sad, because she will not likely ever get help.
      I have 3 grandchildren I haven’t seen in over a year, one which I’ve never seen. The one I raised in my home most of her life until this happened. I despaired over all this until recently. I can’t allow these mentally ill children to ruin my life, like I allowed their father to do for over 20 years. 😕

    • #97963
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      LoveMyChildren,

      There will be someone who reads this and will think you have been living her life.

      No. You cannot let them ruin your life. You will be supported here. Welcome to you.
      HUGS,
      Sheri McGregor

    • #97969
      AvatarBetrayedbymyson
      Participant

      Hi. My middle son is in his late 30s and has not had any communication with me for 2 years. We have had issues since he was 14 or 15. I have a good relationship with his 2 brothers. The final blow came 2 weeks ago. My dad passed away and my son didn’t even have the decency to acknowledge that I had lost my dad. I have cried a million tears, left phone messages, text messages, and emails, all with no response. I have finally accepted the fact that it is no use. I’m not going to spend anymore time trying to contact him. I’m going to go on with my life and hopefully someday things will change. But I am no longer getting my hopes up.

    • #97972
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Dear Betrayed,

      My condolences on the loss of your father.

      Your decision is a wise one.

      Big hugs to you.

      Sheri McGregor

    • #97975
      AvatarLoveMyChildeen
      Participant

      Thank you. I’m grateful for this site. I found it while looking for books on the subject. I listen to audiobooks from my library. It helps. Most days I can get through now,having come to realize I’ve done all I can. I’ve been an open book, even told them they can spew out their anger about anything I’ve done that hurt them grow ing up, as long as it’s not done in a violent way. Nothing. If they can’t take me up on that, it’s their own fault.

    • #97994
      AvatarSilvermoon
      Participant

      I can’t remember if I have introduced myself before, but even if I have I want to give a catch-up on what has happened to me this year, I hope you don’t mind. My eldest child, a daughter, is the one who is estranged from not just me, but also her brother and sister. It first happened twenty years ago after her first wedding. We didn’t understand then and still don’t now. Anyway after two years she came back into our life with a little boy, our first grandchild. I didn’t meet him until he was one year old and my dear husband when he was two. All seemed ok and nobody really spoke about what happened or why. I think that was a mistake. She went on to have a daughter a year later. A couple of years after that she had an affair (which we knew nothing about) , she became pregnant and dumped her husband and that poor man had sacrificed so much for her you wouldn’t believe. We felt so sorry for him then and I still do. She went on to have that baby, a boy and another baby, also a boy. She got married and we carried on walking on eggshells, mainly because we didn’t want to lose our dear grandchildren, after all none of this is their fault. Five years ago she decided she didn’t want to know us again. My husband and I drove to her house, she lives a hundred miles from us. She was out, but her husband and children, apart from the eldest were there, we were not allowed in with no reason as to why. So we drove back home, we were both angry as hell. We wrote to her begging her to tell us why, what did we ever do, we got no reply of course. My daughter sent her an email filled with love and received one back full of hate. When she showed that to me and her dad we all said that’s it, enough is enough. There will be no going back for me, it has been five years like I say since I have seen her. This may sound awful but I really don’t expect to see her again and I don’t actually want to and I know my husband felt the same way because he told me. My darling husband died this year, we were married 48 years and I miss him terribly. I am glad we had our youngest daughter and our son who are both lovely and such a blessing. My husband said ‘well my love, like meatloaf said, two out of three ain’t bad’. He was right, peace and love to you all.

    • #97999
      AvatarAnonymous
      Inactive

      After spending another long, endless night awake, with my son’s hurtful words echoing over and over in my head, I found this group this morning. I am 70, my son is 50. He has high-functioning autism with savantism. He has a college degree, has a good job, drives his own car, lives independently. His coping skills are becoming less as he gets older, and his behavior toward me become increasingly mean and toxic, especially since his father died 3 years ago. My son also has some delusional thinking. His has said some horribly abusive things to me. Telling me that I’m stupid, untalented and re-writes history. I’ve even had friends tell him that his memory of things was inaccurate, but he believes what he wants to believe. I own my past behavior that was less than perfect. But I will not own what I didn’t do. I feel that he hates me and wants to destroy me.

    • #98155
      AvatarEstrangedforyears
      Participant

      I have been estranged from my adult daughter for seven years as of December 21. I care alone for her sister who is developmentally disabled and living in a group home. I am a widow, and active in the arts. My estranged daughter has similar talents, the days and years go by and I try to go on. When a young mother I was overwhelmed, escapist and made serious mistakes I cannot fix with her and regret. People talk on and on about adult children and grandchildren, I outwardly accept it all and go on but am starting to cry writing this as it is Christmas. My special needs daughter is overnight from her group home is here but requires two people to get her to the bathroom, is often in a wheelchair. She is sweet and asks for her sister. A friend is spending the night to help. This is my life.

    • #98167
      AvatarLillypad
      Participant

      My Husband left me when my son was 3. Raised him a single parent and still never remarried. I encouraged my son to complete college and not enter the Marines right away. In college he found his wife. They had one and only one child. So I had one child and so did they. My son entered the Marines and than married. My x married his affair lady who is now. Closer to my son than I. I was treated like a stranger at his wedding and then my son and wife made the decisions to completely exclude me from all family things, everything including Holidays.
      My one and only granddaughter is all but foreign to me. My sone just completed 3 years at his last duty station and bought a home in Wa. State. I live in NV. He. Could have moved further and gone to Canada.

    • #98204
      AvatarButterfly12
      Participant

      Hi. I guess it’s time for me to introduce myself to the group. I have been estranged from my oldest daughter for 7 years now and my youngest daughter for 2 years. My oldest daughter is now 45 years old and my youngest daughter is 42. I have 5 beautiful grandchildren , 4 boys and one girl. It all started when I divorced their father after 23 years of marriage. He had started hitting me and was having an affair. He married his mistress exactly 6 months after I filed for a divorce. She immediately started talking about me to my girls and telling them lies about me that she’d gotten from him plus a few I’m sure she made up. It was ok for a couple of years and then it started. They were able to resist her and they actually hated her. Then her brand of brainwashing became effective and they would come to me with questions and I would answer them.
      Then their dad got cancer and died. And apparently I was at fault for that to. My oldest daughter took it the hardest we all begged her to get grief counseling but she wouldn’t. I actually think she may be bipolar or borderline schizophrenia. I took her on vacation with me just 2 of us to try to work things out. While we were driving home she attacked me physically and I had to call 911. She then filed a protective order against me and told everybody I hit her 1st. I had To go to court. And the judge believed me and told us to stay away from each other for 30 days and return. She didn’t return so all the charges against me were dropped. Needless to say I don’t get to see those grandchildren anymore. Over the 7 years I have apologized to her for things I didn’t do or say I have written her long beautiful letters I have tried to call her and it does no good whatsoever. My youngest daughter will side with her just so she can see her nephews . A couple of times my youngest daughter would call me when she had the boys and I could go over there and see them but that didn’t last very long. she was afraid my oldest daughter would find out . Course all this time the mistress stepmother was working on them. Even though she’s no longer their stepmother since their dad died. And of course since he’s dead everything he said is now gospel. We used to spend all the holidays together and it was wonderful and the grandchildren were little and precious. But since the evil stepmother and my oldest daughter have been consistently working on my youngest daughter they have now convinced her that I am the evil one. 2 years ago she told me she wasn’t coming back. I won’t go into all the horrible things that had been said and done to me. And the horrible fights we’ve had While I was desperately trying to make them understand that I have done nothing wrong. That this is coming from the evil stepmother. All the grandchildren have now been turned against me. Oh how they used to love their grandma.
      I finally decided I’d had enough. They would hurt me and act like they wanted to make up just so they could hurt me again and laugh. I can’t let them hurt me again. I don’t think I could take anymore.
      So it’s Christmas Day and I’m alone again.This time it’s my choice. I sold my home and moved away. They don’t know where I am or how to reach me. It was the only thing I knew to do to protect myself. I hope someday I can find new people to love and spend time with. maybe a new husband. Maybe even a new family. I pray for that. I saw a therapist for a while to try to teach me how to deal with the pain. I don’t know If it helped very much because I still hurt an awful lot. I haven’t hung their pictures up in my new home yet, I don’t know if I ever will. I know I’m like the rest of you, birthdays, Christmas,Thanksgiving are very very difficult. I don’t get out of bed or off the couch if I don’t have to. I don’t call them because I don’t want to feel that rejection anymore.
      I can’t believe they chose their evil stepmother over me. Anybody can ask them about their childhood and I’ve heard them say they had a wonderful childhood. I don’t understand have grown women can buy in to somebody else’s lies. Especially when it’s about their mother.

      Butterfly12

    • #98192
      AvatarCoddiwomple
      Participant

      Hello. I am nearly two years out on this trip of my daughter holding only hate in her heart for me. I spend a lot of time fighting for joy and happiness, living a life that is so cold af times I think I am living in an alternate reality. An incredibley cruel, heartless alternate reality. I know the value of having joy and I try hard to keep that, in what feels like, a crippled heart. To me it feels like a part of me is gone, ripped away, I can almost “see” me torn, only a part left.
      I do continue on, time is creating a space allowing more time to pass between the bouts of almost physical pain.
      Divorcing her father five years ago after 34 years due to his infidelity could be part of her hate, we were a close strong family before that. Maybe she always held a sense of hate for me. I do not know.
      She is 30, has a boyfriend I’ve only met briefly. We were always so involved in each others lives, my x, her brother, his kids…but now Iam a stranger in her life. They all have a relationship and I have a separate relationship with them without her, it is strange, awkward and painful.
      I had been reaching out, trying and trying; apologies, pleading, being firm. Nothing worked, the hate blocks it all. So I’m giving up for a while.
      I always think, what can I learn? Through this I am learning to be more supportive of my own character although this changed how I saw myself, how I thought others perceived me and my actions. But I know my heart. I know my heart has always been full of love for my kids.
      There is strength in reading others posts. I appreciate being connected here. Thank you.

    • #98241
      AvatarMonet
      Participant

      Hey everyone. Finally got the nerve to write something. I have 2 adult kids who are putting me through hell for the past 5 years now. I am trying so hard to let them go, and I do ok most of the time but the holidays are a killer for me from Thanksgiving to after New years. I have been in the house alone for months; just going out for food and pet needs.

      Haven’t been able to stop crying; the pain is so great in the pitt of my stomach that I can’t put it into words. I am so done with them both, just don’t know how to let them go and be the fun loving person I once was. Please don’t recommend therapy because in my experience, it’s a waste of time and money. Thanks

    • #98156
      AvatarENDURE262
      Participant

      Merry Christmas, everyone!

      I am a  54 year old teacher from Missouri, raised by a narcissist mom who tried to alienate me from my father when she divorced him. Being psychologically minded, and 21 at the time, I resisted, and I was able to say to both of my parents, “I am not to be involved in your relationship as man and woman, husband and wife. I love you both, as both of my biological parents.” I desperately searched for approval and love from my mother, and it took me about 50 years to realize she was not capable. I will always love her, though; I know she did the best with what she had at the time. She, herself, didn’t have the most functional upbringing nor did my dad.

      Fast forward many years later after being groomed to be codependent searching for love from whom I could never get it, I divorced my exhusband, also a narcissist with childhood trauma, after 26 years of being gaslit and emotionally and verbally abused. We married young, and I thought I was marrying into the opposite situation as my family of origin.

      While in my youth, I stated that I wasn’t a children person, young children have always been drawn to me, first as a babysitter, and then, as I changed careers from journalism into teaching, as a solution to my relationship with my ex, who assumed we would just have children and everything would be ok.

      Foolishly, I believe that would solve our problems. And while I love my children dearly, I found myself in the same position as my own mother, doing the best I had with what I had at the time. I know I wasn’t the best of parent to my children; however, I was not physically, mentally, spiritually, financially abusive the way my mother was to me.

      I divorced my ex when they were 15, 17 and 19. All along, under my nose, when my ex had realized that I was preparing to leave (I went back to finish my MAT and then got a job), the alienation was simmering right in front of me.

      My children and I were close, but had tenuous dealings at time, as they were also high strung and suffering trauma of our dying marriage. I recognized that, and while my plans were to leave when the last one graduated high school, I could no longer stand by and let my children be affected by our terrible choices.

      From 0 to 60, in minutes, my children were alienated from me. Secretly planning to buy a house, he shared personal, financial and legal details with them, taking them with him on his surrogate partner journey, parentifying them all the way.

      Soon, within 5 years of our divorce, they were completely alienated from me. And so on and so forth go the details. My own mother and family of origin was complicit in aiding him.

      I have not seen or spoken to my children, now 27, 25 and 32, for almost five years straight.

      It hurts, but with the help of this book and others, I have found a way to make amends to them as best I can and move forward with my life, finding my own joy and not determining my worth on other’s reactions to me.

      Thank you for welcoming me into this community.

       

    • #98298
      AvatarSabajeff
      Participant

      Morning from Mississippi! My wife and I are completely estranged from 1 one of our 3 children (our daughter – the oldest). We are currently in a text fight with our oldest son (he thinks that WE should have been the one to call HIM on Christmas Day) and have an on again/off again relationship with our our youngest son. Ironically, we get along the best with our former son-in-law and our grandchildren from that marriage and our “maybe” soon to be ex-daughter in law from our youngest son’s second marriage.

      Oh, yeah – my wife’s mother died and left everything to the our kids. That’s been fun.

      Christmas was hard. We sent gifts to the kids and grandkids and the only response we got was from the “maybe” soon to be ex-daughter in law thanking us for the gifts.

    • #98432
      AvatarDFWmom
      Participant

      Hi, Mom of 5, great relationships with 4 of them. My oldest daughter was addicted to meth and has spent time in several county jails and 3 years in the state penitentiary in her early 20’s, not only for her addiction, but for dealing drugs and credit card fraud as well. We paid a lot of money to get her out (yes we were absolutely her enablers) to a good lawyer because she was facing many more years in the state prison. We helped her rebuild her life from the ground up. She’s now married (ironically to a police officer) and they have 2 young children.

      Unfortunately, her longtime borderline personality disorder has become out of control. She has anger issues (she physically attacked me at a father’s day party last summer when her husband was not there; he called me and several witnesses liars about the situation…some police officer, right?). She is supposedly in therapy (but of course has conveniently failed to mention her past to them) and tells us that her “expert therapists” have told her to cut all toxic people out of her life (by toxic, she means her family). Honestly if we never saw her again, that would be fine. She frightens me, and I would never be alone with her, especially knowing that her police officer husband would look the other way. But we are heartbroken at the loss of our grandchildren. I am at the point where I feel perhaps the only recourse we have is to press assault charges against her, as I have found out I have 2 years to do so. I worry that CPS would then become involved with the children.

      She has not spoken to any of us since she assaulted me, except to tell us how her therapists think our first duty is to support her and we won’t see our grandchildren until we are better parents to her. Her husband backs up every word that comes out of my daughter’s mouth because he is too embarrassed by her behavior to admit she’s not a normal daughter, wife or mother.

      We will continue to love our grandsons, but there may be a time in the near future when I reveal everything about my daughter’s past to the other grandparents. At least they would not be wondering why we are missing bithdays, Christmas, etc. with our grandchildren.

    • #98638
      AvatarDaisey
      Participant

      Hi All,

      We are parent’s of twins, a boy and a girl. Our son and his significant other are great and our family life together is great as well. Our daughter was once super close, we did all the usual mother daughter things. She married, had two children, and divorced. We babysat for 5 years. The kids were always over here. We stood by her through her divorce, then she met and married the “practically a saint” as she has described him….He does believe he is from a much better class of people and is dismissive of us. She became like him and although would talk briefly (minutes) on the phone, she became “too busy”….my grandchildren followed suit and became “too busy”” (to even respond to texts!!She wasgreat till she was in her mid 30s….then life as we knew it ceased. Everyone was shocked to hear the changes in her as we were always close. This year I was diagnosed with cancer, had surgery and treatment, and although she sent a present and texted for a while and talked on the phone sometime, she never came over to see me…..hell, she never even told my teenage grandchildren…A couple of years ago I couldn’t stand it anymore and finally blew my top….I called my grandchildren out on not answering their grandmother. I called my daughter out for raising such rude entitled, children. I haven’t really lost anything because they are all just likeh husband now. This is a new year. I am done….really done….Now when I meet someone new I say we have one child… a son…The pain of knowing cancer and the possibility of death was not enough to draw my family together killed me….We have one child… a son… a wonderful son and I will move forward with the help of God, my husband and my son… and hopefully this forum! Thank you for listening.

    • #98729
      AvatarBeautifullife
      Participant

      Hi All –
      First, I am so glad I found this forum and Sheri’s book, Done with the crying.

      Second, this may be a long introduction and for that, I am sorry.

      I am a mother of an estranged son, 21. Even though he stopped speaking to me 2 days before Thanksgiving this year, I say estranged because it’s the 2nd time this has happened. I felt it coming again. I have a younger son, 18 who is fine and keeps me going.

      So here, is my story:
      10 years ago I divorced their father. The death of my own dad 11 years ago, made me realize that my marriage was emotionally and mentally abusive. About 5 years before I decided it was time, I was struggling with the “how to” portion of leaving. My kids are my world and I’m a child of divorce myself and didn’t want my kids to experience that. I was with my ex since high school and until my mid 30’s . In that time, I was slowly being pulled from my own family, friends and actually myself. I was being isolated from everything and everyone. I guess I could say I became estranged from my dad when I was 17 for a year and then my mom for years but I didnt realize thats what it was. Through the years, I completely lost myself, had my first born and really lost him. See, my ex’s family swooped in and “took” over. I wasn’t strong enough to stop it because I didn’t realize what was happening. 21 years ago, I couldn’t be the mother or even the wife I should have been able to be. My ex SIL and MIL would undermine everything I did as a mother and my ex never stopped it. My son was pulling away from me at that time (he has since grown up to feel entitled and sadly, he has narcissistic personality just like his dad). My youngest was born and we developed a bond and still have that to this day. He was treated differently by that family because he has such a strong personality that they really couldn’t “control” him or mold him.
      When my dad passed away 11 years ago, I realized all the time I had missed with him (Not realizing I was being isolated) and when he was in the hospital taking his last breath my ex said “Are you sure you want to make that trip? This might me another one of his stunts”. Crushed, I did something I have NEVER done before…. I went anyway. I went against him, I found my strength after all those years, I felt free! My dad past away 3 hours after I got there, he told me he loved me and that was it. That’s when I realized it was time for a change. As I was trying to figure out how to leave (I’ve never been on my own), I met my current husband, who my son now blames for our divorce. See, I have never shared my story with my boys because they shouldn’t be in the middle of this and hurt by it. Yes, my current husband was there, he gave me my courage, he was interested in me (not controlling me), he gave me a shoulder to lean on and we developed an emotional affair. We have been together for 10 years and will be married for 2 in May. It was the best thing to happen to me because I’m able to look back and realize I did get out of a bad marriage even though we didn’t fight, it wasn’t healthy. I totally was stripped from everything. My oldest is all about his dad and his dad’s family and is also now becoming isolated just as I was. I can now look back and see when this was starting, and wish I had changed that sooner. So I’m dealing with the Ex family everywhere I go and they coddling they do and tell him he is never wrong with anything. Where as I feel we are doing our kids an injustice by not pointing out their behavior. This has been the case his entire life.

      So, there is my struggle….. Sorry it was so long, but it felt so good getting that out there. I have so much more, but will keep that for my journal.

    • #98825
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Hello Beautifullife,

      Your story is one that will provide a bit of insight into what has likely happened to many other young, estranged adults, who are duped and tricked into a sort of submission. Sounds like the extended family also played a very large role. It can be very difficult to get out of that… but you did. Congratulations. Of course, the consequences remain in some respects.

      I’m sorry you’ve been through this, glad you had an epiphany, and hope that a few EAC will read your post and maybe realize what’s happening to them much sooner.

      Hugs to you and welcome.

      Sheri McGregor

    • #98832
      AvatarBeautifullife
      Participant

      Thank you Sheri –

      I just struggle having this being done to me bu my son now. He doesn’t understand fully why I had to leave the marriage and he will never understand because I didn’t feel it was right 10 years ago to put my kids in the middle of it and since I chose to be quiet, they had already started to tell him all things about me even things that are false. I wonder in insight if I would have been better off to be up front and honest than to protect them.

      I’m glad I’m here!

    • #98833
      AvatarImissmyhugs
      Participant

      Hello Everyone-
      I’m new to this forum and never in a million years would I have thought I would end up on a forum for rejected parents (or even know that such a forum existed). My husband and I raised 2 beautiful girls in a loving, caring environment. We thought we had a wonderful little family. Raising our kids was our #1 priority and every decision we made was based on what was best for our kids. I truly have no idea how we have ended up in this situation. I’m constantly asking myself “Why?” Two years ago our ED who is now 26 stopped speaking to us. We have no idea why. There wasn’t any fight or altercation. No indication that our world would be changing in such a drastic, hurtful, horrendously painful way. She has always been so loving and caring towards us. This came completely out of left field. The last two years have been the most painful I’ve ever experienced. Constantly crying, constantly trying to answer the “why” question, constantly finding ways to blame myself, constantly beating myself up for what I “should have” or “shouldn’t have” done, constantly trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make any sense. When we asked our daughter if we could come for a visit so we could talk to her, she said she didn’t want to see us. She has since changed her phone number and cut off all contact from all family members except her sister.
      My husband and I have been doing our best to get on with our lives but it’s really hard when it feels like your heart has been ripped out of your chest. I’m finally in counseling which I think is helping. My counselor keeps reminding me that I need to have compassion for myself, which is something I’m trying really hard to do. She also tells me it’s ok to cry and to feel the pain because I’m grieving. We are all grieving for the child/ren we have lost.
      My daughter did tell my mom that she “needed get her head on straight” so I’m sure mental health issues are involved. We wish we could help her through whatever she is going through. We want to support her and help her in anyway we can, but she has asked us not to so we are respecting her wishes (even though doing so is insanely difficult and painful).
      I’m grateful to have found this forum. It’s awful knowing so many other people are going through something similar but it’s also comforting to know that we are not alone. I haven’t told very many people about what I’m going through because of the attached stigma. People seem to make the assumption that the parents must have been at fault and that assumption is very painful, so it’s just easier to suffer in silence. So thank you Sheri for offering this site so we don’t feel so alone. It feels good to vent without judgement or criticism. Thank you for reading.

    • #98865
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Welcome Imissmyhugs, you have certainly come to the right place. Sheri’s book Done with the Crying certainly helped me and changed my thinking so I could at least continue to move forward and continue to live my life. I highly suggest reading it and really take your time doing the exercises. Putting a lot of focus on the exercises and journaling each day really allows you to release the build up of emotions that keeps you hurting.

      You may never find the truth to “why” your daughter has done this cruel act of rejecting her family. I learned through Sheri’s book that I had to accept my daughter’s decision and honor her wishes. I also had to accept there was nothing I could do to change her mind or her actions. Only she can change herself. Actually, the only one I really have control over is myself, my actions, my words, my attitude, and my self care. By changing your focus to the things you can control rather than the things you cannot does allow you to keep living your life, it just looks different. Estrangement changes you for sure and I’m certain it changes our children as well.

      I did find out my daughter estranged because she was an alcoholic and had shame. For all the years she scapegoated me, blamed me for all her choices, lied on me and tried turning everyone in my life against me, she is now sober and wanting to rebuild. I will never be the same but she also will not be the same. Our children are adults, we must accept the fact that they need to live their own life, make their own mistakes, and pay the consequences for the actions. My daughter (only child) is 26 and my horror has gone on for 6 years. I truly sympathize with you.

      For now, there is nothing you can do but change your focus and hope some day things change. More than likely the estrangement has nothing to do with you, your husband or anyone in your family. It’s more than likely something your daughter is struggling with and she needs space to figure her life out. She is probably trying to be an adult and do it own her own. Her silence is telling you she doesn’t want your help or advice and she needs to figure it out for herself so she can move forward. My daughter actually said that to me a few months ago and I have no reason not to believe that. Who knows what your daughters reason is, could be she just isn’t happy with the path her life is on, doesn’t feel successful or it could be anything. Whatever it is, she feels the need to break away and find herself. My advise is to order Done with the Crying. I would also suggest if your daughter does reach out, let her talk and don’t pressure her for info or anything else. Just let her know you love her. I also would not offer money, loan money or give money, as your daughter needs to see all side of the adult she is seeking to be. You will end up just feeling used. You will read about this in the book.

      I hope you post again and let us know how things are going.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #98926
      AvatarMarygoround
      Participant

      To make our introduction my husband and I have one child, a son who is recently married and they just had our first grandchild. Our son has estranged from us off and on since he was first out of highschool. He enlisted in the services and really let us have it before he left but months after that, we received a loving letter telling him how sorry he was for being an awful teenager and he was lucky to have us. It was even maybe four or five months later, we were on the outs again with him after we notified him of taking his highschool girlfriend to a play with us and she was rude and obnoxious to us and we complained to him about our ill treatment. To make a long story short on that relationship, she was cheating on him and playing trauma games on him and soon he found out she was cheating on him and he broke it off. We had told him time and time again about these different relationships during highschool on into his adult life, they were red flags but he would end up attacking us. I want to make a point here, there were other factors in my sons late adolescence that we both strongly now believe were factors. My mother was mentally ill and after being diagnosed, she lived with us for two years during that time. Then there was the other side , My husbands mother and step father who did live far away but were very manipulative from the time he was an infant and always playing some victim game or deception game to do what they wanted with him. We actually were very open to let them spend week long vacations starting in his first three years but they were always violating rules we wanted respected. What changed the dynamic was when at age three we traveled to their home to get him after a week vacation and found him in a horse pin by himself riding a tricycle around horses and had his hair all shaved off and his clothes thrown out and replaced by cowboy boots and jeans and such. We had been planning a family portrait when we got home and having his beautiful locks cut off to nothing and other issues, sealed it for us. After that we were always kind but never again let them have him for overnight. We never heard the end of the games after that. Meanwhile, we knew my mother was a handful and an influence but it was never anything we considered manipulating other than she would buy him anything he wanted when we would say no and she didn’t discipline when he was visiting her. Things we thought most grandparents were complained about. Nothing we thought was damaging. What we didn’t realize was she was criticizing us to him behind our backs and when she had to move in with us during his adolescence, she was very good at hiding her criticism and encouraging him with early dating or making him question our authority and decisions. We were endlessly fighting him. We knew it was an issue but never dreamed it would make an impact like it did but as my husband said the other day after this Christmas holiday was a disaster, my mother nailed our future to the outside wall along time ago when she underninded our authority. After those two years of her in our home, our child was never the same. My mother moved out and lived with my grandmother after that up until my grandmother died recently. Then…. it started again. The only real consolation I have with the relationship with my mother is that, my grandmother sat me down and told me my mother had been mental ill all her life, the family just tried to keep that from me. I wish i would have known before my son was so exposed to it. I am feeling so much resentment , anger, shame and guilt for denial of her behavior. She was abusive to me but not to extremes and I thought it was something I could keep from my son. Instead, it penetrated our future with our son. When my mother wasant around things were mostly peaceful with our son. He did make bad relationship choices but they always peatered out. To make this long story as short as possible. My son showed up one day with a girlfriend he’d just met but told me he was marring her. My husband knew instantly he didn’t like her but I wanted to make son happy so I was open, only noting that she was rude and snotty to him when he rubbed her back at the restaurant. The next month, they got engaged moved in together, married within six months and had a baby. During that time she isolated him and introduced him to fundamental Christianity. For about three months before the baby was born, he was so wonderfully kind to us and apologized for his behavior. My grandmother had died around that time s as and my mom became more free to call and be in contact with everyone. I started getting snotty contact from my daughter in law and even exclusions from things. As the baby was born my son was loving to us and asked us to please friend them on Facebook so we could see our granddaughter. We didn’t want to but did. Soon our son stopped texting us or calling and what activity we saw was just about the baby but our comments were never addressed or we were never included in posts with the baby. By Christmas it was getting really bad but they did want us over for Christmas so we brought my mom over to see the new baby. We thought the visit was wonderful!! Our son so happy to see us. Our daughter in law was distant but had been visiting with my mother. After the evening we told my mother just how happy we were about the evening. She informed us she felt excluded by our son but his wife was so loving. Soon after Christmas Our son sent us a nasty text telling us that we have been all wrong about both sets of grandparents and we were the ones that caused trouble. They informed us they were going to go travel to see my husbands mother. Next thing we saw was a post saying they were headed down to see their favorite people. It hurt my husband so much he had had enough and said it was time WE cut it off before we get bonded with our granddaughter and do anything to be around her. I knew he was right. I had known about Sheri’s book and forum but we had to get fed up. We are starting therapy to get coping skills and we are determined to get some peace in our life’s before they come into twilight.
      Sorry it ended up so long but I see that that is just part of all our stories. A long endless Marigoround. Not stopping . It’s time we jumped off.
      We are relieved to be here and pray we make friends and support.

      God bless us all here. We are trying to heal.

    • #98930
      Avatarhappy
      Participant

      Using the name Happy, trying to figure out how to be happy when you get rejected from adult kids. I always here you are responsible for your own happiness. I hope to read some positive things on here, reading some and it got so sad.

      Husb and I went away for the holidays and enjoyed ourself. Yep making myself happy, tired of being the victim.

    • #98937
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Welcome Marygoround, I’m glad you joined and I am confident you will find support here. I f you have ordered Done with the Crying I’m sure you will find the exercises very beneficial. There are a lot of tools that will help you refocus your thinking and help you find some peace with the situation. I am so sorry you are going through all the turmoil. I know you and your husband are so hurt with all that has been going on and it probably stays on the forefront of your minds. Try not to allow everything to consume you and all your thoughts. All of the stress that you guys have been living through is not good for your mental or physical health.

      We estranged parents have found that social media does more damage than good while we are trying to recover from all we have been through. There is not any need to make snap decisions right now but why don’t you try putting the social media away to protect your feelings from being hurt again. When you see the post and it makes you feel like you were stabbed in the heart. This and many others suggestions are in Sheri’s book. Trust me, I get it, you go to social media because you really want to know what is going on but it actually keeps you sad, depressed, hurt and angry. You start to feel like a target and then you are hurt all over again so the ball just keeps rolling. Your mind starts to go in all directions and the next thing you know, you are just emotionally drained. All this stress will shorten your life!

      Take care of yourself my friend.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #98938
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Welcome Happy, it does sound like you are working on finding some joy again. You will find support here and there is always someone to lift you up on a hard day. One thing I have learned is the only thing I can control is myself. Like you, I had to change my focus, conversations and many other things to something I CAN control. I started keeping myself busy and making plans with friends or relatives doing things that brought me joy or at least took my mind away from my sadness. You are right, it is hard to be happy when you are rejected by your AC, but we cannot control our children’s actions. We can choose to move forward with life and offer the best of ourselves that we can. Taking that much needed holiday was a wonderful start to changing your focus. Take time for yourself and enjoy those around you that is showing you love.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #98944
      AvatarMarygoround
      Participant

      Sadlostbroken, thank you for the supportive suggestions. Yes I will do that we just always worry about the back lash that we would be called uncaring or cold in not “ participating “ in my daughter in-laws constant posting of my grandchild. My son rarely posts but never contributes to our lives and she completely ignores us when we try to create conversation. I suppose that’s what we should tell them when they eventually throw that at us but we won’t. But yes. No more. As for Sheri’s book and workbook, I just received notice they will finally be here tomorrow!!!! I even did some of thebsiggthe suggestions from the sample pages I had read. I planned the day. We did very well this evening, planned a three hour saga last movie and cuddled with each other and the fur babies.
      It nice. Tomorrow evenings, a walk with the dogs and a game of i spy for seniors. Lol

    • #98962
      Avatarhappy
      Participant

      sadlostbroken, thanks for your comment, trying to figure this forum out. Yes, trying to enjoy my life and be more positive. No use being negative about things you cant control. Looking at what I have in my life, a good husband, finances, health, hobbies, friends. I have a lot to be grateful so I need to quit dwelling on this one area of my life THAT JUST IS. I can’t change it.

    • #98966
      Avatarhappy
      Participant

      Monet, we have to let go. Trying to focus on positive stuff. My 2 adult kids are negative stuff in my life but I have much positive. Yes, I am tired of crying and being sad. Making myself happy with other stuff in my life and putting the focus there and not with these dirn kids.

    • #98967
      Avatarhappy
      Participant

      betrayed, my 2 brothers did not come when Dad died. What kind of people do this. I am trying to focus on positive stuff, let go of all this negative. There are good people in the world, they are just not.

    • #98968
      Avatarhappy
      Participant

      sabajeff, this reminds me of my Mom. She is 92, leaving everything to her 2 caretakers. She thinks they think so much of her and they just like her money. Anyway she is so difficult.

      I have 2 adult children who are so difficult, yes I think they can come to us over Xmas. We went out of town and told them to come before or after and they didn’t so we didn’t give them money. Just kept it, they sure don’t deserve it.

    • #98971
      Avatarhappy
      Participant

      marygoround, going to see their favorite people. This reminds me of my adult kids. Husb and I had enough so we decided to travel this Xmas and told my 2 adult kids to stop by before or after Xmas so I could give them something (money) They had Xmas with the stepmom. My exhusb died 2 years ago and I thought my kids would be closer to me. Wrong.

      I am trying to just let go. I am trying to be positive and look at positive things in my life which surely is not these kids.

    • #98977
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Marygoround, just a suggestion, while you are doing the exercises really take your time and put a lot of thought in your answers. I guess what I am trying to say is go overboard. Give yourself lots of room. Don’t rush the book, take your time. I dedicated 1 hour each morning to healing my broken heart in my journal. I took lots of notes and really to to fit what I was reading into my situation. One thing that I noticed was the journaling released all the hurt and heavy load you have been carrying. Letting go of all that hurt and rejection really set me free to live (literally). I know this will help you as well. You will find that everyone on this forum is very kind and encouraging. It is easy to find people that have similar situations that you will connect with, even some not in similar situations You will find a connection. Some advice you will receive here will work for you and some will not. Only you know your situation and all the details so go with what is best for you. When I came here I would read the replies several times and soak them in. One thing for sure, all the advice you receive will come from someone’s heart and meant out of kindness, respect and experience.

      Please let me know how everything is going for you. The next time you post, go where you see all the topics. Go to the bottom and start a new topic or add your advice to someone else’s topic. More people read those. Have a glass of wine and enjoy a movie.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #98932
      AvatarHolden15
      Participant

      Hi,

      My daughter walked out on me two years ago at 18 years old. When she was born I was so happy, so proud. Throughout her childhood I tried to be the best father I could be. We went to a diner every Sunday morning. She would play the claw machine there before we sat down. She always won. It was amazing. She started collecting so many furry little prizes she even began to give them away to other kids at the diner when her bed became to full to accommodate more. Those days were magical. She was my little girl. As she grew into a beautiful intelligent young girl she began to share my passion for sci fi/ horror. We began going to conventions all over the country. She met people on her favorite shows eg. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Start Trek, the original Halloween movies. Her friends used to tell her they were jealous of our relationship because they had nothing close to it with their fathers. I divorced when she was around 14. My daughter always had a strained relationship with her mother for many reasons, I feel both bear some responsibility with that. Though we had joint custody my daughter chose to live with me and slowly began to cut her mother out of her life. Despite numerous attempts to help them reconcile my daughter just refused to have anything to do with her.

      She entered high school and excelled. We shared her triumphs, she was the first female captain of her robotics team, I was there for her when she was down or broke up with her boyfriend etc. She was my world. And I felt it relationship was very special. Then when she was around 18 she began hanging out with people who weren’t terrible but not the best either. She began going out with someone she met (emo, drug using jerk with no moral compass)Before this my daughter was considering joining the Navy since my father was in WW2 (he passed in 2015) she even got his dog tag tattooed on her as well as a phrase I wrote for her once “I fight my demons so angels can braid your haird” She got that phrase tattooed on her inner bicep left arm . Very prominent. Since she was 18 I voiced my concerns but couldn’t do much about her seeing this guy. One day she just stopped coming home. After a few days if testing to reach her she said she was staying over his house and would be back soon. Weeks turned into months and she didn’t return. I called her constantly since she wasnt contacting me. I asked her to meet with me to have dinner so we could talk about what was going on. We met, she seemed fine, we promised each other we’d keep in contact etc. Then after a few texts and calls I asked to meet her again since there long periods of nothing. Again the meeting was civil and more promises were made. that’s where it ended. After that she refused to return any texts or calls. When her grandmother tried to talk to her my daughter cut her off as well. My mother is 84 and consumed with grief. She was her first grandkid and she lived and breathed for her. She then began to systematically cut off her brother aunt etc. I called her work, she refused the call. I’ve messaged her asking for a reason she blocked me. Her brother recently under went surgery to correct scoliosis. I left a message at her work but she never contacted him. Last time I tried to call her at work I was told “she doesn’t work there anymore.” I doubt that’s true but I have stopped calling. Now I gave no number, or address to reach her at. She is in the wind. It happened so quickly, from what seemed like a fairy tale to absolute silence. The worst part is not knowing why. If she said she hated me or I did this or that to her i might be Ble to deal with it better. But she just left. After 18 years of always providing emotional support and whatever she needed I was tossed aside with no explanation. My heart is broken. I understood why she had issues with her mother but we were two peas in a pod. Sorry this is so long but it doesn’t even come close to all I’ve done for her. Since she hasn’t spoken to her mother since the divorce , 6 years, I’m gonna assume the pattern will be the same for me. I hold out no hope from ever hearing from her again. It leaves me sad, confused, angry. I think it’s a cruel thing to do not at least telling someone, especially someone who devoted their life to you, why you wont even acknowledge their existence anymore. I find myself feeling betrayed, used and have thoughts if what anything I’ve done with her in the past really means now, or ever meant.

    • #99012
      AvatarZenMamaw
      Participant

      Mine is a long story. I’ll try not to make it too long . . . Twenty years ago, my kids’ dad left us for another woman. My oldest daughter was on a trip and called home but couldn’t get anyone. She says her first thought was “Mom’s left us.” Why in the hell would she think that??? I’ve always been a completely devoted mother. Always there for my kids. Hell, I was even a homeschool mom! I adored my children more than anything in the world and proved that daily. Anyway, things were ok for a while, then my 3 older kids (I have 4 kids) started talking amongst themselves and decided it was all my fault cause I’m the one who’d chosen their dad. I eventually remarried and they adored their step dad. But he too stepped out on me and started using drugs. Again they blamed me for choosing the wrong man. I apologized til I was blue in the face – and have stayed single since. But they still stopped talking to me or letting me have anything to do with my grandchildren. This went on for years. We finally reconciled. All was great. But recently they’ve cut me off again and I have no idea why. They do this every few years and I’m weary. It hurts afresh each time! I’m wondering if I should go directly to them and say, “Lets talk” or do I let it go? There’s more to the story but I’m trying to remain as brief as possible. Just fyi – my youngest daughter has never cut me off. As a matter of fact, every time they cut me off, they cut her off too. I could use some answers. Thanks o much!

    • #99013
      Avatarcalendula
      Participant

      Hello everyone. Three months ago my daughter sent me two long sets of virulent electronic messages. I felt like I was hit by a train. After confiding in a few friends I found out that I am not alone in my troubles. Many people I know had either experienced or were experiencing similar rough times with their grown up children. I found a self help book in the closet that I had got from a library free shelf years ago. I had already read it (I could see my highlights) but no longer remembered any of it. I began a second reading. I started reading more books and found this website on the internet. I sense that love and forgiveness hover around us in the mercy of God who is forever watching and caring for us. I feel much better than I did three months ago. I ran into my daughter twice this week and chatted briefly. It’s a start. I am not going to push myself on her. I am almost 70 years old and have lots to learn. I trust my instinct at present that it is best for both of us to honour her desire for what I shall call a “cooling off period”.

    • #99015
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Holden15, I am so sorry your heart is broken, we live your nightmare as well. An important thing I want you to understand, this is not your fault. You did nothing to push your daughter away, the same as her brother aunt and grandmother. This has everything to do with your daughter. Hopefully someday you will get the answers you are looking for but there is a possibility you will not. I don’t know your daughter or the situation and it could be a variety of reasons. The BF could be a heavy influence on her, there could be some slight mental illness, there could be drugs or alcohol involved, or perhaps she just wants to be on her on, not getting advice and pushed to do things she doesn’t want to do. As you can see the list of possibilities are endless but one thing for sure it has nothing to do with you.

      I thought I was going to lose my mind when I didn’t know if my daughter was dead or alive, I, like you, had absolutely no way to may contact and didn’t know where she worked. I know it consumes your mind and it is so very hard. I highly suggest ordering Done with the Crying from Amazon and post here often. You will find many kind people to connect with.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #99070
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Zenmamaw, my personal trout is the decision to estrange from you is your children’s decision. You cannot change their minds nor control their actions. I have found the harder your try the more you push them away. The only thing you can do is to honor their wishes. I truly believe your will gain so much from Done with the Crying as it addresses so much of your situation. You can get this book from Amazon and have it in a few days. I also find it odd that the kids are shunning you for choosing the “wrong” man and that is there reason for estrangement. So what happens if one of them has a future divorce situation? I know your heart is broken and the worry is overwhelming but if they are choosing to not be in your life they will need to come to terms with their issues and desire a relationship for it to work out. I also suggest that you do not apologize for the decisions you have made for yourself. You did nothing wrong, how was you supposed to predict the future with your husband. If you would have known the future you would not have married him. I would never apologize for something I truly didn’t feel I was wrong.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #99185
      Avatarcolts_fan_65
      Participant

      Hello everyone – first time posting. Our son has been angry at us since he was a kid. He never wanted to follow rules and has addiction issues. He married a woman in 2016 that has a chip on her shoulder and it went downhill from there. His wife doesn’t like me and has made a bad situation worse by convincing my son that he was mistreated as a child and that we do more for our daughter. Not so. We bought a house for him in 2013 with the understanding that he’d fix it up (with our help) and have a payment free home. Not a bad deal? We paid for nearly everything and did ALL of the work.
      His wife calls me and texts me the meanest things I’ve ever heard. He texted me and told me that he will no longer be in the middle of this feud. This is a girl that I’ve tried to get close to for the sake of our family. I did their laundry, cleaned and babysat for them trying to make her happy but nothing works. Final straw was this past Christmas. I came home from work on Christmas Eve, cooked a large meal and gifted them $1,000. I treated her nice and thought the night went well. The next day, I asked that we all take a picture. She refused and said my son wouldn’t be in the picture either. He wants nothing to do with us and we haven’t seen him since. I can’t believe how rude they are. He is not the boy I raised at all.

    • #99190
      AvatarHappybunny
      Participant

      This holiday was the worse I could have ever put myself through. It was the first year in 30 years I did not spend Christmas with my estranged daughter. Although I had my younger daughter with me and my partners kids I missed her so very much. I did not receive any wishes although my partner did and I held myself strong from not sending any. I was beyond feeling that just because we are mothers we have the need to keep going back for more hurt because we want to see if our child is ok. I kept telling myself that she is old enough to take care of herself and if she gave me even a small thought she would have at least sent a message. I sunk into depression a few times but spending time with my younger one and how sweet and loving she is gave me hope that I am not a horrible bad mother and that with her help I can regain some self respect and confidence and move on with the hope that one day perhaps I would be able to see my daughter again. I won’t be abused again be it verbally or mentally as in no way I wish to live in the past and be held responsible for being a victim of abuse. I AM DONE WITH THE CRYING rings so true for me. I want to live in the NOW and in the FUTURE with good thoughts and leave this earth feeling happy.

    • #99266
      Avatarstanley64
      Participant

      Hi, not sure if I have done this yet. I am a 55 year old man (second marriage). My only son (I have 3 stepchildren 1 son and 2 daughters) stopped talking to me in 2016. I was in my office and we were talking and I told him anxiety runs in our family, that was enough to set him off on this path . He cut myself and my entire side of my family off. He was close with all of us, my old mother, his nieces and nephews, ect.
      His mother (who even came to my second wedding, my son was best man) will not allow anyone in my family to ask about him. My son cut all ties online, no Facebook, no YouTube , ect. Nothing. He is not into drugs/alcohol and is 24 this month. I’m lost, I tried texting him supportive messages the first year, changed his number. Same with email, all letters come back or are unopened. Don’t know what to do anymore it’s like a piece of me is dead. Thanks for listening.

    • #99269
      AvatarChangingseasons
      Participant

      I need help finding a new focus for my life. Last September I finally told my ED that I no longer wanted contact with her, I have truly had enough. While something inside me says it is the right decision and I am at peace with it I think I am still made she accepted it so easily. When my kids were 4 and 6 I left their dad, he’s the type of guy that was the life of the party except when at home. All the friends at the party he talked about, bashed, ridiculed and made fun of at home only to be best friends when face to face with them. He only wanted to be a happy family when in public or when there was a photo op. I raised the kids and he generally had little to do with them until we left, then the fight was on. His whole focus became bad mouthing, berating and all out lying about me. He’d do anything and did anything he could to make me out the bad one. I got drug through court by him for 12 years, I was working at a factory job and he made 70k a year. He didn’t want to pay child support which would have been fine if he would have ever bought the kids anything but he didn’t. I am not the aggressive competitive person he is so I lost most of the time. I ground my daughter at the age of 14 for something and she left me and went to live with her dad. It’s been a fight since then, the court dates continued, lawyers said they could see his influence on her to hate me and they did nothing. She did hate me, wanted me dead, screamed in my face when I tried to talk to her in public, it was bad. My son who is two years younger never took sides, just told the other side what they wanted to hear and went about his way. So my daughter goes off to college and contacts me, I thought well maybe now that she is away from him it will be ok. So I help her all I can, got her a car, helped pay her bills, we were getting along very well. She graduated, met a guy, gets engaged and we start planning the wedding. Nobody else was helping plan the wedding so she and I did it, right up to three months before the wedding when you guessed it her dad and his new wife got involved. Dad and new wife became best friends with boyfriends parents and everything we had done and paid for was getting changed and I didn’t know until the day of the wedding when I got there and saw it. Me and my side of the family were set back in a corner, we couldn’t even see the bride and groom, while her dad was seated directly in front of them wearing a superman cape. He made a big speech about how her family and friends were there the night they got engaged to celebrate with them, no I was not invited, and how he and the grooms family had paid for everything. I think this event was the final straw. I spent about a year crying over it with very little contact from her, she would text me on holidays. I finally let loose all the hurt in a text back and haven’t heard from her since then. I am the type that does anything for my kids and family but now it’s time for me…so I need some suggestions on a new purpose or passion because I think I’m becoming a fuzz bitter for lack of a better word. Thanks for listening.

    • #99470
      AvatarAvigail
      Participant

      Just as I try to introduce myself I feel nauseous, I have a 29 yr old son, he’s on round two of being estranged from a previous 10yr estrangement. We had a short almost 2yr reunion which started out good but had a lot of bumps where I would just suck up the pain and take the verbal judgement my son put on me. It’s not my acceptance of it just was hoping to move forward. But that quickly went into a spiral downhill, I was being blamed for all his bad choices, debt, lack of career, college education, you name it. I couldn’t even lie well enough to his employer when he failed to get up for work! I quickly started feeling anxiety when he called, or any time I was around him. I tried to navigate and failed, I went to the point where I tried to set a plan in action where he would cone back home. BAD BAD idea, it was like a fuse blew and switched him into thinking he would only work 2-3 days if that, sleep days on end, neglect his two dogs, and speak to me as if I was there only to serve him.

      I had my husband (not his father) go talk to him after we felt his behavior was so out of control. I know my son well, I had my husband turn on his phone to record the conversation. As we tried to get to him, in the bonus room that we had given as a mini apartment. He had locked the door, not answering it the dogs were caged together ALL DAY AND NIGHT crying. Upon gettin in there was dog dirt, and they had urinated on the carpet and floor. We woke him up, and he was not interested in being addressed but my husband insisted. My son denied the dogs had been neglected, and did not potty on the floor, and he’s just exhausted and needs to be left alone. I noticed in the bathroom he had been taking nighttime sleeping liquid and the bottle was empty. I’m not aware of my son doing any further otc or illegal drugs, but this was not good.

      Just to wrap it up, my son was quick to say he’s no longer comfortable here, wants to leave that moment and we agreed. But as quickly as we left the room, over an hour passed and we go up to see he’s back in bed. We leave and it’s past midnight so we decided to deal with it on the next day. Three days pass, he’s decided to stay, he’s stated “I’m a resident now, I have rights and I’m not leaving”. Legally me was spot on, I needed to evict him, so I gave him several chances to go on his own. No luck, I had a friend who was happy to draw up the papers and I posted it to he door that afternoon. It was not until night time where he came out to see the notice, and finally sees that he had lost the battle and NOW wants to fix it. Crying and upset that “how could I do this to him”?! He’s homeless again, but reality is I called his biological father who was happy to have him come to his place. But my son was not interested. He did pack much of his things in his car and during the time he’s pleading his case, I was buried in grief in my room so sick to my stomach but knew this had to be done. My marriage would not last this way nor would I. It’s been since June, I have still aided my son financially to keep a roof over his head, his car and he still finds time to blame me on text, but I quickly stop responding until days or weeks pass. My son had also caused problems with his father and now he won’t speak to him, or answer his calls.

      I am externally keeping my wits, but inside I’m shaking uncontrollably nauseous most days, and feel if I could just stop my minds thoughts go to bed and just let life end. BUT I wake up and try to get yet another day over with. I don’t know how to find a therapist to help me, and a son who I love but thinks I’m a bitch as that’s a nice way to paraphrase his words.

    • #99625
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Avigail, I know you are devastated by all that has been going on. In my opinion you did the right thing by asking your son to leave. I can see where this would create problems in your marriage as well. Your son appears to be manipulating and using your love for him as a hostage to get what he wants from you. Your son is a grown man and you would be doing him a favor by cutting him off financially and remove yourself from being his target. How is he going to learn to take care of himself if you pick him up every time he falls? Your son is blaming you for all his bad decisions and that keeps you on the string. His life is this way because of his bad decisions. You did not create his problems and you should not accept the blame for them. None of this is your fault.

      I would like to suggest reading Sheri’s book, Done with the Crying. I do believe you will greatly benefit from all the information she offers. Reach out anytime as there are friends here to help.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #99628
      AvatarDory74
      Participant

      Hi all , what an inspiration this page is ! I am a mother of two gorgeous children whom I now have minimal to no contact with .
      My story is similar to ‘beautifullife’ in that case had a failing relationship that felt more like a friendship than anything else. We split up but stayed in the same home all together for the children. The children knew the situation but about a year into this arrangement when they were in their late teens they requested that one of us left the family home . After family discussions it was felt that I should leave and rent nearby. I agreed to this with the promise that I would have 50/50 care with their father. All agreed and three months later I moved out. My exes family all lived in the street which could have been another reason why I was asked to leave . Nearly five years later and I continue to have minimal or no contact from my children since the day I left. I have tried but I am either ignored, or just needed when they want something then promptly dropped . I have tried to talk and offered joint counselling – all declined! but still I can see no reason why I became alienated ? It is heartbreaking but I have now reached a point where I no longer text or call as I can’t handle the rejection of not being answered . I do not know if this is the right thing to do but I fear I am driving myself insane with feeling of shame, guilt , embarrassment, worry . I constantly question my parenting and search for reasons why I am being alienated … was I too harsh , did I not give enough attention? I may never know but it’s hard to know what to do for the best that will allow me to move on without making them feel I do not care ….. any suggestions?

    • #99719
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Dory 74, welcome and you have come to a safe place. Being rejected by your children is so cruel and painful. We understand and sympathize with you. It is not your fault so please don’t blame yourself. This decision was their decision and for whatever reason they decided to do this they are the only ones that can change their minds. If you have read many of the other post on this forum, you have probably read that a good place is to start is to read Sheri’s book, Done with the Crying. Many of your questions and concerns will be addressed in the book. The exercises are so very important as they make you focus on you and how you feel. The book also addresses some of the common mistakes we all make as estranged parents.

      I’m glad you are here And I sure you will find support. Please let us know how you are doing.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #99741
      AvatarDSM515
      Participant

      Hi, Wow I am glad I found this forum. Can’t believe that I am not alone and that there are so many grieving parents like myself. Thank you Sheri for creating this site.

      My mentally disabled child abruptly left with a narcissistic stranger and his narcissistic family from an online website after only knowing them for a few weeks. This all took place a few days before Thanksgiving. All communication has ended since mid December. What little communication there was had been very hostile and hateful.

      I raised my daughter alone as a single mother we have always been so close and we have always been best friends.

      I don’t really have anyone here, we relocated only a couple of years ago. So I spent the holidays alone with the only comfort from my pets. (She is currently trying to take them away too.)
      Prior to her abrupt leaving she was distancing herself from them as well as myself.

      Her doctor had added on another medication and she was doing better than I have ever seen her and I was so happy, she was so happy. Not anymore, she has been off her medications for 2 months and has been no call/ no show to multiple appointments.

      I have been trying to prepare myself for the worst, that I actually signed up on a government site that documents missing persons and unidentified bodies.

    • #99812
      AvatarDory74
      Participant

      Sadlostbroken
      Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I have been reading sheri’s book and I have found it comforting and insightful and I will continue to work though and hopefully determine my own pathway. Hopefully this pathway will be easier and sustainable regarding how I communicate with my children without repeating my expectations on myself or the children that have ultimately only resulted in personal heartache .

    • #99816
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      DMS515, I am so sorry to hear all you are going through. I know what it is like to be in the dark without any information. You have come to the right place and welcome to the forum. I’m sure there are other stories on here that are similar to yours. I do hope your daughter gets back on her medication soon. Perhaps the people she is with will see her need by her actions and have her at least go to the doctor. I do hope she reaches out soon or let’s you know who she is doing. There is nothing like being shunned and especially by your child. Most people do not understand it and point the finger at the parent. It’s something we would have never thought about before it happened to us. This is a safe place to voice concerns and ask others their opinion. I am so sorry for your pain.

      I would like to suggest ordering Sheri’s book Done with the Crying as it does help you learn to cope with estrangement.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #99915
      AvatarGhostedMom
      Participant

      I am reading the book, and I am realizing that after several years of tension and distance and hurt, I am feeling guilty because I am relieved my daughter has shut me out of her life (again). There is always judgement and criticism when she is around.

      I am also beginning to realize that I have been fooling myself for years that she was interested or really wanted to engage with me in an adult relationship. I have ignored her reckless and inconsiderate behavior as “phases” and been patient hoping she would become more caring and considerate. The reality is she is a very selfish person.

      I just can’t handle the on again off again, one way relationship anymore or the pain of her refusing to speak to me for months until she wants or needs something from me.

      I am done! Done Trying. Done waiting on her and being at her beck and call. Done Hoping she will become a different, more caring person. Not Done crying yet but I am working on it.

      Great book- continuing to work through the exercises….

    • #99938
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Ghostedmom, welcome to the forum. I’m sorry you have been going through this and I know it is hard on you. So glad to hear you are reading Done with the Crying. I really found benefit in the exercises as well. When my daughter estranged, it was the same situation with the on and off contact. She reached out when she wanted something and as soon as she got it we heard nothing. It sure is a terrible game they play that leaves us feeling used and abused.

      With help from friends here, I finally stopped reaching out and it was the best decision I made. I spent all of 2019 working on myself and healing my wounds. I know how you feel, as soon as you settle your mind to this is how it is going to be, the phone rings and you start the emotional ride again. It is torture! You start to grieve all over again for your living child and wonder where you went wrong.

      Every story is different and unique here but many have things in common. It wasn’t that long ago I wasn’t done with the crying either but I am now. You never know what the future holds so try to settle in to your new normal and consider taking things one day at the time. Make decisions for yourself based on how you feel and what is best for you. Post here often for advice or just to vent. This is a kind and loving group of people and a safe place to voice your opinion.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #100039
      AvatarHelpMeCope
      Participant

      Hi
      I have a 37 YO daughter, who has been slowly cutting off contact for the past year.

      This year, while trying to plan for the Christmas holiday, where it was pretty much decided that I would drive to visit them, at the last minute she tells me she doesn’t know what they’re planning, maybe to see her father (who she spent a miserable week with last Christmas) who now lives within a 3 hour drive from me. When I asked, oh, you’re going to see your father again this year – her answer was a blatant lie – “oh, was that just last year?”

      well, she never contacted me again to finalize plans, I eventually stopped trying to pressure her to do something she obviously didn’t want to do. So, I traveled by myself for Christmas, so as not to feel so alone at home.

      On Christmas eve, I receive a text – “did you decide to travel”.

      I felt so hurt that not only had she lied to me (She seldom does), but this felt particularly cruel an/or heartless.

      I’ve barely spoken with her since before Thanksgiving, not for a lack of trying. I stopped trying when she started lying to me. That has never been our relationship and I am mystified as to why this is now happening.

      I wrote her a letter, using all “I” statements, asking what I might have done to cause this rift, asking for a chance to fix whatever I might have broken.

      The only reply I received was, “I’m really busy”

      I simply don’t know what else to do, except to remove myself from the situation for now, and not contact her at all.

      Thank you for this community, to find that I am not alone, that there are lots of great parents out there missing their children.

    • #100076
      AvatarDSM515
      Participant

      Thank you for your kind words sadlostbroken. I did hear from my daughter yesterday. Not sounding mentally stable at all. Was crying so hard I couldn’t understand her. She was however demanding that I give her the family pets. When I refused stating the facts that she abandoned us 3 months ago, we did not abandon her. I pay for the vet bills, I have always gotten up in the morning to care for them, so she could sleep until the afternoon, I pay for their food and neccessities. The same pets that she has beating on along with beating me. I was firm, she’s not even taking care of herself. I did the the most difficult thing when she became enraged and I hung up on her.

    • #100095
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      DSM15, it is always best to protect ourselves and the defenseless animals. I have also hung up on my daughter when she was verbally abusive and never felt bad about it. Continue to make the best decisions for yourself and your pets. I do caution you to not allow yourself to be manipulated to go against whatever your gut is telling you to do. Hang in there my friend and keep your chin up.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #100104
      AvatarGhostedMom
      Participant

      SadLostBroken

      Thank you for your support! I have made 2020 my year to take care of myself physically, mentally and Spiritually.

      I am reading the book and doing the exercises, following the blog posts here. I am also am working my PT exercises, using meditation apps and getting ready to cut sugar out of my life.

      I read somewhere that when a person gives you the silent treatment it is about control. It is a demand that you shape your life to their desires and wishes and without consideration of your needs and wishes. We have the right to expect others to treat us with respect and dignity .

      This year I am reclaiming my dignity

      I never realized how prevalent this problem is until I found this site. Now I pray daily for all the parents whose adult children have abandoned them and for those broken adults who have moved away from the love and support of their parents.

    • #100151
      AvatarMajor
      Participant

      Good Morning, I’m glad I found this group , out son has been estranged from us on and off for 5 years now. His wife wants nothing to do with us. She is very close to her Grandmother who adopted her so she calls her mom. The Grandmother has always disliked us from day one. Now they are living with her while they build a house that she is funding. We have 3 grandsons who we havnt seen now for 2 years. It’s just so incredibly baffling, we use to be all so close. It breaks my heart some days , I miss my son so much. I have yet to read a reconciliation story and this is so discouraging to me. I hold on to hope but some days it’s so hard. Thanks for listening. Major

    • #100264
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Major, welcome to the forum and I’m sorry you have the need to join. I know you miss your son and I know you want a relationship with him and his family. You are probably looking everywhere for encouragement for your situation so you can keep the hope alive. Every situation is different and so are the people involved. You didn’t make the decision to estrange, your son did and you cannot change his mind, only he can. That horrible decision is on him and only he can undo it.

      A reconciliation would only happen if everyone worked together for the common goal to build the relationship back. Right now, your son has not walked down that road but you cannot predict the future. Until her comes around try to take care of yourself and your own emotional health. I do believe you would benefit from reading Sheri’s book, Done with the Crying. This book covers reconciliation, holidays, what to say when people ask and so many more things. I personally found the exercises to help me more than anything I have read. I know the estrangement was not my fault and I hope you feel the same about your situation. This is not your fault so please don’t blame yourself.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #100421
      AvatarGrandmak7
      Participant

      Several years ago my marriage not only ended but two of my children (the eldest and the youngest) ended their relationship with me. At the time they were 23 and 16. They are now 42 and 36. It wasn’t that they were unhappy that their father and I were no longer together, things had not been good for a very long while.

      My eldest (daughter) claims that because of me we were a dysfunctional family which made me responsible for any unpleasantness in her life. The youngest (son) apparently felt the same and truly seemed to hate me. My daughter and I did try to reconcile, then decided she did not want to ever talk to me or see me again. My son pops in and out of my life but invariably something triggers his anger again and he is gone from my life once again. They both have two children, but for my other daughter I would never have known any of them were born and did not see any of them when they were babies.

      I was the one who did all the disciplining as their father believed they should do as they pleased. I admit that at times was extremely strict. My ex-husband and I were not a good match and I felt that I had lost control of my life and felt like a failure. I was determined that I would not fail with my children and make sure they were “perfect” so I became a controlling parent. In spite of me, my children were and are good people! My son and I have fallen out again and as always when he’s angry he accuses me of abusing him. The last time he said I had abused him for 36 years. We had quite an explosive argument texting and emailing. I was ashamed of myself, I should have been a responsible adult and not reacted to his anger with my own. Somewhere in all the “back and forth” I realized that no matter what I do or say he and my daughter choose to feel the way they do about me, something I can’t change. For years I questioned and was frustrated asking why their father didn’t do something if things were so bad and why in their minds he wasn’t to blame for any of this. Now I realize none of that matters, it feels like a weight has been lifted. I was diagnosed with depression many years ago, thankfully I have fantastic support.

      I do apologize if this sounds like I consider myself a victim or a martyr. I am neither, I am a “wordy old woman” who goes on and on!

    • #100470
      AvatarRescuescats
      Participant

      Hello everyone,
      My adult daughter and I have not spoken in about 7 years. I reached out a couple of times right after our falling out, but was rebuffed. My family plan cell phone was discontinued, she cancelled a preexisting appointment we had, and soon I was blocked on FB. We were so close, shared everything. So it came as a shock when she allowed our relationship to disintegrate and not show any interest in resolving our issues whatsoever. The first 3 months, I felt a little lost. Then I decided to learn to live with it. She has a great, devoted hubby, a wonderful child and from what I can see, an abundant life. So I am not worried about her. For a time, I continued to send my grandchild birthday and Christmas cards with gift certificates but when they were never acknowledged, I stopped. I was angry with her when this all began. So much so that the alienation was a gift. She had become a person I did not like but still loved. It is so difficult to explain without giving specific examples that might identify us. The only time I give it a thought is when a relative asks if I have talked to her. I feel funny having to explain that I have not. Embarrassed because I am the parent and I should fix this. But the truth is, I am fine like this. I do not miss her. She grew up to be too much like her father and I cannot deal with that. Not her fault. And that causes me concern because what kind of a parent feels like this? Why am I not suffering? Why don’t I want to be in my grandkid’s life? Every year, I consider writing a letter to suggest we make amends and every year that letter doesn’t get started.

    • #100562
      Avatarmomplicated
      Participant

      Hi, I’ve been married almost 40 years now to my best friend in life and we have 2 wonderful daughters that we adore. We’re a very close family and all get along really well with the normal occasional tiny blip here and there (just being normal humans) that gets resolved and life goes happily on. Nothing out of the ordinary. Our girls claim that they really like hanging out with us and their actions always backed that up. We always really enjoy ourselves with them too and always have the best times together. Our girls have a great balance between friends and family, it’s not as if they cling to us, or us to them. My youngest daughter often made the mother as best friend claim. Life can be really rough sometimes, but I always felt family made up for whatever life hands you. We had a great family life.

      Over a year ago I was going through a bad time in life and was depressed, stressed and probably hormonal due to my age. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was apparently careless with my moods. Despite it not really feeling any different to me than what any other person on the planet does now and then, (including her) when I was apparently pretty grouchy and vented during a few of life’s little annoyances under her roof over a period of time, it was taking a toll on one of my daughters. I had no idea. But I when she made it known to me, I repeatedly apologized, no ifs, ands, or buts. Wasn’t good enough. She dismissed them all and then said I never apologized, despite one of them even being in writing she claimed it didn’t contain an apology. It’s clearly there, in writing. It’s not even up for interpretation. It’s a full on apology – no ifs, ands, or buts.

      We were so close, so much alike and both of us really genuinely liked being around the other. Then someone flipped a switch and life as we knew it is over. I have been broken hearted, apologizing and trying to heal this ever since. She has not cut off any avenues of communication, so I can talk to her, but she will not respond and I’m at a loss.

    • #100563
      AvatarCasper
      Participant

      Hello Friends,

      I’m a mother of 2 boys and almost 4 years ago I left their father and we divorced a year later. My younger son was 16, now 20 and has no contact with me at all. I’ve tried numerous attempts with letters, cards, phone calls, texts….he doesn’t respond. He blames me for the divorce just as his father does. The pain of losing him like this is the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. While my older son remains to have a strong relationship with me, his brother has chosen to sever all ties.

      I was a very involved, hands-on, supportive parent always putting my kids first and treated both equally. Through the split with their father, I made some mistakes and my children were exposed to things that should’ve remained between adults. My younger son began to treat me cruelly and being disrespectful until I left the house. He reached out to me a month later, but then when things fell apart with his first love (his then gf who cheated on him), he then cut me off and I haven’t heard from him or seen him in 3 1/2 years. I have pleaded with him and his father, apologizing to no end. I am still his mother, and I thought I was a good mother to him. I guess this is my punishment for leaving. I deserve to be happy and have remarried. I try to move on, but all I do now is hope and pray that some day my son comes back to me. I will never give up, I see him in my dreams and text him now once a month; I’m so hoping there is someone out there that has been through a similiar situation.

    • #100765
      AvatarKgentle
      Participant

      I am so glad I have found this group. I will try to not drag this out into a novel. I was in partnership in a business and my two daughters worked for us. I am a happily married female and in my early 50’s. My daughters are 28 and 31. Long story short, my female business partner came on to me. She could not respect boundaries so I had to leave the partnership. My daughters stayed. I know it’s all about money but I was violated by this person/partner. She crossed so many boundaries. I do not cheat, I am not a lesbian and you don’t do that with your business partner. It was NOT okay! We were on a business trip and I woke up to her on top of me kissing me. I was horrified! YES my daughters still work with her by their choice.

      I can’t get past this with my daughters. I always felt like I was a good mom. If this had happened to them, I would have went Mama Bear on someone. At first my one daughter was furious with my business partner and my other daughter said I need to let it go and move on. Now they both feel that way. I know it’s all about their job. They are now with my former business partner all the time…
      New Years Eve, out of town family trips, dinners , etc…They have replaced me with her. I am devastated and have been in shock. I’m depressed, having panic attacks, crying every single day, stomach issues, high blood pressure, etc….

      I have tried to reason with them and it gets no where. I know I have spoiled my kids and they have no respect for me but I never thought they would do this. My oldest daughter seems to enjoy that my younger daughter has teamed up with her. I have tried to call them…no answer. I did get blocked by my older daughter. She said she no longer wants me in her life…she wants “peace”.

      They have children and I am very close to my grandkids. They were still allowing me to see them…mainly because it’s free sitter for them but I’m sure they will use them against me next.

      I just can’t understand WHY this is happening. I could never hurt anyone like this…especially my children. I have three other children that do not agree with them and are not happy with how they are disrespecting their mother. My husband is their stepdad. He tried to talk to them and they went crazy in a group text on him. Now he is blocked. Bless him…he tried.

      I have struggled with what to do. I did go to my doctor. She was so helpful. Of course all I could do was cry and I apologized 50 times. She told me to stop apologizing …I was sexually assaulted and I was betrayed by my daughters. Hearing that from my doctor made such an impact on me. THIS is NOT my fault. I can’t “fix” this…I have to take of ME right now. I know it sounds terrible but I don’t want a relationship with them right now. I need space. I am so hurt.

      I have had two good days and today has been rough but I am better. I’m thankful to have found this group.

    • #100797
      Avatargrandmalove
      Participant

      Hi…I’m new. I was married 2 times to a narcissist (he’s my ex now) and now my adult daughter has turned into him only worse and I am her prime target. We live in different states but the torment is just as bad as if we were close. A few years back she raged in the worst way and ended up punching me and then didn’t talk to me for a year. When she became pregnant she called me and we tried to make it work but it just got worse and worse. Last summer she told me to just LET HER GO. She doesn’t want me or need me anymore. She does (thank God) still allow me access to my 3 yr old granddaughter but in her VERY controlling way. And does everything and anything she can to hurt me. Anyway, just wondering if anyone can relate to what I’m going through. I’m a mess. Thanks.

    • #100846
      AvatarJakson3
      Participant

      I’m new here as well. I left my ex roughly 2 1/2 years ago. I won’t bore you with the details but in short, it was a long time coming, he was “surprised” by it, and has conjured up story after story as to what happened. There was no infidelity, no drugs, no abuse…a boring story that soap operas would toss out the window without even reading.
      Shortly after I left my ex my oldest son stopped talking to me; a month later my youngest son. My daughter initially was good with contact, but then 4 months later quit talking to me. She started talking to me again roughly a year ago for reasons she now claims was only because I guilted her into it by having people who love me talk to her about my depression (due to the loss of my kids, aka ambiguous grief) and subsequent leave of absence from work. (I didn’t know at the time that these people talked to her.) Regardless, I have been blocked from 2 of them completely (phones, facebook, instagram, etc.). Zero contact. My youngest son has blocked me from all social media, but not his phone. Out of 50 messages, I might get 1 or 2 responses. He will not answer a call, nor will he return a voicemail.
      My situation is text book “Divorce Poison”. My ex has successfully turned my kids and my two sisters against me. My sisters are coming around ever so slowly, but they are coming. Baby steps. I pray that if I can reconnect with them, slowly they (who both have regular contact with my kids) will eventually convince them to open their hearts to me again.

      I look forward to learning from each of you on how to cope and what to do in the event that I’m fortunate enough to be reconnected.

    • #100863
      AvatarChelsea
      Participant

      Hello. Well I’m finally posting. Brokenhearted. My son says no contact. My daughter is in and out of the picture. She wants to ‘be in touch’ and we finally got together for lunch and that was it. She obviously didn’t have a good time, because she didn’t want to see me again after that, altho she will text and we did have a long phone conversation for 45 mins while she was driving home. She texted me not to push getting together and my two close friends and husband all say leave her alone for awhile and it’s SOO hard. I was crushed that she reached out to me to get together, we did 4 therapy sessions during which time she told me basically that she didn’t like me. But she wants something because she did contact me and seems to want to stay in touch. SHe wants to be connected, and doesn’t seem to want anything else from me. I have read in the posts that there is a pattern of the kids coming in and out. Getting in touch, then I’ll say something they don’t like and they disappear. It’s really scary because I’m so afraid of saying something that will piss them off and they’ll go. I can’t believe that things have turned out this way. I should have done better, but I do believe I did the best I could.

      I haven’t gotten the book yet but could really use some help with how to deal with other people about this. Specifically, WHAT DO I TELL PEOPLE? I need help here and would appreciate responses to this question. I am so ashamed and am tired of the pity etc I get for not seeing her. I don’t really want to talk about it anymore. I just need to be in touch with people because I am so lonely I cannot afford to pull back from anyone who is in my life.

      I have mental health issues. I have a very hard time from within and made it hard for my kids growing up because I yelled a lot and had other negative behaviors that drove them away. I take responsibility for that. Problem is, I haven’t done well dealing with my problems because they are so extreme. My kids are actually great. No complaints. I take responsibility for this. Another thing that makes it worse is that they are very close and talk every day and I know they spur each other on.

      I look forward to hearing from folks. What do I tell people?

    • #100963
      Avatarsounhappy
      Participant

      I’im 57 and have been estranged from my 30 yr old daughter for
      3 agonizing yrs. the sorrow I feel every day is debilitating. my friends have amazing relationships with their children and I feel like such a failure that I don’t. I have made countless attempts to contact her and tell her that I luv her..the last attempt was 3 months ago with a love letter to her. she phoned me and screamed profanities at me for contacting her. she made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me or the rest of the family. I wish I could stop thinking about her every day..stop crying..stop feeling guilty…and stop feeling like I failed us both. how do parents cope and move on with their lives? I had a cancer scare 6 months ago..my husband contacted her informing her I may have cancer. she has never asked about my health since and I know she simply doesn’t care. that type of rejection was gut wrenching. I know I need to let go..leave hope behind. I feel like her doormat because I can’t let go.

    • #100965
      Avatarsounhappy
      Participant

      I’im 57 and have been estranged from my 30 yr old daughter for
      3 agonizing yrs. the sorrow I feel every day is debilitating. my friends have amazing relationships with their children and I feel like such a failure that I don’t. I have made countless attempts to contact her and tell her that I luv her..the last attempt was 3 months ago with a love letter to her. she phoned me and screamed profanities at me for contacting her. she made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me or the rest of the family. I wish I could stop thinking about her every day..stop crying..stop feeling guilty…and stop feeling like I failed us both. how do parents cope and move on with their lives? I had a cancer scare 6 months ago..my husband contacted her informing her I may have cancer. she has never asked about my health since and I know she simply doesn’t care. that type of rejection was gut wrenching. I know I need to let go..leave hope behind. I feel like her doormat because I can’t let go.

    • #100977
      AvatarCissy
      Participant

      I am not even sure where to begin I have 7 children 5 from prior marriage. Married to the guy I have known 53 of our 56 yrs on the planet. We have 2 sons nearly grown if our own and he bravely took on stepping to my 5, the oldest then was 16 now 37. We are banished from number 2 about 16 yrs. inexplicably just got a call out of the blue one day, no fight, no cross words just said I can’t talk to you all or have you in my life, it was such a shock I collapsed and spent the next 5 yrs limping along trying to raise the rest of my small government. An occasional outburst from him came demanding concessions impossible to make. He left seminary when they questioned him why he was estranged and why he lied. I was blamed for them finding this out but it wasn’t me, my in laws just happened to be benefactors of the seminary and went there and requested to see him…you can imagine the result. I had no idea until it was over and my father in law a physician of 60 yrs said he was mentally ill, I melted and sobbed in fear of not knowing how to help him. Of course we blame ourselves but not sure what we could do or done. Now he is openly gay, married he has no contact with anyone. Recently my daughter inexplicably excommunicated us, my husband completely devastated he has been dad since she was 10 now 30, we havent digested all the accusations and the only clue into where she is mentally is it all happened before her brother was coming home with his new baby and we were throwing a surprise party for him. She has always been a bit jealous she can’t have children and we knew this was extremely hard on her. She has never been vicious and we were thick as thieves so I thought, very much a like but we had never had a major falling out and could always talk. We had been struggling with our youngest and suicidal thoughts and anxiety, I was 9yrs cancer free and just diagnosed with skin cancer maybe we missed some cues and failed her but dang we were trying to be present for all our children…. now we are all fractured and treading water.

    • #101027
      Avatarjessiejo
      Participant

      I am struggling with how to engage with these forums. My heart is continuously shattering by the estrangement from our eldest son. I am 59, married for 37 years and the mother of 4 adults . 2 sons and 2 daughters . Our eldest son has been married for just over 2 years . He and his wife live close by and have a 8 month old son. I was permitted to see my grandson for the first 4 weeks of his life but since then all contact has been forbidden. The reason is unclear. The threat was there before the baby was born that I would not be part of its life.
      I can’t write the whole story now as my despair and depression about what this is doing to our whole family is too raw at the moment. I feel worthless , a failure and have little hope for the future .

    • #101028
      AvatarJimmyThunder
      Participant

      I noted not many people respond on the forum. Could it be that having the forum upside down doesn’t help? Having to scroll through all the posts to see the latest ones at the bottom makes the community forums practically impossible to use. Just a thought, but there doesn’t seem to be much help on here, just estranged parents desperate enough to scroll to the bottom!

    • #101031
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      JimmyThunder,

      You’ll find much more conversations going on in the other threads. Scroll past the yellow threads to the others, and join the conversations. It, you can start your own topic.

      Hugs,
      Sheri McGregor

    • #101032
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Jessiejo,

      I’m so sorry you’re feeling so low. I hope that when you feel ready, you’ll join the other threads for support. People here understand.

      Hugs to you,
      Sheri McGregor

    • #101053
      BooksandTreesBooksandTrees
      Participant

      Welcome JessieJo to the support group none of us wanted to be members of. You’ll get lots of love and support here and, best of all, you will find that you are NOT alone. Hugs from another relative newbie (( ))

    • #101054
      BooksandTreesBooksandTrees
      Participant

      Hi JimmyThunder – We are here! People don’t always respond to the introduction thread but you will find lots of support and other people’s stories further down the page.

    • #101238
      AvatarWarbler
      Participant

      Hi, everyone. I’m introducing myself, as I just joined. I assume my user name will show up next to my post, but it’s Warbler. I decided to join because I was looking for some relief, support really, during a terrible time. My brother died recently, and my 37-year-old daughter (only child) cut off communication with me a little before Thanksgiving of 2018, except for a couple of emails and a phone call when she heard about my brother. She also came to his memorial service, where we saw each other for the first time in about a year and a half. I thought that this death in the family and reconnecting over it might mean the end of this estrangement, but things quickly reverted to the way they were before. This feels like double the grief for me. So I’ve been kind of a mess since returning home last Friday from NYC where the service was – depressed actually (I have clinical depression anyway), crying uncontrollably every day. I’m so deeply hurt, and – probably like many of you – never dreamed my daughter could treat me this way, that this could happen to us. I’ve been very restrained through this, wanting to respect her wish for ‘time and space’ and not wanting to risk driving her further away. But I emailed her after getting back from this trip, trying to tell her what I couldn’t say when I saw her – that nothing’s ever hurt me more deeply than being cut out of her life and that I loved her and appreciated her coming to the service. And a little more. I didn’t expect an answer, and didn’t get one. So I’m feeling helpless with her controlling the whole situation, and pretty hopeless. I know I need to focus more on things I CAN control, but that’s so much easier said than done. At this point, anyway. I won’t try right now to describe the relationship we had, or to explain why this happened, because it’s late and this is already too long. But I’m glad to have found this group – it makes me feel a little less alone. I’m so sorry, though, about all the suffering I’ve come across here, reading so many sad stories. Hope I can make a little difference here.

      • This reply was modified 8 months ago by rparentsrparents.
      • This reply was modified 8 months ago by AvatarWarbler.
    • #101241
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Dear Warbler,

      I’m glad you found your way here and know you will find support among the caring people here.

      I’m sorry about your brother, and I know how something like this can hook up with the other sorrow so it piles on. Please be sure to take extra good care of yourself. Be sure to purposefully find things that are beautiful every day, and in which you can find even just a few minutes of delight. It’s so helpful to have a little periods of rest from thinking about the situation.

      I don’t know where you’re at but here where I live, the collared doves are celebrating spring before it has even arrived. I love the way they coo and flutter about. It reminds me that life continues, the Earth still revolves, the sun is on its way.

      What do you find that delights you?

      Hugs to you, Warbler. I think your username got me thinking of birds!

      Sheri McGregor

    • #101255
      AvatarFreddy
      Participant

      Hi. I am new and have been so shocked and devastated by the behavior of our eldest child that I was incapacitated for a year. I just discovered Sheri’s post about her son and this sums it up totally. I cried with such release yesterday. I ordered her book and the workbook. How does this happen? We are good parents. We always wanted, cared for, spent time with our girls. They had lessons, love, education, travel and countless opportunities. It happened when our eldest was in her mid twenties. She is very beautiful and smart. She was so kind. Our family is recognized for our kindness. I am so disappointed, stunned and saddened by it. Seems like a very bad nightmare. But it’s. Not. 😟

    • #101352
      AvatarHailie
      Participant

      Hello. Rejected is exactly how I feel. After my ex-husband and I divorced in 2007 he completely abandoned both our son and daughter In 2010. There had been physical and emotional abuse inflicted upon me and my children for about three years prior to the divorce. I was a single parent to both of my children during some very tough years (my son was in his first year of college when his dad cut him out of his life; two years later my daughter cut her dad out of her life as he was literally toxic to her mental and physical health). My daughter graduated from college and lives independently in Chicago.
      My son’s girlfriend became pregnant during his last year of college and he quit school and got a factory job to support his new family. I have always been that parent who tried to instill self-reliance above all in raising my kids. However, my son’s girlfriend got pregnant with a second child before the first one was two and a blood test was necessary to prove that child was my son’s (she was).
      This was just the beginning of the madness that has consumed much of my life for over ten years now. The mother of my grandchildren abandoned THEM when they were 1.5 and 9 months old. As you can imagine, I began to give a lot of advice that was never followed and developed Anxiety Disorder from the endless string of chaotic situations that have plagued my son’s life since his dad abandoned him. He has since been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and started therapy.
      In December I found out he initiated a successful reconciliation with his dad (which I only found out about through social media) and he has since began “ghosting” me despite the fact I told him very calmly in person that it’s not an issue for me and that all that matters to me is that he’s happy. I never wanted my kids to lose their father. It is essential to note their “father” is mentally ill himself and not the father he was when our kids were small.
      I can see him online at the same time as me and he will not open a simple message from me for days. Once opened, the response is three words or nothing at all. He has said horrible things to me like “I’ve never been there for him,” “I’ve never had his back,” “what have you ever done for me?” all of which make me INSANE because I’ve done things over the past decade+ that have put my OWN financial and emotional health in serious jeopardy because my son was a mess dealing with unplanned pregnancies, mental health issues, etc.
      I could write a book. Suffice to say, I have never felt heartbreak of this magnitude EVER. I could have never predicted that my son would just walk away without explanation, without respecting me enough to at least give me the opportunity for closure because he just avoids any contact with me whatsoever.
      I don’t know how to navigate this situation but I have recently started focusing on myself and I have stopped reaching out to him because it’s so painful to be rejected and ignored. It leaves me with no opportunity for closure.
      I am mourning the loss of my own son who is waking up each day and making a decision to not be a part of my life after I was all he had for over a decade.

    • #101412
      AvatarSophie4
      Participant

      Hi to all, I’m here because my son has not spoken to me in 11 years. He went to live with his father when he was 19 and he is 31 now. Correction… he contacted me once 7 years ago. We had a nice lunch and didn’t get into any of our issues (I thought we would have plenty of time in the future). After that one meeting, he cut off all contact again. He also cut off my parents and his sister. I don’t know for sure, but I think his father (my ex-husband) has spent a lot of time poisoning his mind. He doesn’t respond to letters, emails or phone calls. He lives one city away from me. I am afraid he is going to have children soon and I will never see them. I can’t bear the thought of that.

      I think after 11 years, it’s time to abandon hope that there will ever be a reconciliation. I’m so sorry that everyone on here is feeling this unbearable pain. How do you ever come to understand how such a thing could happen? I was a good mother who was always there for him. I did all the heavy lifting as a parent. Boy Scout den mother, doctor visits, parent teacher conferences etc. Dad was just fun “weekend Dad”. There are not a lot of people that you can talk to about this. I’m glad I found this site. Thanks for listening.

    • #101457
      AvatarStardust55
      Participant

      Hello, I am a single divorced mother I have been divorced for 17 years from my daughter’s father I have managed to raise two kids 11 years apart by myself I currently have a full-time job and I work second shift my 34 year-old son is on his own and has been for quite some time and is married we have a good relationship like 23 year old daughter is still at home more than a year ago she brought a man in the house I told her and I told him he is not allowed to live here she’s gone against my wishes and he continues to follow her in I file for an eviction against them not realizing she would have trouble finding a place I dropped it she was gone less than 2 months and needed to come home after she lost a pregnancy I explained to her that I would help her get on her feet and that she could stay here but that he could not move in and live in with her in my home it was not going to work for me this man has no job this man has been in some trouble and this man has another child that he is unable to take care of or allowed to see due to use of drugs time has gone by and nothing is changing she currently is working he however is not and he is abusive to me and he backs it up they contribute nothing to the house they live like pigs in a small tiny room they smoke in the room I’ve asked them to stop I’ve asked him to leave I don’t want to damage her record to where she can never find a place to go but on the other hand I am at such a loss as to what to do I want to file against him a protective order he’s damaged my home the police come but only tell me to evict her to get rid of him I feel that she is psychologically manipulated by this man I also feel that she may have some mental issues that haven’t been diagnosed I am at quite a loss as to how to handle my situation:(

    • #101501
      SmileyFaceSmileyFace
      Participant

      Hello, I’m so happy I found this place. It has helped me feel better about my situation and makes it easier to talk about it. I’ve had an emotional roller coaster type relationship with my daughter (my only child) for the past 3 years. We never had problems until she started dating her now husband. All of a sudden my husband (her stepdad who helped raise her) and I were bad parents and I was selfish, she even called my husband a racist (we are white and her husband is Puerto Rican). We have done nothing but love her and try to support her but any reason she gets she will get mad at us and stop talking to us. Something as simple as me commenting on her friend’s Facebook post. It has gotten worse since she became pregnant and tells me she doesn’t want her baby exposed to our bad roles. If I refer to the baby as my grandbaby, she reminds me that he is HER baby and it’s THEIR lives changing. She has told me several times she doesn’t need me because she’s an adult and can handle herself just fine. I usually give her several months then I reach out and we talk. A few weeks of “normal” life goes on but then I say or do something to upset her and we get the silent treatment again. I’ve come to realize I probably will not get to know my grandson (her first child, my first grand). I sometimes think things can improve but I think back on all the hurtful things she’s said to me and realize I will never have that sweet, caring, thoughtful daughter again.

      I’m glad I found this site to share my situation with others who have a similar situation. It’s nice to be able to discuss it with people who understand and there’s no judgement.

      One thing I don’t know how to handle is when people ask me about my daughter, how she is doing, how her pregnancy is going. I don’t want to go into details that she’s not talking to me and I have only seen her 3 times since she got pregnant (she’s due in April). Unless I know the person will understand I’ve been just saying “she’s fine, doing well” and attempt to change the subject. I don’t like lying but I also don’t want to share this to the world. How do you handle people asking about your adult estranged child?

    • #101505
      AvatarPascha
      Participant

      Hi. I was a single mother with one daughter. I made too many stupid and naive mistakes that led to my having to work constantly. I was crushed by the weight of the work and sometimes I would yell. I did. I could be awful when the house was a mess. Sometimes, I was wonderful. Sometimes, I was just sort of ok as a mom. But, none of that matters, because my daughter really and truly hates me and has for many years. I am so sorry I was not a better mother because I always always loved her. But, I have to let go of trying to be part of her life because i am the one who didn’t get it right often enough.

      It’s so difficult to want to continue on. She does allow me to see the children if I just show up. I’ve learned to appreciate every single second I spend with them because I’ve always known that every visit might be the last.

      I just saw them. And am driving home from the visit. I cry every time because the loss cuts so deeply. I am a good grandma and I so regret that I couldn’t have been a better, more nurturing mother to my child. Regrets cut so deep, don’t they.

    • #101514
      rparentsrparents
      Keymaster

      Welcome to all the new members. I’m sorry not all of you have received a personal reply in this thread. It’s long an unwieldy. Some have already gotten active in the other threads, and I am glad of that. You’ll get more interaction in the main areas.

      HUGS to you. I read every post. You are heard. Please join the other thread discussions or start your own topic.

      Hugs to every hurting parent.

      Sheri McGregor

    • #101711
      AvatarSamiSue
      Participant

      I am 66 my daughter is 41. The real estrangement hit 5 years ago at her wedding. At lot of unpleasantly happened there. To much to go into but i tried my best to give her what she wanted, and believe i could have, but she not only wanted the almost impossible from me but I had to complete the tasks her way. Rather than letting me do things the way i knew how and coming up with the end result she wanted, i had to do verything her way, which I fell short. Thus the wedding was the straw that broke the camel’s back. So for the past 5 yrs she has been extremely mean to me. Telling me she doesn’t care what happens to me, cussing at me and throwing me out of her house (that i actualy owned) when i was trying to discuss having the gas furnace serviced, sending FB Happy Mother’s Day greetings and Birthday greetings to my friends and nothing to me, knowing I would see them. When a family member has a BD we all go out to dinner, she says nothing to me during the meal but chats with others and when leaving she hugs everyone and says love you to all except me. There is more of this type of abuse but you get the idea. This behavior from her hurts me deeply. Looking back on her childhood there were red flags but I thought they were childish behaviors that she would mature out of. Oh yes the marriage only lasted 6 weeks!

    • #101786
      AvatarBonzeroo
      Participant

      Hi all. Been lurking around the site so thought I would introduce myself. My story goes back 35 years when the mother of my 2 children left me and took them with her, at ages 4 and 9, and we divorced. She drug them around to different schools, though multiple boyfriends, and never taught them the value of honesty or being accountable for their actions. She herself was always one to blame others for her problems, and the kids learned that from her. My daughter disowned me a couple times, the most recent was 12 years ago, after getting caught steeling a huge amount from her company and we didn’t sell our house to “bail her out”. No contact with her or her 3 children (my grandchildren) since then. Then the day after my father’s funeral last year, the second of three parents we would lose over a 7 month span, my son disowned me, like his sister had previously. The horrible text messages they sent to me only minutes apart from each other illustrated how angry they are, how they cannot control their emotions and get very mean, take no blame in any of this, and are just dishonest. Their mother has poisoned their minds, I feel, having taught them that they are never at fault for anything, and she is “the good parent” and that is so frustrating, but she provides enough self-gratification and “love” that the kids and their mom still operate as a unit. For the second time my wife and I are seeing a counselor and that helps some, Tara Brach’s books “Radical Acceptance” and “Radical Compassion” have helped, and thank you Sheri for this forum and your wonderful book “Done with the Crying…”, also very helpful and I am going to read it again. We are just trying to heal and figure out a way to accept this and get back to being happy people who don’t feel that we did anything wrong. I really was a good dad, looking back, but it doesn’t seem to matter now. Glad to find a group of like-minded people, but sad to discover there are so many parents suffering this unique pain. Thank you again Sheri for your support and guidance and bringing us together.

    • #102033
      AvatarJoyvo
      Participant

      Hi everyone
      Iv been here for a while but never posted.
      I’m just recovering from breast cancer. Just as I finished my treatmen my ED told me she didnt want to see me as she needs to sort her own feelings out. She blames her upbringing says she had a terrible childhood (she was spoiled rotten) I havnt seen or heard from her for over six months. My youngest daughter is now doing the same I haven’t seen her since before xmas. I’m totally devastated I never in a million years saw this happening. They know I suffer with clinical depression due to previous family trauma.
      The thing that I just cant believe is that she did this while I still bald from the chemo and wearing a head scarf I really never thought she was capable of such cruelty. Am I over reacting to this or is it cruel?
      Anyhow I wish you all well and good luck on your journeys.

    • #102167
      Avatarlotusblossom
      Participant

      I am 61 and my estranged daughter is 35. The estrangement started slowly… random phone calls where she would berate me etc. etc. Lots of times feeling like I was walking in a mine field during conversations. Then, I sent an email saying I was tired of being her emotional punching bag and THAT was the beginning of the end.
      After five years of confusion, hurt, anger, pain, but also love, compassion, research and reading and outreach to her… I have come to believe that my daughter exhibits many Narcissistic traits and that we will never have the warm, loving relationship I had always assumed. Like many of you, I have always thought of myself as a great parent, and feedback from those closest to me confirm that I was a loving and caring parent and that I am a mentally healthy person.
      I have been told by my sisters not to reach out anymore…that I have given all my power to my daughter and none of my “love bombs” have had any effect that I can see.
      My point is, I wish so much, that I had known what I was dealing with five years ago… I would have been prepared for the irrational conversations and would have been better able to create boundaries for myself that were not threatening (or apparent) to adult daughter.
      I get along fine for awhile; I have a loving son and daughter-in-law and a darling granddaughter, as well as three great “bonus kids” and I cherish all of those relationships. But once in a while the pain just bubbles to the surface and having this forum really helps me feel connected and sane. So thank you all for sharing your stories. Peace.

    • #102227
      AvatarGail
      Participant

      My story is similar yet different. A few years ago my daughter married our pastor’s son. It was a holiness/nondenominational church that had high standards. Since then we have had a lot of church hurt. So a few months ago my husband and I have left the church. Hurtful words were said on both sides. Once we left the church the only way were able to see our daughter or grandson was if we would go to see them. You have to understand they live with my daughter’s in laws and several other family members live there. My daughter didn’t seem to understand why it would be uncomfortable for us to visit. In a nutshell I confronted my daughter that is was not right for them not to visit or even meet us at a place for us to see them. Now they have cut us out of their lives it seems. My own daughter has blocked us from even talking to her. My heart is breaking and it is all I think about. We have always been so close. I don’t know how to get pass the hurt.

    • #102245
      Avatarmommanomore
      Participant

      Gail, Joyvo, lotusblossom and Bonzeroo, welcome to the forum. Bonzeroo, I am mostly a lurker too.

      It’s a good place to feel like people care and to get support that doesn’t seem to exist anywhere else on the internet. Read the other topics and post your own. The introduction threads don’t get a lot of action as far as discussion.

    • #102246
      AvatarBeautifulOaks
      Participant

      Hello from Queensland Australia.

      I am so grateful to be a part of this community.
      My middle child, a daughter of 34yo , mother of my 2 grand daughters, choose to estrange herself from me totally, and her siblings almost totally, in June 2019.

      I have been through the desperate begging, pleading, and grieving period, and am now ready to move onwards and forwards with my life.

      Look forward to getting to know you all.

    • #102278
      ilovedogsilovedogs
      Participant

      Welcome to the community Beautiful Oaks! I’m so sorry that your daughter chose to estrange herself from you. You are not alone. I have a son, age 40 who is estranged for 3 years now. I can relate to what you have gone through… begging, pleading and grieving. I’m glad that you found this website and are now ready to move forward with your life. You deserve to be happy! I’m so grateful for this community and Sheri’s book, Done With The Crying. Both have been a lifesaver to me. I wish you all the best & much success on your healing journey! Hugs to you.

    • #102279
      AvatarEvercore
      Participant

      Hello everyone im evercore not really sure how to get started but here goes… I was a single parent for a very long time and i thought my daughter and I were as close as could be even getting both mothers/fathers day cards saying that i was the best. Talking several times every day and always ending every conversation with i love you… until she met her husband and now i haven’t seen her or my grand-kids for over 2 years with one of them just turning one for which i’ve never met. all of a sudden i was dropped like i was the worst parent ever and after several attempts of texts, letters and emails trying to talk with her and trying to understand i was told to bleep off that she no longer wanted me in her life and i was the worst parent ever, even going on to tell me she raised herself from the age of 7. How does this happen? I never in a million years ever thought this would happen to me.

    • #102289
      AvatarCrystallove
      Participant

      I am a mother of three children, 2 who have estranged themselves over the last few years and one who is still around but I rarely see unless I reach out. Like everyone else in here that I’ve read their stories, we all share this horrible time in our lives to which most of us are in complete shock over and stunned and I really can’t think of words that really describes the pain and sorrow a parent feels and hoards every day of their life over and over again. The pictures of the past and the children are like movies you’ve seen and can never see again no matter how much you want or try. I have given up! I don’t want to but I’ve realized that the more I continue to wait or beg and plea to no avail the more I break and I’m afraid that I will break completely and die by my own taking if I keep this up. While I will never give up on ever seeing them again I have blessed them and moved on. I joined this group for support and mostly the fact of knowing I’m not the only one like I began thinking I was and the shame that came along with that. Today I hope I can help some of you and heal myself too.

    • #102311
      AvatarCampervangirl
      Participant

      Hi, my 14 year old son And I had a row during which time he rang his father, my ex husband, who came and got him and took him to live with him. That was nearly 6 years ago. So much has happened in that time but the situation now is that he will have nothing to do with me or my 2 daughters, his sisters. I haven’t seen him for 15 months and communication in the last 6 years has been very difficult. It breaks my heart that my family is so broken. I don’t understand how it has ended up like this. I feel so sad yet every single day I say I am ok and put on a brave face. But I’m not ok, I’m struggling to accept the situation and move on with my life with my beautiful daughters and my lovely new husband. That’s why I am here, I know I need to help myself, I’m just not sure how. Knowing I’m not the only one is a massive comfort, I thought I was the worst parent in the world for this to have hapoened

    • #102365
      sadlostbrokensadlostbroken
      Participant

      Campervangirl, welcome, you have come to the right place. You will find support here with people that understand and know how it feels to be rejected by a child or sometimes children. The decision to estrange was your son’s and he will probably never know how much that broke your heart. Things can turn around but try to focus on you, your daughters and husband for right now.

      I would like to encourage you to order Done with the Crying and do the exercises. The book will help you change your thinking from dwelling on the situation to finding a balance so you can take care of yourself and your family. The book will suggest journaling and it did help me understand my feelings and let go of my hurt and anger about my situation. I do think you will have a better understanding of some classic mistakes as well. I think I did them all.

      One last thing, the more you reach out, the more you are pushing him away. He silence is telling you he doesn’t want to talk and calling or texting just stirs up whatever he is going through. This is his problem, not yours. You are a Mom so you want to fix it but only he can. You really have no other choice but to honor his wishes until he is ready to talk. Don’t think there is no hope, there is always hope. It takes two willing parties to work it out. For now, educate yourself on estrangement and finds ways to release the stress you have been carrying. Read this forum and post anytime there are many of us that walk in your shoes, you are not alone.

      Sadlostbroken 🌸

    • #102384
      HousePanino2HousePanino2
      Participant

      Hi my name is hurt.😢 It’s almost been a year since I seen my oldest son & wife & granddaughter’s (2) they hurt me so bad. I went to cousiling and got help and read Sheri’s book in 2 nights. My oldest son ask for a place to live while his house was being built. I said yes of course. I thought we would all get closer while they were here. That is not what happen. Within 3 months of being here they started taking to their room right after dinner. I didn’t understand why til my son said Mom, we just need a place to stay. Nothing else. I said I thought we were all going to get close. He has always had a sore spot in his heart because Ileft his abusive father when he was 11. That choose led me to a wonderful life for all of us. Even though he decided he would rather live with his dad. I let him with tears in my eyes. He had a rough time with his stepmom and had to go into a boys home. Soon As I fould out I trued f to get him back. I hurt so bad for him. The court would not give him to me cause I had bad anxiety & depression and was also trying to take care of my two other sons. One with a disability. Because of these reasons they (courts) would not let him come back to me. They said you have to much on your plate. So no go no matter what I did. My son has always blame me for him being in boys town. He is 45 now and still feels tike he did before. I told him how muchI loved him and what the courts said. While he was here with me he threw that up in my face. I cried so hard and told himI wanted you so bad. You were my son and I loved you.. He has never forgiven me for that. He has such a chip on his shoulder. We my new husband and I only charged them the cost of there untilities. They also wanted their dog here and I gave in to that. My oldest granddaughter ( his daughter lived with them and decided she wanted to come here. Another one I would give my shirt off my back for. She is like a hood girl and had a potty wouth alone with her father. I ask for 2 rules from them all 1. No swearing & two no fighting. I still let them stay and helped my granddaughter with her baby borned and no marriage or promises for a descent life. The reason my husband & I even charged them is because there was 5 of them to just my husband and me, they all stayed here 8 months til their house was built. By the time they left my blood pressure pills were double dose & my anxiety was doubled also. They broke things here and had me a nervous wreck. I feel I will never make up with any of them because I don’t want that pain anymore. I am 65 now andI want to be around people who love me. Like my husband & my other two sons & grandchildren. . I pray to god that he will see a little karma someday for all the hurt he has cause me. I really want the best for him I just want to live my life and him live his. My oldest granddaughter never comes around and blames me for all this. While she lived here I let her borrow my car and watch my great granddaughter for her many times. Why does this happen ? I have never had a problem with anyone except those two. My family & friends & endlaws love me so much and feel very proud of me for leaving an abusise man and starting a new life for me & my boys. I feel very close to them all. They all say I don’t deserve any of this but here it is and I hurt and don’t understand how they both could use me like that when all I ever wanted was there love like I loved them. Thank you for reading this.

    • #102419
      AvatarPhoenixContent
      Participant

      Hi I joined this group/ page/ forum several months ago but I am only just having a closer look now, in time I might be able to read your posts telling your stories but my pain is still so new and fresh I can barely think of my situation with my kids Who are in their late teens without that hole in my chest getting heavier, and the tears flowing.
      The worst part is that I don’t even know what happened exactly, I don’t even know if they know or if they are just following along with their father and step-mothers opinions and or versions of
      Reality. I hold hope that when they are older they will gain a wider perspective and come to understand that just because one person says or believes something doesn’t make that statement or belief true across the board. I hope that they will understand that there are generally 3 sides to any story or incident, that of person A, that
      Of person B and that the truth- the actual truth as seen by a non emotional Outsider is somewhere in the middle of both those versions. Hope is all I have and I cling to it like it will save my life. However I am also in the process of putting more physical distance between us, for my own sanity, wellbeing and because it hurts too much to watch them walk past me in the shopping centre often turning their heads the opposite way so they are visibly shunning me. The distance isn’t far by world or big city standards but here anything over half hours drive might as well be the other side
      of the world. So that’s how far I’m going. I also need to respect my
      kids decision and wait as patiently as possible they are young adults and are entitled to make misinformed decisions During this period of their lives… but I also need to live my life too, moving will (I hope) assist with me moving forward while I wait. I will always love them and At any moment they can reach out and all would be forgiven- these are the positive thoughts and actions I try to hold on to when my heart is breaking and I can barely find breath during to ugly crying. Goodnight and thanks for having me here x

    • #102438
      AvatarSparkelle
      Participant

      Hello. I am new to the forum. I am so glad to find this support group. I have been alone in my suffering f