December 2, 2018 at 10:18 pm #64397
Hi. I m so glad I came across this site, but also sad that I have need of it. ED is mid thirties, married and lives in another state. No children. No plans for kids as unable to have any. Never wanted any so not an issue. Younger daughter lives nearby and we see one another frequently. YD ( younger daughter) has told me that ED thinks I was harsh and tough on her, strict and put far more boundaries than other parents. I was a sole parent for 15 years, never dated, never went out at night, always there for them both. ED now says I am manipulative and passive aggressive in my conversations and texts. She even highlights parts of texts and sends them back as proof of my failures to communicate to her liking. She is angry. She is dismissive and she doesn’t follow through…ever. No texting back, no calls even when promised. Too busy! Don’t nag me! Don’t make me feel guilty! I won’t play your games! I know what you are doing! All these comments whe. I asked how she was and if she had received her birthday gift. I wonder who she is and why ? Her father sees them about twice a year. Never bonded with them. Too busy travelling o/s for work. Found out he has told them we split because we parented differently. No. Far too far from the truth. I am still hoping she comes back but where did it all fall apart? So very sad. Do I wait to hear. She doesn’t want me to visit.
December 3, 2018 at 4:32 am #64401
YOur were a good Mom. It sounds like she is trying to convince you otherwise and to lay a guilt trip on you. Many of us have had that experience. It says more about our estrange children than it does about us. They are indeed troubled.
Be strong, read Sheri’s book and read the stories here. You will see yourself here and know you are a good Mom like many who post on this site.
Look after yourself.
December 3, 2018 at 12:05 pm #64421
Wingnut89, Welcome to the healing path. I am sorry you are on this journey but glad you have found a safe place with good friends here to help you through it. I have been acused of being too strict, as well. Yet I wasn’t nearly as strict with my children as my parents were with me. We had different rules because of different technologies but they were all intended to protect them.
Funny how I see my parents’ strictness as love and protection, yet my ED sees it as abuse. It’s all about perspective. They choose to see themselves as victims and choose to only see the negative in us. All we can control is our own perspective. We can choose to see the truth, that we were good parents and we did our best for our children.
December 7, 2018 at 6:54 am #64702
Thank you everyone who replied to me. I haven’t worked out how to reply to you individually yet so I apologise for the group reply. I hope to stay in touch with you all and perhaps together we can support each other as this space is meant to do. I already feel supported and stronger. Strength and hope to you all .
December 3, 2018 at 6:46 pm #64434
I was also accused of being too strict and yelling too much. We are reconciling with ES at the moment but I don’t feel it will last. I am always thinking in the back of my head the shoe will drop soon when I don’t perform as “I should”, or will say something “I shouldn’t”.
We were good parents and yes, we put boundaries in place as parents to protect our children from those in this world who will do them harm, mentally or physically.
Good parents do discipline their children to teach them right from wrong. It always amazes me that when they get out into the world this is turned into abuse. There is a big difference between discipline and abuse. What I have found, however, when adult children find themselves in a life that is not what they think it should be or they find that the decisions they have made for themselves have left them unhappy for whatever reason, suddenly it is our fault that their lives are not what they wished it was. It is somehow our choices as parents, or the way we chose to parent that made them grow unhappy. Victim-hood is a big problem in today’s society. It is much easier to be a victim then to take responsibility for ones choices or mistakes.
December 7, 2018 at 6:30 am #64701
You are mirroring my thoughts as I read your reply. Finally spoke to me ED last night. I had notes so I didn’t get too nervous but it didn’t help my stress levels. I apologise d if I had hurt her. She told me she was being assertive and that I had crossed a line. ( I asked her a month ago if she was ok and that I was always here for her). I didn’t ask what that line away im afraid. I didn’t want to escalate what appeared to be some sort of connection. I still have a way t9 go to stop being the doormat. Scared I’ll lose her for good. Reading lots of books and doing lots of thinking. I doubt she is doing the same. I sometimes feel she is the only one setting any boundaries here and I am just the one who has to follow the rules. Still in a muddle and hoping against hope that one day we will be close again. Thank you for your reply. I hope we both get what we so dearly wish for.
December 7, 2018 at 2:49 pm #64723
Wingtnut89, your post resonated with me becaause I can remember when I felt your desperation or as you say, “scared I’ll lose her for good.” For YEARS, I was willing to take whatever scraps were thrown my way through my prison bars because it was better than no contact at all. When our estranged kids brainwash us step by hurtful step to feel like we’re worthless, of course we’ll settle for scraps because we think it’s better than nothing. After reading Sheri’s book and working through the steps, I now feel like people should never break promises, trust or someone’s heart–and my estranged son has done this over and over again. Ironic, isn’t it, that we are the ones left in tears while the only emotion our estranged child(ren) feel is anger. They don’t cry…they’re not heart-broken, they’re just bitter and pissed off! There will neverbe reconcilation when their heart is black like that.
Now I’m a huge believer in the statement that the less you respond to negativity, the more peaceful your life becomes. Something I read this morning: “Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.” And I think you sound like a wonderful person! Believe it.
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