March 11, 2019 at 3:59 pm #74208
Well my ED’s baby will be a month old this Thursday and haven’t heard a word from daughter. She keeps saying she has to focus on her baby and can’t discuss anything now. The problem is she is putting me off or her older sister is talking her out of it. The 42 year old is very jealous so my theory is she doesn’t want to get back with us and is pressuring married one. So in the meantime I am holding on and I’m very anxious every day and frustrated. I just want an answer one way or the other. This waiting is eating
at me everyday. She goes back to teaching in a few weeks and I know nothing if I am babysitting or even seeing the baby, I’m starting to feel like she is playing games. If I don’t hear from her then it’s over and I won’t contact her again and I will be devastated. Hugs Ruby 66
March 11, 2019 at 8:36 pm #74238
I am sorry you are in this awful position, Ruby66.
I found it so devastating, that my ED did not include me in anything important in her life, such as marriage, births of children. It feels like a too-tragic and unwarranted extreme. It hurts me, badly. Mine never came out of it.
I hope, yours does. Meanwhile, it must be so difficult for you. Wanting something that doesn’t seem like too much to ask. So sorry you haven’t seen your daughter or her baby.
I haven’t seen mine either. Sometimes, the grief is enormous.
Thinking of you.
March 12, 2019 at 12:09 pm #74285
My daughter didn’t tell me when she had a baby either. I feel like she holds the baby from me so that she can hurt me. The baby is 2 now. I haven’t been allowed to either birthday, although for a few months last year I was allowed to visit once a month. Then I got shut down again. Who knows why. I don’t.
I sympathize with your anguish. I hope your situation improves. A lot of the pain comes from not understanding why someone would withhold a child who would benefit from having a grandma who loves her. How selfish of the daughter. A lot of pain comes from simply not knowing why, when, if…..that leaves you on the edge of your seat and creates the anxiety that never ends.
I am sorry for your pain and frustration. I pray you get some answers.
March 12, 2019 at 12:25 pm #74307
It’s devastating. I’m so sorry. That has got to be horrible.
Ruby66, it is a very cruel game. One in which you’re “it” and don’t even know the rules. If this were any other situation, you wouldn’t play. Can you start to make some plans for yourself? You count. Your feelings count.
Needothers, you mention the important things of life. It’s pretty telling isn’t it? The day to day is just as big. Maybe bigger. I’m glad you offered understanding to Ruby66. What can you do today for your own day to day? I once bought a card at the Hallmark store. The bag said, Every day is a special occasion.” It was a good reminder for me.
fresh start, your words about unending anxiety and being on the edge of your seat…. it’s a painful way to sit. We do it for limited times at the movies and that’s because there’s a payoff. Gosh, get off the edge of the chair. My lower back is hurting just imagining that!
Just a few thoughts from my sick bed. I have been sporadic at approving posts because I have a horrible flu! I’m getting better by small degrees. Ugh.
Hugs (virtual so not germ-laden),
March 12, 2019 at 1:29 pm #74288
Ruby66. I’m so terribly sorry. I know how badly you want to be back on your daughters life and to be there for your grandchild.
My daughter treated her mothe in law the same way .. it was her mother in laws only grand child and the only one she will ever have. Tbat dud t name a year difference to my daughter and son in law. They pet fer from seeing this child for 8 years and there’s no end I sight. The mother in law is getting old and get time is running out.
The full oness is on your ED to either welcome you back or stay away. Your other daughter , even if she influences your ED not to let you back in shouldn’t be ultimately responsible . This decision falls on the shoulders of your ED. At the end of the day it’s her to make the final decision.
To force you to live in limbo , waiting for a decision is cruel. My experience, having a daughter who is capable of rejecting you, is capable of anything. In my case with my ED was , either way , in her life or being estranged , both was equally painful. Once your ED took that step , she broke something between child and parent tbst should never have been broken in the first place. It’s much easier for them to walk away the second time. I learnt that being reunited with my ED didn’t fix anything. The foundation we had was permanently broken when she made the choice to walk away.
My ED used her child has a pawn. . I’m sure she didn’t purposely set out to do this, but being vindictive, the end result was the same for us and the child and other grandparent. She robbed her son of having to sets of grandparents. Your grandchild and mine will be robbed of something very special. A grandmothers love. A magic kind of love that only we has GPs can offer. The child will be robbed of family history, a structured family unit . Our grandchildren like all children will learn by example. Lesson one , Resolution of Family disputes is to discard , to throw a away has fami,y us disposable. Leson 2. Family has no value,
Our EDs having babies will make our common situation fraught with highly charged emotions . In our hearts you would think a child woukd be the tues that bind. It isn’t. If she thought you were such a bad mother , she had no option than be away from. you, don’t you think she’s going to be even more protective over her baby ?
I know I sound harsh , but my words come from painful experiences. Don’t let her use this baby has a pawn. Begging, pleading , sitting by the phone is not going to make any difference. Get on with your life. Make new friends, find new hobbies. Write a letter to your grandchild every week, save it . Date it , in hopes that you will have the opportunity to give the child all the letters. Take pictures of gifts or cheques you give to your grandchild. Keep correspondence of all texts /emails you send to your ED If you can’t send gifts , get a chest, on the child’s Birthday, purchase a toy , books and place it in the chest and keep doing it has long has you want to do this . Keep everything. My mother was advised by a lawyer to do this has after my sisters death, the father took her two little grandchildren and she never saw them again. Myself and my sisters did get to see them when they were young adults. . We gave them everything our mother put in her chest. The stories their father told. them on how little my mother thought of them. They were told she didn’t love them enough to keep in touch. It was all lies and my mothers chest of goodies showed the girls she never forgot them and how much she loved them. She showed that she never gave up.
Good luck. Hugs.
March 12, 2019 at 10:39 pm #74364
Thank you to every one of you.
What you wrote here, is deeply important, and I am taking it in.
Thank you, Sheri.
It was hard for me to think of anything, as you suggested, but I did. Thank you.
I appreciate your comments, very much, Sheri.
And your efforts even while ill. I hope you recover quickly, now.
EasyStreet and freshstart,
thank you, for everything you shared here, with your many valued insights,
and for speaking up here,
and thereby letting Ruby and I know, we are not alone, with pain that is incomprehensible to others.
All I can say right now is a repeat.
Thank you, thank you.
I was too long on this road without others.
March 13, 2019 at 11:36 pm #74430
The others who posted offered wise insight and thoughts for you to consider. We are all in corner and here to support you.
I say this from a place of true goodness toward you as well as concern for your well being, “Will you please take some step to protect your heart?” Please?
You mention that your daughter is a teacher and will be returning to work. It is unlikely for a professional to put off securing daycare until the last minute, especially with a newborn. One way to protect your heart would be to realize that watching her baby is not in your best interests. In one of your first posts on this matter, Sheri raised the issue of realizing the tremendous responsibility of caring for a newborn full-time.
However, most concerning to me is your daughter’s lack of honesty and common human decency. The tremendous luxury and financial savings of having you caring for her newborn, she does NOT deserve!! The hassle of getting the baby ready, commuting to daycare and the commute to work and she must show up ready to do a good job every day, rain, sleet or snow, will be good for her. The experience may help her develop some compassion toward her own mother.
Sometimes doing too much or sparing our children any frustration, is not good for them or us.
Please stand up for yourself knowing that we here to support you.
March 14, 2019 at 3:24 pm #74472
Update, first thank you to everyone for their kind
Suggestions. Here is where I stand. I’m very angry
Because my daughters baby is a month old today and not a word from her. I sent her 2 emails asking how she
and the baby are and I got zero in return. I know she is playing games and I know I’ll never see my grandchild. She is doing this on spite and holding the baby as a pawn.! She knows she has control and that’s what she likes. She said she’ll get back to me after offering her care 5 days a week. I know she goes back to work soon and she has mentioned nothimg. She is as mean as ever and I just had this finalized because I feel like I’m holding on. At least tell me and stop the games . I am angry and frustrated and hurt all at once. I hate the torture. I’m stuck and I can’t move on it’s tortute. I’ll never see this baby and I can’t emjoy anything. I feel dead inside. Hugs Ruby66
March 14, 2019 at 3:48 pm #74476
She is telling you quite a lot.
It’s my hope, for you and so many, that you will turn your attention to your own life and happiness.
Start with this moment. Call a moratorium on thinking about it for this day. Plan something good for yourself. Wash up. Clean up. Go for a walk. Look at something beautiful. Savor ANY joy. Sometimes, just a fresh, flavorful stick of gum can be a start. How about some fragrant hand lotion.
Maybe make a list of five things to do nice for yourself. Maybe things you have been neglecting. I have been embedded (literally) with flu, and taking care of others before that. I need to clip my fingernails and file them. A few are broken off and chipped.
What’s a place for you that you’ve neglected in this month of worry?
March 14, 2019 at 4:42 pm #74486
Hugs for you, Ruby66.
And thank you again, Sheri, for that input.
It feels very difficult to do, to stop self-torture over this sort of thing.
It sounds both simple to do, and monumentally challenging or impossible, at the same time, to me.
I will keep trying.
I hope all of the other readers here, will too.
March 14, 2019 at 4:42 pm #74481
Ruby, I hear how upset you are and going back and forth from anger to hope to anger again. My wish for you is to be able to move ahead and be focused on creating a good life for you. Right now you are caught in the web of focusing on the actions of another. There is no happiness there. Unfortunately, we can’t make people do what we want. We only control ourselves. You have written about how mean your two EDs are to you. You want this babysitting thing but your ED never asked nor indicated her interest. That is an answer but maybe not what you want to hear? So I’d say, let’s turn our minds to being realistic, what then is best for you and your life? What can you do for you?
March 14, 2019 at 4:42 pm #74482
Thank you Sheri for your great advice. I hope you get well real soon.❤️❤️❤️
March 14, 2019 at 4:48 pm #74493
I forgot that I wanted , in my last post, to thank you for telling us, what is happening for you,
and for sharing and describing how you feel about it.
In addition to sending you the hugs, I wanted to.
Take care, Ruby, and everyone.
That includes you, Sheri.
March 14, 2019 at 7:17 pm #74508
Thank you, NeedOthers. I’m weak, but breathing! HUGS.
March 15, 2019 at 8:27 pm #74594
Hello everyhone, Yesterday I received a very mean and nasty email from my ED who just had the baby a month ago. After having a blow up on the phone back in October and they said they want nothing to do with us she tells me this. She said I should have been in contact with her duriing her entire pregnancy and I wasn’t. Well after someone hangs up on you and says they want nothing to do with your life why would I be in contact with her . Then she said it was very selfish of me and gutsy to write her now after the baby was born. She said she had a difficult labor and the baby was in nicu unit and I didn’t care. First of all I called her in the hospital to congratulate her and she wouldn’t talk to me, Second of all there is nobody that told us anything about her delivery. I have no family except a brother in law who told me everything was fine.I am finished, I give up and I was a fool for trying,
March 15, 2019 at 11:11 pm #74600
Sadistic = Deriving pleasure from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.
Now your daughter admits there was never a chance of you seeing, let alone caring for her baby. Yet, she allowed you to entertain the hope. She does NOT deserve the benefit of having you as her mother.
I recall the days of working full time and carting children off to daycare – IT WAS HECK! There was no one to offer any form of relief. What I would have given to have you as my mother! Once she starts getting a taste of that medicine, she’ll be on the phone crying. God forbid anything happen to that baby while in your care, she would have NO mercy on you. You don’t deserve criminal charges on your record as a result of a cruel and sadistic child.
If she were honest with you from the beginning then she could maintain some credibility. Its good to see a little bit of anger coming from you Ruby. We are here for you!
March 16, 2019 at 1:33 am #74611
Sheri, feel better soon. Sending love and lots of hugs. Rainbow
March 17, 2019 at 1:54 am #74653
I don’t think you were “a fool for trying”
even though the chances of such a big turnaround in your daughter were low,
you were hoping this huge change in her life, (birth of her child) could possibly bring about one.
You wanted to take another chance on that. I dont think you could have accepted that you’d tried hard enough, if you hadn’t offered that huge amount of help you did, to her and the baby.
Now that she has treated you this way, in the month since her child was born,
she must definitely have a different plan of child care for the baby.
And she has added more hurts hurled at you, again.
I wouldn’t personally dare to do child care for anyone, who didn’t trust me and whom I could not trust. Someone I didn’t have good communication with, in both directions. Someone who didn’t realize their baby would get the best of loving care possible from me. Someone who didn’t listen to my explanations. Someone who assumes I do wrong instead of the best a person can do.
Someone who would /could fabricate stories about me, conclude wrong things about me, and blame me for anything /everything that possibly could happen, or that didn’t even happen, while her baby was in my care.
If the baby gets any illness or problem, tht all infants and children do, it could be falsely blamed on me, by that type of person’s behaviors.
That would be even worse and more horrid, than what you and I endure, now, when we don’t see our beloved grandchild.
Your story makes me feel for you.
It also helps me to see, that as long as the relationship isn’t good with my ED, it is best for me to not be babysitting for her baby , its better for me to accept that i do not have a gc that I can have any way to be close to, no matter how much I want that.
Take care, Ruby.
I suggest you consider trying to protect yourself from even more lies and even more serious mistruths that could be told about you.
March 18, 2019 at 3:07 am #74726
Tomorrow is my ED’s birthday and she will
Be 37. Never in a million years would I think that she would hold
back her 1 month old baby girl from me. I am trying to be strong
and I was fine all weekend, but I’m feeling very sad right now.
I tried everything to get back together but nothing works. I didn’t do anything to make her hate me so much.
She spits out such hatred that I can feel it through her emails. I know it’s over because she wrote me and told me how I wasn’t there for her the last couple of years. She said
She had 2 tough years. There was no one to
Tell me anything because I have no family
Except for a brother-in-law who never spoke
Of her. So how could I know anything.
She is really torturing me by keeping my
Grandchild away from me. I will never forgive
Her for this hurt. It hurts so badly that I
Feel like I have no life anymore. She won’t get a happy birthday
Wish for sure. One day she will regret her
March 18, 2019 at 2:49 pm #74734
Ruby, please consider reading Sheri’s book, Done with the Crying. I think it will help you learn to move forward. We can look at this one way, or look at it another. Sometimes when people are mean and cruel to us, we have to learn to move away from the hurt and abuse. We can stay focused on the other person and our pain and anger, or we can choose to save ourselves. You are worth more than gold, so I hope you find value in Sheri’s book like I did.
March 18, 2019 at 4:30 pm #74744
Oh dear, Ruby,
I am so sorry for your feeling so much hurt. I find the birth dates extremely difficult for me.
And you have all this fresh hurt dumped on you, just before it, this time.
Your ED knows how to hurt you badly, and lashes out like this.
What she doesn’t know is what Yellow Rose said. YOU ARE worth more than gold. You ARE worth something.
You tried hard, and you offered to help your ED and her baby, big-time.
She doesn’t want it now, from you.
So it is time to try to move yourself, to focus on something else. Your marriage?
And it is time for you to focus on some things for yourself. As Sheri says, make a list of things you could do for yourself, and maybe one of things you could do for your husband,
and start doing something on your list.
I know it’s hard to do. But maybe practice might make it a bit easier to do.
Or maybe you just need to hang on, for another day, and feel your feelings, and get past this “date” and then, we all hope and want for you to move on, to try to focus on something you like.
Your ED does not define everything about you.
Don’t let her actions control your whole life. You are worth more than what she thinks or does or doesn’t do.
We are rooting for you.
March 18, 2019 at 4:32 pm #74741
Hi Yellow Rose. I did read Sheri’s book and it
helped me a lot, but there are times where
I can’t move on. Thank you for your support.
It helps to know people care. Hugs Ruby66
March 19, 2019 at 7:48 am #74802
Your daughter’s birthday can be a very difficult time, and added to it, this shock and extra grief that the birth of her baby didn’t change the estrangement, like you hoped and thought it might.
I remember you saying you wanted the baby to bring you together, and that you hoped to put this all behind you and go on as a family. You wanted to love that baby and to be in her life. So it sounds to me, like terrible fresh and deeper wounds. Like you are being forced to see this estrangement does not look like a fantasy or temporary, as most of us had wished for, but many of us did not get.
It seems to be, instead of what you’d hoped, like a very serious a separation in your family. As it is in mine.
It wrecked a huge and significant part of my life, a most important part, sometimes feels like the whole thing, but it isn’t our whole life. We have a life that matters too. It’s difficult to see and feel that, at times.
I am so sorry for your grief, and the wounds that are either reopened or widened.
You didn’t think she would do this to you.
I am so sorry she and the estrangement have gone as far as it has. And she is withholding the baby, too.
Maybe it’s saving you from something worse, such as being blamed for doing something she wrongly imagines you having done wrong with her baby, if the baby was in your care. That happens in families, too.
Hang on to get through this couple of days. They seem the hardest to me.
We are thinking of you, and sending hugs. We do care.
You’ve done the best you could. Toward your daughter, and with offering to help with the baby. That’s all any of us can do.
Things could change somehow in the future, and maybe for the better in some way, perhaps in a different way than we can see now,
but for now, this is the way it is, and it hurts badly.
Try to take care of yourself. There might be something good in your future. I know it sometimes seems too hard to see it.
March 20, 2019 at 7:57 pm #74884
Update, we tried so hard to make peace
with our ED’s and we got slapped in the face. My husband sent her something sweet for her birthday. He sent her these little notes that the married one would write little
Notes to be every night. Well he got yelled at but good. She said how dare he send these notes on her birthday. He thought it was
Nice on her birthday. She called him stupid .
That ended it for us they are no longer our children
And want nothomg to do with them. We are done. We will go on without them. Ruby 66
March 20, 2019 at 8:17 pm #74891
So sorry, Ruby, but I hope that the 2 of you can lean on each other and try to focus on something else that has meaning for both of you. You both tried very hard. You cant change someone else. Even our own beloved children, and even after they have children.
At least your husband knows she hasn’t rejected you and not him. You are in this boat, together.
It is still going to be difficult, I know.
But no blaming each other, because you both know that you both tried.
March 21, 2019 at 3:42 am #74896
My heart hurts for you. I had a realationship with my grandkids and they were ripped away from. One is old enough to remember for sure. We had a great relationship, loved coming to our house.
One thing that has helped me so much is this and I read it in Sheri’s book or on the website, but one grandmother said she worked on being the best person she could. So that if her grandchildren ever knocked on her door they would fine a happy, healthy grandmother ready to take them into her heart.
I have tons of pictures up of my family and sometimes it painful to see and sometimes they make me laugh out loud. Sometimes I image how they have changed and I image them doing all kinds of wonderful things. Sometimes I write them letters and tuck them away to maybe someday get to give them to them. And I image “someday”! I also pray for them and that helps too.
Hugs to you Ruby66
March 21, 2019 at 3:42 am #74897
Hope you get well soon Sheri!
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.