November 4, 2018 at 6:35 pm #62223tiredmomParticipant
I haven’t been on this site for awhile.
Just found out from my son that my ED is getting married this month. They will then be moving to Washington DC.
It’s not the move that bothers me, it’s that she continues to shut me out. (3 1/2 years). I have reached out many times, most recently after hearing about her impending nuptials.
I am hurt and do not know how I can get over this.
November 4, 2018 at 7:19 pm #62225walkingforwardParticipant
My oldest ed got married, sold her house, moved, got pregnant, gave birth and I never knew. Who does this? I found out about the birth of my grandchild by my niece calling me at work. Me sitting at my desk, taking that call, putting my hand on my head in disbelief is seared in my memory. How do you move forward? You just find the strength inside to know you can’t fix it and it’s really not about any of us. I firmly believe it is about them. These loved, pampered estranged children have made adult decisions and there is not a darn thing we can do to take control. I will say that the intensity of the hurt does dim with time and self care. They know where we live, they know our email, they know our cell and land line numbers, and they do know we love them and that we are hurt. These absence speaks volumes. We just need to respect their insane decisions and we need to heal and just breathe. We can get through this. Hugs.
November 5, 2018 at 11:03 pm #62271TakeiteasyParticipant
Thank you Walkingforward. I needed to hear that today. It’s so incredibly hard but your words are wise. It hurts so bad and days I feel like I am a zombie going through the motions. I miss my daughter so much. I just do not understand these kids that have been loved, had good homes and just like that, You’re cut off.
November 4, 2018 at 9:08 pm #62229MKL1961Participant
“it’s really not about any of us” <—————– THIS.
Yes, it still hurts.
But once you put aside the guilt, it’s so much easier.
When you quit trying to figure out what you did to make this so, and what you can do to make it better, it’s so much easier.
You have to stretch out your arms, take a deep breath and release it all. Let the ‘guilt’ cloak slide right off onto the floor.
This is NOT you….this is them.
You have no power to change them. Reconciliation must come from them…from their hearts. We’ve never left them. They left us. It’s on them.
So, you have a little cry, and get busy. With anything. Seriously. Get your mind off of it and do something, anything.
Rumination is so deadly to your peace an getting on with your life. ((hugs))
November 4, 2018 at 11:29 pm #62231SwooshParticipant
Hello Tiredmom, Estrangement is so painful and it seems the hurt never really goes away, but like “Walkingforward” said the hurt lessens with time. Find ways to keep busy and improve your life and the things around you. You had a life before you had children. You can have a good life again without them. What are some things you enjoyed before you had children? Is there a way to get involved with those things again? Or find new things to get involved with. May learn a new talent or improve an old one. Take care of yourself. Hugs, Swoosh
November 5, 2018 at 1:55 pm #62249ImovinonParticipant
Oh, Tiredmom, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is so hard to let go of our dreams and what we worked so hard for, our whole lives. None of us ever imagined we would be excluded from our ECs lives so completely. There are so many lame excuses for why our EC treat us so badly. For whatever reasons, our EC “want” to hurt us and they know how to do it.
As you said, you have reached out to her and that’s all you can do. It is so sad that our EC “choose” to cut off the very people who love them the most and did the most for them. There is nothing we can do when an adult makes a choice and is dead set on not budging in their decision. All we can do is accept their choice and let go of our dream to be included in their lives. We have to let go of that dream and embrace a new dream.
We have to ask ourselves, “What now?” The possibilities are endless. We can do or become whatever we want to. And without children to care for, we have the time to do it. It’s hard to build a new life at our age but it is fun, too. Traveling is something I love to do. We bought a trailer last year and have enjoyed traveling to some beautiful places. Nature is very healing. I also have found time to quilt again and it is so rewarding to me to make a quilt for someone and see them so happy to receive it.
But you find what makes you happy and go after that. We are never too old to go after our dreams.
Wishing you sweet dreams, my friend.
November 5, 2018 at 11:02 pm #62268MsExistentialParticipant
I know your hurting over this. Its extremely hard to understand. I quit trying and it is a hugh hugh r relief. The wonderful folks on this site have help me along, to my well being with it. It is a process, doesn’t change over night. Once it sinks in, that this is the way it is and you can except thatlife becomes so much easier. Letting go of our children is most foreign for a parent. They are grown. The fantasyl idea that they will always be there for us as we for them is ideal. Reality sets in eventually, after we get beaten down many times. Sad but true.
November 6, 2018 at 11:11 pm #62303PatticakeParticipant
If it makes you feel any better, my son “came out” as gay, in the same conversation that he told us he was marrying a young man we thought was a friend of his. We weren’t invited to the wedding. We were only told it was happening in two weeks time. No date or time or place were given. No mention that he wanted us there.
About three years later, he later made his intent to cut me out of his life public on social media, (which is how I learned of it), he proclaimed to the world that “my own mother didn’t even attend my wedding.” And immediately, my access to him was severed, nearly two years ago now.
I don’t understand any of this. We try to raise our kids with our values. We try to be the best parent we can, but while one kid thrives and may be an emotionally stable adult, another may be vengeful and angry. We are only human. They are only human. We do our best. It is up to the kids to determine what they will embrace moving forward into adulthood. For my son, it is anger and bitterness, which breaks my heart.
One thing is clear. He relishes his role as being a victim. He always has.
On another note, he saw me forgive people who wronged me, again and again. I didn’t just set an example, I explained why I was doing it.
I have explained about my son estranging himself from me. His sister rents a room from my son. They feed off each other’s anger. She sent me an email telling me that she was estranging herself from me in solidarity with her brother.
I had been sending Christmas and birthday cards to the kids with cash in them. Notes telling them that I loved them and miss them. This summer I sent their final birthday cards, with a letter telling them that I realized that in sending the cards, I wasn’t honoring their wishes, that I have no contact with them. I told them that I love them. I wish them happiness, That I forgive them. And I told them that these cards would be the last contact from me, that moving forward I would honor their wishes.
This was absolutely heart wrenching for me. But it was necessary. To forgive, so that I don’t allow myself to be consumed with anger and bitterness. They didn’t ask for forgiveness. They aren’t sorry for breaking my heart. They don’t deserve my forgiveness. I forgave them for me. Now I’m focusing more on those who love me. My husband, Mom, siblings, friends. They all know about my kids cutting me out of their lives. They all sympathize with me. These other relationships are so important to me now, more than ever. They remind me that I’m not all alone in this world. And they remind me that I’m not the horrible person that my son made me out to be.
Sometimes I’m overwhelmed with grief. Sometimes I have a long cry. But I pick myself back up and focus on the people I love, things I enjoy and living the life that I have. What else can I do?
This forum helps. Reading what other estranged parents are saying and doing. Knowing that people here understand, and care. I wish you well. I hope you can learn to cope with the horrible treatment you are getting from your estranged child.
November 7, 2018 at 3:46 am #62335BeeHere4MeParticipant
Inviting a black cloud to hang over a new marriage is not an action of person with a good head on their shoulder. Lets face it, even under the best circumstances, building a good marriage requires work and endurance, and sometimes that is not enough to make it work. And before you can end the despair, you must endure the agony of undoing it.
Patticake, there is NO excuse for your son’s behavior. If you chose not to attend then that is your choice. But to not include you, well that just smells foul all over him and blaming you for not attending only reveals that he cannot stand his own stench! But to fan that on Facebook?? People with Munchausen syndrome have a strong need for pity and admiration, and is also a narcissistic trait.
I am glad that you find the forum helpful. At least you know that you are not alone, and the problem is NOT YOU!
November 21, 2018 at 4:22 am #63510tiredmomParticipant
Thank you all for the wise advice.
The wedding took place this past Sunday. My husband and I spent the afternoon doing something that was on my bucket list for 15 years-I did not sit around and mope that day.
I have a wonderful son, “bonus son” and daughter in law, as well as a grandson who is my heart/love that boy. My husband and I will continue to cherish the children who are in our lives.
I do not want to be angry or bitter, because she “wins.”
Thanks again, so grateful for this site.
November 21, 2018 at 6:32 am #63514MustangsallyParticipant
I am so sorry I should be giving words of encouragement and advice about moving on but I can’t. I just cry. I have been crying for 20 months. That’s last time we have had any really communication with our ES. That is the last time we saw our grandson who was just over 2 and is now is 4. I don’t know when it get easier. I don’t know when the pain stops. I just know it has to get better because life is worth living. We have a fantastic daughter and I can’t even begin to tell you how great my husband is. This estrangement has changed us but we are trying to survive. I am sorry for making this about me. And if this is deleted I understand. Just having a bad day and didn’t know how to start a topic. Again I apologize.
November 21, 2018 at 4:19 pm #63538AUSSIEMOMParticipant
Thanks you for bringing this thread forward, I’m going to keep it on file. BeeHere, your ‘dose of salts’ as they say, cuts to the quick and as always, is refreshing, thank you. Yesterday was not as good a day for me as I usually have, I have another ‘eye’ to go, I spaced out the two cataract operations because of my sensitivity to medicine and found that the operation while healing the eye is still compromised because of an astigmatism, so, when one thing gets me down, the other issues in my past life sit up and say, hey, there’s a pity party to attend, let’s go, let’s join in and add to it.
Two nights ago, I found on the internet some information regarding my ED which made me very relieved but again, struck the chord of my long estrangement with her. The unfairness and reason for my decision years ago to no longer accept the emotional abuse and disrespect, still remains. It isn’t something that I think of all the time, it doesn’t govern my life, but it’s like a small kernel in my soul that doesn’t accept injustice. But injustice happens all the time, unfairness happens all the time, life simply is not without bad things happening to us. I think Tired Mom’s comment about her son enjoying victimhood, gathering his sister into his issues, is one to hold true. There is victim/victimization as well in my daughter’s life and mine. I have nothing to apologize for, I wish her life and my could have been different and without one major incident which I feel has marked her badly, it has me, and the man who caused it, is dead but his actions remain, damaging to others, a predator who hurt others. And mustangsally, we all have bad days, I do as well, after all these years, we apologize too much. Sheri’s site allows for the release of feelings. It is okay. Estrangement is not something I understand, at all. I don’t admire those who choose this path in life. For some because of major abuse, it is necessary, but for most who do it, it is a way of deliberately hurting another. That I do not admire in a human being.
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