Should I Tell Them?

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    • #16360

      I have one totally ED. About four months ago she had a baby and midway through an amazing occasion when we got to meet our beautiful grandbaby, she flipped out on me for no reason other than she didn’t like a face I had supposedly made. She was yelling at me and calling me an a**hole in front of other small children who were present. At that point, I decided I could no longer participate in her head games and wrote her saying I love her very much and that my gift to her was to honor her wish to not have me in her life. She proceeded to block me from her Facebook page (as if I care). Shortly thereafter, my husband, her dad, got quite sick and we had to cut a trip short to return home to the emergency room. Since that time, after repeated unreturned phone calls and texts to nonED, (who now seems to be ED2, I e mailed her with what was going on with her dad. We have heard nothing. That was almost two months ago.
      He is scheduled for surgery on Tuesday. It is not a terribly risky procedure, but he will be under a general anesthesia for about 3 hours. I don’t know what to do. I am leaning towards not telling either of them. If they cared a hoot about their dad, they’d be in touch and would know as a matter of general conversation, as is the case with their brother and cousins.
      I know there was a similar thread about death in the family but not a situation dealing with a sick parent. What to you very wise and thoughtful ladies think? Anyone been in this situation?

    • #16362

      Not been in this particular situation (although 2 months after my daughter screamed at me to get out of her life I was admitted as an emergency to hospital with blood pressure so high the machines at the hospital couldn’t measure it, it was completely off the scale. ED did not contact me or email me and remained silent).

      On the understanding that we are always damned if we do and damned if we don’t, I’d email her a very short sentence and leave it at that whilst expecting to hear …………… nothing.

      Unbelievable these EC of ours.

    • #16364

      MissMarleyGirl., since this last and final estrangement I have had surgery and other potentially serious health issues. I chose not to let my ES know. He never unfriended me on facebook, but he has ulterior motives for keeping me on his friend’s list. Last year my husband who was overweight received a health scare and lost 50 pounds. I very seldom post photos on fb, but I did put a few recent photos out there. ES son saw them and had to see how thin his dad was. He didn’t reach out, not that I expected him to, but even if he cared just a little and he didn’t want to contact us, he has two uncles he could of called and ask if his dad was okay. My husband and I really saw him for what he really is an uncaring person. You need to reach into your heart and go with your gut feeling on this. I agree with Ann, we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. I have been in this nightmare for over 24 years so my choices and/or decisions maybe be different from someone who is just entering the road of estrangement. Yep, Ann our EC are truly unbelievable! Love and Prayers to all, Rainbow

    • #16365

      I’d had some health scares before my divorce, my now ex shared claims he shared with my two, I’d been mostly off contact with now ED though our mostly off started many years ago, she just a teen and now mid thirties. My ES took his dad’s side, but his wife never liked my sons contact with me.
      So did they contact me when I was ill? No. Never.

      It’s true as Ann says, damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

      You mentioned you’d been blocked fb. I know one can block email and I’ve been told that those with iPhones or similar can block a number which would also block a text that has that number.
      What does their father want? Will your son be with you, other family. I do hope so, for support for both of you, it’s a long time for you to be there alone waiting.

      Is there a family member, cousin, they have some contact with? If dad and you agree, maybe they would let them know.

      It would be hard I think to have them at the hospital, especially the one who showed such anger at a joyful time. But I think you can leave names with the nurses, who they are allowed to share that their father is well.
      I hope the best for you both. I know it’s hard. I’m sorry.

    • #16367

      I had a cancer scare a couple of years ago and I thought ED had a medical right to know this. I told my son (with whom I have a wonderful relationship) too. He asked me if I’d heard from her and I said no. He spoke to her of his own volition and told her mum was going to be okay. She told her brother “I guess if it was for real I would have heard.” It WAS a for real cancer scare and I needed a small surgery to remove a pre-cancerous mass.

      I decided that from now on I won’t tell her if something like this happens again. She will probably hear it from my son (who does not think highly of his sister but is good friends with his brother-in-law). She will apparently not be interested unless it’s fatal.


    • #16378

      I agree with the others, no I would not tell her. I had an experience recently, my cousin died of cancer. I pondered whether I should tell my ED, but thanks to the advice here, I didn’t. I don’t feel she would have been interested anyways, she wants nothing to do with the family.

    • #16409

      Pretty much immediately after the ding dong which caused the estrangement my husband was rushed to hospital. I texted my son to make him aware but no response whatsoever. My husband who is in heart failure needs to have an ICD device fitted shortly and unless my husband requests I have no intention in informing my son. He knows about his fathers health issues yet he still chooses to put us through this pain and heartache.

    • #16437

      Hard as nails ………………………

    • #16477

      Whenever I have information I feel the need to share with my ED, I send one email to both of my children with just the facts – equal knowledge. Then I know I’ve done what I feel is right an it’s up to them to take action or not. I do this with no expectation from my ED. As Ann says – “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”. But, if you’re blocked from emails that would be hard. Second choice would be to ask a relative still in contact with the EC to let them know the situation and they will either reach out or not, but again, you’ve done your part and can sleep well knowing they have the information. What they do with it is up to them.
      I’ll be thinking of you and your husband on Tuesday, I hope you have a good friend to keep you company as you wait and the surgery is a success. Sadly, it’s times when we really need our children’s support; when we’re at our most vulnerable, that the wave of sadness from this abandonment hits hardest. I’m so sorry.

    • #16474

      My husband and I have made the decision not to tell ED about our medical issues. We have even gone so far as to decide not to say anything to her in the event of one of our deaths. I know it sounds heartless, but it is what she wants. She has already dismissed us from her life with zero contact. We hold no misguided illusions that during those times anything would change. We know if she would not acknowledge her father at his mother’s funeral, she has no heart for us at all. Everyone’s situations is different, so I don’t know that this is the answer for you, but …..

    • #16469

      Hard as nails…And so very pathetic. Most people would show more compassion to a bum on the street than these EC show towards their own flesh and blood.
      My husband has asked me not to reach out to either of them. He’s so hurt by them he says he doesn’t even want to go through the motions of talking to them (not that they would call) and pretending everything is just fine if they did.
      I am back to being furious with both of them.

    • #16468

      Miss Marleygirl
      I had a similar situation to yours and those who have responded to you. In fact it is what precipitated this most recent estrangement. I was in the hospital for 5 days. It was relatively serious.
      I called to let the family members know and they made noises to suggest they all cared- then nothing. I got my first call back weeks after I had been released.

      I was angry and hurt and told them that I was and this became the excuse to cut off for my ed. She also cut me off from my grandchildren. My son also did not call for weeks and we were able to discuss it and he apologized. He stated that I had minimized the seriousness of the situation. I’m sure I did as I am often guilty of wanting not to alarm my children. But as I pointed out to him, had he been admitted to a hospital for even 10 minutes I would have been there.

      Maxing to me how cold my children are and strange to see I am not alone.

    • #16494

      It is ultimately up to you but….
      I am a breast cancer survivor. I informed my husband that if the cancer should rear its ugly head again, I do not want my ED to know.
      If indeed my ED would even bother coming around, I don’t want her to try and make peace just to ease her mind.
      I have often said life is short, cherish your family, friends while they are here.

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