Taken aback

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    • #19037

      It has been almost two years since I last spoke with ED.
      I was going to lunch with my mother a couple of days ago. We were discussing Christmas arangements when she mentioned my ED “wouldn’t be around.” I did not expect her to be there as she has avoided family functions since our estrangement. But I asked, “where will she be?” My mother informed me that my ED and her boyfriend will be in New Zealand. Last year, they went to England.
      I don’t know why, but I was a bit taken aback. She is taking big strides to avoid family functions.
      I have always loved the Christmas season, but the past two years, I have not enjoyed it as much as I used to. We were never a “Norman Rockwell” family, but the holidays were always a time to spend with family.

    • #19102

      Dear tiredmom,

      I think it is a normal feeling to be “taken aback” at this. Your ED sounds to be purposefully avoiding what could be a happy and fulfilling Christmas. Her and her boyfriend could partake but she wants something different. Taking “big strides” to do so, as you say. I am not getting much information here so I am just guessing…….yet, no one is a “Norman Rockwell” family! I’ve often looked at prints I have of his work and been given a case of the Creeps. His work was very deeply descriptive of what we all want, I think. I’ve always wondered if we could just play the action in these pictures, make them move, what these people would do next?? The cute girl would slap that rosy cheeked boy so hard that he fell off of his stool at the ice cream parlor?? Just a weird thought.

      Your ED might have her own personal problems, not at all directed at you. Reasons why she is going to New Zealand that have nothing or very little to do with you. We just can’t figure exactly what our EC are thinking or why they do what they do. I know, it is confusing and frustrating. I am still struggling with this issue. Perhaps it has nothing at all to do with you. Perhaps she wants to form her own very special memories with her boyfriend at Christmas time. A strange way to make memories but our EC are just that…..strange. They do these things which defy logic and we are left standing here like our bus just went past us wondering……What? Why?

      I hope that you are able to make good memories for yourself this Christmas. Maybe inviting a few new people in? Taking photos of your good times so you can remember? Do some new things perhaps? If your ED sees a framed picture of you at Christmas with some new people, your ED might just vapor lock and wonder that maybe Mom did okay without me! Oh gee!! What did she miss??

      Remember, tiredmom, behind those “Norman Rockwell” paintings of Perfection and Bliss are a bunch of wild children throwing cake at each other and biting their mother as she tries to drag them out of the room! Grandpa is swinging from the chandelier and grandma is passed out drunk on the floor. They are just pictures. We are the reality. So raise a glass to our new futures, all of us.

      Merry Christmas and hugs to you! Take special care tiredmom. I will think of you this Christmas.

      SunflowersDay 🙂

    • #19103

      Oh, and tiredmom, I am IRISH too! Can you tell?

    • #19131

      It hurts very much when we hear big news of our ECs from someone else or worse (for me) on social media. I will never forget learning my daughter was pregnant on Facebook. Your daughter is planning a big trip at Christmas and you find out from your mom. It’s humiliating but you know what? When you expect these aggressions toward us you can prepare a bit against the hurt. I remember standing by my mother’s grave during her burial and looking at my daughter. She was pregnant at the time and instead of sharing a piece of joyous news on a sad occasion, she just waited silently and announced it on Facebook a week later. We’ve often noted in our family that when one person passes away a new baby is soon born so it’s not like it would have been inappropriate so say something. It would have been accepted with great joy. I wish we could all be spared the humiliation of our ECs doing things like to us.


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