January 9, 2019 at 3:32 pm #68020
I am finding it all very hard at the moment, especially after Christmas here in UK. Estrangement started in 2017 and I was fully cut off by both AC this time last year (such an old story here now. I reported my ex for abuse of ED two children, and everything broke).
I think I am also at a new threshold with it, potentially good but very painful. I had not really accepted they have gone all year. My birthday and mothers day passed with nothing, but I somehow had in my head that Christmas may be a turning point. It was in that I had a contact from ED, text then phone call, but wall of silence is back now. I was spending my first Christmas alone, and the contact a few days before Christmas raised an expectation I would then hear from ES etc. I didn’t. It has thrown me, as did Christmas alone (currently looking at booking holiday in India for next year. I’m not going through that again)
So, I am trying to pick myself up now. My health (very bad for a couple of years) picked up no end three weeks ago, I also sold my house (I am in rented) and a couple days ago I had an offer accepted on a permanent home. I have been shunting about for nearly three years without a proper home for other reasons, (failed house refurb, house moves etc) and my possessions have been in storage . So that is all good. With the new health = more hours for me in day, so I am trying to get to a yoga class and a choir, but the grief was too much yesterday to go. I have had an intro session with a counsellor I will see regularly for a while to help cope with the estrangement. Having a new home is a big big positive, but also yet more change and another new start, but I am so grateful as I thought it may take a couple of years to find.
So, I am finally accepting what others have gently tried to tell me for years too. That I have a vindictive and controlling domineering daughter, who is central to driving the separations, and who is absolutely been trying to destroy me. My son is not strong enough and they are all still ganged up on me (DIL and SIL etc).
I have four tiny grandchildren under 5 that I am distraught about at times, and much of the time I am ok and able to focus on other things too.
I think I am hitting some point of acceptance of something unacceptable, and that I never imagined would or could happen to me. I don’t really know how to get through this. I have just ordered Sheris book again as it with other things got lost in house moves. Today is a day when I feel I could just fall down in the street at any moment.
January 9, 2019 at 4:12 pm #68027
You will get through this days and other hard ones to come. Coming to accept the unacceptable IS difficult and doesn’t happen overnight. You just have to get to the point you are ready. That is a different time frame for everyone. Accepting who are children really are is a huge step. Not pretending that they are what we want them to be or wished they were and seeing them for who they really are and how the are treating us is key. You are there now.
With all you have going on right now I would say you are in a position this year to start that detachment acceptance process that we all need to do to find the peace we seek. Your focus will be forced to change because of your upcoming move and if you work at it you can train your mind to keep the focus OFF EC.
I wish you the best, take a breath today, know this too shall pass and tomorrow is anew. You have made it through worse days before hon, you got this.
January 9, 2019 at 7:53 pm #68070
Thank you wkmom x
January 10, 2019 at 1:57 pm #68151
Wkgmom, I have re read your words this morning and the wisdom in them. I also know you haven’t been “at this” very long re actual estrangement, and how quickly you have reached this place of understanding. I have not wanted to “see’, even though I have had times through this where I have seen, but physical health etc events overtook, but I am really facing it now, re true nature of EC, particularly ED, and starting to accept it. It is a strange kind of relief too under the pain of it.
January 9, 2019 at 5:52 pm #68050
Delilah, as Wkgmom has said, you will come to the point of not having energy to give to others who are bent on destroying you. When that point comes, it’s not an acceptance of what has happened to you but an acceptance of yourself that you are honoring yourself, not someone else’s opinion of you.
I hope your owned home is in the same location of where you are renting. it sounds lovely. And this will help settle you down when you get your belongings about you. Also, you know how to look after yourself, seeking support again. I’ve gone through it at various times off and on myself over the years. Now, I’m to the point in my life where if people want to think what they do about me and it’s unfavorable, that’s their issue, not mine because I truly don’t need any more stress in my life. I’m not perfect, no human being is. Sometimes I think these estranged kids need to accept that they are not perfect either but their expectation of their concept of perfection should happen in their parents. Well, heck, it ain’t gonna happen. Grow up kids, stop your meddling and mucking about in your anal gland and start thinking with your brain and some compassion for the human race.
I’m always glad to see you posting Delilah, because I’m imagining myself in your English village. Have you ever read the Miss Read series of books on an English Village. They are quite peaceful to read. When I was under such stress after my husband died years ago, they took me into the countryside of England and into the characters of the book. Derek Tangye is another author based in Cornwall, which also brought me peace of mind. Nice when books do that.
In recovery we all have days of stepping back, looking back. It happens.
Aussiemom, whose world outside at the moment, looks like someone turned a glass snowball upside down.
January 9, 2019 at 8:03 pm #68075
Thank you Aussiemom. I think there is still a big degree of shock over the treatment I have received from all four of them (EC X 2, dil and sil). Deeply shocking. Now the extremis of healing crisis x 8 months has stopped, there is of course space for all the flipping emotions to bucket up! (Just keep chanting the White Tare chant!) But yes, I am facing “People and things as they are, not how I want them to be”. I can feel a biG “letting go” happening again and I just put the photos of the grandchildren away for now, which feels right. They are in the wooden chest with the toys.
The house is still in this small town, just around the corner. The garden swung it (privacy despite being an end of terrace), three apple trees and a damson and even a neglected vegetable plot at the end…I used to have a huge veg plot in past. We’ll see. No missions or complicating life! But I already knew the house was good for me. It has a good “feel” .All the houses here are ancient, so this is 400 years old with a classic ancient inglenook fireplace, wide elm floorboards, beams etc. This one is not a wreck or a project!
I haven’t read those books, but will have a look. This little town has a lot of creatives and broad minded people which I enjoy, and a lot of people who moved from London too. I have made friends across ages and social spectrums.
I am confused about the glass snowball as thought you lived in Australia!!!! but it sounds as if you have snow or frost?
My dog sitter has just confirmed she can have my two sweet dogs for a couple of weeks Christmas 2019, and India group trips are on sale for two more days, so I am going to return to beloved India from about 21st Dec to 4th January…I don’t have to think further than that, just book it. I’ll be with a group and have travelled with that company before, low buck and lots of trains and buses and hecticness etc (I love it), so it feels good not to have to even think about Christmas and not have that build up etc again. Pre emptive strike! I’m well enough to go to India now and I can feel it’s going to keep improving phew.
January 9, 2019 at 10:58 pm #68094
Delilah, when you get to the point in your life where you can state your case and not care about the fallout with those who’ve been ragging on you for years, you know you’re cured. You are entitled to be you. Oddly enough. People who do nothing but judge you regardless of being family or not, you don’t need them in your life. That’s where these kids get their parents by estranging themselves. First of all, it’s about control, it’s about unkindness, it’s about abusing the parent(s), it’s about being judgemental when in return, it’s not given to them. If they continue in the same behaviour, they are stuck. If you don’t continue buying into their behaviour, you’re not stuck. Mind you, it takes a few years to get to the point of not getting caught in the quicksand of that sort of behaviour.
And I’m in snowy Canada, south central part. I am the mother of two Australian Shepherds…and I feed an army of red, grey and black squirrels all winter long as well as numerous birds. As well as a husband, who is very obliging in what I feed him. I don’t know if those two authors books are still available. They’ll make nice winter’s reading and good for you for booking the trip to India. Looking ahead. And the new house, an end unit, sounds perfect.
January 10, 2019 at 1:56 pm #68150
Aussiemom. You are an very wise and intuitive woman. Your first paragraph hits the nail on the head. I recognise it is why I am in a melt down at moment. I am accepting I have a daughter with BPD, same as her father. I am recognising I am not able to have her around me. My son is not a golden child but he did initiate reconnection x 4 visits, which were going well and we spent hours talking. This was sabotaged by ED and the “second wave” response (after the expected big reactions when I made the report)
The second wave has been false allegations against me, character assassination, smear campaign, I was chilled to realise at the time it was deliberate in order to sabotage reconnection with my son and DIL etc. My son has not shown great courage in standing up to that, and is no doubt still working through his own stuff.
I am coming to terms with the fact that it may be possible in future (maybe some years, who knows) to have a relationship with my son again (that was a good relationship) but not with my ED, who is very poisonous and bullying to me, and has been for some time and before I made the report.
I think I am meant to go through this bit before I move (not expecting to be free of all emotions re this in new house, but it is a new start).
I am not adopting a victim stance, but ED is just another one in a line of abusive people throughout my life. It stops now. Those who know me, including her, have always described me as strong and even inspirational, but I have had an Achilles heel from childhood experiences of accepting unacceptable behaviour towards me.
I am grateful in many ways for the estrangement, which has given me time to dig deep into all this past and have therapy. But, I am a bit like Bambi at the moment! slipping about on new wobbly legs!
I have ordered the book by miss read, her first one, which will be lovely to immerse myself in by the Woodburner here through winter. Thank you for the recommendation. We do not have Canadas snows, and it is mostly grey here.
I have a strong image of you feeding your army of squirrels and birds, and husband.! I too do the same (not a husband…had two of those, and a live in partner, so have lived with three men for 33 years. I now have a “dog husband, which is much better, apart from the lack of opposable thumbs and thus not great at DIY) and two stray cats here too. I think we both take comfort from nourishing other life, and no doubt you feel that with the B and B too.
It was salutary and also “stirred the pot”, to be with the 80 year old friend the other day. Similar daughter, and is frightened of her. And she quietly said “I’m not sure I want to see her again”. I’m twenty years younger, but it made me realise I don’t want to still be feeling this way by 80. I realise you are around that age and have worked to a place long past that, of acceptance whilst still having the difficult times.
January 9, 2019 at 11:27 pm #68099
Birthdays, mothers day, Christmas…. present extra emotional challenges.
Some of these types of days are so difficult, as you said, dililah, yet you are taking numerous positive steps, and we are with you, each trying to take our steps.
That is a great idea, to plan a trip and look forward to it.
I am glad for you that you are able to do that.
January 10, 2019 at 2:00 pm #68160
I know how difficult it is to “face” the truth of some people, things, situations…. Once you do though, it’s so much easier to see a way to a future you design.
Hugs to you,
January 10, 2019 at 3:18 pm #68163
Delilah, facing the reality of any situation close to your heart is something I think you never really get over but it will allow you to build in some character towards not accepting behaviour that which has been hurtful to you in your life.
I grew up with an English Mother, who was no-nonsense, deal with what you have to deal with who put steel into my very wobbly spine. But she was also controlling. And this left me vulnerable to others who would and could control me. Also, I was adopted into a family who loved me to bits. I was an only child and never subjected to disrespect in any form or kind. When, in my second marriage, following the horrible death of my husband, I didn’t recognize, at first, the condescending attitude of my second husband. He disrespected me in front of my own children and his two. Was it any wonder that they in turn disrespected me, all but my son, who never bought into his stepfather’s behaviour and his disrespect of me, nor of his step siblings and eventually, his sister’s behaviour towards me. When it became too much for me, I terminated the marriage (ten years later). It was quite a lesson for me to accept that people who I felt were supposed to love and care for and about you, didn’t.
In the end, we only have ourselves and if we don’t look after us, we are not facing some realities in our lives. You have done that, you are looking after yourself. If you feel wobbly about it, well, you should. It’s been too recent in your life and you’ve had to deal with an awful shock. But you had the courage to do something about it, to rectify a potentially serious and harmful situation for your grandchildren, and you’ve stood your ground with your children.
I don’t know about you, but yes, at 81, I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t need or seek any more stress in it than will come with coping with older age and a body which is aging. If I am not acceptable to my daughter, who estranged herself from me and from my family years ago, nine or ten, I’ve lost track, then that’s not something I’m going to dwell on for the rest of whatever life I may be given. I don’t bullsh*t people, I am who I am, if this isn’t acceptable to my daughter, then, I’ve done the best I could in raising her, in giving her whatever life I could so that she could grow up herself. The problem between us, and there are apparently many I gather, is that I have seen the reality of behaviour I found unacceptable to me and emotion does not cloud my judgement on that nor the person to whom I was married and whose family she chose over mine. Did it ever occur that she could be entitled to have two families in her life? I don’t know.
Miss Read will sooth your soul, the writing will take you back to a time of innocence. The writing in her books is not sophisticated by any means, but simple renderings of village life in England at an earlier time last century and written by Dora Saint, a former school teacher herself, as Miss Read is and was. They soothed my soul at a time when I needed it, I hope they might do so for you sitting by your fire, over the grey winter months.
January 10, 2019 at 8:50 pm #68203
Thank you for that post. I am learning from it, as I have found other posts of yours, helpful as well. I just wanted to let you know, and thank you.
January 11, 2019 at 10:41 pm #68347
“Did it ever occur that she could be entitled to have two families in her life? I don’t know.” ~AUSSIEMOM
Dear Awesome AUSSIEMOM,
I could ask the same question to my son. His father and I had a mutual agreement to live separately and remained amicable. All was well until his sister meddled and began sowing seeds of discord, and the process of parental alienation. Her younger sister confirmed it. Sadly, I don’t think my son ever realized that he could have both sides united in their love for him.
Recently, when I learned that he was ill, I was making arrangements to care for him as it would make a sorrowful situation a bit lighter for my son. Yes, I would do that. And then again, the same sister told a few lies, and all came to a screeching halt.
If only my son knew that he held the power to have both parents united in their love and support for him. All he had to do was demand it, and his grandmother certainly would rubber-stamp it. The the powers of hell would have to go lay down. His father and I are not like his meddling aunt who has an all or nothing mentality.
Is it possible that our EC don’t realize they are entitled to have both families?
January 11, 2019 at 11:19 pm #68363
BeeHere, the former step sister to my daughter (she came into our lives when she was 9 years old) has meddled in my daughter’s life (she was 6 at the time) to a great extent and interfered in my daughter’s relationship with her brother, a young neighbour and with me. Jealousy was her reason, she said, years later. To some extent I understood the reason behind her behaviour but she has done irreparable damage in my own family’s life and in mine. For the same reason a psychiatrist recommended she go to private boarding school for girls when she was sixteen years old, this behaviour of interfering in other people’s relationships appears not to have changed in the years that I maintained contact with her. It’s too late now to rectify the damage she’s caused in our family. So I don’t know what you can do about the interference when it is allowed by the estranged person. Meddling in other people’s lives, particularly between a parent and a child, is venomous. It is sick, it is evil. What your son’s aunt has done has been blasphemous. Don’t others in the family recognize this and the damage she’s caused in your relationship with your son. What are her motives, do you think? How can some people appear to function in life but be so sick in the head in regard to how they hurt others.
January 12, 2019 at 11:09 am #68384
The ex SIL began meddling before our marriage. She resented her brother moving “back home,” buying his grandmother’s house, and that her mother was thrilled that he was marrying me. Through the years, a camera captured her expressions of seething jealousy as she looked at me, her brother and of course, my son. The damage she caused our marriage was irreparable.
I have no idea why my son tolerates her, or doesn’t stand up for his parents. His grandmother was thrilled that I was planning to take care of her son (my ex) in a nice home close hers. And with me caring for him, he told me that he might qualify for a heart transplant. ex SIL knew this, then sabotaged the plan. I never mentioned a word about filing for support (??), it is not an option. Now my son will suffer the loss of his father sooner and under the worst conditions. She is a horrible excuse of a human being.
She feigned martyrdom and appointed me as the scapegoat. I have proof that she was aware of her brother’s drug abuse and declined the opportunity for his intervention. Her exact words, “I don’t love him that much.” The life he had would have been saved. Jealousy, money and control? And, a need to conceal her illegal actions in her brother’s divorce. She will scam 12 to 20K from her mother’s estate that she is not entitled to. Her mother would disown her!
Honestly, I thought my son was smarter than her. He wouldn’t give me the time to explain it. Being too self absorbed to think about the two people who cared for you the most, will be his mistake. He could have had much, more, but now, he will end up with much, much less.
Aussiemom, the answer to your last question is “Intelligent ignorance,”
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