Thebluesky

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Viewing 11 posts - 23 through 33 (of 399 total)
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  • in reply to: Aussie Mom, Rainbow, ,Sheri, Lostin, Ann #43378
    TheblueskyThebluesky
    Participant

    My dear friends, you all have warmed my heart so much. I want you to know that I just started typing names in the post title and ran out of space at Ann. But each and everyone of you were meant to be there.

    Dear Aussiemom, yes, you and I exchanged often how that while most of life is now feeling pretty balanced and whole after these years have gone by, there is a very fragile line separating that from the rejection and sadness our bodies once felt so intensely. Through me off to cry as I did nonetheless. Indeed, our humanness makes us vulnerable. As always, thank you for your caring strength. And a big hug to you too.

    Rainbow, I so appreciated your reminder of not wasting precious time. It can become easy to slip back into a pattern of gloom. Sending you and your hubby a lot of love.

    Yellow rose, thank you for your kind thoughts. I am sorry that Christmas left you feeling down. Is it possible at all to consider a move to brighter year round skies? For me I know that to be able to gaze at the blue skies most every day is a big part of my well being. Thinking of you.

    Missmarleygirl, if you don’t mind I gave your cosmic dust a periwinkle hue. You as well have inspired and made such a difference with your kind words. Thank you.

    Ning, patient, moving on, butterfly, thank you all for your caring thoughts and support. To know that there are those that don’t even know me yet take the time to be a friend is priceless.

    Kittylvr, birthdays, yes have always bothered me more then holidays. You have been through so much, and I’m glad that you are taking care of yourself with therapy. Much love to you.

    Lostin, we lost our little bird this past September, but brought home a new little guy after Christmas. He is very spunky and has added a positive energy to our home. So glad that your puppy is bringing you joy. Thank you for your kindness and allowing me to see that although my crying jag shook me up, it was love really coming to the surface. Peace and love to you.

    Dear Sheri, ah yes, much has changed. My husband and I both started new jobs end of August. On the upside financially we are doing much better. I am now with an extremely busy practice where I am treating acute and chronic pain patients. I do not have a moment to sit and I am EXHAUSTED. I still walk home and the other day I was so tired I thought I would pass out in the middle of the sidewalk. My husband gave me a beautiful new yoga mat for Christmas and I’ve yet to step on it.

    Much of what you said I can see. I guess the only way the washcloth could be free of one more drop of water would be to put it out in the sun to dry completely. But then you would have to use it again.

    Admittedly, I have been thinking more about the length of time that has gone by and the permanence of it all. And that is so sad. At my new job no one knows I have a son. Just a daughter and grandchildren. A few years ago I would just say oh my son lives there, he has busy life, haven’t seen in a while. People love to talk about their families. I felt in the past that I was just lying and I couldn’t do it anymore. That may sound messed up, but as Lostin said, our story has changed.

    I peek here once in a while, but honestly this site has grown so much that I wouldn’t be able to keep up and follow everyone. That feels a little selfish, as this was my lifeline for quite a while and I wish I did have the time and energy. But I do agree, that once one has moved past a certain point, regression is a possibility if you relive the trauma. So it is a fine line. And the focus of the site is healing. So even if I am no longer a “regular” here, I think about and pray for healing for everyone seasoned and new.

    Thank you for letting me cry. I’m sure it won’t be the last time. But my life goes on and I have much to be grateful for.

    Peace and Love to all

    TheBluesky

    in reply to: There is no reasonable answer to Estrangement #43392
    TheblueskyThebluesky
    Participant

    Aussiemom, I was on the site responding to my prior post and saw this from you.

    How could anyone that gave decades of love and care to another, and then
    with the flip of a hand and not a backwards glance from that child, not feel diminished.

    Like you and many others here, I experienced the disrespect and disregard from my son in recognizing the good and kind, not just mother, but person that I was, that i am. And that he could determine that my existence no longer held any worth in his eyes will never have a decent explanation. Indeed Aussiemom, how would they feel if we just let them know their actions or words were a bummer and just go away forever. We won’t know, because we would have never done it.

    Yes, I cried the other day until I almost threw up. While my son lives his life with no shame for what he decided. I can never change that. And as mmg said, I agree that the long term, off and on struggle is not just accepting the estrangement, but accepting and loving ourselves beyond it.

    An explanation from him at this point would make little difference I believe. I don’t know, I’ll probably never know. At this point for me pondering the unanswerable I know will always be there, but the trick is not to let it overtake me. If I have to cry until I throw up once a year, I’ll take that over the 24 hours a day depression I used to experience.

    We have travelled far on this path together. And like you I never thought my thumbs would be pecking away on a phone conversing with others from every corner of the planet about any of this. Thank goodness we have had each other through Sheri’s vision.

    TheBluesky

    in reply to: If Contact Was Made Today What Would You Do? #43189
    TheblueskyThebluesky
    Participant

    Dear Bhopeful, in the first year or so I pondered this question often. In fact, I fantasied, imagining my son calling or traveling to see me, the two of us picking up to the time where this kid and I were close. Yeah, it was just a big crappy misunderstanding on his part he would say to me. I would say that’s okay like I always did. He would apologize to me and my husband, as he always did. Another year went by. My tears stopped. But I constantly wondered about him. Was he happy, safe, healthy. I walked outside every night and looked to the North sky. Saying prayers of happiness, health and life’s goodness for him. Wondering too if he thought at all about us.

    This June it will be four years since we have have last seen or spoke.

    I feel the essence of having giving birth to a son. But I no longer “feel” him.

    At this point in my life, the time that has passed since his departure, it is of no use to ponder. Life will always bring me unexpected circumstances. I cannot rehearse any of it.

    I will always love my baby boy. As I love myself, my husband, and our journey as we age and need to keep ourselves emotionally and mentally fit. Not so much room anymore for the what ifs of an almost forty year old grown adult. We will be approaching in the next decade our own self care. With no family care or concern. Out plate right now is happy and full, but we are no fools. He can appear at any time, he can make amends, I can muddle through that, but my husband and I are number one until the day we croak.

    TheBluesky

    in reply to: Happy Holidays #40658
    TheblueskyThebluesky
    Participant

    Love you Rainbow 💞

    Merry Christmas to you and your wonderful husband!

    TheBluesky

    in reply to: Perspective and Grateful #40659
    TheblueskyThebluesky
    Participant

    Hugs and more sweet dreams to you.

    TheBluesky 💜

    in reply to: CAN MOTHERLY LOVE RUN OUT? #38958
    TheblueskyThebluesky
    Participant

    This topic has by far, once years of tears ceased, had been one that plagued me the most as I found myself thinking less and less, day by day, about my son. I began once again judging myself, the mother that I was. How could I not think of him, how was this not hurting at the level it once did? Was I as cold and unfeeling, suddenly able to dismiss him as easily from my life as he did with me? Well, maybe not as easily, but nonetheless that is what it had evolved to. And in addition, feeling a weight lifted of worry and concern over him, as there was always something to be worried and concerned about, as we were once very close and I knew most of everything occurring in his life. And since I no longer have any info, my mind has more space.

    I no longer question his decision to estrange, if I did, then I would continue to judge myself as a mother, as a person. But the reality still exists that I gave birth to a child. And that speaks for itself. But I sometimes feel like I gave up a child I gave birth to for adoption. Or how I’m guessing someone might feel.
    There will be an umbilical cord that that will never be entirely cut. But in letting that child go, the best I can do is wish him a happy, loving, healthy life as that it what he left me with being able to give him. And not worry about any future what ifs about contact or gaining information. I know that I have no control over what could occur in the future concerning him, but as it stands my husband and I only have one another, have to work hard every day, probably till we drop. Yes we are exhausted taking care of ourselves. Grateful, but exhausted. But not the kind of emotional exhaustion felt in what we had to go through to finally smile about life again.

    Peace and Love to everyone here. I do not post or respond as I did a few years ago,but I think of and pray for every parent that has reached out as I did over three ago. I typed the word “rejected” into my phone three years ago, met Sheri McGregor, and found hope and support and eventually a calmness that I believe saved me.

    🐬 TheBluesky

    in reply to: Last Words #38773
    TheblueskyThebluesky
    Participant

    Yes, last words. I always thought that last words from my son could, would be a poignant, loving summation of our fun, deep, and curious relationship that we shared for the vast majority of his life up till three and a half years ago. I’ll give this one to him to sift through and make sense of. Obviously, when I depart, he can be free to express. And it won’t bother me a bit..

    TheBluesky

    in reply to: Gloria Gaynor….I Will Survive! #38768
    TheblueskyThebluesky
    Participant

    Dear Sphinx, I love you!!! Yes. I crumbled. For a time. I laid down, dying inside. Oh yes, I was crazy, unstable and in need of mental help. Because in my wildest, craziest dreams this boy/man would not have, could not have done this. So be it my son. Indeed. I am not the same person.

    I reached. I reached deep into my soul and saw that young mother that woke each morning and smiled, as the love for my children was what I lived for. I was obsessed.

    I am now obsessed with me, my husband, my job, my plants, my bunnies and squirrels, my lizards, the waves in the ocean, my community, my friends near and far, my global passions, throwing some clay, my friends, cannot even begin to describe those here that opened my eyes to my personal worthiness.

    Yes, I had a myocardial infarction for about two years. AKA broken heart.

    Stitched it up.

    Peace and Love,

    TheBluesky 🌎 🌏 🌍 🎶 ✌

    in reply to: Gloria Gaynor….I Will Survive! #38766
    TheblueskyThebluesky
    Participant

    Dear Sphinx, I love you!!! Yes. I crumbled. For a time. I laid down, dying inside. Oh yes, I was crazy, unstable and in need of mental help. Because in my wildest, craziest dreams this boy/man would not have, could not have done this. So be it my son. Indeed. I am not the same person.

    I reached. I reached deep into my soul and saw that young mother that woke each morning and smiled, as the love for my children was what I lived for. I was obsessed.

    I am now obsessed with me, my husband, my job, my plants, my bunnies and squirrels, my lizards, the waves in the ocean, my community, my friends near and far, my global passions, throwing some clay, my friends, cannot even begin to describe those here that opened my eyes to my personal worthiness.

    Yes, I had a myocardial infarction for about two years. AKA broken heart.

    Stitched it up.

    Peace and Love,

    TheBluesky 🌎 🌏 🌍 🎶 ✌

    in reply to: Virtual Thanksgiving Party #38426
    TheblueskyThebluesky
    Participant

    Brknhrtd, I am so sorry that you had a lonely day. I think to one degree or another we have all felt or experienced what you described and can certainly understand your statement that “sometimes things just dont ever work out” no matter how hard a person tries or prays.

    Many years ago I also made a major long distance move to create something new for myself. I was not married at the time and didn’t know a soul in my new location. I was not experiencing estrangement at that time, but I soon found myself feeling lonely, fearfull, and second guessing my decision. Without it being a plan really, I started on my weekends off of work, taking a coffee and muffin down to the boardwalk at the beach at the same time each morning. Soon I found myself seeing the same “regulars” each time. Waves and polite hellos soon evolved into chatting and walking together. They were single women or men, and couples also. I was no social butterfly, as I had just a few years prior left an abusive marriage of nineteen years where I was virtually friendless during those years by his hand, and I didn’t have much confidence. These weekend friends were a somewhat non committal means of socializing and expanding my world beyond just the thoughts in my head.

    It has not been an easy journey to move beyond the thoughts in my head since my son left our life. But with a much needed plan to move forward, I found for myself that just like when I moved many years ago, I had to for my sanity, change and make new habits in how I filled those moments, hours, or days when I was consumed with the emotions you described.

    I know that what I’ve just said is not a magic solution. And this journey, the way we find peace to the extent we can is different for everyone.

    An endnote: On one of those Saturday mornings I went to the boardwalk and beach, I met a handsome guy. We just a few months ago celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary. I would have never imagined given my past experiences, that I could end up being blessed.

    TheBluesky

    in reply to: Virtual Thanksgiving Party #38299
    TheblueskyThebluesky
    Participant

    Happy Thanksgiving Sheri! And to all here! I can see you Sheri in that special apron in your kitchen. Years ago I sent my daughter an apron that her great grandmother made in probably 1940. I have no idea if she ever wore it, but I loved gifting it to her.

    Yes Sphinx, it is raining in Florida today. But to us Floridians it is like a chilly winter day that is sometimes welcomed. But I do always hope that the families that have planned their special trip here for the holidays are met with our signature brilliant BlueSkies and can dig their toes in warm sand. It looks ike the sun will be back out tomorrow just for you and your hubby. Enjoy.

    Calla lily, I always smile when I see your name. Those were the flowers I carried down the beach when my husband and I were married ten years ago. We were on a tight budget for that day, and calla lilies are a little pricey and are not readily available. But there I was, with a dozen in white. And seriously, I could eat just stuffing as my meal. Happy Stuffing Day my friend.

    SimplifyPlease, YES!!!!!/ Green bean, cheese and dried onion casserole! Would typically be on my menu today, but sticking to a more low cal version. Beans, sliced almonds sprinkled with feta. No worries, where I live, if you’re not at work, you are in your pajamas. Happy day to you.

    Hi kittylvr. So a little dog to hug close is maybe on your Christmas list? I am wishing that for you. Without even knowing what you look like, I can see you with this little special friend. Don’t turn your back, my husband will devour your chocolate cake.

    Lostinadream, hey sneak in a couple bottles of Pinot! Looks like a big crowd. Cheers to you too🍹

    Starver, there can never be enough flowers in a home, especially on holidays. Thank you. It has been just my hubby and I for many years, It took some time, but we put on a show just for us! Wishing you and your husband a wonderful day.

    Dear Peace, your name says it all, any day of the year. Thank you.

    Forgetmenot, yes, Grateful Hearts! Thank You! Just wondering how the sugarless pies tasted!

    Dear Aussiemom, I have felt over the years that I have shared many a meal in your home with you. And have sipped tea out on your back porch. Your humor, instinct, and care through these years helped to plant my feet ever more firmly. Happy Every Day to you my dear friend.

    Sheri, much love and gratitude to you dear lady. You have changed lives with your devotion. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

Viewing 11 posts - 23 through 33 (of 399 total)