Forum Replies Created
Emmit and CeCe, good morning! I, like you, have pondered how far do I go to make amends. If at all it happens. I keep reading all the posts, of mostly moms telling of how their sons and daughters nit pick every tiny thing of their being, blame them for EVERYTHING. How would they respond if we did that. What if we said “your temper tantrums as a toddler traumatized me, I lost money leaving work to attend your events, you emmbaresed me, I wore crappy clothes so you could have the latest trends, I had the courage to divorce your father to protect youand had to start all over, I missed out on “me” time staying on the phone with you because you had a problem with your girlfriend, I have a chronic back problem because I slept on the floor for 3 months while you and your husband and newborn took over my bedroom while you were waiting for your new home, I never went to Spain because my vacation time and money was spent visiting you. You get it. How ridiculous it sounds. That’s how they sound. My heart breaks for those that were horribly abused as children who have REAL reasons to be struggling with their lives. At this time for me, if both my EC showed up, with much love I in some way would
give a blanket apology, but never “fess up” to being the terrible mom they made up. My focus
would be more on what do you want, and what do we need to do to start fresh with love and care for each other. My son has always criticized me for looking at the world through rose colored glasses. He doesn’t realize that is how I was able to give love even in the most challenging times. We did good, all of us. We still and always will love them. But at almost sixty years old, my husband and I have more on our minds; health, money, jobs. I will always, if they needed, positively support them, and I never expected a reward, but wouldn’t it be nice to feel cared for too.
Hi CeCe, I think your point is one we all struggle with in the event of a reconciliation. I think that there are so many variables. Age of your adult child, length of estrangement, the family dynamics, your support system, etc. Human addiction, I think is real. But with our children, I believe we have a primal instinct to protect, even if they are misbehaving. We give them excuses, WE even blame others for their hurtful actions. I have expressed on this forum all the admirable traits my son and daughter possess. And I meant it with all my heart and I definitely feel that I was part of the instrument that contributed. But, I know just as much, with all my imperfections, that I never taught them to be mean, vicious, or cold hearted. So, after one year of silence, I of course have been on a voyage that has to this day revealed much. I, like all, wish to have my son and daughter become a caring, loving part of my life. In the passage of this, which ever way it goes, I had to examine so much, it was and is hard. I thought just a small while ago that I was becoming hardened, but now realize it is a strength for me and a wishing for them. As much as you feel for your child, feel that for yourself. All of you are worth it.
Dear Cara, in reading through most of the posts, the common threads are why? How? I love a soft touch person and I am sure that not only did you have loving kindness for your son, I’m sure that you are a compassionate, loving woman to everyone. To me, being a gentle person should not be a target for mistreatment. All of us probably spoiled our kids a little. I know that for some reason we tend to blame ourselves. I think it is part of the natural process of looking for answers. I know this constant chatter in the mind of all the what ifs. It is maddening. But it comes from a love that is grieving right now. To me the first six months were exhausting. I wish I had found this site early on as you have. Everyone here understands from a perspective that can only come from this experience. Every story is different, but the pain is the same. I know more then ever, you want your son back. But for today and the next, love and honor the great mom and the great woman you are.
Oh, Sheri, I forgot to say THANK YOU FOR BEING FABULOUS!
Yes indeed Sheri! If and when the moment ever comes where there is a chance to reunite, I will present not just as a mom, but as a woman of confidence, intelligence and one who is perfectly imperfect. I think too that it is time at thirty eight and thirty four years old, that if we have any chance to have a relationship, the first thing that would have to be embraced is that MUTUAL care and respect you brought up. It may be along time or maybe never. I don’t know, so I am going to work on myself every day as though it will happen, or that it never will. I know this journey keeps presenting new chapters, and I’ll have some days where I’m feeling pretty good, and some not so great. Are there any existing articles or other reading that deals with estrangement a year or more in, where you maybe feel like your getting some emotional footing, but can use some concrete step guidance to continue to positively move forward?
Dear CeCe, thank you for your thoughts. In my earlier posts I gave the story and insight about my ES and ED. My embarrassment, and fear of judgement was not that I just had one estranged child, but both of my children. Surely people would think that I was the cause. They were both raised like so many of us describe…loved and adored, kissed and hugged, birthday and slumber parties, room mother, girl scouts, cheer leading, music lessons, sports. I was not a stage mom. I truly loved seeing them enjoy their lives. We were very middle class, so of course there was a limit on activities. My daughter was a very quiet, easy child. But it was apparent that she thought I didn’t measure up to other mothers when she entered high school. She gravitated towards the kids whose parents were well to do. It was at that point where I could feel her rejecting me. Their father and I divorced when the were both young teens. They were okay with it, he was a not a nice guy to say the least. He completely left their lives. It was just me. In the years to come she and I never had harsh words, but it was distant and token. She married into a very well to do family, and although she has expressed dislike for them, the prestige and money override. She does work very hard and I have always been proud of her. In a loving attempt to build something more, we gave up our lives to move near her. I have told of the heartbreaking experience. Since then, this last year I have only actually spoken with her once and had a few texts. Now nothing. I still don’t know if I should keep trying. So really without a word, she has vanished. Sorry for the drawn out story. We all know we just touch the tip of it, plus I do this on a teeny phone! Thanks for listening about one of my children being sadly missed, really for much more then a year.
I’m sorry CeCe, you asked about reconciling, and I lost my thought train. I recently posted about being mad, and thank you for your reply to that,… as I said, they would be greeted with open arms, but I would not revert back to the old patterns of disfunction. That would be an invitation to start from square one in the estrangement state of mind again. I have been experiencing this for a year and have too much hurt and committed myself to self healing, with or without them. You stated that you are three months estranged. And that you are miserable. For me those first couple months, I was consumed in constant sadness, believing because it had been a relatively short period, that they would come around, realizing their mistake. This may sound not very loving to a lot of people, but I just did not nine months ago have the perspective, the courage to stand up for my own self worth, where I would have fallen right back into the same unhealthy dynamics. I did not find this site until two months ago, had really been suffering for almost a year with no one other then my husband(who was broken hearted too) and one close friend. So I am so happy that you can embrace this support and experience of well intended parents as well as Sheri’s research and advise. I found that once I began expressing things that were bottled up for almost a year, I REALLY started to commit to my well being, and hopefully one day for me, I can share these skills with my adult children or maybe grandchildren. Reading the articles was a huge help. I’m still hoping, wondering, but started ng to have more ups than downs. I love my children today as much as the day they were born, I know you love your daughter too. I’m not giving up on them, but not giving up myself either.
Dear Cece, oh my, exactly as my son would behave (and me). Getting along, honeymoon period, lashing out because I didn’t phrase a sentence quite right, a week later an apology, of course me accepting unconditionally….. a month later the same scene. Over and over for years. Why….because I feared losing him. But ultimately, obviously, it made no difference. His last words to me a year ago were you are so bleeping (you know the real word) stupid, and oh you poor victim. Then the handing down of the sentence of banishing me into the prison for estranged parents. My daughter had been slowly fading from my life for years, and pretty much without a word has completely slipped away. I am sorry to say, that if we had any kind of significant money, none of this would have taken place. Just being who we are, have always been, is of no value to them. Hang in there and hang on to anyone and anything that brings you joy.
Dear linwinning, thank you so much for wishing me a better tomorrow. I have a dear friend whose daughter is how you describe your daughter. I wish for you that one day eyes will not roll, but look into each other’s with love and truth. Sheri, thank you for recognizing and validating the intense emotions that are a part of this heart wrenching reality. I really was mad, for the first time in a year! A year today of silence and sadness and feeling sometimes that I am in a nightmare, waiting to wake up. Cece, with all my heart, I want to one day hear a knock on my door and see my son and draughter. My husband and I talked about that today. We both said that we would hug and kiss them and and let them know how much they are and have always been loved. But….a new conversation, one we’ve never had would somehow have to take place. It would be hard and scarey. But I will not, cannot, as Sheri said, walk on eggshells anymore. I still every day pray for a miracle, whether I am mad or sad.
Dear broken mother, I’m sorry, I wasn’t done with the message and it got sent. I do this from my phone because I don’t have a computer. I just wanted to add, I do what my heart tells me, regardless of how anyone responds. You know deep down what your heart speaks. You are a mom and a grandma. And not any one being can take that from you. You have been granted that honor. And although the distance hurts so bad right now, i feel it every day, we never know what the next day may bring. Honor yourself. You deserve it.
Dear broken mother and all who are missing grandchildren, one year estrangement from both my son and daughter. Four grandkids, my daughters children, ages five to sixteen. There is nothing that will keep me from sending cards or gifts to them. There has been, of course four birthdays in the last year and I did receive two phone thank you messages. Both from the two girls, not the boys. I haven’t spoken to my daughter except once in a year. The last thank you from nine year old granddaughter, I was at work so couldn’t answer, but she said call me later Grammy. Of course I tried many times (my daughters phone) and no answer. At least she had the respect to let her call me. As long as she gives the cards or gifts to the kids, call or not, I know that we are doing all we can. Time will tell. I was very close to the oldest, she was flower girl when I remarried, used to talk to her a lot (we live in different state) but nothing in a year except thank you last December. As was mentioned, they will grow up and maybe seek us out. So for not one minute will I let them think they are forgotten. Even if the gifts were sent back, I’ll still keep sending. The universe records that energy, as long as it is done with love.