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Dear Cara, I am glad you found this site as I did, about ten months into estrangement from both son and daughter. This Friday it will have been a year. You described me, and my husband. Disbelief, grief, anger, your heart in a state of shock really. I still struggle on some level daily, but with the help of this community of loving parents, a few understanding friends, and a will to reclaim my spirit, a positive path is slowly appearing. I have gained so much insight in reading everyone’s posts. For most, we ease into parenthood naturally, fueled by a love we’ve never known. Estrangement is not natural. I was not born with the wisdom to navigate this level of heartache. I needed help. I knew that I could not keep suffering in silence. On some level I felt like I was dying. But I did not die. I still hope concerning them, but also hope that I will have a beautiful life, with or without them.June 22, 2015 at 10:07 pm in reply to: Fathers of Estranged Adult Children….join in and share too #3578
Welcome MLou to this incredible forum of support and personal experience. The more I read of the individual stories of estrangement, the more insight has been revealed concerning my circumstance of both a son and daughter who have vanished from our lives. My husband is not the biological father, but for the past twelve years had embraced them and grandkids as his own. We have lived most of the years miles away, but son lived with us while recovering from broken heart. My husband was not his father, his bio dad abandoned him when he was seventeen, but my husband, with no hesitatation, stepped in and supported, listened, never judged and truly cared for my son and daughter. It has been a year of silence and has been a journey of shared tears and pain. We are better today. As GDC shared, if you read past posts, you will see how the emotions evolve. Not whole by any means, but recognizing and embracing the goodness and love in our lives despite the pain that hovers in the background. I feel for you, I know the sadness. Like most, I will never give up hope, but I also will never throw myself away.
GDC, thank you so much for the soul lit nature walk through your day. I used to live many years ago in your region and could envision what you saw. I live in a very tropical environment and am blessed too every day with the wonder of it all. The biggest miracle is that despite the loss of your dear husband, and the estrangement of your child, is that you have chosen to be a woman that is grateful and engaged in life. Although I still think of my children at least a hundred times a day, I have chosen to fill the spaces in between with as much love and appreciation for all the good in my life as I can. What has really helped me the last few days, as I explained in my last post under “thank you”, is to only focus on the goodness in my children. That is not to minimize the pain they have caused with their absence, but if I only am immersed in dark thoughts of their ill free will, I know I will slowly sink into a depressed abyss that will be difficult to crawl out of. THAT was beginning to happen and I knew only ultimately that it was only myself, not them, that could save me. I am a believer in the power of energy sent out into the world, positive or negative, and even silently done. Continue to love and enjoy your forest and feathered friends. It all sees and loves you too.
To Sheri and all who have responded, thank you so very much! My situation has not changed in respect to my children. But by allowing myself to be vulnerable and vocal in this supportive forum, has given me pause to reflect on more than just estrangement. Of course I will always hold out hope that we will reconcile and develop a renewed more mature relationship. In the interim, I am going to do my best to focus on my husband and myself. And to think only lovingly of my son and daughter. Despite this current distance, I know them to be of goodness and remind myself that 25 years ago I did not possess the wisdom or patience I have now. As many have vocalized on this forum, we did our best to raise them, mistakes and all. Although our lives were not ideal due to their father, I am proud to say that both turned out to be intelligent, hardworking, dedicated to their children and good citizens. Don’t worry, I am not delusional! I just think its time for love and light instead of tears. And I hope they will be drawn to the light. Everyone , THANK YOU!
Dear linlinwinning, thank you so very much for your breath of fresh air. In response, it is very hot where we are. I walk about two miles to work each day. I try to vary my route to see new things or to say good morning to someone new. Migrating birds, new scents of foliage. I am always in awe of it all and am grateful that I get to be a part of it’s wonder. I am a massage therapist that works with those that have been injured or have chronic conditions. So I participate on a very personal level with others. I did today, dedicate my work more than ever, it helped. I have those who look to me for relief. Sometimes lately I want to be MIA. I am grateful, appreciative, have friends, a living husband that sings his guitar to me. I just miss my children. And, without hesitation, I do truly believe that the answers will reveal themselves. It just wasn’t this morning. But I embrace your kind loving words, and will take them with me into tomorrow.
Hi MovingOn, my goodness, you and I are clones! Second wonderful husband, 750 square foot modest apartment, but in a beautiful location, one car, I walk to work rain or shine. And… we are so grateful for it. In fact, it is the place we had for fifteen years before we left to try and be a part of estranged adults lives. These places rarely open up due to local and exceptional landlords. But didmonths after we returned home. We were welcomed back with open arms (and no deposit!) We knew the universe was telling us it was the right thing to leave the rejection and abuse Today has found me for some reason, blaming myself. Five years after divorce from their abandoning father, I, god forbid, thought of myself and moved. They were grown already. Always went back twice a year, stayed in constant contact, helped them on many levels when needed. Not one occasion forgotten, not one telephone ring not answered no matter what time of day. My dear husband and I have never had a vacation just us two, always the money and time off work reserved for them. All I can think of right now is think god I met my husband, otherwise regardless of a lifetime of love to them, I would be sitting alone. I think I just resolved my own issues about guilt.
I obviously in my previous post touched on a general impression of today’s world, with how in that respect my ED and ED function.g My heart though, cannot fathom how she or her brother, can look at us with such disdain and lack of love. I revealed my story in girldoesntcare post labeled Become. That was just happened in the last year and s half. But it really began well before that. I look back now and of course see how we were less than in their eyes, but truly thought if we gave up everything and came to them, they would embrace our love and love who we were. We were so shocked and appalled and hurt. That yes, I could not even believe that this was the son and daughter I had given birth to and raised. Can I blame our high tech, entitled society. I would like to. But no matter what angle I try to figure it out from, will never take away the pain. So….am I to be as selfish as they and only be concerned with my own welfare? I think questions that have no absolute answers, but may be part of the journey of acceptance, truth and finding ultimately our divine place in this life.
Hey MovingOn, yes, the million dollar question of the twenty first century. I am 59 years old, not brought up in the stone age, but definitely still during an era where we were seen and not heard, and you did not question your parents. We had chores, and wore hand me downs and didn’t complain about it. There was a level of that in raising my own, except for they were demonstratively shown far more affection, and were not second class in my home. I did show them how to be charitable to those less fortunate, even when I was on a shoe string budget as a single mom of two teenagers. You get the picture. I was a good person trying to raise well loved, loving children. It swasn’t enough to see them through this, what has become, a sick world of greed and false entitlement. As much as technology has created some very positive contributions, for me personally it has created a society of false worship, and card blanc for throwing your family away for a world of instant gratification. I feel pain for my children. My ED keeps working hard to one up herself. She spends a fortune on her kids so they don’t look inferior to their peers. I know to a point she does it out of love for them, but where does it stop? And that brings us to where my husband and I are just not welcomed into their world, or my Es. Because we value strolls at night, sunsets, and feel we don’t have to spend beyond our means to impress anyone. My God, what freaks we are!!! But, it is not just their generation. My ED in laws buy into all the crap too. The last time I saw my family over a year ago at my granddaughters 8 year old birthday, I watched why my well thought out gift that cost $25 was thrown aside like garbage while she opened about $500 worth of things from other grandparents. MovingOn, I don’t know….but I will not trade my values or be who I am not to WIN? Love.
Welcome Hopeful22, I too am fairly new to this forum that in a very short period has been an immence source of understanding and support to me. I know too that never ending chatter in your head of “Why?” Especially during a time of physical distress such as you are facing. I wish that I could offer a miracle for you right this moment. But for right now, know that I am praying for you. I have not faced the diagnosis you are, but I have severe progressive rheumatoid arthritis and know what it feels like to have children you would have given your life for tell you they didn’t want to hear about it and to quit complaining. It is heartbreaking and so unimaginable to know that your own children could have such uncaring attitudes. Today I am feeling more empowered in dealing with the estrangement of these two selfish children of mine. There! I called them selfish! I decided for today that I am going to stop giving them excuses and focus my emotional energies on myself and those in my life that really do care about me. The love for them will never leave my heart, as I am sure you feel the same for your child. But for right now take care of and love yourself as you would your daughter if she was in need.June 14, 2015 at 9:03 pm in reply to: You just BECOME (Margery Williams The Velveteen Rabbit) #3407
Dear Girldontcare, tears in my eyes remembering this exert from the Velveteen Rabbit. Thank you. I am fairly new here and have posted a few times, but never revealed my story. I was going to recount all the dreadful, cruel, heartbreaking details. I’ve chosen not to, except to say that my husband(lwho is not my children’s biological father) and i gave up a year and a half ago, a beautiful life, jobs,wonderful friends, a great community, to move 1,300 miles to be near my son, daughter and grandchildren. Don’t get me wrong….we did not have money, we were paycheck to paycheck in our late fifties. We had to sell half of our belongings. Only to be greeted as though we were two ogers with humps on our backs. We were told how stupid and inept we were, in very colorful language. Left alone in a rental they had which turned out to be I am sorry in a slum area. We were afraid there while my daughter was tucked in her brand new home in a gated community. We were left with no heat while they went on vacation. There is so much more that you could not imagine. My beautiful dear husband cried. It would take a novel to explain all of it. Please don’t judge. I had to finally decide to get us back to our friends and community. So embarrassing, humiliating to tell of how my own children treated us. Through the grace of god we made it back, $15,000 in debt credit ruined. Day before we left, told of how inadequate of a mother I had always been, again how stupid, in language that cannot be printed here. This is from children that I raised as a single mom, giving everything in my power to them, and towards the most gentle, loving man that most would adore. So much history, seeing daughter through divorce, son lived with us for a year while he regrouped. Spending money we really didn’t have to visit and buy gifts. We left broken in pieces, like old stuffed animals no one wanted anymore. Then told flat out you are not wanted. They changed phone numbers etc. Both my daughter’s and son’s inlaws are well to do. Don’t get me wrong. I do not begrudge anyone earned wealth, but it should not mean superiority. Sorry I carried on, I hope someone out there, without knowing every single detail could imagine our heartache. Yeah, we feel like two worn out toys tossed to the curb. Daily, hour by hour, minute by minute striving to heal.
Hello Sheri and all , I really do see what you mean Sheri about shelfing the feelings for a day. I am attempting to just get through a few hours at a time with that. And I do actually feel my step becoming lighter in that process. I have been reminding myself of the purposeful life outside of my children that I lived before they decided to banish me from their lives. Why am I less worthy to experience joy and fulfilment now? I know the reasonable answers, it is just so difficult to push through the depressing chatter in my head. I actually say out loud “STOP IT! It will work as I said for a few hours or maybe just a few minutes, and hoping that one day soon it will happen naturally without this emotional struggle. Like Calm, I am so fed up with feeling this way that sometimes I wish that I was a cold hard you know what and just didn’t care or love. I have never had anything have so a hold on my entire being. I know that time, a lot of time, will one day smooth the edges. But I also know that it would be impossible to feel completely whole if they remain estranged. One minute at a time. Again thank you for this circle of support and love.