Getting through Mothers’ Day when an adult child is estranged: Six thoughts to help
by Sheri McGregor, M.A.
Media bombards us with images of smiling families, their arms brimming with bunches of blooming bouquets. We see gifts of jewelry, homemade cards, and children bringing trays of food to a mother who sleeps blissfully in. All the while, sweet, sentimental music accompanies the love fest.
For mothers whose adult children are estranged, the memories these images bring up can be especially cruel. As April turns to May, we’re likely dreading the day. Do we go to our place of worship as usual knowing we’ll be handed a rose that reminds us no flowers will arrive back at home? Among the pews of intact families, a sermon to honor us can make us feel especially alone. Do we leave the house at all that day? Every store has a special display, and every restaurant a Mother’s Day special or brunch.
Getting through Mother’s Day when an adult child is estranged is no easy feat.
Some of us feel sad and hurt and lonely. Others tremble with a hope for contact we don’t quite admit, because we fear we’ll be disappointed.
Some moms dread the text or email we figure is coming. “Happy Mother’s Day,” or even “I love you,” thumbed into a tiny Smartphone screen or typed into an email doesn’t match the roar of silence the rest of the year. And then, instead of joy on our special day, we find ourselves angry and full of anguish.
Even for moms whose other children remain close, the day holds a sense of loss for the one who is missing. But not wanting to spoil the festivities, we likely hold those feelings in.
Getting through Mother’s Day when an adult child is estranged takes a little planning. Here are six ideas to help mothers of estranged adult children get through the holiday.
Scoff at schemas. Mother’s Day, like most other holidays, brings up all sorts of “schemas,” a term for the storylines and imagery accompanying events that are part of our culture. But let’s face it. How many Mother’s Days were ideal? Did you ever get to sleep in? When the kids made you breakfast, did you clean up the kitchen? Did you ever receive a crock pot when you’d have preferred a pedicure or massage? I know his little heart was in the right place, but once, one of my young sons brought a handmade card from school – – thanking me for cooking and cleaning! Although I have truly had some wonderful Mother’s Days, some haven’t been all that memorable. If you can identify, maybe it helps to scoff at the schemas, lower expectations, and admit that Mother’s Day has rarely lived up to the marketed version.
Plan ahead. If you’re dreading the holiday, take some time to really consider what’s bothering you and make some early decisions. Take control of the day. If the dreaded text will make you angry, turn off the phone (You can look at it later or the following day.) If you will be sad and don’t feel up to seeing others, reconsider your obligations. You could opt out of celebrations entirely, skip church, or do something out of the ordinary that starts a new tradition.
Make it about other mothers. The fastest way to get our minds off ourselves is to think about helping other people. One mom told me she volunteers at a local old folks’ home on Mother’s Day. Whom can you help? Is there a woman in your life who has been like a mother to you? What can you do to make her day (or even the week ahead) special? By giving to others, we help ourselves. In the book,Why Good Things Happen to Good People: How to Live a Longer, Healthier, Happier Life by the Simple Act of Giving
Plant something. Where I live, spring weather is in full swing by Mother’s Day. Consider finding something that will bloom year-to-year around this time. A bright splash of color that attracts butterflies can connect you to the cycle of living and the perpetual rotation of the seasons. Growing a plant that offers food provides rich reward. For my Master’s Degree in Human Behavior, I conducted research for my final project about gardening’s effects on health and happiness. Tending to plants connects us to something bigger than ourselves, relieves stress, and cultivates feelings of joy. Even if you’ve never gardened before, you can succeed. Radishes are easy to grow in a container, require little care, and can be harvested in around 30 days. Hint: try an unusual variety. French breakfast radishes are my personal favorite.
Dote on pets. That’s my baby in the picture. When I went out of town for a few days, someone very close to me pet-sat. She texted the photo-shopped pic, saying my doggie missed me so much that she got a Mom tattoo. If you have a cherished pet or two, hug them close. Pets really do bring us joy beyond measure, and offer unconditional love. Studies show that pets we love attenuate loneliness, improve our well-being, and our health.
Say what you need. For some, getting through Mother’s Day when an adult child is estranged requires speaking out. One mom said her husband always makes a big deal. He means well, believing he’s helping her on what he knows is a very sad day for her. But she’d prefer he didn’t say a thing. If this is you, let your needs be known. Tell your spouse and other family and friends what you do or don’t want. For some moms, it’s a day to stay in with regular television off. DVDs or Netflix bypass the reminders. You may have other wishes. Go ahead and state your needs. If you’re alone, do what you want. After all, it’s your day.
For more ideas for getting through Mother’s Day when an adult child is estranged, read this article from December, 2013, Holidays: How to manage them.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on my ideas. Also, what are your Mother’s Day plans? How about helping other moms looking for ways to get through the day. Please share your ideas. Leave your comments below. Let’s help and support each other.
Related articles:
Father’s Day when an adult child is estranged
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I am new here, and although I feel bad for others in my situation, at least I’m not alone. On facebook my son wished his live-in girlfriend a happy mother’s day. They have a baby together. He also indicated how great she was with his 3 other children from his ex. I have not had contact with him for 7 years. Two of his four children were 5 and 3 when I last was able to spend time with them. I got to know his girlfriend on facebook and she encouraged us getting together without success, but I am now able to send things to my grandchildren. His girlfriend says she will try to bring all the kids for a visit this summer. She wants to go to a zoo, but I am 77 and use a walker so we would have to do something else. Just so I get to see my grandchildren. My son has aspergers (high functioning autism) and said I treated him like a retard. I have thought about that and it isn’t true. I was proud of him and even helped him get a job as a teen. I got a divorce from his dad when he was a teen. We had joint custody. Maybe the divorce has something to do with it, but how can I know if he won’t even answer any of my letters. I still love him and I don’t dwell on our estrangement. I have my daughter, other grandkids, and friends. I trust God in his timing. Sue
I am new here and sadly, it does help to know I am not alone. Yesterday was Mother’s Day 2023. I stayed home and tried to not be disappointed. Only got silence. No texts, cards, or phone calls. I have 3 grown children who have decided I have no value to them. They think I was a bad mother, but when I ask for examples I get things like “you were late picking us up from school”. I am 74 and have been dealing with the estrangement since my divorce in 2012. It is heartbreaking and the pain never stops. Holidays only exacerbate it.
Hi Valerie
Also new and we are in a similar situation. I am 72 and estranged from my son and daughter since 2011. They didn’t even bother to check in during the pandemic which is heartless. I devoted my life to them and stayed in an abusive marriage to protect them. I feel depressed and all alone especially around holidays as I have no one to celebrate with. I think about this everyday because it makes absolutely no sense to me why they treat me this way. All I did was give them unconditional love. Their well-being has always been my top priority.
By the way Sheri, thank you for your wonderful article. I love doting on pets (we have 2 dogs). I dote on them anyway, but tomorrow I will do so even more. THEY are my children and love me more than my children apparently!!!!
It could be Moms with pets day instead of Mother’s day. I like it.
I also LOVE the idea of planting something! I still have some plants to put in pots that have been waiting for me. I have so many beautiful flowers this year that make me so happy. Need to finish the work outside so that could be the day tomorrow. Doting and planting!!!
Thanks again!
Lisa
All I can say is I’m glad I’m not alone in this misery!!!! Thank you all for posting so candidly here. It really does help me so much to feel a connection with other women who are having a problem with Mother’s day.
Our daughter has been estranged from me for a few years and has purposely refused to acknowledge my birthday AND mother’s day. So tomorrow she’ll continue that pattern most likely. And our son will probably manage sending a quick text.
My husband has a progressive illness so he’s not doing well, and here I’ve been trying to “orchestrate” a plan for a day that others should be doing for me. It doesn’t feel healthy to be the one to do all the work on a day that I should be honored.
i guess we can blame it on Hallmark and media in general for pushing this idea in our faces that we as mothers are all supposed to be honored and loved on this day that’s supposed to be about us.
I was resigned to NOT celebrating this tomorrow and instead just spend the day to myself, but then I get a call from a restaurant I had tried to book a reservation at yesterday or the day before and they tell me they have a table available. So now I’m confirming the reservation, but have mixed feelings still.
I’ve done the thing a few times where my husband and I were commemorating our mothers on mother’s day, but let’s get real here. Where am I in this process? Invisible?
It’s probably best to face the painful reality that I’m not being honored, my husband is too sick to go out, and ain’t nobody gonna cook for me either. No children are flocking to see me or even send me a lousy card in the mail.
Mothers should NOT have to have a day where they feel unacknowledged like this. It’s cruel frankly when raising kids has plenty of that in it already, am I right?!!!
And why do we have to have holidays year after year after year. Every day should be Mother’s day! Not just once a year, and if it doesn’t go right, then what, we have to wait a whole other year for a better one next time around?
Holidays are cruel.
Thank you on this Mother’s Day. You said what I feel. It is cruel, and the sad thing is that I think, maybe this year, which doesn’t happen. It’s a beautiful day outside and I don’t want to waist it. So I am grateful to God that I am a mother. And God knows that. I feel very alone.
Toni, do not feel alone! We are all here for you. Happy Mother’s Day! Estrangement is so cruel and illogical that we do not want to believe it’s happening to us. But it will get better. I am estranged from my daughter fo to years now and this Mother’s Day I went camping myself. Later on I will meet my to sons and their families who love me but after the estrangement I feel more independent and more conected to God and nature. The night before Mother’s Day I put up a posters about estrangement in local parks just to make a mother who is alone, abused or neglected feel better. I am so grateful for Sherri and all of you! Happy Mother’s Day to all!
I’m fifteen years in to a life without my only, my son. He is getting married in a little more than a month, to a lovely young woman. Prayer and faith get me through, praying for his peace gives me hope.
I too have 3 grown children. One of whom is in jail so I know not to expect a Mothers Day acknowledgment from her but the other two I didn’t expect to either. I got nothing from them as expected. My mom had a family reunion the day before MD and one of my adult children were there. She didn’t want much to do with me there either. I feel like she’s ashamed of me bc I don’t have money like my sister does and I don’t have a nice house. She only contacts me when she’s upset. I feel so alone. My son didn’t tell me either. I waited all the way up until midnight bc sometimes I’ll get that late text I guess out of guilt from one of them but it never came and just knowI’m praying for you.
I have not spoken to 1 my son’s for 12 years and never met my grandson. My other son stopped talking to me about a year ago, now I will never see my other grandson again. The hurt never goes away
Grateful to have found this site; this group that I really didn’t want or dream I would ever be a member of. My son no longer communicates with me, which keeps me away from him, my daughter-in-law and my two small grandsons. This year it has hit me really hard so I feel blessed to be here among people that know how i feel.Like you said AM, the hurt never goes away. Hugs to all of you!
AM,
I share some of your pain, I never received a picture of my adopted grandson who is now 8 yrs old. He lives out of state.
A picture or a call would make my heart glad!
I wonder if my grandson will ever wonder why his dad didn’t introduce me ?
I deal with anger that flares up unexpectedly.
I am doing my best in living 1 day at a time!
Best wishes for you on your journey. We may be discovering a new woman in ourselves . WOW. Hope that helps you. Blessings Penny M
My gosh Im so sorry your going through this .. Please know that you are not alone …. I thought for years that I was the only Mom out there whose kids stopped talking to them ….. This Sunday is Mothers day , i’m dreading it, but I will keep myself busy of coarse and put on a happy face when I come across people . I’ll pray for you too ….
I’m so sorry I can relate my son moved to Wisconsin when my grandson was a year old. I try to call them and send text msgs I often send things in mail which is very expensive but I never get a thank you or that they received it I don’t get called back . It really hurts I don’t know what I’ve done if anything I’m confused don’t know what to think been crying my eyes out all day!: They didn’t tell me they were expecting again I found out through my daughter-in-law’s sister who works here in town 6 months later. And then when they knew I found out they said that they were going to surprise me well how is that how are they going to surprise me when they don’t even live here I don’t get it I don’t understand any of it wish I did cuz then maybe I could try to fix it
My daughter did the same thing to me. She claimed she wanted to tell me in person. Her dad and his side of the family knew before I did and the fact that they’re all enabling drug addicted narcissists hurts me even more. I don’t understand why my adult children seem to hate me even now. I feel like I’ve paid enough. I believe they’re ashamed of me and my house isn’t good enough for them but that wouldn’t stop a hmd text. God bless all us lonely mothers out there. I wish you all the best.
My son is 46. During his adult life, I never received a card, a text, a phone call, or email from him on any holidays or special occasions. The only thing he did for me was helped moved me from San Diego to the San Francisco Bay Area begrudgingly and called my stuff junk. Didn’t even acknowledge the ftd flowers I sent to him on his birthday. Never imagine how my children could cause so much pain. I wasted my whole life loving them and now regret having children. I feel depressed around holidays because I have no one to celebrate them with. Still do because it was Mother’s Day yesterday
I am so happy to have found this site. So so sad to see how many mothers are experiencing the same pain. There is nowhere to hide from the grief of loss. I have tried everything to get through to my son, but the minute he walked back down the aisle his controlling insecure wife and pathologically narcissistic mother-in-law have sucked him away from me and his three brothers. I have finally come to grips with the fact that nothing I do will bring him back. I bought Sheri’s book in hard copy AND on Audible and will absorb every word like it’s my job. I won’t survive otherwise.
I had two children. One died and one has abandoned us completely. I have no other children and will never have grandchildren. I do not go on facebook the days before and the days after Mother’s Day. I am definitely done with the crying, but I am still always sad. We have just rewritten our wills to only giving our daughter a very small token portion. We have told her that the door is always open and she knows where we live, so we are leaving it at that. We are planning an extended car trip this year and have decided that we will leave on Mother’s Day. We will cover many miles and pack a picnic dinner to enjoy when we get to our hotel. I do not begrudge happy families, but I do not want to see or hear from them either.
It sounds like you at least still have your partner or husband. Two of my sons waited until their father died to tell me they only put up with me for his sake. Now he’s gone they want nothing more to do with me. We had no issues that I was aware of. I had given them everything.
My situation is very similar to yours. I worry about the future.
Dear Ruthanne,
I understand how awful estrangement because I experience the same. It is so difficult and painful to listen to my cousins go on and on about their children and grandchildren. Sometimes I walk away and I never ask questions about their family. I tell myself to be happy everyday. Sometimes it helps especially when I have so much to be grateful for like my health and a wonderful husband. Take good care of yourself and be especially kind to yourself because you did nothing wrong. It’s our Society today. No morals.. Good luck to you.
I have two living adult children who have been estranged from me completely since 2011. It is more painful for not having children.
Susan S., I hear your pain. Your wound is raw. I hope you can learn to move on. It’s hard, but it feels better. Take care of you and do what gives you joy. Accept that what gives you joy will (may) no longer include your estranged child(ren). I feel so envious of other families that have such fun with big, happy gatherings. That just will never happen at my house ever again. I am starting to feel OK with it.
We need to advocate for our own holiday … National Forgotten Mother’s Day and pick a carnation color for our plight. Ladies, be strong & resilient…we did our best to raise them, but we cannot control their outcomes or personalities. Relationships require mutual cooperation and effort on both sides (parental & offspring). After they turn 18, they are accountable for their behavior and consequences of their choices.
Let us hope that one day they recognize the value of their heritage, upbringing, lessons we taught them and the absolute value and sanctimony of family relationships.
May each of you women join me in recognizing our worth and pay credence to yourselves today…our parental duties have been paid. Let us move forward for ourselves and embrace this day with courage, steed and self-respect.
Blessings for each and every one of you…..
Thank you for the encourging words, I realize its long past Mother’s Day and unlike last year I did not hear from my son, although I hoped to. I agree their should be a holiday for estranged mother’s and father’s too. blessings, T
I love that. NATIONAL FORGOTTEN MOTHERS DAY!
I am thankful for all of you my pain is still pretty raw! Our ES after 13 years of being gone reached out a year ago we had a wonderful year of memories and last week he said he was stepping away we are Too Much! All ways of communication gone again. My anger is extreme because he met nieces and nephews he didn’t know 13 years ago our grandbabes so now the pain of rejection not only is felt by us and his siblings butt also grandbabes.
Mother’s Day will be hard especially because I had all my children last year but we our family strength will get us through. My children feed off of how I handle this trauma and it’s trauma but if they see their dad and I pushing through they will as well.
Bless you all I am forever happy I found this group!
A wonderful idea! 🙂
Thank you. Your response is very helpful to me. I guess I have been shouldering some guilt, even though I lived for my kids and always did my best.
I did my part, now it’s up to them.
Thank you for all your words❤️
Well said
Thank you
We must find joy and peace in other areas of our lives
I love this: <>
How about a protest to go along with that holiday??!!! We’ll all be standing around with signs and chanting “Hell no we won’t go, we won’t go, we won’t go. Hell no, we won’t go, we won’t go, quietly into the night”
followed by:
“Mothers deserve better. Mothers deserve better. Mothers deserve better!!!”‘
and a variation to that
“Respect, love, and honor us!! Mothers deserve better! Respect, love, and honor us!! Mothers deserve better!Respect, love, and honor us!! Mothers deserve better!Respect, love, and honor us!! Mothers deserve better!!!”
Now…. where shall we hold our first rally? 🙂
AnnPayrice,
I find this to be very uplifting. Thank you.
Hi Mothers, I just want to say ,We did our job to the best of our ability, I was a dotting mom,probably, like the rest of us on this website or we would not be writing our hearts out . Yes, it’s very hard to accept betrayal from the beautiful gift we gave life to,but I believe God said enough Mothers,no more verbal abuse, or waiting to e penciled in for a visit from your children and grandchildren. I think He wants better for us , its hard but, anything worthwhile is hard to achieve, so go on living life as best and beautiful as we can. Have a Blessed Mother’s Day!
Thank you Nancy. I searched through tears tonight to find solace from a terrible day. I raised two Aerospace Engineers making each even in their lives along w/my husband the most memorable experiences. I gave to community and overdo everything to bring happiness. I was faced with being an afterthought and a true struggle to everyone (along w/my only daughter being 1/2 estranged) saying there was no place to go bc they didn’t make plans. No cards, no visit, no kind words of “I love you”. I am so broken and can’t stop crying since yesterday. I’m dreadfully hurt and can’t seem to stop. What did I do wrong that all those other moms get in respect and admiration. God Bless.
I think we unwittingly raised an entire generation of narcissists.
I think you’re onto something! It’s called the Millennial generation isn’t it?!
Hi from Victoria Australia.
This is a very heartening site.
I struggle through all occasions and illnesses hoping for a call that never comes.
You have all brought light into my heart.
Thank you
I’ve gone through a lot of soul searching into understanding “codepedance” and reading a ton of books as well as webinars. I wrote my son an email after having a bit of a revelation concerning things that I went through while he was little…and wanting to seek forgiveness and be accountable. After a year of being estranged…since the pandemic started…I thought that me being totally open and owning up to every second of what he may have perceived as hurtful…we could reconnect. It was just another fantasy..because he said I was trying to “justify” my actions and I was “talking about myself”. Which I did because I don’t know how I could share a revelation without talking about myself. The last part of the email…I talked about HIM…and tryed to offer a heartfelt apology. I realize what he is only looking for reasons to not have a relationship with me…it has nothing to do with forgiveness. I just don’t know what happened to my little boy with the big heart. He has been poisoned by his dad….but I can never talk about that..it will only make me look like a victim. His dad always resented our relationship…I used to be so close to my son…it’s like his dad has “won”..not that I ever wanted a contest. He has also turned my daughters against me…and although I see my daughters kids regularly…to “babysit”…they have not made any plans for Mothers’ Day..not that I’m surprised! I’m not a very social person..although I have a few close friends. The truth is..I just want to be a family..I just want to be with my kids..having family dinners and laughing the way we used to. My life is nothing like I thought it would be. But…I love my job…am very healthy (knock, knock)..and I’m grateful for the time I spend with my grandbabies!
Jeanne, I am the same.. shocked at how my life is nothing like I thought it would be. I can’t help but think that some day my child(ren) will regret not having me in their lives. But.. I am trying to move on and be happy despite my huge hurt and disappointment.
I have experienced very much the same as what you described. Must not use the word “I“! I have come to realize that I am powerless in this situation because it is my daughter’s choice. She holds all the power. So I have surrendered, once again, the notion that there is some thing I could do or say that would change things. I have only to wait and hope. And let go.
Jeanne, Your story to some extent parallels mine. Like you I was a fulltime devoted Mom to our 3 kids. Last fall when I visited my son and grandson and my daughter–they live a half a continent away in the “woke” part of the country. . . my son decided to attack me for everything I ever did wrong. He wanted me to apologize for every thing I did wrong as a mother. I said, “I’m sorry I had no intentions of hurting you– I only wanted the best for you.” Then that wasn’t good enough and I had to then take “responsibility” for my actions. I told him this was all psycho babble to me and when a person says they’re sorry for causing hurt feelings and harm they are sorry and are taking responsibility. Some of the phrases you used in your story echoed my experience.
Good for you (and me) for trying. . . but I think some among our younger generation are just selfish pansies who want to place blame on someone– Mom being the easiest target –for all their inadequacies.
I, too, can’t believe this is my life, but I, too, am thankful for a fullfilling job, my dear boyfriend who loves and supports me and enjoys the things we do together, and for other supportive family and friends.
We have to make a point of building a fulfilling life without them while leaving the door open to them if they choose to come back. My boyfriend says, “some people just disappoint.” An understatement when it’s our own kids that we spent decades devoted to their upbringing.
Jeanne, Alice, and all the good Moms here,
What I meant to say is that you can try your best at reconciliation, at saying you’re sorry for whatever hurt they feel, but sometimes it just isn’t enough. Psychologists will say that it is good to use, “i” instead of
“you”. But then as your son did Jeanne, they will come back to you and say, “it’s all about you” –you can’t win.
I so wish we could all meet in person. I’d love to host a whole big get together for all of us.
Another thing I wanted to say, it’s very hard for people who have not experienced this to even imagine it. I know I couldn’t have imagined it before it happened to me. That’s why we need a website like this –thank you Sheri!
Betsy
Hi, my daughter wants no part of me, she is a spoiled brat as well. She has two beautiful little girls,we know the older granddaughter,until she was two,she is now four years old,and the new baby will be two we don’t know the new granddaughter. I sent cards ,gifts and she put the dresses on the children last mother’s day, my friends sent me a picture of them visiting their other grandmother,what a slap in the face it was and painful too. I came to the conclusion I will not hurt myself anymore, no more gifts cards or phone calls, I gave up. Why torture myself, l pray that everyone is healthy and happy, we have to go on and sometimes without people we love. I don’t know why this happens to good moms ,but trust in God for he knows, maybe we have had enough disrespect from our children.
I totally agree! My 2 son’s (30’s) have canceled me & their father. When they both got married, within a year of each other, our relationship when down the tubes! Everything was about the ” wifes” family! Facebook posts only showed their wife’s side..never ours. Between the 2 boys, we have 5 grandchildren that they NEVER allow us to see ( I dont even know their names!!!!). They don’t know if we are dead or alive!!! I think all of them have narcissistic traits! How can all of them be SO cruel???? I don’t participate in social media because it was too heart wrenching to see photos of “the other grandparents”… with our grandchildren!!! I’ve asked the Lord WHY do we have to endure this heartache?? One day, He will reveal what we don’t understand.
It is not just you. I have read all of Tina Gilbertson’s books and 3 years of meticulously following the rules and boundaries of my brilliant adult children….gained me nothing. I have been a very good mom and made a lot of mistakes that I have tried to make right. My children both Aero Engineers and completely unable to be compassionate and respectful. I have to stop. We are not suppose to give up, but I can’t go to bed praying and crying every night of my life. I too just want my family back and unfortunately when others become involved in their lives it may be impossible and the values we have raised them with dismissed. God bless all of you that have these feelings, I would do anything to make it go aways for all of us moms.
Susan,
Time to turn the page, it sounds. Move forward for yourself now. I hope you can be Done With The Crying and take kind care of yourself now.
Hugs,
Sheri McGregor
Jill M.
My son announced two weeks ago that he has blocked me for violating his boundaries. The problem with millennials is that they go to millennial therapists who encourage them to end their toxic relationships. iOS all family of choice and yes psychobabble to the max. And will all their healthy boundaries they are the most screwed up generation yet. They will understand one day because Karma is a you know what! I am going to cut him off from a huge inheritance he was likely going to receive from his grandparents. I am not going to suffer the drama and fake love this generation dispenses to get what they want. Funny thing is he has a gf who is blatantly using him but he refuses to see it. Well I guess he will learn the hard way!
My daughter has been estranged since 2019! Mother’s Day is difficult so this year I decided to deactivate my FB account and work on a new front yard lawn! I dread going into stores and seeing all the Mother’s Day gifts and cards. On a good note my son and daughter-in-law had their first child and my husband and I are excited to be Grandparents for the first time. I just wish we lived closer so I could spend more time with the three of them. In the mean time I’ll spend time with my husband and dog. Some days just seem so lonely!
For years whenever my son or his wife would need me to stay with the kids when they couldn’t miss work, I’d drive 2 hours to be there and stay as long as they needed me. Every month I’d spend an overnight with them to see them and my granddaughters. In 10 years, they came to my house to see me, twice. They have no problem driving 2 hours to see my Ex and spend the weekend at his waterfront home with the woman who busted my marriage up 24 years ago. I don’t hate my EX but that woman he took up with is toxic. (He’s her third husband)
The final straw in being the secondary parent/grandparent came 2 years ago when my granddaughters were in my city for a Ringette tournament weekend. Despite offering to take him and his family to lunch/brunch whatever, I was passed over and they got together with my Ex and Toxic. Seeing my granddaughter come from the dressing room after the game and run into Toxic’s arms (bypassing me) tore my heart out.
I FINALLY made a point of speaking to my son and his wife about the situation, setting some boundaries — like next time you want to see me, you have to come to MY house. And if there are any other family events where Toxic is there, don’t include me. I turned 65 and I’ve had enough exposure to that woman. The end result of THAT conversation was that I was informed they needed ‘a break from me.’ I have always been supportive of them but setting my limits was something they couldn’t respect. So it has been almost two years since I’ve spoken to my son or seen my granddaughters (now 11 and 8).
Meanwhile, my son’s wife (sorry, I can’t call her a daughter-in-law as she’s the most bigoted, lazy, selfish person, I’ve ever met. I held my tongue about her for YEARS, while watching her sit on her ass while my son cooked, cleaned, gardened, bathed and cared for the girls, doing 99% of the work involved with keeping a house running.) HER family practically lives at their place.
I’m venting and I probably sound awful. My EX and my daughter share the same feelings about my son’s wife, so it isn’t just me. My daughter has also been estranged from my son for this period b/c of the way he’s treated me, so unfairly. It’s only recently that she reached out to him and they’ve tried to patch things up, which makes me feel happy. Someday, the Ex and I will be gone and they’ll maybe need each other.
I read No More tears and it’s helped. It also helps knowing I’m not alone in being estranged from my child. I could NEVER treat my parents the way I’m being treated. The really sad part is that I’m not even sure he’d come to my funeral or feel remorse at all when I die. People who know me and also know my son, are in total shock at his behavior.
Most days I try to focus on living my life and enjoying my daughter and her husband and my husband. But sometimes grief will sucker punch you, especially near holidays like Mother’s day.
I have four children. Three sons and a daughter. The oldest son has decided he no longer wants to speak to us (he is also married). He has bitterness to a younger brother and it has extended to us. Sadly, what caused it was just asking if we could drive my 89-year-old MIL by his house he and his wife were buying because she was proud of him. She couldn’t get out of the car, she just wanted to see it from the road. We were told we weren’t going to be given his new address because his younger brother may find it and “come do something”… sad. His younger brother would never do anything to him. It is a long, sad story of bitterness and unforgiveness, jealousy and envy. So here we are, almost a year later, and somehow, my husband and I have been turned into “evil” people. It hurts beyond anything I have ever been through. We love all our children. It is hard to believe one would treat us this way. The heartbreak is unbearable at times. It is sad, when they have children, we are thinking we will never be able to even see them. My mind can’t even go there yet. I go days and seem OK then it hits all at once. Will the crying ever end? What happened? My mind is spinning and I just cannot figure out what happened. Was it really because we asked to see their new home? Please pray for us.
With Mother’s Day approaching, I was researching some coping strategies since I am also estranged from my son. All of this is very new to me so I’m feeling a bit raw emotionally. All of your stories have helped me realize I am not alone in this. At the same time, I am deeply saddened by them. No one truly understands until they’ve been in this position. Loosing communication with a child is heartbreaking but the disconnect between grandchildren is hard to fathom. They have done nothing wrong and are innocent bystanders in adult situations and circumstances. Im trying hard to understand.
It’s almost 2 years since I have seen my two granddaughters. A few times during this time they have Google messaged with me, but since they don’t use social media regularly I have to wait until they initiate anything. It’s been very painful and I wonder sometimes what they think. That I don’t care for them anymore? The pandemic has helped in some ways as they are in another city and with lock-downs, it’s understandable. With Mother’s Day coming up, it’s been a hard few days.
But my granddaughters are innocent and both they and me, miss out on our relationship.
It’s hard when you finally realize that the son who was so important in my life doesn’t feel I’m important in his.
My husband & I are going through the same thing..x2 !!! We have 2 sons..in their 30s. They got married to what appears to be VERY jealous controling women. We got sucker punched TWICE!!! It’s hard for people to believe!!! They ask ” what did we do to them”???? We have 5 grandchildren and don’t even know them! My son’s & their wives have narcisistic traits! How can you just write off your parents that worked their butts off to provide and love only to get THIS treatment???? It’s SATANIC!!!,for sure!!! Satan is in the business to DESTROY families!!!, hes done a great job with ours!
I have 2 daughters. My oldest moved 800 plus miles away with a guy who has had problems with drugs and has served time. She started her own business. She is angry with me because her only child, a teenager was afraid of this guy and his mom was leaving him alone and going to GA where he was before she moved there. My grandson asked me to get him away from him, that this guy was dangerous. I tried to talk to her to get her to talk to her son that he didn’t want to go to GA with them but no she would not talk to him. After talking to the other grandparents, they talked to an attorney and we went to court to try to stop my grandson from going with them. The judge talked at length privately with my grandson and after several trips to court, my daughter dropped the custody issue and moved on to GA. Result – our relationship is not good. We were very close before all this happened. Having to choose between my grandson and her plans hurt. I could not refuse helping my grandson. I don’t regret that. What hurts is the indifference she shows. I reach out to her but most of the time there’s no reply. If there’s a reply it’s just one or two words. I see and talk to my grandson all the time. I love his mom but I don’t think I’ll ever have another normal conversation with my daughter so I’ve given it to God. I’ve thought about my will and whether to make changes. Hoping she comes around. Heart is broken. I will always love her. My youngest lives about 4 hours away. She is in an abusive situation and is a battered person. She’s in denial. My hands are tied until she figures out what she’s in is not normal. She has 2 kids and another on the way. We are raising her 4th child and have had her for ten years. I’ve also given this to God. I’ve cried buckets. I have learned that I can’t fix any of this. I pray all the time.
I am so grateful to be able to read other mum’s stories.. my son won’t say either what I have done.. it all came out of the blue although we have had other episodes of silence this time I feel it is all directed at me. We’ve just had our Mother’s Day here and the silence is deafening but my daughters have been wonderful but I feel the miss of my first born.
God Bless you all my MIL has nothing to do with my children. I have beautiful twin girls and her only grandson. Blames everything on me she will talk to my husband but that’s it. Does everything with her two daughters kids and great grandkids.
Hi Jeannette,
I understand. It’s a sad blow when it feels like it came out of the blue. It probably didn’t but we may never know what accumulated in their minds that led to separation. For me, I’ve decided to accept that it is their lives to do with what they wish and however they wish to do it. It is for me to also accept myself, be the best I know how to be, the best I can learn to be. And to live my life with self care.
If you are reading this in 2022, I wish you a sunny day andi I wish you happiness.
I read your story and can so say, I know how it feels. I have been in this dance with my oldest son and his wife for over 20 years. I have try to buy, cry, plead, ignore, speak up, be quiet, for all this time. I have come to realize that my son just doesn’t care for me as a person, from using the grandchildren to hurt me, to making me cry in public. I was told, with a threat of calling the police, when my grandson was born 18 years ago, he was over a year old before I met him. From that to not being introduced at his oldest son wedding 2 yrs. ago, no pictures of any of his family was taken with the wedding couple. I have tried to keep a relationship with his kids, now 18, 21, and 29, sadly only the 29 will keep in touch. I have tried to understand, to get angry, to forgive, but now I just go on. I am now 69 years old, have other grandkids thru marriage, that make me laugh, play, and love, but I still miss my biological ones. I have two grown sons, one is 49, one is 48, and only the oldest have kids. My 48 yr. old, is not married, doesn’t have kids, but treats me with love and respect. I am trying to show him how to love his brother, even when he acts cruel to me, the oldest also treats his father harshly. I’m sorry for dumping, but reading your story hit so many points of pain, that I just needed to react. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and for letting me release some pain and tears this morning, I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this painful, but enlighten journey.
Oh my what a sad story to read. Twenty years is such a long time. I have not seen my three granddaughters for thirteen months. One is a three year old and the twins are two. But no matter how young or old your grandchildren are when you do not see them it is horrible. I would of never thought of doing something like that when I was young to my parents. My mom is 83 she is my sons grandmother who is old and now sick with health issues and also has not seen the three girls and by now they do not even know us not really. We have done nothing wrong and my son would of not done this but he to is married to someone who hates yes hates our family. So none of us see the girls. I text and talk to my son once in awhile but still no pictures or seeing the girls. I have to suffered emotionally because of this and so has my mom. I miss them the girls and use to be able to be there at the drop of a hat and now I am nothing to them. My son loves me but not enough to say to his wife that his family also are a part of the girls life. And I am not sure if he ever would. So right now any kind of communication I can have with my son I Accept. I miss him and only have one child and that is him. I want more from him but I do not want to push him . But he must know how sad I am not seeing his girls. But his wife is the one who makes the rules especially concerning the children not my son. I don’t understand how can a mom be so cruel just because she does not like my family. Her daughters are my son’s girls to and legally my granddaughters. Why can’t they see this??? My mom is sick right now so that is my priority right now and I feel well if I have not seen them all this time I probaly will not. So sad because I have there pictures from before all over my house. I have had to get friend to get pictures for me because my son and his wife would never give me pictures. I never raised my son to be like this. Really. That is what hurts me the most. So anytime my son and me text or talk I am thankful. I cannot ask him for anything else becausevI do not want to push him. He needs to make his choices to do things. Sometimes I must lie if someone asks me about seeing my grandaughters. I should not lie but sometimes you have no choice. Hope you will be ok and prayers go out to you
I can choose the pain of estrangement or the love of God which encompasses all of us.
Each day I choose anew.
Thank you. Yes even if our first choice is gone, we still have choices❤️
After searching for some emotional help for the off and on again situation with my estranged 41 year old daughter, I was overjoyed to find this website where I can communicate with someone who has experienced the same type of situation. I’m most interested in reading the comments from other moms and what they’re going thru. I can relate to many of them. As I sit here at my little cubbyhole of an office, I’ve decided to create a “healing space” for myself. When I see encouraging comments that particularly strike a nerve, I print them out and tack them to the wall. At 71 years of age, It is now my intention to pull myself out of the gutter of self-pity and stand tall knowing that I am not the wicked witch of the west as my daughter has led everyone to believe. Did I do everything right when I was rearing my children, of course not. Does any mother make the correct decisions 100% of the time. Of course not. Does my daughter acknowledge the many, many good things I did for her when she was growing up? No! She only remembers the incidents where she thinks I “did her wrong”. I’ve encouraged conversations with her to try to solve some issues. She’s decided she won’t discuss unless we go to a therapist. I’ve apologized to her for the things I know she’s upset about and anything else she might hold against me. She doesn’t want to hear it. I’ve asked for forgiveness. She’s not interested. I’ve told her let’s draw a line in the dirt, she can step over it and we can move forward together. No way! Let’s face it, my time is running out and she doesn’t care. For years she has suggested we go to counseling and I have avoided it. December last year, 2019, I finally agreed to go to counseling with her and told her to set it up. She lives a 3-hour drive from me. I also told her I wanted a list of whatever issues she felt needed to be discussed so I could be prepared to defend myself. I never got the list and here it is May 2020 and she’s never even mentioned counseling again. I feel like I’m going before a jury and I have to be prepared to present my case…or I’ll be executed. Wow! That’s pretty sad. She and her husband have two of the most adorable children, ages 2 and 4, and I am madly in love with them, ,and they with me and my husband. But my daughter makes no attempt to keep her children in touch with us even though it would be quite simple to facetime with us, or have the 4 year old scribble a picture and mail to us, etc. I buy clothes and send to the kids but she and her husband don’t open the packages and don’t put the clothes on the kids. If I ask what about the clothes, she comments that they didn’t like the shirt or something else I sent. The last excuse I got was that she hadn’t washed the clothes I sent yet (April) and since they could be contaminated from the COVID, she couldn’t put them on the kids. If I send cards to the kids, she doesn’t open them. I now realize that I can’t spend anymore money buying things for the kids and that breaks my heart. I’m trying to convince myself that I may not get to see my grandkids anymore. I just want to cry.
Your story sound exactly like mine, as i was reading, and i thought someone was writing about me. i have this off and on relationship with my daughter (she’s an only child) I have two adult grandchildren in college, but she have taught them so much negative crap about me they get mad and stop speaking every time she does. I wish I could talk my daughter into seeing a therapist. I wish I knew what I did, but she refuse to tell
me. My family tell me I did’nt do anything “she’s a spoil brat. I gave her everything and gave my grandchildren just as much. good luck to you. I hope we find answers soon. I’m sick of this
I still have Christmas gifts in the back of my car for my granddaughters, 3 and 6. I’ve tried everything! My son has bipolar! I’m tired of crying and sleeping. My family is tired of seeing me cry, get over it they say to me!