Emotional well-being series.
Innocent Guilt: normal after conflict
by Sheri McGregor
One mother rejected by an adult child recently wrote that she felt “guilty.” She also said she had wondered what she did wrong but couldn’t identify much. So, was her “guilt” valid? Let’s take a look at guilt, a common feeling associated with the loss of an important relationship – – and when there’s conflict.
Guilt when rejected by an adult child: Should I have…?
Many of us are familiar with the guilt that can accompany the loss of someone we love in death. It’s common to wonder if we spent enough time, wish we’d have said how important they were to us, or even feel responsible in some way. When rejected by an adult child, we feel a similar loss, with many of the same questions.
Did I spend enough time with my son? Did I give my daughter too much freedom? Did I show him enough affection? Provide her enough structure? Cook the right foods? Tell him I loved him enough? For moms whose children have rejected them, the list of questions can go on and on.
Rejected by an adult child and left to puzzle
In interviewing mothers rejected by an adult child, it has become clear that very often there is no open conflict over a tangible act, omission or offense. Many mothers rejected by an adult child tell me they don’t get it. They did their best. They nurtured their child’s interests, cared for their physical needs, read the bedtime stories, sponsored the sports teams and memberships, helped them learn to drive, apply for a first job. . . .
These parents of estranged adults thought all was well. Everything seemed fine, and then one day, something changed. They received a note or phone call requesting no further contact, or were given a cursory explanation such as, “I need my space.” And then silence.
Some mothers say they first noticed a sort of cooling off. But busy caring for younger children and/or working full-time, they didn’t immediately react. After all, their adult children had lives of their own, and were often busy with their own work and even with their own growing families.
In some cases, the cutting off itself is what leads to conflict. When moms question what’s wrong, the adult child lashes out with accusations, or says things like, “You were never there for me!” When pressed for specifics, the adult child refuses to talk, strings together curse words, or simply walks away.
Situations are unique, but often parents are left to puzzle. Despite repeated attempts, there’s no explanation given. Without a chance to hash things out, there’s no chance to make amends if necessary, and move forward with a clear understanding what went wrong for a better future relationship.
In trying to no avail, parents get tired. We look back on our parenting, many times with other adult children who tell us we did fine, and conclude the problem doesn’t lie with us.
Why guilt?
Most parents rejected by an adult child initially react with a feeling of guilt because we’re so floored at our adult child’s cold behavior that we believe we must have done something wrong. Then, even when we critically self-examine and see that we did our best, other people accuse or dismiss us.
An uncle raises his brow. “What happened to make her so mad at you?” The questions carries judgment.
A co-worker avoids eye contact. “I can’t imagine that happening,” she says. The statement seems to carry accusatory conclusions.
A friend says, “It’s just a phase.” His words show that he lacks an understanding about the tenacity of the problem.
We can feel all alone. We may continue to question our parenting skills. And a vague sense of undefined guilt may edge our thoughts.
Unresolved conflict and guilt
Part of the problem may be the conflict we don’t understand. Left without solid answers, the conflict is unresolved.
A recent article in the peer-reviewed Journal of Applied Philosophy examines the concept of “innocent guilt,” which occurs after conflicts. This guilt without cause is experienced by people who are not responsible for wrongdoing. The article explores philosophers’ writings that connect feelings of guilt to people who aren’t guilty. When they’re still suffering, victims of wrongdoing experience guilt as part of the aftermath of the conflict. Ethical persons suffer “innocent guilt.”
Parents of estranged adults know all too well the ongoing nature of their suffering. The grief, sadness, anger and other emotions common to the situation can persist. Part of what we experience as “guilt,” may be an ethical response, a completely natural emotional reaction to the conflict itself.
Our values and the outcome
Another reason why a sense of guilt may be common to parents rejected by an adult child is because, for many of us, a twinge of guilt serves as a reminder of our core values. Many say that twinge spurs them to do the right thing in any number of situations.
Loving parents, like the mom who said she felt “guilty,” have values that made them conscientious parents who did the right things. But if they did the right things, then what went wrong? It’s a paradox.
One mom spoke with a sense of pride when she recounted the way she raised her children (now estranged). The outcome dismays her. “You don’t expect to fail at motherhood.”
Relieving the suffering
The Journal of Applied Philosophy article highlights a need to work at relieving suffering that’s related to innocent guilt. For me, helping others via life coaching, creating this website, hearing other moms’ stories, and writing about the subject to help other parents rejected by an adult child has been a big part of my own healing process.
In a future article, we’ll explore more about feelings of guilt that aren’t justified, and ways to overcome those feelings. For now, know that by seeking information, you’ve taken a positive step. Youre moving toward recovery from loss, and moving past the pain of this isolating experience. You don’t have to endure this all by yourself. Leave a comment below – – I’d like to hear from you.Or reach out by taking the survey to help parents of estranged adults. You can also share your story, or join the community forum. Be sure to sign up for the email updates so you’ll never miss an article (scroll up to find the sign up form, at the top of the right-hand column).
An abstract of the article about innocent guilt can be found here.
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I’m stuckbin the anger phase right now. Mother to 5 children I raised ages 42 to 27 years old. I”m a empty nester and I was very close to all my children.
Six years ago my Mother became very ill, m6 husband is a truck driver and I was lucky when he went on long hauls I could go with him. At that time we lived in Arizona, so when he would get a job that took him through XX, I would go, to see my Mom. Her kudneys were fail8ng and she started dialysis. We kept being told she would improve but she kept getting worse, i knew something else was going on. Plus she shared some things with me that concerned me about her boyfriend, who couldn’t be bothered to take her to a doctors appointment or make sure she had high protein foods to sustein her body. It was decided I would move in and be her caregiver. That was a full time job. The boyfriend moved out. Turned out she had cancer that had spread through her body multiple myaloma. She would go through dialysis, chemo therapy and radiation treatments. During this time my Mother and I became very close. We talked about everything and discovered alot about each other. When she passed it was very difficult for me ecause she was tired and just stopped all treatments, wanted to be at home and die.
My oldest daughter, C, then 37 years old thought she should have been involved with all the decision making regarding my Mom. She would be sarcastic, making demeaning or belittling comments behind my back. I confronted her asking if there was something we needed to talk about? Was she upset or mad at me, she said no. The day of my Mothers Celabration of Life, i left to take my second cousin home, she and my Mother were first cousins but really more like sisters. While I was gone my oldest took it apon herself to go through my Mothers her Grandmothers things and claim or take items, she bought my Mom. Then left to stay at a friends house. She was the only child out of the five who didn’t stay at my Moms house. When I got back, my brother was furious with C. for going through Grams things, took things after he asked her “What are you doing?” You need to stop and she didn’t. I called her immediately and I probably should have waited because I was angry, I told her that she crossed a line, she had no right to go through Grams things and or take things that she thought were hers, Grams left everything to my brother, my sister, and myself. The three of us would determine who got what, make a list of what she wanted. But she needed to bring back whatever she took. I told her I was vrry disappointed in her, she was the first born grandchild, none of the other grandkids were behaving like this, she was setting a bad example. Plus I heard from several of the relatives from Moms Celabration of Life that C. was very riude to them, they would approach her and try to talk with her. C. told me herself that these people knew her but she didn’t remember these people and didn’t want to talk with them or hear their stories either. I told her these people are your family, and out of respect for your Grandmother and myself she should have talked with them or listened because she might of found something out about her Grandmother she never knew, its part of the grieving process. Again her behavior was unexpected, disrespectful and not accepted by me, as the oldest grandchild.
She cut me out of her life, never spoke to me again, blocked my number and email address, took me off of facebook. Made all her friends that I was friends with do the same thing. Told her siblings they were not to talk about her to me and if she found out, they would be cut off too.
I tried to make amends, no response, the first two years I sent Birthday and Christmas presents. Now I don’t. Her siblings know why shes angry bu5 won’t tell me. They are upset with her for treating me this way but refuse to tell her this, I don’t understand this because this has affected family functions were either shes not their or I’m not. More and more Im the one being excluded. It hurts so bad.
Then 2 months ago my middle daughter J. sends me an email to my work address, telling me she’s been to counseling and its been determined that I’m a trigger for her anxiety attacks, I was using her as a therapist for my issues with my oldest child and because she is pregnant wants a stress free pregnancy and her therapist has diagnosed me as being a narcissist, she taking a break from me, she will determine when we can have a relationship with her again. Wait what? I didn’t know we had a problem? We had talked about this she knew how much it hurt me, with what C. was doing to me, she promised me no matter what if she had a problem with me, something I did or said that she would always tell me, even if it would hurt my feelings, we vowed to be honest with one another. Plus how does a therapist who has never spoken to me, diagnose me and state I’m a Narcissist? J. told me I need to seek help from a professional. I responded to her after a couple of days, i tried calling no response, texting no response. I emailed her back and said thank you for finally being honest but we vowed to talk to one another whenever anyone was upset about something. I apologised for using her as me therapist, that was not my intention and why didn’t she tell me this? How can we fix this if we are not communicating? She responded with I have no respect for her or her wishes and obviously I dont care about her. I responded back with don’t talk to me like I’m garbage, I’m your Mother and she would never allow her child to talk to her this way, ever. I said I would leave her alone. She cut me off of facebook and instagram. This is her first child and Im not included inanything for her or the baby. My heart is broken, I’m so angry. I am a good parent and I was always there for anyone of my kids. This is tearing me apart.
I want to thank all the mothers here on this page, because you helped me!
I did not know there are so many of us experiencing the pain of abandonment.
Thank you now I can at least sleep better!
Eva, it’s happens more than you know. If you let it, it will drive you crazy. Don’t let it. Your life is worth more than that.
I have two boys in their 40s. One struggles with addiction and I had to cut him off last summer because he became threatening when he was drunk. I have tried everything to help him, but to no avail. With my other son who has my 4 grandchildren started treating me as if I was a nuisance to him. He met and married this girl in her 20s and I started noticing a shift in our relationship about two years ago. I tried to get along with his wife, but she just doesn’t seem to like me. They also became anti-vaccine people and I tried out of concern for their health and ours to get vaccinated. I couldn’t seem to get through to them and I finally let it go knowing it was going to make things awkward to get together, as I have a husband who has severe health issues. I was surprised when my son told me one day that I was a stupid, disgusting, immoral person. I was very hurt by this. He has never attacked me in the past. I told him that I think we should go our separate ways. He did apologies to me a few weeks later but because of all the hurt, and feeling of rejection over the past two years, I thought it best to stay away from each other. I feel he would be happier if I am not around and I certainly don’t want to be the cause of his relationship with his wife to end. It has been very painful. I felt like the life had been sucked out of me and I didn’t want to live anymore. I am getting better, but have a ways to go.
The last day I saw my daughter was June 8,2021. She screamed at me and exited a moving Uber. I ran after her unsuccessfully and spent hours wandering around San Francisco until I finally got a text about 4 hours later saying she was having dinner with her boyfriend. The next day, I felt so cold as I boarded a plane back home. I’ve spent the rest of 2021 in an agitated state because she blocked me and changed her number. When my Uncle died in December, she would only take the information from members of the family who were “still in her life”. i was repeatedly called narcissistic and other horrible things. It has been going on, on and off, for most of the last decade. I’m done. I made no attempt to contect her over the holidays. With the New Year, I am trying to change my focus. This is my only child and she’s 25.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Our only living child, 25 years old, disconnected from us at the end of August. We don’t know why. It’s devastating but I recognize that I can’t do anything about it.
I’m up and down with my feelings about it.
Once my daughter reached adulthood she changed. She was very disrespectful towards me. I was always wrong no matter what I said or did. Her father and I were there for everything. Probably spoiled her. If she wanted something she got it. Then she moved to another state and got married. She would never say the things she says to me to her father. My husband and I were there for all the births of her 3 children. We treated all our Kids and grandkids on skiing trips, Disney trips. But she still would talk to me disrespectfully. My husband got sick, and passed away. She hardly ever called to see how I was doing. Again, I continued taking my whole family on trips to the mountains, to New York City. She still spoke to me like I was poop on her shoe. There was an incident where my two daughters and I went to lunch….she started in on me with What is wrong with you, why don’t you like this person. I asked her to stop, that this is not the time for that, but she continued and was loud about it. I was so mortified at her attack that I got up and left the restaurant. I vowed that was it….I would no longer be treated with such disrespect. She didn’t care that she was embarrassing me and wouldn’t stop. I realized I kept trying to buy her love…I didn’t have my husband, who was my emotional support, to lean on and cry on anymore. I have gone over and over in my mind trying to figure out why she treats me this way. Did I not bake enough, did I not love enough, we went to everything, was a brownie leader, always took them on trips. I worked, but always made time for the kids and their activities…..I was stumped. I have now been diagnosed with stage 5 kidney disease. My other two children, have been there for me. She hasn’t called once to voice anything. Yes it hurts. I get all kinds of advice, to try again, reach out, but that is all I have done for 23 years….She is 43 left home at twenty. This has also affected my relationship with my grandchildren….I haven’t heard from them at all. I would send birthday gifts presents, Christmas presents, and got not even a thank you…so I stopped. It is a death but worse, because they are still alive…..I don’t understand it….maybe one day I will.
Please take time to take of yourself you are important
I am having a hard day, July 5, is my sons 46th Birthday ,I am estranged from him and my daughter. They both treated me with disrespect and I couldn’t take it anymore. Well, two and half yrs have passed by and what hurts me the most is that there is no hope,hope of ever letting them back in my life. I would be afraid to because how can you trust them ever again to not do this to you again, that the sad part, the loss of trust.
You mentioned not trusting your kids in the future…. I can identify with that completely and realizing that, helped me say goodbye and let go. A suggestion from me to you, remember and love that little boy and girl that you gave birth to, cradled in your loving arms and helped learn to ride a bike or read stories to. And know that the man and woman who ‘wrote you off’ are not the babies that you loved (and still love).
My daughter stopped communicating with me completely shortly after I tried to take my own life. I had lost my job due to COVID, my son wanted to live with dad full time so I lost child support, and I was suffering from unmanaged chronic pain from Cerebral Palsy because hospitals were not doing elective pain procedures. I went into a depression spiral and when trying to calm down, just kept going taking a bunch of pills so I could just go to sleep forever. I gave up on life. I had tried to make it in CA after my divorce in CO, but the expense of living there on disability was just too hard. Nobody would help me when I had to move every year or so when rents would skyrocket. It was awful. My ex sent my daughter to check on me after I dropped off my dog at his house. She rescued me and called 911. After the suicide attempt and 4 days in the ICU, she stayed with me in a hotel. But, I was mentally in a really bad place and I said some things about my past, married to her dad. She adores her dad, so I am assuming that’s why she has left me. I just don’t know. My ex won’t tell me anything. I had to pick up and move to TX where I can live well on disability. So now I don’t have either of my kids. It’s been really hard. But I have been treated by a new pain Dr and a new Neurologist and that’s helping the pain that was contributing greatly to my depression. I know I can do it now. I just need my kids back.
Thank you for your article. I have been estranged from my 2 daughters since 2017. I had been struggling with PTSD after being raped in 2003. And I suffered in silence for years. No one would let me talk about my feelings and I learnt it was better to say nothing. I was a good mum, my daughters told me so but they said they didn’t want the side of me that struggled with mental ill health. Know I let my younger daughter down, she had turned to a family relative who she would talk to, my sister in law, who chose not to come to me and tell me just how much my younger daughter was struggling. I thought I was protecting her by asking her to stay with her dad whilst I tried to sort my husband out who was struggling with his mental health. But she saw it as rejection, no me wanting to protect her.
I miss them both so much. We were very close and very loving. My mental illness was managed well considering what I was going through, I worked hard and wanted them to understand that life can be difficult but we can get through, but when I was triggered by my husband’s behaviour they walked away.
I have spent along time working on myself and continue to do so. I was doing it for them, I thought if they could see me now, I have received the help and compassion from friends and my dad and therapy which has helped me manage PTSD. But now I feel I have to live my life for me and not for my daughters because the continued rejection hurts so much.
My older daughter who is now 27 told me, that it should not matter to a parent how many times their child rejects then, because the child does really want them, but they will come back when they are good and ready. This I think is so cruel, why should parents be at the mercy of an adult child who thinks in this way. For me, I was tormented for years by the rape, now I am expecting to keep on taking the rejection until they decide that they need something from me.
You’re welcome, Vicky. I’m so sorry about your daughters.
Hugs, Sheri McGregor
My mother has the same attitude about my daughter, that I should sit and wait for her to care again and then welcome her back (as though it never happened). But after 37 years of walking on eggs with ED, I guess I feel like I don’t want to be a door mat to her moods any more.
Live for yourself because your kids are not going to live for you. They’re adults on their own and now it’s your turn!
I enjoyed this article very much, and unfortunately I can relate with all of it. It has been seven years since I have seen my estranged daughter and I don’t have any more answers now than I did when the break occurred. Has it gotten easier? No. However, I have gotten stronger and have adapted in some ways to this new normal. It has changed me profoundly and even if she were to come back into my life It will never be the same. I try to practice forgiveness. For her and for myself.
Suzanne, I do believe we will always go to a place of sorrow with an estranged child. There is a hole that can never be filled. What are they thinking of? Is it the Me Me Generation? All three of my kids are estranged from me. What are the chances of that? I have been able to connect the dots and believe my son has pitted his 2 sisters against me. I have written to him and asked that we turn the page, but still nothing. My kids were everything to me. I would never be so cruel. Does this younger generation face obstacles that force them to direct their anger at mom, a safe place? I feel for everyone going thru this painful journey. It’s hard.
Thank you, Suzanne. I am turning a corner. I was so devastated by the loss that I was emailing, sending gifts, cards, asking my ex to talk to her for me, etc. Now, I am trying to practice mindfulness and calming my heart and mind. It’s the hardest part because when I am crying and angry, I at least feel something for my daughter. Now, in this new phase, I feel I am having to say goodbye and that is a tragedy. But, I must for my own health. Hugs.
Suzanne, please feel comfort in knowing you aren’t alone. It is shocking how common this is. People treat each other as disposable.
I feel that in this present day of technology, people don’t communicate. They lose their sense of connection, making it easier for them to cut off their families at what they perceive to be an infraction.
They don’t know how to talk things out. It’s easier for them not to face anyone 1:1, because they lack that skill.
It does change us when this happens, but there are so many things that are worth your happiness. After almost three years, I still miss my daughter and the three grandkids. We missed out on seeing our grandkids during such important parts of their lives. That hurts the most. Now, we focus on our other children and grandchildren. She occasionally texts one of my sons every few months,but that’s about it.
I just move forward each day, and concentrate on the people in my life now. I love my daughter, just from afar, and wish the best for all.
It’s a rough road.