To all the hurting moms of estranged adult children – – celebrate yourselves. Mother’s day is set aside to honor all the amazing women who give and care and laugh and love and bring so much joy.
To so many of you mothers of estranged adults who have written to me about your experiences, commented in the forum, left replies to my posts at the site, or emailed to say thanks for the articles here . . . it’s my turn to thank YOU. For your encouragement, your sharing, and for all the love you give.
To mothers of estranged adults everywhere – – you are beautiful. You are worthy. You are valuable.
Laugh, love, be with others, or isolate yourself. Do whatever YOU need to do to have a good Mother’s Day. Here are 6 ideas.
And here is a beautiful photo and music montage fitting for mothers of estranged adults on Mother’s Day.
And here’s my new book to help:
Father’s Day when your adult child is estranged
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Funny, therapy…. my adult son asked me to go to talk to a therapist with him and his now wife. I did not know why I did but I agreed to go. I was blindsided. His wife sat there with a smug smile on her face.
Background, I moved into my son and his fiance’s house when my husband died suddenly from a heart attack and I donated his organs which turned out very badly. I was a wreck. I stopped eating regularly and left the house each day and walked for hours. I got very thin and tried to be pleasant and I cleaned their house every day. I had a great job which I quit as I had too many issues with my grief.
The therapist started and I was blindsided. I had apparently been taking my daughter-in-law’s clothes, and undermined her superior parenting of my grandson. I was also an alcoholic. The therapist had no idea I was a recent widow and diagnosed with trauma and complicated grief. I shared my focus which was on my husband’s horrific death donating.
On to the accusations made by the wife at the therapy session.
Well, I did not take her clothes; I was given a blouse similar to hers. I had my own clothes and why would I wear her clothes? I am outdoorsy and much slimmer than her, and my clothes reflected my lifestyle, Her clothes did not reflect my taste at all and I washed her clothes every day. I piled them up outside her room folded as I did my son’s and grandson’s clothes. That was it. The crime, unbeknownst to me; was I was given a blouse similar to one of hers. I had to prove it to her. When I did as per her norm she stomped away; when she was angry you could hear her stomping which was regular. I hid in the basement often with my grandson or we would go to a playground.
She is a stepmother to my grandson. She nagged at my grandson relentlessly. I never said a word of criticism, I ground my teeth. My grandson avoided her and would come down to my room, mostly in tears. He would want me to read books or play games or go to a playground. or do homework. i tried to encourage him to do what she demanded and I coaxed and praised him for completing her demands. It was awful to just sit back, listen and watch. One day she was yelling at him to eat his food. I made it a game and we both ate dinner laughing. I said I am proud of you when he finished his meal. He smiled instead of crying. The female blew up. I disappeared downstairs and for the first time, my son slammed downstairs and stated I was undermining her superior parenting. I then started to avoid my grandson but he did not understand. I started looking for a new place to live. I was going to buy a house far away. But my son and his soon-to-be wife wanted me to buy a home close to them so I could babysit.
I was also accused of being an alcoholic by the female, this was based around a time my doctor told me to drink a glass of wine each night to lower my blood pressure. So I had a glass of red wine every night before bed. That was it. I was not drunk, I did not stagger, slur my words, anything. I followed my doctor’s orders of six ounces of red wine. The wife drank wine like a fish by the way. I said nothing about her excessive consumption. This all came out in the therapist meeting (my wine consumption not her’s)
I explained that I had moved in with them when my husband passed away suddenly. I was traumatized by what transpired with my husband’s death. I shared what happened to the therapist. He was very confused all of a sudden and seemed to realize he was misled. He spent time talking about my loss and what had transpired. The female was enraged.
Shortly after being blindsided in the therapist’s office, I was thrown out of the house. They went away for the weekend and I was to move out asap. I decided to move into an air b and b to recover from the loss of my husband and the loss of my son.
I eventually moved to another province where I met someone and we started a new life. We were building a log home. My son showed up with a moving van full of my stuff. We had no roof on the home. He dumped it all in our foundation and left. He was looking for gratitude for this. Much of my stuff got ruined. From there it went downhill. I still grieve the loss of my son. I grieve the loss of my grandson. I am apparently grandmother to two other kids, I just see them as a biological relationship and I do not try or want to pursue these relationships. My son wants me around for photos and events. I do not go as it ends up in a huge fight something that never happened before the female. My son and I had a great relationship pre the female. My son always said, “You are always welcome in my life, if you choose not to I understand”. It is condescending and he knew what happened. He knows that anytime I found myself around his wife, she would stomp off.
My older son said just ignore her. I cannot do this. I am uncomfortable. Do not go to a therapist. It is a trap unless you go alone and the antagonist is not there. The grief I have is my son is dead but alive. I have never lost a child to death but this is a death in a different and horrible way.
PS if the therapist is a sincere option go, I have rethought this. If it is just a place to affirm bad behaviour do not go.
I am so happy that Mothers’ Day is over for this year.
I received a short “Happy Mother’s’ Day” from my
daughter. This is the fourth year of making it through
this difficult day. I have always believed that I was a good mother, not perfect, but loving, and generous.
My children were never yelled at, hit, called names
or anything of the sort.
But here I am an emotional mess. My estranged daughter wanted my husband and me to go through
4 hours of “therapy” where we would listen to
all her shaming and blaming of us. We could only listen, not respond. We refused! This idea is crazy.
I am already a mess; I am afraid I would be suicidal
if we went through such a torture treatment. Such a
“therapy” seems like mental and emotional abuse
and the therapist is helping. No thanks!
I am so grateful for this community of good people.
I pray for all of you.