How can estranged parents take charge? Be author of your own life (Your November challenge)
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How can estranged parents take charge? Be author of your own life (your November challenge)
By Sheri McGregor, M.A.
November 1 is National Author’s Day (U.S.) and I’ve been thinking a lot about how each of us is the author of our own story. That’s true even though we can’t control every character that enters our pages. Some plot twists take us by surprise, test the spirit, and break our hearts. Yet we can see our story as it is, do a little planning, and design a new chapter that comes to a satisfying end.
Each of us is the author of our own life—and that’s true even when life gives us new tales and tragedy or drama we didn’t expect or want.
We don’t always get to choose the circumstances, but we can work with them. One way we begin answering the question, “How can estranged parents take charge?” is by choosing how we respond and what we cultivate next. We do get to choose the meaning we make, the tone of our narration, and the voice we reclaim along the way.
To everyone hanging on as the plot twisted to life after loss, estrangement, or unexpected change, I applaud your courage. Your resilience in the face of such loss shines with brilliance as you dip into the vast, healing river that flows around the world. I’m inspired by your friendship and wisdom. Thank you for your wonderful emails—and your trust.
Opening your heart to new plot lines
Authorship also means we don’t spend the rest of our story trying to write a character back in against their will. At least for a time, maybe forever, holding hope is natural. But so is making room—for new relationships, interests, and versions of ourselves still waiting to emerge.
This doesn’t mean giving up on the relationship. It means letting loose what’s not your drama or story. It also means not abandoning the rest of your life. Make room for new beginnings.
How can estranged parents take charge? Your challenge
Come up with a plan (and then execute it). Purposeful planning, even in small ways, increases feelings of control and reduces stress during difficult seasons. Clear intentions help us move steadily forward.1,2
So, how can estranged parents take charge in practical ways? If you’re new to estrangement, devise a plan for the next hour or day. A little farther in? Plan for the week or month. Still farther on this journey? You may be planning for a big life move or managing your resources and altering your will. We’re all in different places, and we can still bring a meaningful ending—to the hour, day, year, or beyond.
Your challenge is to pick a time frame, consider what’s most important and necessary, and design a meaningful end.
If your time frame is today:
What must you prioritize to reach sundown without the feeling that you’ve wasted another day in the “dumps”?
Examples:
- Get the car insurance paid.
- Do the dishes.
- Eat nourishing foods and manage other needs (take care of yourself!).
These may seem insignificant in the scope of life, but when the mind is consumed with grief, anger, or dismay—shifting into neutral3 with a next-moment plan makes all the difference.
If your time frame is this month:
What do you want to accomplish by the end of November? Have a meaningful Thanksgiving. Plan and prepare for the winter ahead. You don’t want to be caught in the cold without firewood, a warm jacket, or a roof leak. Likewise, a meaningful holiday requires planning. And don’t forget the symbolic nature of the month—a threshold to shorter, darker days, or the act of noticing and feeling grateful for every blessing.
Longer term plans? Maybe you’re thinking of the New Year already or feeling an end-of-year crunch over all you’ve been putting off. Looking ahead, setting intentions, and breaking plans into manageable steps helps prevent rumination and supports forward movement.3
Whatever page you’re on in your life story, it’s not too late to fully claim or reclaim authorship and work toward your next meaningful end—whether a paragraph, page, or era. Some characters walk away early and leave us to plot a new way forward—a decision we must make if we’re not to stay stuck.
Keep writing. The page is yours—and I’m always grateful when you share it with me. As an author with a significant character, a son, who walked away, I’ve embraced a story that walks alongside you as you move forward, sometimes in sadness and confusion, but progressing ever more toward meaning and joy.
Celebrating your page-turning courage
As we enter more fully into the holiday season, I raise a metaphorical glass to your strength and courage. Here’s to the chapters we close—and can revisit whenever we feel the need—but mostly to the pages yet unwritten. May we each own our life’s authorship.
If my books in the Done With The Crying series (Done With The Crying, 2016, and Beyond Done With The Crying, 2021) have been friends to you as you navigated the loss of estrangement and helped you find your footing again, thank you for your trust. Please share a review or tell someone else who might benefit.
And if you—or someone you love—is ready for more grounded peace and fewer mental loops, my newest book, Rumination Remedies, was written to help. Gain insight, control your thoughts, and experience more peace. Just as you can reclaim your outward story, you can rewire and fine-tune your inner narrative, one easy step at a time.
May your story hold a future of strength and peace.
Hugs always,
Sheri McGregor
Related
Is an inciting incident keeping you stuck?
Adult child’s estrangement: No time to waste
References 1.Ameden, C., Galla, B. M., Duckworth, A. L., Baek, E. C., & D’Mello, S. K. (2024). Planfulness predicts reduced stress, fewer goal disruptions, and enhanced well-being. Scientific Reports, 14, 2599. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-024-53826-0 2.Neupert, S. D., Almeida, D. M., & Charles, S. T. (2023). Feeling in control helps beat daily stress. Penn State University. 3.McGregor, Sheri (2025). Rumination Remedies: A Workbook to Free Your Mind From Worry, Regret, and Racing Thoughts. Sowing Creek Press.
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26 thoughts on “How can estranged parents take charge? Be author of your own life (Your November challenge)”
Thank you for the countless words of advice and wisdom!! Your posts and comments are extremely therapeutic and a lifeline.
So many of us have common threads themes running through our terribly undeserved cruel estrangement: NO APOLOGY is ever good enough (sometimes we apologize for what? we don’t know).
My husband and I don’t recognize our son and his absolutely callous cruel cutoff….. wow ! we hear that word CRUEL a lot among our fellow wounded estranged parents.
We think there is a light at the end of the tunnel (through texts /emails) only to end up at a dark foggy place.
New accusations, insults, excuses emerge …..we’re at a point to just run away from our son and his wife…..the psychological abuse we’ve endured for two years has taken it’s toll and it’s not worth it at the maybe SLIM chance we get to see our grandchild again.
ALL they do is hurt us!!! We think they (especially our son’s wife) is enjoying this cruel power.
We’re grateful for the wisdom to create a will with them not being included. We have charities and other family as the beneficiaries.
Hi Sheri,
I’ve done so much to get through estrangement. I’m writing memoir number two, published two children’s books, went back to school, volunteer, and started a YouTube channel. If I didn’t have goals, I would be incapacitated with grief. I went No Contact with my verbally abusive A.C. in 2018. Recently he has been texting me and sending me photos of the grandchild I’ve never met; aged 3 already. When I text back, he may or may not answer. On one hand, I enjoy seeing him and my grandson. On the other, it feels as if he’s only reaching out to show me what I’m missing out on as a consequence for my actions of going No Contact. ( I was threatened with consequences for this even before the child existed.) My other son and my husband think it’s his way of being cruel. I’m confused about it. I asked him directly if we would ever see each other again and he said he hoped so, saying he would like to reconnect, but his every action shows the opposite. There’s been no discussion of events leading up to all this on his part and no apology. When I apologized, it was critiqued as not the correct way to apologize. We’ve been estranged for seven years, but I haven’t seen him in ten. What are your thoughts?
Thanks for your books! I still have my notes from them and go through them occasionally.
The line about writing a character back in against their will really resonated with me. After trying everything I could think of to entice my son to reconnect with our family, I realized it was all against his will. I fought the doom of estrangement with everything I had and felt every emotion from gut wrenching sadness to confusion to anger, and you know what he felt? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Once I came to realize that, I knew no more of my effort would change anything. Spending more time chasing after someone against his will would only destroy me slowly and keep me in a state of emotional turmoil. It’s certainly not easy and I think of him all the time, but I couldn’t let him ruin my life. We all need to continue our story with the people who do want to be in our lives!
I assume my children are smart enough to know whether having a relationship with me adds value to their lives or not. I was brought up to honour my father and mother and have daily contact with my 90 year old mother but no contact with some of my children. I wish them well and have no animosity towards them. They have a right to make their own decisions.
I so appreciate the emails and messages as well as reading the struggles others face being estranged from adult children.
I was only able to have one child so I don’t have another child to help fill the hole in my heart. And my granddaughter will be 15 in December and I have not seen her for almost 4 years. Haven’t touched her since Easter 2020.
They lived with me until she was almost 4 and I was literally the other parent as the “father” was not a good person and could not be a parent either.
I hold on to my faith and hope that one day they will text, call or show up.
I don’t have any family but I do have some very good friends.
The man in and out of my life for 25 years is emotionally immature and selfish. So I’ve set boundaries and we are just friends, but do not hang out which is my rule.
Holidays coming up can be difficult plus my granddaughters birthday.
I still work FT and volunteer. But I know I can and should do more.
Prayers for everyone facing this growing epidemic of people walking away instead of talking through things and setting boundaries. Love. Plain and simple. And a splash of Grace.
I could not accept the screaming and yelling of my son. His violent rages against myself and my wife. He was 39 and was kicked out of his apartment. He was working for a food delivery service and could not afford rent and had to move in with us. I worked hard to find a therapist. I figured if I found one with the purpose of reunification that we can get things done. I found one and worked with her for a year before he would agree to talk with her. It paid off. He started to calm down. And she diagnosed him with several disorders that medications helped with. It was a very long road. I found solace in this website knowing that my wife and I were not alone. 6 years later he is still in therapy and we seem to be doing ok. My wife and I both need to be careful about what we say around him, but he is progressing.
Following a plan is important and it is long term. We a 9 years in.
This site is such a comfort to me Sheri. I miss my son and granddaughter every day. They are far away in New Zealand. I ask myself daily what I did to cause this estrangement. I read regularly about “bad boomer parents” on that sludge machine Social media. I wonder about the values of people who preach that crap. Thank you for providing an antidote to heart broken parents.
It comes in waves that slap me down and leave me choking. And I’m a strong swimmer. This grief. This burgeoning disbelief that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore.
Recently I moved to be closer to one of my other daughters, yet the one who remains estranged grows farther and farther away. Four years now and counting. I took all of her pictures down for a while because the sight of her triggered so many memories of her adorable childhood. Each flash in my mind of my youngest child feels like a knife in my heart. Her smile in the photos. The skin I used to touch. Her wit. It’s eviscerating.
When I moved, I brought one framed photo of her…smiling and by my side in a treehouse as a teenager. She is/was/is the most fascinating person. But I think I need to put the photo away again. It is crushing me.
What do you say about photos, Sheri?
Hi Meg,
What you wrote here is sad. I feel for you with this “fascinating person.” I’m very sorry she made the choice she did.
You asked what I think of photos. I’ve written a few times about them. Here’s the latest: https://www.rejectedparents.net/photos-of-estranged-adult-children-can-bring-pain-to-parents/
Hugs,
Sheri McGregor
Thank you once again, Sheri, for the work you continue to do and for sharing your great insights with all of us. Getting your emails, reading your posts, and reading the stories of others, have helped me so much over the past year. The pain and sadness is still there, but it is not so ready to come to the surface. There is more peace in my heart most days now.
I have come to the conclusion that my ED has some sort of mental health problem that is driving her behavior. She has taken on the “Mother Wound” and other psychobabble internet concepts full force, despite all my efforts to show and give love. I blame that and also the effects of being “the good little daughter” in the middle of my own long difficult marriage with her Dad. I realize now she was placed in a triad by him. He leaned on her and confided in her about stuff that was happening between us that he couldn’t and wouldn’t talk with me about. I’m pretty certain he twisted her thinking about me, and encouraged her to keep stuff from me for years. It took me years to realize that this happened. Now that I know, it makes me so sad for her. I wish I had known at the time so I could have done something about it.
I have a ton of compassion for my ED because of this. I know many of her reactions and patterns are a result of that mixed up childhood. I wish it hadn’t been that way, and willingly admit that I had a part in it. But I also am wise enough to know that the past can’t be reversed by any of us. I therefore forgive her for cutting me out of her life. I tell myself she is doing the best she can. I am proud of her for continuing to work in her career, for being good and nice to other people, and for not giving up completely in the face of all the mental health adversity she has faced. Deep down, I hope some day she will call, and everything will be okay, but I don’t spend time dwelling on that hope.
This was my first year in all of her 36 years not to reach out to her and send her a present on her birthday. It was tough for me to do, after years of trying to overlook her hostility, and years of reaching out and trying to keep a good connection. I agonized over it, lost sleep over it, but knew deep down it was right to finally take that step. Her actions have told me over and over that she needs that space.
I finally accept it all, have focused on peace, and finding other sources of joy for my own life. I could never have come to this stage in my healing without you, Sheri. Thank you. Sending love and peace to you for November and to all the members of this group. ❤️
Iv been estranged from my daughter for best part of 20 years, on and off connection. She moved from Ireland to Australia 15 years ago, came home every year caused havoc, then went back to Australia. She had a beautiful son my only granchild, the last time I saw him here in ireland was when he was 4. She is divorced from her husband now, I keep in touch with my now 11 year old granson through his dad
. My daughter and my grandson came home to Ireland this year but didn’t come to see me or see her brother, we were told before she can she would not see us, but I thought, she won’t do that, she did, iv buried all my feelings, and am finding it hard to chat to my grandson, what must an 11 year old be thinking of me, God only know, Emily
Thank you so much for this Sheri. It really brightened my day, and my life. It feels so reassuring when you utter the words that we are authors of our own lives. And we can’t control characters that harm or hurt us- what we can control is our reaction to it- how we move forward with ourselves in mind. What has helped me through this very unexpected, hurt journey, is the love of my husband, and knowing we did the best we could, which was a lot. I’ve learned that our ED is not the person I thought she was. So why desire a relationship with someone I don’t even know. But know they hurt me. The answer is I don’t desire one, but I do desire peace and joy for myself.
Also what has helped me a lot is thinking of myself as a person first and not necessarily a mother. We’ve all been trained for so many years to think of ourselves as a mother. It will take as many years or hopefully shorter, to go back to who we were. Before we became that mother. That has really helped me.
Sheri has done so much for me on this journey, I can’t thank you enough.
It’s so important that we live our lives! On hard days, I give myself grace, and maybe I don’t do much. But I at least get outside and/or do something that lifts my spirits. But most days I go on a one or two-mile power walk, I walk our 14 year-old dog, I read, do some cleaning, and talk to neighbors or friends. I’m in a weekly women’s Bible study group, which is great! I also work a few hours a month at the local hospital (I’m retired). And I do secretarial work for a non-profit that supports a school in Haiti in providing Christ-centered education.
I was diagnosed with Graves disease last April, an autoimmune disease and a form of hyperthyroidism. Graves affects the eyes, causing double vision and bulging, red and irritated eyes. My eyes aren’t bulging but I’ve had double vision for ten months now. Stress is a factor in why someone might get Graves. And as anyone here knows, estrangement is a very, very stressful situation. So I’m trying to be mindful of when my thoughts are taking me to a sad, dark place. And when that happens I change those thoughts to something uplifting and positive. No matter what, I’m hyper-focused on finding peace every day in my life!
My only connection with our estranged daughter is on FaceBook. I don’t know her address but I know that she lives at least 800 miles from us. I hope and pray that she’ll agree to see me sometime, but it’ll have to be her suggestion. In the meanwhile I’m living my life, as everyone in this group should! I feel much empathy for everyone here that shares their feelings and experiences.
I love this November challenge because it reminds me that the “holidays” are largely an arbitrary construction. If I had never had childen, how would I be spending them? Well, traveling the world, getting my house in order, inviting friends for dinner. So this is the answer to your excellent question: “What do you want to accomplish by the end of November?” Three things:
1) exercise (build bone) every day
2) plan my December-January trips, to Thailand and to Switzerland, maybe not in that order; going to Sri Lanka last year reminded me that most of the world DOES NOT even celebrate Christmas, so why am I feeling sad and mopey about something that millions of people don’t even register? They have lots of things going on, and there is much to see and do, and a very large, wonderful world out there.
3) Clean out a big closet attached to my study; honestly, ashamed to admit it, but when sudden company arrives, I quickly zip through the house and clear surfaces…right into that closet. Very bad habit, I know. So it’s time to go through and clear the space and make it clean, uncluttered, and useful. And change the habits into a daily clutter-sweep/put-away.
Of course the usual volunteering at the shelter on Thanksgiving, and a cozy grateful dinner at home for us that night.
May all of us take up this November challenge and thrive with it! Thank you, Sheri; I simply could not have recovered from this horrible estrangement without your books.
I’m having a very difficult time. My daughter doesn’t like me. She very different with my husband. She treats him good as long as he doesn’t say something negative to her about her. If he doesn’t she won’t speak to him unless he apologizes. With me she accuses me of things and I have no idea what she is talking about. I told her I don’t remember those things but to her I’m sorry for anything I did that hurt her but she won’t accept my apology because she said if I can’t remember how can I be sorry. I take this blame from her because of my 2 beautiful granddaughters. If I don’t then she will refuse to let me see them. She did it once. I just can’t seem to move on with my life. It’s been 81/2 years.
It is very hard to move forward from children that are estranged. I have decided that my daughter may still heal some day from the things that trouble her. I am grateful that over time I am healing from the things I struggle with. Maybe as we heal we will reconnect some day but setting up a new 5 year plan is the right thing for me. Move forward as long as you can. Thanks for all the support you are giving us!
Sheri
I have read through one of your books more than once and thank you. It is a reference I continue to refer to. Our son sent my husband a “happy Birthday” text on his birthday, nothing more or less. Silence since then. This daily waking up realizing I am grieving for a child that is still alive is heartbreaking to say the least. I pray for him every day. He is one of my first thoughts in the morning and the last at night. I find keeping myself busy, meeting with friends, etc. is the best thing for me………it fills my soul back up after it is so pulled down into the pit of grief. Praying for other Moms and Dads whose hearts are so wounded from estrangement.
Reading all of this is helpful and reminds me I am not alone, but I feel such grief for everyone’s suffering. I wish there was a way to meet somehow. Finally, I might come to know an understanding friend or two. It’s very lonely here.
I have all your books Sheri and they have all been such a help. I’ve just received my copy of Rumination remedies today. I still mourn the loss of my two beautiful girls and more so this last week when my 24 year old son, their brother had a heart attack at the age of 24. We were in hospital for a week and no sign of either of them. I guess it made me realise that the fault most definitely isn’t with myself or my son and that my girls (26 and 29) have literally decided that we are not part of their lives anymore, no matter what happens. A hard pill to swallow. But your newsletters keep me going so thank you xx
I am and still going through the estrangement of my two daughters. One in Australia and one living very close by in UK
I have read your book Done with Crying which helped so much.
Every email I receive brightens me. Life has to move on. My life is a happy one. My life will my daughter’s is not it brings me down. So I have to pick my Happy Life for my sanity. Thank you for all the comments of readers. It is lovely to share.
It’s been several years now and I’ve moved on. I’m still estranged from my daughter after 20 years despite many attempts to connect. I’ve removed her from my will and sadly, I now have 2 grandchildren whom I’ve never met. One is 5 and the other is 1. Im now removing all my teaching resources from my home and am returning my home to a home instead of a working space and have turned one bedroom into a reading room and another into a writing room. I matter and as a birthday present to myself because Im creating a new life for myself, I’ve got myself 4 baby budgies and 2 adults and a large outdoor cage. I cannot change my daughter but I can create a fulfilling life with new dreams and goals.
I know I’ll never see my son or my grandchildren again. I feel punished every day I wake up and have to make myself do another idiotic mundane day.
A brilliant idea to write our stories Sheri. One good way to help relieve us of our emotional pain is to get it out and put it on paper. It also is a great help to get things into perpective. We are able to see things as they really are when we see them on paper. We can identify the real stuff from the silly stuff. A very constructive project. Elaine
I think that the last time I connected with this site, I was struggling hugely with the estrangement with my daughter who is now 38. We are still estranged and I’ve discovered painfully that she’s had two children whom I’ve never met. One is a boy, 5 and the other is a girl; 1.
My life matters too and I’ve moved on from the agonising days of loss of my daughter who I’ve tried to keep in touch with over the past 21 years, with little response.
I did move on slowly and have constructed a new and positive life for myself because I matter! I may never re-establish a relationship with my daughter or meet my grandchildren, but I can construct new dreams and friendships and a life that’s different to what I’d planned, but just as rich.
What I’m doing now that I’ve retired, is cleaning out all my teaching resources that I’ll never need again, and have turned my daughter’s old room into a reading room and the other bedroom into a writing room. It feels so good to be turning my home into a home instead of a repository for teaching resources and work.
I’ve changed my will and removed my daughter from having access to my estate and now, to keep the relationship door open, I send her a birthday card each year, have set up a savings account for my grandchildren for when I die so they receive something special from me, and I send them a present each for their birthdays.
As a present for myself for my upcoming birthday and as a way of moving into this new phase of my life, I’ve bought myself 6 budgies, 4 of which are babies and a very large outdoor cage, and a new patio, which gives me a lovely outdoor area to enjoy.
It’s been a very tough and painful journey to reach this point, but I cannot change my daughter and she’s an adult engaged in her own life and experiences. So, I’ve moved on and plan to make the most of these final decades of life.
I love this, Suzanne. Budgies are so sweet! Congratulations on putting yourself back together so well and wisely. (I’m still working on it, so I appreciate the inspiration.)
That was brilliant Sheri; I’ve also found it helpful for being alone after the end of a 25 year marriage.
Very similar challenges face you in uncharted waters.
Thank you.