by Sheri McGregor, M.A.
How do I love me? Let me count the ways. . . .
Does that title sound selfish to you? In this month when we celebrate love, I hope you will remember that you’re deserving of your own kindness and care. When we’re cut off by sons or daughters, we need all the love we can get. Below, I’ve listed a few points that link to posts to help.
How do I love me? Let me count SIX ways!
- By being compassionate, kind, and patient with myself.
- By taking good care of myself.
- By remembering my own strength, or the examples of others, during times of adversity.
- By participating in life; not letting time pass me by.
- By spreading a little happiness to also increase my own.
- By remembering that it’s good to give and to celebrating love.
Happy Valentine’s hugs to all, and especially to the parents cut off by sons or daughters.
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Being rejected by your children is a feeling unlike any other and it really does a number on your self esteem and self worth. I know intellectually that our EDs’ opinion of us is not based on fact but a misguided personal perspective and, frankly, the satisfaction they find in giving us the silent treatment. It is a powerful and intoxicating feeling to withhold and apparently they need that.
It is, however, a form of self destructiveness.
I imagine that there is also an element of being trapped by their choice to reject, that having made this choice and taking the steps to make it known it’s very difficult to reverse. I think of the tall tales they have shared with certain people and imagine that even if they wanted to reunite, those tall tales might present a challenge that’s not easily overcome. For example, “Why are you calling your mother? I thought she abused you. Why would you expose yourself to that again?”
If you make that kind of statement and have gone to the extreme act of deserting your parents over it, how do you now take it back? How are those parents now ok? I read recently that estranged grown children must accept some of the same kind of pressure to reunite that rejected parents accept, either via societal influences , holidays, milestones, having children, etc.
Assuming this is accurate, it’s not a carefree existence for them at all but a self imposed prison sentence. They are not, despite what we may envision, happy this way.
While accepting your status as rejected, it’s critical to keep yourself grounded in the knowledge that you did a great job as a parent. You were not perfect. No human being is, but you took on raising these children with everything you had so don’t cut yourself off at the knees.
My husband has said he will never apologize to them or make amends because he has nothing to apologize for. He has regrets in his life but how good of a parent he was is not one of them. He is absolutely right.
I jotted down a little something and it helps me to re-read it whenever necessary.
LIVE with uncertainty
LIVE with rejection
LIVE with dissatisfaction
LIVE with loss
LIVE with pain
CREATE your own happiness
CREATE your own peace
CREATE your own healing
CREATE your own self love
CREATE your own security
REALIZE that you are enough
REALIZE that YOU are there for you
REALIZE that you are loved
REALIZE that you are fortunate
REALIZE that you are whole
REALIZE that you have a rich inner life
The tricky part is to fully internalize this message.
I am new to posting, so I hope it is ok to post here. For so long I have felt less than, not worthy. I suspect
my daughter has felt this and that insecurity has impacted her. Now, I realize, sadder but much wiser,
I am a good person. Yes, I made mistakes, but who doesn’t? My daughter and I are “ in touch “. I have not
seen her in almost 7 years. I don’t know where her actual address is or her phone number. I do have her
email. I send 4 or 5 emails to her 1. Should I count myself lucky? I did. Now, today, I realize that the
passive aggressive attitude Is not enough for me. I am worthy of compassion. I am worthy of understanding. . I deserve more. If, in her estimation, that is enough, then fine. Is it enough for me?
Sadly, no. I am constantly fraught with why she is so insensitive. Why continually punish me? I have noticed that if I email with frustration or impatience coupled with anger she writes immediately back to
Me. Like I confessed to he, it is interesting the rare times I get angry you respond and the loving, gentle
Emails are treated with silence and ignored. I wish she would help me understand. I feel that I have
Permitted her to treat me with a disregard…and it continues. I don’t want it anymore. I want more.
And, if my daughter is incapable then it is time to let go. How does one let go of the love of your life?
Hi Cindy, I can totally relate to your situation. The daughter who cut me off because of who I voted for ( !) in the Presidential election in 2016, has come around. If it weren’t for the graduation of my granddaughter, I don’t know how long the estrangement would have lasted. So, I find my self wanting and needing more from her. Our calls and visits are congenial and loving, but it seems like I’m walking on egg shells so I don’t do or say anything to offend her with the result of her cutting me off again. It seems like I am the lowest on her priority list. When we talk, she’s either driving somewhere, or cooking or putting dishes away. I crave more from her, but I realize that I have to accept what she is willing to give. I am filling my life with friends and good works. I have a husband (who is not the father of my children) who is understanding and a son who suffers from PTSD. Or so he says. He has verbally attacked us for a myriad of reasons and I have now decided to armor myself by keeping conversations on the light side and when I feel another attack coming on, I will end the conversation politely. Sometimes I’m beaten down and will cry at the drop of a hat. I feel your pain. I guess we never let go. We continue to love them no matter how cruel they treat us. But we also have to draw a fine line as to maintain our own self-respect. I hope you can find peace in dealing with this. It’s so hard.