Is it time to change the setting?
In this 6-minute video, Sheri McGregor talks about how parents often feel the urge to continue reaching out, even when experience tells them they’ll only set themselves up for more hurt. She offers a new way to think about the feeling. One that moves parents of estranged adults toward their own healing.
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9 thoughts on “Is it time to change the setting?”
I am exhausted as you mention in your video. Mainly emotionally but I’m sure it affects me physically as well. My estrangement involves both of my sons. For a number of years I lost both of them but recently I have begun to communicate with my youngest, primarily because of his sweet wife who keeps me informed, and lets me see my grand daughters. The problem is my older son keeps me on an emotional yoyo. He “lets us” see our grandsons play in their sports (for which we travel long hours to see them) and then most recently he left our 12 year old grandson with his other grandparents in the summer resort town we both live in. We were not told by him, nor his in-laws that George was in town for a week! We found out about it from friends who went to the in-laws house for dinner! Not only was this situation embarrassing but it was an emotional gut punch to both of us. I feel like this my limit with him. He has hurt me one too many times.. but I can’t really cut him off like I’d like to because that would cause my younger son to side with him again and I’d lose them both. It’s a ridiculous while at the same time horrific place to be right? For the moment I find writing my feelings down help somewhat which is why I am responding right now. I now, more than ever want to reach out to my son and exclaim… do you have any idea how much you hurt me? How life you take away from me each time you do things like this??? but I can’t say it. That’s all I can say about it right now. I know I am ruining my aging years but I can’t help it when things keep going up and down between the 3 of us.
Thanks for this and your newsletters and everyone’s comments. Its been 6 years since I’ve seen my ED in person and since January since you sent me the final cut off and good buyer letter after telling me I was racist, lacking moral character amongst many other horrible things all related to politics. Its heartbreaking for the love of my life to talk to me this way. Last week was my birthday. I was down a bit because I knew again I would not hear from her. Her’s is coming up and I thought I wanted to reach out to her. Then I went (on my birthday) and re-read her hateful words. It cured me of the desire to reach out to her. I was angry and then apologized to God for my anger and prayed and moved on. I have no desire to have that hatred in my life. My God knows me and loves me and knows my truth and who I am. He knows the love I have for my ED and forgives me for no longer seeking a relationship with my ED. Hugs and prayers to all who are experiencing this.
Sheri, once again you have hit the spot perfectly with help that’s needed. For years I walked on eggshells and tolerated her angry and snide remarks, her coldness and eye rolling and disrespect, her demands alternating with confusing warmth and generosity sprinkled in between incredible rudeness. I dreaded her visits and dreaded visiting her. The sweet kid she had been was gone forever, it seemed. I clung to every little kindness and tried to ignore or forget the abrasive, mean spirited, dismissive comments. Just for existing, for not thinking like her, and agreeing with her, and acting just as she did, I was evidently horrible, and she let me know it.
Finally last year when she published an utterly libelous book that included some very unkind and untrue material about me and her father, I had had enough and cut off contact with her. The new weather, however, has been like grieving her death. Rather, grieving the death of that much beloved child. I do not grieve the angry 45 year old, who was an unkind stranger to me; except I would never have tolerated such treatment from a stranger or acquaintance.
THIS VIDEO helps so much in resolving and dealing with the situation. The climate has utterly changed for this relationship and I need not agonize over it. It just is what it is, and now I can move forward and adapt to it. I’ve been adapting in fits and starts.
Now the big question is whether or not to notify her with an address change, when we move soon, 1000 miles away from where we live now. I truly don’t know what to do but think maybe I will not notify her. After all, I would certainly not notify a rude, mean spirited acquaintance who published a book containing libels about me! The new temperature will be cooler and more pleasant. Thank you so much, Sheri. As ever.
Dear Liz,
Thank you for this note. I so appreciate knowing that “changing the setting” is a good idea for you. Seems so simple, but yes, the weather for te relationship has changed. You described it so well. We can tolerate a passing storm but when the weather remains hostile, time to take back the atmosphere for your own health and wellness.
I think you’re right in what you said about not notifying her of the move. And, gosh, I sure hope you’re moving somewhere wonderful and will find that settling in is easy. Here’s to pleasant weather ahead.
Hugs to you,
Sheri McGregor
Sheri, I look forward to your newsletter , however, the video makes me feel like I am talking to a dear friend , thank you for this web site . The hurt doesn’t go way but knowing someone knows our value makes the road a little easier to travel. thank you
Pat, thank you for this. It feels good to be considered a “dear friend.”
🙂
(Happy Dance.)
Hugs,
Sheri McGregor
Hi, Thankyou for that,it enabled me to suppress the urge to reach out with yet another unread, unanswered begging message. When I’m feeling down or desperate to contact my adult child,who common sense tells me is just not interested, you give me that extra bit of strength I need to stop, because that same common sense also tells me that I will not get a reply, and I will suffer the consequences of a pit in my stomach, complete bewilderment and lack of sleep for days, hurting me afresh and reliving the whole thing. I send my love and respect to everyone out there dealing with this awful situation, and to you Sheri, Thankyou.
Debora,
You describe something so real in that spot where should I? or shouldn’t I? meet. It really is two roads, and after so many times, you know where the one road gets you. The other road, where you don’t reach out and beg, is still yours to pave.
HUGE hugs to you, Debora. Thank you for the love.
Sheri McGregor
I found this message so validating. Before my daughter and I became estranged, our relationship was rocky at best. Even though there were times when she was angry with me, I always felt the need to check in just to let her know I was thinking of her. She crucified me for breaking her boundaries and said I was just checking in to make myself feel better – it was all performative on my part. Our last conversation before she cut me off was so horrific, it was an easy choice to have no contact whatsoever going forward. It went against every fiber of my being as a mom and a person but I have stuck to that and am living comfortably in my new temp setting. Thank you for this message!