Less cilantro next time: People-pleasing after estrangement
Less Cilantro Next Time: People-pleasing after estrangement
Last week, I tried something new: chilled avocado soup. I knew my husband probably wouldn’t like it—and I was right. When I presented the caterpillar-green concoction, he pulled a face.
“Cold soup?” Then, as he raised the spoon toward his mouth, he pretended to choke.
I laughed and left him to eat it—or not. Later, though, I found myself thinking about how, earlier in life, I might have been hurt by his reaction. Or perhaps embarrassed, as if his response should become my verdict, too.
The truth was that the recipe called for too much cilantro. So much that the herb lent a raw-green taste. But that was my verdict. Whether I try the recipe later with less cilantro or never make it again will also be my choice.
Thinking about the soup got me thinking about people-pleasing after estrangement—and how often another person’s reaction becomes the basis for what parents may do or feel. That could mean reaching out because someone important insists that’s the right thing to do, even when it no longer makes sense. Or perhaps parents find themselves not telling anyone around them the truth of what has happened, isolating themselves in the pain to avoid hurting their adult child’s reputation. People-pleasing after estrangement can also involve remaining children, with decisions shaped by the fear that they, too, might make a similar exit.
For some parents, estrangement doesn’t create this pattern so much as expose one that was already there. Eventually, the people-pleasing can start to feel like erasing the self. And estrangement can emphasize that feeling.
After the shock, grief, confusion, and time spent trying to understand, hoping to fix the problem, or waiting for them to change, many parents find themselves taking stock. How much of life has been spent waiting and hoping? And how much more of their remaining lives do they want to spend making happiness dependent upon another person?
Estrangement can make parents painfully aware of how much of life has been spent monitoring other people’s reactions. But for some, that awareness becomes a turning point. If all the pleasing, explaining, accommodating, hoping, and waiting don’t preserve or restore the relationship, then perhaps it is time to stop making so many other choices through the lens of another person’s approval.
Some parents also discover that healing itself can feel strangely disloyal, as if enjoying life means they have stopped loving their son or daughter.
A turning point for parents of estranged adult children
Instead of rushing to please others, parents of estranged adult children start to want to claim the time they have left.
In Rumination Remedies, I talk about how using “you” in self-talk can create helpful emotional distance. So, consider these questions in that voice:
- How often did you squelch your own feelings or needs for those of others?
- Where did you sacrifice your own happiness?
- Where did you make yourself smaller, quieter, or more agreeable in order to keep the peace?
That’s when they start to make changes—not to hurt others but because life is fleeting and they count, too. So they:
- try something new
- learn to say no
- rest instead of pushing through
- take the class, make the soup, or choose who to spend time with
- stop making every decision for another’s comfort
- put estrangement in a box or on the shelf—at least for now
And when that happens, not everyone will approve.
Some will pull a face like my husband did with the soup. Others will act hurt, say they’ve changed, and maybe even stop coming around. Some people may have preferred the old version: easier to please, easier to overrule, or easier to predict.
Learning what fits now
As parents grow toward new purpose and meaning for the post-estrangement era, they may notice that, like the soup, some things need adjusting. A new boundary may need less announcing or softer wording. A new activity or class may not fit after all. A new pursuit may feel awkward. They’re learning, and sometimes, even freedom can have a strange taste at first. But experimenting is part of learning what fits and how to live now.
Living with estrangement takes more than coming to terms with the situation and surviving the loss. It’s also about noticing what ‘s alive in us and where we might expand. Not everyone will approve as we grow and adapt to this life era. That’s a given. But at this point, at least some of the time, putting yourself first can be healthy and worth practicing.
How can you show up for yourself? No need for a big, bold move either. Baby steps count—and can lead to bigger change as needed.
For me, one small way was making chilled soup. Too much cilantro? Yes, but still worth a try.
Related
If this reflection speaks to you, join me for our upcoming guided talking circle inside the peer support community membership—a gentle space for listening, optional sharing, and finding your way forward after estrangement.
Hurtful relationships with adult children: Have you lost yourself?
Amends letters to estranged adult children: Should you write one?
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7 thoughts on “Less cilantro next time: People-pleasing after estrangement”
And once you start saying no, you come to realize how many of your relationships existed only because you always said yes. A painful realization, at first, until you see that there is peace in saying no. There is growth in saying no. And if your relationships are built primarily on your always saying yes, then they are not relationships worth having. And the peace I am finally staring to feel by saying no, after a lifetime of always saying yes, is everything.
I’d like to recommend a book called ‘The Spinster Cookbook’ by Eli Davies. She espouses the lot of women living alone, uncoupled, by choice or otherwise. It’s about indulging in special treats or easy options, much of which Sheri endorses in her writing. Davies doesn’t mention, interestingly, estranged women (or men) who make good with the leftovers of relationships gone pear-shaped. Perhaps she’s never comes across estranged women/men! But she compassionately (as does Sheri) writes about those of us who don’t fit into ‘normal’ societal relationships, who are nonetheless giving it some attitude and love and nutritional care. She shares her vulnerability, a key to healing, in my opinion.
Such a thoughtful article. Thank you . I resonate with it so much.
This was such a spot-on, edifying read. Thank you for the reminder.
I am a few years in and learning to hold joy and heartbreak all at the same time. The silence tore me apart in ways only another Mother experiencing estrangement could know. I asked GOD to forgive me for my mistakes on my knees actually. I asked my son to forgive me and that was only met with more silence. So where I am better is that I have peace in my heart and I see where GOD is setting me slowly free from this nightmare I have been living in.
I do believe we ALL are worthy. Every single one of us and once your eyes are opened to this cut-off culture, you see it for what it is and you can make some sense of it all. My son never gave us a reason, never had a conversation, just quietly drifted away. First from me and then with my husband. We know we were good parents and we know how much we love our son. And the door will always remain open. GOD knows our hearts and HE was there through it all. I am thankful for HIM and will continue to lean upon HIM for strength and perseverance. Bless all the hearts that come to your blog for comfort and strength. Your books are wonderful too. Thank you much, Sheri!
Yes people pleasing and having my aunt tell me my parent was sick and to contact her. Sick could mean lots of things.
My out of state parent and my estranged adult child kept her move nearby a secret from me, my spouse and the other siblings. I then estranged from my parent out of hurt that she would support the loss of my child and grandchildren and keep it secret. My parent could have invited us and had all of her grandchildren and great grandchildren together. But she preferred to keep secrets. My parent and my adult child both borderline personality disorder.
I could not reach out to my parent again. It felt like my life or death, seriously.
So when my parent died, not one family member told me. Lost my aunt, cousins, siblings who all sided against me. They are not in contact with my estranged child but consider me at fault. I was told yes, you have nervous problems but you are cruel and hateful, never contact me again. So I have 3 family members who are in touch. Some died now.
Their loss. They never thought my parent was cruel and hateful to me, her child. They never thought Granny was hurting her grandkids by keeping one away from us all and great grandchildren who never got to meet their cousin again.
Less cilantro next time: People-pleasing after estrangement.
People-pleasing: that was me before estrangement. I had spent more than half my life constantly thinking of and trying to please my husband and my children. Everything I did, I did for them. But it all fell apart anyway. When I filed for divorce the estrangement became complete. I. Was. Devastated! Not just for the loss of my children but especially my grandchildren. I felt like I would die. My heart was shattered.
That was 10 years ago. It’s been the longest journey of my life but it’s getting better. Reading this blog brought that old people -pleasing me back to the surface of my mind. I have grown so much since then. And you, Sheri, have contributed so much to my positive growth through your books and blog.
After a few years or so I began to see myself as worthy of my time. I began to find myself. I discovered what I liked to do, what I liked to eat, how I liked to dress, and how I liked to spend my time. It all became very freeing. Instead of putting others first, I put God first in my life and He has freed me and given me a new purpose.
So I will now take the class, make the soup, choose who to spend time with and stop making every decision for another’s comfort because I am worthy of my time.
Thank you, Sheri!