When the ground shakes:
Mother’s Day for estranged mothers

By Sheri McGregor, MA

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For moms with unhappy or estranged relationships with their adult children, the holiday doesn’t bring the fragrant mixed bouquet they might have once cherished. Mother’s day for estranged mothers very often delivers a mix of emotions: anger, sadness, worry, regret….

Everything may have changed, but you’re not alone. I hear from women all around the globe enduring this pain. Whether starting with a third-party adversary, a byproduct of mental illness or addiction, or for some other reason unknown to mothers, estrangement from parents and family has become a trend. In a recent interview, a journalist even approached me using that word (trend) as a way to describe the no-contact phenomenon.

While knowing this is common doesn’t negate the pain of Mother’s Day for estranged mothers, it can put things into a clearer perspective. Since so much has changed—society at large and your adult child(ren)—shifting your focus to adjust provides practical help. Here, using some nature examples, we’ll consider ways to honor yourself for the mother you’ve been and make needed changes to better mother yourself going forward.

The Herd that gathered—and scattered

Recently, during an earthquake felt in San Diego County where I lived most of my life, something beautiful unfolded. At the San Diego Zoo Safari Park, a herd of elephants formed a protective circle around the youngest calves. The adults faced outward in an “alert circle” to shield the young ones from danger. When the shaking stopped, the elephants wandered off in pairs, instinctively choosing connection.

This made me think of how human moms often gather strength in groups. Friends, family, and communities share burdens and show encouragement during the child-rearing years. It’s a natural social occurrence that many moms rely upon and value

One mother, Georgia, recalls a tight-knit circle that helped her as she mothered two sons. “School events, neighborhood barbecues, team-mom turns,” she says. “There was lots of mutual support.”

Then when her older son started using drugs and, eventually, became estranged, her old circle of friends and support got weird. Interactions grew awkward, invitations dried up, and Georgia’s once-supportive “herd” disappeared. She’s like many moms for whom the support group scattered when they needed understanding and companionship the most.

“It was like we were suddenly contagious,” says Georgia. “No one wanted to catch the nightmare that had befallen my family.”

The Swan Who Struggled Alone

The swan is regarded as a symbol of beauty, gliding effortlessly across the water. These elegant creatures are the epitome of grace and confidence.  Yet, beneath the surface, swans are like other waterfowls, with their feet paddling furiously in contrast to the effortless image they project.

In considering Mother’s Day for estranged mothers, I was reminded that some women have lived much of their lives this way. A polished, composed exterior presented to the world, yet sometimes struggling on the inside, working hard to hold themselves and their families together.

“People always told me I was calm,” says Marianne, a graceful, competent mother of three. “I worked full-time, volunteered on the side, and showed up at nearly every school event.” Underneath, Marianne battled exhaustion and anxiety. “I could barely keep up and was always behind, but I was the one everyone counted on.”

Marianne’s struggle was magnified by the silent heartbreak of a daughter who began pulling away and rejecting her. When her husband had an affair and the two divorced, their daughter grew cold. “Last year she got married without me there,” says Marianne. “Her choice. And now she has a baby on the way that I’ll probably never meet.”

The protective shell

Finally, let’s talk about Pat, a single mother who raised her daughter alone. The animal Pat most relates to is the turtle. Always a caretaker, Pat feels responsible for others’ feelings. Yet, when it comes to her own, she retreats into her shell.

Such self-protection has been a part of Pat’s survival. In her volatile family of origin, she kept her opinions to herself to avoid conflict. She continued this behavior with an abusive man she married and divorced at a young age, and then with her sweet daughter who grew mean as she matured into adulthood. Pat found herself pretending everything was normal, walling away her feelings and not admitting the truth about the abuser her daughter had become.

They’re now fully estranged and, although Pat doesn’t miss the chaos and hurt, she misses the daughter she once knew, her only living family. She also admits to a hardened exterior, wanting to let people in but fearful of exposing the truths of her life that make her vulnerable.

Can you relate?

Can you see yourself in the polished outward grace of a swan? Did you once enjoy the support and strength of a community where you now no longer fit? How about the turtle with its self-protective habits? Or perhaps there’s a different animal or another living thing that comes to mind, embodying the strengths and vulnerabilities magnified in estrangement.

Mother’s Day for estranged mothers can be a time of sadness and distress. Or, we can acknowledge the pain and see the reality of what is. Then we can look for hope within our own past strengths and vulnerabilities.

Mother’s Day: For estranged mothers, reflecting can be revelatory

Take a little time to reflect on the questions below. Use a pen and paper. Don’t censor yourself. Approach this exercise with a spirit of self-care and curiosity. Your private reflections about the past can be revelatory into how your history may affect you. Also to bridge the gap to a clearer, deliberate future where your own fulfillment and self-care is front and center.

• Where/when are you still paddling furiously when you could rest?
• Where/when are you hiding inside an old shell that no longer protects you?
• Where/when can you move toward authentic support, even if you feel vulnerable at first?

You have been the protector, the bearer of grace, the wise endurer. Now you can be the nurturer of your own life, your own heart.

Maybe it starts with a small act of kindness toward yourself such as resting when you’re tired. Or maybe you begin to speak up, honestly and with truth (even to yourself is a start). Perhaps you can hold your old support communities in a space of kindness and truth. In all honesty, before the tragedy of estrangement came into my life, I didn’t understand that it could happen to decent, loving parents who did their best to instill good values, support their child’s interests, and nurture their sense of self. (Yet here I am.)

Join a new herd

If you’re seeking a safe space to reflect, share, and connect, I warmly invite you to join the Done With The Crying Membership Community where you’ll find a supportive “herd” of fellow parents who understand and care. A discussion forum and live events (including the next one, Mythic Mirrors: Reflections on Motherhood, Identity and Becoming, May 8, 10 a.m. Pacific) become circles of safety to explore the complex situations of estrangement and how to manage them, as well as move parents gently toward their own growth and forward momentum. You are worthy of companionship, safety, and grace.

This Mother’s Day season, spend a little time reflecting on how your way of being supports you—or doesn’t. Then decide upon a few action steps to better take care of and mother yourself. Honor yourself for all that you have been and are becoming. Estrangements forces parents to change—and we can work together to make the changes useful ones that will serve us going forward.

Related

Elephants: The “alert circle” video

Parents of abusive or neglectful children: Purge “toxic” mindsets

Call it what it is: Abuse by adult children