Must you fully let go of estranged adult children to move forward
Must you fully let go of estranged adult children to move forward?
In the last several days, as I’ve done my early evening watering, I’ve noticed a change: there’s a brassier quality to the light as the sun dips down in the west. The shadows stretch farther, like the tentative fingers of autumn closing in on summer’s end.
Here, the afternoons are still in the 90s. The trees are full. The vegetable garden is mature. But the pond is low. The delicate, frilly blooms of slender tarweed dot the barren slopes like desert caravans on a pilgrimage to the next season.
Since moving to Northern California from the steadier climate of San Diego, I’ve noticed the subtle signs of the season shifting appear more definitively. The last weeks of August feel in-between—no longer carefree summer but also not yet fall. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much that resembles life beyond the early shock of your adult child’s silence.
Maybe you’re functioning again. Even enjoying your life in ways you could never have imagined possible in those early days. Yet you’re also not finished with the loss. One day you feel like you’re done crying, have accepted the situation for now, and are even healed. Then your mind wanders to them in the night.
The up, down, and all around of your emotions may frustrate you. You wonder: Will this ever end? Shouldn’t I be farther along by now? Will I ever truly let go of my estranged adult child?
You’re in a liminal space—the in-between gap of the life you knew and the one you’re moving toward.
Living on a threshold
Liminal space, or liminality, comes from the Latin limen, meaning threshold. It’s the idea of a transitional time, when the old way is ending but what’s next hasn’t fully taken shape. As a life coach, I’ve often worked with people in this uncomfortable in-between space, whether related to estrangement or other transitional life periods.
People crave certainty. And estrangement doesn’t provide that. To “let go” doesn’t feel quite right to parents for whom being Mom or Dad is forever.
A mother who always put that job ahead of any others feels lost. Did you plan the gatherings and keep the family connected? How can you do that now? Even when there are cut-and-dried “don’t contact me” instructions, it’s hard to believe your own child means forever, so how can you close the door?
A dad who spent years hoping for reconciliation may come to a momentous birthday and realize the hope he feels is no longer all about reconciling. But like many parents, even thinking about how to let go of estranged adult children brings a sense of guilt. You aren’t the one who walked away, yet you feel stuck in the in-between.
You may be at a point where you’ve stopped chasing but accept that there’s still room for hope. You miss your son and believe you always will, but you still enjoy your outing or a date with a friend. Or perhaps you recognize that you no longer want contact that brings your daughter’s abuse, but as you lie in bed at night, you think of the happy, solid girl you once knew—and tears fall.
For parents of estranged adult children, peaceful weeks can be interrupted by a wave of sadness. You may, at times, feel out of sorts. Are you healed? Still grieving? Moving forward? Or sliding back?
The in-between of a parent’s estrangement from adult children doesn’t hold the same promise of closure as the final weeks of summer, which always eventually shift into fall. The ambiguity of estrangement means there is no definitive sequence of stages that brings you neatly to an end. Even so, you can prompt yourself with facts, define what you want for yourself, and step confidently forward.
What is true for you now?
Let’s start with the good. Do you sleep a little better than you did? Can you send a holiday card or text without being devastated when there’s no reply? Have you begun gardening again? Or perhaps you’re traveling, exercising, and even laughing. Or you’re exploring something you’d long given up but now have time for—or trying something entirely new.
Wins like these aren’t consolation prizes. They’re victories to celebrate. And signs of your resilience.
In Beyond Done With the Crying: More Answers and Advice for Parents of Estranged Adult Children, I talk more about how your resources and other factors shape your individual resilience. I also explore how to recognize the resilience you already have. And how to make better use of its power.
Do you have to be “done” to let go of estranged adult children?
The last weeks of summer can’t be rushed. Lower nighttime temps still heat toward sizzling afternoons. The oaks are dropping some leaves while the crepe myrtle trees are ablaze with bright blooms. The plum trees are spent, while the apple trees are full of plumping fruit. More than an ending or beginning is happening.
Perhaps you can’t honestly declare that you’re healed or have fully let go of estranged adult children. You may still hope they’ll reconcile, recover from mental illness, or quit abusing substances. Being at an in-between place doesn’t mean you’re standing still. You can make your life meaningful now.
One way to do that is to notice what is already present and steadies, supports, and interests you. What helps you enjoy your life. You don’t have to know exactly what comes next to make good use of what is present now.
In an upcoming live membership meeting, we’ll explore this in-between space more fully and identify the individual resources that can help each of us move through it with resilience.
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16 thoughts on “Must you fully let go of estranged adult children to move forward”
I have to reread your books. When I first got them, my pain was raw. I was desperate to find answers because NOTHING made sense to me.
I am better now and recently finally accept reality.
No decent person does this to their parent out of the blue.
I didn’t recognize the signs. She has a problem regulating her emotional self. She was fine as a kid, but after high school, during those first years into her 20’s, she became someone I could have have imagined her to be. But that is WHO she is NOW, what she has decided to be. And that means she wants nothing to do with me because she can’t risk people finding out how much of her childhood she has erased, rewritten… as if she has an agenda and her early years doesn’t give her the excuses she needed to be the person she has chosen to be.
It’s ironic that this HUGE unimaginable grief is the very thing I needed to help me …. LET GO… which was something I thought proved I was a monster. That I could let go, and no longer try to connect, beg that the smearing would stop. All that she accused me were actually what she was doing to ME. The fraud. Stealing. A perculiar form of lying.
I NEEDED to let go so I could reclaim myself, not what she said of me, but reclaim my own place in my own life.
I am starting to reread your books now. I think there are gems in there that I didn’t see before, when I was so desperate for answers.
What a patient, kind person you are. It takes a lot of inner strength to help others while maintaining your own personal boundaries. I know I wanted to say, “I’m broken. FIX ME.” I’m okay enough now to see things as they are, and maybe I’m not so broke. Maybe I was just in a nightmare of being gaslighted, emotionally terrorized. Letting go means she doesn;t have any power over me anymore. I miss who I thought she was, but I don’t miss the nightmares.
I don’t think I can explain the enormity of my gratitude towards you. There are not the right words. You gave me my life back. That’s the short of it.
Katy,
Thank you for this. Yes it is necessary to face facts: they are this way, and I can still be me. I hope you will find the books helpful. Estrangement is complex. Sometimes, it reaches deeply inside us. It’s that old “peeling onion skin” analogy. One layer leads to another….
HUGE hugs to you. I’m grateful for you.
Sheri
I had thought I knew pain.
Then I lost my child. She has not wanted me in her life for 5 years now.
Complete silence.
The hollowness of my body and soul are bathed in pain.
Moments of peace, moments of joy are only wrappers for a core of endless bleeding inescapable pain.
My body and soul remain forever starved…for the way she looks, sounds, and feels.
My girl. My baby girl.
My heart aches, physically hurts, and the pain spreads in a never ending tide….never ending.
I thought I knew pain.
Then my child, my girl, my baby girl wanted me no more.
I apologized for whatever I could think of, for being me, for being alive, for not being what she wanted, for anything, and everything, and all.
She wanted me no more.
I lost my child. My only child. My baby girl.
I had thought I knew pain.
Turns out I didn’t have a clue.
Thankyou Sherie for this artical about the in-between stage. I think that gives a title to where I am now, and perhaps always will be The sadness of the estrangement is always with me, walking along side me but does not interfere with my life , my interests and other relationships. I do not wish to waste time dwelling on the estrangement but just let it be there while I get on with my life. Thankyou again Sherie Elaine.
Sheri, I can tell by this article that I didn’t react like most Moms did. Our daughter, came for a vs, few days later, got a text saying—“don’t text me, don’t write to me, don’t call me and don’t come to my house”. She lives in Dallas—us, South Louisiana. I wet several bath towels in tears for a few days, then I told my husband—“we have 2 options. We can lay up in this house, rot & die or we can live our lives. He said “I am on my way” and I said “I am right behind you”. It’s been 21 years, she is a stranger to me, I don’t spend much “mind” time on her. I have too much fun living left to do—I am 84. She chose to leave, I didn’t send her away. We have 2 other great kids!
Thank you. Been really sad lately. This helped. God bless
Thank you Sheri, this is something I have struggled with since my ES told me not to contact him again 1 1/2 yrs ago, though the estrangement has lasted for 2 1/2 yrs. He has blocked my calls and messages for the past 2 1/2 yrs. The do not contact came after I sent an email simply saying that his dad and I love him and miss him.
I twist myself into knots trying to understand the abrupt turnaround that occurred. I know it’s a common statement but I no longer recognize who he is or how he could conduct himself this way.
So I ask, what do I do? I honestly don’t know. I feel like I am the bad mother he proclaimed me to be by not doing anything. He has blocked all communication. We do not know where he is. I try to move forward but find no joy in doing so.
My spouse passed away. Nothing from our sons. It is crushing. But perhaps it is the closure that I needed to finally cut the cord. There is no one home there, and it isn’t healthy for me to hang on, in the hope they might reach out. I will carry them in my heart, but I am done.
Ann K,
“No one home there.” This is both simple and profound. Thank you for articulating it like that. And yes, sometimes it goes to a point where “t is no longer healthy” to reach out.
My condolences on the death of your spouse.
Hugs to you Ann.
Sheri McGregor
Once again, Sheri, you have described my thoughts and feelings perfectly. It has been 5 years since I saw my son and my 3 grandchildren. I found out they are expecting a fourth child that I will never know and I am dreading the depressing feeling that will follow when that event happens without me. My most irritating reaction people have when they hear of my situation is “He is missing out on having you as his mother and his children are missing out not having you as their grandmother.” NO THEY ARE NOT!!!! They don’t care!!!! I AM MISSING OUT and mourning their loss. No one gets it until they experience it. Not even therapists. I have a good one and she reminds me of the good things in my life and how to be “ present” but she really doesn’t get how I feel sometimes. Thank you Sheri for “getting it” and helping us go on with our lives even in our grief.
You’re welcome, Caro.
I completely understand people trying to cheer you up by saying that they’re missing out–because you’re wonderful and the people who say this want you to know they feel this way about you. However, yep. So often, the ones who estrange are just going on, not even thinking about the parents/grandparents. They ARE missing out though–on lots of love and wisdom. The parents are decided their kids don’t need to know the older generation. They’re depriving them of the opportunity. It’s so wrong.
Ugh. Thank you for your thoughts, Caro. Huge hugs to you,
Sheri McGregor
There needs to be a certain “doneness” in order to let go, at least for me. When I finally reached the point when I found I could no longer chase anymore, that it was not a healthy place for my adult children and it certainly was not a healthy place for me. Then I knew I was done. And it certainly was a relief. Still sad. But a relief. I was able to let go of expectations of ever getting a reply from them. For my ED, I know the cutoff is finished. There is no more contact. It is not safe to have a relationship with her.
For my ES, he is still low contact. I will no longer chase but I will notify him of family events like the passing of his grandparent and extend an invite to the memorial service . But I’ve dropped the expectation that he will reply much less attend. If he does, good. If he doesn’t, I’m okay. I miss my grandchildren dearly . But I’ve had to simply just accept that it is ES and DIL parenting choice. Chasing them has gotten me nowhere aside from heartbreak and anxiety.
It’s their life to live. And I have to live mine. And I still have a lot of living to do.
Marc, yes, “still have a lot of living to do.” — So true.
HUGS,
Sheri McGregor
I do not know if you can ever totally let go. I have come along way but its also been 15 plus years. I decided to clean out a closet and get rid of things. I found many things that belong to her from grade school and high school. My daughter was from middle school on in the highly gifted program. Not gifted highly gifted. She was in a small group of 67 in LA through the public school system. They were separated so. She was gifted with the ability to draw, design and make things and write. So I found her jewelry box she made, her portfolio of paintings, her original poems and poetry magazine awards and her book she wrote. She was a junior in high-school when she wrote it and a senior when it was published. She had the same teachers all through this high gifted program so as parents we were informed about this book when our kids were juniors. It was a college level writing class. After the parent meeting the teacher called me and said your daughter does not want you to read her book. Will you respect her wishes? I did. It was tough in her senior year when I had to bring it to a printer and have it bound like a book. I wanted to read it. I found that book recently. Her teacher had told me that it was beautifully written, raw and very personal. It was a first autobiography and needed at least 10 chapters with pictures and footnotes and there was a rubic to follow. Somehow she did it. I saw the graded rubic and it was tough including how many words were written and power sentences. Long story short, I found one copy of the book. If I look at objectively I would be impressed. As a mom I could be insulted because I am not mentioned once in the book. The person who graded it also made mention of that. Her book is incredible with stories that are vivid and sweet. Her favorite time was going to the pond feeding the ducks. She described their duck feeding method of buying the stale bread and cutting it just right. So sweet. So, I am not in it and she did not want me to read it. I do not know if I am insulted but I do know that is one more thing that will never be forgotten. The other personal things I put back on the shelf. I found a hat she made out of a upside down paper bowl more disturbing because she wrote things that were funny calling me her chauffeur and the house sanitation worker. .How do you forget stuff like this.
Dear Caro,
I wonder if any of the others in the program didn’t want their mothers to read the book? One the one hand, it seems like a teenaged thing. Like a privacy issue with a diary that’s personal. You know? But on the other…it would be interesting to know if they were encouraged to make the book about themselves and not about their parents. Maybe it’s far-fetched, but perhaps not. Just curious about the thrust of the program. If that hat was also made in the program, didn’t anyone wonder about the terms she used? It seems very hurtful to just make your mother the sanitation worker while you have been given honor as a child with exceptional talent and smarts. Perhaps some humility and gratitude could have been taught to even the program out a bit? How many of us parents were sanitation workers, doing the dirty work of keeping the household safe and environmentally healthy? Sheesh. We changed their diapers, wiped their noses, and did our best to support them.
Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. HUGE hugs to you.
Sheri McGregor
This article hits so many things I’ve been feeling lately. It’s been three years. I haven’t texted my son in 8 months because a text always has me hoping he’ll answer and he never has. Then I feel worse than I did before. I’ve been asking myself do I just give up?