Ask Sheri McGregor: How does my narcissistic daughter know when I’m vulnerable?
Dear Sheri:
I’ve noticed that my only daughter, very narcissistic, has some sort of radar. If I’m sick or have gone through something that makes me feel more alone than ever, she’ll suddenly appear. I don’t trust her anymore, but I used to think she was sincere and wanted me back in her life. She would usually come around on false pretenses of wanting to help. She’d eventually get me to give her money or something else and then leave me hurting more than if she’d stayed away. I know now she only returns to twist the knife. She’s a lot like my ex-husband, her father, who is definitely a narcissist. I spent decades with that man before realizing who and what he was. Now, when I’m going through something big, I don’t answer my daughter’s calls, but do I give off some sort of signal? Other narcissists have come into my life at weird, stressful times, too. New-to-me friends, neighbors who don’t talk to me unless they need me, and potential romantic partners who turn out to be married. What’s gong on? Do narcissists have a sixth sense?
Sincerely,
Tina B., Age 67, divorced
Dear Tina,
What you describe is common for those who have suffered narcissistic abuse. Self-serving characters seem to come out of the woodwork in times of vulnerability—and also in times of growth. It’s as if they show up to test newfound strength. Let me assure you, you’re not alone in your feelings. While you and your estrangement situation are unique, this question appears often. People wonder:
- Do narcissists have some special powers to notice who’s vulnerable to them?
- Do people who have been vulnerable to narcissists in the past give off signals that they’re still potential “fuel”?
Both may be true. Thanks for your email, Tina. Now, I’ll break this down in a regular blog post—for you and others who have suffered narcissistic abuse and have similar questions.
Hugs, – Sheri McGregor
At times, narcissists emerge from the woodwork: Why?
Many people—particularly those who have dealt with narcissistic abuse—report that manipulative, self-serving, or boundary-testing individuals seem to appear during their most emotionally raw or transitional times. The experience can feel almost supernatural, as if narcissists have a sixth sense.
Your vulnerability, the narcissist’s opportunity
People going through grief, illness, stress, or emotional upheaval often give off subtle cues they’re not even aware of. It’s energetic but not necessarily in a mystical or woo-woo way.
Narcissistic or self-serving individuals tend to be highly attuned to opportunity. They are skilled at spotting people they can flatter, influence, and use. And during vulnerable times, people very well may be giving off signals to someone looking for them.
People who are grieving, sick, or emotionally stressed may:
- Speak more softly
- Share more personal struggles
- Express uncertainty or self-doubt
- Appear withdrawn—or be unusually eager for connection
- Be less animated or appear to lack confidence
These are natural responses to pain, fatigue, or emotional distress. To a gentle person, they’re cues show kindness, compassion, and care. But to a narcissist, they signal something else: an opportunity to exploit.
Those high in narcissistic traits are gifted in social perceptiveness when it serves them. Studies suggest they are skilled at detecting emotional openness and vulnerability, which they may see as invitations for them to gain attention, support, or resources.1
In short, to those seeking narcissistic fuel, these subtle behavioral cues may look like you’re wearing a sign: Use me. I’m yours to manipulate. I will accommodate and comply.
Narcissistic abuse: When the boundaries break
Beyond how others perceive you, there’s also what’s happening inside you—and this is important. Grief, stress, and emotional overload of any kind can quietly erode the strength it takes to enforce boundaries, even when you know you need them.
You might:
- Answer a call or text you’d normally ignore
- Engage out of undue guilt
- Avoid conflict by being agreeable
- Second-guess your instincts (e.g., “Maybe this time it’s different…”)
- Rationalize red flags to avoid the pain of saying no
If you recognize yourself in these scenarios, give yourself some grace. None of this means you’re weak. Rather, you’re human. Stress of any kind takes up mental energy that’s needed for rational decision-making. While you and I might notice someone’s distress and choose not to trouble them with something we need, manipulative, narcissistic people push harder when they know your resistance is down. It’s a strategic move—whether they consciously think that through or not (a discussion for another article).
The bottom line is that emotional depletion of any kind reduces our ability to think clearly—and our decision-making and behavior will reflect that. We’re less capable of evaluating risk, asserting our boundaries, or resisting manipulation. Add the complexity of some of the scenarios manipulative people dream up, and it’s especially difficult to resist.3, 4
Your growth stirs testing
Not just vulnerability attracts the boundary-pushers. New levels of emotional strength, self-confidence, and even status can be similar beacons.
Many parents of estranged adult children tell me that just when they begin to heal and feel confident in strengthening internal boundaries or asserting outward ones, manipulators appear, sometimes repeatedly, to challenge them. This isn’t imagined. In family systems theory, this phenomenon is known as a form of homeostasis disruption: when one person changes, others in the system—especially those who benefited from the old dynamics—may unconsciously (or deliberately) try to push things back to the old “normal.” It’s similar to my thoughts about the family being like a set of windchimes, which I wrote about in BEYOND Done With The Crying, except it’s more about control and less about adapting.
Some narcissists become more aggressive or intrusive when others assert autonomy or distance themselves, viewing independence as a threat to their control or identity.4
Your strength and growth are personally beneficial—but a narcissist wants the old you back.
Your brain looks for patterns
Humans have built-in survival mechanisms, and one of those is to learn from danger and recognize it when it reappears. So, if you’ve been hurt by narcissistic abuse before, your brain is more attuned to that danger ahead. Your alarm bells may ring at a new acquaintance’s controlling tone, a neighbor’s small talk that feels manipulative, or a potential partner’s red flags.
Your increased awareness can make it seem like narcissists are everywhere. The good news is that you may just be identifying their behaviors earlier—rather than getting caught up first and figuring it out later (as may have happened in the past). So, it does seem like they’re everywhere.
It’s also true that awareness can come in waves. After a time of grief, for example, as the emotional fog lifts, you might begin noticing dynamics you overlooked while in distress. Or, in periods of healing and growth, the old patterns that used to sneak up on you suddenly stand out—because you’ve changed. It’s also possible that a developmental life stage increases awareness. Midlife reflection, hormonal changes, or accumulated experience blend and contribute to your attunement, so you notice what you’re no longer willing to ignore.5,6
The psychological terms for this are selective attention or heightened pattern detection, which is especially common among those with a history of emotional manipulation, narcissistic abuse, or gaslighting.7
What once passed for normal, or perhaps as something you needed to fix, or take the blame for—suddenly rings loud and clear.
Your history in your habits
If you’ve been entangled with narcissists before, you may have unconscious relational habits that signal vulnerability to those who are similar to your past abusers. For example, you may:
- Be over-accommodating to other people to keep peace
- Avoid confrontation
- Prioritize others’ needs over your own
Relational patterns strongly influence later vulnerability to emotionally manipulative relationships.8 These patterns may have been necessary for your survival or belonging in the past but they can broadcast this signal: I’ll make room for you, even if it costs me.
In adulthood, it’s wise to become aware of these patterns. Awareness is the first step to positive change. We must see other people more clearly, and we also need to see ourselves with the same clarity.
Old habits may have once protected peace. New, intentional ones can preserve your emotional safety and keep you free of manipulative influence.
You and narcissistic abuse: Final Thoughts
If you’re like Tina, with a narcissistic daughter or others showing up just when you’re weakest—or strongest—you’re not imagining it. Psychological, relational, and even neurological reasons create this dynamic. What matters most is recognizing this as evidence of your evolving awareness.
Each time you spot these people and their behaviors, give yourself a pat on the back. You’re growing and changing for the better. Then stand your ground. You don’t have to be loud about it either. You can choose not to answer or engage, for example. In this way, you take charge.
In the future, I’ll be sharing more material—likely inside the membership—on how to recognize these patterns sooner, protect your energy, and stay steady when tested. If this resonated with you, keep an eye out. There’s more to come.
Related
My adult child is a narcissist: Is it my fault?
Adult children who reject parents: Why do they make contact now?
References
1 Weiss, B., & Miller, J. D. (2018). Trait empathy and its relationships with narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. Personality and Individual Differences, 123, 168–174. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2017.11.025
2 Gianaros, P. J., & Wager, T. D. (2015). Brain-body pathways linking psychological stress and physical health. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 24(4), 313–321. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721415581476
3 McEwen, B. S., & Sapolsky, R. M. (1995). Stress and cognitive function. Current Opinion in Neurobiology, 5(2), 205–216. https://doi.org/10.1016/0959-4388(95)80028-X
4 Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2007). The narcissistic self: Background, an extended agency model, and ongoing controversies. In C. Sedikides & S. Spencer (Eds.), The self: Frontiers of social psychology (pp. 115–138). Psychology Press.
5 McEwen, B. S., & Morrison, J. H. (2013). The brain on stress: Vulnerability and plasticity of the prefrontal cortex over the life course. Neuron, 79(1), 16–29. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuron.2013.06.028
6 Lupien, S. J., McEwen, B. S., Gunnar, M. R., & Heim, C. (2009). Effects of stress throughout the lifespan on the brain, behaviour and cognition. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 434–445. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2639
7 Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Muraven, M., & Tice, D. M. (1998). Ego depletion: Is the active self a limited resource? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1252–1265. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.74.5.1252
8 Levy, K. N., Ellison, W. D., Scott, L. N., & Bernecker, S. L. (2011). Attachment style. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 67(2), 193–203. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.20756
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17 thoughts on “Ask Sheri McGregor: How does my narcissistic daughter know when I’m vulnerable?”
OMG – to hear these stories is so sad. That there is so much of this estrangement happening to good people. My daughter has been estranged from me for 6 years now. I have had all the emotions described shaming, judgement… much pain and suffering. I have moved on to some degree – stop crying but there is always a hole in my life. Your words are encouraging. I am 78 now and just want to try and find peace for the rest of my years.
Thank you firstly for all the comments on your narcissistic daughter and for the reply that Sheri gave. Most helpful to say the least. Feel it is a strong possibility my son who is 40 now could be narcissistic also. So will need to learn as much as possible to be able to deal with it all in a way for my sanity. As he is not the son who was so caring and had a heart with lots of compassion and empathy. Do know he was on cocaine and don’t know if that is still the case and also he is addicted to alcohol, which is another drug too and really not good. Yet he has a very good job so far and manages to be doing very well financially, so not sure if he is high functioning or what it is. So have had the verbal abuse for way too long and it has started to change for the better now however, still room for improvement and feel that is up to me with setting the boundaries.
So will keep learning and getting stronger and who knows what will expire in the long run.
Thank you Sheri for all the important information and hopefully it will get better as time goes on with what I learn and change in myself too.
And here I thought I was the only one with a narcissistic daughter! The best thing I ever did was removing myself from her life! I only wish I’d done it decades ago. I’m a very gentle, compassionate, loving and kind soul. She was murdering it all these years! Never again!
Dear Sherri, I am so very thankful that I found your books and this site. I have been so very deeply distressed that my youngest, 43, decided she “doesn’t want me in her life” because I won’t support her the way she wants to be supported and because i don’t care. I feel she is being psychologically abused by her husband. Professionals who are very familiar agree. But she doesn’t see it and chooses to stay in that relationship. Even worse, I have provided years of caring for their three young children and lots of financial support. Now they refuse to let me see the children telling me that they must protect the children from me !! I am heartbroken and feel they are telling the children my sudden absence is my choice. And they seem to be blaming me for their sudden stress and financial difficulties.
I have spoken to a family lawyer about “grandparent rights”. which are extremely limited and our legal systems protect the parents and there is very little protection for grandparents. I have been heart broken. But your books and this forum have helped me so very much.
Thank you so much for sharing all the information and experiences of others. It has been a huge help to me. I have realized my situation is far from unique. And though i played a part, I did my best in a difficult situation during an era of changing values. Of course, being human, I have my own developmental issues some of which I am just becoming aware of.
I feel much better and can enjoy my life with many other friends and relatives. i also am developing lots of new friends and activities I am enjoying so very much.
I have only read about a quarter of your first book. I read a few pages and visit this site almost daily.Its slow going as I process thru it all.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for this. This has been happening for years. I’m depressed much of the time and try to keep my only daughter away. She does seem to come around when I’m becoming stronger and setting boundaries. The children suffer and are confused. They don’t know if their supposed to love me or not. I’m so glad I read this and am not alone. Thank you
Our daughter-in-law has narcissistic traits (and is likely a narcissist). I believe that she 100% had much to do with our daughter estranging from my husband and me. A few times in my life I’ve felt the presence of evil in someone I happen to meet. And I have that feeling with her. My son’s wife.
Thank you for the article. It perfectly describes what I have experienced with my adult daughter, whom I am now estranged from. After years of disrespect and disregard, her behavior escalated into abuse and cruelty. I took it and ignored it because of my 2 grandchildren, whom I adored. They were here with me every week, had their own room and playroom. I thought I was helping my daughter by babysitting (with many overnights) and she took full advantage. I noticed that her behavior as well as her husbands was increasingly distant and contemptuous. I normally just overlooked it but after coming home from work one night to find that my daughter, who was staying with me before a cross-country move, had invited a friend with children over. My house was destroyed; the kids had obviously had free rein for hours and were all unsupervised in my yard that contained a small pond. When I asked (out of earshot of her friend) why she hadn’t let me know about her guests, she attacked. Normally, I would crumble, apologize and try to make peace. In this instance, I stood my ground. THAT infuriated her. She was pregnant with her third child at the time, she was yelling and swearing at me and grabbed the children and left. I of course tried to talk her out of it but to no avail. My poor granddaughter was sobbing and pleading with her not to leave. It was horrible! That was in April. I did attempt to make contact with text and email, but she waited until Mothers’ Day to send a scathing email stating that she and her family were doing great and that she does not want to spend “the effort necessary to deal with me”. I have not seen or been able to speak to children since that night. She has since had her 3rd baby. I reached out to say congratulations and asked if I could send a gift and was ignored. My heart breaks for the kids and how they must have felt then and now to have been so viciously torn from a family member in that way while moving across the country to a new home. I am in therapy and have been since this happened.
Hi sheri, this thread is very well timed for me.
I feel I have had my eyes wide shut.
I ignored the red flags as was Optimistic that my son and family had turned a corner after 7 years estranged.
I can see that my new strength due to the reconciliation has been a threat to my daughter in law .
They have accused me of playing mind games which ludicrous,
I am stepping right back and find I am dreading any message as the outcome can only be damaging for my mental health,
I am devastated that my son has written me off a second time.
This is my very first post ever, anywhere. I am new to this group and glad to find others who understand the cruelty. I am drawn to your comment “eyes wide shut”. My daughter is clearly a narcissist who has cut off communication and contact with me because i set a limit with her and her husband last month. Her explanation is if I can’t support her the way she wants to be supported then she doesn’t want me in her life. Retrospectively. I am realizing her pattern; she has done this many times (not so blatantly) since her father died 25 years ago (she was 19 at the time and i excused a lot of her behavior because of this) This time she and her (second) husband are forbidding me contact with their 3 children to whom I am closely bonded. This week she actually sent me a letter demanding that i do not contact her or stalk her or try to in any way. In the last sentence she says she must protect herself and her family from me! It is presented as a legal document delivered via certified mail. But it was not. Now that I am recovering from the initial shock and hurt, I realize it’s ridiculous. This is extremely painful and feels cruel and abusive. I have finally come to the realization that it is abuse. I am also gradually realizing that I am not responsible for her, or her children or her choices. I am very slow in this department! I am also slowly realizing and accepting that i do not have to respond when she comes to ask for help. I always end up hurt badly. She is an adult fully responsible for her choices and her children. I also realize that she is unlikely to develop insight or change. She and her husband are likely to continue this nastiness over and over. I am responsible for taking care of my wellbeing so I can enjoy the remainder of my life. i fully intend to do so. Probably be much easier without her in it.
Hi Sheri,
Thank you so much for the eye opening article you provided for us . In many places this article resonates with me and reminds me of my son when once I refused to attend a mother’s day pool party and we left town. Two days later my husband and I were so guilt driven and sad thinking our son had forgotten us and he no longer wanted us in his life , because we did not get a happy mother’s day phone call that day.
But to our surprise , our son called his dad on the Tuesday that week asking him why I did not return his phone call on mother’s day and if we were thinking of abandoning him and he asked my husband to have me call him when I came home. I did call him that night and first he apologized for his cold and inappropriate behavior and if anything else he had missed , then suddenly he rosed up and told me I actually am the one who needs to apologize to him for not inviting them and his kids on the Friday night we got together with our daughter and her family . I felt like I was thrown out the window or I got hit by a car ,and felt out of place and felt like his wife had probably walked in the room and he wanted to show off in front of her by saying that. Then he asked me to start inviting them and including them on our gatherings on Friday night and also for Passover and I jumped to joy and gladly accepted that and in return I asked him I would do that in one condition that he calls his dad and I and talk with us like a son and he needs to do that every week which he said yes to. We were all so happy and joyful and thought some miracle just happened to us and our family, that everything was back to normal and happy children and grandchildren but no sooner that things went back to the way they were before our resuming family gatherings. He started to become distant and cold and insulting but I did not get that until I felt sick of him and his wife treating us poorly and like a second hand citizens. I felt that I have been used and so did my husband. I felt like my son has become a liar and cheat and more like a charlatan. And things has been like that ever since and even worse, I can say .
Thank you for listening
Ziba
I am thankful I was led here today! I found this website and bought the first book years ago when my 2nd daughter rejected me. What happened 11/24 I haven’t gotten over or been healed from yet! My oldest daughter disowned and abandoned her disabled daughter my Granddaughter for a “younger” man. This has caused deep soul wounds for my autistic Granddaughter and myself! Now I see more clearly what I have to do! It’s been a mess with the Courts and adult protective services BUT she can no longer advocate for my Granddaughter or act in any way on her behalf… I’m still trying to figure this one out!
My friend sent this to me. You are certainly very astute and a wonderful resource on this topic. Thank you for caring and providing invaluable information. We live in a very narcissistic self absorbed/ isolated time in history. I believe that God wrote about this through Timothy in 2 Timothy, chapter 3:1-4.
Absolutely excellent article, Sheri. Spot on. This information helps hurting parents to see the reality of our situations. Reminds us we are not imaging things. Thank you. I’ve also found that separating myself from “self-absorbed” people is helpful. More helpful than my old pattern of trying to change them. I might keep some contact, like social ties, but I don’t give trust or true friendship, don’t share my vulnerabilities, etc.
Yes. I am working on thinking about my response to the request for help that will inevitably come sooner or later. i have definitely lost trust and will guard myself from being hurt again. i am NOT responsible to care for her anymore!
Very interesting and helpful, as always, Sheri! It makes sense now that the worst problems with my 43-year-old daughter flared out right when I had a serious cardiac problem, and she found out about it and began tormenting me after a long phase of relative quiet. I had not put this together until reading this article. Thank you, once again!
Just what I needed! I recently reconciled if you can call it that, actually was allowed contact with my daughter after 7.5 years of estrangement that included a few texts.
I also have 2 adult step kids that I now see were estranged on some level for decades.
Anyway silly me I thought that since they are 43, 47 and 49 plus their dad has dementia that they might have matured and would be respectful. I went in deep dive unconditional love and yep gobsmacked AGAIN by all 3.
Unfortunately they are still embroiled in the dysfunction and I’m still the scapegoat. I plan to backoff w/o chaos and not participate in my own abuse. ❤️❤️
So glad I read this. I’ve experienced the reactions. I’ve.endued being abused.by my daughter, a property management company and some people in my condo…all happening at the same time. The incidents are over but I’m exhausted. It’s been 3 months. This article provided me with my own awareness. I will have to isolate myself till I get stronger. I feel lonely but that’s ok. I can’t endure any more abuse. I have become less needie solitude is appreciated.