Ask Sheri McGregor: What about old photos of estranged adult children?
Laura, an estranged mother, wrote:
“I’m curious what your thoughts are about memorabilia and old photos of estranged adult children still on display around the house.”
Sheri McGregor’s reply:
Dear Laura,
Once upon a time, family photos adorned many of my home’s walls. They ran the gamut:
- Pictures from amusement park rides with our mouths open in screams.
- Disposable camera pics snapped at zoos, museums, and parks.
- A zillion candid moments when my kids were caught just being who they were.
I used to spend hours poring through photographs. Then I’d piece them together and hang poster-sized collages with smaller framed portraits. I loved those colorful, creative displays of our cherished memories.
When my son left our family, some of the pictures proved tough to look at. Was his smile there even real? Was he as happy as he looked? When had he changed his mind about us? Overall, though, at least for me, photos of my estranged adult child proved historical truth. We were happy. My son did have a good life. I was a good mother.
In time, as the family landscape changed with marriage, births, and deaths, so did the displays. I put some photos away entirely until, eventually, only a few of my son, the ones in collages, stayed out. Two pictures come to mind as I write this. One of my handsome 8th grade son, dressed as a pioneer during history class. Its sepia tone and his serious expression enhanced its period look. The second photo that comes to mind is my darling two-year old who had one day donned a straw hat and smiled sweetly from beneath its fraying brim.
Even now, after a decade and a half of estrangement, my throat constricts a little as I think of these memories of the wonderful son who left our family. It’s sad that he somehow lost sight of himself and the family where he once belonged.
When we moved five years ago, I chose not to hang the old photos. While our move was a good choice, it nevertheless held sadness. We left an old dream of the family home where all of my children grew up and would forever be welcome. But in this new place, we’re moving forward in new ways. So far, the hallway holds a single family portrait of the rest of us, taken our first Christmas here. It’s not that I want to erase the past, and will probably one day choose a few older ones to display, but pictures can bring up pain. (link)
Getting back to Laura’s question about photos of estranged adult children, my final answer is this: You need to do what’s right for you.
One client whose autistic son doesn’t come around much said she’d gaze at his baby photo in her bedroom and worry that he was okay. The solution was to remove that photo—which reminded her of the child who had once struggled.
For Laura and any parent grappling with what to do with photos (and other memorabilia) of an estranged adult child, I’ve come up with a few questions to help you decide how best to support yourself. Gently consider each, taking notes if that feels right to you. Don’t rush. You’re worth your own best efforts.
- When you see the photo, do you feel joy or sadness? Tense or relaxed?
- If the photos bring distress, how much? How long does it take for you to recover?
- Do you look at the photo intentionally, or does it “catch you off guard”?
- Does the photo remind you of your love, or of your loss?
- Are you keeping the photo because you want to or are you compelled in some way, perhaps out of guilt or fear?
- Would removing or storing the photo feel like betraying your love, or like caring for your own peace?
- Could relocating the photo to a drawer or keepsake box help you feel more emotionally safe?
- Have you given yourself permission to revisit this decision later?
- Are you motivated to make the decision because of space concerns? And if so, do you feel must you make a permanent decision now?
- How might changing the visual landscape of your home reflect your healing path?
If you are still uncertain about photos or other memorabilia, consider a test run and reflect. Try purposefully noticing the photo(s) for a few days and reflect on how it makes you feel. Then, for another few days, put the photos away for safekeeping somewhere out of sight. Do you feel differently in general, or do you miss seeing it? Be sure and notice what thoughts come to mind around not having the photos out. (If any. Perhaps for you it will be out of sight, out of mind, which can be indicative of how much you’ve grown to accept the situation or are moving on with your own life.) You might also bring the photos out again and look them over. Do you want to hang them up? Does seeing them hit you any differently than they did before?
For some, making a final decision comes quickly. For others, an exercise such as the one here helps to reveal feelings that might be hindering them from taking action or coming to terms with a past of love and closeness and the equal truth that their child, and perhaps their own feelings, have changed.
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49 thoughts on “Ask Sheri McGregor: What about old photos of estranged adult children?”
After 3 years of NC and then my EC reached out stating to never contact them through any means, I had my answer as to what to do with all the scrapbooks and keepsake boxes that held first lock of hair, first shoes , first birthday outfit, etc… . Slowly as I am actively downsizing as I prepare to move to a smaller home, many of their pictures were taken down. But all the scrapbooks and keepsakes are now gone from my home. All of their books have been donated along with their toys . Now I still have the cat they abandoned when they left.
I had been a single parent from the time my child was 14 months old. After the vicious estrangement forced on me, I ended up discarding every photo I had with my son in it. I still have photos of my grandchildren in a box (I never look at them), but will discard that once they are all adults.
I already removed the few I had up. I was never big into having a ton of photos out so I usually just had one from the baby years and one recent photo.
But I have TONS of albums and photos in boxes. I plan on going through them carefully and cutting myself out of any I want then having a ceremony and burning the rest.
I also plan on burning any keepsakes that have no value and selling any that do and using that money to install a chair lift for my stairs so I can age in place. I’m young but the stress of estrangement caused me to have strokes so my son’s valuable vintage toys can help take care of me since he won’t. And if my grandchild feels he missed out on these special toys I packed with care and stored for years for him, he can take it up with his father.
Thank you to all who have posted on this one; I kept saying “me, too” to so many replies.
My daughter has gone back and forth with me, but this time… this year is likely her last rejection.
So, it’s a fresh OLD wound for me. I can’t seem to get it right. I don’t know how to make a connection with her. I look at her photos from all our years together, and I search her face for clues. Some I know were joyfilled moments that she later denied ever happening (the year we bought her a car for Christmas, and later she told people we forced her to pay for it herself.) I swear she was happy. But then, was she just performing?
I don’t know.
And … I don’t think it matters anymore.
Thank you for your posts, they fit my situation so much, so I am glad to read the wisdom they have contained. This has really helped me. I have stopped bargaining and avoiding. I have accepted the truth and said “ENOUGH”.
Had to take them down. Too painful as she is a different person than we raised her to be.
I have to agree with Luann after my family dynamic changed with my adult daughter and now her older sister now is siding with her! It’s so hard I had to remove all photos off the walls as well as on the refrigerator as it caused me so much heartache & pain I can’t take the conditional love she is throwing at me~Sheri thank you so much I’m so happy I found you and I need so much work as I’m so lost but exhausted trying to keep our family bond together I need help to think of myself and give back what I’ve lost…thank you for your wonderful article…
All our family photos are stored away—too painful even after 14 years of estrangement. I only have one photo on display: my recently-deceased mother. Throughout my formative years, she suffered from debilitating depression and migraines. She was often absent and unavailable. In her later years, she sometimes said horribly-cruel words to me. But I knew she loved me and that she did the best she could. Her photo reminds me that imperfect parents are still worthy of great love, honor, and respect. I miss her dearly!
I made a photo album for my son when they had children. I believe I own one framed portrait of him at about age 3 but I threw everything away after year 12 of estrangement. It’s better for me not to see photos of my son. With the holidays and his birthday coming up it’s hard enough. Now I really cannot visualize him or remember his voice. Sad but I don’t like the person he grew up to be.
Thanks for all of your comments. It helps to know I am not alone and to understand why children chose to rewrite history to break away. I focus on the years when we were together and know that I did everything possible to make sure my child had a good life. I know she did, and I know that’s all I can do. She has a new life now and a different family, in which I understand I do not fit. I wish her and my grandchildren well.
I felt sad whenever I saw old photos of my estranged son and wanted to put them away, but my husband wants to celebrate that we did have a joyous time raising him by leaving this photos out. We’ve compromised, I put most away and let a few out. I think slowly as time goes on, it’s been two years now, the photos will start to go away.
I have found peace and resolution by looking at estrangement as a divorce. You cannot make someone love you or want what you have to offer. I have always felt that divorce is one of the saddest of life’s experiences because at one time the couple loved each other very well and couldn’t get enough of each other––until they didn’t. A divorce prism allows for the reality that family love existed and was real––we loved each other very well until we didn’t. Chasing adult children who no longer want the relationship is as futile as chasing a spouse who no longer wants the marriage. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described the grief process of loss whether through death, divorce, or estrangement as: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Acceptance is the final stage of the grief process because it allows you to move on with your life, and divorce is the prism that makes acceptance possible. So, enjoy your photographs and remember the time when love prevailed, then accept the reality that that was then and this is now––and your suffering will finally end.
Our daughter deserted our family 20 years ago. Came for a visit one Sunday afternoon, walked out of the house, with no sign of what she was feeling. Shortly thereafter, she let me know— don’t call, text or write to me and don’t come to my home. I don’t think many will understand how I feel because most of the notes have not be estranged as long. I don’t think about her much, she is a stranger now, and she won’t, but can never just waltz back into my life—I couldn’t trust her not to leave again. I am 84 and she is 57 now.
I put all my son’s photographs away, along with my granddaughter’s photos, quite early on in our estrangement. I found them too disturbing. We are back in touch but it’s more like a half relationship now, he says he doesn’t want to be close to us and because of all the pain of the last few years we don’t either.
I have put a photograph of my two granddaughters out again and it makes me smile but there is still a sadness because I have lost the closeness that I once had with them.
After 3+ years of no contact with my 2 oldest adult daughters and no explanation why I made I reached out and asked what they wanted me to do with all of their yearbooks and childhood memorabilia. I told them if I did not hear from them, I would assume they did not want it and I would throw it away. I got no response or acknowledgement to my phone calls, text messages, emails. I also never heard anything when I would send cards, gifts to them or their husbands and the grandkids on holidays and birthdays- nothing. Finally, since I could. It bring myself to throw their things away, I boxed everything up along with a their baby photos and photos of them over the years and shipped it to them. No card. No letter. No explanation. I had no words to say. I have no photos of them out. O have not seen or spoken to them in over 5 years. I do t even know what my 3 granddaughters look like and I was there when they were born. The picture are in my memory and that is enough until I see them again one day in this life or the next.
How about the I phone pictures , coming up every day with memories of old times?
I have the opposite issue. ED has all of our family photos due to us moving out of state, she moved close to us a year later, then cut us off. We’ve requested return for the last 6 years with no response. There are many pictures of my grandparents, family back to late 1800’s and I’d like to save them digitally to share with everyone. Nothing to lose with ED, I’ve considering getting an attorney.
I have photo frames of my family and individual photos of my children all over the main living spaces. Upstairs, I used to have a large wall with a nice arrangement of coordinated frames – individual photos of my kids and a big family photo. After the estrangement from our daughter (and my two grandchildren), I kept the arrangement up on the wall for years. I just recently took down all of those wall photos and replaced it with a big art piece. I was just ready and it was almost an out of body experience. I just did it. I realized this was a sign I was finally healing from being “stuck” in grief and despair for way too long (complicated grief). So, I looked up at that wall and resolutely thought: “this is not my family anymore.” I bought more frames downstairs and had fun adding new photos of my other children, their spouses and grandchildren who are still in my life. I also added a couple of my husband and I to celebrate US (we are empty-nesters now). Things feel fresh and new now in the house. It changed me a little bit. I feel like it was a step I needed to take and was ready to take to move forward in my life.
This is great advice and a wonderful set of questions, Sheri (as always!).
Here’s what I did about the estranged daughter’s hundreds of photos. In a failed effort to reconnect with her, I had hopefully created a gift for her a few years ago: I selected favorite photos from every year of her life, between ages 0 and 24 (we put her through college too, of course), had them digitized, and made a dozen photo books of the digitized images, each one featuring two years of her life. Such adorable pics of her, her friends, our home, our family, our pets, our holidays, vacations, her first steps, her school plays and chorus performances, her sports achievements, scenes from her big games, sleepovers, birthday parties, camping out, going places and doing things together, moving her into and out of her dorms, her graduations, etc..
I sent her those books, but apparently, the close documentation of two decades of her life as our child infuriated the estranged daughter, and showed up her narratives about her “terrible childhood” as completely false.
So, evidently some truth was in those photos that she did not want her social media flying-monkeys (and her therapist) to see. This struck me at first as horrifying, and I apologized and asked her to send them back, but then I realized how vindicating it is: the proof is right there in those photobooks, and she can’t edit all that out, or rewite the narrative.
It’s right there in full color: We were good parents. We weren’t perfect. but we totally do not deserve to be treated like dirt, libelled, slandered, yelled at, snarked at. One of my longterm friends who saw these books and paged through them and said “wow—this was decades of some damned good parenting! She’s got to feel like a big liar now.”
I think they call it “cognitive dissonance.” Very uncomfortable for her to see all that, I guess.
I also took down all the other photos of her and stored them in boxes; when I die, she will receive those boxes and the other memorabilia I carefully saved of her childhood—her christening gown, all the dresses and costumes and outfits I sewed for her over the years, her awards, her certificates, her artwork, all carefully saved.
We have changed our wills to give the estate to the institutions we have long volunteered with and given to, where the funds will be appreciated and well used to help others. We are also living our own lives joyfully now and not focusing on the past. We have realized that PARENTING IS A ROLE, IT IS NOT A LIFE. We’re living our lives NOW. I’m less sad every day, now that the photos have been archived safely and are no longer upsetting me as I walk past them.
Those photos and the memorabilia of her carefully- and lovingly-parented life are now her only legacy from us. Her choice.
Thank you Sheri; and good luck to all of us who are caught in this epidemic.
I am in the same situation. My three kids have been estranged from me for 9yrs and the wall on my stairs is still filled with their photos. Soon I’ll be moving and that move, that new location, will create new memories. As a result, I will not be posting the photos of my “past” and allow my new home and new memories to fill my home with photos!!
Another fantastic piece.
My eyes weep for all of us that are here and experiencing the same shared heartache. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
Stay strong dear parents. Have faith. Offer your suffering to God. That’s all I can do in my situation, and it has given me peace. This article is the first time I’ve cried in a while, bringing back the memories. I was photo mad (a photographer even, for 5 years) and have so many pics of my kids. It breaks my heart, but also like those above and the article, it does help my heart to know how many happy memories we had shared together, amongst the difficult times too.
Sheri~
We’re not alone, by any means. The much-loved writer Kurt Vonnegut also suffered. This is from a 2022 documentary, “Kurt Vonnegut: Unstuck in Time”:
“Sadness is an interesting emotion. You really don’t know how anything’s gonna hit you. And I can’t bear to look at photo albums, ’cause they just make me terribly sad. I . . . I think of all that’s gone and will never come back.”
I’m in the same boat. Cut off per the transgender cult guidelines. 🙁
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It is awful what is being allowed to our children and young adults, and awful what they have been brainwashed to believe.
100%. We are living in a post rational, anti family, anti love culture. This is intentional because cultural Marxists hate families.
I kept all her pictures but put them away. Then years later I moved to a different state. Without a thought, I packed them up and moved them but never unpacked them. They are all in the garage. This is my house now, not my house and the kids’ house. This is my new life and I find I don’t think about her. She’s gone. Has been for a long time.
Yes, it’s a difficult decision to make when items have precious memories. When the pain is greater than the remembrance I chose to remove the photos, even past gifts into boxes. Will they ever be brought out again? Unlikely, sigh.
Two of my three adult children are estranged, one for 11 years, one for five years. I realized only in the last couple of years, that photos were a trigger for me spiralling into paralysis and grief.
This past summer, while I was away for awhile, my landlord painted my place. Also, this summer during the month of July, I had done a solo art exhibit of artwork that I created of my now home province Nova Scotia. I chose paint that would look good with Maritime scenes. Then on return from holidays, I put up past exhibit artwork on my walls. My place kind of looks like a Maritime gallery. It has been so healing. I attribute it to the triggers being removed, and the peaceful artwork being on display. Truly out of sight, out of mind of my children’s photos.
The one child that is not estranged, they and their partner still have a few photos – on the fridge, on a bookshelf.
One day, when I feel stronger, I will sort through old photos, and the baby books, and send them to the one child that is not estranged. This child said they would pass them on to the other children.
Pictures of my children were once displayed throughout our home. I was so proud of the kids and seeing the photos of them growing up brought me great joy.
Our oldest, a daughter, estranged us in her style – dramatic and big. Seeing pictures of her make me physically ill. I was always careful to display equal numbers of pictures of all of the kids. Now that I can’t bear seeing her face, I have removed all of the photos.
Its another area of great sadness for me.
After reading all these stories of pain and heartbreak, I realise why, having moved house 2.5 years ago, I only have a framed photo of my late husband on a wall (bedroom). All other framed family photos are in a pile beside my laptop, or in a box here beside me. I do have art on the walls, but I can’t face sorting/hanging evocative photos of my deceased estranged son, and my youngest daughter who divorced me 2 years ago. I have tried, but have had no contact with her children or their babies in all this time. My daughter ignored me at a family funeral and again at a family wedding, so I really do love the remaining lovely contacts I have with my middle children, the grandchildren and great grandchildren; what joy they bring! I do love my missing daughter, and pray for her and eventually a reunion.
We also moved, far away, where there are no memories around every corner for me (us) to endure. When I set up the new house, I didn’t put any photos up of anyone. My estranged only child (a daughter) (of over 1 year now) is also an artist. So I have many, many drawings, paintings, and things she built or created from grade school to graduate school. Everything went into storage to deal with at a later time.
It does help, A LOT. It gives me time to catch my breath and wrestle with all the emotions that come with estrangement without random memories catching me offguard. I feel more in control of the situation and the pictures and the artwork are still there should I feel strong enough to take a peek at them.
Hugs for you all!
I decided to box all photos of my son and my grandchildren whom l have no relationship or contact with. Looking at the photos breaks my heart. I can’t keep crying or going over my loss. My door is always open but l know my son won’t be coming back. My beautiful boy is profound in my mind of childhood memories. Pain engulfs my heart at our separation and tears tumble down my cheeks. The past has gone and the present is cold and empty. Unanswered questions remain l am healing as the years drift by. These articles help me to know l am not alone and add some comfort as my journey continues. I take great strength and comfort in the relationship l have with my daughter and grandchildren who are in my present life. Love and healing to you all
When my estranged son decided not to have contact it broke my heart. After moving areas to distance myself from him I eventually destroyed all the wedding photos I lovingly put in a beautiful album as it seemed an unreal feeling. I kept the album the photographer took as it doesn’t have the same sentimental feeling, at least not for me, albeit I don’t open it. The photos of him growing up are still in albums but I don’t get a happy feeling looking at them.
Until I joined this group I never realised there were so many parents in my situation.
Take care everyone.
Going on 10 years now but I keep the photos packed away. It is too painful to view them. She is an only child so I find it difficult that I will not be able to pass on the old photos of my parents, grandparents and other family members. Not only am I rejected but I feel generations before will be lost.
My husband and I chose to remove the photos. Like many mentioned that the gallery walls or framed pictures on mantles bring many different emotions. I agree that it is a personal decision and each person should do what feels right to them at any given time. We enjoyed visiting some art galleries and bought art that made us smile. The art we bought celebrates us as a couple and we feel so good about that. I only have one life to live and it goes by fast, so I am choosing to celebrate what I do have. It has taken years of tears, therapists, life skills coach, and using strategies to get to this point. Sending encouragment to everyone. Do what feels good to you about your pictures and memories.
It makes me incredibly sad to see others pain, but it also helps me to realize I am not alone in this. A grandson I was close to who is now 22 and I don’t know anymore. A daughter I thought was my best friend. A son in law I considered my own who I now believe is responsible for much of this. The ball is in her court. I told her I wouldn’t call ever again 4 or 5 years ago, and I won’t. Hugs to you all.
I am slowly, ever so slowly sorting out the family photos into boxes for each adult child and also printing some for each that may one day be of significance for them, the best of the best photos of them, their siblings, grandparents. I have a been replacing the framed snapshots of happy times with each my children with pictures I have taken while on my travels, my memories of the new adventurous me. It’s helping redefine my role and letting me gently rediscover who I am outside of estranged mother. I will store the photos away for the day my estranged adult kids (yes, I have more than one) may come around, knowing that I put love into the process, love for them and love for myself.
We were forced into no contact 2 1/2 years ago. For some reason we get their annual Christmas letter every year with a small dig at us in it. (Our d-I-l is passive aggressive). We get pictures of the grandkids we have no relationship with. I dont put up the pictures as it brings sadness to stare at children I no longer know. I’ve made the decision to learn to live without them. I live a good life without my deceased brother, my deceased best friend and my parents so I can live a good life without them too and if they choose to come back and we can work out the issues then even better.
Our married daughter left us 6 years ago. She has our 3 triplet grandsons now 10, who we were very close. There is no contact. I don’t know if I have any more tears left. Several months ago I removed all their photos from our home and stored them. It has helped a little!
It is very interesting to read these letters Sherie from dear parents who have been estranged and their differant feelings about if to keep photos up in their homes or to put them away. I have chosen to keep them up. Family photos of my estranged daughter and her family. Not all of her family have estranged themselves to us. My lovely son in law is still in contact and two of their 4 children so I display photos of the whole family together. It reminds me of happy times when we were all together. The graduation times, weddings etc. Very precious memories. Although I do get times of sadness due to the estrangement I value the happy family times we had so treasure the photos. Elaine
A very wise advice, Sheri.
Years ago, I created a beautiful gallery wall of family photos. After the estrangement, I felt sad seeing my sons’ faces. It hurt.
One day, I switched them all out for photos of me and my husband. It brings me joy.
I added the photos of my sons to our digital frame. It rotates all over and over. I get a fleeting glimpse of my sons and it feels good. Small doses of wonderful memories.
I recommend this for my friends in this group.
Mine decided to leave because she wanted a new creation a new person a new life as another person.
Havent given a thought on how it would affect us. The person she left as is going to no longer be that person we raised n loved all these years… to no longer see or comunicate with. So what do we do with the memories n pain we feel now? Wont respond to our phone calls txts or anything. Sent word thru txt not to bother her anymore. BLOCKED US and Changed her number.
Only thru someone else did we find out what she was doin.
You tell me how to deal with this?
I had only one child, she distanced herself from my husband and I after attending college, everything we taught her and all our values went right out the window after attending college for 4 years. Fist she told us she no longer believed in God then as time went by she no longer wanted anything to do with us because we weren’t in the right political party, she moved far far away from us and we haven’t seen her in over 10 years, so seeing her smiling happy childhood pictures reassures me that we were not the monsters she portrayed us to be, she was coached into making up stuff to hurt us with so she could distance herself from us, but it also makes me a little sad that she is no longer in our lives.
I have found that with time those photos have slowly made their way off of my dressers and walls and into cabinets and closets. To be replaced by things that are creative and more relevant to my current life.i.e., the current me; such as a photo I framed of my Yoga group
Everything is in the attic. I still feel sad when I think of what’s happened. It kind of haunts me to a degree. I routinely remind myself that the situation is not supposed to feel all fine. I can’t imagine he feels anything good…that would be unnatural. But, that’s not a rabbit hole I allow myself go down today.
I place him in the care of God the same way my mother did when I was breaking her heart.
Thank you.. while I have lots of family pictures of various family members and any of my non-estranged child, I have chosen only three to continue to display.
My situation is a little more complicated as my child is transgender. I’ve kept two photos of her – one at about 15 with a real smile and another of high school graduation. The third is after her transition and is now 15 years old. It’s a good picture.
I can’t “bar” her from my picture wall. She chose to leave me, but I never chose to leave her in any iteration. That is why I keep those 3 pictures on the wall (years worth are in albums – they make me smile and feel sad at the same time when I look at them, but it was my life too and I am not going to throw that away)
And of course, I hope that one day – ebpven if I am dead by then – that she will walk into my house and know that I never left her.
Pictures of my son break my heart, so I keep them in my walk in closet. However, what to do with his baby book and photo album when he was young has been a big question. I agree they let me know I’m not delusional – we did love each other and he did have a happy childhood. My daughter has offered to take them, and I will probably let her. It’s been 7 years now and thanks to you, Sheri, I am able to move on and wish the best for him. I didn’t choose this, he did.
I ended up taking all of their photos and putting them into a metal box and tucked into the back of a spare room closet. To me they mainly inflict pain and betrayal. So it’s better for me to not look at them.
I don’t have as difficult of a time putting away photos of the adult children now. I have only one left up on the wall. They are all adults and we had our traditional “cascading down the stairway” photo. It’s the last one of all of us together. I use it as a prayer point when I feel sad.
The photos I have so much trouble taking down are the ones of my granddaughter that we have been cut off from for 3 1/2 years. She is the innocent in all of this. She’s 10 now and I know she has changed quite a bit. I use it to pray for her but it sits with our other 3 grandchildren’s updated school photos. That’s the one I can’t quite yet get to the point of taking down ❤️
Great advice regarding photos!! After 10 plus years of Becky and her sons leaving I find it is best FOR ME to not see photos anymore. They bring too much pain..